A Forever Family: Fostering Change One Child at a Time

by Rob Scheer, Jon Sternfeld (Primary Contributor)

In the tradition of The Promise of a Pencil and Kisses from Katie comes an inspirational memoir by the founder of Comfort Cases about his turbulent childhood in the foster care system and the countless obstacles and discrimination he endured in adopting his four children.

Rob Scheer never thought that he would be living the life he is now. He’s happily married to his partner and love of his life, he’s the father of four beautiful children, and he’s the founder of an organization that makes life better for thousands of children in the foster care system.

But life wasn’t always like this.

Growing up in an abusive household before his placement in foster care, Rob had all the odds stacked against him. Kicked out of his foster family’s home within weeks after turning eighteen—with a year left of high school to go—he had to resort to sleeping in his car and in public bathrooms. He suffered from drug addiction and battled with depression, never knowing when his next meal would be or where he would sleep at night. But by true perseverance, he was able to find his own path and achieve his wildest dreams.

Poignant, gripping and inspiring, Rob’s story provides a glimpse into what it’s like to grow up in the foster care system, and sheds necessary light on the children who are often treated without dignity. Both a timely call to action and a courageous and candid account of life in the foster care system, A Forever Family ultimately leaves you with one message: one person can make a difference.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, LGBT, Audiobook, Adoption, Biography, Parenting

320 pages, Hardcover

Published November 6, 2018

Reviews

[Tory · Rating 5 out of 5]

A truly inspirational read.

"A Forever Family" is Rob Scheer's story of how he grew up in the foster care system, then went through the system to foster and adopt his children with his husband, Reece. Scheer's writing style is conversational, as though you are sitting across the table from him, listening to him tell you how he got to where he is today. The chapters alternate between Scheer's childhood and the process he went through to foster and adopt his children. Some of it was difficult to read --- particularly about the abuse and neglect that he (and his children, before they came to him) suffered and the cumbersome bureaucracy of the foster care system -- but the difficult passages are outweighed by the love and commitment shared by Scheer, his husband, and their four children, and their refusal to give up. It is particularly inspiring that Scheer did not let his childhood negatively affect his desire to raise children and be a good father --- in fact, his experiences did just the opposite, as they drove him to provide for his children what he so wanted as a child of abuse and neglect. A strong point of this book is that instead of just pointing out problems, Scheer provides specific ways that readers can get involved to help children in foster care. Highly recommended!

I received a copy of this book from Gallery Books, Simon & Schuster, through a Goodreads giveaway. Thank you, S & S and Goodreads!

[Michelle Hawkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Growing up with abuse from family, the foster care system, and then adult relationships, Rob was determined to break the cycle. He found and married the love of his life, Reece, and together they adopted four incredible children from the foster care system. But having everything he ever wanted wasn’t enough, Rob set out to make things better for all children entering the system. He founded a charity called Comfort Cases to provide children in foster care with their own backpack with items such as a blanket, new pajamas, a book, toiletries, etc. so they would not have to carry their belongings in trash bags, as he did when he entered the foster care system, and as his children did when they arrived at his home for the first time. Rob is a doer and leads by example. He is an inspiration to us all.

[Suzie Friedman · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful and authentic book! I began the book yesterday morning and was so captivated that I didn't put it down until I finished it. Mr. Scheer provides such an honest and courageous account of his life experiences and the way in which they inform his choices and passion to help others. If you are not familiar with his organization, Comfort Cases, check it out. You, too, will be inspired!

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read, but an important one. Rob’s stories of childhood abuse, though not graphic, are unnerving for someone who took growing up in a safe, comfortable, loving home for granted. Rob’s transformation to an adoptive father of four and advocate for children in foster care is truly inspiring. There is a huge shortage of families willing to foster the kids who need their love and support the most. I hope stories like Rob’s will spur more people to consider what they have to give to foster children.

[Samantha Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Terrific Read!!

First off, it is hard to get through the book without crying. Rob, your story is truly inspiring. It was my pleasure to recommend your organization for a grant a year ago. I love what Comfort Cases and you are doing for the children in our communities. We need more people like you in the world that can do good. Thank you!

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very powerful book and I'd recommend it for anyone who wants to be a foster parent or wants to understand the circumstances of foster children and foster parents from the "inside".

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book in the goodreads giveaways. Rob Scheer writes about his life growing up in a dysfunctional family and ending up In foster care. His childhood drives him to make a difference. His partner Reese decide to be foster parents. They start out with a brother and sister and soon add two brothers to the family. Eventually they adopt all four children. This is their story of what they went through to become a family. Being loving dads to kids who would have ended up in the system.
In the last few years they started an organization called " Comfort Cases" a program that puts back packs together with new pajamas, toothbrushes, toothpastes,, soap. a book etc for kids who are going into the foster system. I very much enjoyed this wonderful book. I like reading books about people who make a difference.

[Sarah Nault · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a Foster Care Social Worker, I thought this book did an excellent job portraying many of the struggles I see my foster parents and children face. It was also interesting to see differences in DC court system. This book was also a great reminder of how social workers can treat children in care.
Highly recommend if you want to learn more about foster care and a personal experience of a foster youth who become an foster parent.

[Gretchen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened on audiobook. My son was very excited to hear Rob Scheer speak at his school about his non-profit Comfort Cases and so I was interested in also hearing his story as he’s local to me. It covers Rob’s life growing up as a foster child, adopting four children as gay white men, and then finally how his charity came to be. Worth the listen.

[Brian Crawford · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a well written book of the adversities the author, Rob, faced in the foster system.

[Hillary Luba · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful sorry and book.

I laughed, cried and learned many things about the foster system and adoption process.

[Bev · Rating 5 out of 5]

fav quotes:
"Family is not something that you fall into.. it is something you choose. You choose to be in someone's life or you choose not to. You make the effort or you don't. It's not about blood or proximity or race or anything like that. It's about what's in your heart."

"... hating [my biological parents] gave them this power - over what my life was and over what it was going to be... my hate did nothing but keep them in control. I try to teach our children there should never be room for hate in their hearts. Life is about moving on and not letting hate or anger eat at you and spread into the rest of your life. Forgiveness is about being free... Forgiveness isn't really about the other person. It's about letting go and not letting the memories pollute you like poison. It's about letting go and not letting that toxicity spread and cause damage, not just to you but to those you come in contact with."

"We have to eliminate trash bags from foster care. It's unconscionable that there are children who have to carry their things from place to place in garbage bags: the demeaning message is sends, the dignity it diminishes, the self esteem it dampens, and the instability it conveys are simply not acceptable."

"Though I work as an activist and an advocate, I believe strongly in personal responsibility. I don't think it's a contradiction to have an open heart and also carry a belief that we all have choices. The system is shattered and we need to fix it, but it's up to each person to make the right choices. As a society and as individuals, we can do something."

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unbelievable! This man spoke at a fundraiser held in our local community and I, along with many of the women there were so moved by his story.
This is an amazing book and one that I highly recommend. Just be pre-warned. A lot of emotion is packed in 289 pages. Have tissues available. ❤️

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Forever Family: Fostering Change One Child at a Time by Rob Scheer tells his story. Rob grew up in an abusive home, was placed into the foster care system and, to his credit, somehow beat the odds by overcoming the scars the system placed on both his body and soul to become a happy, loving, contributing adult. It definitely was not an easy journey. This book is raw, unflinching in its honesty, and inspirational in turn as Rob tells of his youth, his adult relationships, and his desire for a family of his own.

He shares an insider's view of the current foster-care system both as a foster-child and the impact that has had on his life, and as an adult wanting to foster children. Both views are eye-opening and heart-wrenching.

Rob (and his husband Reece) fostered 2 sets of young African-American siblings prior to adopting all four of them. Their hopes, dreams, struggles and joys are openly shared, and their abiding love for their children is obvious. Not content to let things rest once Rob had the family he always wanted, he went on to become an advocate for change within the foster-care system and started a charity called Comfort Cases.

"Family is not something that you fall into or that is thrust upon you. It is something you choose. You choose to be in someone's life or you choose not to be. You make the effort or you don't. It's not about blood or proximity or race or anything like that. It's about what's in your heart."

It was a privilege to read this man's/couple's story. Many thanks to NetGalley and Jeter Publishing for allowing me to read a review copy of this book in exchange for an unbiased review.

[Eliza Crosby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely incredible story. Could not put this book down.

[Stefanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Truly inspirational. Scheer tells his personal story as both a child and a parent in the foster care system. Scheer's book is a call for change. Already fostering and then adopting two sets of siblings with his husband, they then found Comfort Care providing backpacks filled with new personal items for children moving around in foster care. Many times this book is hard to read. That's kind of the point, but there are triggers galore of sever mistreatment of children.

2019 Read Harder Challenge "A book published prior to Jan 1, 2019 with fewer than 100 reviews on GR"

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

How did the author learn to love as much as he does after having gone through what he has? I am blown away by his example, his thoughtfulness, his giving, his heart.... There is no way that the children he & his partner have can grow up to be anything but special, active members of society.

[Tory · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a foster parent, I love reading stories about other foster families. Some of the complexities are universal, some unique. I wonder how I’d feel reading the book if I disagreed with Scheer on more issues and or if I were the kids’ biological families. I’ll still recommend it to folks interested in foster care.

[Juliebrown · Rating 5 out of 5]

I do not give five stars easily, but this is one of the most important books a person could read. I dedicate it to most of the minors unaccompanied i have known during my last decade as an educator.
They truly deserved better foster families, but i know they will become happy parents if they so choose! Kudos to Rob and Reese.

[Kyja Wilburn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Engagingly written, but once I started reading more perspectives of adult adoptees ( the writer is one as well as an adoptive parent), I felt more uncomfortable with level of others' personal information that's disclosed and the legal battle for parental rights.

[Tyler Burnham · Rating 2 out of 5]

A forever family: fostering change one child at a time - I've read a number of fostering memoirs and I'm past the point of not knowing much about the process and a book like this feeling inspirational just through this year act of fostering and then adopting a child. I'm really conflicted about this presentation of fostering and adoption through this book. I feel like despite a valiant attempt to frame themselves as heroes in this story I think there's a much darker side that's not being talked about. 


The basic plot is he and his husband adopt for young children. They ultimately receive a good amount of pushback but despite it all to end up adopting all four of the kids.


There's a certain type of foster parent that gets pressured into taking more kids than they're able because they have a hero complex. Like there's not enough other foster parents out there so I am this child's last Hope. I think the author of this book has this problem. In taking four kids all of the people surrounding him tell him that it's a really bad idea and he completely ignores it. He jumps in making this decision without his partners consent. Having more then two kids under 2 years old is a lot of very young children. Could they and did they handle it probably but is that the best situation for the kids not necessarily.


This author clearly has a victim complex. He talks a lot about the abuse he suffered growing up and it sounds pretty terrible. However any hardship he faces he frames it as everyone attacking him because of his sexual orientation or his skin color. It's possible that those things are true that they were being homophobic but the way it's presented in the book it reads like he's just being defensive whenever anyone brings up valid criticism about their readiness to raise four transracially adopted children.


There is a spectrum within the foster care world with one side that says kids should always remain with their biological parents and the other side advocates for more rights to foster parents and shorter waiting periods or harsher rulings. This author is very much in the latter camp. Well I think there is some truth and abdicating for some window of time in which children should move from open-ended reunification to eventual adoption. I think this book is a little bit dated and some of those changes has happened. This author takes it much further than that and some of his recommendations feel kind of gross. Foster parents should not deserve parental rights as they aren't the kids parents especially after unification. He says the children should have more say in the system but the children he adopted were like 2 years old. Of course they would fight for their foster parents that's all they've really known. But that doesn't make them your child. Children end up in the Foster system generally due to systems of inequality like poverty or drug addiction. There's a long history in this country of separating black children from the families and giving them to more wealthy white parents. This is a system that has been set up for people to fail. It seems really tone deaf to say just because this child was placed in my custody it's now my child. It ignores the systemic racism and white supremacy that has existed in this country for a long time.


