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Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach
Transforming the Difficult Child brings to life a new way of shifting intense children to a solid life of success. The Nurtured Heart Approach puts a refreshing spin on both parenting and teaching and reveals new techniques and strategies that create thoroughly positive behaviors. This is the newly updated 2016 revision.
221 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 28, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
August 20, 2023
I started this book with skepticism. I don't like the label "difficult" for a child, preferring to interpret their behavior as "communicating unmet needs." However, I was pleasantly surprised by this book. I think this method has an excellent chance of being transformative for parents who are struggling with their children. And I do agree with their definition of "difficult"--the children who do not respond to mainstream parenting. "Most parents of difficult children are using highly acceptable, well-researched, standard methods of parenting that would have an excellent chance of working well with a child with an easier temperament." Children with "strong needs and stronger manifestations of temperament." Well said.
Their main premise I accepted conditionally and skeptically, as "Okay, if you say so, I'll 'agree' so we can move on even though this doesn't strike me as necessarily true." Throughout the course of the book, although I'm still not sure I agree with their premise, I liked almost all of the techniques suggested and think they will be highly effective.
The premise: that the child is attracted to and solicits the highly charged negative energy of the parent getting upset. The child is seeking connection and intimacy, and this is more rewarding than no attention. "Any way you slice it, 5 min of reprimand or 5 min of lecture translate to 5 min of energetic reward of your time--of you--attached to the problem behavior. No one would dream of giving their child $100 bill for being disrespectful; but energetically, we inadvertently do it all the time."
The solution is a 3 part solution. I am 100% behind 1&3. (Some of 2 doesn't resonate with me; perhaps I don't understand it)
1. Shift your distribution of energy in the way you relate to the child. Instead of all the intensity being about misbehavior, spend a LOT of time describing what you see your child doing.
This has so much right about it. First, the book spends a lot of time explaining how to shift away from praise and judgment. It talks about how to SEE your child. It talks about imbuing your descriptions with positive energy. This is such an elegant solution. It takes only a few seconds. There is ALWAYS something to describe and you can spin it in a way that will leave the child feeling nurtured and positive. It can be done every time you interact with your child. I don't think I did justice to it in this description and I highly recommend reading the book to learn this technique. It's genius.
3. Once you have the positive part in place, you can implement consequences. I like how much emphasis it places on the positive before we start consequences. I've seen this before with "special time" but what I like about the approach in this book is it's always true and it takes only seconds. Even if you do it 50x a day.
Onward to consequences. This book suggests a modified timeout and although my children are past this, I definitely would have tried this out. Again, I recommend reading the book for details. But it reframes the whole thing as a "retry" and the important thing is that it's short, easily enforcible (which classic time out is NOT because often the kid refuses to go or stay--with this you do it wherever they are), and it's over quickly and re-sets the situation and sets the kid up for success. It's more about withdrawing energy for a short amount of time and then trying again. I like the comparison the book gives to a video game: the enjoyment is in the achievement and success. When you mess up, you're out, it's brief, it's immediate, it's unemotional, you can't argue it, and then you're back in the game right away to try again. Again, my description cannot do it justice; read the book for details.
As I said, #2 didn't speak to me so much, mainly because I don't have a lot of rules and having a home with rules is not the world I inhabit nor create. That's for philosophical reasons that are beyond this review and it works well for us. I gave this book 4 stars because the focus on the positive and consequence are so elegant and genius and I haven't seen them done this way before. But in my heart it's more a 3.8 because all the emphasis on children and rules really grates on me.
Sometimes I nitpick with the word choices in the examples and feel they overemphasize following the rules where instead they could emphasize how in line with the child's own goals this is or just exude the positive energy.
I am in total agreement about warnings.
I don't have experience with domestic violence but the book talks about that and about using this method for foster care.
There is also a chapter about it being very effective for kids with ADHD.
The optional credit system did not resonate with me.
Their main premise I accepted conditionally and skeptically, as "Okay, if you say so, I'll 'agree' so we can move on even though this doesn't strike me as necessarily true." Throughout the course of the book, although I'm still not sure I agree with their premise, I liked almost all of the techniques suggested and think they will be highly effective.
The premise: that the child is attracted to and solicits the highly charged negative energy of the parent getting upset. The child is seeking connection and intimacy, and this is more rewarding than no attention. "Any way you slice it, 5 min of reprimand or 5 min of lecture translate to 5 min of energetic reward of your time--of you--attached to the problem behavior. No one would dream of giving their child $100 bill for being disrespectful; but energetically, we inadvertently do it all the time."
The solution is a 3 part solution. I am 100% behind 1&3. (Some of 2 doesn't resonate with me; perhaps I don't understand it)
1. Shift your distribution of energy in the way you relate to the child. Instead of all the intensity being about misbehavior, spend a LOT of time describing what you see your child doing.
This has so much right about it. First, the book spends a lot of time explaining how to shift away from praise and judgment. It talks about how to SEE your child. It talks about imbuing your descriptions with positive energy. This is such an elegant solution. It takes only a few seconds. There is ALWAYS something to describe and you can spin it in a way that will leave the child feeling nurtured and positive. It can be done every time you interact with your child. I don't think I did justice to it in this description and I highly recommend reading the book to learn this technique. It's genius.
3. Once you have the positive part in place, you can implement consequences. I like how much emphasis it places on the positive before we start consequences. I've seen this before with "special time" but what I like about the approach in this book is it's always true and it takes only seconds. Even if you do it 50x a day.
Onward to consequences. This book suggests a modified timeout and although my children are past this, I definitely would have tried this out. Again, I recommend reading the book for details. But it reframes the whole thing as a "retry" and the important thing is that it's short, easily enforcible (which classic time out is NOT because often the kid refuses to go or stay--with this you do it wherever they are), and it's over quickly and re-sets the situation and sets the kid up for success. It's more about withdrawing energy for a short amount of time and then trying again. I like the comparison the book gives to a video game: the enjoyment is in the achievement and success. When you mess up, you're out, it's brief, it's immediate, it's unemotional, you can't argue it, and then you're back in the game right away to try again. Again, my description cannot do it justice; read the book for details.
As I said, #2 didn't speak to me so much, mainly because I don't have a lot of rules and having a home with rules is not the world I inhabit nor create. That's for philosophical reasons that are beyond this review and it works well for us. I gave this book 4 stars because the focus on the positive and consequence are so elegant and genius and I haven't seen them done this way before. But in my heart it's more a 3.8 because all the emphasis on children and rules really grates on me.
Sometimes I nitpick with the word choices in the examples and feel they overemphasize following the rules where instead they could emphasize how in line with the child's own goals this is or just exude the positive energy.
I am in total agreement about warnings.
I don't have experience with domestic violence but the book talks about that and about using this method for foster care.
There is also a chapter about it being very effective for kids with ADHD.
The optional credit system did not resonate with me.
July 30, 2018
So I am babysitting one of my nephews this summer who happens to have some behavioral problems often enough to warrant reading this book.
Plus, my sister is kinda making me in order to try this new technique with him that she just learned at a seminar.
*******************************************************
Well this reads like someone is trying to sell you a vacuum cleaner that you don't need.
Really. It's kinda bad and boring in that way, but the psychology part of it was interesting to me and I found these techniques surprisingly helpful in starting positive behavior changes for my niece and nephews. I think there is more needed than just the techniques in this book in order to REALLY make a difference, but I do think this could be an important step in the right direction.
P.S. I'd probably give this a 4 star rating except I don't want the goodreads recommendations based off this since it's not exactly my choice reading.
Plus, my sister is kinda making me in order to try this new technique with him that she just learned at a seminar.
*******************************************************
Well this reads like someone is trying to sell you a vacuum cleaner that you don't need.
Really. It's kinda bad and boring in that way, but the psychology part of it was interesting to me and I found these techniques surprisingly helpful in starting positive behavior changes for my niece and nephews. I think there is more needed than just the techniques in this book in order to REALLY make a difference, but I do think this could be an important step in the right direction.
P.S. I'd probably give this a 4 star rating except I don't want the goodreads recommendations based off this since it's not exactly my choice reading.
June 30, 2020
This isn’t only for parents of difficult or intense children; the Nurtured Heart Approach is for ALL parents!
I do, however, have a young child who is intense and difficult and has been medically traumatized. Not only have I enjoyed seeing positive changes in him as I’ve applied my new skills, but I have felt like a better, more in control mom to my little guy.
I’m giving 5 Stars despite the book’s problems. It is repetitive, disorganized, and absolutely full of errors. The content helps me overlook my complaints.
I do, however, have a young child who is intense and difficult and has been medically traumatized. Not only have I enjoyed seeing positive changes in him as I’ve applied my new skills, but I have felt like a better, more in control mom to my little guy.
I’m giving 5 Stars despite the book’s problems. It is repetitive, disorganized, and absolutely full of errors. The content helps me overlook my complaints.
February 25, 2019
The nurtured heart approach is great. The book, however, is very repetitive.
March 18, 2023
This is the book I needed when I first started parenting! I have 5 kids and 2 of them, at the moment, have adhd. This book is helpful and needed for parenting all kids, not just those with adhd. The changes we e seen proves that! The insight on how children are learning compared to what we expect from them was an amazing reminder to reset my expectations.
We already strive to use positive reinforcement in our household but something was missing. I went through most of this book thinking, “yes, this is good. I totally agree. But how do I implement this?” And the chapter about consequences is where it hit home for me. Truly all the positive reinforcement comes first. But when that’s what you’ve done and you don’t know what else to do, their approach to consequences and warnings made a 1000% sense.
While there have been challenges in implementing these consequences, which is to be expected with an new change, I can already see the growth outweigh them. I no longer yell because there is not a need to feel heard or to be kind in my parenting. It all comes with their approach. Highly recommend for any parent looking to up-level their parenting style!
We already strive to use positive reinforcement in our household but something was missing. I went through most of this book thinking, “yes, this is good. I totally agree. But how do I implement this?” And the chapter about consequences is where it hit home for me. Truly all the positive reinforcement comes first. But when that’s what you’ve done and you don’t know what else to do, their approach to consequences and warnings made a 1000% sense.
While there have been challenges in implementing these consequences, which is to be expected with an new change, I can already see the growth outweigh them. I no longer yell because there is not a need to feel heard or to be kind in my parenting. It all comes with their approach. Highly recommend for any parent looking to up-level their parenting style!
June 21, 2024
I tried so hard to finish this book! It was recommended to me by our OT office which is neurodiversity affirming and great with both of my kids. I clenched my teeth as I requested it from the library because the title is SO bad. But I wanted to give it a fair chance. And their general thesis statement makes sense: make being happy with your kids for doing well MORE interesting than being frustrated with them for acting out.
Once I got into it, I struggled because the text is so dramatic. After a section about the benefits of structure, they follow it up with scary bold text: “What drugs, alcohol, gangs, involvement with the juvenile justice system and getting pregnant as a teen have in common is that they are all highly structured experiences.“ If you don’t give your kids structure, they’re going to be pregnant and in a gang!
I was out after that. My kids are delightful, not difficult. They are, as future versions of this book appear to have shifted to, “intense,” but I don’t think this book offers any unique insights into them, especially if you’re a neurodivergent parent yourself.
Once I got into it, I struggled because the text is so dramatic. After a section about the benefits of structure, they follow it up with scary bold text: “What drugs, alcohol, gangs, involvement with the juvenile justice system and getting pregnant as a teen have in common is that they are all highly structured experiences.“ If you don’t give your kids structure, they’re going to be pregnant and in a gang!
I was out after that. My kids are delightful, not difficult. They are, as future versions of this book appear to have shifted to, “intense,” but I don’t think this book offers any unique insights into them, especially if you’re a neurodivergent parent yourself.
October 1, 2023
Game changing
I'm so glad I read this. I learned about this book from an Instagram mother who is former Mennonite and homesteads. She has a son who pushes and challenges and he reminds me of my own son all the time. She recommended this book for learning how to structure discipline and start focusing on rewarding positive behavior in the correct manner for kids who push out of a need of structure. I can't wait to make the changes I found in this book and see how Wyatt is able to flourish. The system focuses on changing our energy output to focus on positive behavior while minimizing how we respond to negatives (which some kids thrive on because they know they can get our attention and they also know they can push us to give that negative attention and essentially break us down). I see how even I have fallen into this cycle and now it's time for us to break it!
I'm so glad I read this. I learned about this book from an Instagram mother who is former Mennonite and homesteads. She has a son who pushes and challenges and he reminds me of my own son all the time. She recommended this book for learning how to structure discipline and start focusing on rewarding positive behavior in the correct manner for kids who push out of a need of structure. I can't wait to make the changes I found in this book and see how Wyatt is able to flourish. The system focuses on changing our energy output to focus on positive behavior while minimizing how we respond to negatives (which some kids thrive on because they know they can get our attention and they also know they can push us to give that negative attention and essentially break us down). I see how even I have fallen into this cycle and now it's time for us to break it!
January 21, 2023
This approach has given us a course of action that no-one has been able to point out in a clear way before. We have fallen in many mistakes in the attempt to help our daughter, all with good will, but with very poor understanding both of our way to see and appreciate her, and of "specialists" that also have a traditionally limited way of viewing her potential (with a ASD diagnosis as well as the presence of ADHD and ODD). We trust we can learn to appreciate her and ourselves better and more by following the approach and by a change of mind and heart towards her greatness, as well as ours as a family. Thank you for the book!
December 19, 2024
I really wish they’d use a term other than “difficult” child. I was recommended this book by my daughter’s former therapist. She has autism and ADHD. I did try to apply some of the recommendations, and still use some, but it’s quite a bit to try keeping up with for a busy family with 4 children. For the most part, the advice is pretty standard: pay more attention to positive behavior, ignore unwanted behavior, and be consistent. Focus on rewards and not punishment (the “punishment” is not getting the rewards) and start small. That’s all well and good, but only somewhat half worked. For my child, we still need to take privileges away to get full effect, but she is doing much better.
March 11, 2019
I skipped/skimmed a few chapters toward the end, but thought this book was very helpful. I feel like its overall message of focusing attention/energy on positive behavior while setting clear, firm limits is solid advice. Some good reminders there! And it’s been helpful with my own kids— none or whom think they are at all difficult, naturally!
June 29, 2021
Excellent. It was a bit hard to read in the beginning since I’m not used to the style but changing my technique with my son has made things night and day. He’s always been good at expressing himself but tended to be very impulsive and within a couple weeks of starting the technique, just wonders. The nurtured heart approach is beneficial for everyone of all ages.
March 19, 2023
My ultimate takeaway? Don't put your energy in the negative actions. Overall, lots of repetition in this book, which is good and bad. But, makes it feel dense and I lost interest once the solution was another version of time out. At a minimum, it's worth reading the bold print in the book!
August 16, 2023
The nurtured heart approach is a useful system for difficult children. As a teacher I can use most of the aspects of the approach. However I found the book to be very wordy, saying the same thing over and over with only a few examples.
June 5, 2018
This is a must read for teachers who work with emotionally challenged kids with behavior problems.
September 10, 2018
5 stars for concept and message, 2 for style and arrangement—it needs very heavy editing. I don’t understand how a book in this state makes it to multiple editions.
August 22, 2019
SO GOOD. If you are an educator, read this book! Great strategies and really clear explanations on how to implement it.
November 25, 2019
Great techniques and tips but a bit redundant.
August 22, 2020
I think we have a found a book that may address the issues and challenges in our family successfully.
February 19, 2025
So so good!! Highly recommend for parents with ADHD, ADD, Autistic children.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews