Becoming Partners: Marriage and its Alternatives

by Carl R. Rogers

This book is not a study of partnerships or marriage. It is about the search of men and women for relationships in the United States in the 1970s. It is a series of slices, pictures, perceptions - of relationships, breakdowns, restructurings - in a wide variety of partnerships. These views are presented in a nonevaluative fashion. Are the unions "good" or "bad" or do they belong in some other judgmental category? Unknown. But they do exist. The author hopes that you will find here highly intimate and meaningful accounts of the man-woman relationship as it is actually lived - with all its tragedies, dull plateaus, ecstatic moments or periods, and instance after instance of exciting growth.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction

243 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1972

About the author

"Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person's ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is in the process of becoming in me." -Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person

DEVELOPED THEORIES - THERAPIES
Person-Centered; Humanistic; Client-Centered; Student-Centered

TIMELINE
1902 - Carl Rogers was born in Oak Park, Illinois.
1919 - Enrolled at University of Wisconsin.
1924 - Graduated from University of Wisconsin and enrolled at Union Theological Seminary.
1926 - Transferred to Columbia.
1931- Earned Ph.D. from Columbia.
1940 - Began teaching at University of Ohio.
1946 - Elected president of American Psychological Association (APA).
1951 - Published Client-centered Therapy.
1961 - Published On Becoming A Person.

Reviews

[Pavel Annenkov · Rating 4 out of 5]

О чем книга в целом. Книга основана на беседах автора с супружескими парами и на истории его собственных семейных отношений. Интересно читать про путь развития отношений в браке разных по возрасту и социальному статусу людей и выводы, которые делает Роджерс. Тут есть чему поучиться у 70-летнего осознанного человека и одного из самых известных психотерапевтов. В очередной раз понимаешь, что переживания, страхи и проблемы преследуют все пары и что они очень похожи. Главное брать и разбираться в этом. Книга показывает как строить открытые взаимоотношения с близким человеком, ведь хорошая жизнь - это не состояние, а процесс.

Главный вывод из книги. Ни школа, ни институт, ни общество и окружение не учат нас понимать принципы человеческих взаимотноошений. Чтобы понимать себя, других и уметь жить счастливо, каждый должен сам учиться разбираться в психологических вопросах совместной жизни. Каждый взрослый и зрелый человек должен сам научить этому своих детей или по крайней мере подсказать им книги на эту тему.

[pluton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though the book is old, published in 1972, it is still interesting to read the stories of marriages from different couples, how they behaved, what they learned, what worked and didn't work — which is almost the whole book, with occasional comments from the author. There is an important summary at the end, with a few common points which seem to make marriages, and interpersonal communications, work. Another book that confirms some of the findings here is Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships.

[Rachael · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a mixed offering. Some of the interviews were interesting and Rogers’ commentary brought them to life. I liked the extension of the ‘person in process’ to the ‘relationship in process’. My favourite section was his final summation and his passing exasperation about the limitation of gendered pronouns to describe the human experience.

[Steven H · Rating 5 out of 5]

ADVICE BASED ON NUMEROUS INTERVIEWS WITH COUPLES, ETC.

Carl Ransom Rogers (1902-1987) was one of the founders of Humanistic Psychology; he was professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin (1957-1963) and the University of Chicago (1945-1957). His style of psychotherapy is known as ‘Client-Centered Therapy.’

He wrote in the Introduction to this 1972 book, “Why am I writing this book? This is a question I have not infrequently asked myself as I have worked on these chapters. Curiously enough, the unexpected answer pops into mind, ‘Because I enjoy young people.’ … Through my contacts with young people I know well the uncertainties, the fears, the beautifully honest casualness, the joys, and frustrations that mark their attempts to build some type of partnership between a man and a woman which has some thread of permanence in it---not necessarily a lifetime permanence, but something much more meaningful than a transient relationship.

“So there began to form in my mind the thought that I might have something to offer to them in some of their pioneering struggle to build new kinds of marriages and alternatives to marriage. Not a stupid book of advice, certainly, but perhaps something that is NEW… I know that you can find out anything you want to know about the EXTERNALS of marriage and partnership… But rarely do we discover a true picture of what a partnership is like, as perceived and lived and experienced from the INSIDE. That might be the new element I could add.

“I began to think of the richness of experience involved in some of the marriages and other relationships I know. Could I draw out that richness?... So I began to interview some couples, tape-recording our contacts. I asked others to write of their intimate experiences… both individuals and couples have given freely an intimate picture of marriage (or its alternatives) as the relationship is perceived from within. Such understandings and insights constitute for me---and for this book---the data for learning.” (Pg. 1-2)

He continues, “The book is… a series of slices, pictures, perceptions---of relationships, breakdowns, restructurings---in a wide variety of partnerships. These inner views are presented in a nonevaluative fashion. Are the unions ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or do they belong in some other judgmental category? I do not know. They EXIST. It is my belief that you will find here highly intimate and meaningful accounts of the man-woman relationship as it is actually lived---with all its tragedies, dull plateaus, ecstatic moments or periods, and instance after instance of exciting growth.” (Pg. 4-5)

He states in the first chapter, “It is becoming increasingly clear that a man-woman relationship will have permanence only to the degree to which it satisfies the emotional, psychological, intellectual, and physical needs of the partners. This means that the PERMANENT marriage of the future will be even better than marriage in the present, because the ideals and goals for that marriage will be of a higher order. The partners will be demanding more of the relationship than they do today.” (Pg. 8)

Rogers speaks of his own marriage to his wife, Helen. “I certainly will not try to recount all of our marriage experience. There have been periods of greater remoteness from each other, and periods of great closeness. There have been periods of real stress, squabbles, annoyance, and suffering---though we are not the kind who fight---and periods of enormous love and supportiveness. And we have always continued to share. Neither has become so involved in his own life and activity that he has had no time for sharing with the other. There is one annoying behavior which we have both exhibited at times, though I much more often than Helen. When one spouse, in a social or public situation, ridicules or humiliates the other, almost always as a ‘joke,’ trouble is brewing… I have come to see it for what it is---a cowardly copout. If I have some negative feeling about something she has done, I would much prefer to take the more courageous step of voicing it to her when we are alone, rather than ‘jokingly’ needling her in a social situation.” (Pg. 24)

He includes a chapter on ‘Marriage---Then,’ where he explains what marriage was like in 1940. (The preceding chapter on ‘Marriage---Now’ is, of course, more than 50 years old, so its ‘Now’ appeal is somewhat tarnished.) He also has a chapter on ‘Communes as Experiments in Human and Sexual Relationships.”

He is told by a husband he interviewed, “You know, our marriage, Carl, has always been saved by crisis. If you were to take the most destructive, horrible things that could happen to a marriage, and enumerate them, they have happened in our marriage and they have been the points at which we have had our great breakthroughs, to a different level of being together and relating to each other. And it’s almost as if it’s at those periods of crisis where you become so alive, so energized, and so desperate, in a way, that something happens. The rest of the time you just go along and adjust.” (Pg. 170)

He concludes, “I want to add that the concept of partnerships---married or not---as a vast and promising laboratory has been forced on me by me learning from these couples. I did not start out with this idea at all. I tried to choose reasonably representative people. They did not---and do not---seem to me to be unusual couples or unusual persons, except for their surprising willingness to tell of their life as it is. Only gradually did I see that here is an enormous, exploring experiment, going on all about us. What will be our stance toward it?

“For myself I can only say that my experience with these persons has led me to an even deeper feeling of trust in their capacity to find growthful, healing solutions to the problems of living together---if we will give them half a chance. They represent a rich resource for our country and especially for its future, if we can bring ourselves to accept and trust the seriously meaningful revolution which is taking place in partnerships.” (Pg. 220)

All of Carl Rogers’ books are well worth reading, but this one may be a bit too ‘dated’ for many readers.

[Elena Prieto · Rating 3 out of 5]

No está mal por la parte en que se muestran testimonios de experiencias (especialmente fracasos) en el matrimonio. Resultan curiosos algunos casos, pues nos pueden hacer pensar y discurrir cuáles pueden ser las causas de que unas personas decidan casarse, divorciarse, volverse a casar, volver a divorciarse, casarse con su primer marido otra vez, etc. Podemos jugar a ser sociólogos y psicólogos, pero solo jugar, porque realmente luego no se conceden explicaciones o factores que influyan en este tipo de decisiones o hechos. Tampoco se muestran ampliamente otras formas de acuerdos amorosos o familiares que no sean el matrimonio, que, por el título del propio libro, es lo que esperaba leer.

[Tiago Pires · Rating 3 out of 5]

Livro bem interessante! Interessante as reflexões que são feitas sobre as relações, as histórias das relações e o jeito que ele escreve é gostoso de ler. As reflexões sobre o que é preciso para ter uma relação duradoura também é interessante e as experiências (poucas) de não monogamia também.
É interessante que isso foi publicado em 1972. Como ponto fraco é que ele não problematiza questões que hoje são essenciais pra se pensar em relações humanas. Mas também claro, da pra entender por causa da época em que foi escrito.

[Konstantin Samoylov · Rating 3 out of 5]

The methodology Rogers used is influenced by the progressive ideology so much! So drawing global conclusions and recommendations from interviews with several people, I think, is questionable. But the interviews he conducted are great. Reading what people said was enlightening.

[Michael Lyapin · Rating 3 out of 5]

One simple idea on all pages of this book

[Nur]

that why i want to read

[Mindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of my favorites - I've read it twice now. On my second time through, after a few years in grad school, much of it seemed dated, but the overall message is relevant and important - good relationships take lots of work, and they are worth it.

[Robert · Rating 4 out of 5]

Carl Rogers delivers a book that applies his human-focused psychology to romantic relationships. It is such a charming read, being very much ahead and of its time.