Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect

by Matthew D. Lieberman

In Social, renowned psychologist Matthew Lieberman explores groundbreaking research in social neuroscience, revealing that our need to connect with other people is even more fundamental, more basic, than our need for food or shelter. Because of this, our brain uses its spare time to learn about the social world-other people and our relation to them. It is believed that we must commit 10,000 hours to master a skill. According to Lieberman, each of us has spent 10,000 hours learning to make sense of people and groups by the time we are ten. Social argues that our need to reach out to and connect with others is a primary driver behind our behavior. We believe that pain and pleasure alone guide our actions. Yet, new research using fMRI-including a great deal of original research conducted by Lieberman and his UCLA lab-shows that our brains react to social pain and pleasure in much the same way as they do to physical pain and pleasure. Fortunately, the brain has evolved sophisticated mechanisms for securing our place in the social world. We have a unique ability to read other people's minds, to figure out their hopes, fears, and motivations, allowing us to effectively coordinate our lives with one another. And our most private sense of who we are is intimately linked to the important people and groups in our lives. This wiring often leads us to restrain our selfish impulses for the greater good. These mechanisms lead to behavior that might seem irrational, but is really just the result of our deep social wiring and necessary for our success as a species. Based on the latest cutting edge research, the findings in Social have important real-world implications. Our schools and businesses, for example, attempt to minimalize social distractions. But this is exactly the wrong thing to do to encourage engagement and learning, and literally shuts down the social brain, leaving powerful neuro-cognitive resources untapped. The insights revealed in this pioneering book suggest ways to improve learning in schools, make the workplace more productive, and improve our overall well-being.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Science, Neuroscience, Sociology, Self Help, Audiobook

385 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2013

Reviews

[Gretchen Rubin]

A compelling examination of how our relationships with other people have a tremendous influence over the way our brains work.

[Orsolya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Humans are naturally social animals (yes, even those who are anti-social). The question is: why? Is it simply to forward our population? Or is there more to it? Professor and award-winning neuroscientist Matthew D. Lieberman looks at this astounding but rather new field in “Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect”.

Lieberman begins “Social” with a basic overview of his thesis as he sets out to prove that the brain feels social pain in the same way as physical, that social thinking is a separate mental process from, say, a math problem (versus being a topic switch), and that social thinking is a “default network” being crucial beyond evolution. With that being said, “Social” is not too basic or oversimplified like most other social neuroscience books and focuses more on the science side making it a meatier read but still processing humor and style attracting an average reader (although it can be admittedly overwhelming, at times).

“Social” is amazingly compelling and applies to everyone, everywhere; allowing the reader to think in terms of science, biology, evolution, neuroscience, philosophy, and psychology. It leaves the reader with notes/highlights which beg to be shared in daily conversation. Lieberman explores insightful topics and dives into the brain in a memorable way. One will analyze future social interactions after reading the book.

The major highlight of “Social” is the large collection of primary research conducted by Lieberman and his colleagues. This is much more credible and impressive than the other recently-released social science/neuroscience books which basically explain outdated, secondary research. Lieberman’s first-hand examinations apply to current affairs/trends such as social media websites like Facebook. On the other hand, there are questionable moments where Lieberman mentions studies also demonstrated in other books but analyzed differently and applied to support his views. This makes one question all scientists!

“Social” is supplemented by various charts/diagrams/illustrations which aides the reader in gaining a visual, helping to break overly-educational sections. In fact, Lieberman successfully maintains the pace but breaks each chapter into manageable topics.

The biggest qualm with “Social” is that although Lieberman demonstrates with clarity how our brains are wired to be social and even when; he doesn’t truly convince of the why in the book’s title. Lieberman continuously mentions that there is more to being social than just procreating but he doesn’t genuinely explain his thoughts on it. Or, if he does, it clearly is not well detailed because the reader has a difficult time remembering.

There are moments when Lieberman seemingly weakens on a tangent but then reins the reader in explaining the connections. This shows the accessibility of “Social” and the impact of Lieberman’s thesis. Plus, the other topics are compelling in their own right.

Respectfully, Lieberman doesn’t merely present biased views only supporting his thesis. He also features studies from opposing camps, giving “Social” a well-rounded argument and upping the knowledge ante. This not only strengthens “Social” as a whole, but also gives more merit to Lieberman as a scientist.

Although minor, a noticeable annoyance was Lieberman’s habit of mentioning his wife and son in a way which was clearly a “shout-out”. Although this may be romantic for his wife, it comes off as unprofessional for a reader seeking science.

The final quarter of “Social” strays slightly from the primary science but applies what has been learned to Lieberman’s ideas on how we can use our brain’s natural propensity to socialize in jobs, education, and organizational structures. Sadly, even though these ideas are intriguing, well-argued, and do convince the reader to readjust views; they are also too grandiose for society to ever implore (not saying they wouldn’t be beneficial, though). The Epilogue sums up the ideas in the book and also discusses the future of the field; truly solidifying how much we still have left to learn about the brain regardless of how ‘modern’ we are.

