Once You Go In: A Memoir of Radical Faith

by Carly Gelsinger

Carly Gelsinger is an awkward and lonely thirteen-year-old when she stumbles into Pine Canyon Assemblies of God, the cracked stucco church on the outskirts of her remote small town. She assimilates, despite her apprehensions, because she is desperate to belong. Soon, she is on fire for God. She speaks in tongues, slays demons, and follows her abusive pastor’s every word―and it’s not until her life is burnt to the ground that she finds the courage to leave.

Raw and illuminating, Once You Go In is a coming-of-age story about the beauty and danger of absolute faith, and the stories people tell themselves to avoid their deepest fears.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Religion, Cults, Spirituality, Christianity

245 pages, Hardcover

First published October 16, 2018

About the author

Gelsinger grew up in the wild mountains and rivers of Northern California. She holds a master's degree in journalism from Boston University and frequently speaks on writing and the creative process. She lives in the Bay Area with her husband and two small girls. This is her first book.

Reviews

[Paula DeBoard]

I read this book a few months ago, but I've resisted reviewing it... not because it's not great (it is), but because it hit home for me in more ways than I anticipated, and at a time in my life where I'm wrestling with issues from the faith of my childhood.

I'm glad this book exists, and I hope many people find it.

I also wish it existed twenty-five years ago, when its existence would have meant the world to me.

[Andrea 'Andi' · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautifully written memoir that really touched a nerve in me. As a Christian (raised Baptist), I wasn't sure how I'd feel reading this, but I was right there with the author. The way it's written made me feel like I was right there through all of her trials and tribulations, and I found myself saying, "No, don't do that!" or "Wait, think about what you're doing!" By the end, it felt like I'd gone full circle with her; I was tired, I was hopeful, I was cheering. Highly recommended. *I save 5 stars for a very, very few books that I want to be buried with!*

[Lizzy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once You Go In was nothing like what I expected, but everything I didn't know I needed. This is a tale of a young girl's journey through, and eventually out of, evangelical Christianity. Carly's beautiful writing and conversational tone had me hooked from the beginning. While I expected a story that revealed vast corruption and greed, I instead got a tender story of a young girl's journey through loneliness, heart ache, insecurity, and depression. Even though I did not grow up in a faith nearly as radical as hers, I found myself identifying with the main character...and sometimes questioning if she somehow read through my middle school journals. While we constantly hear the phrase, "you are not alone", it was through reading this book that the young girl still living inside of me finally heard it. Overall this was a gorgeous read! Highly recommend it.

[Mahsa Shahshahani · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book deeply resonated with me, evoking a range of emotions as I connected with the author's words. It brought back memories of a difficult period in my life when I was influenced by a religious teacher who had an unsettling hold over our lives. The author's account reminded me of the experience of being manipulated and brainwashed during my teenage years. This teacher exerted a hidden authority, causing me to feel unclean and burdened by a sense of sinfulness, despite being innocent in my actions as a child. The consequences of this indoctrination were severe, leading me to become physically and emotionally unwell, ultimately driving me to contemplate taking my own life. My only escape from this toxic environment was through the passage of time and the growth of wisdom. I carried the weight of this period in silence, unable to share my experiences with others. Consequently, encountering this book was an incredibly powerful and cathartic experience for me.

The author specifically addresses a Christian cult, while my personal experience relates to a Muslim cult. However, the similarities between cults are striking, as they all revolve around themes of power, abuse, and control. This realization deepened my connection with the book, as I recognized that the destructive forces at play in my own life were not isolated incidents but rather part of a larger pattern found across various cults. It served as a reminder that the damaging effects of manipulation and coercion can transcend religious or cultural boundaries. The book's ability to shed light on these shared aspects of cults, and to give voice to the victims who have endured such experiences, is truly commendable.

[Amanda Voss · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is such a captivating story about faith and triumph over fear. It’s a compassionate and gripping telling of a girls grasp on faith and how a horrible tragedy leads her back to faith. It’s a real interesting story to read and it leaves you wanting to read it until the very end. You cannot put it down. Carly does a great story telling of her own ordeals and it’s just a fabulous read.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

It always feels kinda weird to rate memoirs, so I'll explain why this one is a 3.5 to me-

Carly's experience was VERY similar to the charismatic/messianic church I attended in my tween/teen years (crazier in some ways, and less crazy in others) so it was really interesting to hear her stories and spot the similarities. A lot of the language used, manipulation tactics, and even the way she transcribed speaking in tongues sounded Exactly like what I experienced- so the book helped me unpack a lot of spicy memories (read: trauma).

I felt like the book didn't go into a lot about how she Felt about what was going on, which I kind of understand because when I talk about my religious upbringing I tend to go about it in an almost anthropological way in order to not get panicky, but it made the book feel a little impersonal.

Also, I feel like she didn't quite know how to wrap things up- so the ending was pretty quick and out of nowhere and once again, didn't include very much personal reflection or unpacking.

[Abigail Franklin · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you thought I was annoying about “Believing Will Never Come Easy Again,” you can’t even imagine how annoying I will be about this whole book.

Was the prose groundbreaking? No, but the voice was honest and compelling. I gasped, I laughed, I murmured pity, I cried. I am so grateful for this book. I needed it.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book hit home for me in so many ways. I even did the same "Masks" skit on a mission trip as she references in the book. The book itself was engaging and well written, but even beyond that, the subject matter was so raw and real for me. It really struck a chord. It's reassuring to know there are other people out there who had similar experiences to me, still dealing with the repurcussions and trying to unlearn the bad and keep the good.

[Jean Huber Bookmama789 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Carly Gelsinger’s Once You Go In: A Memoir of Radical Faith was a whole lot more than I bargained for when I began reading this next stop in the BookSparks #MagicOfMemoir blog tour. Carly’s tale or joining, growing up in and finally leaving the Pine Canyon Assembly Of God Church is like watching a car crash in slow motion, and then being able to watch it all go back to the way it was in reverse.
As an impressionable preteen Carly joined the local Assembly of God Church. At first the kind of faith and prayer being practiced there scared Carly, but she wanted badly to belong and to know why she wasn’t able to connect with God the way the other teenagers within the church were. Throughout the book you see Carly fall deeper and deeper in to the mental abuse and cult mentality that the church and youth group Carly belonged to thrived on. Carly continues down this path even when it hurts herself and her family because in many ways she just can’t understand how to live without it until she comes to a breaking point and sees for the first time just how much danger she is in. This isn’t normal faith. This wasn’t faith at all. What Carly was subjected to was abuse.
The remainder of Carly’s story is very relatable even if you haven’t dealt with radical faith, and that is how you find your way back to faith in any form after you lose it or have extreme doubts. As an adult Carly is very slow to trust any organized religion again and to feel comfortable in a faith setting because of the trauma of her youth inside the Assembly Of God Church. She has to confront a lot of the events she suppressed and deal with the emotions of anger and grief that follow before she can go into another situation and trust that she won’t be hurt again. It was a very powerful testament to the type of person Carly was all along that even after all she had been through she was willing to give religion of any kind another chance.
Overall this was a very powerful read. It was in no way an easy book to read because often the content was uncomfortable or even enraging. It is hard to judge a book when it is dealing with people’s religious beliefs, but as I said before in this instance this crossed over from church to cult. I am in no way saying every church within The Assembly Of God is on this level but I also can not say that isn’t true. I have never been a member, my personal experience with members has not been what I would call encouraging and then mixed with this book, that is how I am forming my opinion currently. I definitely believe reading books and memoirs like this are important to build awareness and also empathy.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

There isn’t anything all that unusual in the overall story if you’ve had exposure to evangelicals (a non-church, non-church-group event is actually the most interesting IMO - vague to avoid spoilers), but there are individual descriptions along the way that are incredibly well written. I wanted to keep reading, and that’s been hard to come by in this stuck-at-home life.

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think "Once You Go In" is an example that just because your life experiences have been a little outside the norm doesn't mean you should necessarily write a memoir. Evangelical Christians are interesting because they're so extreme, so it would seem like Gelsinger's book would be filled with crazy tales. However, I felt like I spent the entire book waiting for something to happen. Even the way Gelsinger got indoctrinated into the church isn't particularly suspenseful - she simply started attending a new church as a teenager, and then eventually decided to follow their behaviors (speaking in tongues, trying to convert others), even if it didn't seem as though she actually believed any of the doctrines. I think these types of memoirs are fascinating when a person has to unlearn hardcore beliefs that go against what's typical in society. Gelsinger doesn't spend too much time exploring any deprogramming that takes place. The book jumps quite quickly from her leaving the church and getting married - the abruptness made me feel like she wasn't that enmeshed in the religion after all. I do see that there are lots of positive reviews on Goodreads, so maybe I just couldn't connect to this as well as other people who are more religious perhaps. It's brave for any writer to share their personal history, but this book was just too slow and uneventful for me to get behind.

*Free ARC provided by Netgalley and She Writes Press in exchange for an honest review*

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carly Gelsinger's journey through and out of evangelical Christianity is very powerful. If you've never understood radical religion, her experiences will take you there and show you why it appealed to her as a teen. If you have left conservative or evangelical Christianity you will see parts of your own story reflected in hers. She has a gift for making the complicated personal and clear. I'm so glad to have read this book!

[Macy Rodriguez · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was pleasantly surprised to find myself so invested in the characters of this memoir. This was a great read about a "crazy for Jesus" teenager & her life inside her religious "cult".

The verbage at the beginning of the book had me a little put off. I felt as if I was reading straight out of Carly's 7th grade journal. I completely understand this is a memoir and the author purposely did this to convey her adolescent thinking. However as a reader, you either really enjoy this writing style or you don't, with myself being the latter.

I appreciate the author being raw with her feelings & questionings -that plagued her from the moment she was first introduced to this group. At times I felt as though I could almost feel the energy seeping out that small church of "radical, Jesus-Loving "freaks" . It felt real.

The small-town girl in me is left with questions...... What happened to Jessa & Jacob? What events led to Lauren's fallout with the group? Would love to know more about Dahlia's personal story during the 10 years y'all were separated.

Thank you for sharing your story, it unfolded into an interesting & thought provoking read.

[Tori Schoen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Another book club book, which is the only reason I finished. Pretty boring, actually, and maybe she should have had someone else tell her story, because she did not make me understand why she even joined the church or became so radical in her beliefs. She does not give a sense of overwhelming acceptance or inclusion or seduction or any reason why she devoted so much time to this church; she probably felt that way, but she didn't convey it to me.

[Cara Meredith · Rating 4 out of 5]

A powerful, beautiful spiritual memoir that’s bound to paint a new picture of revival, a thousand times over.

[Debi Stout · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rating 3.5 stars!
Every now and again, BookSparks has what they call a PopUp Blog Tour where they provide a book for bloggers to read and review.  It's a random tour that, well, pops up. When I saw this book popping up (sorry to keep using that phrase), I was curious but also concerned that I might not be able to feel comfortable reading this book being a Christian. Turns out, everything was just fine.

Once You Go In is actually a very well-written story about breaking the chains of a hostile church and finding your own truth. 

We learn about young Carly Gelsinger from the time she steps into a church for the first time, to joining a radical Pentacostal church, Pine Canyon Assemblies of God Church, as a teenager.  Carly shares how she starts to feel like she is finally accepted for who she is and the church helps her feel like she has purpose in life. Carly begins to feel God speaking to her and through her.  Carly is pulled into the church and goes through so much there, all at the same time she is struggling depression and other mental health issues she didn't even realize she had.  

Over time, though, Carly loses the feelings of belonging and love, and instead feels "less than" or not good enough and attacked.  She actually feels manipulated, and ultimately, Carly she finds the courage and strength to get out and leave the church.

I appreciated Carly sharing her own story in her own words.  She didn't "trash" the church particularly, she only spoke about how she felt in it and how she experienced things there and how it didn't work in her life.  I don't write spoilers, but I will say that the ending to this book is honestly very redemptive and I am happy for Carly that she has a new and happy life with her family.

I received a complimentary paperback copy of this book from the publishers as part of a PopUp Blog Tour from BookSparks in exchange for this post.  A positive review was not required.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Carly joins a Pentecostal church as a teenager, and once she gets past her initial apprehension, she is consumed by the extremist group for years. She is discouraged from listening to secular music or dressing immodestly, and spends enormous amounts of time praying and speaking in tongues.

At one point, when her mom accuses her of being brainwashed, Carly retorts "Do you know how long I've had to pray against your generational sin just to stay alive? You are demonic."

Carly eventually manages to leave the group and drift away from the rigid beliefs she once held.

"I wish I had a dramatic religious escape story, but the truth is my escape involved little choices each day that didn't seem like anything until they were strung together by the days and weeks and months and years."

She also discovers that the abusive nature of her former church plagues a lot of organized religion.

"Before this, I thought Pastor Frank was an anomaly in the way he abused his power. I thought maybe it was the denomination-the Pentecostal way of idolizing leaders. Or I thought it was the demographics-the blue-collar, isolated town in the mountains that made it possible. But the same stuff was happening in this nondenominational, highly funded church plant on the wealthier side of a wealthy suburb. It's everywhere, I realized. In rich churches and poor churches, in hick towns and cosmopolitan cities, in Pentecostal churches and Catholic churches, in mega-churches and home churches. It's all the same. It's all about control. It's all about manipulation. I wanted nothing to do with it anymore."

Definitely a good memoir. A few inconsistencies with the timeline (on one page she's driving to church because she just turned 16 and got her license, and once she gets there she's wondering whether someone knows she's only 15, etc.) but I guess that happens when you blend and condense events for the sake of writing a memoir, and maybe it'll get fixed in a later edition.

[Amanda Stoddard Rowan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was written by the friend of a friend. I was a little wary of it initially because I don't always trust the quality of books that have been published by indie publishing houses on a small scale to a small audience and which I only know about through a personal connection. That said, this book was better than I thought it would be. It was well written and despite the sometimes bizarre nature of the author's experiences in "radical" Pentecostal Christianity growing up in a small town in Northern California, she comes across as well-adjusted, with keen insights and a way of boiling down complicated experiences into single sentence interpretations that still felt authentic and true.

As a teenager, Carly made an effort to assimilate into a community that worshipped in ways that are foreign to me: speaking in tongues, spiritual possession, praying over other people, and extreme proselytizing. I wished there had been more about the author's relationships with her family. Her parents in particular seemed on the outside this way of life and worship, and I wondered about their experience as their children became more involved. There is one small scene involving Carly's mother expressing resistance.

Though there may have been some gaps and questions I had, I appreciated the journey she related nonetheless. It's a hopeful and optimistic narrative overall, and she doesn't seem to grapple with the pain and dissonance that she must've had leaving her adopted church home. She seems to come to a place where she can appreciate and be comfortable in her life and spirituality despite meandering off the "strait and narrow" and leaving her faith tradition. These kinds of faith evolution narratives are fascinating to me, because there's a lot of commonality across religions. It makes me question the line between extreme/radical religion and more run-of-the-mill institutions.

[Kat (whatskatreading) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A huge thank you to #Netgalley and She Writes Press for this copy of "Once You Go In" in exchange for my honest review.

A very well-written story about breaking the chains of a hostile church and finding one's truth.

Carly Gelsinger is a dedicated young woman "ON FIRE" for Jesus. When she joins Pine Canyon Church, a radically Pentecostal church, she begins to experience a feeling of acceptance and purpose. She feels God speaking to her, through her, around her. Carly feels that she has found where she belongs. Over the years, the speaking in tongues, the thrashing convulsions of faith and moments of enlightenment, no longer come to her in a form of acceptance and love. Instead, she is constantly feeling criticized, not good enough, attacked, and even manipulated.

What I particularly enjoyed about Gelsinger's writing is that she never insulted or spoke negatively about Pine Canyon church or any of the affiliated organizations in which she encountered this radical faith. Instead, she wrote in such a way that explains to the reader "This is what I believed in, this is how I experienced it, this is why I believed in it, and this is how I realized it wasn't good for me." It was a very intriguing read, because there is so much more that people don't understand about the ones who are so devoted to radical churches such as Pine Canyon. Gelsinger explains everything in her own experience. From the moment when she was a girl stepping into the church for the first time, to being a young woman in college, dealing with heartache and social acceptance, she speaks her truth and does it very well.

Truly enjoyed this one.

[Margaret · Rating 5 out of 5]

"My fire for God changed me, and while I never want to go back, I can see hope is leading the way to something new. It has led me to the slow growth of faith, of small shoots of life pushing up from dead stumps, of expansive views of hope I may never have seen otherwise. And I know it's not over, not in the least. New life will emerge as old life ebbs away, and droughts and storms will keep coming and changing the earth. This is the beauty of it all. I will keep questioning and thanking and running and falling and searching and rebuilding, because this is the process of being alive. Revival is here, in this land and inside me, and has been here all along, taking decay and turning it and churning it to create life."

This book is one that I will go back to often. Throughout Carly's story, I found myself angry, shaking my head, wanting to stop the situation that she was in from progressing any more. But at the end, I found myself in awe of how she has taken a situation like the one she was in at her church, and instead of allowing herself to harbor bitterness or resentment (feelings I am too familiar with in my own life), she instead chooses to find hope and "revival" in exactly who she is.

"I thought about how long I'd spent searching for hope in the places I expected her- in church, in following rules, in being extraordinary for God- but not finding her until I ran away from all that and wound up thrashing about in a pile of broken glass. Hope is a wily creature, isn't she? Always sneaking into places she's not supposed to be."

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a compelling narrative of one individual's experience with a semi-closed conservative Pentacostal church community that I read it in just a few days. I couldn't put it down. I kept waiting for what I've come to expect in such memoirs: a zealous religious leader turning out to be corrupt and abusive. Instead, what I found was much more subtle yet nonetheless traumatic, particularly because the church's strictures were so all-consuming and ongoing, affecting the narrator's every facet of life as she came of age.

This memoir is written by a young author, just a few years beyond the experience. As a result, it would be a great read for my college students in understanding how to make sense of their relatively recent childhood and adolescent experiences. However, at times, I found myself wishing a bit more distance had been placed between the events themselves and the writing of the memoir. I think there is potential for more meaning-making here, as well as some tropes that could be developed to deepen the reader's experience.

All in all, though, I was gripped by this book and glad to read something so unique in the way of memoirs about conservative religious experience.

[Michelle Kidwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once You Go In
A Memoir of Radical Faith
by Carly Gelsinger

She Writes Press

She Writes Press
Biographies & Memoirs
Religion & Spirituality
Pub Date 16 Oct 2018






I am reviewing a copy of Once You Go In through She Writes Press and Netgalley:




When Carly Gelsinger was an awkward and lonely thirteen year old when she stumbles into Pine Canyon Assemblies of God. The church is a cracked stucco building on the outskirts of her remote small town. She finds her place despite apprehensions because she wants nothing more than to belong. She is soon on fire for God.






Carly Gelsinger speaks in tongues, slays demons, and follows her abusive pastor’s every word. It is not until her life is nearly destroyed that she finds the courage to leave.




Once You Go In is a coming of age story that deals with both the beautiful and dangerous aspects of absolute faith.


I give Once You Go in Five out of five stars!



Happy Reading!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm debating right now whether to go cry by myself or write this review...obviously, this book was impactful. I expected something much more angry, a book about spiritual abuse or the danger of this branch of pentecostal theology. I thought it would be the book version of the conversation I had with my childhood best friend, who once vented to me about how we grew up in a cult.

I was wrong. Although I saw her (and myself) in these pages, the author wasn't writing from a place of vindictiveness or even pain. Instead this was the work of a talented author who had processed her story and felt like it was time to share it with others. I just finished reading another memoir of faith right before this one, and the contrast of the writing skill of each author was apparent. Gelsinger knows what she's doing.

Highly recommended. Now I need to go cry.

[T.A. Munroe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parts of Carly's story echo my Christian spiritual journey except I was an adult when the similarities begin and I was able to recognize, after a while, and draw away from what felt wrong to my personal relationship with God. When one is sitting in church being hit over the head with one man's version of the word of God and your heart is telling you, "This isn't Jesus," you begin to wonder what you're still doing there, except for the friendships I still maintain to some degree. I had an easy out when we moved out of state.

Carly's writing in transparent and energetic. With the honesty of a searching teen, her journey unfolds eloquently as her faith evolves into something that didn't grate against her loving heart.

This is a good read for somebody rethinking their expression of faith while still wanting to hold on to Jesus.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

Big thanks to BookSparks for sending me this free book in exchange for my honest review!!

"My fire for God changed m, and wile I never want to go back, I can see hope is leading the way to something goo. It has led me to the slow growth of faith, of small shoots of life pushing up from dead stumps, of expansive views of hope I may have never seen otherwise."

First off, what an amazing outlook and reflection on life after all the experiences she has been through! This was such a shocking and powerful memoir about Carly's experiences assimilating into a Pentecostal church as a teenager, and ultimately when she finds the courage to get out and leave the church. I was intrigued from the very beginning and Carly truly holds nothing back! I love how open and vulnerable she is while recounting her life and experiences. She really lets the readers into her mind when she first began looking into the church and as she was dutifully attending. She struggles finding her worth and trying to fit in throughout her life. Th things she went through with that church were shocking and made me so sad for her. I wanted to pull her out and to be there for her as she struggled and didn't really have anyone there for her. She was pulled into this church and went through so much during her time there! All while struggling depression and other mental health issues she does't even realize she had. It took so much courage and strength to leave in the end, and I am glad she can look back on her experiences and see how she grew as a person. I love learning through people's experiences and an grateful that Carly shared so much through her story. The ending is beautiful and redemptive and I am happy for her with her family now and the new and restorative life she has created.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another interesting read on the Bookspark's Magic of Memoir Tour! I'm always intrigued by cults and radical religions. This one was told from the perspective of a teenage girl who initially looks to religion to find friendship. While she tries to immerse herself in the Pentecostal church (including conforming to the rules, speaking in tongues, and trying to convert others) she finds herself struggling with her beliefs and commitment to the church. It was fascinating to learn about radical faith as well as the drastically different upbringing of someone who was a teenager around the same time I was. While her experience with religion was unique, her feelings and desire to belong and make friends are universal for any kid growing up.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Once You Go In is a well written, fast paced memoir about the author’s time in a radical church. Carly Gelainger has a very conversational writing style that feels like she is narrating her story in real time. Beginning as an awkward and lonely teen who just goes to the local bible camp to make friends, she is soon swept into a life that revolves around the church. No secular music, even the Beatles!!!, and modest clothing. Never quite able to commit fully, her doubt throughout this time keeps this memoir accessible to all.
As a life long atheist, I wasn’t sure I’d connect with this memoir. I was a teen who just wanted to fit in and be accepted though so I can see how her journey started.

[Anne Pratt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a nicely written book with some great descriptions that accurately portray a teenage girl’s feeling and point of view. I’m from the Deep South, raised southern Baptist and also attended an Assembly of God church in high school. The descriptions in this book of these types of charismatic churches is spot on. Although I was taught some strange and disturbing things as a child, I don’t bear any ill will toward any of these churches. I just feel grateful to be on my own with a more grounded, rational set of beliefs that work for you me. I get the impression Carley is the same. We can all be free to believe how we want and agree to disagree with love and harmony.

[Jenn · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a lot of "saying" instead of "showing." There was little reflection or analysis of her situation, of the other people in her life. Where were her parents while this was happening? What was she thinking/feeling besides the sarcastic comments/thoughts she intersperses throughout the scenes? What did her teachers think? There is so much missing from this that could have made it a more compelling read. Bummer.

[David Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn’t stop reading!

Although I was raised in a different faith environment, I experienced many of the things Ms. Gelsinger so vividly describes in her book. I couldn’t stop reading, I had to hear what happened next in her story.

This book is worth your time!! 5 stars from me.