Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

by Dan Kindlon, Michael Thompson, Teresa Barker

The stunning success of Reviving Ophelia, Mary Pipher's landmark book, showed a true and pressing need to address the emotional lives of girls. Now, finally, here is the book that answers our equally timely and critical need to understand our boys.

In Raising Cain, Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., and Michael Thompson, Ph.D., two of the country's leading child psychologists, share what they have learned in more than thirty-five years of combined experience working with boys and their families. They reveal a nation of boys who are hurting--sad, afraid, angry, and silent. Statistics point to an alarming number of young boys at high risk for suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, violence and loneliness. Kindlon and Thompson set out to answer this basic, crucial question: What do boys need that they're not getting? They illuminate the forces that threaten our boys, teaching them to believe that "cool" equals macho strength and stoicism. Cutting through outdated theories of "mother blame," "boy biology," and "testosterone," Kindlon and Thompson shed light on the destructive emotional training our boys receive--the emotional miseducation of boys.

Through moving case studies and cutting-edge research, Raising Cain paints a portrait of boys systematically steered away from their emotional lives by adults and the peer "culture of cruelty"--boys who receive little encouragement to develop qualities such as compassion, sensitivity, and warmth. The good news is that this doesn't have to happen. There is much we can do to prevent it.

Kindlon and Thompson make a compelling case that emotional literacy is the most valuable gift we can offer our sons, urging parents to recognize the price boys pay when we hold them to an impossible standard of manhood. They identify the social and emotional challenges that boys encounter in school and show how parents can help boys cultivate emotional awareness and empathy--giving them the vital connections and support they need to navigate the social pressures of youth.

Powerfully written and deeply felt, Raising Cain will forever change the way we see our sons and will transform the way we help them to become happy and fulfilled young men.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Education, Self Help, Gender, Childrens

288 pages, Hardcover

First published April 4, 1999

About the author

Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., a member of the Harvard University faculty for over fifteen years, teaches child psychology and conducts research in child development. A leading clinical and research psychologist specializing in behavioral problems in children and adolescents, Dr. Kindlon has focused on the diagnosis and treatment of emotional issues, learning disabilities and attention deficit disorders in over 20 years of clinical practice. He is the author of many articles in scientific journals and several books, including Alpha Girls, Raising Cain, Too Much of a Good Thing, and Tough Times, Strong Children. Dr. Kindlon lectures widely to groups of parents, educators, and mental health professionals, and has made many national media appearances, including on The Today Show, 20/20, CNN, and National Public Radio. He lives outside Boston with his wife and two children.

Reviews

[Vaiva Rykštaitė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gera knyga. Puiki. Tik dabar ją baigusi vartau iš naujo ir mėginu viską aprėpti ir įsiminti. Daug informacijos, tačiau ne tokios, kurią galima išvardinti papunkčiui. Veikiau tai vidinio berniukų pasaulio niuansai, kurie iš tiesų smarkiai skiriasi nuo mergaitiškų. Jei visiškai supaprastinus, tai berniukai yra biologiškai judresni ir jų lingvistiniai sugebėjimai ankstyvame amžiuje dažnai atsilieka nuo mergaičių. Būtent dėl šių dviejų priežasčių jiems sunkiau sekasi susikaupti ir išsėdėti pradinėse mokyklos klasėse. Tada jie imami matyti kaip “blogi vaikai”, o jei dar pridėjus visuomenės stereotipinius lūkesčius vyrui, kuris turėtų slėpti jausmus - ir va, jau receptas kaip sukurti piktą, agresyvų paauglį. Aišku, ne viskas taip paprasta, dėl to ir reikia skaityti knygą, o ne šitą poustą. Kartais skaitydama kilstelėdavau antakius - smalsu,ar šią knygą daug kas kaltina seksizmu, ypač dabartiniame politkorektiškumo klimate? Beje, čia jautriai ir gražiai užsimenama ir apie homoseksualių berniukų bėdas.

Dar įsiminė mintis, kad alkoholio gėrimas iki nukritimo yra nūdienos rite of passage į vyriškumą, nes nebeliko nei senovinių genčių ritualų, nei karų. Tostesteronas neskatina agresijos, tai - mitas. Patiko skyrius apie berniukų seksualumą. Nusprendžiau susikurti knygos konspektą, kad išliktų man ateičiai. Iš esmės ši knyga mane nuliūdino, nes pamačiau, kaip sunku būti berniuku, kaip daug kas jų nesupranta, o dar tie liūdni agresijos ir savižudybių pavyzdžiai… Tiesa, šiek tiek erzino daugybė atskirų pacientų istorijų, jos trumpos ir galiausiai susilieja į vieną.

Kai pasakiau draugei knygos pavadinimą, ji atsakė: “Oi, tai geriau Abelį auginti, ne Kainą…”. Bet čia ir visa esmė - kaip auginti berniuką, kad šis netaptų brolžudžiu Kainu. Mano Radvilui dar tik 7 savaitės. Juokiausi, kad per anksti pradedu iš nekantrumo, bet pabaigusi ploju sau per petį - pačiu laiku. Šią knygą siūlyčiau skaityti ne tik berniukų tėvams. Man ji padėjo geriau suprasti savo vyrą ir tėtį. Rekomenduoju.

[Roy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have three boys, so I bought this book several years ago and it sat around. Recently my school disctrict decided to have an open discussion based on this book, so I decided to read it.

This is a depressing and dangerous book. The authors are psychologists who have worked with boys/men, but I truly believe they lost touch with the fact that their patients were troubled people. The conclusions that are drawn are based on the worst examples, and they offer no suggestions about how to solve what they see as "boy problems".

The book tries to set a stadnard of behaviour based on the horrible events at Columbine, and warns that if we continue to yell at our children, we will teach them even more violent interactions. In short, they assume that all interactive problems with boys and men today are because boys aren't taught to express their feelings the same way girls are. While I agree that freedom of emotional expression is typically more of a female traight, I'm not convinced that it is due to nurture alone, nor do I think it is the root of all evils.

[Heidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a woman raising a son in a 2-mom household, I have found myself very focused on what it means to be a boy in our culture. I consider myself lucky to have a hand in raising a son to be a fine man, while also scared sh*tless about all the ways that it can go wrong. Raising Cain has been an eye-opening read, albeit certainly not a comforting one. This is certainly not a how-to manual (which the authors clearly state in the preface that they don't intend to be), and much more of a why-we-have-to account. I haven't seen any other book focus so much on the "inner lives of boys", and reading this has made me re-examine many of my own beliefs and feelings about boys and "boy behavior". I give it 4 stars b/c it's a critically important topic, well written by two experienced authors; but not 5 b/c I would have appreciated more specifics about the how / what now.

[Beth Quittman · Rating 1 out of 5]

Disappointing. From the rave reviews I was hoping for more. But instead of constructive preventative suggestions, as the title indicates, what I found was a series of case studies of unhappy boys, an analysis of their problems, and a description of how their problems were fixed by therapy with the authors. That's not particularly helpful or relevant to a parent as opposed to a professional therapist.

[Cristina Ermac · Rating 5 out of 5]

O carte care trebuie obligatoriu sa fie in biblioteca fiecărui părinte de băiat.
Ajungi la un moment dat(și acest moment de obicei apare in preadolescență sau adolescenta) când începi sa îți dai seama ca oricât nu te-ai strădui sa fii o mama buna, ceva nu merge, și apare o lacuna in relația cu fiul tau. Iar problema de baza e ca încă nu ai avut șansa sa vezi lumea cu ochii unui băiat. Aceasta carte, și autorii ei, îți oferă aceasta oportunitate. Mi-a fost extrem de interesant sa analizez puncte de vedere care noi, femeile, nici nu ne gândeam ca puteau fi altfel. Din aceasta cauza am putea avea mereu așteptări de la băieții noștri, ca ai sa acționeze și sa vadă totul așa cum am văzut și noi.