Lieberman combines notes with sources but the listings are extensive which adds to his credibility. However, taking away from that, is his thanking of “colleague Jonah Lehrer”, which would have been best avoided as Lehrer is the author whose (not one, but two) books have been removed from shelves and ceased publication due to plagiarism.

Overall, “Social” processes some weaknesses and also fails to prove that brains are wired to be social for any other reason than the bettering of cooperation and society (which was its aim: to show more). On the other hand, “Social” is well-written, extremely compelling, teaches a wealth of knowledge, and encourages the reader to view life differently. It is much better than most of the social neuroscience books I have read and thus, is recommended for those interested in how the brain (and in essence, “we”) work.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I got to the passage explaining how Tylenol works as effectively on emotional pain as it does physical pain, I actually said "Wow" out loud. There are many such "wow" out loud passages in this book. Lieberman (and his colleagues, all of whom he generously mentions) has conducted quietly revolutionary research on humanity's need for social connections and he explains, clearly and in a manner accessible to laypersons, how our human brains are built to crave emotional bonds with others and how that craving has helped us evolve. His research is impressive, his writing is engaging, his findings are illuminating, and the subject is fascinating. This is an important book which will make the reader (at least it made this reader) appreciate the necessity of human connection.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Confession - I didn't finish this book, but I marked it as read!

The thing is, I quit reading it because of me, not because of the book (classic "its not you its me" speech!). This book is well-written and interesting, even fascinating. But I'm just not super interested in reading about the science of brains.

I picked this one up because I was preaching a sermon on the Trinity and thus studying how humans are relational. Since God-as-Trinity demonstrates that God is inherently relational (God exists as a relation of Father, Son and Spirit from forever) than it makes sense that the universe ought to show relationships as vital. Apparently, as Liberman shows, we humans are wired to connect. Relationships are vitally important. He even turns Maslow's hierarchy on its head, saying relationships are as basic as food and water since infants cannot feed themselves. In other words, without relationship from the start, humans would die. Evolution, Lieberman argues, favored social connections.

I read about 1/3 of the book. I preached the sermon, even used a quote from the author. There's a lot more here and I'm sure I'd find it fascinating. But...I'd rather finish the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. And learn more about the Enneagram. Then read the pile of books I have which are mostly fiction and history. I'm just not a science person. That is, I like science. I'm glad vaccines exist and I find learning a bit of science, like this book, helpful. But beyond "wow, science increasingly shows how relational humans are and here are two reasons why," I am not really interested. I'm not interested in reasons 3-15.

So if you are someone interested in science, check this one out. If you are a person of faith who likes to see how the findings of science intersect, maybe check this one out too.

Who knows, maybe someday I'll run out of books, and money to buy new books, and finish this one. But for now...book six of the Dark Tower series is calling...so farewell.

[Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance · Rating 3 out of 5]

Have you ever read a book about something you were deeply interested in and finished it and thought you somehow now knew less about something than when you first started the book?

That’s how I feel after finishing this book.

I usually read a nonfiction book and take notes as I read. I tried to do that with this book, but found that when I got to the end of the book I hadn’t written a single thing down.

I’m not sure that I really understood anything in the book.

(I reveal these things with honesty and some trepidation. I want to assure you that I’m a fairly astute reader of all-things-psychological; my master’s degree is in psychology. Nevertheless, this book was over my head.)

[Tam · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lieberman presents an interesting argument about how human brain is wired to be social, it is a matter of survival as well as a great advantage that differentiate man and other beings in the animal kingdom.

I find the evidence (experiments) in the book rather fascinating, especially the finding that the brain region related to making sense of social world is turned on active automatically from time to time. I didn't realize that getting into others' mind is such a great achievement, it is taken so much for granted. Some efforts to explain autism and Asperger related are interesting too. Other experiments about how the brain perceive physical pain and mental pain might be of interest to some readers, too, though it is not surprising as we have come to accept that, say, depression can be treated/alleviated by medication. The rest aren't exactly new.

What I am uncomfortable with, however, is the stretch of conclusion that the author likes to make. The evidence that he presents does prove the importance of the social function that revolution has accumulated for human, how it intervenes with other functions, but it does not tell a cohesive and complete picture yet about how people deal (consciously and unconsciously) with social life itself. Yet he, quite a romantic scientist, attempts to give advice exactly on the latter, suggesting several changes in the education system, the work environment, and advice on how we lead our life. The crux is (a good idea) to take care of your social needs, but the method, by being more sociable - that, I was uncomfortable with, being an introvert myself (and content with that).

So many things are incomplete. People tend to conform to society, yes. People's sets of beliefs are often unconsciously formed by the environment that they live in, yes, that's true too. The way Lieberman writes makes it seem that men are generally helpless against the the brain and its wish to be harmonious with other members of the society. On the larger scale, how would one explain revolution, the emergence and spread of new and radical ideas, the opposite of conformation? And then, on a smaller scale, how would one explain the calmness of a mature person who, of course, still cares about how some others feel, but just some loved ones and not the whole abstract society? That's still a happy life, no doubt. There are smaller and still meaningful ways to lead a happier life. Being well informed enough, we can do something about it, accept the limit but also push the boundary a little bit and see how it goes.


I never have this type of criticism with Kahneman's book, since Kahneman focuses primarily on the scientific findings and only makes some careful and practical suggestion on how we deal with and accept the limitation of our brain: little habits to change/form to boost performance, to deal with nervousness, depression, to make better decision, that kind of thing. This one, however, strives too much to be profound. It gathers scattered findings and tries to weave a story out of it, but honestly, it doesn't work like that. Usually one starts with a question and studies all aspects of it in depth, minimizing the gaps in logic, or if there are, admit and be aware of them.

[Martha Love · Rating 5 out of 5]

SOCIAL: WHY OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED TO CONNECT by Matthew D. Lieberman.

The author, Matthew D. Lieberman, presents and well defends his theory that human beings neurologically have a predisposition to be “social” and this has shaped the evolution of the species toward becoming more and more socially connected.

I recommend this book to students of life, educators, psychologists, and parents of young beautiful minds. This is an important book! Why, because it explains “us” and our true human nature to be social (in need of connecting to each other) and it emphasizes what the importance of recognizing this could mean to our further development and well-being. Lieberman turns many traditional psychological concepts and theories of what motivates us as human beings around and upside down. For instance, he presents and supports the idea that our more social psychological needs are actually more important to satisfy first than our biological needs, with the biological needs depending on the satisfying of the most basic social need first. His example of this inverts Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and suggests that the most fundamental human need for the helpless newborn infant is social connection, first needing a caregiver to help him/her satisfy basic biological needs. If we acknowledge this innate need to be socially connected, Lieberman suggests where we could be headed as a species in a positive and more successful manner in education. And with the awareness of this innate social need, it is worth noting that he gives educators a workable blueprint to consider in reorienting priorities in teaching communications.

This is a very readable book! While reading this book, I felt like I was listening to everyone's favorite psychology professor explain some very complex subject matter (including neurological studies) and as I read, I was sitting on the edge of my seat with excitement and enjoying the comedy he entertained us with in his examples. I think he does a superb job of presenting studies in both social psychology and neuroscience to support his theory.

I would like to disclose that I acquired this book as a "first reads" winner and do thank the author for his generosity.

Martha Char Love
author of What's Behind Your Belly Button? A Psychological Perspective of the Intelligence of Human Nature and Gut Instinct and
Increasing Intuitional Intelligence: How the Awareness of Instinctual Gut Feelings Fosters Human Learning, Intuition, and Longevity

[Graeme Newell · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s rare to uncover a book about brain science that has a sense of humor. I really enjoyed this book and learned a lot. I learned about the curious ways that evolution, our devilishly clever master builder, has crafted the human brain to maximize our chances of survival. It’s all about sociability.

After reading this book I thank God for wonderful things such as guilt, shame, ostracism, revenge and clannishness. Why? Because these negative social traits are proof of our most powerful survival tactic - caring about what others think of us. It made possible game-changing human apps like big brains, language, delegation of labor, domestication of animals and agriculture.

When voting, most people don’t tend to cast their ballot for laws that optimize their own self-interest, instead, they tend to vote for policies espoused by their tribe, even if those policies hurt that particular individual. For example, a lot of rich people vote for higher taxes to help the poor. Synchronicity with our tribe is often more powerful than our own gratification. That’s one mighty force.

Leiberman shows how sociality became the mechanism that assured human groups did not suffer because of the selfishness of individuals. Taking all the candy from the bowl would benefit the individual, but not the group. So mother nature has hardwired our brains to feel bad when we don’t leave some candy for others. Just try cutting the line at the supermarket and you’ll be greeted with universal contempt. Evolution has crafted our brains to take great joy in punishing narcissistic behavior.

For most of us, we don’t even need others to shame us. We do it ourselves. And this is what assures the tribe does not falter because of runaway individual indulgence. One of the most fiendish tortures invented by the penal system is solitary confinement, which does nothing more than deny the brain’s need for social interaction.

Leiberman reveals fascinating facts and the latest research on the subtle ways we are relentlessly driven to seek the approval of others. He shows how so much of this is subconscious and happens automatically throughout our day.

Leiberman does a great job of aggregating the best research stories and shares revealing insights into how these social behaviors are the quintessential catalyst for humanity’s daily rhythms and greatest achievements.

I leave this book with a greater appreciation and understanding of how caring for each other is one of the most powerful drivers of the human experience.

[Fateme H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

واقعا از خوندنش خوشحالم. چیزهای جدید، جالب و متفاوتی بهم یاد داد و بعضی بخش‌هاش واقعا شگفت‌انگیز بود.
نکته‌ی مثبت دیگه‌ش این بود که صرفا توصیفی نبود، یعنی این‌جوری نبود که یه سری حقیقت، مشکل یا مسئله رو توضیح بده و تمام؛ بلکه هرجا لازم بود راه‌حل ارائه داده بود و پیشنهاد داده بود.
واقعا نویسنده چه‌قدر زحمت کشیده بود! چه‌قدر پژوهش و بالا و پایین کردن مسائل و... خیلی وقت و انرژی صرف رسیدن به نتایج کرده بود.
کتاب هم تا حد خیلی خوبی، روان بود. خود آقای لیبرمن تو بخش آخر گفت تلاشش این بوده که مثل یه رمان بنویسه و نه مثل یه مقاله علمی و به نظرم از پسش بر اومده بود. قطعا به فراخور موضوع قرار نیست کاملا عین یک رمان باشه، ولی خب تا جایی که ممکن بود، این نتیجه حاصل شده بود.

[Abdullah Diab · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good source of information, a real guide into the social layer of our brains, and the inner-wiring of our massive brain. I enjoyed reading it a lot, full of great ideas, well organised, many resources, well linked to papers and researches it's based upon.

The author did a very nice job in writing it, simplifying (as much as possible) the explanations, although sometimes the names of the different parts of the brain will give your brain a headache, but it's manageable and you'd get around those weird names (if you don't come from a medical background like me).

It opened my eye (brain eyes) to many aspects of our lives and to the hidden social feature in each and every one of them, how we are wired to be social from the day we're born, how parents respond to their children's needs, how we have a mind-reading part of our brain to help us put ourselves in someone else's shoes, the big shock that most of what we believe to be personal attributes and personal beliefs are actually input we took from the world we live in and claimed them to be ours, the way we see our selves and what is the definition of the self even, how our minds control our behaviour and thinking to ensure that we merge well into the society we live in, how being a social being affects our daily work-life, how we can look at education from another perspective, all these points and more are really great to know about, they will surely play a great part of my life ahead, and how I look at things and how I treat people and maybe raise my kids.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Liebermann argues that our social needs are one of the primary drives of our behavior. In this book, he cites several new studies using fMRI that show our behavior is influenced by much more than pain and reward. He begins by discussing the evolution of the social brain, explains how altruism is favored over selfish behavior, then gives an overview of the current studies done on mirror neurons. Readers who have already read V.S Ramachandran’s books and Marco Iacoboni’s book, “Mirroring People” will have already been familiar with most of this information. Further on, he briefly discusses the social deficits in autism and the effects of social isolation on anxiety and depression (not much new info there). The last part of the book addresses the problematic environments in schools and workplaces that discourage socializing which he believes ultimately inhibits learning and harms productivity. He makes a few suggestions on how to improve these environments; however, they’re unlikely to ever be implemented anywhere.

Overall, the book was well-written and very accessible, although most of the material was pretty familiar to me. I’d recommend this to anyone interested in the subject that doesn’t already have several shelves full of psychology and neuroscience books.

[Regan Norris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating perspective that argues strongly for relocating social needs as the bedrock of Maslow's pyramid--a central fact of our lives, from the brain out, rather than optional "needs." Lieberman makes a slew of connections between social psychology, biology, economics and political science, full of familiar academic and cultural references. I hope in future research he looks at how wiring for sensitivity/insensitivity (both have complementary value to society) and introversion/extroversion (which are innate temperamental orientations) relate to larger findings about social needs and the benefits of orienting our cultural and economic structures to better meet those needs. It also poses questions for me about how natural inclinations towards collectivism are, and how much increasing rates of anxiety and depression are fueled by a culture/society that actively cuts off avenues for meeting social needs, particularly in the anti-collectivist US.

[Morgan Blackledge · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book is ambitious. It covers an immense amount of ground. Way to many interesting ideas than I feel like listing or summarizing at present.

The author Mathew Lieberman has a TEDX talk that essentially summarizes the book. Google:The Social Brain And Its Superpowers : Matthew Lieberman, Ph.D. at TEDxStLouis.

WARNING: the talk is actually much less exciting than the book. Lieberman is a fantastic, engaging and quite persuasive writer, and the book is extremely well crafted. There were more than a few times that I had to put the book aside and process the flood of insights and ideas I was having as a result of reading Lieberman's words.

This is a really good book. I'm definitely going to read it again and give it a closer study next time around. I think there's something for just about everyone in it.

[Atila Iamarino · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adorei a leitura. Achei que fosse um tema batido, mas a perspectiva do autor e a maneira como o conteúdo é amarrado foi excelente. Algumas noções foram redundantes em relação a livros que também citam o trabalho do Daniel Kahneman, mas vale pela abordagem em relação ao comportamento social. Em especial o paralelo com o Stumbling on Happiness e a noção de felicidade trazida muito mais pela realização social do que por dinheiro.

[Janne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Social is a book for anyone who wants to understand human beings and minds a lot better. It’s essentially a research backed argument about how human social mind affects our life i.e.: behavior, learning and quality of life.

As a book it helped me to better understand my mind as well as the minds of others. I found tremendous value also understanding how the human mind learns better when it is socially motivated (i.e. learning to teach others rather than just to learn by itself).

I warmly recommend to anyone who wants to understand humans, human mind or learn about our social nature, 4½.

[Michael Huang]

A collection of perhaps familiar arguments and classic experiments on why social connections are important part of individual lives: emotional pain due to social rejection/isolation is as real as physical pain (they trigger the same brain area); self control is good for you (Marshmallow experiment) but also good for social cohesion; etc.

[Compleja e Incómoda TEPTC · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simplemente hermoso! Un excelente libro que fue más allá de mis expectativas.
La propuesta de conexión, mentalización y armonía como la base del factor social humano es tan precisa que no paro de verla en mi día a día.
Que se tome el dolor físico y el social de igual manera fue mi parte favorita. La comprensión de que los "dolores" comunitarios nos pueden impactar incluso peor que una pierna rota o el hambre me parece necesario para actualizar los incentivos y programas laborales, educativos y más.

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable and fascinating read. Lieberman presents several key concepts of the 'social brain,' weaving together research in the fields of neuroscience, psychology and sociology with historical and economic context, along with personal anecdotal evidence. Whereas I found undergraduate neuroscience coursework to be tedious at times, Lieberman is deeply talented in engaging his audience. I actually looked forward to seeing his diagrams of various regions of the brain and neural systems related with specific types of social cognition.

Topics include the relationship between social pain and physical pain, the neural circuitry of empathy, potential explanations of altruism, the benefits of 'social learning' and neural plasticity/memory, autism, internalization of the panoptic-gaze and self-regulation/self-control, and social rewards as surpassing financial rewards in terms of absolute happiness.

Definitely recommend to those who have at least an elementary understanding of the brain, and are interested in learning more about it. This book is relevant, thought-provoking and very well-written.

[Jacquelyn Fusco · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seems well researched and well-explained. Very important and interesting topic. I love the last chapter on how to change education so that it's more effective. I struggled to pay attention and retain information in school and I think I would have benefited greatly from teachers engaging my social brain more.
I feel like I learned a little more about neurology too- makes me feel smart :)
I think this research has all sorts of interesting & important applications. The author touches on some of them and delves slightly deeper into the workplace & education.
Very engaging, persuasive, and easy to read book. Great.

Also, he wrote a great Acknowledgements section. I always like reading those and love it when they're more than just a list of names. This one is right up there with Chris Hayes' from Twilight of the Elites and Melissa Harris-Perry's from Sister Citizen. Aside from the gratitude, he mentions that he made a point of reading fiction while writing this book, to nudge his mind into writing more like a novelist and a little less like an academic.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really tried to enjoy this book, but it just fell short of its mark.
The author continually cites evolution for the reason our brains are "wired to connect," but never gave any real reasons. I would have liked a little of an anthropological perspective, or some evidence of why our brains have changed over time, rather than just "evolution made us this way."
I finally gained some interest around the tenth chapter (there are twelve in total) and will admit to using some of the information in conversation with friends and family. But all in all, I still don't really think I know why we are social beings.

I received this book for free as part of the Goodreads First Reads program.

[Hans · Rating 4 out of 5]

Confirmed a lot of what I already believed about humans and our genetic pre-dispositions toward sociability. Most fascinating is how psychological pain from social anguish looks the exact same as physical pain in FMRI scans. That alone should illustrate how important our social relationships are to our brains. It also shows why, as humans, we spend so much time reflecting on our relationships, like stories about relationships, care about our status, our reputation etc.

Our intense focus on our Sociability is likely what gave birth to human civilization and our ability to organize ourselves into supra-groups.

[عبدالرحمن عقاب · Rating 4 out of 5]

كتاب social يحمل فكرة عميقة وتصور دقيق لهذا الكائن الإجتماعي. وإن تكن صورة الإنسان ككائن اجتماعي ليست جديدة البتةإلا أن إثبات هذه الصورة ورسمها من خلال الشبكة العصبية هو الجديد قطعا.
تعرض فصول الكتاب صورة داخلية للإنسان الاجتماعي تثير الدهشة والإعجاب بصنع الله الخالق الذي أتقن خلقه و أيضا تثير المخاوف من فشل ذلك التصور المصطنع والمثالي للإنسان ككائن آلي منطقي .
أعيب على الكتاب بعض أسلوبه الذي يخلو من جمتلية العرض .
وأظن أن ما عرضه الكتاب من فكرة عن الإنسان الإجتماعي بالضرورة سيشكل نواة لمشاريع علمية لاحقة إن شاء الله.

[Kevin McAllister · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ok we all know humans are social; that's why the punishment prisoners dread most is solitary confinement. But what the author of Social makes clear by the use of fascinating and detailed examples, is just how social we really are. It shapes just about everything that we do or want to do. A very interesting read.

[Ed · Rating 5 out of 5]

Splendid, well written, interesting and insightful look at what neuroscience is telling us about how connected we are to each other. We are a profoundly social species and should bear that in mind in how we construct our organizations, educate our children and pretty much everything else. I enjoyed this book very much and it is on the re-read soon pile

[Susanna Testi · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best book I have read. High value content based on scietific research on our brain and how fundamental social interaction is for us. I would put 6 starts if I could.

[Tiago F · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've always wanted a book about the sociality of human beings but wasn't sure which to get. I didn't know the author at all but given that he is the founder of social neuroscience, I figured it can't get any better than that.

There are a few key ideas that are emphasized throughout the book. One is that social thinking, while it feels to us like everyday thinking, it is in fact a completely separate cognitive process. Thinking about your friend compared to thinking about your phone are distinct cognitive processes with different underlying brain areas.

While social and non-social thinking is thought to be similar but in reality differ, regarding pain it is the opposite. We think that physical pain, like cutting your finger, is completely different than psychological or emotional pain - like arguing with your partner. In fact, they are the same. They active the exact same brain areas.

This is likely because social interaction requires a sort of reward/punishment system, and evolution used the one we already have for physical pain. This goes deeper than you might assume. Social animals including humans suffer from separation distress. Yet, that separation distress can be reduced with morphine.

This idea of social pain being equated with physical pain was one of the main aspects of the book and what gave a big kick-start to the field of social neuroscience, somewhat pioneered by Matthew himself. This was first shown in his study where people were playing a video game where each avatar was throwing balls at each other, but the "other people" were in fact just programmed bots, which stopped throwing the ball back after a while.

Participants that were the most distressed about the situation were also the ones that had greater right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (dACC) activity recorded by fMRI. This matched a previous study they did about physical pain, which activated the same area. Furthermore, also in both studies, the dACC activity was inversely correlated with prefrontal activity.

The dACC seems to act as an alarm system. If you're experiencing physical pain, something is wrong that you should attend to. Social pain works exactly in the same way. Because we are social by nature, if you experience social pain it's because something is wrong with your social interactions or social environment.

Something that surprised me was the role of the default mode network (DMN) in social cognition. I was familiar with the DMN from simply being the "ego" network when one is not actively engaging with anything, and often associated with depression since people tend to ruminate on their own thoughts. A lot of evidence was presented that is highly associated with social cognition, even in 2-week old babies.

The end of the book is less technical, and some more practical lessons that he takes from the field. I really enjoyed this and I think almost anyone would find it very insightful. I was particularly impressed by his take on education, which constantly tries to shut down children's and teenager's innate social drive. Most people can tell that this is an uphill battle, and he suggests some witty ways to change the system in order to be more productive. I don't know if it will actually work in practice, but it's certainly worth trying.


At times the book wasn't easy to follow. Not in the sense of having technical jargon, but it does require some effort to follow the trail of thought. Especially given that the experiments were described in detail. In my opinion, this is how a perfect non-fiction book should be, and many books often don't describe the evidence leading to their claims. However, I listened to it on Audible and this aspect backfired on me. I expected it to be an easier book and there were many parts where I wasn't as focused as I should. I don't want to give the impression it's a hard book, it isn't, but it's much better in physical format.

The only thing I disliked was that the book is rather long and it seemed it would never end. While the main topic is social neuroscience, he is not afraid to go on tangents, as long as there is something relating it back to human sociality. In one sense this makes the book more comprehensive, but to me that made it tedious at times.

However, I still think it's an incredible book and certainly worth getting if you're interested in psychology. Especially if you have never read anything on the topic. All the core ideas I described here weren't new for me, but the knowledge was rather superficial. I know have a much better understanding of it which shouldn't be underestimated. Just make sure to go with a physical copy and not Audible like me!

[Library of · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed this one. Summary below. More "Briefs" like this -> www.libraryof.xyz

The book is written by the American professor Matthew Lieberman and is based on the latest in neuroscience. The main thesis is that our brains are socially programmed – our main goal is to “connect” with other people. It is even more important than our own interests. Lieberman sees shortcomings in Maslow’s ladder of needs and does not believe that social well-being is at the ‘icing on the cake’ level – it is as important as food and shelter.

“If we keep eyes open for it, we will see plenty of behaviors that we can’t quite square with self-interest as the sole motivator in our lives. We have failed to understand them because we have failed to fully understand what kind of beings we are”

DEFAULT MODE = SOCIAL. When we are not actively involved in something, our thought activity enters a social default state. Then we almost always think of ourselves, of other people or how we interact with them. The explanation for this is in human evolution. The human brain reached its present size about 200,000 years ago. Being socially inclined was vital for survival and reproduction. Evolution has thus programmed us to be social.

“To the extent that we can characterize evolution as designing our modern brains, this is what our brains were wired for: reaching out to and interacting with others. These social adaptations are central to making us the most successful species on earth.”

WE ARE NOT CREATED TO ”FIND OURSELVES”. During human history, a life has been divided into three phases; first we are children and are taken care of, then we become adults and take care of and finally we become old and again are taken care of. Historically, there have been no gaps between the phases. But in today’s society, we have a time period of 5-20 years where we only focus on ourselves – “soul searching” or “finding oneself”. However, this is not something we are programmed to be able to do and thus are not very successful with.

SOCIAL PAIN = PHYSICAL PAIN. Lieberman has together with research colleagues studied how we are affected by social pain. With MRI scans, they have been able to compare how our brain is affected by social and physical pain. The result was that we can feel as bad about being alone or going through a divorce as we can about breaking a leg. Our brain processes social pain in the same way it processes physical pain. Mother Theresa, who witnessed people in the worst possible life circumstances, said that “a life without other people is the worst disease any human being can ever experience”.

” We don’t expect someone with a broken leg to “just get over it”. And yet when it comes to the pain of social loss, this is a common response.”

SOCIAL INVESTMENTS. Lieberman believes that one of the easiest things we can do to improve our lives is to strengthen our social relationships. It is both cheap, easy and nice. All we need to do is set aside a little more time for that. Time that we get back many times over in the form of increased well-being and higher productivity at work. Studies have shown that a person with a good social life but who is a heavy smoker is happier than a single person in top health. For well-being, it is better to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day than to be alone.

MORE SOCIAL = MORE CLEAR-MINDED. The more weight we give to our social lives, the higher our quality of life will be. And with a higher quality of life comes more clarity. By secreting a lot of dopamine in our relaxed “default mode”, we increase the efficiency of our prefrontal cortex during working hours.

STRONG DISCIPLINE = A GOOD LIFE. Good self-control is a strong cornerstone for a good life. Those with good self-control usually have higher incomes, higher credit scores, better health and a better social life. This has to do with how they interact with the world around them. When we are stressed about something external, it is not the thing itself that stresses us, but how we choose to let it affect us. If you can control yourself how you face adversity, you are well on your way to a satisfied life. The Japanese author Haruki Murakami has summed it up in “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ”

[Leonidas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full Review: Social: Why Are We Wired To Connect Review

Pain and pleasure controls us in everything we say, think, or do. But, why do we feel pain when we are left out?

Does pain encourage us to stop feeling left out, and start connecting?

Well, yes it does.

In fact, our brains are designed to be influenced by everything around us. We are designed to learn our beliefs and values from the outside world, so that we feel normal, and part of the group.

In fact, our default brain patterns when we don’t NEED TO think about anything, is to think about ‘people, oneself, and the relation of oneself to other people.’ This is called ‘social cognition’ (thinking socially).

Stopped thinking about math? No more project or work related thoughts? You go right back to thinking socially. That’s our default brain mode. It’s like a reflex. Our brain prefers it.

Keep in mind, our basic motivations are very simple, and evolved from reptiles a long time ago. The motivations are the 4 F’s: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and fooling around.

But at the top level, your brain (specifically the ‘prefrontal cortex’) is a learning computer. You can load up almost any software program or app you want. You can basically learn almost any skill, you want. You can be as capable, able, or smart as you want to be.

But evolutionarily speaking, ‘the smartest among us are actually those with the best social skills.’

More importantly, humans are not ALL innovators, or revolutionaries. Instead, a small few find a problem, and ultimately create a solution by copying or from following instructions. For example, a TAX app that let’s you do your taxes at home; only a few people solved the problem, but it solves a problem for ALL of us.

As a side note, a fellow named Dunbar said that you and I can only really maintain 150 relationships effectively before it really starts to get overwhelming.

But the reason we have large brains? To be able to manage 150 relationships.

After all, we start building these relationships immediately upon entering the world. While traditional sociology says that our basic needs are food, water, and shelter… this is not the case for infants. Instead ‘being socially connected’ is most important, because without social support, the infant or child dies before becoming an adult who can provide for themselves.

More interestingly, baby monkeys would cling to other things that ‘felt’ like real monkeys, rather than mechanical objects that actually ‘provided’ food. We crave something that feels like social connection.

It hurts, after all, to feel left out. It’s actually painful. But just like real pain, you can take Tylenol for this emotional pain. Tylenol/painkillers will make you less sensitive to emotional pain.

On the other hand, being treated fairly, turns on our reward ‘feelings’ or mechanisms. In fact, the same area that likes being treated fairly, also likes the taste of chocolate. So ‘fairness tastes like chocolate’.

And validation is ‘central to our well-being’. Strangers who we don’t even know, or care to interact with, will activate our reward centres if they tell us they like us.

Yet, when they compliment you, and you say thank you? Well, that lets you feel good also. After all, ‘generosity and altruism, are just our way of being selfish’ to help us feel better. We like to be selfish, and being selfish actually involves giving, more than receiving.

If you (a girlfriend) REALLY want to feel good, provide support to your boyfriend when he is REALLY distressed. This is more rewarding than providing support when none is needed, because of the huge release of oxytocin. Oxytocin is same chemical that bonds you together with others.

How about reading peoples minds? As a top rock-paper-scissors champion says: ‘it’s about getting inside your opponent’s head and manipulating what he believes you will throw and understanding how he will use that information to counter you, so that you can in turn throw a gesture that will counter him. It’s all about mindreading.’

And for imagining things? What if you see two triangle and a circle moving around. What regular you and I-kind of people really saw: ‘the big triangle is a bully that is picking on the small triangle and circle, who are running scared but then figure out how to trick the big triangle and escape… or… the big triangle is a jealous boyfriend of the female circle, and he is angry because he caught the circle flirting with the small triangle.’

Unfortunately, this is how people interpret the world. They use drama, and other imagery to explain things around them. We project our ambitions, goals, experiences, values, and other traits onto the world around us.

Evolutionarily speaking, our brain decided to project social traits onto the world around us, and turn off non-social thinking. This is called ‘mentalizing’.

Interestingly enough, our brain reached its current size 200,000 years ago. But we started creating art, religion, language, complex tools, etc, only about 50,000 years ago.

After all, learning to create and to learn is a basic ability we have evolved. It allows us to understand the minds of others through copying or mirroring what they do.

But as you continue to learn, you go from focusing on the basic movements of what you want to do (like strumming the right strings on a guitar), to ultimately trying to express ideas, thoughts, and feelings (playing a self-expressed song).

It’s the mirroring system of the brain that ‘allows us to experience the world as social, and full of psychologically infused behaviours of others.’ Unlike primates who live in the world of ‘what’ others are doing, we humans live in the world of ‘why’, which gives many interpretations.

We need to be able to mirror expressions of others to understand their emotions. Yet, it’s interesting to know that botox can paralyse the face, and thus worsen our recognition of emotions of others. While people who read fiction have a better ability to get into the emotion with the fictional book.

Yet, as many of us know, how a person looks on the outside, is not always the same as how they feel on the inside. You may be nervous delivering a speech, but on the outside, you keep calm and confident.

To summarize, ‘social pains and pleasure are real in all mammals, and occur in the same pathways as physical pain and pleasure. These create the motivations to connect with each other and to survive childhood. Our urge to connect converts into thoughtful relationships with friends, family, loved ones and co-workers. We employ ‘mind reading’ abilities to get along with others, rather than lose harmony. We use the mirroring system to understand those around us.’

Lao Tzu (2000 years ago): ‘At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.’

But it’s hard to know who you are, so we look to others, consciously and unconsciously to find out.

In the west we would call this ‘conforming’, but in the east this same idea is called ‘harmonizing’, which allows us all to live peacefully together.

Albert Einstein said: ‘Only a life lived for others is a life worth while.’

We have more time for self-discovery compared to our ancestors, and thus finding our identity becomes more natural. Our ancestors spent their lives either being taken care of, or taking care of others, from birth till death.

But in the path to discovery, we must understand that we may BELIEVE the world has the same beliefs as us, but the world actually doesn’t. We may even believe that people seek want to increase their pleasure in life, and reduce their pain, but in actuality we increase our pain in order to conform to society.

Being able to put our beliefs, ideas, and feelings into words in a journal can actually help regulate our pain, emotions and promote mental and physical well-being.

It’s important to know what kind of music you like, what social events make you uncomfortable, and what kind of work makes you fulfilled. Having a ‘theory of your mind’ is essential.

But when motivated by money, we tend to work more, and become less social. Yet, when we think about time, we tend to spend less time on work, and more time socializing.

Yet, we can merge work and socializing by increasing status, connection, and fairness recognition in the work place. After all, we are motivated to be accepted and valued by others within our group.

Even reading about how you benefit and help others will increase your performance.
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If you want to understand the social world around you, I HIGHLY recommend reading this book. There are a few times when I glazed over the neuroscience sections (ie. right- ventrolateral-prefrontalcortex), otherwise it’s a solid book for the inquisitive mind.

Recommended if you like psychology, sociology, a bit of anthropology and social dynamics.

A+++

[K.A. Ashcomb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Liberman proposes that we are wired to be social, that interacting with others, mirroring them, and feeling their pain and our own are an integral part of our neural systems. He goes on to prove his argumentation through his studies and those done by others. Yet he doesn't give a one-sided argument. Instead, he considers studies that show we are wired differently.

Our brain to be wired socially makes sense if you consider the survival of the group. But we don't actually live anymore in hunter-gatherer societies or close farming communities. We live in big cities, where one has become somewhat faceless and power dynamics are far and obscure, yet our brains haven't changed. They still like to punish or, at least, frown upon those who take advantage of others. But sadly, as Liberman proposes, we are growing apart from each other. We value individuality and surviving on our own (even our building designs promote that) and at the same time, mental health issues and other social issues have skyrocketed. And it is not because of the failings of one person. It is because of our culture and its values and pursuits. And here, the book steps in. The last chapter handles how we should change our communities to cater to our socially wired brain that needs and feeds from social interactions. Even a simple thing, as looking at a boyfriend's photo in a painful situation makes us feel less pain. No duality here. We are social, and Liberman is set to prove and advocate for it.

I enjoyed the book enormously. So much that I want to reread it and remember all those things I somehow skipped or forgot. I have nothing to complain about. Okay, maybe I should say that some hypotheses were taken for granted along with basic assumptions. But this is not a scientific paper. This is a case for our societies to value and stress the importance of our social mind and use the information about how our brains work to better things, like our school system. (Liberman suggests how we should alter our education to engage our students and make them want to learn.) Wonderful book!

Thank you for reading! Have a beautiful day <3

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating look at why we have a deep human need for connection. Your emotions impact your physical state, and your brain needs people. Even if you are an introvert (like me).

Lieberman shares his research and builds on the research of others. Using fMRI and other methods, they have been able to show how our brains relate to social situations - rejection, happiness, love, acceptance. He argues that the reason we have been able to survive, evolve, and grow as a species is due to our social communities. Social pain can be just as powerful as physical pain, and the brain shows this to be true.

There is an absolute need to build deeper connections with people and grow a sense of community. This book has valuable insights for leaders, parents, and anyone who wants to connect and live with purpose, because we are wired for this. I really enjoyed the book and highly recommend. 4 stars.