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Bruised and Wounded: Struggling to Understand Suicide
When someone is stricken with cancer, one of three things can Doctors treat the disease and cure it; professionals can’t cure the disease but can control it so that the person suffering can live with the disease for the rest of his or her life; or the cancer can be of a kind that cannot be treated and all the medicine and treatments in the world are powerless – the person dies. Emotional depression leading to suicide can work the same way. Sometimes a person can be treated so that, in effect, they are cured; sometimes they can’t ever really be cured, but can be treated in a way that they can live with the disease for their whole life; and sometimes, just as with certain kinds of cancer, the disease is untreatable, unstoppable, and no intervention by anyone or anything can halt its advance – it eventually kills the person and there is nothing anyone can do. Thus, Ronald Rolheiser begins this small, powerful book. With chapters also on “Removing the Taboo,” “Despair as Weakness Rather than Sin,” “Reclaiming the Memory of Our Loved One,” and “The Pain of the Ones Left Behind,” Fr. Rolheiser offers hope and a new way of understanding death by suicide.
- GenresNonfictionGrief
43 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 21, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
January 13, 2018
Suicide is a hard thing for us to talk about. Someone has died, the circumstance seems unnatural and we don't know what to say. We feel the stigma and the sting. Personally, I haven't been really close with anyone who died by suicide but I've seen from a distance, the way a suicide can wreck those left behind. I've seen people shoulder the grief, shame and anger of suicide after they lost a child, a friend, a pastor. It is hard to sit with them in their pain. Harder still to know what to say. Our pronounced platitudes, which really bring no comfort to grieving people anyway, come off as cruel and tone deaf after someone has taken their own life.
Ronald Rolheiser has written a helpful little booklet, Bruised & Wounded: Struggling to Understand a Suicide. Rolheiser is a priest, renowned speaker and author of books on Christian spirituality. Here, he approaches the topic of suicide with grace and pastoral sensitivity. I generally would not advocate throwing a book at hurting people, but this is one that I think would be appropriate, welcome and helpful for those in the wake of losing someone they love to suicide.
There several features of this book which commend it. First, it is brief. It is a small book that fits in the palm of your hand and it is just 77 pages long (including table of contents and front matter). People grieving a suicide do not need a complicated theological treatise and this is not that. Second, Rolheiser is careful throughout this book to avoid victim blaming. Often people react with anger and judgment on the suicidal for their selfishness in taking their own life. But Rolheiser observes:
Later, he writes:
and again:
By framing suicide as a emotional cancer destroying the person instead of as a self-centered volitional act to ends one's life, Rolheiser doesn't minimize the tragedy of suicide, but he does give the victim back to us. Their struggle can be honored and life celebrated.
Third, he doesn't describe suicide, per se, as 'sin.' So where the Catechism of the Catholic Church says "'suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life' and is thus 'gravely contrary to the just love of self'" (38), Rolheiser draws a distinction between the ordinary suicide —where an sensitive soul is "overpowered by the chaos of life"—and the killing of oneself. by the "pathological narcissist acting in strength" to freely end their life (39). It is the latter, that Rolheiser sees as condemned by the Church, though he notes that the victims of suicide he has known have been 'the very antithesis of the egoist, the narcissist, or the strong, overproud person who congenitally refuses to take his or her place in the humble, broken structure of things" (39-40).
Fourth, Rolheiser emphasizes throughout the grace of God and the way Jesus comes to meet us in our alienation and brokenness. Reflecting on the line of the creed, He descended into hell, Rolheiser writes:
Rolheiser also gives the example of Jesus in John's gospel, penetrating walls and locked doors to meet the grieving disciples (15). Speaking of one victim of suicide, Rolheiser writes:
The book concludes with reflections on God's prodigal, forgiving nature, his power to raise the dead, his understanding and trustworthiness (76-77).
