Kiss Daddy Goodnight

by Louise Armstrong

Kiss Daddy A Speak-Out on Incest

Genres: Biography

Paperback

First published March 29, 1979

Reviews

[Steven H · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE PATHBREAKING BOOK ABOUT FAMILY INCEST

Louise Armstrong (1937-2008) was an author and activist. In the first chapter of this 1978 book, she details experiences with her father. At fourteen years old, “I saw my father now as a glamorous figure who got free theater tickets and would sometimes invite me along… At dinner we talked… like grown-ups. And, like a grown up, I told him carelessly that, since he asked, yes, I had slept with a fellow recently for the first time. (I carefully did not tell him that ‘slept with’ ... had been a technically accurate description. [No sex, in other words.]) …

“[T]hat night … we were to share a room… [with] separate beds… he told tales of bisexuality among the theatrically famous, which I supposed to be droll, so I laughed. I was nervous. I would have laughed at anything. I knew what was in the air. A will-he, won’t he charge… the important thing in my mind was that (at fourteen) I wanted to be held---by my daddy. The way 6-year-olds are. Nevertheless, what I got in the end, just as I was finally, definitely, decidedly drifting in my own bed and drifting off to sleep, was oral rape. But surely, at fourteen, I should have been capable of escaping, of preventing that… And I would have been, too, you bet, if I hadn’t so carefully preserved a portion of my kid-self … that portion which held as tightly to a belief in the magical powers of fathers as to a stuffed animal.” (Pg. 4-6)

She continues, “More than ten years had passed since my father’s death… [I] had long lost the dailiness of my sense of trust violated… [I] had friends to whom I felt I could say anything. When I said, ‘My father chased me around a hotel room,’ I found them uncomfortable, blank. No one ever asked, ‘Did he catch you?’ Rather… [they] changed the subject… Why? Because you don’t talk about it. Why? Because it’s taboo… Nothing else is taboo except cannibalism---and that seems more like an aesthetic taboo… What kind of working taboo has such a high incidence of violation?... A true taboo is a true deterrent. Sexual abuse of a child by parent, it would seem, then, is not a taboo. TALKING about it is taboo. Why? You just don’t say such things.” (Pg. 6-8)

She explains, “‘But can’t (as any number of fellows have intimated to me)---can’t there ever be such a thing as happy sexual involvement with one’s children?... Sex, after all, is a form of love, an expression of affection.’ Because, I have answered back, when you speak of someone’s being just like a father, are you describing a sexual relationship? Why is it necessary for men to eroticize all positive, affectionate, even sensual responses? And why are men such victims of their own sexuality?” (Pg. 132)

She notes, “It’s troubling that a major part of these treatment programs---while helping the father understand he has done something wrong and take responsibility for what he did---ask mother to swallow her share of the blame, too. ‘The father rapes and brutalizes,’ said Florence Rush, ‘and it turns out to be the mother’s fault, and responsibility. Has anyone ever thought of the fantastic notion of getting rid of the father?’” (Pg. 204)

She states in the Afterword, “I don’t know, no one does know, how many women sexually abuse their sons and daughters. If, as had been suggested, some men sexually abuse their daughters out of a sense of impotence that permeates the rest of their lives… then it certainly stands to reason that a certain number of women, powerless along all other avenues, might abuse their parental power too. But … it also stands to reason that more women even though powerless and desperately frustrated, would experience a strong and constant involvement with the child-as-child… [and] would have a far stronger sense of themselves as parent.” (Pg. 265)

She asks, “What is our commonality? First and foremost, that sharp sense of betrayal and trust, a KIND of trust we can now never have. Certainly, some of us learn to trust again, but only appropriately, only in present reality.” (Pg. 267)

She asks, “What are the patterns of incest families?... I think the answer, mine, is not reassuring… The abusive father must have a sense of paternalistic prerogative in order to even begin to rationalize what he’s doing: playing doctor with his own kid… he must have a perception of his children as possessions, as OBJECTS. He must see his children as there to meet his needs---rather than the other way around.” (Pg. 268)

She summarizes, “It seems apparent, both by its incidence and by the noticeable absence of any sincere widespread dread of retribution, that incest is not truly a taboo. Just a very, very long-lived, well-suppressed secret. The most reassuring thought I have is that, as long as society refuses to sanction it, breaking open the secret may well break down the incidence.” (Pg. 272)

Although this topic is not one that is easy to approach, Armstrong’s book remains as powerful as it was when first written.

[r o a c h]

I’m not going to rate this book as it’s too much of a real issue to actually rate, but I feel as though the author really tries to downplay the abuse of boys & men. Don’t get me wrong, the interviews in this book are harrowing and horrific, but the author radiates a sense of hate for men, and is almost ignorant to male victims of sexual abuse at times.

Worth reading though and really helps understand how victims of abuse cope with their abuse into their adult lives, as well as giving us a closer look at how incest affects the family and surroundings.

[Vicki Gooding · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book are different true, sick stories of incest. Very difficult that there are so many who have had this happen to them.

[April Daniels · Rating 4 out of 5]

Presented as a "Resource for Further Reading" in both the 1992 and 1993 editions of Paperdolls: Healing from Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods.

[A · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think when it comes to incest abuse people turn a blind eye because they know how normalized child abuse is. I’m not just talking about what’s outright depicted in this book, but the oppression of children in society, of those who are acceptable targets of subjugation.

We often like to pride ourselves as a people that take child abuse seriously—but can that be said? By reading the accounts of long on going child abuse, the neglect, the mother who turned a blind eye, the useless teachers and doctors, the lack of conversation surrounding incest, are we actually a serious group of individuals who truly care for the well being of children?

The writing is poignant of course and it’s slightly disheartening to me Armstrong is one of the very and I mean VERY few people in the literary world to tackle incest from a feminist perspective. In fiction it’s often used a literary tool, or worse, for fetishization. It’s been 30+ years and she still remains one of the only ones to get it right. Sadly.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

An astonishing book which consists of a series of accounts of incest. Delivered with a journalist's sense of inquiry, and nary a trace of sleazy exploitation, it's a real jaw-dropper. It's as simple as that, and I read the thing close to 30 years ago, and have never forgotten it.

[Stephy · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was the first time I ever saw the word "Incest" in a public bookstore.