The Jealousy Cure: Learn to Trust, Overcome Possessiveness, and Save Your Relationship

by Robert L. Leahy, Paul Gilbert (Foreword)

"The Jealousy Cure unlocks the positive power of jealousy for happy relationships."—Foreword Reviews "Solid counsel for those whose relationships are plagued by jealousy and the individuals it targets." —Library Journal starred review​Could jealousy be a positive thing? In this groundbreaking book, Robert L. Leahy—author of the hugely popular self-help guide, The Worry Cure—invites you to gain a greater understanding of your jealous feelings, keep jealousy from hijacking your life, and create healthier relationships.

We’ve all heard tales of the overly jealous spouse or significant other. Maybe we’ve even been that jealous person, though we may not want to admit it. It’s hard to imagine anyone sailing through life without either having feelings of jealousy or being the target of someone’s jealousy. But what if jealousy isn’t just a neurotic weakness? What if it signals that your relationship matters to you? In short—what if jealousy serves a purpose?

In The Jealousy Cure, renowned psychologist Robert L. Leahy takes a more nuanced approach to tackling feelings of jealousy. In this compelling book, you’ll uncover the evolutionary origins of jealousy, and how and why it’s served to help us as a species. You’ll also learn practices based in emotional schema theory, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness to help you overcome the shame jealousy can bring, improve communication with your partner, and ultimately make room for jealousy while also making your relationship more meaningful. You will learn that confronting jealousy in your relationship does not have to be a catastrophe, but can redirect you and your partner to build more trust, acceptance, and connection.

We often feel jealous because we fear losing the things or people that matter to us the most. With this insightful guide, you’ll discover how jealousy can both help and hurt your relationship, and learn proven-effective skills to keep jealousy in its place.This book has been selected as an Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies Self-Help Book Recommendation— an honor bestowed on outstanding self-help books that are consistent with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles and that incorporate scientifically tested strategies for overcoming mental health difficulties. Used alone or in conjunction with therapy, our books offer powerful tools readers can use to jump-start changes in their lives.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Love

250 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2018

About the author

Robert L. Leahy (B.A., M.S., Ph.D., Yale University), completed a Postdoctoral Fellowship in the Department of Psychiatry, University of Pennsylvania Medical School under the direction of Dr. Aaron Beck, the founder of cognitive therapy. Dr. Leahy is the Past-President of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, Past-President of the International Association of Cognitive Psychotherapy, Past-President of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, Director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy (NYC), and Clinical Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry at Weill-Cornell University Medical School. Dr. Leahy is the Honorary Life-time President, New York City Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Association and a Distinguished Founding Fellow, Diplomate, of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy. He has received the Aaron T. Beck award for outstanding contributions in cognitive therapy.

He was Associate Editor of The Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy (serving as Editor 1998-2003). Dr. Leahy is now Associate Editor of The International Journal of Cognitive Therapy. He has served on the Scientific Advisory Committee of the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill. Dr. Leahy serves on a number of scientific committees for international conferences on cognitive behavioral therapy and is a frequent keynote speaker and workshop leader at conferences and universities throughout the world. For a listing of professional presentations click here.

He is author and editor of 26 books, including Treatment Plans and Interventions for Depression and Anxiety Disorders (with Holland), Overcoming Resistance in Cognitive Therapy, Bipolar Disorder: A Cognitive Therapy Approach (with Newman, Beck, Reilly-Harrington, & Gyulai), Cognitive Therapy Techniques, Roadblocks in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Psychological Treatments of Bipolar Disorder (ed. with Johnson), Contemporary Cognitive Therapy, The Therapeutic Relationship in the Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapies (ed. with Gilbert) and The Worry Cure which received critical praise from the New York Times and has been selected by Self Magazine as one of the top eight self-help books of all time. His book The Worry Curehas been translated into nine languages and was a selection of the Book of the Month Club, Literary Guild and numerous other book clubs. Eleven of his clinical books have been book club selections. His two recent popular audience books are Anxiety-Free: Unravel Your Fears before They Unravel You, Beat the Blues Before They Beat You: How to Overcome Depression, and Keeping Your Head after Losing Your Job. His new self-help book, The Jealousy Cure: Learn to Trust, Overcome Possessiveness, and Save Your Relationship will be published in January 2018.

Dr. Leahy's recent clinical books include Emotion Regulation in Psychotherapy: A Practitioner's Guide (with Tirch and Napolitano), Treatment Plans and Interventions for Depression and Anxiety Disorders, Second Edition (with Holland and McGinn), and Treatment Plans and Interventions for Bulimia and Binge-Eating Disorder (with Zweig), Cognitive Therapy Techniques, Second Edition, and Emotional Schema Therapy. He is completing an edited book--Science and Practice in Cognitive Therapy- in honor of Aaron T. Beck, the founder of cognitive therapy, to be published by Guilford in January 2018. Dr. Leahy is currently working on a book to be published by Routledge, Emotional Schema Therapy: Distinctive Features.

He is the general editor of a series of books published by Guilford Press--Treatment Plans and Interventions for Evidence-Based Psychotherapy, which include books on depression, anxiety, OCD, insomnia, couples therapy, and child and adolescent therapy. His books have been translated into 21 languages and are used throughout the world in training cognitive behavioral therapists.

He has been featured in The New York Times Sunday Magazine, Forbes, Fortune, Newsweek, Psychology Today, Washington Post, WSJ, Redbook, Shape, Women's He

Reviews

[Miri · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a decent introductory guide to coping with jealousy, written from a CBT/ACT perspective. Rather than just sticking with the CBT thing where you identify irrational thoughts and change them, Leahy also emphasizes learning how to tolerate or sit with your thoughts and feelings, as well as being intentional about how you act in response to them.

So far, so good. Unfortunately, this book also has some notable gaps or oversights:

1) Although Leahy notes that jealousy can come up in any type of relationship, the book almost completely focuses on jealousy between romantic partners, and specifically around issues like flirting or fear of cheating or being dumped. Even in the romantic context, there are many other ways jealousy can play out. Then again, the suggestions in the book can probably be applied to those.

2) I wasn’t a fan of the evolutionary/gendered stuff he includes in his explanation of jealousy at the beginning. Leahy is more circumspect about this than many other psychologists and emphasizes that none of this means that we have to just accept jealousy, but I still don’t think it’s helpful to reiterate these ideas.

3) There. Are. No. Mentions. Of. Same-sex. Partners. Anywhere. In. This. Book. All of the examples involve relationships that appear straight. This book came out THIS YEAR. 2018. This is unconscionable in this day and age.

4) I kept wondering if Leahy was ever going to address jealousy in non-monogamous relationships. When he finally did, at the very end of the book, I wished he hadn’t. It was in the chapter on infidelity, of course—in the section on commitment. All he had to say was this:

“Although some people agree on an ‘open relationship,’ in which both partners are able to be with others, I have seldom seen this work for very long. Usually it turns out that one person wants more monogamy, more commitment. So take a look at your feelings because, if you are feeling jealous, you may not be as sophisticated as you set out to be.”

Again. IT’S 2018. This is not an okay thing to say anymore. We have academic research on this now. Stop it.

I would like to introduce Leahy to, like, all of my friends and myself.

5) The book does not address the ways in which jealousy can be part of an abusive control tactic and the gendered ways in which that often plays out. Although the bulk of the book does focus on teaching people how to manage their own jealous feelings, towards the end there are several chapters on working together with one’s partner and there Leahy often repeats that both partners are probably contributing to the problem and will have to compromise. I can see this being the case in the examples he often uses, where someone in a monogamous marriage secretly meets others for drinks or whatever, but sometimes, it really isn’t on the other partner to change their behavior. Especially if the relationship is potentially abusive.

Anyway, the strategies here are good but the oversights are glaring and inappropriate for a psychology book being published in this day and age.

[Simón · Rating 1 out of 5]

I kept having freak outs while workbooking my way through The Jealousy Workbook, so I thought this might be a lighter version. I appreciated CBT being applied specifically to jealous situations. I really liked how anti-pathologizing the tone was. I never felt like I was jealous simply because I am insecure. The message was more like, "It doesn't matter why you're jealous, as long as you want to change how much it's derailing your relationship."