Finally, this book is endorsed by Kay Warren and Marjorie Antus, both of whom lost a child to suicide and find comfort in Rolheiser's prose. Rolheiser never diminishes the difficulty, anger and grief of those left behind, but he does offer words of consolation and hope.
I've read other books on suicide and pastoral care for the suicidal (notably Albert Hsu's Grieving a Suicide and Karen Mason's Preventing a Suicide, both from IVP). This is the book I would recommend for those picking up the pieces at ground zero in the aftermath of a suicide. This is hopeful and gracious. I give this five stars -★★★★★
Notice of material connection: I received a copy of this book from Paraclete in exchange for my honest review.
Ronald Rolheiser has written a helpful little booklet, Bruised & Wounded: Struggling to Understand a Suicide. Rolheiser is a priest, renowned speaker and author of books on Christian spirituality. Here, he approaches the topic of suicide with grace and pastoral sensitivity. I generally would not advocate throwing a book at hurting people, but this is one that I think would be appropriate, welcome and helpful for those in the wake of losing someone they love to suicide.
There several features of this book which commend it. First, it is brief. It is a small book that fits in the palm of your hand and it is just 77 pages long (including table of contents and front matter). People grieving a suicide do not need a complicated theological treatise and this is not that. Second, Rolheiser is careful throughout this book to avoid victim blaming. Often people react with anger and judgment on the suicidal for their selfishness in taking their own life. But Rolheiser observes:
Just as with physical cancer, the person dying of suicide is taken out of this life against his or her will. Death by suicide is the emotional equivalent of cancer, a stroke or a heart attack. Thus, its patterns are the same as those of cancer, strokes, and heart attacks. Death can happen suddenly, or it can be the end product of a long struggle that slowly wears a person down. Either way, it is involuntary. As human beings, we are neither pure angels nor pure animals, but we are always both body and soul, one psychosomatic whole. And either part can break down (10-11).
Later, he writes:
Many of us have known victims of suicide, and we know too, that in almost every case that person was not full of pride, haughtiness and the desire to hurt anyone. Generally, it's the opposite. The victim has cancerous problems precisely because he or she is wounded, raw, and too bruised to have the resiliency needed to deal with life. Those who have lost loved ones to suicide know that the problem is not one of strength but of weakness—the person is too bruised to be touched (20).
and again:
Suicide in most cases is a disease, not something freely willed. The person dies in this way dies against his or her will, akin to those who jumped to their deaths from the Twin Towers after terrorist planes had set those buildings on fire on September 11, 2001. They were jumping to certain death, but only because they were already burned to death where they were standing (28-29).
By framing suicide as a emotional cancer destroying the person instead of as a self-centered volitional act to ends one's life, Rolheiser doesn't minimize the tragedy of suicide, but he does give the victim back to us. Their struggle can be honored and life celebrated.
Third, he doesn't describe suicide, per se, as 'sin.' So where the Catechism of the Catholic Church says "'suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life' and is thus 'gravely contrary to the just love of self'" (38), Rolheiser draws a distinction between the ordinary suicide —where an sensitive soul is "overpowered by the chaos of life"—and the killing of oneself. by the "pathological narcissist acting in strength" to freely end their life (39). It is the latter, that Rolheiser sees as condemned by the Church, though he notes that the victims of suicide he has known have been 'the very antithesis of the egoist, the narcissist, or the strong, overproud person who congenitally refuses to take his or her place in the humble, broken structure of things" (39-40).
Fourth, Rolheiser emphasizes throughout the grace of God and the way Jesus comes to meet us in our alienation and brokenness. Reflecting on the line of the creed, He descended into hell, Rolheiser writes:
To say that Christ descended into hell is to, first and foremost say something about God's love for us and how that love will go to any length, descend to any depth, and go through any barrier in order to embrace a wounded, huddled, frightened and bruised soul. By dying as he did, Jesus showed that he loves us in such a way that his love can penetrate even our private hells, going right through the barriers of hurt, anger, fear, and hopelessness (14).
