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That F Word: Growing Up Feminist in Aotearoa
A wake-up call and a battle-cry for all Kiwi women Lizzie Marvelly tells the story of New Zealand's feminist roots, then traverses the modern landscape, tearing apart areas of gender imbalance and pervading attitudes to Kiwi women. In particular, Lizzie examines how men have been brought up with certain values - the rugby, racing and beer mentality we know all too well. Lizzie grew up an ardent Chiefs and All Blacks fan, but a wiser head now recognises that there are still endemic issues for society to address. Lizzie speaks about her own first-hand experiences with sexism and male misconduct, while also offering advice to young girls on how to take full control of their lives.
304 pages, ebook
Published August 20, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
September 11, 2018
As a middle-aged white male I’m possibly not the target demograph for this book. Which means, of course, that like all middle-aged white men it’s tremendously important to read it. I know my gender, ethnicity and sexuality (straight) have conferred upon me unearned privilege. Marvelly’s book is a collection of essays addressing the many, many reasons feminism is needed today and why patriarchy needs to be dismantled. Reading and reflecting upon it might be challenging at times for people like me, but odds are it might make you a better human if you do.
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October 28, 2018– Get angry, get inspired, get activated in That F Word –
I knew as soon as I opened the cover that I was going to love That F Word: Growing Up Feminist in Aotearoa. I knew it would make me angry and fired up. Author Lizzie Marvellydedicates this book to “every woman who has ever been called 'bossy' or 'stroppy.'” Well that’s me in a nutshell, and the empowerment doesn’t stop there.
Marvelly is the creator of the website Villainesse. She was the Canon Media Awards 2017 Best Blog winner and created the global campaign #mybodymyterms. In That F Word, Marvelly discusses inequality in New Zealand through her own personal experience, interviews with prominent Kiwis, and rather thorough research.
The back of the book is full of reference material. Some will argue she is pushing “the women’s” agenda. In my experience, it's an agenda that needs to be pushed, and the book is called That F Word after all. But let's get one thing straight. She's pushing the agenda for the betterment of us all.
It seems strange to say that I identify with this successful singer/writer/activist since we definitely haven’t moved in the same circles nor had the same upbringing. But so many of Marvelly’s stories could have been mine. I could have said, "The difference between being a girl and being a woman is that now no one has the authority to shut me up."
Marvelly’s world is intense. She is a massive overachiever. She began early by signing an international record deal at 18. We may not have the same life, but oh we share experiences. The way people tried to take her choice and voice away. The words that were used against her. The way people tried to silence her, making her louder.
That F Word is loosely written around the chronology of Marvelly’s life, but it’s not a straight-up memoir. Yes, she ties many things back to her own experiences, however each chapter opens a discussion on certain aspects of equality, looking through a feminist lens. There are chapters on identity in childhood, and the social conditioning that insists we "choose" a gender for our children. Newsflash, they're kids, let them be. She discusses New Zealand’s rape history, full of terrifying facts including that marital rape was legal until 1985.
No aspect of our society is left untouched. Marvelly has an uncanny ability to expose strong issues in an enlightening way such as social media trolling, and "pornification" – a term to describe how porn has become an unrealistic ideal and normalized for teens.
Just when I thought I’d had about as much as I could swallow, she touched on some of the amazing things that have happened and can still happen when we treat each other equally, and support and stand up for each other.
Before anyone starts going on about how she's a man-hater and this book is full of misandry, (I'm looking at you troll-littered internet-land) you must only make it to chapter two to find her pointing out how the pressures put on boys in New Zealand are phenomenal. Boys are conditioned from a young age to be strong and manly, and tough and aggressive, and not show an ounce of weakness. It's completely unrealistic and unfair.
My copy of That F Word is littered with Post It notes and pencil marks in the margins, mostly to say “WTF” or “OMG YES”. It’s hard NOT to connect with Marvelly. It’s hard NOT to find her honest and refreshing. Get reading. And then we can have a cup of tea and a solid discussion about that F word.
----------
This review was first published on Narrative Muse, https://www.narrativemuse.co/books/th..., and was written Yvette Cooke. Narrative Muse curates the best books and movies by and about women and non-binary folk on our website http://www.narrativemuse.co and our social media channels.
I knew as soon as I opened the cover that I was going to love That F Word: Growing Up Feminist in Aotearoa. I knew it would make me angry and fired up. Author Lizzie Marvellydedicates this book to “every woman who has ever been called 'bossy' or 'stroppy.'” Well that’s me in a nutshell, and the empowerment doesn’t stop there.
Marvelly is the creator of the website Villainesse. She was the Canon Media Awards 2017 Best Blog winner and created the global campaign #mybodymyterms. In That F Word, Marvelly discusses inequality in New Zealand through her own personal experience, interviews with prominent Kiwis, and rather thorough research.
The back of the book is full of reference material. Some will argue she is pushing “the women’s” agenda. In my experience, it's an agenda that needs to be pushed, and the book is called That F Word after all. But let's get one thing straight. She's pushing the agenda for the betterment of us all.
It seems strange to say that I identify with this successful singer/writer/activist since we definitely haven’t moved in the same circles nor had the same upbringing. But so many of Marvelly’s stories could have been mine. I could have said, "The difference between being a girl and being a woman is that now no one has the authority to shut me up."
Marvelly’s world is intense. She is a massive overachiever. She began early by signing an international record deal at 18. We may not have the same life, but oh we share experiences. The way people tried to take her choice and voice away. The words that were used against her. The way people tried to silence her, making her louder.
That F Word is loosely written around the chronology of Marvelly’s life, but it’s not a straight-up memoir. Yes, she ties many things back to her own experiences, however each chapter opens a discussion on certain aspects of equality, looking through a feminist lens. There are chapters on identity in childhood, and the social conditioning that insists we "choose" a gender for our children. Newsflash, they're kids, let them be. She discusses New Zealand’s rape history, full of terrifying facts including that marital rape was legal until 1985.
No aspect of our society is left untouched. Marvelly has an uncanny ability to expose strong issues in an enlightening way such as social media trolling, and "pornification" – a term to describe how porn has become an unrealistic ideal and normalized for teens.
Just when I thought I’d had about as much as I could swallow, she touched on some of the amazing things that have happened and can still happen when we treat each other equally, and support and stand up for each other.
Before anyone starts going on about how she's a man-hater and this book is full of misandry, (I'm looking at you troll-littered internet-land) you must only make it to chapter two to find her pointing out how the pressures put on boys in New Zealand are phenomenal. Boys are conditioned from a young age to be strong and manly, and tough and aggressive, and not show an ounce of weakness. It's completely unrealistic and unfair.
My copy of That F Word is littered with Post It notes and pencil marks in the margins, mostly to say “WTF” or “OMG YES”. It’s hard NOT to connect with Marvelly. It’s hard NOT to find her honest and refreshing. Get reading. And then we can have a cup of tea and a solid discussion about that F word.
----------
This review was first published on Narrative Muse, https://www.narrativemuse.co/books/th..., and was written Yvette Cooke. Narrative Muse curates the best books and movies by and about women and non-binary folk on our website http://www.narrativemuse.co and our social media channels.
September 29, 2018
It seems like Lizzie Marvelly is someone everyone has an opinion on - a tall poppy who is poking sticks at a vast range of issues pertinent in our society not just to the sexual and emotional health of women young and old, but also to those in the LGBTQIA community, as well as to men young and old who she sees need to be reeducated on how to treat women and girls in our society.