Mai mult ca atât, autorii ne ajuta sa spargem stereotipurile unui “bărbat adevarat” și sa înțelegem ca inteligenta emoțională a unui băiat nu este mai puțin importantă, și ca “taci și răbda” cu siguranța nu e varianta optimala pentru a creste un adult care e stabil emoțional.

Capitolele mele preferate au fost și cele axate pe 1. Relația mama-fiu și 2. Relația tata-fiu . In special cea din urma, din păcate, cel mai des, are de suferit, iarăși din același motiv expus mai sus, tatii vor sa fie percepuți ca fiind “mai puternici” Ascunzându-și emotiile in fata fiilor săi, aceștia crescând înfometați emoțional de la cel care de fapt au ei nevoia sa le fie mai aproape.
Sunt puse in discuție multe probleme in fata cărora băieții sunt mult mai vulnerabili: violenta, alcoolul, droguri, tentative de suicid și multe altele, la care,din frica, refuzam sa ne gândim, astfel neavând șansa de a le depista și preveni.

[Lois · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one non-fiction book that I have read cover to cover, and that is really rare for me. I have been seeking a book that might help me understand my son better and how to help him grow-up to be an emotionally, psychologically healthy man. I finally found a good one, after LOTS of lemons.

This authors of this book are psychologists who bring many years of experience to this topic. They are also talented writers who are able to convey vast amounts of psychological knowledge in easy to understand terms and weave it together with numerous case study examples that are presented in story form. This inclusion of multiple true-life stories is most likely what kept me reading.

I learned a lot from Raising Cain about how to understand Max's energy level, need for approval and admiration, desire to be seen as powerful and intelligent, and how to raise him to rise above the cultural stereotypes of men that our culture has created. I highly recommend it for mothers of boys, and I will keep my copy close by to refer back to as Max gets older and goes through new phases and changes.

[Andrius Baležentis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Užsimaniau būti diktatoriumi ir kurti valstybę ant privalomų liberalumo, švietimo, ir empatijos pamatų. Mano tironijoje visi tėvai privalėtų perskaityti šią knygą ir ne tik, ugdytų empatiją, nusikratytų seksistinių nuostatų. Daugumą mokytojų išvaikyčiau ir kurčiau mokymo sistemą nuo pamatų iš naujo. Gal mano karalystė neturėtų gerų kelių, bet kiekvienas gautų didesnį šansą į orią, motyvuojančią vaikystę.
Skaičiau knygą ir girdėjau “Vaikų linijos” besikreipiančių balsus, mačiau save patį mokyklos koridoriuose, atpažinau užaugusius ir sužeistus vyrus, kurie iki šiol kantriai apsimeta neturintys jausmų ir kiekvieną dieną kovoja už savo autoritetą, nepripažindami nei klaidų, nei nuovargio, nesuprasdami savo jausmų.

Be to pliusas knygai už tai, kad ją skaitydami supranta ir nepervargsta vyrai - maniškis tiesiog suryjo ir davė dešimt balų. :)
Knyga iš MUST kategorijos.

“Tėvų ir sūnų istorijos- tai istorijos apie meilę be atsako, kurias pasakojant juntamas ilgesys, pyktis, liūdesys ir apmaudas.”

[K · Rating 2 out of 5]

The authors of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys describe a society our boys are growing up in that is cruel and suppressive, imposing impossible expectations of masculinity. Boys are encouraged to compete ruthlessly, to remain unaware of their inner lives, and to avoid any expression or behavior that smacks of the feminine. Fathers, being emotionally illiterate themselves, are disconnected from their boys; mothers are a bit more involved but at a loss for how to deal with their sons. Can a boy possibly grow up unscathed?