Rolheiser also gives the example of Jesus in John's gospel, penetrating walls and locked doors to meet the grieving disciples (15). Speaking of one victim of suicide, Rolheiser writes:
I am sure that when the young woman . . . awoke on the other side, Jesus stood inside of her huddled fear and spoke to her, softly and gently, those same words he spoke to his disciples on that first Easter day when he went through the locked doors which they were huddled and said: "Peace be with you! Again, I say it, Peace be with you!" (16).
The book concludes with reflections on God's prodigal, forgiving nature, his power to raise the dead, his understanding and trustworthiness (76-77).
Finally, this book is endorsed by Kay Warren and Marjorie Antus, both of whom lost a child to suicide and find comfort in Rolheiser's prose. Rolheiser never diminishes the difficulty, anger and grief of those left behind, but he does offer words of consolation and hope.
I've read other books on suicide and pastoral care for the suicidal (notably Albert Hsu's Grieving a Suicide and Karen Mason's Preventing a Suicide, both from IVP). This is the book I would recommend for those picking up the pieces at ground zero in the aftermath of a suicide. This is hopeful and gracious. I give this five stars -★★★★★
Notice of material connection: I received a copy of this book from Paraclete in exchange for my honest review.
January 30, 2020
A short and impactful read.
December 16, 2022
Obviously not a light-hearted read but even in the heaviness it brings you realize you are digesting something very important. An empathetic translation of this terrible event from the standpoint of the individual, family, friends, and faith.
January 31, 2025
Helpful outlook for anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one to suicide. Dad ❤️❤️always.
February 22, 2019
I have a personal interest in suicide and Christianity. For years I lived in suicidal ideation (SI) but never followed through. I believed myself fundamentally unloveable. And the pains from that time in my life run deep, to the point that it is part of my identity. This book has brought me so much comfort. In many ways I am ashamed of admitting my darkness but Fr. Ron is right that we need to talk about depression/suicide more and reduce that stigma.
The point that brought me to tears the most and began to heal some of my deepest wounds, was that there are no locked doors God’s love cannot go through. And sometimes it is in death that we can finally feel it since it is undiluted by human limitations.
I strongly recommend this book to anyone struggling with the loss of a loved one.
The point that brought me to tears the most and began to heal some of my deepest wounds, was that there are no locked doors God’s love cannot go through. And sometimes it is in death that we can finally feel it since it is undiluted by human limitations.
I strongly recommend this book to anyone struggling with the loss of a loved one.
July 10, 2021
Ronald Rolheiser (2018) BRUISED & WOUNDED: STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND SUIC*DE (AUDIOBOOK)
Audible - Paraclete Press
⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4 out of 5 stars
Recent events have shown again how suic*de touches all of us, and often, when we least expect it. But how to unpack the grief that follows such a painful, and often stigmatized, death? Ron Rolheiser can help. When someone is stricken with cancer, one of three things can happen: Doctors treat the disease and cure it; professionals can’t cure the disease but can control it so that the person afflicted can live with the disease for the rest of his or her life; the cancer can be one of a kind that cannot be treated, and all the medicine and treatments in the world are powerless and the person dies. Emotional depression leading to suic*de can work the same way. Sometimes, a person can be treated so that, in effect, they are cured; sometimes, they can’t ever really be cured but can be treated in a way that they can live with the disease for their whole life. And sometimes, just as with certain kinds of cancer, the disease is untreatable, unstoppable, and no intervention by anyone or anything can halt its advance. It eventually kills the person, and there is nothing anyone can do. Thus, Ronald Rolheiser begins this small, powerful book. With chapters like Removing the Taboo, Despair as Weakness Rather than Sin, Reclaiming the Memory of Our Loved One, and The Pain of the Ones Left Behind, Fr. Rolheiser offers hope and a new way of understanding death by suic*de."
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Emotional cancer sounds accurate. Someone whose emotional immune system has broken down. Sometimes human love cannot breakthrough. I don't buy the religious context though.
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#RonaldRolheiser #BruisedAndWounded #Book #Books #Read #Reads #Reading #BookShelf #Library #Review #Reviews #BookReview #BookReviews #GoodReads #Audible #Audiobook #Audiobooks
Audible - Paraclete Press
⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4 out of 5 stars
Recent events have shown again how suic*de touches all of us, and often, when we least expect it. But how to unpack the grief that follows such a painful, and often stigmatized, death? Ron Rolheiser can help. When someone is stricken with cancer, one of three things can happen: Doctors treat the disease and cure it; professionals can’t cure the disease but can control it so that the person afflicted can live with the disease for the rest of his or her life; the cancer can be one of a kind that cannot be treated, and all the medicine and treatments in the world are powerless and the person dies. Emotional depression leading to suic*de can work the same way. Sometimes, a person can be treated so that, in effect, they are cured; sometimes, they can’t ever really be cured but can be treated in a way that they can live with the disease for their whole life. And sometimes, just as with certain kinds of cancer, the disease is untreatable, unstoppable, and no intervention by anyone or anything can halt its advance. It eventually kills the person, and there is nothing anyone can do. Thus, Ronald Rolheiser begins this small, powerful book. With chapters like Removing the Taboo, Despair as Weakness Rather than Sin, Reclaiming the Memory of Our Loved One, and The Pain of the Ones Left Behind, Fr. Rolheiser offers hope and a new way of understanding death by suic*de."
=====
Emotional cancer sounds accurate. Someone whose emotional immune system has broken down. Sometimes human love cannot breakthrough. I don't buy the religious context though.
=====
#RonaldRolheiser #BruisedAndWounded #Book #Books #Read #Reads #Reading #BookShelf #Library #Review #Reviews #BookReview #BookReviews #GoodReads #Audible #Audiobook #Audiobooks
September 15, 2019
My cousin died by suicide and my family was/is struggling, and the first few days were really hard since people were either feeling super guilty or feeling angry towards my dead cousin. My pastor recommended this book to me, and said it would be good to pass it around the family.
I started and quickly finished this book in maybe half an hour. It was good, short, and basically said 1) People feel really guilty but don’t have to because sometimes we can’t reach a person even if they’re showered with love if they are sick 2) There’s a stigma to suicide because we think they despaired and went against the primal code, the will to live; but suicide should instead be considered death by mortal illness of chemical imbalance. Jesus’ own death by crucifixion had a stigma at the time. 3) God’s love is bigger. We believe in a God of infinite love and compassion, the God who seeks out the lost sheep and throws a party for the prodigal son, the Christ who can go through locked doors and into the human heart where we cannot, our mother who cradles us with hands far gentler than our own.
I recommend it, and I’m definitely going to pass it around my family so that it will help them too.
I started and quickly finished this book in maybe half an hour. It was good, short, and basically said 1) People feel really guilty but don’t have to because sometimes we can’t reach a person even if they’re showered with love if they are sick 2) There’s a stigma to suicide because we think they despaired and went against the primal code, the will to live; but suicide should instead be considered death by mortal illness of chemical imbalance. Jesus’ own death by crucifixion had a stigma at the time. 3) God’s love is bigger. We believe in a God of infinite love and compassion, the God who seeks out the lost sheep and throws a party for the prodigal son, the Christ who can go through locked doors and into the human heart where we cannot, our mother who cradles us with hands far gentler than our own.
I recommend it, and I’m definitely going to pass it around my family so that it will help them too.
November 27, 2019
Very quick read, provides a very surface and brief response to suicide from a Christian perspective. While he doesn't outright say it, he comes extremely close to essentially arguing that one doesn't need to worry, because everyone goes to heaven, except for people like Hitler (he specifically speaks about Hitler's suicide). While this may be a comforting idea for someone that has lost a loved one (whether it be to suicide or another manner), it's not really a Catholic belief (I mention that since the author is a Catholic priest). He also doesn't speak very much about prayer for the deceased, which makes sense since there seems to be the underlying belief that your loved ones are for sure in heaven.
Don't really recommend, there are better, more well-rounded books on suicide and God's mercy/Catholic teaching.
Don't really recommend, there are better, more well-rounded books on suicide and God's mercy/Catholic teaching.
December 15, 2018
Published by a Christian Publishing Company
This book is directed towards people of faith who have the added burden of wondering about the relationship between someone who takes their own life and God. The final chapter is the strongest and most comforting. I would have given the book a 5 but dropped it to a 4. It would be a 5 for a Christian. At best a 3 for for other faiths that believe in the same creator God. For everyone else, it's a 1. It doesn't work at all for those who believe in reincarnation or life ending with death other than the possibility of becoming absorbed in nature as a nutrient source to vegetation. To benefit one has to believe in a power that loves, understands, and desires a continuing relationship with his creation.
This book is directed towards people of faith who have the added burden of wondering about the relationship between someone who takes their own life and God. The final chapter is the strongest and most comforting. I would have given the book a 5 but dropped it to a 4. It would be a 5 for a Christian. At best a 3 for for other faiths that believe in the same creator God. For everyone else, it's a 1. It doesn't work at all for those who believe in reincarnation or life ending with death other than the possibility of becoming absorbed in nature as a nutrient source to vegetation. To benefit one has to believe in a power that loves, understands, and desires a continuing relationship with his creation.
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November 23, 2021While most of the books that I've been reading and reviewing over the past several weeks (and months) are focused on the clinical diagnosis of suicide and its prevention, Bruised and Wounded is focused on those who are left in the wake of suicide. The loved ones who must find ways to bravely soldier on when they know that their compass has been lost, and the only map they have no longer applies to the situation.
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June 29, 2024
Profoundly healing book!
I lost my 25 year old grandson to suicide less than a month ago and have been in a very dark place, struggling with a whole gamut of thoughts and feelings that overwhelm me.
My grandson left behind a wife and three young daughters, 2,4, & 6 years old as well as many family members and friends who are left in utter dismay. Words cannot describe the pain really, but this book has “finally” given me a ray of hope in dealing with this incredible experience. I highly recommend it to ANYONE dealing with not just a suicide loss but any death of a loved one!
I lost my 25 year old grandson to suicide less than a month ago and have been in a very dark place, struggling with a whole gamut of thoughts and feelings that overwhelm me.
My grandson left behind a wife and three young daughters, 2,4, & 6 years old as well as many family members and friends who are left in utter dismay. Words cannot describe the pain really, but this book has “finally” given me a ray of hope in dealing with this incredible experience. I highly recommend it to ANYONE dealing with not just a suicide loss but any death of a loved one!
April 19, 2019
All priests should read this.
June 25, 2020
Suicide
This book helped me a lot in dealing with the grief felt for those grieving from a loved ones suicide.
This book helped me a lot in dealing with the grief felt for those grieving from a loved ones suicide.
February 12, 2021
A beautiful book that helps so much with the loss of loved ones that died by suicide. It was comforting and informative .
June 9, 2023
This author gives readers such insight on how to deal with suicide! So well written!
July 15, 2025
Yes! To every statement. I wish this book had been available in 1985.
November 24, 2025
Helpful for those who see life and death with a Christian perspective
January 7, 2026
This was one of the first books I read that truly reflected my belief that suicide is not a simple choice, but often the result of deep mental and emotional suffering. Rolheiser, a Catholic priest and author, writes with grace, spiritual insight, and deep empathy for both the person lost and those left behind. His reflections helped me see the compassion of God in the midst of unimaginable pain. The book was like a balm for my soul. It brought peace to my heart and helped shape how I speak about suicide and healing today.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews