The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up

by Dan Kiley

Discusses the problem of men who, although they have reached adulthood, are unable to cope with feelings and responsibilities, identifying the symptoms of the syndrome and offering guidelines on coping with and treating the problem

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Love, Mental Health, Womens

298 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 1983

About the author

For the author on architecture, see Dan Urban Kiley, 1912-2004.

Psychologist Dan Kiley popularized the Peter Pan syndrome in his 1983 book, The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up. His next book, The Wendy Dilemma (1984), advised women romantically involved with "Peter Pans" how to improve their relationships.

After receiving a doctorate at the University of Illinois, Kiley began treating juvenile delinquents, an experience that led to a series of early books, including "Keeping Kids Out of Trouble."

Dr. Kiley got the idea for "The Peter Pan Syndrome" after noticing that, like the famous character in the James M. Barrie play, many of the troubled teen-age boys he treated had problems growing up and accepting adult responsibilities.

After he began work on the book, it dawned on him that the teen-age boys who refused to accept responsibility grew up to become men who refused to accept responsibility.

Reviews

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

good to read if you have an idiot male in your life

[Kevin · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is true that the threshold for being considered an adult is lower than ever, and that the world is being inherited by a generation of childish twits who evade responsibility and act like teenagers well into their 40s. While the author was the first to call attention to an important sociological phenomenon, this book is mostly unscientific pop-psychology garbage. Every page drips with the author's narcissistic douchebaggery. I think Kiley wrote this book in his groovy jumpsuit while listening to an 8-track of Marvin Gaye and trying to seduce the wives of his peter-panny patients, because the subtext behind everything he says is, "If these peter pans were REAL MEN, like ME..."

[The Cute Little Brown-haired girl · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this when I was about 13. I found it in our basement/garage right next to The Cinderella Complex. Apparently my mother did some "light reading" following my parent's divorce. It gives some real insight into why men are just large little boys. Did you ever wonder why grown men still need to have video games, cars, boats, gadgets, and lack responsiblity in relationships...claiming "nobody ever taught me how!" if ever asked to be responsible for anything? Well, this is the book for you!
I learned a great deal about my dad from reading it. He fit the discription of the "Peter Pan" they discribe. They call some of these people now delusional narcissists. (Please see DSM 4 for details on this personality disorder).

[Théo d'Or]

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything ? When the whole world was yours ?
Unfortunately, there comes a time in life when man loses all its charm. The moment can be defined as maturation. Narrow minds do not distinguish the difference between a forever young and a disabled person.

[Kelly]

Its amazing, it's true, and it's about my ex (well all my exes really). Next up I have to read "Wendy's Club" and figure out how to break this cycle of dating man-children...

[Phillip · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fine example of pop psychology providing one explanation for a common cultural phenomenon of late capitalism. Others, like Oliver James, label similar symptoms as affluenza. But they key elements of Kiley's theory are that a generation of comfortably affluent men have become susceptible to social maladjustment centering on their inability to take responsibility for themselves. They are deeply disturbed, feeling lost and yet unable to confront that lostness because of the guilt built up by blaming themselves and simultaneously suppressing the knowledge of that guilt. Much of this is rooted in the changing gender roles developed during after the 1970s, which created 1) a dissonance between how the boy's parents interacted and how he was taught to behave in a new world, and 2) opened increasing spaces for women to be dominant and assertive without socially legitimizing boys being submissive and emotionally sensitive. The confusion created by these difficulties, along with tacit messaging at home that create a longing for dad's approval/affection, and a guilt/resentment spiral related to mom, creates a boy and then man who is anxious, lonely, narcissistic, chauvinistic, and has trouble establishing healthy interpersonal relationships (especially romantic/sexual relationships).

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finally found the book that described my ex-husband perfectly and also what I needed to NOT do to make sure that my son wouldn't grow up as an overgrown, immature, selfish child like so many men in our culture seem to do because so many women - mothers and wives are so willing to pitch in and help.

[Lisa Agosti · Rating 3 out of 5]

In 1984, Dan Kiley collected his experiences as a counselor and formulated a theory that to this day is still valid and renown all over the world.
"The Peter Pan Syndrome" explains step by step how young boys can get lost in the process of growing up and how certain family dynamics facilitate the choice of flying to Neverland and never grow up.
Dr Kiley uncovers the loneliness and psychological pain stagnating underneath the denial of PPS victims and offers practical advice to lovers, relatives and friends of PPS victims who want to get their loved one back from the Lost Boys legion.
There is a sequel to "The Peter Pan Syndrome" called "The Wendy Dilemma", again by Dr Kiley, dealing with women who tend to find themselves involved in relationship with PPS victims.
Since 1984 some socio-environmental dynamics have changed and it is my understanding that there are girls who suffer from PPS too. I am collecting evidence of the topic hoping to publish the results in 2015. If you have any insight or comment on PPS in women please contact me:
lisafobia(at)gmail(dot)com

[Guilherme Smee · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ouvi falar da Síndrome de Peter Pan pela primeira vez ao ver e conversar com minha tia sobre esse livro, que ela tinha na sua casa. Ao ler ele, muitos anos depois, descobri que a teoria dessa síndrome foi criada em 1983, baseada no Complexo de Cinderela, de outra autora. Também entendi que não era um livro para ser levado muito a sério, já que se trata de psicologia pop e parece ser voltado à mulheres leitoras de magazines femininos. Não existe aprofundamento neste livro, é outro daqueles livros sobre masculinidade que surgiram nos anos 1980 e 1990 falando sobre casos psicológicos para corroborar uma teoria. Embora Síndrome de Peter Pan tenha sido um dos primeiros livros a falar sobre a infantilização do mundo ocidental, esta não é uma síndrome mais exclusiva apenas de homens, mas de toda uma geração criada pelos meios de comunicação de massa e agudizada com a digitalização. Algumas das características apontadas por Dan Killey também servem para descrever pessoas ligadas com movimentos políticos da alt-right, fenômeno bastante recente se comparado com o lançamento deste livro. A partir dessa ótica talvez tenhamos um bom uso para a teoria desta síndrome.

[Paulo Goulart · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, I personally (more on that below) and professionally little know about these matters, but I've found this book and the "lectures" very interesting, sound and substantiated. Even though this is an old book (I think it is my wife's book; more on that also below).
This author really seems to know about what he is writing and I hope I'm right, because I'm sure that I'm no Peter Pan (at least in full), according to the book. My wife may desagree a bit (😀), as I love so much riding all my bycicles and run freely through mountains and forests...

[Sri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Peter Pan Syndrome ini ga ada bagus-bagusnya deh. Semua pengidapnya akan bikin makan hati. Baik dia sebagai anak, sebagai pasangan, atau pun sebagai seorang bapak.

Quote favorit:
Mom: Protect your son from any stereotyping of a wife's
role in the home. Teach him to cook, sew, and do laundry;
he'll need those survival skills.
Make sure that you have some life away from the kids.
If you don't, you can easily fall into martyrdom and over-
protection.

Setuju banget sama 2 kalimat terakhir. Itulah salah satu alasan mengapa aku tetap bekerja setelah punya anak.

[Hangci Du · Rating 2 out of 5]

I used to think the book very accurate for me.

But now I think we should read other kinds of books to transfer our mind.

This book is OK for us to find a problem. But the book can never change anything.

[Coconut · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. Easy read. Lots of good book recommendations at the end of the book.

[Danny Lynn]

Rather dated....

[Katarzyna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Point still very valid, but overall execution has not aged well.

[Uğur · Rating 5 out of 5]

We always want to keep the child with us and not kill the child inside of us. For this purpose, we develop human relationships, and when we are alone, we start to reveal it. Because in the first interpretation, this situation looks quite innocent and is easily accepted because it is not bad. However, a man experiences this innocent desire so dominant that he does not realize that it undermines both his own maturation process (facing his responsibilities and life) and his social relationships, he cannot.

For this type of man(they constitute a very wide segment of society), we can introduce a definition as follows; an inflated egoistic man of the patriarchal system. This ataerkillesme, starting in childhood from infancy increasingly, everything she wanted done, and the boss at the end of the community is flourishing in boys than girls boy who became recognized high tolerance of this personality disorder and normal socialization worse environment* to ensure that they are accepted as is.

Children who experience Peter Pan Syndrome postpone graduation from school because they are too used to readiness, avoid other responsibilities such as military service, work when they graduate, and if they are going to start a job, it should definitely be at a high level. Because he is the most valuable person in the department he graduated from and his job should be high in this respect. Although he has not yet faced the realities of life, the relationship situation of this type of man, who has become an adult in age, is also in a grave situation. At this point, the PPS case is looking for someone to take care of her like her mother instead of her lover. According to another interpretation, the slave... loses her value in the eyes of the PPS case every time the person opposite her does not fit this form and is labeled as a prostitute in her mind. The opposite is also an example. Like a man who does whatever his girlfriend or wife wants…
The situations I have described are the products of a completely unconscious process. Because, unconsciously, a man serves his mother, not his lover, and applies his mother as the basic criterion.
Peter Pan Syndrome also occurs at these two basic points and provides continuity. From the parents who take on the responsibilities of their son, from the ideal partner who accepts the maternal model and causes the PPS case to be confirmed*…

Dan Kiley has explained these points in all their clarity and detail. It has made today's adults open their eyes. this syndrome, which was discovered in the 190s, has perhaps the most illuminating content at the point of the self-problem of today's man. Kiley also told us this in a tremendous way. I wish urgent readings for interested, but more patriarchal men.

[Josef Ploski · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had not heard of the term "Peter Pan Syndrome" before actress Kate Michuchi mentioned it on a podcast. I immediately looked it up and found this book. I was convinced something was very wrong with me, my not wanting to and seemingly not able to grow up and this book helped me put my problems into words and now I am trying to put those words into actions. This book is nearly 40 years old so I can not give it more stars due to it being fairly outdated for our modern on-line world but I would relish an updated version of this book for those who have failed to launch in our online world of the 2st century. I recommend this book as a place to start, but it does not hold all the answers. It mostly gives you a place for your, your loved ones, and hopefully your therapist to start.

[Alexa Doran · Rating 1 out of 5]

um. the sexism in this book is APPALLING. For example, one of the patients describes raping his wife, and the author responds by telling him that though he raped her, he should not try to talk to her about this "one inconsiderate act", that she would most likely want to forget it. At another point, the author describes an eleven year old child as having "evil" eyes. Furthermore, women are consistently encouraged to look the other way if their man is cheating. It's a dumpster fire whose valid points about narcissim are smothered in the author's creepiness.

[Vincent · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like this brought up some valid points but the language and the suggestions were a bit dated and just not as well phrased as I would like. To me saying victim of PPS is a bit much! How about person with PPS? Also I needed a bit of nuance here. Like someone’s actions is their fault but also let’s have some consideration that their upbringing and what they have been taught does influence that. Also I really didn’t like the sections that were like and women you can fix this! No. It’s for the man experiencing this to fix. End of story!

[Natasha Vaney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone young adults both gender male and female should read this book. It will save years of heartaches, TIME with the wrong person and Peter Pans looking for mothers not mate's. Mothers to clean up after them, do the laundry, take care of the children, house work, cook and do the dishes. Leaving to disappointment and divorce later. "I wanted to have children not be in a relationship with a child ."

[Geralt Li · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the best book I have read this year, and it is also the book that helped me the most. It can be said that this book will change my life. I myself have mild Peter Pan syndrome. After reading this book and looking back on my life, I have been pretending, deceiving myself, and not being responsible for myself. It can be said that each of us has this symptom more or less, and we need to face it squarely instead of avoiding it. Authenticity makes us stronger.
2022.11.24 Chinese 10h

[Karma · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting, first of its kind look into a disorder that has become exponentially more prevalent since the original writing.
While "Peter" clearly has psychological, narcissistic concerns, the emotional hostages that these people take are often damaged far beyond just being annoyed.

A must read for mothers and wives that feel they are trapped on Neverland.

[Meghan Stone · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book. I think there are some good gems in here, but I also think that psychology has come a long way since the printing of this book. Over all, it’s a good book to add to your arsenal of self help books on narcissism and mother enmeshment, but I would not solely rely on this book for help and wisdom on how to handle narcissists and man-child’s in your life.

[jade ౨ৎ · Rating 4 out of 5]

3,75/5. Le livre était cool jusqu'à ce qu'il n'aborde QUE la sex life de Paul le Peter Pan 2.0. Paul n'est pas "le genre d'individu grâce à qui la vie vaut d'être vécue" comme le dit Dan Kiley. Au contraire, j'avais envie de me pendre ET de faire un school shooting ET de lui hurler de se suicider pendant l'entièreté du dernier chapitre, le seul chapitre où il apparaît. J'EXÈCRE PAUL.

[Poganka 🌚 · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m not sure about this one, it was a pretty boring read. The longer you read, the more “signs” there will be saying that one or another man is a victim of a PPS. I would not be surprised if the author included basically all the men in the PPS victims list. Won’t finish reading.

[Marcus J. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting 1980's psychology with some pertinent ideas for today

[Darryl Cottier · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ouch!!!

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

An oldie but a goodie. Deep dive into adult men who still act like boys, how they got that way and how to break the habit.

[Jo Horn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A careful study of the way our culture undermines masculinity.

[Ella Horne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank goodness I didn’t marry that guy lmao.

For real though, someone needs to write an updated version of this and make it required reading for girls in college.