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Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband
The bestselling author of Sacred Marriage returns to show wives how to revolutionize their marriage through helping, inspiring, and influencing their husbands.
Women: you're not alone in your marriage. You never have been, and you never will be. While it may not always feel like it, God wants you to have a relationally healthy, emotionally engaged, and spiritually mature husband.
In Loving Him Well - previously titled Sacred Influence - Gary Thomas builds on concepts from his bestselling book Sacred Marriage to reveal the inner workings of a man's heart and mind. He delves into Scriptures that help women gain biblical insight to influence their husbands. Exploring the research of neuroscientists, trained counselors, and abuse victim advocates, Gary also interviews dozens of wives to find what has worked and what hasn’t as they've sought to build the best marriage possible.
With new stories and fresh illustrations to help wives understand, love, and influence their husbands, Loving Him Well offers encouragement, biblically based support, and practical applications for the transformation of your marriage, drawing you and your husband closer together, the way God intended.
Thomas desires to "encourage women who are in good marriages that could get even better; and offer hope and a new path forward to women who feel invisible or marginalized in their marriage." You'll discover the influence you can gain and the peace of mind you can build when you go first to God for your worth, validation, protection, and provision and then learn how to use that platform to help your husband draw closer to you and closer to God.
Loving Him Well includes study questions at the end of each chapter and is also available in Spanish, Amándolo bien.
Previously published as Sacred Influence
287 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2006
661 people are currently reading
3930 people want to read
About the author
Gary L. Thomas
61 books646 followersGary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 198 reviews
July 10, 2018
I really struggle to rate this book. It gave me A LOT of food for thought, challenged me and gave me instantly applicable ways to work on my marriage. However, I had a difficult time with the author's view on divorce and separation and thought some of his advice was more pragmatic and secular (leaning on psychology) than Biblical. I'm still processing the information and I believe Gary Thomas is writing from years of experience; I think this contributes to a more practical, realist approach than the sometimes spiritualized, idealistic approach of people who haven't seen some really hard situations. The question is: should incredibly difficult situations alter what we see as clear teaching from scripture? Should we leave room for special cases?
The author is very careful to explain that he is an advocate for marriage and to show that divorce is not an easy out. However, some of the way he talked about divorce/separation concerned me. He wrote that separation is appropriate in some situations (in order for men to feel the consequences of their actions and for women to develop their own strength) and that "it's not a sin to need a vacation if your marriage is driving you crazy." In some particularly difficult times in my own marriage, I think this sort of advice would have helped me justify separation which I believe could have been incredibly damaging to our marriage.
In the case of adultery (or unrepentant, continuous pornography) and abuse, Thomas argues that divorce is legitimate. He writes, "God is against divorce in most cases, but he's equally against marriages that are sucking the lives out of women that are married to spiritually sick men." In another chapter he says, "If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions, even institutions he created...I will never defend a marriage above the emotional, spiritual and physical health of a woman." He draws a parallel between this and Christ's teaching that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. This is a new thought for me, but also a concerning one. How can we tell when the cost is too high? When we're hurting it feels too high NOW. How can we tell if our spouse is too "spiritually sick" to stay in the marriage? Aren't we all spiritually sick to some degree? We don't know how or when God will change our spouse's heart or how he will use our difficulties in our own lives. Yet, knowing the types of situations that happen in real life, can I really condemn the author's reasoning that divorce is sometimes the answer? I am pretty against divorce, both as a child of divorced parents and as someone who has struggled much in my own marriage. Without an unwavering commitment to staying married, I wonder how many people will look for any justification to exit their marriage and possibly miss out on what God was trying to do in their lives. This book, although highlighting examples of couples who did adamantly reject divorce outright, troubled me in this area and I would be reluctant to recommend it because of it. It is helpful, though, that Thomas encourages the reader to determine their views of what the Bible says about this matter before taking any action.
I also thought some of the material was too pragmatic. For example, the author talks about "functional fixedness," the idea that men need to feel the consequences for themselves before being willing to change because they don't have empathy for the consequences that their spouse feels. He writes that if you can't compel him to be more responsible with money, or fulfill his responsibilities around the house you should refuse to eat out with him or accept that the house doesn't get clean if he doesn't do his share of the house work, allowing him to be impacted by his choices (which he distinguishes from punishing him). This advice could conflict with the complementarian view of marriage and could also push a marriage into the realm of roommates - each responsible for their own part, but not working together as a whole.
Speaking of complementarianism, the author describes both that and egalitarianism. Though he seems to favor complementarianism (and says that he own marriage resembles that model) he writes that most of the material works for both egalitarian and complementarian marriages. He compliments egalitarianism for the call for women to fulfill their responsibilities and not be passive but also says the Bible clearly calls wives to some form of submission. Encouraging the reader to consult the Bible about this topic, he writes that "regardless of which view you adopt on marital roles, Moses in Genesis and the apostle Paul in his writings are both quite explicit that the wife embrace the spiritually powerful position of being her husband's helper."
Thomas presents lots of research about the biological differences in the male brain, but he is careful to not excuse bad behavior on the grounds of any sort of inherent disposition. I appreciated this material (like learning that men are, on average, seven hours behind women in their processing of emotionally charged material) and it helps make sense of situations we experience regularly. The author tries hard to help women understand that men do not think like women and you can tell that his heart is for couples to understand each other, be gracious in differences (without excusing sin) and learn from the strengths that God gave to each. He writes that we see in Christ the perfect balance of the strengths of male and female brains. We need to learn from and appreciate each, and children need to be raised under the influence of both. I'm really thankful for how the author gives material to challenge wives about how to appreciate and understand their husband's differences and still holds men accountable for their individual choices. It was interesting and helpful to hear from a man's perspective about the topics covered.
One of my final concerns is that, even with my background in psychology, I have grown increasingly leery of it and there are a couple times that Thomas' arguments feel overly psychological or biological. At the same time, I have to acknowledge that God does give us insight into how our brains and bodies work and it would be foolish to ignore how these parts of our beings influence us.
Those are my concerns and are things that I am still thinking through, but that would keep me from whole-heartedly recommending the book. Now for the concepts that really encouraged/challenged me:
1. You can change the equation of your marriage by remodeling yourself. A + B = C (even if one is constant, if you change the other you can change the outcome).
2. Marriage isn't primarily fueled by the love you give to your husband, it's primarily fueled by the love you receive from God. "Whenever your husband breaks your heart, let God fill it. Before you try anything else, even before you seek resolution, learn to run into the amazing, affirming, understanding refuge that is God. Allow the puzzle of loving an imperfect man to push you into a fulfilling partnership with the God who loves you and loves your husband and who will work with you in any holy endeavor."
3. Transform the focus of your expectations from what you expect of your husband to what your God expects of you. "Respond to temptations to judge your husband, by praying to God to change you. Go into prayer armed with two lists: your husband's strengths and your own weaknesses."
4. "Your job as a wife is to stay sensitive to your husband's strengths. Resist the temptation to compare his weaknesses to another husband's strengths while forgetting your husband's strengths and somebody else's husband's weaknesses. Don't resent your husband for being less than perfect. He can't be anything else."
5. "Harmony, joy, and peace will never grace a home ruled by expectations instead of by the cross."
6. Your husband is not the church. God called us into community. There's no way that your husband can (or should be expected to) meet all of your needs. Seek other members of the body (same sex) with whom to pray, study, run, etc.
7. If it's good for him, it's good for us.
There is really helpful material about anger that I appreciated. He encourages women to not blame themselves for their husbands' anger writing that it's impossible to live with an angry man without making him angry. However, he reasons that it's inevitable that spouses will be angry with each other at times. He writes, if you ask him to never be angry you'll confuse him, because asking him to never feel anger is like asking you never to feel hurt. Both are the result of two sinners living together. He clarifies that anger as a feeling becomes a sinful expression when it scares, threatens or hurts. It is also sinful when it pressures someone to give in, or keeps them from expressing their own feelings. He challenges women in their response to their husband's sinful anger writing that you must work to stay humble in your opposition of pride. Just because someone I'm opposing is wrong, doesn't mean I'm right. There are a million ways to miss a target, and only one way to hit it.
There's quite a bit of material about sexuality (both the necessity of it in marriage and the perversion of it) that was challenging and helpful, though I don't necessarily agree with his perspective with everything.
Overall, I was really challenged by this book. It gave me a lot of compassion for my husband, for the unique struggles that may impact men differently than women and for the needs that he has. It made me think seriously about loving him well and put Luke 6:32 ("If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.") in the context of marriage. Even a unbeliever can love a husband who is thoughtful, attentive, handy, and so on. Christian wives are called to love their imperfect husbands and so imitate God's love for us. It convicted me of my sinful attitudes, expectations and behaviors and gave lots of very practical help for working on myself, encouraging my husband and glorifying God in our marriage. I would recommend this to mature believers with a caveat about the concerns mentioned above. I would enjoy the opportunity to go through this book with a mature friend who could help me Biblically process the things I was unsure about and hold me accountable to work through the many areas covered. I will definitely re-read it.
I love Gary Thomas' audiobooks because he reads them himself and I think I get so much more out of them by listening. He's a fast reader and he is very expressive and warm - it almost feels like a counseling session. I only miss being able to easily reference the text for further study/follow up.
The author is very careful to explain that he is an advocate for marriage and to show that divorce is not an easy out. However, some of the way he talked about divorce/separation concerned me. He wrote that separation is appropriate in some situations (in order for men to feel the consequences of their actions and for women to develop their own strength) and that "it's not a sin to need a vacation if your marriage is driving you crazy." In some particularly difficult times in my own marriage, I think this sort of advice would have helped me justify separation which I believe could have been incredibly damaging to our marriage.
In the case of adultery (or unrepentant, continuous pornography) and abuse, Thomas argues that divorce is legitimate. He writes, "God is against divorce in most cases, but he's equally against marriages that are sucking the lives out of women that are married to spiritually sick men." In another chapter he says, "If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions, even institutions he created...I will never defend a marriage above the emotional, spiritual and physical health of a woman." He draws a parallel between this and Christ's teaching that the sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. This is a new thought for me, but also a concerning one. How can we tell when the cost is too high? When we're hurting it feels too high NOW. How can we tell if our spouse is too "spiritually sick" to stay in the marriage? Aren't we all spiritually sick to some degree? We don't know how or when God will change our spouse's heart or how he will use our difficulties in our own lives. Yet, knowing the types of situations that happen in real life, can I really condemn the author's reasoning that divorce is sometimes the answer? I am pretty against divorce, both as a child of divorced parents and as someone who has struggled much in my own marriage. Without an unwavering commitment to staying married, I wonder how many people will look for any justification to exit their marriage and possibly miss out on what God was trying to do in their lives. This book, although highlighting examples of couples who did adamantly reject divorce outright, troubled me in this area and I would be reluctant to recommend it because of it. It is helpful, though, that Thomas encourages the reader to determine their views of what the Bible says about this matter before taking any action.
I also thought some of the material was too pragmatic. For example, the author talks about "functional fixedness," the idea that men need to feel the consequences for themselves before being willing to change because they don't have empathy for the consequences that their spouse feels. He writes that if you can't compel him to be more responsible with money, or fulfill his responsibilities around the house you should refuse to eat out with him or accept that the house doesn't get clean if he doesn't do his share of the house work, allowing him to be impacted by his choices (which he distinguishes from punishing him). This advice could conflict with the complementarian view of marriage and could also push a marriage into the realm of roommates - each responsible for their own part, but not working together as a whole.
Speaking of complementarianism, the author describes both that and egalitarianism. Though he seems to favor complementarianism (and says that he own marriage resembles that model) he writes that most of the material works for both egalitarian and complementarian marriages. He compliments egalitarianism for the call for women to fulfill their responsibilities and not be passive but also says the Bible clearly calls wives to some form of submission. Encouraging the reader to consult the Bible about this topic, he writes that "regardless of which view you adopt on marital roles, Moses in Genesis and the apostle Paul in his writings are both quite explicit that the wife embrace the spiritually powerful position of being her husband's helper."
Thomas presents lots of research about the biological differences in the male brain, but he is careful to not excuse bad behavior on the grounds of any sort of inherent disposition. I appreciated this material (like learning that men are, on average, seven hours behind women in their processing of emotionally charged material) and it helps make sense of situations we experience regularly. The author tries hard to help women understand that men do not think like women and you can tell that his heart is for couples to understand each other, be gracious in differences (without excusing sin) and learn from the strengths that God gave to each. He writes that we see in Christ the perfect balance of the strengths of male and female brains. We need to learn from and appreciate each, and children need to be raised under the influence of both. I'm really thankful for how the author gives material to challenge wives about how to appreciate and understand their husband's differences and still holds men accountable for their individual choices. It was interesting and helpful to hear from a man's perspective about the topics covered.
One of my final concerns is that, even with my background in psychology, I have grown increasingly leery of it and there are a couple times that Thomas' arguments feel overly psychological or biological. At the same time, I have to acknowledge that God does give us insight into how our brains and bodies work and it would be foolish to ignore how these parts of our beings influence us.
Those are my concerns and are things that I am still thinking through, but that would keep me from whole-heartedly recommending the book. Now for the concepts that really encouraged/challenged me:
1. You can change the equation of your marriage by remodeling yourself. A + B = C (even if one is constant, if you change the other you can change the outcome).
2. Marriage isn't primarily fueled by the love you give to your husband, it's primarily fueled by the love you receive from God. "Whenever your husband breaks your heart, let God fill it. Before you try anything else, even before you seek resolution, learn to run into the amazing, affirming, understanding refuge that is God. Allow the puzzle of loving an imperfect man to push you into a fulfilling partnership with the God who loves you and loves your husband and who will work with you in any holy endeavor."
3. Transform the focus of your expectations from what you expect of your husband to what your God expects of you. "Respond to temptations to judge your husband, by praying to God to change you. Go into prayer armed with two lists: your husband's strengths and your own weaknesses."
4. "Your job as a wife is to stay sensitive to your husband's strengths. Resist the temptation to compare his weaknesses to another husband's strengths while forgetting your husband's strengths and somebody else's husband's weaknesses. Don't resent your husband for being less than perfect. He can't be anything else."
5. "Harmony, joy, and peace will never grace a home ruled by expectations instead of by the cross."
6. Your husband is not the church. God called us into community. There's no way that your husband can (or should be expected to) meet all of your needs. Seek other members of the body (same sex) with whom to pray, study, run, etc.
7. If it's good for him, it's good for us.
There is really helpful material about anger that I appreciated. He encourages women to not blame themselves for their husbands' anger writing that it's impossible to live with an angry man without making him angry. However, he reasons that it's inevitable that spouses will be angry with each other at times. He writes, if you ask him to never be angry you'll confuse him, because asking him to never feel anger is like asking you never to feel hurt. Both are the result of two sinners living together. He clarifies that anger as a feeling becomes a sinful expression when it scares, threatens or hurts. It is also sinful when it pressures someone to give in, or keeps them from expressing their own feelings. He challenges women in their response to their husband's sinful anger writing that you must work to stay humble in your opposition of pride. Just because someone I'm opposing is wrong, doesn't mean I'm right. There are a million ways to miss a target, and only one way to hit it.
There's quite a bit of material about sexuality (both the necessity of it in marriage and the perversion of it) that was challenging and helpful, though I don't necessarily agree with his perspective with everything.
Overall, I was really challenged by this book. It gave me a lot of compassion for my husband, for the unique struggles that may impact men differently than women and for the needs that he has. It made me think seriously about loving him well and put Luke 6:32 ("If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.") in the context of marriage. Even a unbeliever can love a husband who is thoughtful, attentive, handy, and so on. Christian wives are called to love their imperfect husbands and so imitate God's love for us. It convicted me of my sinful attitudes, expectations and behaviors and gave lots of very practical help for working on myself, encouraging my husband and glorifying God in our marriage. I would recommend this to mature believers with a caveat about the concerns mentioned above. I would enjoy the opportunity to go through this book with a mature friend who could help me Biblically process the things I was unsure about and hold me accountable to work through the many areas covered. I will definitely re-read it.
I love Gary Thomas' audiobooks because he reads them himself and I think I get so much more out of them by listening. He's a fast reader and he is very expressive and warm - it almost feels like a counseling session. I only miss being able to easily reference the text for further study/follow up.
February 21, 2020
This book was totally infuriating to me. Why? Because the author is probably right. The basic premise of this book is if you, as the wife, do the cooking, cleaning, child rearing and everything else you can possibly do, all without complaint and making your husband feel like he is the greatest man on the planet, then MAYBE, in a few weeks, months, or years, your husband will become the partner you would like him to be.
September 22, 2021
Summary-- men are childish and immature, vastly out of touch with their own thoughts and emotions. As a wife, you need to suppress and ignore your own needs and wants. You need to make your husband's life as convenient and cushy as possible because he can't be a godly husband until his home life is nothing but coddling and sex. Don't expect much from your husband, he's incapable of much. If you find yourself in an abusive marriage, you should try harder and not leave. Well, you can leave your abusive husband but God will be happier with you if you don't. If you husband is having an affair, try harder, don't file for divorce. Basically, the wife can't make decisions or have any needs, wants, dreams, or goals, but, at the end of the day, she's responsible for everything, you can't expect a man to be a decent husband unless the wife is literally his slave. Even then, he might not be a decent husband, but God wants us to suffer in our marriages.
Reading this book gives me immense sympathy for the author's wife.
Reading this book gives me immense sympathy for the author's wife.
January 23, 2024
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. RULE #1: Stop taking your husband for granted.
- Women who ignore this aspect of marriage because they’re too busy with their children have it backward.
- They risk opening up their children to the devastating wound of divorce by not tending to the stability of their marriage.
- In willingly assuming the role of “wife”, you pledge to spend a good deal of effort and time on the welfare of your husband.
2. WIFE ROLE:
- Your job as a wife is to fight to stay sensitive to your husband’s strengths.
- He’s moved by a wife who lets him lead and then helps him get where he wants to go.
- Your lack of time limits your ability to help.
- Find one or two really strategic ways to make your husband’s life run smoothly, you’ll cement his affections.
3. WORK ON YOURSELF:
- The reason it’s so important for you to concentrate on your own growth is so that you can avoid the sin of pride, which constantly tempts us to focus on changing our spouses while neglecting our own weaknesses.
- Your husband cannot possibly be all things to you.
- You are responsible to get certain things that you need for your own personal development—and emotional and spiritual health, outside of marriage.
- No husband, by himself, is enough; you still need others, and it’s your responsibility to cultivate those other relationships.
4. BE HAPPY:
- It does something to a man’s heart when his wife and kids look happy to see him.
- Without feeling appreciated, admired, and genuinely respected, your husband probably will never change.
5. BE VIGILANT:
- *Keep your finger on the pulse of your marriage*
- A wise woman understands her husband’s desires and uses them to strengthen the relationship.
- She anticipates his needs and gives him something to look forward to when he comes home, reinforcing his need for her, his desire for her, and his focus for her.
6. BREAK DOWN:
- Marriages breakdown because one or both partners simply stop trying to please their spouse.
- Many people in marriage simply stop caring about whether they’re “good in bed”.
- They abuse the security and commitment of the relationship, allowing their physical intimacy to fall into a predictable routine.
7. PLAY:
- Men want the freedom to occasionally do something “fun” without the guilt.
- Men love to laugh and they love women who have a great, spontaneous sense of humor.
8. TALKING:
- It hurts men to talk through hurtful experiences.
- Because of the way, the female brain works (oxytocin release), talking through emotional issues have a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men; such discussions create anxiety and stress.
- Usually, people stonewall as protection from feeling flooded (shell-shocked). His brain doesn’t work the same.
9. SEX:
- Sex is the quickest way for a man to bond with a woman.
- Husbands are far more likely to be more heavily involved and invested in the home if their wife pursues him sexually.
10. BEHAVE YOUR WAY:
- In a mature marriage, romance is maintained only through hard work, deliberate choices, and concrete actions.
- You can’t force feelings, but you can choose to act so that feelings usually follow.
- If we act like we’re in love, we’ll keep falling in love.
1. RULE #1: Stop taking your husband for granted.
- Women who ignore this aspect of marriage because they’re too busy with their children have it backward.
- They risk opening up their children to the devastating wound of divorce by not tending to the stability of their marriage.
- In willingly assuming the role of “wife”, you pledge to spend a good deal of effort and time on the welfare of your husband.
2. WIFE ROLE:
- Your job as a wife is to fight to stay sensitive to your husband’s strengths.
- He’s moved by a wife who lets him lead and then helps him get where he wants to go.
- Your lack of time limits your ability to help.
- Find one or two really strategic ways to make your husband’s life run smoothly, you’ll cement his affections.
3. WORK ON YOURSELF:
- The reason it’s so important for you to concentrate on your own growth is so that you can avoid the sin of pride, which constantly tempts us to focus on changing our spouses while neglecting our own weaknesses.
- Your husband cannot possibly be all things to you.
- You are responsible to get certain things that you need for your own personal development—and emotional and spiritual health, outside of marriage.
- No husband, by himself, is enough; you still need others, and it’s your responsibility to cultivate those other relationships.
4. BE HAPPY:
- It does something to a man’s heart when his wife and kids look happy to see him.
- Without feeling appreciated, admired, and genuinely respected, your husband probably will never change.
5. BE VIGILANT:
- *Keep your finger on the pulse of your marriage*
- A wise woman understands her husband’s desires and uses them to strengthen the relationship.
- She anticipates his needs and gives him something to look forward to when he comes home, reinforcing his need for her, his desire for her, and his focus for her.
6. BREAK DOWN:
- Marriages breakdown because one or both partners simply stop trying to please their spouse.
- Many people in marriage simply stop caring about whether they’re “good in bed”.
- They abuse the security and commitment of the relationship, allowing their physical intimacy to fall into a predictable routine.
7. PLAY:
- Men want the freedom to occasionally do something “fun” without the guilt.
- Men love to laugh and they love women who have a great, spontaneous sense of humor.
8. TALKING:
- It hurts men to talk through hurtful experiences.
- Because of the way, the female brain works (oxytocin release), talking through emotional issues have a calming effect, while the opposite is true for most men; such discussions create anxiety and stress.
- Usually, people stonewall as protection from feeling flooded (shell-shocked). His brain doesn’t work the same.
9. SEX:
- Sex is the quickest way for a man to bond with a woman.
- Husbands are far more likely to be more heavily involved and invested in the home if their wife pursues him sexually.
10. BEHAVE YOUR WAY:
- In a mature marriage, romance is maintained only through hard work, deliberate choices, and concrete actions.
- You can’t force feelings, but you can choose to act so that feelings usually follow.
- If we act like we’re in love, we’ll keep falling in love.
May 18, 2024
I'm stuck between 2 or 3 stars for this one. This is another one we read for our women's Bible study. If I had read it on my own it probably would have been a DNF.
Postives: For a group study, this book did facilitate some very interesting conversations and I really liked that it had questions at the end of each chapter. The author did make some good points along the way and I do feel like I came away with some extra wisdom... though I think a lot of that wisdom came more from the amazing women I do the study with. It definitely was more beneficial reading this with a multi-generational group, each coming from different experiences and backgrounds. Helped tremendously.
The overall point seemed to be to put God first over your husband. When you can't change someone else (like your husband), you can focus on your relationship with God and how that can change you instead. In the end, our end-all-be-all is not our husbands. We can't find all fulfillment in them, but we can find joy and fulfillment in God. I do think that was a good focus... however, there were a lot of other points that I didn't love.
Negatives: a book shouldn't only be good because of the study group you are a part of. Many times I felt frustrated with what the author was saying and would even ask my husband to read parts to say, "Does this feel accurate?" Every time my husband said, "No, not really," or "this guy seems a little much." Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones that doesn't have to deal with the problems mentioned in this book... in that case, the book isn't at fault, it's just not helpful to me.
I will say that even when I felt frustrated by a chapter, our group had a way of finding the positive or wisdom within what was said. I loved that and did grow from those beautiful women.
I think there's got to be better Christian books out there on marriage or even loving a difficult husband... or whatever the goal of this book was. I don't even fully know because... I'm not even sure what his point on 'influencing your husband' was in the end. Just to focus on God instead of your stupid husband (who has a monkey brain, so it's not really his fault he is stupid), I guess. That's sarcasm. But basically what the book said lol I must have found a more evolved husband, though, so that's good for me.
Postives: For a group study, this book did facilitate some very interesting conversations and I really liked that it had questions at the end of each chapter. The author did make some good points along the way and I do feel like I came away with some extra wisdom... though I think a lot of that wisdom came more from the amazing women I do the study with. It definitely was more beneficial reading this with a multi-generational group, each coming from different experiences and backgrounds. Helped tremendously.
The overall point seemed to be to put God first over your husband. When you can't change someone else (like your husband), you can focus on your relationship with God and how that can change you instead. In the end, our end-all-be-all is not our husbands. We can't find all fulfillment in them, but we can find joy and fulfillment in God. I do think that was a good focus... however, there were a lot of other points that I didn't love.
Negatives: a book shouldn't only be good because of the study group you are a part of. Many times I felt frustrated with what the author was saying and would even ask my husband to read parts to say, "Does this feel accurate?" Every time my husband said, "No, not really," or "this guy seems a little much." Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones that doesn't have to deal with the problems mentioned in this book... in that case, the book isn't at fault, it's just not helpful to me.
I will say that even when I felt frustrated by a chapter, our group had a way of finding the positive or wisdom within what was said. I loved that and did grow from those beautiful women.
I think there's got to be better Christian books out there on marriage or even loving a difficult husband... or whatever the goal of this book was. I don't even fully know because... I'm not even sure what his point on 'influencing your husband' was in the end. Just to focus on God instead of your stupid husband (who has a monkey brain, so it's not really his fault he is stupid), I guess. That's sarcasm. But basically what the book said lol I must have found a more evolved husband, though, so that's good for me.
February 18, 2020
Read this book to learn how to better love your husband, but read it ready to allow your own heart issues to be exposed and dealt with! So excellent!
October 26, 2010
If you view your marriage as a ministry, understanding that it's much bigger than 'just being happy', then you should check out this book. All that stuff sounds great; but practical meaningful application is what we crave.
This isn't a book outlining the 10 steps to fixing your husband. Instead it speaks to wives about how to allow God to change your view of marriage, and of your husband.
I highlighted the crap out this big.. lol But now here comes the real challenge: transforming what I now know into what I now do. Pray for a sistah lol :)
This isn't a book outlining the 10 steps to fixing your husband. Instead it speaks to wives about how to allow God to change your view of marriage, and of your husband.
I highlighted the crap out this big.. lol But now here comes the real challenge: transforming what I now know into what I now do. Pray for a sistah lol :)
August 22, 2016
Gary Thomas should have titled this book "Letting Your Husband Off the Hook". The consistent premise is that it's up to wives to be the glue to hold their marriages together. How? By giving up on having their needs met and instead trying harder and harder and harder to make their husbands happy. Lower your expectations for your man and your marriage and remember that God will reward you in Heaven for your sacrifices on earth. Good luck ladies.
May 5, 2024
Your husband is imperfect? That's okay, but you should strive for perfection, because he won't try and shouldn't try unless you do. Quote from the book "Men don't want to put gas into a car they aren't going to buy."
Your husband is angry. Have you'd tried being a happier wife so he doesn't get so mad at you?
Take Interest in your husband's hobbies, life and skills, but don't expect the same in return because you're "investing" into your marriage, they may invest the same effort back, eventually, but don't expect it.
A "few" red flags in this book, it was written by a man to women in 2006. (Need I say more) While it does refer back to Biblical concept of respect, love and submission, this book has taken it way out of context. I'd never recommend this books to a struggling marriage, abusive marriage, or let's be frank, any marriage. There is probably a reason it isn't readily available on "the Amazon."
Sorry Angie, I tried to like it.
Your husband is angry. Have you'd tried being a happier wife so he doesn't get so mad at you?
Take Interest in your husband's hobbies, life and skills, but don't expect the same in return because you're "investing" into your marriage, they may invest the same effort back, eventually, but don't expect it.
A "few" red flags in this book, it was written by a man to women in 2006. (Need I say more) While it does refer back to Biblical concept of respect, love and submission, this book has taken it way out of context. I'd never recommend this books to a struggling marriage, abusive marriage, or let's be frank, any marriage. There is probably a reason it isn't readily available on "the Amazon."
Sorry Angie, I tried to like it.
November 6, 2023
This book took me a good minute to finish, but I feel so thankful that I did, I am better for it!
It is convicting and so encouraging and it bolstered my faith! I am grateful for marriages that have gone before mine to give sweet example and to glorify the Lord in all their mess and trial. I believe I can be a better wife because of the stories and wisdom in these pages. Would 100% recommend to any wife ever haha.
“Their marriage was marked by the strong bonds of covenantal friendship as well as the emotional bonds of love.”
“How will you face disappointment with your husband? Will you allow a toxic mixture of bitterness, resentment, and anger to slowly poison your home, or will you choose to walk in forgiveness and in reliance on God and focus on loving you husband instead of worrying about whether you’re being adequately loved?” (oof)
It is convicting and so encouraging and it bolstered my faith! I am grateful for marriages that have gone before mine to give sweet example and to glorify the Lord in all their mess and trial. I believe I can be a better wife because of the stories and wisdom in these pages. Would 100% recommend to any wife ever haha.
“Their marriage was marked by the strong bonds of covenantal friendship as well as the emotional bonds of love.”
“How will you face disappointment with your husband? Will you allow a toxic mixture of bitterness, resentment, and anger to slowly poison your home, or will you choose to walk in forgiveness and in reliance on God and focus on loving you husband instead of worrying about whether you’re being adequately loved?” (oof)
November 22, 2023
Something I didn’t realize beforehand is that this book applies most to those who are in a marriage where they feel their husband is distant or they feel their marriage is unhealthy.
Overall the book gave great advice about appreciating your husband, but it’s not the most necessary “pre marriage” read.
Overall the book gave great advice about appreciating your husband, but it’s not the most necessary “pre marriage” read.
September 21, 2022
I was very encouraged by this book. The reason I did not give it the full 5 stars is because, especially at the beginning of the book, the author assumed that the reader has a particularly difficult husband/miserable marriage. I understand every marriage has its difficult seasons but it doesn't mean that every husband is awful or that every marriage is horrible.
Gary Thomas had a good balance of suggestions for work on my own heart and practical, gentle steps to love my husband better. Much of the wisdom shared in this book is something I wish I would have read/known about earlier in marriage.
Gary Thomas had a good balance of suggestions for work on my own heart and practical, gentle steps to love my husband better. Much of the wisdom shared in this book is something I wish I would have read/known about earlier in marriage.
Read
January 6, 2025Tidbits to ponder:
Developing new skills may not change your spouse but it will certainly change you and you are so important to God and loved by God that a changed you is a very beautiful gift to give to the world.
Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. They very effectively groom our affections.
What we think about directly affects our emotions.
If your expectations are out of control, your beef may not be with your husband; it may be with the One who created marriage. When you ask more of your marriage than God designed it to give, you’re going to live with deep and pervasive disappointment.
1 Sam 10:26
Here’s a spiritual trick:
Focus your expectations of what you expect of your husband to what your God expects of you.
Feel free to say: “This stinks” but then add “and Lord, how would you like me to respond in the face of its stinks?”
A yielding, surrendered attitude may not make the cross soft, but it will make it sweeter…
So many look at the cross as their enemy, instead of as their truest friend.
Patricia: “in the end, Nothing makes us feel as good as does obedience to Him.”
Harmony, joy, and peace, will never grace a home ruled by expectations instead of by the cross.
“Make an exhaustive inventory of what you want to stay the same [about your husband]. Thank God & your husband for those things.”
“How can I help my husband today?”
The call to help your husband never goes away.
You are most vulnerable to sin when you are sinned against.
Become spiritually grounded so that you can respond out of reverence to Christ.
Developing new skills may not change your spouse but it will certainly change you and you are so important to God and loved by God that a changed you is a very beautiful gift to give to the world.
Prayers of thankfulness literally form our soul. They very effectively groom our affections.
What we think about directly affects our emotions.
If your expectations are out of control, your beef may not be with your husband; it may be with the One who created marriage. When you ask more of your marriage than God designed it to give, you’re going to live with deep and pervasive disappointment.
1 Sam 10:26
Here’s a spiritual trick:
Focus your expectations of what you expect of your husband to what your God expects of you.
Feel free to say: “This stinks” but then add “and Lord, how would you like me to respond in the face of its stinks?”
A yielding, surrendered attitude may not make the cross soft, but it will make it sweeter…
So many look at the cross as their enemy, instead of as their truest friend.
Patricia: “in the end, Nothing makes us feel as good as does obedience to Him.”
Harmony, joy, and peace, will never grace a home ruled by expectations instead of by the cross.
“Make an exhaustive inventory of what you want to stay the same [about your husband]. Thank God & your husband for those things.”
“How can I help my husband today?”
The call to help your husband never goes away.
You are most vulnerable to sin when you are sinned against.
Become spiritually grounded so that you can respond out of reverence to Christ.
January 20, 2022
I’ll start by saying I read Gary Thomas’s book Sacred Marriage and found it helpful. Because of that, my husband got me this book and thought I’d like it just as much, so I read it. Otherwise, I never would have picked out a book on “how to influence your husband.” The subtitle screams “manipulative” to me.
This book had some redeeming parts to it, but overall I did not like the manipulative undertones of the book (influence can easily turn into manipulation because of our fallen nature). There also seemed to be a lot of flip-flopping back and forth between his stance on wives needing to be longsuffering helpers to their husbands and not putting up with the husband’s sinful behavior. Almost like it was two separate books in one. Overall, as a marriage book, I felt it was pretty shallow. There is a much grander, Christ-exalting biblical view of marriage that I felt was missing from this book, and for that reason, I think this book is more self-help-ish than I like. Some helpful parts, but ultimately I would not recommend this book.
This book had some redeeming parts to it, but overall I did not like the manipulative undertones of the book (influence can easily turn into manipulation because of our fallen nature). There also seemed to be a lot of flip-flopping back and forth between his stance on wives needing to be longsuffering helpers to their husbands and not putting up with the husband’s sinful behavior. Almost like it was two separate books in one. Overall, as a marriage book, I felt it was pretty shallow. There is a much grander, Christ-exalting biblical view of marriage that I felt was missing from this book, and for that reason, I think this book is more self-help-ish than I like. Some helpful parts, but ultimately I would not recommend this book.
January 31, 2022
I will never finish this book. It’s been sitting in my currently reading file for 5 years. I give up. Do I agree with the underlying premise that as followers of Christ we are called to have a servants heart, turning the other cheek, and showing abundant grace and forgiveness. Absolutely. This is true in every relationship in our lives. I do this because have the example of Christ.
I found reading numerous pages on how the success of my marriage is dependent on my trying harder or altering my behaviour really frustrating. Maybe someone else would find these very culturally specific scenarios and examples helpful, but it didn’t sit well with me. If you find it helpful, great! I feel like when I am walking close with God and I am really focused on His person my character and will is naturally molded. I want to be a force for good in my husbands life but in reality I’m not in control of him. (I do have a lovely husband btw)
I found reading numerous pages on how the success of my marriage is dependent on my trying harder or altering my behaviour really frustrating. Maybe someone else would find these very culturally specific scenarios and examples helpful, but it didn’t sit well with me. If you find it helpful, great! I feel like when I am walking close with God and I am really focused on His person my character and will is naturally molded. I want to be a force for good in my husbands life but in reality I’m not in control of him. (I do have a lovely husband btw)
January 14, 2025
The book Sacred Marriage primarily focuses on the responsibilities of the husband, this book focuses of the responsibilities of a wife in marriage. The chapters are both challenging and encouraging and keep the focus of becoming like Christ as a main purpose of marriage. I plan to reread this book, at least every other year.
May 2, 2019
Biblical, convicting, practical, and balanced.
July 10, 2024
There a few sentences that I will use in my marriage. The whole time I was reading this book, I just kept thinking I feel bad for this authors wife…
February 23, 2025
So there was some challenging and practical stuff. But I didn't like the book. First off, the audio book is very difficult to listen to because the author is overly enthusiastic, and I felt like he was shouting at me half the time. Secondly, I do not like the way the book seems to portray men as a little dumb and needing our guidance( but yet, we are cautioned against mothering them). And his view of men's moral purity and the role the woman plays in keeping him spiritually on track( by meeting his sexual needs), is when I stopped reading the book. He places too much emphasis on the woman being responsible for who He is as a man and whether or not he is successful. Yes, we do have an impact on our spouses, I just don't like how it feels like too much responsibility is placed on the woman.
March 25, 2024
Okay I was skeptical about this one..a book about how to love your man written by..a man? But wow actually SO GOOD and incredibly helpful. Written with a tenderness and understanding towards the female but such a helpful perspective coming from a man’s point of view. Re-shaped my thoughts about a lot of things and I find myself thinking of things I learned in this book every day!
Also disclaimer: love my husband and he rocks but we can all learn how to ~love~ and ~understand~ them better am I right
Also disclaimer: love my husband and he rocks but we can all learn how to ~love~ and ~understand~ them better am I right
March 18, 2024
Really hard to listen to but maybe that’s means I needed it. My pride sometimes wants to demand we hold men to a higher standard then set in a lot of Christian books to women but then I know I’m not reading any of the books written to men. The call to wives to cover, give grace and “love well” to mediocre men is hard for meeee. Nothing to do with my own husband.
August 30, 2024
I’d give this a 5 if it was just the first two parts and then a nice wrap up. But, that’s because my husband doesn’t have the struggles in part 3 that he goes into depth on. So I’d recommend this book for the first 10 or so chapters and I may even go back to them regularly as a reminder for how to depend first on God to meet my needs and a reminder to pray to see my husband the way God sees him.
May 24, 2017
This book opened up my eyes to a lot but ultimately led me back to the Word of God to understand my position as my husbands helper, encourager, influencer,motivator,lover... it also helped me understand the differences between the male and female mind and so much more. Read it Family and friends even if your not married to get knowledge and understanding of how God intended marriage to be.
November 15, 2019
I'm not married so I can't actually speak to the effectiveness of this book, but it seems like a good one. Even if you've got a great marriage, I think you could probably take some valuable lessons about the differences between men and women and how to better communicate with your husband. It was also very convicting that I need to work on my own sanctification first and foremost.
November 11, 2024
This book is so beautifully written. It is a great tool in teaching how to love our husbands well when a sin filled world makes it hard. Definitely recommend.
March 21, 2025
This was definitely a heavy read, but I believe it has beneficial content for women in marriages with men who are not quite where they could be spiritually. It also has quite a bit of helpful content for women in abusive relationships and helpful information for women with friends in abusive relationships. I do think the chapter on how men’s minds work was incredibly insightful and beneficial for any wife to read.
November 16, 2023
This is a must-read for wives who want to better understand their husbands. I like that it's written by a man so he can explain how the male brain works and give practical ways to speak to your husband's heart. He also encourages women who live with hard to live with husbands and gives advice on how to love them well without encouraging their negative behavior.
June 22, 2024
This is a quality book on marriage, especially from the wife’s perspective (things we can do, consider, etc.). It had good foundations in the first sections, and practical topics to explore in the final chapters. Even 16 years into my marriage, I gleaned a lot from this. I also was privileged to do this book in a group Bible study setting, which allowed for some deep and well-rounded conversation (more than I would have gained on my own). This is a book that I’d consider returning to for advice, and I have purchased it as a gift for others.
July 20, 2017
This book was a great read. I learned so many things about men and women, the differences on how God created us. I hope to influence and shape the soul of my husband for the Lord. I would highly recommend this book to all married women who complain about their husbands.
Love is unconditional and it is not earned but given freely. Martial love is sacrifice and worth it.
Love is unconditional and it is not earned but given freely. Martial love is sacrifice and worth it.
April 1, 2014
Another in the seemingly-trademarked-array of "Sacred" books, this one focuses on how wives can influence their husbands. The first section emphasizes one's identity in Christ and reminds the reader to seek fulfillment in Christ, not in one's husband. The second section covers the way men think, the importance of marriage, and the most effective ways to communicate with and understand one's husband ("your man"--yes, he uses that term!). The third section gives some specific situations in which wives can impact their husbands: angry husbands, busy husbands, straying husbands, unsaved husbands, etc.
This book would be very helpful to wives dealing with those specific situations, but all married women would benefit from the first two sections, especially the sections that give insight into the male mind.
This book would be very helpful to wives dealing with those specific situations, but all married women would benefit from the first two sections, especially the sections that give insight into the male mind.
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