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Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You
Humans have a natural instinct to help others.
Imagine walking up to a stranger on the subway and asking them for their seat. What about asking a random person on the street if you could borrow their phone? If the idea makes you squeamish, you're not alone--social psychologists have found that doing these very things makes most of us almost unbearably uncomfortable.
But here's the funny even though we hate to ask for help, most people are wired to be helpful. And that's a good thing, because every day in the modern, uber-collaborative workplace, we all need to know when and how to call in the cavalry.
However, asking people for help isn't intuitive; in fact, a lot of our instincts are wrong. As a result, we do a poor job of calling in the reinforcements we need, leaving confused or even offended colleagues in our wake.
This pragmatic book explains how to get it right. With humor, insight, and engaging storytelling, Heidi Grant, PhD, describes how to elicit helpful behavior from your friends, family, and colleagues--in a way that leaves them feeling genuinely happy to lend a hand.
Whether you're a first-time manager or a seasoned leader, getting people to pitch in is what leadership is. Fortunately, people have a natural instinct to help other human beings; you just need to know how to channel this urge into what it is you specifically need them to do. It's not manipulation. It's just management.
Imagine walking up to a stranger on the subway and asking them for their seat. What about asking a random person on the street if you could borrow their phone? If the idea makes you squeamish, you're not alone--social psychologists have found that doing these very things makes most of us almost unbearably uncomfortable.
But here's the funny even though we hate to ask for help, most people are wired to be helpful. And that's a good thing, because every day in the modern, uber-collaborative workplace, we all need to know when and how to call in the cavalry.
However, asking people for help isn't intuitive; in fact, a lot of our instincts are wrong. As a result, we do a poor job of calling in the reinforcements we need, leaving confused or even offended colleagues in our wake.
This pragmatic book explains how to get it right. With humor, insight, and engaging storytelling, Heidi Grant, PhD, describes how to elicit helpful behavior from your friends, family, and colleagues--in a way that leaves them feeling genuinely happy to lend a hand.
Whether you're a first-time manager or a seasoned leader, getting people to pitch in is what leadership is. Fortunately, people have a natural instinct to help other human beings; you just need to know how to channel this urge into what it is you specifically need them to do. It's not manipulation. It's just management.
161 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 12, 2018
75 people are currently reading
739 people want to read
About the author
Heidi Grant Halvorson
15 books178 followersDr. Heidi Grant Halvorson is a social psychologist who researches, writes, and speaks about the science of motivation. She is the Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia Business School, and author of the best-selling books:
Succeed: How We Can All Reach Our Goals, Nine Things Successful People Do Differently, Focus: Use Different Ways of Seeing The World for Success and Influence (co-written with E. Tory Higgins), and The 8 Motivational Challenges.
HGH is also a contributor to the Harvard Business Review, 99u, Fast Company, WSJ.com, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today.
In addition to her work as author and co-editor of the highly-regarded academic book The Psychology of Goals (Guilford, 2009), she has authored papers in her field’s most prestigious journals, including the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, European Journal of Social Psychology, and Judgment and Decision Making. She has received numerous grants from the National Science Foundation for her research on goals and achievement.
HGH is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Association for Psychological Science, and the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, and was recently elected to the highly selective Society for Experimental Social Psychology. She gives frequent invited addresses and speaks regularly at national conferences, and is available for speaking and consulting engagements, primarily in education, marketing, and management. She received her PhD in social psychology from Columbia University
Succeed: How We Can All Reach Our Goals, Nine Things Successful People Do Differently, Focus: Use Different Ways of Seeing The World for Success and Influence (co-written with E. Tory Higgins), and The 8 Motivational Challenges.
HGH is also a contributor to the Harvard Business Review, 99u, Fast Company, WSJ.com, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today.
In addition to her work as author and co-editor of the highly-regarded academic book The Psychology of Goals (Guilford, 2009), she has authored papers in her field’s most prestigious journals, including the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, European Journal of Social Psychology, and Judgment and Decision Making. She has received numerous grants from the National Science Foundation for her research on goals and achievement.
HGH is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Association for Psychological Science, and the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, and was recently elected to the highly selective Society for Experimental Social Psychology. She gives frequent invited addresses and speaks regularly at national conferences, and is available for speaking and consulting engagements, primarily in education, marketing, and management. She received her PhD in social psychology from Columbia University
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews
January 13, 2019
A little baggy but I am going to be returning to this book a few times in the coming months. (Already diarised to do so!) Some of Grant's insights are invaluable, and I intend on "reinforcing" them with myself, having moved from a very selfish role to a very selfless one this kind of writing is essential. She writes clearly(most of the time, some of her anecdotes are superfluous!), with a light touch and an intent to enlighten which I find really rewarding, I whipped through this book in no time once I got past Ch1.
June 16, 2018
A lovely, single topic business book all about why we find it difficult to ask for help and how to overcome our reservations and just do it better.
Five stars because it is well written, evidence-based, useful and an idea which is disproportionately powerful. Five stars especially because it does these things and keeps to 200 pages. Few business books should be longer than this.
Recommend d on the basis that I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t benefit from reading this.
Five stars because it is well written, evidence-based, useful and an idea which is disproportionately powerful. Five stars especially because it does these things and keeps to 200 pages. Few business books should be longer than this.
Recommend d on the basis that I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t benefit from reading this.
December 15, 2018
Thank you Harvard Business Review Press and Netgalley for this ARC.
This book reminds us to have the courage to ask for help, something that is difficult for many people,. Heidi Grant writes that this inability to request assistance is detrimental to our success and by building this muscle we will see positive outcomes in other areas of our life.
It was an interesting, motivating read to encourage me to reach out a little more regularly .
This book reminds us to have the courage to ask for help, something that is difficult for many people,. Heidi Grant writes that this inability to request assistance is detrimental to our success and by building this muscle we will see positive outcomes in other areas of our life.
It was an interesting, motivating read to encourage me to reach out a little more regularly .
May 23, 2021
This book is an insightful examination of the concept of getting help, and all the different factors that come into play where it is concerned.
While I mostly appreciated the many examples of scientific experiments included here, I thought there was a little too much focus on evolutionary biology - something that is not unique to this pop psychology volume by any means.
Overall, 'Reinforcements' strengthened my positive tendencies in asking for help, and has encouraged me to adopt new strategies. I reflected on the nature of humanity along the way, and learnt a few things about myself. Well done!
While I mostly appreciated the many examples of scientific experiments included here, I thought there was a little too much focus on evolutionary biology - something that is not unique to this pop psychology volume by any means.
Overall, 'Reinforcements' strengthened my positive tendencies in asking for help, and has encouraged me to adopt new strategies. I reflected on the nature of humanity along the way, and learnt a few things about myself. Well done!
February 20, 2022
This short, focused, easy to read book on asking for help actually has some quite valuable gems for creating a culture of helpfulness in organizations. Plus some excellent research citations to go deeper. Well worth the read.
October 5, 2018
Full of insight, explanations, and instruction on how to succeed at asking for, and receiving, help. This will destroy your assumptions about vulnerability in the best possible way.
March 16, 2025
Great book for a volunteer Coordinator!
May 7, 2018
The author makes the reader aware of the general misconception of asking help that are blocking people to ask for help when it is needed. By reinforcing the culture of help, we are not getting weaker but stronger and useful. If the reinforcement is spread, the impact is generally positive and constructive inside the community.
January 1, 2019
An easy to read and concise book with breakdown into simple to follow logical sequence. Getting help is never easier with the four recommended steps in the book.
September 15, 2022
Reinforcements was a refreshingly succinct, and sometimes funny, account of the science behind asking for help in a way that is effective, rewarding, and renewable for both help-seekers and helpers. I thoroughly enjoyed this book.
March 23, 2019
An interesting perspective into the way we as humankind view getting and giving help. There were a few things that I had read before but it was a slightly different viewpoint and focus than what is contained in this book. Reading the different tests that were done in groups was exceptionally intriguing.