I also suspect that there is a feeling there too, of how dare she - a talented privileged middle class girl, wildly successful as an international recording artist who has performed at the Royal Albert Hall, who suddenly turns her nose up at all those who put her there, supported her, bought her music, watched with tears in their eyes as she proudly sang the national anthem. A slip of a girl suddenly coming out with all this feminist zealot stuff, ranting, exclaiming, poking sticks, sweeping the curtains open, on all issues relating to being female in the 21st century. And that of course is her very point - her branding has needed rebranding to expose some much needed truths about the type of society we are currently living in, and is this what we really want for our children. Whether people like it or not, this young woman is challenging us to take a closer look at the community we live, work, socialise and grow our children in.
I knew I had to read this book with a very open mind. I am not the target demographic that she has written for, but I have grown up in and lived in NZ for most of my life, so understand the culture she is talking about and can identify, some of it from personal experience, with much of what she has to say. I also have two daughters in their early 20s, navigating the society that Lizzie is writing about, in fact her whole section on rape culture is something that a young woman we know is currently having to deal with. So extremely topical. How does she do?
Overall I think she has done very well. She is an excellent writer, does a superb job at getting her point and argument across with many illustrations and examples to support what she is saying. For someone so articulate though, with a great command of the language, I was annoyed at the overuse of the F-bomb especially in the first few chapters, and that word is not 'feminist' or 'female'! I see her point - she is very angry. By crikey she is angry, angry at the sexist treatment she has received from boys at school, young men, people of power in the recording industry. And above all the insidious damaging power and reach of the internet. It has to be said that her path to adulthood has not been the norm, and as interesting as it is, I do wonder how relevant or topical it will be to the majority of young women who may start to read this book. I doubt very much the average 29 year old has accumulated such a range of life experience and rage. I gave the book to a 16 year old girl to read; she has read the first couple of chapters and is already bored with reading about Lizzie's life to date, none of it really relevant to her. I am telling her to keep going, it gets better!
However her story does the set the scene, it being her own personal experience of much of what she writes about in the rest of the book. Once I had got through the first third to half of the book, she really pulled the guns out focusing on how girls and young women in NZ are portrayed in the media, advertising, social media, broadcasting, the perils of having the courage to have an opinion, the access of impressionable young teens to on-line porn and we aren't talking Playboy or dirty videos, the rape culture so deeply embedded in our society, that old goody abortion, the patriarchy. Not much of it is good I am afraid, it's a scary world out there for young women.
And this is why I think it is an important book for the young women in our families and friends to read. Young women need to know that what they are seeing, reading, listening to, having to deal with in their social/sexual/work lives, is not uncommon, that many others are having similar experiences and reactions to it. This book will normalise the experiences that many many women in New Zealand are/have experienced. There is power in the sharing of information, experiences. There is no big call for unity or protest marches or petitions to Parliament. But there is power in knowing that you aren't alone when unpleasant or bad stuff happens.
My one criticism - the title puts people off. I work in a book shop - we haven't sold a single copy, even though the book is right at the counter. There is no way people are not seeing it - based on the comments people make about Lizzie, her newspaper column, her personna. I think it is actually that word 'feminist' putting people off, and I asked my 21 year old daughter about this too - she also said the 'feminist' title theme is off putting. Lizzie touches briefly on what a feminist is in her writings - inconclusive really and not enough to warrant the title. If I was buying a book for my teenage daughter or my young self, I would be much more likely to pick up a book called 'Growing up Female in Aotearoa' or similar rather than 'feminist'.
But don't let this 'judging a book by its cover' put off the young women in your life or yourself for that matter, from reading this. In light of the #metoo movement, the ongoing drive for pay equality, the anxiety and self esteem issues many women have about their image, the savagery and trolling on social media/internet to anything related to female empowerment, I think this book is compulsory reading. Go Lizzie!
I also suspect that there is a feeling there too, of how dare she - a talented privileged middle class girl, wildly successful as an international recording artist who has performed at the Royal Albert Hall, who suddenly turns her nose up at all those who put her there, supported her, bought her music, watched with tears in their eyes as she proudly sang the national anthem. A slip of a girl suddenly coming out with all this feminist zealot stuff, ranting, exclaiming, poking sticks, sweeping the curtains open, on all issues relating to being female in the 21st century. And that of course is her very point - her branding has needed rebranding to expose some much needed truths about the type of society we are currently living in, and is this what we really want for our children. Whether people like it or not, this young woman is challenging us to take a closer look at the community we live, work, socialise and grow our children in.
I knew I had to read this book with a very open mind. I am not the target demographic that she has written for, but I have grown up in and lived in NZ for most of my life, so understand the culture she is talking about and can identify, some of it from personal experience, with much of what she has to say. I also have two daughters in their early 20s, navigating the society that Lizzie is writing about, in fact her whole section on rape culture is something that a young woman we know is currently having to deal with. So extremely topical. How does she do?
Overall I think she has done very well. She is an excellent writer, does a superb job at getting her point and argument across with many illustrations and examples to support what she is saying. For someone so articulate though, with a great command of the language, I was annoyed at the overuse of the F-bomb especially in the first few chapters, and that word is not 'feminist' or 'female'! I see her point - she is very angry. By crikey she is angry, angry at the sexist treatment she has received from boys at school, young men, people of power in the recording industry. And above all the insidious damaging power and reach of the internet. It has to be said that her path to adulthood has not been the norm, and as interesting as it is, I do wonder how relevant or topical it will be to the majority of young women who may start to read this book. I doubt very much the average 29 year old has accumulated such a range of life experience and rage. I gave the book to a 16 year old girl to read; she has read the first couple of chapters and is already bored with reading about Lizzie's life to date, none of it really relevant to her. I am telling her to keep going, it gets better!
However her story does the set the scene, it being her own personal experience of much of what she writes about in the rest of the book. Once I had got through the first third to half of the book, she really pulled the guns out focusing on how girls and young women in NZ are portrayed in the media, advertising, social media, broadcasting, the perils of having the courage to have an opinion, the access of impressionable young teens to on-line porn and we aren't talking Playboy or dirty videos, the rape culture so deeply embedded in our society, that old goody abortion, the patriarchy. Not much of it is good I am afraid, it's a scary world out there for young women.
And this is why I think it is an important book for the young women in our families and friends to read. Young women need to know that what they are seeing, reading, listening to, having to deal with in their social/sexual/work lives, is not uncommon, that many others are having similar experiences and reactions to it. This book will normalise the experiences that many many women in New Zealand are/have experienced. There is power in the sharing of information, experiences. There is no big call for unity or protest marches or petitions to Parliament. But there is power in knowing that you aren't alone when unpleasant or bad stuff happens.
My one criticism - the title puts people off. I work in a book shop - we haven't sold a single copy, even though the book is right at the counter. There is no way people are not seeing it - based on the comments people make about Lizzie, her newspaper column, her personna. I think it is actually that word 'feminist' putting people off, and I asked my 21 year old daughter about this too - she also said the 'feminist' title theme is off putting. Lizzie touches briefly on what a feminist is in her writings - inconclusive really and not enough to warrant the title. If I was buying a book for my teenage daughter or my young self, I would be much more likely to pick up a book called 'Growing up Female in Aotearoa' or similar rather than 'feminist'.
But don't let this 'judging a book by its cover' put off the young women in your life or yourself for that matter, from reading this. In light of the #metoo movement, the ongoing drive for pay equality, the anxiety and self esteem issues many women have about their image, the savagery and trolling on social media/internet to anything related to female empowerment, I think this book is compulsory reading. Go Lizzie!
June 5, 2021
Good, but I feel like it was just going over points that have already been made in the feminist movement. What I really wanted was a closer look at how sexism shows up in New Zealand specifically. She mentions the high domestic violence rates but doesn’t really go into depth about why they might be so much higher there.
She was also constantly pandering to the ‘not all men’ crowd by modifying her language. This is so harmful and just tells the people who need to hear it most that we aren’t talking about them. Sexism is a systemic issue and everyone is part of the problem (If women have internalized misogyny then why are we telling some men that they get a pass?) However, it’s still good that there’s at least one book about feminism in New Zealand 🤷♀️
She was also constantly pandering to the ‘not all men’ crowd by modifying her language. This is so harmful and just tells the people who need to hear it most that we aren’t talking about them. Sexism is a systemic issue and everyone is part of the problem (If women have internalized misogyny then why are we telling some men that they get a pass?) However, it’s still good that there’s at least one book about feminism in New Zealand 🤷♀️
October 1, 2018
Everybody should read this book.
This book brings the inconvenient truths that are quietly ignored or suffered every day (depending on your point of view) into stark thought provoking focus.
Our society is currently broken and is being taped up with false starts and good intentions; but really we are still on the starting line, talking.
Denying it doesn’t make it go away. Hopefully readers of this straight talking open and frank book will get some fresh perspective and be inspired to do better or take positive action.
This book brings the inconvenient truths that are quietly ignored or suffered every day (depending on your point of view) into stark thought provoking focus.
Our society is currently broken and is being taped up with false starts and good intentions; but really we are still on the starting line, talking.
Denying it doesn’t make it go away. Hopefully readers of this straight talking open and frank book will get some fresh perspective and be inspired to do better or take positive action.
June 20, 2019
I got given this for my birthday. I started to read with great gusto and ended up with a meh.
Bless her, Lizzie is too young, too privileged and too self assured to be lecturing to us old hags in the trenches who have been doing this dance for years.
Big ups for the research and attempt. It is a valiant effort and nod to those who came before however it pails in comparison to my current read by Marilyn Waring the political years.
Come back in a few years Lizzie when the ideology has been kicked out of you by the haters and academia and I reckon it will be a five star.
Bless her, Lizzie is too young, too privileged and too self assured to be lecturing to us old hags in the trenches who have been doing this dance for years.
Big ups for the research and attempt. It is a valiant effort and nod to those who came before however it pails in comparison to my current read by Marilyn Waring the political years.
Come back in a few years Lizzie when the ideology has been kicked out of you by the haters and academia and I reckon it will be a five star.
May 19, 2019
I found this a very informative introduction to feminism and an easy read. I was really glad to hear a New Zealand perspective as I can relate more to my own life. I don't think there was anything ground-breaking in the book but I do still think it was good. Though potentially I don't find it ground-breaking because I'm fairly well versed in feminism. However, I definitely need to read more and this was a good start. I am glad for the NZ perspective, I feel like they are hard to come by.
November 13, 2018
I LOVED this book. I related to so much of it (which isn't necessarily a good thing considering what the content of this book it), but it seemed to sum up my feelings on society's standards so well. I've already recommended this to all my close friends and family and I look forward to talking with them about it.
September 15, 2019
An in your face, unflinching look at the state of play for women in New Zealand. Both general and deeply personal, Marvelly discusses important issues that affect women, and backs up her opinions with sobering statistics. Unfortunately, the future looks rather bleak, especially when looking across the spectrum of issues she covers.
October 25, 2018
"What I do hate is a system that penalises women, puts unfair pressure on men and makes life for people who don't identify as male or female difficult."
"There is no one way to be a feminist. The movement by its very nature and aims must be diverse, and that diversity should be supported rather than trampled upon."
Damn Lizzie...you had me at hello.
Review on the Narrative Muse website
https://narrativemuse.co/books/that-f...
I received a copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
"There is no one way to be a feminist. The movement by its very nature and aims must be diverse, and that diversity should be supported rather than trampled upon."
Damn Lizzie...you had me at hello.
Review on the Narrative Muse website
https://narrativemuse.co/books/that-f...
I received a copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
October 14, 2018
Important read. It's not a easy read, but that's because its not 'easy'to grow up as a women in contemporary society. There's a lot in the book to think about and I know I'll be rereading the book.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews