How Not to Fall Apart: Lessons Learned on the Road from Self-Harm to Self-Care

by Maggy van Eijk

"She’s [Maggy is] really funny . . . If I had a self-destructive young adult in my life  . . .  this is probably the book I’d get her.” — The New York Times Book Review 

“ How Not to Fall Apart  is the book that finally understands mental health, and it'll make you feel infinitely less alone.” —HelloGiggles

Featured in  The New York Post , Lenny Letter, BuzzFeed, and more.

What no one tells you about living with anxiety and depression—learned the hard way
 
Maggy van Eijk knows the best place to cry in public. She also knows that eating super salty licorice or swimming in icy cold water are things that make you feel alive but, unlike self-harm, aren't bad for you.

These are the things to remember when you're sad.

Turning 27, Maggy had the worst mental health experience of her life so far. She ended a three-year relationship. She lost friends and made bad decisions. She drank too much and went to ER over twelve times. She saw three different therapists and had three different diagnoses. She went to two burn units for self-inflicted wounds and was escorted in an ambulance to a mental health crisis center. But that's not the end of her story.

Punctuated with illustrated lists reminiscent of Maggy's popular BuzzFeed posts, How Not to Fall Apart shares the author's hard-won lessons about what helps and what hurts on the road to self-awareness and better mental health. This is a book about what it's like to live with anxiety and depression, panic attacks, self-harm and self-loathing--and it's also a hopeful roadmap written by someone who's been there and is still finding her way.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Psychology, Memoir, Audiobook, Health

256 pages, Paperback

First published January 28, 2018

About the author

I've written a book about mental health: specifically on my experiences with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, trauma and body image.

I promise it's not all doom & gloom.

Reviews

[inciminci]

Most chapters read like articles in a women's magazine. The things Van Eijk addresses are highly personal too, so though helpful, not everything should be taken at face value.

Some advice is well-meant but highly doubtful, like the list of things she gives you can do when you feel the need to self-harm includes cutting your toe nails, listening to the music you listened to as a teenager or taking a hot shower. I'm pretty sure the music you listened to as a teenager was the music you listened to when you first self-harmed, so not very sure it can help break a pattern, it will even enhance it. And from the top of my head I can think of at least a hundred ways to hurt myself with that nail scissor or hot water, so I'm not really sure this is good advice either. But as i said, these things are personal and vary from person to person.

She writes very funny though and means well. I'm sure she's a good friend to talk to.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this! Honestly, the book is so relatable as I'm currently experiencing mental health issues myself and have started medication for it. This makes me feel normal and not so alone in it. I'm definitely looking to the lists in this when I need them.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a practical and helpful not to mention relatable book about mental health. From depression to anxiety and sex to body image, Maggy covers pretty much all the corners of mental health in this brutally honest but practical guide to mental health. All list lovers will also love this book!

[Aurora · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ik kan inmiddels gelukkig zeggen dat het beter met me gaat, maar dit boek gaf me zoveel herkenning in (voor mij) oude pijn.

Maggy heeft haar worsteling met haar mentale ziektes zo recht voor zijn raap en pijnlijk opgeschreven. Het is troostend en minder eenzaam. Daarnaast heeft Maggy lijstjes met tips gemaakt waarbij je wel waakzaam moet zijn in of het voor je werkt. Zo zou bij mij zou teennagels knippen bij zelfbeschadiging-neiging hebben geleid tot een breakdown waarbij ik mijn halve tenen zou hebben gemolesteerd. Zie de lijstjes dus niet als magische oplossingen, maar als opties om uit te proberen. Naast grote problemen bevat het boek ook ondersteuning voor kleinere worstelingen, mentale ziektes hebben natuurlijk overal invloed op. Zo komen o.a. ook relaties, seks, eenzaamheid, therapie, recovery en je baan verliezen aan bod.

Ik ben heel erg blij dat ik tegenwoordig niet meer zo verdrietig ben. Voor iedereen die worstelt met o.a. depressie, zelfhaat, angsten en/of zelfbeschadiging: geef dit boek een kans. Je bent niet alleen. En het kan écht beter worden.

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m glad this book exists. I’m glad that her agent, friends and family supported Maggy to write it. It reads like a combination of memoir, and helpful hints of things that have worked for her. And people sharing those kind of stories, especially about mental health, are so important. (Thanks also Matt Haig!) I feel that the more conversations people have about their own experiences, the bigger chance that others find someone who has shared that feeling, and that they’re not alone.