December 28, 2019
Surprisingly unhelpful and disappointing. The title makes you think you'll learn how to garner an army of people on your side, and how to make them WANT to help you on a deeper level. But the book stays at a superficial level, only tackling how to package your ask each time. But even then, it's not that helpful.
I felt like I learned nothing 2/3 of the way in. It rambles on and on about essentially nothing--the kind of chapters where you feel like you're reading but taking away nothing--and it talks vaguely of what to do/not to do but no examples. It introduces paradoxes but no solution--because again, no examples.
Here's an example: she spends an entire section going on and ON about how people are kinder to others in the same racial group as them. She offered no solutions, just to tell us that that's how people are.
Alright, THAT'S HELPFUL (sarcasm.) First, it's not like I can't change what racial group I'm in! Second, I'm pretty sure people already knew this. That's an example of where I felt I was reading a lot of nothing--nothing new that I learned, and no takeaways on what to actually do about it.
I felt like I learned nothing 2/3 of the way in. It rambles on and on about essentially nothing--the kind of chapters where you feel like you're reading but taking away nothing--and it talks vaguely of what to do/not to do but no examples. It introduces paradoxes but no solution--because again, no examples.
Here's an example: she spends an entire section going on and ON about how people are kinder to others in the same racial group as them. She offered no solutions, just to tell us that that's how people are.
Alright, THAT'S HELPFUL (sarcasm.) First, it's not like I can't change what racial group I'm in! Second, I'm pretty sure people already knew this. That's an example of where I felt I was reading a lot of nothing--nothing new that I learned, and no takeaways on what to actually do about it.
January 31, 2019
Why are people reluctant to ask for help? No one succeeds in a vacuum, professionally or personally. Why is it so hard to ask for help?
"If you are a leader, you need to figure out how to elicit and coordinate helpful, supportive behavior from the people you are leading, too. Arguably, that is what management is." [p.6]
". . . in many instances, we ask for help in such a way that we make people feel controlled, rather than giving them what they need to really want to help us - and to make helping us rewarding." [p.7]
controlled helping vs autonomous helping
need to create a sense of "us"
"Chances are, you're not surrounded by unhelpful loafers - just people who have no idea that you need help or what kind of help you need." [p10]
When people say no, they feel bad.
Someone who ha said no in the past may very well say yes the next time you ask. [p. 28-29]
". . .when situations are ambiguous, human being tend to err on the side of minding their own business." [p. 80]
The helper needs to notice that you want help. [p.83]
Ask for help directly. [p.87]
Take time to ask individuals directly [p.91]
excessive apologies in your request for help are off-putting rather than encouraging people to help [p.104]
Keep it positive and relaxed [p.106]
Don't minimize the effort it will take them to help. [p.108]
Don't remind people they "owe" you. [p.110]
Thank them in a way that emphasizes their goodness, not your benefit [p.113]
If you anticipate hostility and brace for it, you may behave in ways that actually elicit hostile behavior from the other person. [p.129]
Use the word together, highlight shared goals [p.135-136]
Create the sense that you are fellow travelers on the same journey [p.141]
People have a desire to feel effective. We want to have an impact. [p.167]
Be clear up front about the nature of assistance you want and what its impact will be. [p.173]
"If you are a leader, you need to figure out how to elicit and coordinate helpful, supportive behavior from the people you are leading, too. Arguably, that is what management is." [p.6]
". . . in many instances, we ask for help in such a way that we make people feel controlled, rather than giving them what they need to really want to help us - and to make helping us rewarding." [p.7]
controlled helping vs autonomous helping
need to create a sense of "us"
"Chances are, you're not surrounded by unhelpful loafers - just people who have no idea that you need help or what kind of help you need." [p10]
When people say no, they feel bad.
Someone who ha said no in the past may very well say yes the next time you ask. [p. 28-29]
". . .when situations are ambiguous, human being tend to err on the side of minding their own business." [p. 80]
The helper needs to notice that you want help. [p.83]
Ask for help directly. [p.87]
Take time to ask individuals directly [p.91]
excessive apologies in your request for help are off-putting rather than encouraging people to help [p.104]
Keep it positive and relaxed [p.106]
Don't minimize the effort it will take them to help. [p.108]
Don't remind people they "owe" you. [p.110]
Thank them in a way that emphasizes their goodness, not your benefit [p.113]
If you anticipate hostility and brace for it, you may behave in ways that actually elicit hostile behavior from the other person. [p.129]
Use the word together, highlight shared goals [p.135-136]
Create the sense that you are fellow travelers on the same journey [p.141]
People have a desire to feel effective. We want to have an impact. [p.167]
Be clear up front about the nature of assistance you want and what its impact will be. [p.173]
October 19, 2018
breezy "this is tough for all of us, but i know you can do it, amirite?" writing style to convey implications of social psychological research on helping. typical chapter identifies a principle [helper will want to perceive her/his own effort as necessary, lest diffusion of responsibility kick in and allow them to believe someone else will help you], concisely describes a finding or findings instantiating it [Latane and Darley research on decreased likelihood of receiving help with increased number of potential helpers], and advises you on how to apply the principle to manipulate those around you (single people out for a request; don't send a mass email asking everyone under the Sun if somebody could please.......).
Multiply by a couple dozen and there you go. Sort of like Cialdini's "Influence" book but limited to the case of influencing others to help. Some maybe nonobvious themes such as people's tendency to underestimate others' willingness to help, which may suppress our willingness to ask.
Perhaps too much to ask for an applied self-help book, but i would have liked to see her take on the so-called reproducibility or replication crisis. One after another just-so story of a seemingly minor experimental manipulation (we told the people in one condition that they were working on puzzles "together" with someone in another lab, whereas.....) that has profound effects on behavior or emotion, and a voice in my head keeps reciting "approximately half of these findings are bunk, and if the crowd-source-prediction meta-studies are themselves believable it's the half that are the most amazing/counterintuitive in the first place".
Multiply by a couple dozen and there you go. Sort of like Cialdini's "Influence" book but limited to the case of influencing others to help. Some maybe nonobvious themes such as people's tendency to underestimate others' willingness to help, which may suppress our willingness to ask.
Perhaps too much to ask for an applied self-help book, but i would have liked to see her take on the so-called reproducibility or replication crisis. One after another just-so story of a seemingly minor experimental manipulation (we told the people in one condition that they were working on puzzles "together" with someone in another lab, whereas.....) that has profound effects on behavior or emotion, and a voice in my head keeps reciting "approximately half of these findings are bunk, and if the crowd-source-prediction meta-studies are themselves believable it's the half that are the most amazing/counterintuitive in the first place".
June 20, 2020
This is a science of asking and giving help to other people. We must know that people in general Want to help others because it is rewarding! The right ways to ask for help are 1) Ask in person, 2)Be specific 3) Be direct 4)Be positive 5)Be understanding. I have personally experienced getting lots of help from fellow trainers when I first joined the NET team. Me asking help made them feel good and actually we became close friends in the end. That’s what Steve Jobs said too. When he asked for help, no one rejected and in return, he ended up helping others! Now what NOT to do when asking for help: 1) Do not be vague 2) Do NOT APOLOGIZE (this is something I must work on. There is no reason to apologize when you have not done anything wrong!) 3) NO MASS EMAIL (Once again, this is true… when I see mass email, even prayer requests, I delete vs. when a friend asks something specific to me personally, MAJORITY of times, I say YES!
After all, Ask and it shall be given… the Bible tells us so.!
There is a strategy when you want to ask something to someone. Start asking with something very difficult and anticipate the rejection. Then ask with what you originally intended to ask. Human nature.. do not want to say “no”, so after the initial “no”, there is a higher possibility to say “Yes”!
After all, Ask and it shall be given… the Bible tells us so.!
There is a strategy when you want to ask something to someone. Start asking with something very difficult and anticipate the rejection. Then ask with what you originally intended to ask. Human nature.. do not want to say “no”, so after the initial “no”, there is a higher possibility to say “Yes”!
