Dveji namai, viena vaikystė

by Robert E. Emery

Amerikiečių psichologas Robertas E. Emery, daugelį metų dirbantis su skyrybas išgyvenančiomis šeimomis, pasakoja istorijas iš savo patirties ir dalijasi vertingais patarimais, kaip, bendradarbiaujant su buvusiuoju ar buvusiąja, sudaryti tokį tėvystės planą, kuris geriausiai atlieptų besikeičiančius vaiko poreikius. Vadovaudamiesi šiuo planu pasieksite, kad gyvenimas dvejuose namuose vaikui taptų mažesne našta.

Vaikai teturi vieną vaikystę. Vaikystė gali būti, turėtų būti nekaltumo, pasitikėjimo, nuostabos, džiaugsmo, tyrinėjimo, mokymosi, stiprėjimo ir vertingų pastangų laikas, – o kartu ir laikas pridaryti daugybę klaidų. Vaikystė yra metas, kai reikia tikėtis naujų pradžių ir pasikartojančių klaidų, kai reikia visa tai atleisti ir priimti. Vaikystė yra metas, kai niekas, net griežčiausias papeikimas, neturėtų atimti iš vaiko jausmo, kad jis yra mylimas, saugus ir kad juo rūpinamasi. Vaikystė yra metas, kai gali išmokti savarankiškumo, nepriklausomybės ir atsakingumo, drąsiai žengdamas į priekį nuo saugaus tėviškos meilės pamato. Vaikystė reiškia, kad esi apsaugotas nuo gilių žaizdų, kurių beveik neįmanoma išgydyti, bet ne nuo gyvenimo sutrenkimų ir mėlynių, nuo skausmo, kuris leidžia išmokti esmines, nors kartais ir sunkias pamokas. Jūsų vaikai turi dvejus namus, bet tik vieną vaikystę.

Genres: Parenting, Self Help, Nonfiction, Divorce, Psychology, Childrens, Relationships

368 pages, Hardcover

Published January 1, 2017

Reviews

[Mischenko · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book because I do childcare for a little one who has two homes, as well as mine. I found it to have a lot of information that I didn't know before. I found the hierarchy of trust and needs to be very interesting. It also helped me to understand certain anxieties and fears that form in children possibly caused by too much time away from the mother. It even has a section on exchanges and how things should be handled with infants and young children. A must read for anyone co-parenting or caring for a child who is co-parented.

[Noell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated his advice around co-parenting and having a parenting plan that evolves as kids grow and circumstances change. I wasn't personally on board with some of his general parenting suggestions- largely around younger children. I follow respectful parenting guides and there were places in here where it didn't quite jive. Overall, I'm glad I read it. This whole divorcing thing is hard as can be, but I want to give my child the best possible set up they can have for growing up in a family that is loving and supportive and makes space for him to simply be a kid.

[Natasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I would have read this book sooner. I've been in a separate but co-parenting relationship for the entirety of my 13 y/o child's life. This book sheds light on the motivation behind a parenting plan that works for children of divorced parents. I think this book could be really healing for families.

[Rhea Joslin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful information although I would have liked more facts rather than narratives.

[Gail · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bob Emery is a psychologist, researcher, professor, and mediator who has lived and breathed divorce for decades. In Two Homes, One Childhood, he speaks to every divorced parent’s deepest fears (“Is your child’s challenging behavior part of normal development or a sign of something deeper, perhaps owing to the upheaval of your divorce?”) and hopes (“Children shouldn’t be defined by divorce…. And you can make sure that doesn’t happen.”). The insights gained from his professional roles are deepened by personal experience. (He recently grabbed drinks with his ex-wife to celebrate the arrival of their grandchild.) He knows firsthand how difficult it is to construct a parenting plan that “grows and changes along with the developing needs of children”—and how essential.

Emery’s tone is clear and steady with no beautiful turns of phrase but nothing to trip the reader up either. My one complaint in terms of style is the repetition, both on the sentence level and between chapters geared to different ages. Emery says, “I do this for a few reasons. I know some readers will skip around, so I raise a few key issues repeatedly so no one will miss them. I also repeat myself some, because, well, some things bear repeating.” Fair enough, but it can still grate for a cover-to-cover reader.

Two Homes nonetheless adds substantial value by synthesizing nuanced research and offering both big picture recommendations and tips and tricks to get there. “Here is what your children need,” Emery summarizes: “a good relationship with at least one authoritative parent, that is, a parent who is both loving and firm with discipline” and “low levels of conflict between parents.” A second high-quality parental relationship is ideal, but not as important as not “living in the middle of a war zone between two parents.” When it comes to the nitty gritty, Emery is blunt: Be the adult. Shield the kids. Do your job.

With the long lens that comes with age and an academic background, Emery reminds readers that marriage is what demographers call “an incomplete institution,” one that is still evolving. So too are best practices for raising kids together outside of marriage. We know some do’s. We know some don’t’s. Emery folds them together to establish a psychological compass to help us navigate the gray areas.

[Megan T · Rating 2 out of 5]

Basic developmental psychology, nothing astounding but can be useful for many families. Low rating because it doesn't deal at all with high-conflict seperations, abuse situations, domestic violence or low-income limitations. Many of the "creative solutions" cited as examples involve a level of wealth and cooperation that is only possible in a small percentage of families.

[Meg · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt that the author should have stayed in his lane as a meditator instead of leaning heavily on parenting advice. I’m an educator and a parent, and his authoritarian approach to parenting is *one* approach but is presented in this book as *the* approach. Personally, I’ve moved away from authoritarian approaches to parenting after engaging with brain based research and books like “No Drama Discipline.”

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely a read for those new to this. Unfortunately, some of us had to learn the hard way by doing things the wrong way. I absolutely recommend this book for anyone who doesn't want to go down that road. You may not be able change your exes behavior, but you can at least change your own. Who knows? Maybe after a while your ex can follow in your lead. Actually, I guarantee they will.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I will keep a copy of this book for reference for when my kid gets older. I would also recommend this to any parents going through a separation or divorce. The core message is "put your kids' needs first, even if it's not what YOU want".

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

How I wish this book had been available when I started the path of my divorce. Despite continually dealing with a contentious ex, and being disappointed that we can't mediate the perfect path for our children, the ideas herein altered my view of co-parenting for the better.

[Alicia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Would have done 3.5 stars. Solid info, well organized, still depressing but just bc of topic content. I didn't agree with all his philosophies but understood where he was coming from. Also a good outline for parents that have the gonna gonads to read.

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Focuses on the kid, and breaks issues down by age

[Hugo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book with good tips for recently divorced parents, including lifetime advice on how to handle the whole life as a co-parent.

[Pipa · Rating 5 out of 5]

O plano parental dinâmico focado nos interesses da criança, desenvolvendo-se a par da sua evolução, é a solução ideal. Evitar o conflito é crucial.

[Lindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read for any person touched by divorce who is also parenting. I wish this book had been around for my parents.

[Maggie Reyerson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super helpful as both a therapist and a divorced parent.

[Dominique · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful to be reminded of what is truly best for children of separation and divorce. I read it to help guide me through my own drawn out and difficult divorce and found parts useful. It took a while to complete because it does become repetitive and just as many self-help books do, it tackles personally irrelevant scenarios within the relevant preachings.

[Edgaras · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pagrindnė mintis - tėvystės planas. Kaip dalintis vaikais, kad jie nenukentėtų.

[Charlotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great reminder of how to continuously put children first in a co-parenting relationship. Emery is simple and firm on the need to keep child-focussed priorities, while offering refreshing flexibility in how exactly these priorities are worked out.

Apart from a nod to different kinds of families at the very beginning, Emery assumes throughout that the reader lives a heterosexual, monogamous, middle-class lifestyle in the USA — it would have been nice to see some other situations considered.

UPDATE: upped this from 4 to 5 stars as I find myself revisiting it a couple of years later. Our coparenting needs (or really my son’s needs) are changing as he gets into the school years and I found this book so helpful to re-ground my decision making. If you’re not surrounded by coparenting friends it can be hard to get a handle on what’s normal, what’s a good blended family or coparenting situation, and how things should change as your kid grows. This book gives that context and while I don’t take it as gospel, I’m really grateful to have the voice of an experienced coparent and psychologist in my ear.

[Andee Marley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting.
I liked the 'hierarchy of needs' pyramid for children of two households. I will also remember that I am not a "single parent", my child is being taken care of by two loving parents in separate homes. Many little things about this book made me feel confident and 'alright with everything'.
Soooo ready to be done with divorce self-help. Would have rated higher if I read this about 5 months ago. sorry :(

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reaffirms many things I'd read already, but had some excellent ideas for how to co-parent and deal with both physical and legal custody as children age and their circumstances change

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won Two Homes, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime
by Robert E. Emery through Goodreads. Very well written and informative.