When I was a boy, I read books. Devoured them, to be more precise. And in the reading came the shaping of both my imagination and my spiritual formation. I discovered belief in story, in narrative, and in creativity.
So much of who I am and what I believe can be found by simply perusing my bookshelves. My spiritual path was no less arduous or magical than that of Dorothy's wandering along the yellow-brick road or Christian's as he makes his way to the Celestial City. Though the books I read as a child were an escape from the boredom of school or the loneliness of my boyhood, they were also journeys into learning awe, amazement, wonder, delight, bravery, honesty, generosity, and that there was more to this world than my young philosophy could dream of, though they did start me dreaming grander, bigger, and more expansively about what was truly possible. Fantasy and fairy tales made me believe that the impossible was possible and opened my young spirit to allowing for miracles, for the Incarnation, for the Resurrection, and for eternal life to exist in a world far beyond our own, and created a longing in me for a home I had never seen but knew would be the place where I most belonged.
As a boy, I filled my imagination with writers like George MacDonald, E. Nesbit, C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, Edward Eager, T.H. White, and Diana Wynne Jones. It was only as I got older that I would discover and read the theological works of writers like MacDonald and Lewis, though their fantasy novels would be the wardrobe that led me from reading about mystery into Divine Mystery. It was such fairy tales and fantasies that opened me up to the power of language and story, which I would encounter even more greatly when I first began reading a copy of the Bible given to me by the Presbyterian church my family attended. I loved stories that began, "Once upon a time . . ." or "Once there was a boy . . ." or "A long time ago . . ." These words of entry into a more magical realm of possibility allowed me to make that leap to "In the beginning . . ." as the scripture starts.
The library, like my church, became a holy place. It was filled with words and story and wisdom. "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God." When I first read that sentence in the Gospel of John, I could love this God, this God of words, who created through words, and who understood, like fairy tales, the importance of giving something a name, a true name.
"The Word became flesh."
What an idea. What a glorious, marvelous idea! As a boy reading this phrase for the first time gave me goosebumps. It was magical and wondrous. And, unlike the fairy tales I read, this was true. And its name, Incarnation, was no less magical and reminded me of incantation, the series of magic spells or charms. Some reading this might think my spiritual logic was heretical and would condemn me for connecting the gospel to things like magic (some shudder, gasp, and balk at the mere idea - it reeks of witchcraft and wizardry), but I understood the difference between magic (which was make-believe) and miracles (which even nature was filled with: birth, life, death, rebirth). Writers like MacDonald, Lewis, and Tolkien were not only great fantasists, they were also Christians whose works shaped and formed my own faith. Yet it was a fateful encounter in our local school library that would introduce me to an author who would continue to have a huge impact on my own beliefs, on my ability to accept paradox and questioning within my faith, and in whom I would find a kindred spirit.
And it all started when I took a well-worn paperback down from the school library's shelf.
There was something magical and mysterious and even creepy about the cover that gathered in my boyish imagination and I found myself checking it out and I found myself wanting desperately to begin reading it immediately, but, alas, couldn't because we had something far more important to learn like boring old math. I would have to wait until recess. While other kids, including my friends, were running and laughing and enjoying playing outside, I hid myself beneath a tree, opened the book and read, "It was a dark and stormy night." Never before had I read a fantasy book (or was it science fiction? Or was it both?) that was so Christian. Though I had heard sermons about it, there in story form, was this theological truth, "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong" (1st Corinthians 1:27). Meg Murry, who disliked so much about herself (something I could deeply relate to), learned that her faults could also be her strengths. I loved Meg and I loved Madeleine for creating her (not knowing that so much of Meg was Madeleine herself).
When I finished reading A Wrinkle in Time, I instantly started re-reading it and did until I had to turn it back in to the school library the next week. At which time, I quickly checked out the next book, A Wind in the Door.
Reading these amazing stories, I wondered who this conjurer of magical worlds was. Who was Madeleine L'Engle? This was long before the Internet and the ability to simply Google someone or to ask Alexa. I don't remember how I finally came across a photograph of Madeleine L'Engle, but when I did I saw this woman who had on enormous glasses and I gasped in delight, "She's Mrs. Who!" And like Mrs. Who, L'Engle taught me to see the light in the darkness, and to see what others cannot see.
Just as she was Meg, Madeleine was also Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who, and Mrs. Which, the guardian angels. And she was a guardian angel in her own way to me over the years.
After my family left the Presbyterian denomination for more far conservative, evangelical or even Pentecostal ones, I found myself becoming isolated from the biblical stories I so loved and the Jesus I wanted to follow. It was a time when I began hearing about a divide between the secular world and the sacred world, though they didn't use that far too Catholic word; instead, hiding behind masking words like "pure," "clean," "edifying," and "Christian." I was baffled. I had grown up believing, as the poet Gerard Manly Hopkins had written that "the world was charged with the grandeur of God." I had been taught that God had created all things and declared all things "good," but now I had been thrust out of this Eden into one where there was an "us" and a "them," where there was "either/or" instead of "but/and." I was lost.
They were distrustful of the imagination, of all things magical, of any kind of secular music, and of the culture in general. It was fearful. I had been taught that God had not given us a spirit of fear, but this was a religion steeped in distrust and fear. I believe that is what religion really is: it is when faith is replaced by fear.
My questions were not welcome in such churches. They did not embrace paradox, or mystery, or doubt of any kind. Doubt meant only a lack of faith. Just believe. When forced to draw a line between such black and white beliefs, I found myself unable to accept what they were demanding of me. Maybe I wasn't a Christian, after all. Maybe I was one of the lost who, when the rapture took place, would be left behind. I lived in constant fear and worry.
Once again, Madeleine L'Engle was a voice crying out in the wilderness.
"To be truly Christian," she wrote, "means to see Christ everywhere, to know him as all in all."
Madeleine reminded me what it really meant to have faith, to follow Christ, and that it was okay to have questions and to read the Bible as story and not literally, in that either/or manner of "Either you believe that everything was created exactly as the book of Genesis says it was or you do not believe any of the Bible." She reminded me that there was not this line between sacred and secular.
"Life cannot be separated into secular and sacred," she wrote, "that if God created everything, and called it good, then all of life is good, and only we can see it as sacrilegious. Just as the act of making love can be so sacramental, so can all aspects of our lives, even the most lowly. If we cannot pray in the bathroom, it is not likely that we will be able to pray anywhere."
I both laughed aloud and nodded my head in agreement with her wisdom.YES! Like those who are guided by the Spirit, who are like the wind and we know not where they are coming or going, so, too, was the writing of Madeleine L'Engle for me. She did not write like those I heard preaching and teaching in the church and I was thankful for that. Her works became a spiritual oasis in a theological desert. She made me remember that the gospel was good news.
Through works like her Crosswicks Journals, her Genesis Trilogy, her poetry, her other theological works (such as The Rock That is Higher), and her Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art, I encountered a mind that was both Christian and thinking. She did not see a disconnect between science and the sacred, between art and faith, paradox and belief. She offered me the "and/but" of being able to have questions without answers, of realizing that it is a Divine Mystery, that the more we understood of science the bigger and grander God became.
In her book A Light So Lovely: The Spiritual Legacy of Madeleine L'Engle, Sarah Arthur writes of L'Engle being an icon. Many evangelicals will disdainfully dismiss the notion of iconography and connect it to idols, but they miss the point of spiritual icons. Icons are not representations of the holy, they are meant to reflect the sacred. Scripture teaches that we are all Imago Dei, created in the divine image; therefore we are all icons - images of the holy, of the sacred.
In Arthur's book, she quotes Thomas Bona as saying that he loved L'Engle's "joyful uncertainty" and when I read that phrase, I completely understood what he meant. What I loved and responded to in L'Engle's writing was that she showed you why she was a Christian and did not hide her own struggles, doubts, wrestlings, wonderings, and wanderings. Perhaps that was why so many of the people I went to church with were horrified that I would read L'Engle, whom they saw as dangerous and a universalist.
In A Light so Lovely, Arthur recounts an event that took place between Madeleine and a student at a conservative evangelical college during a Q&A session. He asked her if she was what my fellow church-goers said she was: a universalist. When she told him she wasn't, he came back with, "But your books do seem to indicate that you believe that God is forgiving."
"What an extraordinary statement!" Madeleine exclaimed.
Sarah Arthur writes: The conversation devolved from there, with the student backpedaling a bit, and Madeleine pressing him, "I don't think God is going to fail with Creation. I don't worship a failing God, Do you want God to fail?"
Well, insisted the student, there had to be "absolute justice."
"Is that what you want?" she demanded. ". . . Me, I want lots and lots of mercy. Don't you want mercy at all?"
Unlike those whom I attended church with, sat side by side with during worship and sermons, I was not shocked or horrified by her theology. Instead, I could trace it back to a writer we both loved and admired: George MacDonald. MacDonald believed that because of God's grace, none would fail to ultimately unite with God. He wrote, "I believe that no man is ever condemned for any sin except one—that he will not leave his sins and come out of them, and be the child of him who is his Father." He was forced to resign his pulpit in 1853. Yet MacDonald's sermons and writing would go on to influence C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, Oswald Chambers, G.K. Chesterton, and Madeleine L'Engle. Lewis once wrote of his great debt to MacDonald, "I have never concealed the fact that I regarded him as my master; indeed I fancy I have never written a book in which I did not quote from him."
Madeleine L'Engle would later say, about the charge of universalism, "what the evangelicals mean by universalism is that all of a sudden, and for no particular reason, God is going to wave a magic wand and say, 'Okay, everybody, out of hell, home free.' So, no, I say I am not a universalist; that plays trivially with free will."
As I read Sarah Arthur's A Light so Lovely, I was reminded yet again of why I respond and love the work of L'Engle so much. Even the title of this book comes from one of my favorite L'Engle quotes, "We draw people to Christ not by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it." This is how I try to live my spiritual life: to walk daily in such a way that those around me want to know the meaning of my joy and contentment or why I believe what I believe.
Madeleine L'Engle's expansive and often unorthodox theology allowed for my own. She taught me about possibility and paradox, about the importance of story and narrative within the Bible, and of the steadfastness of God (something I discover a lot in the Psalms). In regards to his steadfastness, she sounds like a Psalmist when she writes, "I will have nothing to do with a God who cares only occasionally. I need a God who is with us always, everywhere, in the deepest depths as well as the highest heights. It is when things go wrong, when good things do not happen, when our prayers seem to have been lost, that God is most present. We do not need the sheltering wings when things go smoothly. We are closest to God in the darkness, stumbling along blindly." As someone who struggles deeply with depression, these are words I desperately need and cling to.
Sarah Arthur's book is a much-needed exploration of the wide and generous faith of Madeleine L'Engle as well as dealing with both the late author's strengths and weaknesses, including her taking quite liberally from the life of her family for her writing. She reminds us of why L'Engle's work is so necessary and offers those who were both friends of L'Engle that had both discussions and debates about theology and creativity with her. This book paints her as complex as she really was and made me want to go back and reread many of L'Engle's books that have so shaped both my imagination and spiritual formation.