November 5, 2018
Another short book on an interesting topic that I came across at the Library. This time around about the science of asking and giving help to others. We all like helping, but not always. Or that by not helping we feel sick.
The author leads us through why we shy away from asking for help, even though more often than not you can get the help you are seeking. She also gives examples of how to ask and how not to. Simple methods that can tap into the inherit desire to help without making it weird or uncomfortable for the other person.
This is a book that you can get through in a day, but spend several more thinking about it. While not exciting, it was interesting and gave me some pointers to try. I see it as a combination of getting over my own anxiety of asking and to place the request in the right frame, allowing the giver of help the flexibility on how to respond. Small tweaks, but the described outcome could be wholly different.
The author leads us through why we shy away from asking for help, even though more often than not you can get the help you are seeking. She also gives examples of how to ask and how not to. Simple methods that can tap into the inherit desire to help without making it weird or uncomfortable for the other person.
This is a book that you can get through in a day, but spend several more thinking about it. While not exciting, it was interesting and gave me some pointers to try. I see it as a combination of getting over my own anxiety of asking and to place the request in the right frame, allowing the giver of help the flexibility on how to respond. Small tweaks, but the described outcome could be wholly different.
October 2, 2018
Grant points to research showing that, when asked to help, people say no far less often that most of us think. That alone is a valuable eye-opener. I don’t know about you but, like Grant, I often shy away from requesting favors. This book could provide the added push needed in certain situations.
She uses the book to break down barriers to asking for assistance, offering specific ideas for how to approach potential helpers. Her listing of how to ask for help (someone needs to realize you need help and be in a position to assist) and how not to do it (apologize for asking, tell them how much they’ll enjoy it) is suitable for practical use. So, too, is her recommendation to thank by praising the other person, not by telling them how much it helps you.
As an added bonus, Grant is also a gifted writer. Her often humorous manner makes this a pleasant read.
She uses the book to break down barriers to asking for assistance, offering specific ideas for how to approach potential helpers. Her listing of how to ask for help (someone needs to realize you need help and be in a position to assist) and how not to do it (apologize for asking, tell them how much they’ll enjoy it) is suitable for practical use. So, too, is her recommendation to thank by praising the other person, not by telling them how much it helps you.
As an added bonus, Grant is also a gifted writer. Her often humorous manner makes this a pleasant read.
July 20, 2018
An important topic in an age where people seem to need more help than ever. This is a good guide on how to ask for help, something that many people struggle with. Interesting that despite the fact that most of us do not like or enjoy asking for help, the majority of people are willing to help when asked. And, in fact, most of us benefit from the good feelings that come with helping others.
The advice the author gives for how to ask for help can be applied to both our work life and our personal life. A great read for those that find this difficult.
Advanced reading copy provided by NetGalley for an honest review.
The advice the author gives for how to ask for help can be applied to both our work life and our personal life. A great read for those that find this difficult.
Advanced reading copy provided by NetGalley for an honest review.
September 29, 2021
The book was well structured and easy to read. I learnt many physiological terms I have never heard of.
The thing is author mentioned many times that to overcome your anxiety in asking for help is simply just ASK. But she always followed with something like... be careful not to... blah blah... Which makes me feel like; if I have to be that much careful and precise before asking anyone to help, I would rather be helped by myself.
... I was once heard a bhikkhu saying that... the real help is the one you do, with good intentions, for helping others and never thinking of any kind of payback... Or just simply HELP... like just simply ASK ...
The thing is author mentioned many times that to overcome your anxiety in asking for help is simply just ASK. But she always followed with something like... be careful not to... blah blah... Which makes me feel like; if I have to be that much careful and precise before asking anyone to help, I would rather be helped by myself.
... I was once heard a bhikkhu saying that... the real help is the one you do, with good intentions, for helping others and never thinking of any kind of payback... Or just simply HELP... like just simply ASK ...
January 4, 2019
If you're human you need to read this book... Understanding giving and asking for help
This book is really insightful in addressing the mechanics of asking for and giving help.
The self-imposed friction that we apply when considering asking for help without clearly thinking on how the helper will feel (in reality not in perception).