But aside from a few visualizations and the list of rules and thought-traps, this book sounds like it's written in the 50s by a pastor. Like, there is not a single mention of anything remotely gay or queer. Nor any acknowledgement that you might be jealous of someone who isn't your monogamous romantic partner. Or any mention of anything like disability or LDR or kinks or poverty or anything that might contribute to a power imbalance or just a complication in how to process jealousy. Like, whose partner "goes out for drinks" with their co-workers? Is this Mad Men?

Honestly, the holier-than-thou blatant transphobia, homophobia, and ableism helped me to get through the book because I was sufficiently distracted to stop from freaking out. But this author needs to attend a bunch of sensitivity training.

[Elena · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to the audiobook and it was very informative. The book gave a lot of useful ways to deal with, and understand, those feelings.

[CM · Rating 2 out of 5]

I work as a clinical counsellor and I find CBT, the primary approach of this book, necessary but very limited. There is also some over reliance on evolutionary psychology theory which is tenuous, as the ongoing adult needs for attachment security are crucial for psychosocial and emotional/physical wellbeing at any age (not just rooted in child rearing etc).

There are some good things in this book, which would be useful for anyone suffering with very intense jealousy alongside cognitive distortions. For instance, outlining common jealous behaviours and counter behaviours is very useful. The author does a good job also of validating feelings in general, although this could go deeper, and I feel some greater discussion of what are secure behaviours, and what is healthy/appropriate jealousy vs unhelpful jealousy would be useful.

However, I think coupling this book with attachment based approaches such as Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight offers more insight into the ongoing valid needs for security in our relationships---and better validation of why jealousy arises and is an adaptive response to build secure relationships. Johnson also provides better scripts on how to converse together.

Each partner getting better at understanding what they need on a deeper level and communicating that better is key, as well as meeting their needs in ways that line up with their values.

There are some good take aways and as far as CBT goes the author's tips are useful, and his CBT metaphors are excellent, I just think there are other crucial elements to jealousy missing here. this is just one piece in a much larger pie.

The book "attached" can also give some credence to the need for security in relationship, beyond evolutionary psychology. The Harriet Learner classics Dance of intimacy/anger can also speak to some of these dynamics (although the language/intended female audience is a bit outdated).

[Natasha Landicho · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book!!

[Tish · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across this book in an anxiety book I was reading. I am also reading The Worry Cure by the same author.
Like most self-help books, this one was excellent in nailing what jealousy is at it's core level, but not so great in what to do about it when you feel it or see it in others. I find a lot of self-help books to give advice something on the line of "just tell yourself this...". This rarely ever works, at least not for me. If I could "just tell myself" something and that made everything better, I wouldn't have any issues at all.
I really, really liked the history of jealousy itself, as it was presented as an emotion, just like happiness, sadness, etc. There is so much negativity surrounding jealousy, the word, being labeled as such... when it's a natural human emotion and deserves just as much attention as any other emotion. Jealousy is seen in pets, children, between coworkers, friends. This book made me realize it's not necessarily negative, just an emotion that has validity like any other emotion.
I would read this book again, for better insight and understanding into why it occurs, what to do about it, and why it's okay to feel this way sometimes.

[Dorie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing.
If jealousy is an issue for you, give this book a try.
My only complaint would be the constant toggling of pronouns - the next edition should use "they" and "them" instead of going back and forth between "him" and "her" - it was clear the author was writing for traditional straight couples. It got a bit annoying. It's 2018.
But the tips and the analysis rang true and were extremely helpful.

[Juliana Tiemi Suguita · Rating 4 out of 5]

apesar de tratar de ciúmes, o livro pode ser útil para todos. a forma como o autor aborda as distorções cognitivas e as crenças centrais vai muito ao encontro da cognitivo-comportamental. tem muito material para a reflexão e sinto que vai ser um livro que irei revisitar, principalmente para me ajudar a lidar com os pensamentos intrusivos. minha única crítica é que achei o livro demasiado heteronormativo e monogâmico.

[Marcos Vinicius · Rating 5 out of 5]

O autor trata o tema com uma maestria intocável. Esse livro é útil para entender o ciúme desde seu ponto evolutivo (preservação da espécie) até como é encarado pela sociedade moderna. Livro excelente para quem sente ciúme e para quem sofre do ciúme.

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books that I read this year. I'm learning to stop being so jealous and finally get on with my life.
This is a very interesting and informative read about jealousy.
I highly recommend this book! Everyone should read this book.

Thank you Netgalley for this book.

[Becca (This book could have been shorter) · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping this could transfer to all elements of life, rather than a romantic relationship, but I didn’t feel that anything was really groundbreaking, just that it was ok to feel jealous feelings, and then techniques that help you visualize letting go of those feelings.

[Tiff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Experiencing jealousy and it was eating me away. This book cured me! Of course cure lies within you but this book brought me to my knees and allowed me to talk to my partner with a sane mind and work things out. Thank you a million folds and more!!!

[Cece · Rating 4 out of 5]

The word "cure" on the title had me curious. It doesn't necessarily "cure" but I must say that it does bring a new perspective regarding jealousy (negativity and positivity) and how to properly cope with it.

I'm looking forward to reading "The Worry Cure" next.

[Carlos Felipe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Muito bom.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

A few years ago, I read a psychology book a friend recommended and have had a number of conversations with other friends about that book, as it was apparently fairly popular and made for interesting discussions. This book was recommended as another interesting psychology book, so I checked it out and read it a few chapters at a time. This definitely read like more of a self-help book, aimed at people who are dealing with jealousy, either as the person with these emotions or the person inspiring these emotions in someone else.

There were a few interesting bits in here that I think will make for good discussion, such as the validation of emotions and the history of why jealousy has served people in the past and why it continues to be felt in so many situations. There were also a few notes about ways to reframe thoughts in your head when these kind of thoughts come up, or better ways to respond to someone who is dealing with this.

On the other hand, I didn't find this especially compelling overall and didn't think it truly provided the promised "powerful tools" for dealing with jealousy. Perhaps I was read this expecting a deeper dive into the psychology behind this and a more complete or complex discussion about how these tools help. It felt like this was a basic introduction to the subject with some interesting points to reflect on, but it didn't seem to fully delve into the topic enough to be a definitive source on how to approach this topic if jealousy is actually affecting your life (although it did give a nice baseline for how to start addressing the issue) and there wasn't quite enough for me to feel like this will inspire the same kind of interesting discussions as some other psychology or self-help books I've read. However, this was easy to read and digest and there were a few suggestions for reframing thoughts that I thought were interesting, so it did its job of introducing the reader to new concepts that could prove helpful to readers.

[Stephanie Langston · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written, clear, and helpful guide for therapists as well as general public. Nice evolutionary description of jealousy and specific examples as well as self assessments. Clear, practical CBT and ACT-informed interventions to challenge jealousy and give someone a sense of autonomy in changing patterns of thoughts and behaviors. Excellent resource I will be sharing with clients. Also a hopeful book!

One major downfall, and the reason I only gave four stars, was the author’s consistent use of straight and primarily monogamous couples in every example. Reviewing the literature and providing an affirming book to all forms of partnered relationships would not have been hard (CHANGE PRONOUNS?!) and would have made this book applicable to more of my clients.

Additionally, this book does not cover power and control, and jealousy as a primary emotion in that context. This book is useful for adaptive relationships in which jealousy and attachment avoidance/anxiety are being experienced, NOT relationships in which abuse or intimate partner violence is occurring.

[Snowy Papaya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so grateful for this book, it has helped my partner a lot to feel understood and provided a lot of helpful exercises. The fact that he breaks down the thoughts behind the feelings is really helpful, as are the bullet points and quiz. Recommend for anyone struggling with jealousy or whose partner is struggling with jealousy, has a lot of helpful advice. This is also helpful for someone who is very jealous for no real reason, perhaps who also has OCD and anxiety, and who experiences jealous thoughts as intrusive thoughts, constantly looking for evidence and acting controlling. Its written compassionately for the person struggling with jealousy who wants help to not feel that way anymore. The explanation of the evolutionary aspects of jealousy and cultural is very helpful as well to understand better why some people feel so jealous. This has helped me understand my partner's jealousy better and support him finding ways to handle it and work through it together, rather than just being completely confused and angry in response.

[Andy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Feels more like a 3rd draft than it does a completed book. The anecdotes and examples were severely lacking, which feels like a manifestation of misunderstanding the entry points that a general audience needs. Felt ungrounded and vague at times. The writing approach probably helps in the context of working with someone on jealousy long term but it leaves much to be desired for the reader doing jealousy-work individually.