The authors offer a plethora of case studies to support their alarmist conclusions about boys' upbringing, and there lies the rub -- the authors' examples almost invariably describe deeply troubled boys from troubled backgrounds. I would find the authors' arguments about general society far more convincing if there were a larger representation of more mainstream boys who resemble most of the boys and men I know -- guys who grow up more or less happy and successful, who manage despite our admittedly imperfect society and even imperfect family backgrounds at times to get through school, hold down jobs, avoid drugs and alcohol, and even enter at least one long-term committed relationship. But these are not the boys we hear about in the book, and as such, boys' society in general is painted as a cruel place where it is impossible to grow up normal.

It's rather ironic that other books I have read accuse society of attempts to "feminize" boys rather than appreciating their uniquely masculine characteristics. At times, the authors seem to agree. “When we [the authors] mentioned that school might be a feminine place, she [a third-grade teacher] reacted somewhat defensively. ‘School isn’t a feminine place. It is a human place, a civilized place,’ she said. ‘It’s just easier for girls to adapt to it.’” (p. 24) The authors point out that boys in childhood tend to develop impulse control more slowly than girls do and to need a higher level of physical activity, aspects to which they feel teachers are not sufficiently attuned.

At the same time, the authors describe boys' society as pushing images of "macho-ness" which do not allow for emotional intimacy with others. Maybe it's because I'm a woman; maybe it's because I was raised in an Orthodox Jewish subculture; maybe there's some other reason, but I felt these claims were, at the very least, overstated and simplistic. In my society I witness many counterexamples to what the authors describe. And I think the source of boys' problems -- of anyone's problems -- is always multifactorial, even if boys' society is as godawful as the authors claim.

This book did have some merits. Some of the case studies were interesting, and informative for therapists and educators who are likely to see boys like the ones described in its pages. I appreciated the discussion of the evils of physical discipline, which offered language for having this discussion with parents who are using it or wondering about it. And although I felt the authors' claims were usually exaggerated, I wouldn't go so far are to say that they were baseless.

Ultimately, though, while I think a book like this does need to be written and read, I think it would be more effective if it offered a more balanced view of boys and their challenges.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, so I am obsessed with parenting books. (Could be worse, right?) Anyway, I end up reading a lot of books about parenting in general, and a lot of books about parenting girls, but I've never read one about boys. So, maybe it's because this is the first one I've read, but I adored this book. TONS of excellent things to remember when parenting boys. I felt like this was the boy version of "Queen Bees and Wannabes", which I also loved.
A lot of this stuff, especially about middle school and how tough those years are, was completely foreign to me, but my husband confirmed a lot of it.
A couple of points that I thought were fascinating:

Boys have an ingrained sense of homophobia, and terror at having physical touch because other boys might call them gay, so they start balking at the physical touch that they actually really need.

Boys are WAY more likely than girls to be physically disciplined. Actually, more likely to be disciplined at all, but the disparity with physical discipline was even more.

A lot of the elementary educators out there are women, and a lot of them have a difficult time with regular, boisterous boys, leading sometimes to over prescribing of ADD medication, or just giving the boy a sense of misbehavior when really he is just being a regular boy child.

A child who gets the sense he is a "bad" boy or a "bad" student at a young age might carry that description with him, and never really be able to recover from it, so it is important to try and get elementary teachers that "click" with your son, and allow a certain amount of boyishness (within reason, of course limits are necessary too.)


I could go on, but I just think that if you are into parenting books or have a boy, you should just check this one out. There were definitely parts I disagreed with as far as my own parenting style, but the food for thought was invaluable, and I have already recommended it to maaaaany people.

[Parascovia Belschi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Am avut multe de subliniat din această carte și sper să o redeschid/recitesc la fiecare perioadă de criză cu băieții mei. Nu îți va oferi o pastilă minune în relația cu băieții , ci va oferi ca un fir roșu al Ariadnei o ieșire din labirintul neînțelegerilor: băieții sunt oameni cu emoții diferite, emoții ce trebuie validate și acceptate.

[Hazal Çamur · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bu kitabı çocuksuz bir kadın olarak okudum. O nedenle odağım bir çocuktan çok toplumsal konular oldu.

Ailemin tek çocuğuyum. Bu nedenle erkek kardeşlerle büyümedim. Kitabı okurken hiç beklenmedik şekilde eşimin en eleştirdiğim yanlarına cevap bulurken buldum kendimi.

Neden "peki bu sana ne hissettirdi?" sorularımın cevabı "hiçbir şey" idi, mesela.
Kitabı okuduğum süre boyunca eşim ile sık sık paylaştım. Bir gün durdu ve dedi ki, "şu kitapta okuduklarından birine bile 'ne alakası var' diyemedim. Sen anlatırken kendime dair tuhaf farkındalıklar yaşıyorum."

Kitabı çok değerli buluyorum. Herkesin anlayacağı bir dilde, içtenlikle ve en önemlisi, tüm samimiyetiyle bir şeyleri değiştirme gayretiyle yazılmış diyebilirim.

Bugün ülkemizde artık hepimizin yaşam hakkını ve huzurunu tehdit eden kadına şiddet, cinsel suçlar ve küçük çocukların istismarının astronomik artışının arkasındaki nedenlere dair cevaplar buldum.

Karşımızda daha karşısındaki insanın yüzüne bakarak duygusunu anlayamayan oğlanlar var ve bu dünyanın büyük kısmında böyle. Duygularının adını koyamayan, dürtüsel yaşamaya mahkum edilmiş durumda insan ırkının yarısı.
Özellikle biz kadınlar için korkunç bir yüzleşme bu.

İçinde çok değerli tavsiyeler barındıran, yaşanmış olaylar ve kişilerle zenginleşen harika bir kitaptı. Kitabı sadece ebeveynler yorumlamış ama toplum olarak bu kitaptan alacaklarımız var.

Çeviri ve editörlük tertemizdi. Uzun zamandır bu kadar özenli bir çalışma okumamıştım.

[Deron · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I discovered that I was going to be the father of not just one boy, but two I started to scratch around at the "boys in our culture" books that seem to have become a popular genre in the last ten years. I knew going into that it wasn't just my parenting that I was curious about but if these lens would give me insight into my own childhood and ideas about what composes a "good" man.
The basic argument of the book is that our culture teaches boys to ignore their emotional lives and "toughen" up too early so that they are so ignorant of their own feelings that they end up repressing them and acting out in other ways like violence and drug/alcohol abuse. That certainly rings true to my observations. What follows is their own experience with boys as school shrinks that prove these points. While there's nothing earth shattering here, I did appreciate the forum to consider these things and appreciated that it's not so much a solve the problem book and let's look at the problem in detail and then talk about some basic things that might begin to unravel this heinous knot.

Hilarious line that is not indicative of the otherwise fine writing found in the book: "Although there are exceptions, it has been our experience that a high school boy who has long hair and likes Phish or the Grateful Dead is very likely to have said yes to drugs."

[Valerie · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a teacher and a parent, I have found this book extremely helpful in understanding boys.

[Jabiz Raisdana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, let's start with the critical feedback. This book should have been called Protecting The Emotional Life of white American suburban boys. I am not sure it gives much insight into how boys from other cultures or countries deal with many of the issues the authors raise.

Furthermore, seeing that it was written in the year 2000, it fails to account for a more modern understanding of gender. There are short nods to homosexuality, but never do the authors meaningfully discuss the complexity and fluidity of traditional gender roles.

Having said, as a Cis Gender white male who grew up in an affluent community, I could relate to much of what the authors shared. This book had me often nodding in familiarity when they discussed a wide range of topics such as: Father son relationships, the culture of cruelty among boys, the role of drugs and alcohol, and male sexuality.

It is a valuable resources for educators and parents alike. One that I will use with the teachers I work with as we learn to better understand the boys in our care.

I have a lot more to say, but I will need to let my thoughts stew a bit more, before they are ready for a longer blog post.

[Athansor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must-read for fathers, educators, and mothers. It shows unequivocally how our educational system (and to a certain extent, our culture) is structured in a way that will stunt the emotional development of boys.

Upon recommendation of a friend, I spent a surprisingly introspective weekend reading this book. In it, I saw not only my youth, but the childhood of other men I've known, and I came away from this book with much greater insight about myself.

The anecdotal style of the book sometimes made me feel like I was reading Cosmo, but that style of exposition is what best illustrates emotional concepts -- and, gee, guess what women's magazines excel at? Once I got past this, I enjoyed the read.

[Vilma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Skirta berniukams, bet tikrai galima pritaikyti ir mergaitems...

[C · Rating 2 out of 5]

Filled with case studies of troubled boys, this book really had me questioning how boys grow up to be anything but emotion suppressing violent drug/alcohol abusers.

The author/psychologists blame a culture of cruelty and parents/caregivers that "toughen up" boys at a young age, teaching them to ignore their emotions. Heavy handed in laying out the "boy problem," they do little to offer solutions to combat this emotional illiteracy.

Read it for the frank discussion of adolescent boys sexuality and the high costs of harsh discipline.

[loads.of.books · Rating 5 out of 5]

Labai patiko ši knyga. Informatyvi, skaitosi įdomiai, taikliai ir subtiliai įpinti pavyzdžiai-istorijos. Skaitau nebe pirmą knygą apie berniukus, jų augimą, auklėjimą, tačiau šioje knygoje radau negirdėtų, įdomių faktų. Permąsčiau ne vieną gyvenimo įvykį, mano artimųjų išgyvenimus. Knyga kėlė klausimus diskusijai.
Verta perskaityti ne tik tėveliams, auginantiems berniukus, bet praktiškai bet kuriam žmogui. Perskaitę galbūt geriau suprasite save, savo tėvą, brolį, vyrą ar draugą.

[Otilija Kozemiako · Rating 3 out of 5]

Knygoje nerasite jokių konkrečių patarimų..

[ThePrill · Rating 3 out of 5]

As the first ‘psychology’ book I have ever read for pleasure, I was expecting difficulty in reading it and understanding its material/concepts. However, I found it shockingly clear and coherent. The book presents a different way of raising boys, such that they are aren’t abusive and apathetic and taking out their emotions on bedroom walls because they don’t know how to communicate their emotions. I think, for the most part, this was handled well. A great deal of the people I interact with would agree with the conclusions that these authors make, such as allowing the teenage years to be a time of loosening the reins on boys and letting them have a greater dose of independence, while at the same time never relinquishing the drive to show them physical affection. I suspect that these psychology books are meant to make you reflect, and this one was certainly successful in doing that. The book pokes a lot of holes in the modern education system that has caused some of these problems and calls on parents to do better, which I don’t think anyone would disagree with.

[Miss Chocolate · Rating 3 out of 5]

Koliko sam shvatila, ova knjiga je 'must read' za sve roditelje djecaka pa sam tako streberski i ja odlucila procitati ovu knjigu. Iako knjiga pruza mnoge primjere situacija u kojima se terapeuti nalaze s djecacima i dobro opisuje emocije pojedinih slučajeva, u njoj nedostaju konkretni savjeti. Npr. knjiga navodi da je nuzno emocionalno opismeniti djecake, ali ne pruza ideje kako. Zapravo, samo zadnje poglavlje daje neke smjernice i savjete koji su zapravo jako dobri i prema mom mišljenju, to bi trebala biti barem jedna polovica ove knjige.

[Alexis · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think it was good, but not really for me personally. As a high school teacher, then an academic in education and now as a mother of boys, there was nothing in the book particularly "new" to me. My husband (and, may father) are not typically (or, "stereotypically") masculine men in the way the book describes and both are very able to discuss, respond to, and convey emotions. My husband is very active in our children's lives and embraces easily and comfortably roles that have traditionally been feminine and does not feel this is a threat to his own masculinity, so the book's discussions of masculinity in our culture did not particularly connect with my life. Parenting using communication and non-violence and awareness of media and social messages is something I am already very familiar with, so these were not particularly personally powerful messages for me from this book. After the first few chapters I started skimming (so I may have missed something) but I think the authors gave a short shrift to the homophobia and mysogyny that also pervades the realm the hyper-masculine and leads to more violence and emotional disconnect and should have had more discussion.

I gave this 3 stars because I did not know how to rate it. For people just begining the journey of understanding gender expectations and how our cultural view of how emotions and masculinity impact boys and may be influenced by parenting, I think it is very good and would give it more stars. For a more seasoned professional crowd, I would not recommend it.

[Irina Ro · Rating 5 out of 5]

Această carte mi-a schimbat felul în care îmi privesc bărbații din casă. Am savurat fiecare pagină din ea. Cele 12 capitole abordează caracteristicile cele mai importante ale băieților, unele pe care trebuie să le acceptăm așa cum sunt și altele care pot fi ameliorate prin comunicare, oferire de suport emoțional. Băieții au nevoie de spațiu pentru nivelul lor înalt de activitate fizică, ei nu sunt diferiți de fete și au nevoie în egală măsură de comunicare și schimb de emoții. E important să le oferim și spațiu atunci când intră în pubertate, controlul și supravegherea pot fi privite negativ de tineri, ulterior preferând auto-izolarea. O recomand tuturor părinților de băieți. Dar e potrivită pentru toate femeile, de fapt, pentru că acestea au de-a face cu bărbați oricum.

[Kristina Aidietiene · Rating 3 out of 5]

Įdomi knyga, tačiau man pritrūko to "Kaip" apsaugoti, nes knygoje pristatomi iš esmės visi blogiausi scenarijai, daug pavyzdžių, įdomių minčių, bet nedaug siūlymų.

[Nihan Ugun · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oğlanlar arasındaki zulüm kültürüne bu kadar farklı açılardan bu kadar kapsamlı yaklaşmış başka bir eser daha okumadım. Sadece zulüm kültürü içermiyor yanlış anlaşılmasın, erkek hareketliliğinden, duygulara, anne/baba ile ilişkilerden, depresyona, alkol ve uyuşturucudan, cinselliğe kadar çok geniş bir perspektifle oğlanların dünyasına mercek tutuyor.

Kitabın son bölümüne kadar sadece vakalar anlatıyormuş ama hiç çözüm önermiyormuş gibi gelse de son bölümdeki 7 öneri gerçekten tüm okuduklarınızla harmanladığınızda kafanızda aksiyon planları uçuşmasına zemin hazırlıyor.

“Bugünün öfkeli oğlan çocuğu, ona geçerli bir alternatif sunamazsak, yarının yalnız ve hayata küsmüş orta yaşlı erkeğine dönüşecektir.”

“Bir oğlanın,zengin bir duygusal yaşamın örneklerini verecek erkek rol modeller görmeye ihtiyacı vardır. Anneden ve diğer kadınlardan olduğu kadara babadan ve diğer erkeklerden de duygusal okuryazarlık öğrenmelidir, zira kendisine, erkek kimliğini yansıtan bir yaşam ve dil yaratması da gereklidir. Bir oğlan, duygularının erkek yaşamında da yeri olduğunu görmeli ve buna inanmalıdır.”

“Kendinden memnun olmayan insanların çoğunda rastlandığı gibi, etrafındaki herkeste ve herşeyde kusurlar bulmaktaydı.”

“Psikolojik rekabet halindeki bu eril çevrede kendinizi ispat etmenin bir parçası da başkalarını küçük düşürmektir.”

“Oğlanlar endamlarının tamamen farkındadır ve büyüklük tabanlı saygınlık ölçütlerini ne kadar karşılayabildiklerini bilirler. Böylece fiziksel yönden ufak tefek oğlanların kendilerini küçük hissetmesi de sağlanır; bunun yarattığı yetersizlik duygusu ise herhangi bir başka fiziksel noksanın yaratacağından katbekat(ortantısız ölçüde) büyüktür. Çoğu ufak tefek oğlan, derslerde ve diğer uğraşlarda aşırıya kaçan bir başarı çabası göstererek bunu telafi etmeye çalışır. Fiziksel açıdan ufak tefek olan bazı yetişkin erkeklerin eylem ve tutumlarında da bu olgunun izlerini görebiliriz-bazen öyle davranışlar gösterirler ki, çok küçük yaşlardan itibaren ufak tefek olma ıstırabına karşı psikolojik savunma sistemleri geliştirmek ve kendilerini daha büyük hissettirecek telafi edici mekanizmalar kurmak zorunda kaldıklarını düşündürür bize.”

“Terapist olarak sözcükleri kullanmanın derin seviyede bir iyileşmeyi mümkün kıldığını biliyoruz. Duyguları küçük dozlarda ifade etmek bile duygusal basıncı boşaltıyor ve öfke ile kötü düşüncelerin gücünü azaltıyor. Oğlanı konuşturmaya başlayabilirseniz öfkesi bilince çıkıyor ve gücünden yitiriyor. Oğlanların neye öfkelendiğini bulmasını sağladığınızda da onu yıkıcı tepki şablonlarını değiştirebileceği bir konuma getirmiş oluyorsunuz.”

[Aurelija Adomonienė · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nusipirkau prieš tris metus, bet perskaičiau tik dabar ir manau vertės dar kartą perskaityti kai sūnui bus paauglystė. Kuri berniukas išties nelengva… verta perskaityti visiems, net neauginantiems berniukų.

“prigimtis lemia 53 procentus, o auklėjimas - 47 procentus mūsų elgesio.”

“stengtis, kad kol mokosi mokykloje, vaikas neprarastų tikėjimo savimi.”

“Jei vaikui nebekeliami pagrįsti elegesio reikalavimai, laikantis nuostatos, kad jo vyriškėjimo procesams trukdyti negalima, vaikas, nemokomas dėmesingumo kitiems ir atsakomybės už savo veiksmus, pasijunta visagaliu, už nieką neatsakingu žmogumi.”

“Vaikystėje mušti, gėdinti ir žeminti vyrai vėliau tuo pačiu atsimoka visam pasauliui.”

“Daugybė vyrų pastebi, kad užaugę tampa visiškai tokie patys kaip tėčiai, nors patys visai neketino tokie būti.”

“Štai taip dažniausiai atrodo berniuko ir mamos santykiai. Jis - tyrinėtojas, ji - namai.”

“Berniukas turi jausti, kad mama pasitiki jo gebėjimais įveikti naujus sunkumus.”

“dukra - visam gyvenimui, o sūnus - tik iki tol, kol susiranda žmoną.”

[Ieva Visockienė · Rating 4 out of 5]

https://perskaiciau.lt/dan-kindling-m...

[Amber · Rating 2 out of 5]

This seemed to be a book for people who don't have much experience with boys. It is written by two very Liberal, Ivy Tower intelligentsia type psychologists, with their own biases. I grew up with brothers, played with boys, and have 3 boys of my own. Nothing in this book came as a surprise, other than the fact it made these generalizations about boys, and then left it there, for the reader to do with as they pleased.

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

Truly the rating "it was okay" sums up my impressions. There was one lightbulb moment for me (early on the authors point out that just as people tend to ignore strength in girls, we tend to flip it and ignore vulnerability in boys - lightbulb!), but most of the book felt more like a reminder of things one should keep in mind with ANY child - not just with boys. Which is not bad to be reminded of as a new parent.

[ciera · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was required for a class at BYU. My biggest gripe with it was that it treated truly abused and neglected boys as normal behavior for all boys. I wonder how much my perspective would change now that I have a son. A lot of therapists have really skewed perspectives because they spend majority of their time working with people with serious problems.