Examples abound in how we forgot how well we felt about giving help at the time we need to ask for it.
Really, read this book.
This book is really insightful in addressing the mechanics of asking for and giving help.
The self-imposed friction that we apply when considering asking for help without clearly thinking on how the helper will feel (in reality not in perception).
Examples abound in how we forgot how well we felt about giving help at the time we need to ask for it.
Really, read this book.
February 11, 2019
Like all books by Heidi Grant (Halvorson - she got a divorce?), this one is great too. For me personally it helped me understand a time when I needed help and didn't get it, to make peace with it and forgive and decide to do it better next time as I certainly could have dealt with that situation better, had I known what Heidi Grant writes about here.
A wonderful book that turned out to be quite influential for me.
A wonderful book that turned out to be quite influential for me.
January 10, 2020
Enjoyably informative.
This book was like having a laidback conversation with a really well informed, intelligent friend who happens to research human nature.
The author does a great job sharing important insights in a relatable and accessible manner and distills some great knowledge to her readers in the process.
You’ll appreciate a better understanding of just how to approach a person for help. However, you’ll also be better able to lend a hand proactively.
This book was like having a laidback conversation with a really well informed, intelligent friend who happens to research human nature.
The author does a great job sharing important insights in a relatable and accessible manner and distills some great knowledge to her readers in the process.
You’ll appreciate a better understanding of just how to approach a person for help. However, you’ll also be better able to lend a hand proactively.
March 7, 2019
Directo, preciso, entretenido y de gran ayuda
Gracias al estilo sencillo, simpático y muy documentado de la autora, no sólo se lee con facilidad, sino que además ves en seguida cómo aplicar sus consejos y conocimientos a la vida real. Y con ello no sólo conseguir que te ayuden, sino además ser de ayuda y sentirte eficaz.
Gracias al estilo sencillo, simpático y muy documentado de la autora, no sólo se lee con facilidad, sino que además ves en seguida cómo aplicar sus consejos y conocimientos a la vida real. Y con ello no sólo conseguir que te ayuden, sino además ser de ayuda y sentirte eficaz.
June 19, 2020
The Effectiveness of Helping
Dr. Halvorson provide some crucial tips and examples on how help can be facilitated in different settings. I really enjoyed the last chapter at the end. Many of the concerts were tied in make sense of what the author was trying to convey in her overall message.
Dr. Halvorson provide some crucial tips and examples on how help can be facilitated in different settings. I really enjoyed the last chapter at the end. Many of the concerts were tied in make sense of what the author was trying to convey in her overall message.
August 11, 2022
A nice read on a topic I haven't seem much of in the social-psychology arena. If you are a frequent reader in the genre, you will recognize many of the studies and examples used, but the overall effect is a very positive perspective - exceedingly well supported - on the power of asking for help and how doing so can be transformative for the asker and the giver.
July 18, 2018
Mentions at length a look at various psychological arbitrage opportunities in the mind of the potential helpers, which a help seeker usually wrongly intercepts.
Definitely worth a read for those who struggle with asking others for help
Definitely worth a read for those who struggle with asking others for help
January 5, 2019
This slim book tells you all you need to know about why we typically dread asking others for help -- as well as the most effective ways of asking if we do need assistance from others. It's pragmatic and concise, and very helpful.
February 14, 2019
This is a book with a specific purpose - to make you understand the psychology behind asking for and giving help. A bit text book like in parts but will appeal to those like in a multi dimensional organization who more often than not will need to seek help.
February 28, 2019
The big takeaway for me is that people want to help. We are hard wired in some way to want to be helpful. This book goes into that idea and develops it. Useful if you are in a position that requires asking for help
March 22, 2019
Brilliant
The book that will change your mind about help and indirectly make you so much more efdective both about your own work (bc you now know how to ask others for help without feeling manipulative) and in the act of asking for help.
The book that will change your mind about help and indirectly make you so much more efdective both about your own work (bc you now know how to ask others for help without feeling manipulative) and in the act of asking for help.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews