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Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder: Communication Skills to Manage Intense Emotions, Set Boundaries, and Reduce Conflict
In this compassionate guide, Jerold Kreisman—author of I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me —offers a powerful set of tools to help you express yourself, set boundaries, and cultivate healthy communication with a loved one who is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). If you have a loved one with BPD, you need real, proven-effective strategies to help you navigate the intense emotions and conflict that can arise in daily interactions and conversations. People with BPD often feel anger, pain, and hurt from a history of invalidation and disappointment, and their difficulty in regulating emotions can lead to moments of lashing out that can confuse and upset those around them. Written by a psychiatrist with more than 40 years of experience in treating BPD, Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder offers a breakthrough, compassionate approach to communicating with a loved one who has BPD. The SET (support, empathy, truth) method outlined in this book is a powerful and simple tool that will allow you to honestly address your loved one’s demands, assertions, and feelings while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Each step builds on the last, helping you build up a consistent and reliable communication process. In this book, you’ll find a review of BPD and the common communication problems inherent in the disorder. You’ll learn how SET can address these issues. And finally, you’ll find detailed examples of specific scenarios that can arise when talking to a loved one with BPD. Remember—validation isn’t the same as agreement. You can help your loved one feel validated while still maintaining your own boundaries. This essential guide will show you how.
192 pages, Paperback
Published November 1, 2018
171 people are currently reading
762 people want to read
About the author
Jerold J. Kreisman
7 books78 followersJerold Kreisman, M.D., is a psychiatrist and best-selling author. His books, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and Sometimes I Act Crazy. have been translated into several languages around the world. He is an Associate Clinical Professor at St. Louis University and has been designated a Distinguished Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He has lectured widely in both this country and abroad, and has appeared on many media programs, including The Oprah Winfrey Show.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
May 2, 2019
If you are looking for a book to help you cope with a BP parent this book may not be the best. It seemed to have a lot of practical advice for relationships that aren’t parental but I found it a bit lacking in providing a good way of dealing with the complicated dynamics of a parent-child relationship (with the parent being the one suffering from BPD). I was looking for a little more. If you just need some practical advice for dealing with different types of interactions with someone with BPD, this book is good. I found the advice to be short, sweet and to the point generally but also felt that it made it sound much more simple than it tends to be when dealing with someone with the disorder. Especially someone who has been misdiagnosed, undiagnosed and/or untreated for their entire life.
I also was somewhat turned off by the lack of acknowledgement of just how abusive the relationship dynamics can be when dealing with someone with BPD.
If you are dealing with a loved one who is open to getting help and you are wanting to help them in that journey i think this book might be for you. If, on the other hand, you are looking for advice for dealing with a parent who has raised you & therefore created an unhealthy dynamic , and you have finally decided to try to be mentally healthy in that relationship while knowing that the parent you love might not ever get there, then I think there are probably better books out there for you.
I also was somewhat turned off by the lack of acknowledgement of just how abusive the relationship dynamics can be when dealing with someone with BPD.
If you are dealing with a loved one who is open to getting help and you are wanting to help them in that journey i think this book might be for you. If, on the other hand, you are looking for advice for dealing with a parent who has raised you & therefore created an unhealthy dynamic , and you have finally decided to try to be mentally healthy in that relationship while knowing that the parent you love might not ever get there, then I think there are probably better books out there for you.
August 10, 2021
Very informative
April 26, 2021
Disclaimer: I couldn't finish this book- I thought this would be helpful but it felt like the author wants you to placate the person who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't feel like the advice was helpful for someone who wants or needs to set boundaries. It just felt like it was catering more to the person with BPD than helping the person who has been hurt and manipulated by already trying to reduce conflict their whole lives.
November 20, 2018
“Talking to A Loved One With Borderline Personality Disorder” is a very informative and realistically adaptable book on how one can interact and understand another person with Bipolar Disorder. Aside from including chapters where the aspects and traits of a BP are identified, they are all followed up with the appropriate reaction to such encounters. There are many anecdotes and personal examples included to help the reader better apply the tools in their own interactions.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a topic that I have studied extensively in my Psychology degree and has always fascinated me. I particularly chose this read because, although I personally do not know anyone with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, my studies have taught me that it is the most misunderstood and the most dangerous of psychological diagnosis. This book was written in such a way that, whether you are familiar with the diagnosis or not, it can offer insight to anyone. Although there is much more that was left out of the Borderline Personality spectrum. Therefore, I don’t know that this would be my first recommendation to someone that is unfamiliar with the disorder entirely. I would however, recommend it as a follow up to any research into Borderline Personality because it does such a great job of revealing the lives of the partners and families involved. One of the biggest things we can do for our world, is to educate ourselves on the important issues that surround us universally. Including mental health. And this was a wonderful book to help my personal understanding of Borderline Personality.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a topic that I have studied extensively in my Psychology degree and has always fascinated me. I particularly chose this read because, although I personally do not know anyone with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, my studies have taught me that it is the most misunderstood and the most dangerous of psychological diagnosis. This book was written in such a way that, whether you are familiar with the diagnosis or not, it can offer insight to anyone. Although there is much more that was left out of the Borderline Personality spectrum. Therefore, I don’t know that this would be my first recommendation to someone that is unfamiliar with the disorder entirely. I would however, recommend it as a follow up to any research into Borderline Personality because it does such a great job of revealing the lives of the partners and families involved. One of the biggest things we can do for our world, is to educate ourselves on the important issues that surround us universally. Including mental health. And this was a wonderful book to help my personal understanding of Borderline Personality.
November 23, 2024
There’s a stigma around the more chaotic side of BPD utilized as multiple examples throughout this book. The examples provided are for severe cases of BPD, and not many provide mild to moderate examples, which bummed me out.
Although the stigma of BPD played a part in my dislike for specific fragments of the book, I truly enjoyed the multiple ways of having conversations to help someone with BPD while they’re in a “mood” or episode. I frankly believe that it should be utilized more commonly within conversations, but is often forgotten due to the advancement of technology and the lack of willingness to be connected to others.
Although the stigma of BPD played a part in my dislike for specific fragments of the book, I truly enjoyed the multiple ways of having conversations to help someone with BPD while they’re in a “mood” or episode. I frankly believe that it should be utilized more commonly within conversations, but is often forgotten due to the advancement of technology and the lack of willingness to be connected to others.
July 27, 2019
Offers Promise for Those of Us Close BPD Sufferers
Finally! A book on not just the symptoms and traits of BPD, but how to talk to someone with BPD. If you know someone with BOD and have been present when the disorder takes over behavior, you’ve probably been put through the whiplash of being blamed for not doing enough and then being too involved. Even people with stable self-perception and esteem can be caught off guard by this BPD Blitzkrieg. The assault comes so fast that most of us are unable to keep up with the accusations and are quickly emotionally (and verbally) outmaneuvered, leaving the non-BPD person stunned and unsure of what just happened and the person with BPD feeling frustrated and hopeless. If this is what you’ve experienced, read this book and learn how to defeat such attacks and simultaneously keep your cool, your sanity, and provide support and empathy to the person with BPD. The book reads much less than a diagnostic manual or deep dive into the disorder; rather, it’s something you can put to practice and is full of examples on how conversations take place. Most examples are presented from two scenarios: word choice and approach that lead to things falling apart and the other in which a healthy outcome is attained. The SET-UP approach provides an effective way to communicate, not only with BPD sufferers, but also to others you want to demonstrate realistic support and caring for.
Finally! A book on not just the symptoms and traits of BPD, but how to talk to someone with BPD. If you know someone with BOD and have been present when the disorder takes over behavior, you’ve probably been put through the whiplash of being blamed for not doing enough and then being too involved. Even people with stable self-perception and esteem can be caught off guard by this BPD Blitzkrieg. The assault comes so fast that most of us are unable to keep up with the accusations and are quickly emotionally (and verbally) outmaneuvered, leaving the non-BPD person stunned and unsure of what just happened and the person with BPD feeling frustrated and hopeless. If this is what you’ve experienced, read this book and learn how to defeat such attacks and simultaneously keep your cool, your sanity, and provide support and empathy to the person with BPD. The book reads much less than a diagnostic manual or deep dive into the disorder; rather, it’s something you can put to practice and is full of examples on how conversations take place. Most examples are presented from two scenarios: word choice and approach that lead to things falling apart and the other in which a healthy outcome is attained. The SET-UP approach provides an effective way to communicate, not only with BPD sufferers, but also to others you want to demonstrate realistic support and caring for.
August 8, 2024
Kreisman offers a cursory explication of the array of behaviors and symptoms that characterize BP. He notes how many of these behaviors can be traced to trauma responses (in the case of PTSD) and also to the outbursts associated with stages of emotional and psychological maturation (as in the case of attitudinal teens); a fair amount of BP behaviors resolve on their own. Some can be addressed with treatment, some are pernicious. In many cases, therapists become fatigued working with these clients as the symptoms are so very challenging. This is helpful information. What follows are several chapters demonstrating effective and ineffective communication techniques for those who are closest to individuals showing BP behaviors. Its a hard read in that sense, because it seems clear that the relationships are semi-abusive. This is the fundamental challenge of being close to someone with the BP array; the sincere delusions, highly reactive responses, impulsivity, dependencies, and blame response (refusal of responsibility) is extremely trying. I think this book would best be considered with companion chapters or books for different types of relationships: employer/employee; parent/child; sibling; intimate other; lifelong friend.
January 10, 2020
This book is an excellent resource, not only for those that have a loved one (parent, sibling, spouse, friend, coworker) with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but really for any person who wants to be able to gently and effectively communicate with all loved ones and people in general. This book really encourages and provides a guide to talking through the hardest moments. It has helped me to look at things differently, and my relationships have improved because of it.
SUPPORT and EMPATHY should be the main bulk of a difficult conversation, which is quite different from what one may learn growing up in a tumultuous household with a difficult childhood. I now realize that throwing a whole bunch of TRUTH at someone and expecting them to not only eat it, but absorb it and make changes based on it, is ridiculously optimistic thinking for handling a situation in the most brutal manner. Kreisman's guide is intended to help the reader gain communication skills to manage intense emotions, set boundaries, and reduce conflict. That is the exact result I've experienced. Generally useful and effective; I wholeheartedly recommend.
SUPPORT and EMPATHY should be the main bulk of a difficult conversation, which is quite different from what one may learn growing up in a tumultuous household with a difficult childhood. I now realize that throwing a whole bunch of TRUTH at someone and expecting them to not only eat it, but absorb it and make changes based on it, is ridiculously optimistic thinking for handling a situation in the most brutal manner. Kreisman's guide is intended to help the reader gain communication skills to manage intense emotions, set boundaries, and reduce conflict. That is the exact result I've experienced. Generally useful and effective; I wholeheartedly recommend.
May 28, 2019
This book is written largely from a romantic partner POV. Occasionally from a parental POV. Therefore, it might make it a little bit difficult if you are coming from a different perspective. Still a loved one, but not a parent or a spouse. This, I think, makes a significant difference. Parents and spouses would (hypothetically) want to make the relationship work more than perhaps a cousin or an in-law would. As harsh as that may sound. This book was quite useful to me in an abstract way, and hopefully I can put its tools into practice. But we will see. If you are considering reading this book, I would just give it a try. It is a very easy read, and reads almost like a manual. At worst, you don't finish it, but at best you may gain the tools to save your relationship with a loved one.
June 3, 2019
Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder is mostly applicable to a spousal or couple relationship, minimally to a parent/child. I was a little disappointed that other relationships arent explored. I thought the lessons in mindful speech were helpful in many situations. Jerold J Kreisman writes respectfully and conversationally about the subject, which I really appreciated. I do think this book is a valuable reference and will recommend it when I feel it fits the reader's situation.
3.5
I received my copy through NetGalley under no obligation.
3.5
I received my copy through NetGalley under no obligation.
June 15, 2023
I have lots of complicated feelings about this book - I do think it (at least partially) dehumanizes folks with BP by calling them "the BP" and offering sweeping generalizations about "BPs" and how they have to be communicated with by who we must assume is "normal" or "healthy." I wish the authors could consider a more holistic framework where we all have our own shit and no one is coming to a conflict marked with intense emotions just a blank slate/with no baggage of our own. Also, I wish the book were more focused on one specific audience like adults with BP, not slipping in messy advice about supporting kids with BP or your own parents with BP, because there's SO much more complexity in those family systems in my opinion.
With that said, I think the SET (support-empathy-truth) tool presented throughout the book is really helpful in general - not just when trying to get out of unhelpful circles of conversation with folks w/BP. I'm really grateful to have learned about it in-depth and also grateful for the many conversation examples provided in each chapter. If you feel totally stuck or like you're always saying something wrong when talking to loved ones w/BP, try reading this book.
Top quotes that helped me learn:
▪ Debating with your loved one over which one of you is borderline is fruitless. More important than gaining consensus regarding a particular medical diagnosis is agreeing on what situations are pathological to the relationship and deciding to address specific, troublesome behaviors. Improving the relationship you have with your loved one is much more important than assigning a diagnostic label
▪ I really need to step back for a bit. I know you’re upset (empathy), and I really want to work this out with you (support). But right now I’m going to take a walk. Now, I know you’re going to say that I’m running away, but if I stay, I’ll get angry and defensive, and that will upset us both even more, and we’ll get nowhere (truth). Let’s continue this when I can settle down.���
▪ But in the heat of confrontation, explanatory or defensive truth will not be heard. Support and empathy expressions must come first. You must first accept and understand the sources of the anger, even if they are misguided, overemphasized, or even irrational. Marge’s responses indicated her feeling that she was not being heard about the larger issue of Stan’s commitment to the family. Her rage exploded. She needed to hear support and empathy messages. Stan lost control and tried to overwhelm Marge, with his own anger flaring.
▪ Establishing firm personal boundaries will protect against too readily absorbing projected criticism. Let the BP know you have heard his criticism or accusation, but you need not endorse it, nor argue against it. Resist the BP’s proposition that you are responsible for his contentment.
▪ Craig felt more and more guilty and responsible for Eloise’s unhappiness. He was constantly apologizing for every indictment. He granted her every request, hoping redecorating the den or getting a new car or moving to a bigger house would soothe the wife he loved. But Eloise continued to cry. New doctors and new therapists didn’t help. Eloise would hint that Craig would be “better off” without her, which upset Craig more. He acknowledged his own depression and started to see a psychiatrist. Craig loved his wife, but he was perplexed at how he could help her. First, he needed to accept that he couldn’t easily fix Eloise. He also needed to recognize that she was oppositional to any attempts at soothing. She would either deny that his suggestions would help or she would halfheartedly attempt them, then tearfully declare them fruitless. Eloise’s passive anger was expressed by her demeanor of hopelessness. She punished Craig by frustrating his attempts to comfort her. To counter this, he started encouraging her devotion to their dog, Princess (a kind of transitional object, which she could love without fear of disappointment). Additionally, he learned to avoid making direct suggestions that she could easily reject and instead make more helpful support and empathy proclamations.
▪ Enduring the “I hate you” part of BPD is perhaps the most formidable challenge to maintaining your relationship with your loved one. It is important to understand that the BP’s behavior is a symptom of his illness, developed as a mechanism to shield him from hurt. It is not entirely a debasement of you. Persevering through the assaults and knowing that they’re not all personal will help you through difficult times. Using the strategies exemplified here can help. And, finally, understanding that over time the anger will likely abate can grant you the patience you need to continue your loving relationship.
▪ In BPD, attitudes and temperament may transform in minutes. You may be bewildered by how rapidly and extremely the BP makes these changes. As he talks with you on his cell phone walking out of the office, he may reflect on how smart and accomplished he feels after receiving feedback on how well he handled the meeting. But when he gets to the car and sees he’s locked his keys inside, he begins cursing and banging on the car, pulling his hair, and screaming about how stupid he is.
With that said, I think the SET (support-empathy-truth) tool presented throughout the book is really helpful in general - not just when trying to get out of unhelpful circles of conversation with folks w/BP. I'm really grateful to have learned about it in-depth and also grateful for the many conversation examples provided in each chapter. If you feel totally stuck or like you're always saying something wrong when talking to loved ones w/BP, try reading this book.
Top quotes that helped me learn:
▪ Debating with your loved one over which one of you is borderline is fruitless. More important than gaining consensus regarding a particular medical diagnosis is agreeing on what situations are pathological to the relationship and deciding to address specific, troublesome behaviors. Improving the relationship you have with your loved one is much more important than assigning a diagnostic label
▪ I really need to step back for a bit. I know you’re upset (empathy), and I really want to work this out with you (support). But right now I’m going to take a walk. Now, I know you’re going to say that I’m running away, but if I stay, I’ll get angry and defensive, and that will upset us both even more, and we’ll get nowhere (truth). Let’s continue this when I can settle down.���
▪ But in the heat of confrontation, explanatory or defensive truth will not be heard. Support and empathy expressions must come first. You must first accept and understand the sources of the anger, even if they are misguided, overemphasized, or even irrational. Marge’s responses indicated her feeling that she was not being heard about the larger issue of Stan’s commitment to the family. Her rage exploded. She needed to hear support and empathy messages. Stan lost control and tried to overwhelm Marge, with his own anger flaring.
▪ Establishing firm personal boundaries will protect against too readily absorbing projected criticism. Let the BP know you have heard his criticism or accusation, but you need not endorse it, nor argue against it. Resist the BP’s proposition that you are responsible for his contentment.
▪ Craig felt more and more guilty and responsible for Eloise’s unhappiness. He was constantly apologizing for every indictment. He granted her every request, hoping redecorating the den or getting a new car or moving to a bigger house would soothe the wife he loved. But Eloise continued to cry. New doctors and new therapists didn’t help. Eloise would hint that Craig would be “better off” without her, which upset Craig more. He acknowledged his own depression and started to see a psychiatrist. Craig loved his wife, but he was perplexed at how he could help her. First, he needed to accept that he couldn’t easily fix Eloise. He also needed to recognize that she was oppositional to any attempts at soothing. She would either deny that his suggestions would help or she would halfheartedly attempt them, then tearfully declare them fruitless. Eloise’s passive anger was expressed by her demeanor of hopelessness. She punished Craig by frustrating his attempts to comfort her. To counter this, he started encouraging her devotion to their dog, Princess (a kind of transitional object, which she could love without fear of disappointment). Additionally, he learned to avoid making direct suggestions that she could easily reject and instead make more helpful support and empathy proclamations.
▪ Enduring the “I hate you” part of BPD is perhaps the most formidable challenge to maintaining your relationship with your loved one. It is important to understand that the BP’s behavior is a symptom of his illness, developed as a mechanism to shield him from hurt. It is not entirely a debasement of you. Persevering through the assaults and knowing that they’re not all personal will help you through difficult times. Using the strategies exemplified here can help. And, finally, understanding that over time the anger will likely abate can grant you the patience you need to continue your loving relationship.
▪ In BPD, attitudes and temperament may transform in minutes. You may be bewildered by how rapidly and extremely the BP makes these changes. As he talks with you on his cell phone walking out of the office, he may reflect on how smart and accomplished he feels after receiving feedback on how well he handled the meeting. But when he gets to the car and sees he’s locked his keys inside, he begins cursing and banging on the car, pulling his hair, and screaming about how stupid he is.
Read
February 24, 2025Good strategies on how to calmly deal with bpd symptoms in a sympathetic and loving manner. Unfortunately it’s useless if the person doesn’t want to ✨help themselves✨. Tldr; don’t try to fix someone 💀💀
November 16, 2020
Book to read over and over again if you live with a BPD.
This is an illuminating book about ways we can better interact with the BPD in our lives. It starts with a helpful guide on how BPD is diagnosed, followed by examples of characteristic behaviors with fictional people and situations, all of which feels relatable. After each BP behavior, the author provides examples of what a non-BP loved one might act like and accidentally worsen the situation, and what one should do instead.
Kreisman's main strategy is applying the SET approach: support, empathy, truth.
The S (support) component is an “I” statement of concern and commitment. Support emphasizes your personal concern and desire to help. S statements include: “I am concerned about how you are feeling”; “I am worried about what is happening to you”; “I want to try to help.”
The E portion communicates empathy and is a “you” recognition. It acknowledges the anguish and conflicted feelings of the BP. Empathy should emphasize the BP’s experience, not yours. E statements might be: “This must be a terrible time for you”; “You must be feeling really desperate to resort to this”; “No one can imagine how painful this must be for you.”
T (truth) focuses on a realistic estimation of the situation and the BP’s primary responsibility in addressing these issues. Truth emphasizes that while others can contribute, the BP must be aware of his participation in predictable consequences. Support and empathy statements are subjective declarations.
I've learned a lot, e.g. that nothing is as important as always keeping calm, speaking slower and more quietly as the BPD's rage increases; never setting empty limits (e.g. I will have to move out if you hit me again) which you don't think you can carry out; not keeping it all to yourself but being open with trusted friends; stepping back and stalling for time when you find yourself in no-win situations; understanding that situations are black or white, and you are solely the idealized hero or the enemy depending on BPD's momentary feelings; probably needing to leave a romantic relationship if there's no improvement despite continuous support, also professional, and if you feel physically threatened.
However, I still feel confused about the last chapter - when it's good to stay or to fold. And while this is not the book's fault, it feels like a terminal diagnosis of not being able to be yourself in a romantic relationship with a BPD. Your emotions will always be number two. You're not allowed to lose your cool. You're on your own in difficult life situations. You will forever be a caretaker who can become the enemy at any moment. Although there is hope with therapy, recovery is incredibly difficult and can only happen if the BPD actually wants it and works towards it.
Some key quotes:
- "The BP craves relationships, yet constantly challenges those with whom he is in relationships. His sudden rage may erupt from the smallest provocation, blocking attempts at closeness. The BP’s fear of abandonment battles his fears of engulfment and distrust of closeness. Feelings of emptiness hinder intimacy. And the need for another to fill that emptiness may be all-consuming."
- "When you exhibit a flaw, you suddenly mutate into a despised villain. There is no gray area, no compromise—all is perfect or all is hopeless. Arguing is useless, as you end up repeating the same logic to someone who doesn’t comprehend it."
- "BPD may coexist with other illnesses, most commonly depression and anxiety."
- "Immediate feelings define an attitude. The snapshot emotion of what the BP feels right now determines her judgment"
- "Understanding this need to adhere to the victimization role makes it easier to shield yourself from absorbing projections of blame or guilt. Even when you do regret some of your responses, it is okay to not pile on more feeling bad about your reaction."
- "Emphasize that just surviving trauma is the first triumph. Further progress is even more admirable and contradicts the position that the BP is a hopeless victim."
- "You will need to resist being lured into the BP’s pessimism."
- "Don’t be discouraged from continuing those comforting statements. At some point they can break through the resentful barriers."
This is an illuminating book about ways we can better interact with the BPD in our lives. It starts with a helpful guide on how BPD is diagnosed, followed by examples of characteristic behaviors with fictional people and situations, all of which feels relatable. After each BP behavior, the author provides examples of what a non-BP loved one might act like and accidentally worsen the situation, and what one should do instead.
Kreisman's main strategy is applying the SET approach: support, empathy, truth.
The S (support) component is an “I” statement of concern and commitment. Support emphasizes your personal concern and desire to help. S statements include: “I am concerned about how you are feeling”; “I am worried about what is happening to you”; “I want to try to help.”
The E portion communicates empathy and is a “you” recognition. It acknowledges the anguish and conflicted feelings of the BP. Empathy should emphasize the BP’s experience, not yours. E statements might be: “This must be a terrible time for you”; “You must be feeling really desperate to resort to this”; “No one can imagine how painful this must be for you.”
T (truth) focuses on a realistic estimation of the situation and the BP’s primary responsibility in addressing these issues. Truth emphasizes that while others can contribute, the BP must be aware of his participation in predictable consequences. Support and empathy statements are subjective declarations.
I've learned a lot, e.g. that nothing is as important as always keeping calm, speaking slower and more quietly as the BPD's rage increases; never setting empty limits (e.g. I will have to move out if you hit me again) which you don't think you can carry out; not keeping it all to yourself but being open with trusted friends; stepping back and stalling for time when you find yourself in no-win situations; understanding that situations are black or white, and you are solely the idealized hero or the enemy depending on BPD's momentary feelings; probably needing to leave a romantic relationship if there's no improvement despite continuous support, also professional, and if you feel physically threatened.
However, I still feel confused about the last chapter - when it's good to stay or to fold. And while this is not the book's fault, it feels like a terminal diagnosis of not being able to be yourself in a romantic relationship with a BPD. Your emotions will always be number two. You're not allowed to lose your cool. You're on your own in difficult life situations. You will forever be a caretaker who can become the enemy at any moment. Although there is hope with therapy, recovery is incredibly difficult and can only happen if the BPD actually wants it and works towards it.
Some key quotes:
- "The BP craves relationships, yet constantly challenges those with whom he is in relationships. His sudden rage may erupt from the smallest provocation, blocking attempts at closeness. The BP’s fear of abandonment battles his fears of engulfment and distrust of closeness. Feelings of emptiness hinder intimacy. And the need for another to fill that emptiness may be all-consuming."
- "When you exhibit a flaw, you suddenly mutate into a despised villain. There is no gray area, no compromise—all is perfect or all is hopeless. Arguing is useless, as you end up repeating the same logic to someone who doesn’t comprehend it."
- "BPD may coexist with other illnesses, most commonly depression and anxiety."
- "Immediate feelings define an attitude. The snapshot emotion of what the BP feels right now determines her judgment"
- "Understanding this need to adhere to the victimization role makes it easier to shield yourself from absorbing projections of blame or guilt. Even when you do regret some of your responses, it is okay to not pile on more feeling bad about your reaction."
- "Emphasize that just surviving trauma is the first triumph. Further progress is even more admirable and contradicts the position that the BP is a hopeless victim."
- "You will need to resist being lured into the BP’s pessimism."
- "Don’t be discouraged from continuing those comforting statements. At some point they can break through the resentful barriers."
April 26, 2025
This book tries to give good examples of how to speak to someone with BPD.. but ultimately fails. A lot of the advice requires self-compromise; catering to the BPD’s bad behaviours. While I understand not continuously triggering and pushing a BPD in the middle of a meltdown, I don’t agree with a lot of the advice given in this book. Oftentimes, the response someone is advised to give is long winded and drawn out.. but in real life, someone with BPD (or even without, for that matter), wouldn’t let a person ramble on for 2 paragraphs explaining their response.
Also, the responses suggested also require a LOT of self awareness that many people don’t posess, or even if they do, is hard to access in the moment.
I appreciated the advice on planning and rehearsing, as well as being explicit in a boundary (truth) that would elicit a repercussion if not met. That said, a lot of the talk tracks given struck me as conversation that would trigger a BPD, not deescalate them.
I also found the book a bit misogynistic. For starters, it’s written by a man but read by a woman for Audible. Is this to make it more palatable? It tried to be forward thinking with its same sex examples, but a lot of the examples with women with BPD made them out to be hysterical with their male partners placating them, versus the males with BPD who had their female partners empowering them. There is also a quote from chapter 7 in an example of a woman with BPD responding irrationally: “when she complained about a bartender making lewd comments when she was out with friends, she become angry when Gil asked what she’d been wearing.” - she’s completely valid. Not a good example of a BPD reaction. Maybe Gil should stfu and not blame his gf’s clothing choice for the behaviour of other men.
Overall, not a super helpful book.
Also, the responses suggested also require a LOT of self awareness that many people don’t posess, or even if they do, is hard to access in the moment.
I appreciated the advice on planning and rehearsing, as well as being explicit in a boundary (truth) that would elicit a repercussion if not met. That said, a lot of the talk tracks given struck me as conversation that would trigger a BPD, not deescalate them.
I also found the book a bit misogynistic. For starters, it’s written by a man but read by a woman for Audible. Is this to make it more palatable? It tried to be forward thinking with its same sex examples, but a lot of the examples with women with BPD made them out to be hysterical with their male partners placating them, versus the males with BPD who had their female partners empowering them. There is also a quote from chapter 7 in an example of a woman with BPD responding irrationally: “when she complained about a bartender making lewd comments when she was out with friends, she become angry when Gil asked what she’d been wearing.” - she’s completely valid. Not a good example of a BPD reaction. Maybe Gil should stfu and not blame his gf’s clothing choice for the behaviour of other men.
Overall, not a super helpful book.
April 19, 2021
This is an excellent guide to dealing with someone with BPD. The first section is set up to help you understand what exactly BPD is and many of the traits of someone with that diagnosis. The rest of the book deals with communication styles and suggested ways to help manage your own emotions when dealing with a BPD person, and avoid escalating the emotions of the BPD person.
I was looking to help my husband understand his BPD brother better. This book is geared more towards people in a dating or marriage type situation, but there were enough scenarios in it that could apply to what he is dealing with, that I felt it was well worth the read.
The whiplash of emotions that seem to spin out of control in his brother as he tries to “care” for his aging mother are absolutely astounding. My husband and I are trying to make some sense of why this man absolutely is losing his mind and yelling at the assisted living caretakers with all the demands for his mother’s care.
This book nailed what is going on. He is struggling with the impending “abandonment” of his mother dying and also of his brother (and family.) No boundaries, other than staying away and not communicating, have worked for our kids, as he will show up and attack each of them if they come visit.
The author has given us some needed tools for dealing with this tortured soul. And hopefully, this will help my husband in his dealings with his brother throughout mom’s journey to heaven.
I was looking to help my husband understand his BPD brother better. This book is geared more towards people in a dating or marriage type situation, but there were enough scenarios in it that could apply to what he is dealing with, that I felt it was well worth the read.
The whiplash of emotions that seem to spin out of control in his brother as he tries to “care” for his aging mother are absolutely astounding. My husband and I are trying to make some sense of why this man absolutely is losing his mind and yelling at the assisted living caretakers with all the demands for his mother’s care.
This book nailed what is going on. He is struggling with the impending “abandonment” of his mother dying and also of his brother (and family.) No boundaries, other than staying away and not communicating, have worked for our kids, as he will show up and attack each of them if they come visit.
The author has given us some needed tools for dealing with this tortured soul. And hopefully, this will help my husband in his dealings with his brother throughout mom’s journey to heaven.
March 8, 2023
Relativ informatives Buch, dass eine kurze Übersicht über das Krankheitsbild gibt und eine gute Grundlage für Angehörige bildet.
Was mir allerdings negativ aufgefallen ist, ist, dass die aufgeführten Methoden dazu tendieren, die Angehörigen dazu zu motivieren, wie mit einem Kleinkind zu sprechen. Ich verstehe die Grundidee dahinter (SET-UP-Methode), aber würde mensch mir als 15-Jährige sagen „Ja, Jen. Du bist ganz schön groß geworden“, dann würde ich mich ziemlich sicher nicht ernst genommen fühlen. Das ist leider an vielen Stellen so. Dabei haben sich die aufgeführten Beispiele für mich nicht sonderlich realistisch angefühlt (und somit muss auch die erfolgversprechende Ausführbarkeit der Vorgehensweise infrage gestellt werden).
Darüber hinaus gab es noch ein bis zwei weitere Aussagen, die ich als sehr fragwürdig erachtet habe (z.B. Verharmlosung und/oder fehlendes Ernstnehmen), mir aber leider nicht markiert habe.
Mir ist es sehr wichtig anzumerken, dass der Titel im Deutschen Betroffene nur noch mehr Stigmen auferlegt und die Erkrankung ins Lächerliche zieht. Keine Ahnung, was sich die Zuständigen dabei gedacht haben und wie das allen Ernstes so veröffentlicht werden konnte.
Was mir allerdings negativ aufgefallen ist, ist, dass die aufgeführten Methoden dazu tendieren, die Angehörigen dazu zu motivieren, wie mit einem Kleinkind zu sprechen. Ich verstehe die Grundidee dahinter (SET-UP-Methode), aber würde mensch mir als 15-Jährige sagen „Ja, Jen. Du bist ganz schön groß geworden“, dann würde ich mich ziemlich sicher nicht ernst genommen fühlen. Das ist leider an vielen Stellen so. Dabei haben sich die aufgeführten Beispiele für mich nicht sonderlich realistisch angefühlt (und somit muss auch die erfolgversprechende Ausführbarkeit der Vorgehensweise infrage gestellt werden).
Darüber hinaus gab es noch ein bis zwei weitere Aussagen, die ich als sehr fragwürdig erachtet habe (z.B. Verharmlosung und/oder fehlendes Ernstnehmen), mir aber leider nicht markiert habe.
Mir ist es sehr wichtig anzumerken, dass der Titel im Deutschen Betroffene nur noch mehr Stigmen auferlegt und die Erkrankung ins Lächerliche zieht. Keine Ahnung, was sich die Zuständigen dabei gedacht haben und wie das allen Ernstes so veröffentlicht werden konnte.
October 8, 2019
An excellent guide to helping you communicate and deal wth a loved one who has been diagnosed with this disorder. It was very insightful and informative. Although everyone who has this probably presents differently with some symptoms being more dominant in some individuals than others, the general theme of mood swings is pretty consistent. I learned SET - support, empathy and truth is a very effective way to help discuss situations that arise. They need to be in that order and its not easy but these are key words to help you deal better with your loved one. I never knew what was wrong with our son until his diagnosis in his mid 30s. Although he's still difficult to deal with, at least now I understand him better and any tools I can learn help a lot.
February 9, 2020
A good lay-person book for anyone who needs effective strategies on how to interact with disordered people who use delusion as a coping strategy: narcissistic types, BPD (Borderline) and others. Kreisman focuses on the BP but the strategies work across a spectrum IMHO. I'll recommend to clients.
My complaint is he didn't spend enough time on what happens when the methods don't work after a span of time--you can't make someone get well--what it takes to 'walk away' and how one suffers to do so. It's really tough, especially since the disordered ones often reach out, believe you just hate them, continue to project their stuff onto you but are too blind to see what they're doing. Maybe that's for another book.
My complaint is he didn't spend enough time on what happens when the methods don't work after a span of time--you can't make someone get well--what it takes to 'walk away' and how one suffers to do so. It's really tough, especially since the disordered ones often reach out, believe you just hate them, continue to project their stuff onto you but are too blind to see what they're doing. Maybe that's for another book.
June 6, 2024
June 2024
Definitely going to read it again.
It's not a book or a story to read before you sleep or to pass time.
Due to the nature of this illness and how a misplaced sentence or expression can hurt the ones you love, It needs practice and discussions with an expert.
this book is like condensed therapeutic sessions. So it's way better to go to a therapist or support groups instead of just trying to repeat the instructions in it.
It's very helpful though in understanding how the other person feels when we say innocent stuff that are normal to other peoole but can really hurt and trigger your lived one.
I think the writer could've mentioned this and not sell it as a magical tool to turn over your relationship with a person with BPD.
Definitely going to read it again.
It's not a book or a story to read before you sleep or to pass time.
Due to the nature of this illness and how a misplaced sentence or expression can hurt the ones you love, It needs practice and discussions with an expert.
this book is like condensed therapeutic sessions. So it's way better to go to a therapist or support groups instead of just trying to repeat the instructions in it.
It's very helpful though in understanding how the other person feels when we say innocent stuff that are normal to other peoole but can really hurt and trigger your lived one.
I think the writer could've mentioned this and not sell it as a magical tool to turn over your relationship with a person with BPD.
January 10, 2021
As a college student with “quiet” BPD trying to find resources for my parents, this is a good albeit somewhat stereotypical presentation of the challenges people can face with those with BPD. I found the SET-UP concept to be really useful but the example scenarios seemed a bit extreme. Not everyone with BPD has been through trauma as the book mentions, and even if you have trauma and BPD the level of it is not always the same. If you’re looking for a BPD crash-course and realistic examples of ‘classical’ BPD, this is a good start but other online sources such as Emotions Matter or articles on PsychCentral or Psychology Today read less stereotyping.
January 2, 2022
In die Kunst mit einem Vulkan zu sprechen beschreibt Jerold J. Kreisman anschaulich und gespickt mit Beispielen, wie die Kommunikation von Menschen mit Borderline funktionieren kann. Insgesamt beleuchtet er die unterschiedlichen Aspekte der Borderline-Störung und versucht diese dem Leser einmal zu verdeutlichen und darzustellen, wie komplex es in solchen Menschen vor sich geht.
An dem Buch gefällt mir besonders, dass es einen Lernmehrwert hat ohne als ein Lehrbuch dar zustehen. Er erklärt die einzelnen Aspekte wie die Verlassenheitsängste anschaulich und bietet für alles ein passendes Beispiel indem das eben gelesene noch einmal an einer Alltagssituation dargestellt wird. Hierbei geht er auf alles eindrücklich ein und schafft ein Verständnis für beide Parteien der Kommunikation.
Vor allem die SET-UP Methode tritt immer wieder in den Mittelpunkt und umfasst ein Kapitel und wird auch immer wieder in den Beispielen angewandt um sich Stück für Stück darin zu üben und es zu verinnerlichen. Mir gefiel daran, dass einem mit dieser Methode eine klassische Kommunikationstechnik für den Umgang mit Borderlinern an die Hand gegeben wird ohne zu fachlisch zu wirken.
Insgesamt hat mir das Buch sehr gut gefallen und erhält auch volle fünf Sterne. Mir gefiel sein einfacher erklärender Schreibstil, seine anschaulichen Beispielen an den unterschiedlichsten Individuen und vor allem die unterschiedlichen Anwendungsweisen seiner Gesprächstechniken während des Buches.
An dem Buch gefällt mir besonders, dass es einen Lernmehrwert hat ohne als ein Lehrbuch dar zustehen. Er erklärt die einzelnen Aspekte wie die Verlassenheitsängste anschaulich und bietet für alles ein passendes Beispiel indem das eben gelesene noch einmal an einer Alltagssituation dargestellt wird. Hierbei geht er auf alles eindrücklich ein und schafft ein Verständnis für beide Parteien der Kommunikation.
Vor allem die SET-UP Methode tritt immer wieder in den Mittelpunkt und umfasst ein Kapitel und wird auch immer wieder in den Beispielen angewandt um sich Stück für Stück darin zu üben und es zu verinnerlichen. Mir gefiel daran, dass einem mit dieser Methode eine klassische Kommunikationstechnik für den Umgang mit Borderlinern an die Hand gegeben wird ohne zu fachlisch zu wirken.
Insgesamt hat mir das Buch sehr gut gefallen und erhält auch volle fünf Sterne. Mir gefiel sein einfacher erklärender Schreibstil, seine anschaulichen Beispielen an den unterschiedlichsten Individuen und vor allem die unterschiedlichen Anwendungsweisen seiner Gesprächstechniken während des Buches.
February 8, 2025
Lots of great tips in these pages but, the bottom line is that it’s A LOT of work maintaining a healthy relationship with someone suffering from BPD or other similar mental health disorders. Be prepared to consider whether that person is worth the effort and the physical, emotional, and mental strain that said person can potentially create in your life. A very personal choice to be sure. And it may be much easier to cut ties with a girlfriend with BPD than, say, a parent or teenaged son or daughter. This book also offers great examples of BPD behavior in case you aren’t sure.
May 12, 2025
This book was the first I read on personality disorders while desperately trying to clarify my sanity and seek help in saving the relationship with my wife by trying to grasp her behaviors. While I later discovered she’s NPD vs. BPD, and yes, there are a ton of overlapping traits between the two, this was the first confirmation for me that I wasn’t crazy or delusional about how I perceived things. The book offers many tips for communicating better and provides advice on more appropriate ways to manage situations. This book is excellent for those just starting their research on personality disorders and seeking a way to save their relationship (if possible). It offers comfort when learning that your thoughts about the relationship or questions you may have been second-guessing yourself are valid.
February 21, 2023
Helpful strategies for difficult conversations where your goal is to preserve the relationship and work through some heightened emotions. Appreciated the reminder that you can support and validate someone's emotional experience while disagreeing with their actions and preserving your own boundaries.
October 22, 2023
Very harmful book in my opinion, gives some good advice but overall seems to put the responsibility of bad behavior on the person who is not afflicted with BPD. No discussion of healthy boundaries or even the bare minimum of expecting respectful discussions. Not a good book in my opinion for anyone who's dealing with this disorder in their lives.
June 29, 2022
While I see the obvious intention, when you read it for the advice when dealing with any more volatile person you really see the utility of it all. It's important and won't be perfect but it's necessary for cohabitating with people of different mental statuses than you.
August 4, 2022
The basics in this book are excellent! I did however feel that, especially as the parent of an adult child who was misdiagnosed for a long time, the ideas of how and when to communicate were simplified. Again if you are new to BPD, this is a must read.
April 6, 2024
This was so eye opening. I’ve been approaching communication with those with BPD incorrectly and see where a different approach may have contributed to better conflict resolution. This left me with questions answered as well as much to consider.
December 30, 2018
Good practical advice and examples of how to have real conversations.
August 12, 2019
The examples really help the reader understand and recognize the symptoms. It is written respectfully, therefore it could be helpful to both caregivers and the person with BPD themselves.
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