The Life of Dad: The Making of a Modern Father

by Dr Anna Machin

THE STORY OF FATHERHOOD AND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FATHER TODAY, BASED ON A DECADE-LONG STUDY OF NEW AND EXPECTANT FATHERS.   Becoming a father is one of most common but also one of the most profoundly life-altering experiences a man can have. It is up there with puberty, falling in love and experiencing your first loss. Fifty years ago a father’s role was assumed to be he went to work; he provided the pay cheque; and he acted as a disciplinarian when he got home. But today a father’s role is much more fluid and complex.  Dr Anna Machin has spent the past decade working with new and expectant fathers, studying the experiences of fathers and the questions fathers ‘Will fatherhood change me?’, ‘How do other men fulfil the role?’, ‘How can I help my child grow into a healthy, happy adult?’.   In The Life of Dad, Dr Machin draws on her research and the latest findings in genetics, neuroscience and psychology to tell the story of fatherhood. She will show the extraordinary physiological changes a man undergoes when he becomes a father, investigate how a man’s genes can influence what sort of father he will be, and will show how a dad makes a unique contribution to his child’s life, helping to foster independence of mind and spirit. Throughout the book, readers will encounter the voices of real dads, expectant and established, as well as fascinating insights into fatherhood from across the globe.  The Life of Dad throws out the old stereotypes of fatherhood in an entertaining and informative journey through the role of dad – helping you decide what sort of father you want to be.  ‘A tour-de-force exploration of the forgotten half of the parenthood business. Essential reading for every expectant dad … and mum.’ – Robin Dunbar, professor of evolutionary psychology, University of Oxford

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Family, Science, Sociology

320 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 14, 2018

Reviews

[Daniel Cunningham · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book a bit more than I did. Here, finally, is a book that doesn't (1) merely enjoin dads to not be absent, ineffectual, or somesuch; (2) treat them as mere adjuncts to mom; and (3) play to any of the stereotypes of the useless, overwhelmed, and/or finally-having-an-epiphany-about-children-and-moms man. Here, finally, is a book that does (1) recognize that dads have a real role to play (affirmatively, rather than negatively); (2) that that role is unique and separate from mom's (again, affirmatively, rather than negatively); and (3) asks why (and I will add, why "10 years into 3rd or 4th wave feminism") dads are still given little to no research, support, or recognition.

Now, some women (moms or not) might gag on that last, but Dr Machin is asking about research, support, and recognition distinct from the slap on the back and the oohs-and-aahs (that so often stand-in for real support, etc.) when dad (gasp!) actually managed to feed baby without poking it in the eye or dropping it. (Moms might hate it when dad gets so much attention for changing a diaper; dads hate it, as they change their 2114th diaper, even more...)

Turns out, dads uniquely and irreplacably affect children's mental health and educational outcomes. Dads uniquely and irreplacably affect their children's success at parenting when that day comes. Dads have unique forms for interaction (including the "classic" rough-and-tumble play) that form unique bonds and have unique effects on children. Dads are uniquely important at helping kids through their adolescent years.

Some of this might be unwelcome news for some folks: Dr. Machin takes some pains to include adoptive, gay, and non-Western fatherhood, but I did feel like there was a rather unaddressed elephant in the room RE: single moms (especially without partners/boyfriends) or even lesbian parents (if fathers, even "social fathers", are uniquely important then "traditional" or "conservative" takes on the father's role are at least in part on-the-money and some "liberal" or "progressive" arguments about family life/structure seem conversely -if only in part- weakened.)

All-in-all, a welcome read that invites the changing culture toward "involved fathering" to now take the next step of really exploring, recognizing, and supporting fatherhood. In that respect, I loved the book. But for a pop-sci book.... a little too pop-sci for me, in style. I would have appreciated a bit more numeracy (e.g. warm dads decrease teenage depression... by how much? Vs what baseline? How much to martinet-dads increase is?) I would also have appreciated addressing some of the elephants more heads on; in some sense this is also a question of 'effect size.' So dads are important... then what are some represtative numbers? Maybe a discussion of how you control for confounding variables... All that could be done as some level without getting *too* technical, and would at least give some better sense of what is being talked about. I mean, I'm a dad to 3 and think I'm a rockstar, and I welcome someone writing a whole book that isn't about how bad women have it and how I need to stop spending all my time playing Xbox; and I'm doing bedtime stories regardless, but it would also be nice to know if all my new-found dad superpowers are going to raise my kids reading level by 20% ...or 2%.

[Timo · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting book about what it means to be a dad, with a focus on both scientific aspects (mainly evolutionary, neurochemical and physiological) and personal experiences from interviews with many dads from different backgrounds and cultures.

According to the author, evolutionary anthropologist Dr. Anna Machin, she had three main goals for this book: shifting the focus and image of dads from the so-called deadbeat dad to the stick-around dad; reassure fathers-to-be about common thoughts, questions, feelings etc; and educate society about the current state of research when it comes to the importance of fathers for raising (healthy) children, while many still believe that only mothers play a vital role for raising a child.

[Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not announcing anything but this was excellent. Just the right blend of popularly accessible anecdotes and scientific rigor. Author is clear about her agenda but for the most part does a very good job of anticipating, identifying, and addressing the various objections the reader might have to a book on the phenomenon of modern fatherhood.

A few parts seem less supported and easier to distort. Mostly premises that the author seems to believe very strongly but may not be the case for every family. But overall excellent and informative. And nicely narrated.

[Raf · Rating 3 out of 5]

My wife bought this for me as a present to prepare me for becoming a new dad. The premise is to explore the historical and biological explanation for the role of the father. The author examines the perspective of fathers from various cultures with supporting examples. I wasn’t surprised to find that protector and teacher are vital principles that cultures from around the world subscribe to the fatherhood experience. What reinforced the explanation of fatherhood for me was the overwhelming research that fathers play a crucial role as teachers and mentors who desire to pass on knowledge as their children grow. The book is very research-heavy, and that’s what made it hard to finish. I could have easily received most of the information that I was looking for summarized in a relatively short article. But the key points that I took away from the book made it worthwhile to read.

[Thierry · Rating 1 out of 5]

300 pages qui auraient pu en être que 100 sans les répétitions inutiles. Mal écrit, très mal traduit, tout ça pour apprendre qu'un père qui s'occupe de son enfant permet une plus grande réussite dans la vie qu'un père qui s'en occupe pas. Prix Nobel en vue ?

[Ondřej Svoboda · Rating 4 out of 5]

interesting book about what it means to be father especially now.

[Vicky Guo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the premise of the book and some of the biological and anthropological bits were interesting, but the conclusions discussed here were not supported by enough evidence in the book and it seemed a lot of correlation was presented as causation. Some of my main takeaways:
1) Author should have called out more and more often the population the research is based on. Given the focus on modern, Western dads and over a time period that precludes longitudinal studies, many of the findings seem limited.
2) A lot of complaining about lack of support for dads in the healthcare system. In the US at least, there isn’t a lot of support for moms either - the support is geared towards the baby for whom mom just happens to be a vehicle. You can see that by comparing the quality of pre- and post-natal care and the high incidence of maternal mortality in the most developed country in the world. So while, yes, dads should get everything the author advocates for, they aren’t being targeted. Moms are getting care insofar as it helps baby.
3) Many of the chapters about dad’s developing bonds through rough play or their “special and unique” role in imparting knowledge seem to relate to the activity itself and not the specific parent doing it. I didn’t hear evidence that moms can’t also do these things, just that Western dads often take on that role. If dad were the only person able to impart these important traits to a child, what of the 25%+ of children raised by single mothers alone?
4) A frequent message of the book is that the relationship between parents is very important, and a big missed opportunity seemed to be discussing dad’s role in the household. A lot of research highlights that mothers take on more of the housework even when they work outside the home, and “modern” men are more likely claim “free time” for themselves rather than use non-working time to contribute to the household. Add to that the societal norms around mom being the default parent (who do you think daycare is going to call first?). Fathering isn’t just the good parts the author wants to assign to them like reading bedtime stories, playing rough, and giving advice. Fathering is also doing the laundry, buying diapers, cleaning up the toys. Perhaps being an equal parent starts with being an equal partner.

[Vasilis Stefanou · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book looks at the role of father using anthropology, psychology, sociology and laws worldwide. 10 years of research that includes the voices of fathers along with the latest research on anything related to birth and parenthood. The perfect book for new dads to be.

[Jan-Jacob · Rating 2 out of 5]

Boring hodgepodge of often questionable claims. Only the hard science - how hormones work, what triggers them - is interesting. The claims about synchronicity in hormone levels of fathers and mothers appears bizarre and to involve circular logic: involved dads have these hormone levels, but dads who can't be around regularly due to work (military service, maritime woek) can't possibly have this synchronicity. So they are then considered uninvolved even though they might be very much present in the lives of children when they are at home after a stretch abroad.

The book is particularly weak in situating the father and his behavior in the different socio-economic contexts worldwide and throughout history: some anecdotes about fatherhood in current-day societies in Congo and Thailand is all we hear. What about the emergence of the nuclear family in the postwar period? How does the father fare when he has 2-3 kids, whereas 4-5 was the norm just two generations ago? How does class and the opportunities afforded to some fathers that can work from home in our post-industrial Westerm economies change the father?

Most importantly, I really doubt the scientific validity of mixing and matching statistical analyses like Machin does, since the samples are small and power low. Medical studies are facing serious questions about the extent to which their findings are replicable, and many of the studies she cites have all the hallmarks of of being of questionable academic accuracy.

Finally, Machin has a habit of making bold claims, for example about how fatherhood is just as much a biological phenomenon as motherhood. Give me and mom's a break: a mouse is just much a mammal as an elephant, sure, but you're missing the forest for trees if you don't see the massive difference in size and impact they make.

[David Wright · Rating 2 out of 5]

Couldn't finish it.

I thought the premise was good but got annoyed with the interpretation of the science.

Data that was correlated was insinuated to be causative (dad's named on birth certifcate and increased survival). When there was a difference between dad styles it was claimed to be evidence of the multifaceted nature of fatherhood rather than the fact that it is social role, or personailty, not the sex of the parent that caused the difference (the role of play and why Aka fathers are different or why Noah was the rough and tumble dad and Adrian wasn't).

Maybe most importantly conclusions are overstated for the sake of impact "the father-child relationship is the source of....ultimatey, success".

I like it's goal. I think exploring the way people parent and how parents react to that is important. It explains a little about my guilt that my role as main earner has reduced my contact time. Some of the science was intereting (testosterone levels before and after becoming a dad). But that was not enough for me.

[Ivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was mainly a 3 star, possibly even dipping into 2 stars at times but finished as a 4 mainly because as I was going through it I became increasingly aware of how important the central message is. I learnt a lot, and also felt the last chapter was really well written and inspiring.
There are definitely times where the editing seems to have missed opportunities to be more concise and avoid repetition, but please persevere because overall this book is important and should be read through for any parent or parent to be.

[Moritz Rosemeyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

The science behind fatherhood is so well explained, that this book has transformed my own understanding of fatherhood.

[Sam Law · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read More Book Reviews on my blog It's Good To Read

Summary:
The author wants to address a subject, on which the current literature seems to be light, that of what it means to be a dad in the modern world. 

Plot:
The author starts by praising the unknown ancestor of 500,00 years ago, a homo heidelbergensis, who made the choice to help his partner through his inventions of fire and tool-making, and also time invested in his offspring. The first father was born!

The author then leads us on a trail over 11 chapters, interspersing her own research with anecdotes from fathers, both current and expectant, straight and gay, mainly from the Western Hemisphere viewpoint. There is some wider anthropological information, especially contrasted in chapter five, where illustrations of different fathering styles in different cultures are given. We have the high-flying Boston lawyer, the Aka tribe hunter-gatherer in the Democratic Republic of Congo, to Sigis the Kenyan farmer and James the stay-at-home UK dad.

