I Fell in Love with an Asexual: Navigating Needs Without Blame When You Like Sex, Your Partner Doesn't, & Asexuality Is a Possibility

by Dave Wheitner, Evan Ocean

Winner, Sexuality, 6th Annual Beverly Hills Book Awards.

Are you in a sexless marriage or relationship with someone who may be asexual? Praised by leading sexuality experts, this self-help memoir from the sexual partner's perspective is a first.

Asexuality remains the "invisible orientation," largely unknown & misunderstood. Asexual people experience little or no sexual attraction, and the majority do not desire sex.

Also in the shadows are many sexually motivated partners of asexuals in sexless marriages. Sometimes both partners are unaware of their differences until a sexless relationship creates frustration and confusion. And it can happen with couples of any sex and gender combination.

For both people to be happy, something needs to shift.

Blending elements of Evan Ocean's intimate story with his own, Dave Wheitner shares expertise and perspective from counseling and psychology degrees, sexuality and intimacy training, and firsthand experiences similar to Evan's. The book cites 120+ sources, including works by asexual authors.

Whether you're a sexually motivated partner or relationship professional, the candid story, insights, tools, and tips will resonate with you.

This second edition incorporates community feedback on the first edition.

This book candidly shares a sexually motivated person’s blunders and misunderstandings while learning about asexuality. It acknowledges and validates emotions like frustration, resentment, and rejection, while guiding the reader toward a place of increased understanding. It condemns violations of consent and offers guidance on moving beyond sexual entitlement. It supports the reader in owning the expression and expansion of their own sexuality.

PARTIAL CONTENT OVERVIEW

Part A candid memoir about the challenges of a mixed-orientation relationship, from the sexual partner’s perspective. A detailed explanation of what asexuality is and isn’t. A primer on concepts including attraction, desire, libido, and arousal.

Part How to clarify what you want. Identify common internal obstacles to sex and pleasure, such as guilt and shame. Begin to accept and forgive yourself and your partner if necessary. Address feelings of entitlement if needed. Learn to manage “no” and "yes" better. Start to take more ownership of your own sexuality.

Part Ways to expand physical and emotional intimacy with your partner, and also with others if desired. Types of intimacy and giving styles, foreplay, non-genital sensual touch, snuggle parties, polyamory, and other topics.

Part Strategies for becoming a better sexual partner. Improve presence, awareness, and communication; enlist creativity; address body insecurities; gain perspective on topics like masturbation and porn; make time for sex; and more.

Part Guidance on coming out to others, enlisting support, and preparing to shift out of a relationship if other options don’t work. Loosen the grip of the societal “sexual control matrix.”

This book is *not* intended to The author has also created an FAQs davewheitner.com/books/i-fell-love-as...

374 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 23, 2018

About the author

Dave guides others to create happier and more powerful lives through his strategic life coaching practice, and is a lifelong student of human behavior and social interaction. He is an award-winning author of several books.

Raised in a blue-collar Ohio neighborhood, Dave earned his B.A. in Psychology from Yale University, M.A. in Counseling from Indiana University of Pennsylvania, M.S. in Public Policy and Management from Carnegie Mellon University, and Life Coach Certification from the Institute for Life Coach Training. He has presented to various groups including the North American Vegetarian Society and American Mensa.

Alongside participating in various workshops and trainings on awareness, authenticity, sensuality, sexuality, and personal growth, he has worked on a number of projects related to social, ecological, and economic sustainability, and health and well-being.

Dave also enjoys attending and sometimes facilitating snuggle parties, cooking and baking (especially anything involving chocolate and waffles), composing dance music with social consciousness themes, beatboxing (creating rhythm and percussion with the mouth), gardening, hiking, and running in nature. He previously bicycled across the United States for charity, and has interests in sustainable communities that transform our connections with food, energy, and one another.

Reviews

[Alice · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author’s personal story was interesting, but feels limiting for the scope of options for individuals in relationships with asexuals or very low desire partners.

I did find the book contained a lot of helpful information on how to process the relationship and what choices to consider, but please don’t disregard all the good information if opening your relationship isn’t the right option for you. It’s not all that the book is about, it’s just the authors experience.

[Tanay Sharma · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’re someone with a decent sex drive and wondering how things could work out with an ace partner, I’d highly recommend this book.

The author understands the range of emotions you’d feel and things you can expect. Plus, what you could apply within your own relationship.