This whole book left me with a pretty bad feeling overall. The author pays some amount of lip service to reunification. He cites that the mother didn't make many of the visits. He also cites that the mother while there seemed checked out. That second claim seems a lot harder and more insidious. It's pretty hard to tell what someone else is going through in their head and the claim they don't deserve their child because they're not as bubbly emotionally in that moment feels pretty wrong. The details of the court case in this book are all over the place. He frames himself as a victim and the lawyers are attacking him because of his sexuality and his skin color. He even says that after the court case they have to escort them out because the whole family is saying that they stole her children. They also managed to adopt these children in a time period of like less than 2 years which especially without the laws in place seems a pretty short time window for adoption especially if kids so young and with parents who are actively fighting to keep rights. They did this by hiring an expensive lawyer and bringing an experts on bonding. These are resources that the biological family could not have had. 


This book did not do a good job in convincing me that the author did not steal these kids from this family. The author does not seem to reflect at all on his place and what's ultimately an unjust system.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Before Rob Scheer met his wonderful husband, he endured abuse and abandonment as a child and teenager which segued into an abusive relationship as an adult. It’s amazing that he turned out to be not only a functioning adult but a loving parent with a generous spirit.

I chose this book because my family is also transracial and my daughter was adopted through the foster care system. I like reading stories of the journeys that other foster parents and transracial families have taken. This book is that and more. It alternates between flashbacks of Rob’s heartbreaking past to his relationship with his husband Reece - the most patient man in the world - and how they came to be foster and later adoptive parents. While I wish Rob discussed more about the challenges of raising children of a different race, I enjoyed reading this book.

I think one of the reasons that Rob wrote A Forever Family was to draw awareness to Comfort Cases, the charity he founded. They provide foster children with a duffel bag or backpack filled with essentials that a child needs their first night with a foster family – toiletries, pajamas a book and more. What a great idea! Our daughter came to us with her things in garbage bags which is not uncommon and can make a child feel like garbage, like they are being thrown away. A couple of the children we fostered before our daughter came with nothing at all. At the end of the book, there is information on how to donate items to or volunteer for Comfort Cases.

A Forever Family is both heartbreaking and uplifting. Recommended.

[Clint · Rating 3 out of 5]

A touching memoir split between Schemer’s own unusually traumatic experience in foster care and his adult experience with foster children of his own. There’s a lot of tragic, messy detail in both timelines, but a lot of compelling feel-good emotion, too. He also does a great job getting into the procedural specifics of a system most people are all too glad to forget exists.

I was less impressed when Scheer offers judgmental asides aimed at other (often seemingly well-intentioned) people involved in various ways with the foster system, and was similarly skeptical of his passionate but unconvincing opinions about policy changes the flawed foster system should make.

“‘You get them. They’re your problem now.’ That message filtered down to how these kids were treated—like an errand on a list or someone else’s issue. Like a problem.”

“People were trying to figure out what these two white men were doing with four young African American kids. I didn’t feel judged so much as just looked at; I felt the intense curiosity carrying across the dining room. Like we were a puzzle to be solved.”

“…when you open yourself up, you allow things like that to happen. You give people a chance to surprise you. I always try to remember that.”

“Family is a feeling, a commitment to not let someone go through things alone. It’s a choice to reach out your hand and take someone else’s. As an adult I’ve been creating the family I want, trying to rewrite the whole idea of what a family means.”

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rob Scheer is a product of the foster care system. Abused by his biological parents and his various step-fathers, Scheer spent his formative years inside of a system that did nothing to protect innocent children. He did what he had to do to survive and became a reasonably well-adjusted man hoping for a loving family of his own some day, but never believing it was possible until he met his husband, Reece. They decided to adopt, but Reece pushed to become foster parents because they wouldn’t have to wait so long for a child. Despite completing all of the requirements to become foster parents, the couple were made wait to wait more than six months for their first foster child simply because they were two white gay men. But once they met their first foster children, Amaya and Makai, they knew they had made the right choice. Just as they were getting settled in with their first two children, Rob and Reece were asked to take in two young brothers, Greyson and Tristan, which they did even though it meant they went from just the two of them to a family of six, two of whom were under two years old, in less than a year. Over the years, the two men faced many challenges from both the kids and the system but they never wavered in their commitment to the children, and are extremely proud of their special family. Rob shares his very personal story and provides insight into the broken foster care system in his book, which should be read with a large box of tissues.

[RoF · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a free copy from Goodreads.

This book is an autobiography and since we only have the author's point of view, we need from time to time to step back and be cautious will all the explanations and comments. For instance there is not a lot of details about what could or should have been done differently during the administrative processes of the adoptions or when creating bonds with the children.
Nevertheless, the writing by Rob and his co-author looks sincere. And if Rob and his husband have been granted the honor and great responsibility of taking care of their 4 children, it is because a great deal of people considered that they deserved it.
Interwoven chapters about Rob's childhood and youth and the most recent years make this book a page turner. There is sadness and joy, anger and love, but this story avoids the typical risk of having the readers bored by unnecessary pathos. It is clear that before this book Rob had worked a lot on himself to define his future path and what would really make him happy.
Last but not least, I particularly appreciated the call to action in the last pages, with various and concrete ways to help foster children directly or indirectly.

[Leslie E. · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you don't know how Comfort Cases (a charity that gives backpacks to babies and children going into foster care) came into being, this remarkable book tells the whole story. Rob Scheer was horribly abused and was in foster care for part of his early life and, managing to survive, slowly turned his life around. And then he and his partner first became foster parents, and then finally adopted the four African-American children they had first fostered as their own. As two gay white men, they didn't have an easy time with any part of the system in ultimately bringing this about.

Comfort Cases came about because Rob had shown up at a foster care home with all of his belongings in a trash bag...and later one of the children he and his partner fostered had done the same. The backpacks are each filled with new pajamas, a new blanket, a book, toiletries, a stuffed animal and a journal (for older children) or coloring book and crayons (for the younger ones).

This is one powerful story, told simply and beautifully. I highly recommend this book.

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although it's 300 pages, it reads easily and quickly. A wonderful up to date/current read for anyone who is now or is considering providing foster care, adopting from foster care, volunteering as a CASA, or otherwise being involved with children in foster care. Like Three Little Words, the author both experienced foster care as a child and was a foster parent and adopted children from foster care - both perspectives the author is able to convey are interesting and informative.

I really enjoyed his perspective on the biological parents: "I wasn't excusing her choices - I don't believe in doing that - but those choices originated from a place that can't be ignored." Although they may not be able to provide an adequate home for their children, many of these biological parent's own childhood and life experiences have been horrific and didn't give them an experience with or preparation for adequately caring for themselves or for their children.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an inspiration. Although there were stories of horrible childhoods and experiences that some foster children experience, these were interspersed with a story that brought home the basic good in people - that remains even after such experiences - and how Rob Sheer and his family created something beautiful out of these bad situations. The book highlights the tremendous needs of children in the foster care system, entering the system, and those who have aged out of this system. I am amazed by the author’s giving heart, and the accomplishments he’s made and work he does in order to help children. I appreciated the section at the end that lists clear ways anyone can help foster children. What a great cause! Highly recommend this book!

[Katie Mannix · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS BOOK HAS CHANGED ME! What a story. I have book A.D.D. and I am usually reading multiple books simultaneously but this story had me zeroed in from the get-go. The story flip-flopped back and fourth from Robert’s tragic childhood to the process of him and his partner going through the grueling ( yet, rewarding) process of fostering and later on adopting two sets of siblings. It is really a great story of overcoming adversity and opening your heart. This man had an absolutely awful upbringing that he did not let define him. Just an amazing, inspirational read.

[Sugarrr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't expect much from this book but it surprised me !! I loved this book it touched my heart . Robs story of childhood abuse and as a child not feeling wanted or loved for many years, it absolutely broke my heart. His desire to make a home for other children who felt this way made him my hero :)
I'm glad they didn't give up and were able to give these kids a true home.
Read this book !!!!