The stories start 500,000 years ago, and move to cover conception, birth, the first few weeks, the Fun stuff, School, etc., and blends the research nicely with the anecdotal references. The author does state that the research generally is at a very early stage, and writes in the hope that the next few years will see an explosion in this area.

The author believes that evolution has had a strong role in shaping fathers and fatherhood, citing studies showing testosterone drops which “encourage” men to be more monogamous and domestic.

What I Liked:
- It is good to see the importance of dad’s being written about, in a way that doesn’t perpetuate the dopey dad stereotype.
- It speaks to common sense in terms of creating bonds with your children, especially at the younger age.

What I Didn’t Like:
- It did seem somewhat simplistic in parts, and for me seemed to just look at where everyone is fit and healthy. I think it is a whole new dynamic when for example a child is long-term sick, or disabled, as these children have special needs that must be catered for. I would have liked to see those stories included.
- The book did seem overlong for the substance matter being discussed, especially given the relative paucity of the underlying clinical studies.

Overall:
I think the book definitely has some cogent arguments, and is a good base to build upon. It really brings to the fore an important discussion, about dads and their influence, and about the different roles they play in a child’s life (e.g. the “rough play” versus the nurturing style). As co-parenting becomes the norm, with more dads choosing to stay at home, the impact of dad-hood will increasingly need to be recognised, by the medical profession (e.g. from midwives and doctors including dads in the birth-room), to the workplace and government (e.g. improving the paternal leave entitlements), to society at large giving the same importance to dads as they do to mothers. Different roles, but equally important.

Full Disclosure: I am a dad, so naturally completely unbiased :D

[David Maywald · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an outstanding book, rich with evidence as well as the voices of modern men. It’s unusual for having both a deep compassion/empathy/love for fathers, as well as hugely optimistic/positive narratives about fatherhood… I’m massively grateful for finding out about Dr Machin’s work through the Modern Wisdom podcast (from Chris Williamson).

“From the synchronizing of oxytocin levels with your pregnant partner, to the drop in your testosterone levels following birth, to the interplay between oxytocin, dopamine and testosterone, evolution has made it its business to ensure that dads are biological beasts motivated to care, protect and provide.”

“Even among those most equal of parents, the Aka of the Congo in Africa, there are still roles that are distinct to mum and dad – dad for co-sleeping, mum for feeding. In the West, it is generally the case that in traditional family set-ups, dads play and mums nurture. Dads push developmental boundaries and mums plan activity timetables.”

“To avoid redundancy, evolution has shaped the brains of mothers and fathers to focus on different aspects of their child’s needs to ensure that, together, they meet all her developmental needs.”

“If you are a dad, remember that by being involved, particularly during the toddler times and teenage years, you are setting your children up for the long haul. The lessons, skills, time and experiences that you confer upon your child provide the fundamental neural, psychological and behavioural foundations on which they can build a successful and healthy life.”

I highly recommend this book to thoughtful and persuadable readers, who want to listen to the perspectives of fathers, who care about the life outcomes for children, and who want to work towards better social relations between men and women. This book will fill your reserves of hope and optimism, for harmonious interactions between mothers and fathers, and for the healthy development/growth of children.

[Ryan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thought I'd enjoy this more than I did.

The book is heavy on research citation--which is good--but a huge amount of the research cited sounds likely to suffer from selection bias issues, and the author doesn't explain or confront those at all. (For example: the author notes that father presence at birth increases likelihood of long-term involvement in a child's life. etc. Pretty obvious candidate for selection bias rather than causal effect. Many such examples.) Flipping through my paperback copy, I see I've written the word "section" in the margins of many pages.

Put it this way: this is not a research book in the style of Emily Oster, where the author takes the time to explain how causal identification needs to work so the reader knows which studies are valuable and which should be ignored. So, I'm left with the choice of either heavily discounting all of the empirical claims in the book--in which case, what was the point of reading it?--or checking every cited study myself to ensure quality research design. Neither is very satisfying. We need publishers to use Oster as an example and improve popular press science writing.

The policy discussion is quite unsatisfactory. The book gives little or no attention to the most salient policy issues facing dads--issues like default custody rights in divorce, paternity obligations without proof, extremely high rates of occupational mortality among adult men (far higher than women), conscription, etc.

The prose is engaging, and the motivation/idea is admirable, but this book is a missed opportunity.

[Kes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great and interesting book about fathers - it's full of studies about how fathers change as they have children (testosterone level decreases), the impact of fathers on children growing up, and the need to differentiate biological fathers and social fathers. There's cross-country analysis as well; covering not just Western but also Eastern parents.

I'm going to quote an article the author wrote:

This still rings true for the fathers whom my colleagues and I research, across the globe, today. In all cultures, regardless of their economic model, fathers teach their children the vital skills to survive in their particular environment. Among the Kipsigis tribe in Kenya, fathers teach their sons about the practical and economic aspects of tea farming. From the age of nine or 10, boys are taken into the fields to learn the necessary practical skills of producing a viable crop, but in addition – and perhaps more vitally – they are allowed to join their fathers at the male-only social events where the deals are made, ensuring that they also have the negotiation skills and the necessary relationships that are vital to success in this tough, marginal habitat.

It also talks about how society under-serves fathers: for example, fathers also suffer from post-natal depression, as well as things that fathers can do. It's a book well worth reading.

[Trevor Jackson · Rating 1 out of 5]

Stomach turning. Machin's astonishing condescension towards fathers made me queasy. It reminded me of eighteenth century conduct books (written by men) giving condescending instructions to women on how to be a lady. We laugh at such texts now, just as this book will be laughed at in the future. Yes, it is that condescending.

Just thinking about it brings back the nausea. The new fathers she portrays are the sort that yearn for male pregnancy and the ability to lactate and breastfeed so they can be feminine and nurturing just like mum. It is an absolutely revolting portrayal of a very, very small subset of spineless, neo-liberal men whom, Machin implies, are a representative sample of society, rather than her little feminist echo chamber.

This book is written from a far-left perspective to a far-left audience. It is most suited for men with newborns whose wives wear the pants in the family, and who have to learn to be obedient to their feminist masters. Anyone else should avoid it. Ick.

[Aidan McDonagh · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really interesting look at the (500,000 year old) history of the concept of father, from an evolutionary standpoint, and what it means in today's world.

The most memorable for me was the discussion of the biological changes that happen as men become Dads, and that biologically it can be as significant a change as adolescence.

It made me feel empowered and purposeful as father, not just an add-on when Mum's not a round but that I have a unique role that is separate and equal to Mum's (at least that's the author's claim, I shall find out in 6 weeks...!

Towards the end I found the reports of reports of studies to become a little repetitive, and would've preferred more recent history of the father as a societal concept, along with some time building upon these claims from the research, possibly in line with more in depth anecdotal evidence. This would make it feel more concrete in terms of what I may choose to do differently as a father.

[Jahn Cella · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you are the type of person, that for whatever reason, needs reassurance or confirmation of the importance of the roles of men in society but especially in the role of parenting/fathering (socially, biologically, or both), then this book is for you.

I do appreciate what the book sets out to do in separating the common caricature of the disconnected and emotionally aloof portrayal that fathers sometimes get hoisted upon them, but for me personally it was too much time trying to convince me of men’s inherent value and not enough interesting information. The pacing was all wrong and the feeling that the book has to spend so much time trying to convince the reader that men are an important part of the family dynamic and society at large was honestly kind of boring but also sad.

That being said, I did learn some interesting stuff but I don’t think I am going to keep this book around for future reference or as a talking point with friends.

[Nick Lanzetta · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book about fatherhood that looks at the role fathers play in both the family and society. The author uses psychology, biology, and history to look at the unique ways fathers influence their children. Some of the science bogged this book down, but the interviews the authors conducted with new fathers were very enlightening. It was refreshing to hear the different ways that fathers impact their children, and to get different views of fatherhood that are not the cliched, absentee father prevalent in a lot of media. I read this in anticipation of becoming a father myself in a few months, and I could recommend this to any future, or even current, fathers who are looking to gain more perspective on fatherhood.

[Andy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is the result of Machin's long-term study of fathers - myself included - and made for very interesting (and empowering) reading.

The book, unsurprisingly, includes lots of interesting contemporary science to validate the importance of the role of a father - whether biologically related to his children or not. Whilst it won't be a surprise to learn that I don't subscribe to the evolutionary foundations of Machin's work, it provides an interesting reflection on the search for meaning in why things work they way they do.

A worthwhile read for soon-to-be fathers (and mothers), as well as existing fathers (and mothers), wherever you are on your journey.

[Diego Atterbury · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really, really good. Thanks Author Anna. Funnily my daughter has the same name which is why I was initially drawn to it. This is a fantastic book and a very important piece of work. Anna has managed to surmise her impactful findings into a digestible educational tool. Not an easy thing to do. I’d advise all to be dads to have a read. As a current dad this book has been wonderful. Reading it before my daughter was born would’ve been even more wonderful. Many truths and myths have been validated and debunked. Thanks again Anna - truely thank you.

[Sam Ruffle Coles · Rating 2 out of 5]

I saw a clip of the author on a podcast on YouTube and added this book to my wishlist off the back of that, rather than listen to the whole podcast, which often ends up spoiler-ing the contents of a book. I thought it would be more of a science book for laymen but it is written as a book for new dads to be.

In that context it's better than the junk books I read when my wife was pregnant with our first child. So I think you could get more out of it than I did.

Going to go back and listen to the whole podcast with the author now which I imagine will be more interesting for me than this book.

[Marcel Muller · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would suggest this book to everyone, so it's a 5 star for me.
This book has given me some key ideas thinking about how I want to be for my just newborn child. It's an interesting read and gives different perspectives to many topics related to parenting.
It's good for fathers to see the impact their presence can have.
It's good for anyone else to see which struggles *might* be present with fathers.
I did not like that some ideas have been repeated more often than necessary but overall, it's a great book.

[Trevor Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

A detailed look at the roles fathers play in raising kids. It incredible how only of late has more research been done to look into how important a father’s role is in the family. This book explains a lot of aspects of fatherhood and how it’s changed over the centuries.

I totally, totally understand that this is a secular look at the role of the father. My only wish is that this could have possibly covered, just a bit, of how religion plays a role in the family and how that has impacted the role of the dad.

All in all a must read for both dads and moms.

[Matt Mair · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a gripping book but an informative one. The author quotes a lot of relatively new evidence of the importance of fathers (biological or social), and the positive impact they have on a child’s life distinct from ‘parents’ in general.
Very interesting fact that, when exposed to Oxytocin in a controlled setting, women will become more nurturing with their children while men will engage in more rough and tumble play! Maybe biological sex still has a role to play...

[Jérémie Cascales · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book to understand Fatherhood in a scientific perspective. Great highlight for the physiological and psychological involvement in the pregnancy, supporting the major role of the father into the process.
This book is based on the theory of evolution, which makes it supporting this ideology, but the point is not focused on it.
This book presents results that Fathers are missed in the process of pregnancy, creating disorder, and needing more support for them.
Enjoyed it!

[Raphael Dorigo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Important and good book which has helped me taking on my role as a dad confidently and positively. It's just a little short-sighted and self-contradictory at times in its conclusions, particularly when it insists there is no right way to be a dad and when it names many studies on the impact of dads on their children without specifying whether the genetic component was accounted for (which it often isn't, making these studies close to worthless).

[Vincent Coole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Clearly written and some interesting insights and information to take away. And I'm glad this book has been written at all. Machin does often veer towards the academic, with yet another research study to throw at the reader. I also found the anthropology stuff dull but appreciate that others may find this more interesting.

[Luke · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a new dad-to-be and whilst not overly worried about anything (I’m actually quite excited) I fully recognise that society has always downtrodden the role of the father. This is the ‘pep talk’ all first time dads should read, would thoroughly recommend. If nothing for the first line....