I don’t have any diagnosed Mental Health conditions, and nor do I think I have any serious undiagnosed ones either. But I recognise some behaviours, traits, or ways of coping. I have a toolkit of coping strategies (mostly healthy ones - no self-harm or drugs other than alcohol) that I rely on to keep my mind and body healthy, and to help me through the inevitable anxieties (small a), and sadnesses that come with making it into my mid forties. So I could totally relate to the lists of things to try, to reach for, to stay away from. A few friends have suggested I should share some of mine and this has made me consider that a bit more seriously.

[Caitlin H · Rating 3 out of 5]

For me, this book was just kind of okay. Despite having MDD & BPD & years of self-harming & suicidality (which i still struggle with), & even some disordered eating, i felt i most related to van Eijk the few times she talked about dogs. (Can her next book be just about dogs & how wonderful they are? Please??) There were only a few times where she would be talking about mental illness & i felt like, "i know exactly how that feels." I know that everyone's experience is individual, but i felt i couldn't really connect with the book all that much. It didn't tell me anything new; it didn't blow me away. It was okay, it just wasn't outstanding.

I would also say that, if you're in crisis mode & struggling with self-destructive thoughts/actions, to actually not read this. Van Eijk does go into detail regarding things she has been through & things she has done to herself, which can be hard to read even when you're not actively in crisis. I've been doing fairly all right recently, & even so, there were times in the book where i had to look away & take a break before continuing.

[Katie]

I won’t give this a rating because it would just be rude to rate someone’s life story. It’s a quick read, and I could see it helping people; but it has a very “millennial” feel to it that made me loose interest sometimes. Even though at 31 I’m considered a millennial by many. If I would have read this in my early 20s I think it would have resonated a lot more. And I still think it’s amazing for the author to put herself out there like she did in this book.

[Ismay Ozga · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most useful, engaging and accessible book about mental health since Matt Haig’s Reasons to Stay Alive. I just loved it.

[Jillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, insightful, funny book that makes you feel so much less alone. I related to so many things Maggy said, sometimes things I never heard anyone verbalize, in a book or in person. I was blown away by her willingness to be so personal and vulnerable, to share the way she’s succeeded in coping with mental illness, but also the way she’s still struggling and healing. She painted such a clear picture of so many experiences that at times I did feel it was a bit triggering and upsetting for me, and actually made me anxious and uncomfortable. But I think ultimately it’s because what she’s done in this book is so honest, so real, and so relatable that you can’t help but emotionally (and maybe even viscerally) respond to it. Really wonderful memoir.

[Felicite Reads · Rating 1 out of 5]

I must not be the audience for this book bc I found it annoying and incredibly unhelpful. Would not recommend.

[Marieke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Voor mij als blij ei was het heel goed en heel inzichtelijk om eens in de ik-vorm te lezen hoe het leven aanvoelt als je regelmatig knetterdepressief bent, en daar je weg in moet vinden.
Maggy is goudeerlijk en laat niets weg. Toch word je van haar boek niet neerslachtig. Knap gedaan!

[Sarah BB · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely adored this book. It was relatable, helpful, and comforting (even when talking about difficult topics such as self harm etc.) I liked that it was NOT preachy. I liked the way it was formatted with chapter titles about specific topics and had short chapters. It showed the not so glamour side to mental illness that I feel a lot of authors try to shy away from. Maggy felt like a real human being (which duh of course she is) but I mean that she felt relatable and I felt that we got to know her. It didn't feel like "I AM CURED AND BETTER THAN YOU." I liked that sense of realness that she understands how it feels and that it is not a linear process, but an ongoing battle. I have recommended this book to numerous friends (and even family). This book has found me at a difficult part in my life and I feel so grateful to Maggy. I am glad I bought it, I will be using it in the future!

:)

[Rose Snow · Rating 5 out of 5]

I honestly loved this book. It was funny, yet surprisingly relatable. I loved that the author was honest and didn't try to give a magical solution to all mental health problems. Instead she combined personal stories with lists and simpe advice that I felt was genuinely helpful.
I also enjoyed the fact that the book covered a variety of mental health issues and showed the struggles they cause in different aspects of life (social life, dating, drinking, friends, social media) and small steps to combat them.
This isn't the first mental health book I have picked up, but it is definitely the best I've come across so far. I think it's safe to say I'll be rereading it in the future.

[Rosamund · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were struggles in here that I'd never seen written down before and had never even thought of as symptoms — I'd considered them to be some inherent, negative part of who I am — so I'm glad I'm not alone! Sometimes I wished it was a bit less chatty (though I guess the "relatability" is part of the appeal), that there was less of a focus on relationships, and that there were some stats or science to explain why xyz might happen, but in the end it's one person's experience. Overall I think it would be helpful to many.

[Cassie Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

While this book will not change your world it is worth a read, especially if you’re a twenty-something dealing with anxiety/depression/self-harm. What is so different about this book compared to others on the topic is the actual light-hearted nature of it. It is certainly about a serious issue but it’s target audience deals with the heavy weight of mental illness every day and friends/family tend to take it extremely serious (not to say they shouldn’t). However, those of us in a similar situation accept this is our life and sometimes you just need to have a sense of humor about it.

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

The truest of examples of a warm hug of a book! Felt like Maggy was talking directly to me at points 💖💖💖💖

[Hugo Demets · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ik kwam dit boek toevallig in de bibliotheek tegen, en de titel trok me aan, misschien was het een zelfhulpboek dat ik kon gebruiken. Maar al na een uurtje lezen wist ik dat ik dit niet voor mij was geschreven. De auteur heeft een leven van depressies, zelfverminking en anorexie achter de rug. Uiteindelijk kreeg ze ook de diagnose borderline.

Maar omdat het zo onderhoudend is geschreven, besloot ik het als ontspanning verder te lezen. Het boek is zo geschreven dat je echt in de hersenen van de auteur mee kan kijken, en zorgt zo voor heel veel begrip voor de auteur en voor andere mensen die aan een psychische stoornis lijden.

Door haar verhaal op te schrijven, haar hoofd binnenstebuiten te keren en het onzichtbare zichtbaar te maken, wilde auteur mensen helpen die in een vergelijkbare situatie verkeren. Mensen die het gevoel hebben vast te zitten en geen uitweg zien. Want hoe uitzichtloos je situatie je ook lijkt, er is altijd een vluchtroute. Dit boek wil zeggen: “Hey jij daar, je bent niet alleen. Ik maak hetzelfde door."

Ik had in ieder geval naar het lezen van het boek het voornemen dat ik nooit meer zou oordelen over de bijzondere gedachten, die een eerste kenmerk zijn als je iemand leert kennen die mogelijk een psychische aandoening heeft.

Het boek bevat na elk hoofdstuk ook handige lijstjes om, vanuit de ervaring van de auteur, beter met angst, paniek en andere energie-vretende gedachten om te gaan. Het boek lijkt me ook een functie te hebben als je een naaste hebt die regelmatig zo’n gedachten heeft.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Three and a half stars.

This book made me feel a tiny bit less alone and overwhelmed. I appreciated Van Eijk's honesty; a lot of her thoughts were achingly familiar. Personally, I found the first half of the book to be stronger than the latter half, but perhaps it is just that the first half resonated with me more.

"Ultimately, your mental illness lies to you. It'll tell you that everything is wrong and that you have no future. It'll tell you that you should be ashamed and you're a nuisance and you don't deserve to get help" (2-3).

"Recovery isn't a before-and-after photo. It's not a straightforward journey from one point to another" (216).

[Mirjam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pfoe, wat heeft Maggy veel dingen uitgeprobeerd om van haar verdriet, angsten en andere nare gevoelens af te komen! Heerlijk, zo'n overzicht van alles wat wel en niet werkt.
Ik las het boek uit belangstelling en niet uit noodzaak. Misschien kwam het daardoor dat ik me angstiger ging voelen en me meer bewust werd van mijn eigen gekke gedachten tijdens het lezen. Een tikkeltje riskant als je op het randje van de put staat, maar als je eenmaal in de put zit lijkt het me een enorm goede handleiding om er weer uit te klimmen.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this autobiography of mental health. The humor that the author put in made it relatable. I wouldn’t categorize this book as “self help” though since it didn’t teach the how” of coping skills in a clinical way. Worth the read if you are looking for a personable mental health book that makes life struggles relatable and validating

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up on a whim from my library's mental health display, and I really enjoyed it. I felt seen! With chapter titles including "Remember This When You're Scared of Your Own Brain" and "Remember This When You Want to Hurt Yourself," I felt like a lot of the author's experiences were relatable. What she described tends to be glossed over in mental health discussions, but is still so important. This is exactly what I needed to read right now.

[Lau · Rating 5 out of 5]

ME ENCANTÓ ME ENCANTÓ, AAAA QUE LECTURA MÁS BUENA, últimamente sentía que los libros de self help y mental health se me estaban haciendo repetitivos y con una mirada científica muy marcada que hasta le quitaba lo impersonal pero este waaa repito, me encanta, me sentí TAAAN identificada y fue tan lindo y único eso, el poder leer(me) y sentirme, realmente lo recomiendo muchisimo, sin duda un libro buenísimo y te genera esta sensación tanto de abrazar a la escritora como de abrazarte a ti misme🥺💘

[Renée Peereboom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ik hou niet van zelfhulpboeken en ben heel slecht in non-fictieboeken daadwerkelijk uitlezen, maar dit had ik in drie dagen uit. Wat een fijn boek. Nee, Maggy’s problemen en de mijne zijn niet hetzelfde (hoewel: toen die overgeeffobie werd genoemd maakte mijn hart een sprongetje), maar ze weet haar worstelingen op zo’n manier te beschrijven dat er toch heel veel is waarin iedereen die ook worstelt zich kan herkennen. Ik voelde me minder eenzaam, ik voelde me gezien en begrepen, en dat is heel waardevol.

[Norshafarina Faharuddin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me feel less anxious and depressed; it made me calm.

 

It's like a comfort book, although some of the recommendations might be inappropriate or irrelevant for certain cultures and religions. Still, it's a good book for self-love and self-care. 

[Sarah Alvarez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first non-fiction book about mental illness that I've been able to get all the way through without having a panic attack, and I am so happy to have stumbled across this book. Maggy paints a picture of anxiety and intrusive thoughts that made me feel so seen. At moments, it felt like she pulled the words straight from my head.

She made me feel better about crying almost every day and made me feel less alone for not feeling anything at all when I'm in an anxious/depressive state. She perfectly articulated how amazing it can feel to have a dog (or other animals/pets) around when you feel like shit. Her deep love of books as a form of escapism and her lists for self-care were such important reminders that I am not alone in my coping mechanisms that I cried tears of relief listening to some parts. AND bonus points because she mentioned my favorite band in chapter 2. And while I personally haven't struggled with self-harm, I still connected so deeply with so many of Maggy's words about anxiety.

I borrowed this from the library but will be buying a copy for myself (to have some of her lists available to reference when I need them) and for friends in the very near future.

[Riley Kyle Dignan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly I think this book is incredible. It’s a realistic perspective on mental illness, and offers advice that’s actually feasible for those of us who deal with mental health issues instead of just saying ‘take a shower! you’ll feel better!’. The author suffers from BPD, which isn’t outlined in the summary of the book, but I found to be a nice surprise because that’s the mental illness I suffer with the most. She talks in a real, easy to understand manner while explaining her personal experiences with depression, self harm, anxiety, and borderline symptoms. She does get into a bit of graphic detail (particularly about self harm), which can catch some people off guard if they don’t previously know going in, but I find that it’s necessary to the realism of the story she’s telling. Overall, I really recommend this book to anyone who deals with mental health issues.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

van Eijk didn't provide me with any techniques that were new to me, but she helped to reframe my perspective on some CBT techniques. This book is very CBT with a lot of practical help in healing and supporting people. But van Eijk's approach is interesting - she has lots of Buzzfeed-style lists of things that help her feel alive, ways to manage emotions without self harm, etc. And while these lists may not be unique, they helped me see outside the framework of typical CBT. There are a lot of things that people do already (or want to do) that can help them heal. This book helped me gain some different ideas about tools to equip clients with and reframe what can be a healing practice to someone.

[Kathrynisreading · Rating 5 out of 5]

“My body is not my enemy. It just overreacts” 💧
~ How Not To Fall Apart
Lessons Learned on the Road from Self-Harm to Self-Care, Maggy Van Eijk ☔️
•
When I checked this book out at the library the young female librarian smiled at me & said “I just read this, it’s amazing. You are going to love it!” ☔️
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She was 100% correct this is a unfiltered story told with great bravery by Van Eijk. When your reading her words you feel as though she has written them just for you! Thank you to the female librarian for passing along this book to me now I want to go & pass it book along to as many of my female friends as possible! It’s such a necessary read. It’s beautifully done & I couldn’t of loved it more ☔️

[Elizabeth Good · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, this book kind of nearly literally fell off the library shelf at me. I do suffer with depression to an often disabling degree, but not the types of anxieties nor most behaviors the author addresses. So I would not have sought this book out. Nonetheless I was meant to read it, and I found it to be one of the most normalizing, compassionate, sweet, raw, brave, and even humorous books about mental health I’d ever seen. Hence my high rating. There were just little bits and quotes I wanted to save forever—pithy thoughts and tips for any human who suffers (that would be: any human who is paying attention!). Definitely would recommend to 20-30 year olds who deal with these issues, in particular. Well-done, Maggy, and long may you thrive!

[Zoë · Rating 4 out of 5]

Maggy has a lovely narrative voice and her guidebook is a helpful insight in to the complexities of metal health and ill-health and self-care. A good read for anyone, whether you've had a rocky journey in parts, a few wobbles or have been blessed with consistent mental wellness. It's aimed at slightly younger audience than that which I find myself in, I suspect, but very relevant to any young or young-ish person struggling with self worth, self-image or the world of social media in general. Good luck with everything Maggy, your honesty and richness of experience will definitely help lots of people!