Appreciated the breadth in approaching the topic of jealousy. Also really thankful for more of the mental frameworks for thinking about thinking, thoughts, and feelings. Though cause of lack in some areas, the CBT focus did provide me with a lot of interesting and generative questions.

[Angela Martinez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really great read!

I love that CBT is used as the lens through which we evaluate jealousy in this book. There are great questions and ideas in the book that allow us to question our own thoughts about behaviour that makes us feel jealous.

Above all, there is an emphasis that relationships aren't perfect, which is the most powerful reminder in this book. Our desire for perfection is what turns words and behaviours into threats. Also, the idea that having compassion for yourself for feeling jealous, and having compassiion for your partner for his own struggles, is a really great perspective to have.

[Tasche · Rating 4 out of 5]

As much as I hate to admit that I needed to read this, it helped me a lot. There are some helpful tools in here. There is a way to make space for jealousy and develop a relationship with it that is not toxic, unhealthy or rashly reactive. It does focus on cis and gendered heteronormative couples unfortunately. I wish it didn’t really mention gender as much... there are still important tools in here for everyone even though it is dry and emotionally difficult (for me) to read. It validated my feelings and is helping me find a place for them that is not my entire headspace. I’m sure it takes practice like anything else.

[Luiz Fabricio Calland Cerqueira · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good despite being quite repetitive. As I expected some laser beam cognitive approach to Jealousy, it was a glad surprise to find a more comprehensive book, that explored multiple facets of the relationship distinctions.

On the jealousy topic, per se, it approaches it widely, far from the simple misconceptions of common sense views typical in many renowned authors, whom summarizes it merely as basic insecurity or ambivalent attachment.

Good techniques, but I doubt they would really work/engage without the help of a trained therapist.

[María · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75

It is always reassuring reading about a human emotion that has so little space in the relationships and self awareness topic and area of study. I liked the fact that the author added some methods to deal with this emotion (not getting rid of it).

I would also like that it was re-edited or refreshed with different sexualities (the constant ‘he’ and ‘she’ got me tired because it was linked with stereotypes) and forms of relationships (as to say include others than mono-normative)

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you, book, for the reminder that jealousy is one in our bouquet, and not a thing to marry with shame. The examples were kinda cheesy and I felt like I was watch daytime TV. And only at the end did the text deal with what to do when you have experienced actual (and not imagined) betrayal. Still, I will take away that what we imagine is as powerful(ly damaging and unfun) as what we live. I mean, what's the difference really.

[Cecilia · Rating 4 out of 5]

You can never cure yourself if the person who made you feel this way doesn’t change the way he behaves. There’s nothing wrong with us feeling the way we felt when the person we love and trust put us in a situation that made us feel small and being compared. I honestly honestly think the person who should read this book is not me, is the person who put me in this situation so….

[Les · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful

This book hit home with me. I am trying to better myself and the analogies in this book are easy to understand. It is very down to earth and real world in most all aspects.

[Erika Desfontaines · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing book filled with strategies and easy to understand examples to overcome one of the most human and ugly emotions we battle with. I can’t wait to put into practice some of the techniques suggested by this book. Great read. Nice and straightforward.

[Kamilya Basyrova · Rating 5 out of 5]

очень полезно для ревнивых людей. автор не сводит причины ревности к низкой самооценке, как я часто видела. он разбирает глубокие причины, механизмы поведения, чувства людей. есть стратегии, что делать. вообще продуманная и многогранная книга

[Yevhenii · Rating 5 out of 5]

It made me understand how jealousy works and why we, as human beings, even have this feeling in the first place. Knowing the mechanics of this feeling helped me separate my behavior from the stormy emotions and be more present and aware of what was going on, not overreact, and so on.

[Valentina Castagna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Questo libro ha smosso qualcosa dentro di me, un misto di curiosità e fastidio, forse perché stava facendo lavorare il mio inconscio, i miei organi interni. Però, non so ben dir cosa e se mi sia piaciuto.

[Emanuela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Una guida diretta al punto, non ci gira tanto intorno l'autore. Scrive anche pensieri piuttosto diretti, tanti esempi pratici e fantasie scomode che (volendo o no) hanno accompagnato perlomeno la maggior parte di noi. Consigliato