What do you think?
Rate this book
Vertical Marriage: The One Secret That Will Change Your Marriage
For anyone who is married, preparing for marriage, or desperate to save a relationship teetering on the brink of divorce, marriage coaches Dave and Ann Wilson offer hope and strategies gleaned from personal experience and Scripture that really work. Vertical Marriage will give you the insight, applications, and inspiration to transform your marriage into everything you hoped it would be.
Honest to the core and laugh-out-loud funny, Dave and Ann Wilson share the one secret that brought them from the brink of divorce to a healthy and vibrant relationship.
If you had asked Dave how their marriage was doing on the night of their tenth wedding anniversary, Dave would have rated it a 9.8 out of 10, and he would have even guaranteed that Ann would say the same. But instead of giving him a celebratory kiss, Ann whispered, "I've lost my feelings for you."
Divorce seemed inevitable for the Wilsons, but starting that night, God began to reveal to Dave and Ann the most overlooked secret of getting the marriage we are looking a horizontal marriage relationship just doesn't work until your vertical relationship with Christ is first.
As founders of a multi-campus church and marriage coaches with 30 years of experience, Dave and Ann share the hard-earned but easy-to-apply biblical principles that ensure a strong marriage. Written in a highly relatable dialogue between both husband and wife, Vertical Marriage will guide you toward building a vibrant relationship at every level, giving you the tools you need to
Effective communicationFair conflictTrue romanceA deeper connectionThrough their unique perspectives, Dave and Ann share an intimate, sometimes hilarious, and at times deeply poignant narrative of one couple's journey to reconnecting with God and discovering the joy and power of a vertical marriage.
Honest to the core and laugh-out-loud funny, Dave and Ann Wilson share the one secret that brought them from the brink of divorce to a healthy and vibrant relationship.
If you had asked Dave how their marriage was doing on the night of their tenth wedding anniversary, Dave would have rated it a 9.8 out of 10, and he would have even guaranteed that Ann would say the same. But instead of giving him a celebratory kiss, Ann whispered, "I've lost my feelings for you."
Divorce seemed inevitable for the Wilsons, but starting that night, God began to reveal to Dave and Ann the most overlooked secret of getting the marriage we are looking a horizontal marriage relationship just doesn't work until your vertical relationship with Christ is first.
As founders of a multi-campus church and marriage coaches with 30 years of experience, Dave and Ann share the hard-earned but easy-to-apply biblical principles that ensure a strong marriage. Written in a highly relatable dialogue between both husband and wife, Vertical Marriage will guide you toward building a vibrant relationship at every level, giving you the tools you need to
Effective communicationFair conflictTrue romanceA deeper connectionThrough their unique perspectives, Dave and Ann share an intimate, sometimes hilarious, and at times deeply poignant narrative of one couple's journey to reconnecting with God and discovering the joy and power of a vertical marriage.
240 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 29, 2019
449 people are currently reading
1444 people want to read
About the author
Dave Wilson
2 books6 followersDave and Ann Wilson are co-founders at Kensington Church, a national, multi-campus church that hosts more than 14,000 attendees every weekend. For the past twenty-five years, they have been featured speakers at Family Life’s Weekend to Remember®, and have also hosted their own marriage conferences across the country. They live in the Detroit area, where Dave has served as the Detroit Lions Chaplain for thirty-three years. They have three grown sons, CJ, Austin, and Cody, three daughters-in-law, and four grandchildren.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 120 reviews
January 2, 2025
New favorite marriage book!
August 29, 2022
I absolutely will reread this book over and over again. I learned so much, while having fun and actually enjoying this book. This is the best book on marriage I’ve ever read.
January 26, 2022
When I started reading this book my first thought about the authors was, "this couple seems like dorks", but I do appreciate both the wife and husband perspectives into their marriage. At times it seems like they used this book as a way to vent what happened or use it as therapy time. They are very honest with their story and circumstances and give good insight into many struggles in a marriage including, conflict, thoughts, resentment, sex, dating, and others. It is full of their own examples and stories from their own marriage and woven throughout all of it is the consistency of realizing God needs to be put first.
January 5, 2020
quick read and very relatable! we love the questions with each chapter and help you ask different questions you may not think to ask or feel comfortable asking your spouse. great conversations and growth. we will be revisiting this book and the questions regularly!
April 27, 2019
Since the Christian book market is inundated with marriage books, what makes this book on vertical marriage stand out? The chatter I heard recommended it and I wanted to see for myself. I noticed that Dennis and Barbara Rainey spoke highly of it and even wrote the Foreword, so that was in its favor. The title suggested that the book would help us tie our relationship back to God, so that was a plus. I wasn’t familiar with Dave and Ann Wilson, but since Dave was a pastor, I figured I would enjoy it even more. I’ve read a lot of this kind of books, and though this one covers much familiar territory by its end I felt it made a distinct contribution.
The funny thing is I didn’t like this book right away. We often say that books where the authors are transparent are the most helpful, yet I was about to believe I’d finally found the one that was too transparent. This book relates at least 20 of the most notorious arguments these authors ever had with each other during their marriage. They were gory! Once as I was reading, I said out loud: “Dave, you’re an idiot”. They discussed how they struggled and almost lost their marriage, and at one point I was wanting to divorce them! As the chapters rolled on, the value of this book for me came into focus. It finally hit me that if my arguments with my wife were recorded in such detail as these are, then listeners would quickly interject: “Jimmy, you’re an idiot”. In some strange way, that really helped me. I could never write a book like this one where the authors were raw on steroids, but apparently the Wilson’s have the fortitude to be able to share and help in this special way. They didn’t write a theological treatise, but a practical conversation.
Another criticism that vanished by the last page was how little I felt the authors were explaining their premise of vertical marriage. What became clear earlier was that they were giving excellent insights into conflict resolution, the real difficulty of marriage between two sinners, and how to think like your spouse who is so different than you. I can hardly recall a marriage book that so forces you to get inside your spouse’s head. That’s how those ridiculous arguments given in the book ended up being of great value. As it turns out, they brought their premise of vertical marriage home to us in the last two chapters. It worked. They made their point. It was a point worth being forced to confront.
This is a great book, but you’d better buckle your seatbelt. I’ll definitely rate it as a marriage book worth getting from the glutted marriage book market. It stands out among the pack.
I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255.
The funny thing is I didn’t like this book right away. We often say that books where the authors are transparent are the most helpful, yet I was about to believe I’d finally found the one that was too transparent. This book relates at least 20 of the most notorious arguments these authors ever had with each other during their marriage. They were gory! Once as I was reading, I said out loud: “Dave, you’re an idiot”. They discussed how they struggled and almost lost their marriage, and at one point I was wanting to divorce them! As the chapters rolled on, the value of this book for me came into focus. It finally hit me that if my arguments with my wife were recorded in such detail as these are, then listeners would quickly interject: “Jimmy, you’re an idiot”. In some strange way, that really helped me. I could never write a book like this one where the authors were raw on steroids, but apparently the Wilson’s have the fortitude to be able to share and help in this special way. They didn’t write a theological treatise, but a practical conversation.
Another criticism that vanished by the last page was how little I felt the authors were explaining their premise of vertical marriage. What became clear earlier was that they were giving excellent insights into conflict resolution, the real difficulty of marriage between two sinners, and how to think like your spouse who is so different than you. I can hardly recall a marriage book that so forces you to get inside your spouse’s head. That’s how those ridiculous arguments given in the book ended up being of great value. As it turns out, they brought their premise of vertical marriage home to us in the last two chapters. It worked. They made their point. It was a point worth being forced to confront.
This is a great book, but you’d better buckle your seatbelt. I’ll definitely rate it as a marriage book worth getting from the glutted marriage book market. It stands out among the pack.
I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255.
October 12, 2020
This book brought up a lot of good conversations, and the premise, to go "vertical" in marriage, is a good one, but I didn't really like the authors very much. Many of the stories included in the text felt contrived or pandering. I wouldn't discourage someone from reading this book, but I also wouldn't recommend it.
May 14, 2023
A insightful read as I prepare for the journey of marriage. A good reminder that I can’t find the answers to anything in my spouse and that God has to be the center for us to be successful together. I liked the imagery of a horizontal relationship with our spouse versus a vertical relationship with God. A little cheesy at times but overall a good read!
February 19, 2019
Most helpful for my wife and I. Best real life, entertaining book about marriage challenges I’ve read. Highly recommend to all married couples or engaged.
May 27, 2021
The authors display their marriage in a very raw light and share honestly how God has transformed their marriage from brokenness, selfishness and confusion to true healing and joy. This book contains the message to ‘go vertical’ in your marriage, meaning to turn to God in everything you do, that marriage isn’t about ‘trying harder’ but about allowing God to change your heart. At times the examples are stereotyping men and women, but I still give the book 5 stars because of the lesson I learned of the power of surrender and supporting your spouse even when you don’t feel like it, because God gives you the strength and wisdom to show love anyways. I would recommend to any engaged couples, newly weds or those married for years!
January 7, 2023
I received this book as a gift before getting married, and I can’t believe it took me a year and a half to read it! This is definitely a book that all engaged OR married couples should read. It will benefit you no matter what stage you are in in your relationship. I love the fact that their are real life examples from both male and female on all subjects. There’s humor and truth in everything written. Definitely recommend!
January 30, 2021
This is one of the most impactful and beneficial books I have read on marriage from a Christian viewpoint. Written by a married couple who are open and honest about a variety of struggles they faced in their marriage, this book provides multiple different foci points which cause reflection and introspection on one's own marriage. I would highly recommend.
April 12, 2023
I have never heard Dave's and Ann's podcast, allowing me to learn these things about their marriage while reading this book. This is a word I've heard my entire life of being in church but they put things in such a real, impactful way, it gets the point across in ways sitting in the pew could never accomplish. If you're engaged, newly married, wish to be married, or married any amount of time, this is a must-read!
May 16, 2023
Highly recommend as it touches on real issues and doesn’t hold back.
May 11, 2025
This is a fantastic read! Dave & Ann share real life highs and lows and if you’re someone that learns through stories like me, you’ll love this read. It’s honest, Christ centered & had me in stitches laughing more than once!
June 7, 2022
Honest, open, and insightful. The authors are not ashamed to tell of their own mistakes even when they originally believed they were right. Filled with good advice and take-aways this was a great (and fast) listen.
April 17, 2020
Words of Wisdom
Honest and open insight for married couples. Go vertical and stop looking for happiness through your spouse. This is one of the first Christian books that i found relatable and not preachy.
Honest and open insight for married couples. Go vertical and stop looking for happiness through your spouse. This is one of the first Christian books that i found relatable and not preachy.
August 2, 2025
This seems like such obvious, easy knowledge. But it seems like lately everyone has forgotten this clear common sense.
December 17, 2021
A good little book on marriage. I have probably never related to an author more than Ann. I was shocked (and relieved) to have had the exact same thoughts she has had.
February 16, 2023
I love that the Wilson's are real, open, and encouraging!
June 3, 2023
I read this on audio. The authors narrated it which I enjoyed. It has a lot of similar concepts and themes that most marriage books have, and it's good to have a reminder of some of the principles I should be applying in my marriage, especially when it comes to being a cheerleader for my husband.
February 20, 2025
Beneficial For: married couples where both spouses faithfully practice living out their Christian walk, engaged couples who are both Christians, couples where one spouse did not come from a faith background
Warnings To: married couples where only one spouse is saved or faithfully practices, women with higher sex drives in their relationship, dating couples
Dave Wilson was well known for being a chaplain for the Detroit Lions several years before moving on to become the founding pastor of the Kensington Church. He and his wife, Ann, have since taken as the hosts of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry.
I’ve seen Vertical Marriage recommended several places, including the Weekend to Remember ministry that Cru puts on through FamilyLife. I read through the book in the month of January, taking away a couple of good insights, but leaving a bit disappointed overall.
Helpful Hints
But without the Vertical — without God in the first place — we search for life where there is no life…where there is no higher point of grace to create room for growth, forgiveness, and movement.
Wilson 35
One of the first points I appreciated about Vertical Marriage was how vulnerable and real the Wilsons were. Both of them have spent their entire marriage serving in ministry, most notably marriage ministry. At no point, however, did they cite their credibility because of what they did right. Instead, there was so much they did wrong.
The Wilsons start off the novel with a recap of their 10th anniversary celebration. At this point, the two of them had been surviving through Dave retiring from football after an injury and then pivoting to serving as a chaplain for the Detroit Lions, which required him to be gone with the team many weekends throughout the year, leaving Ann with their three young boys on her own and away from family fairly often. Dave was riding the career high, and with that, the often accompanying ignorance for how his abandoned and left behind wife was feeling. Ann was filled with resentment and feeling neglected, so when Dave tried to perform a big romantic gesture on their anniversary night, it failed. Miserably.
Dave and Ann spend a good portion of part one of the book exploring how the unaddressed expectations of marriage they entered their union with, combined with the families of origin they came from, sabotaged their relationship.
It left both of them at the very end of their relationship rope, with Ann ready to bail at the end of 10 years. Both of them are very candid with the uncaring, unkind, and unproductive things they have said to one another. I know that it is supposed to be off the table to talk about divorcing — but that is unhelpful advice when you have reached that point in marriage or when you’ve already broken that “cardinal” sin having said the words. I’ve been there, at the end of my rope, saying that I wanted to be done because I don’t want to stay in the loveless relationship my parents have been in for decades. So when I’ve gone to meetings or had friends counseling me about how we should never say this — it’s too late, we are too far gone, where do we go from here?
The Wilsons have the answer to that in the book. Despite all of the really troubling things they’ve said to one another, and the ways they’ve neglected, humiliated, and hurt one another — they were able to make it. They were able to come back from too far gone and course correct. This is what couples need to hear. Not the dos and don’ts of what not to do, never, ever. In counseling, you learn not to make absolute statements — such as never and always — so can we stop saying that in marriage coaching?
Part two is also a realistic and well-researched wealth of advice. The Wilsons soberingly explore how their families of origin impacted their fighting styles, and what they brought to the conflict ring that was not beneficial. I have sat through and read some marriage content recently that seems to brush off counseling and therapy as a worldly way to approach conflict. But I can say from personal and friend experience that having those counseling sessions can save relationships and help heal a couple more than just attending a couple’s group at church can. The Wilsons’ exploration of hurts and the need for Godly counseling to help process things such as forgiveness, conflict styles, and communication is not only helpful; it is something I think will break down the continued reticent attitude of Christians toward counseling.
The reason this works is that the Wilsons’ overarching theme of their resource is that we need vertical love and vertical help. We cannot fulfill our spouse, make them joyful, or meet all their needs — and they will never be able to do that for us. In order to have a functional relationship, we both need to go to God to have those demands met so we can better relate to and communicate with one another. God needs to be the focus of our lives to receive the healing and guidance at the end of the day to help strengthen the horizontal marriage between husband and wife.
The Wilsons also have cited examples of taking some of their acknowledged hurt or frustrations to the Lord to help them work through those issues. This is the answer that couples need to get through at the end of the day and practice for the rest of their relationship together. The Wilsons do well in demonstrating this as they cite even recent issues they have had with one another that ultimately needed to be solved by bringing their issue, frustration, or troubles back to God.
Many times, the Wilsons are able to find the answers to marital peace and joy through getting on their knees together to bring their problems to the One Who Can Solve Them.
Hopeless Hurdles
This is one of the parts that would cause me to struggle to recommend this resource to any and all couples. This is a great resource for couples that work together on their relationship in all aspects — spiritually as well as emotionally and physically.
If you are the spouse who is working on the marriage relationship without the teamwork of your partner, this resource can be extremely deflating. The Wilsons turn to prayer — but they turn to prayer either together or individually at times that are close to one another. They have not wandered through their marriage relationship where one spouse is willing to pray and engage in bible reading with their partner, but their partner is unwilling or unmotivated to do the same. There is a lot of beauty in praying together with your spouse. But what about the spouse that is spending years reading their bible alone, praying alone, feeling like they are going as Vertical as possible, but because their spouse is keeping things pretty horizontal, it’s not blessing their overall relationship?
This happens in a lot of relationships where one spouse is spiritually invested and the other is either lapse, dead, or not even a Christian. This can happen in many ways, but this book has only one throwaway line at the end of the book that, if this is their readers’ predicament, to keep going vertical all the same.
But how?
The Wilsons’ throwaway of many relationships is littered throughout Part Three: Intimacy. Ann is clearly the much lower sexually driven spouse, while Dave has the culturally acceptable (I am not going to say common or even normal, because honestly, I don’t believe this is the truth) position of being the husband who wants sex every day at the drop of a hat.
One of the parts that is especially insulting is the chapter where Ann talks about the many ‘bags’ she carries throughout the day as the spouse who is the primary caregiver for the children as well as the keeper of the house. At the end of the day, she has all this luggage she is carrying as her mental load, so when Dave arrives with his one luggage of “sex”, she just can’t handle one more thing. He is offended, turns over, and picks up his sleep luggage while she juggles another suitcase of guilt. She then makes a throwaway line that “well, some relationships are flipped” when it comes to who is carrying the luggage of sexual desire in relationships.
This is such a blatantly negligent and careless misunderstanding of flipped desires. Often, higher sexual desire wives still carry all of that luggage. They are the ones who take care of appointments, clean the house, make dinner, do the laundry, making sure everyone is where they need to be — while also remaining extremely aware of how much they would like to pick up that “sex” luggage their husband could care less about picking up but knowing that if they do, they will either be too exhausted to initiate the experience (and they are continually the only ones that do) or risk the embarrassment of being turned down while still juggling everything else. They then go to bed, usually sexually unsatisfied and ashamed because their husband doesn’t want sex with them —but they still want everything else. I wish Ann Wilson and Dave would address this harmful part of their book and include more perspectives or more neutral ones. I know at the end of their resource, they say they are not going to represent all relationships, but my goodness, experts like Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Juli Slattery are discovering that higher desire wives make up 25% of marriages — sure, that is not the “majority” statistic wise, but it’s a fair amount of couples. And the other 75% isn’t higher desire husbands. There is a good portion of the population that is pretty evenly matched when it comes to spouses. So when you spend four chapters waxing about how Dave just thinks about sex alllllll the time with Ann, woof, that may be the reality in their relationship, but it ignores a good portion of marriages and leads to further shaming and hiding of marriages that don’t have this dynamic.
The same could be said about Dave’s “neck problem” chapters. While some of this absolutely is generational — Dave is in his 60s and did not grow up with the accessibility of porn that Millennials, Gen Z, and Gen Alpha grew up with — the pervasiveness and hurt of porn-addicted husbands (and wives) in marriages is more prevalent than the Wilsons really address. And Dave graciously took Ann’s ire toward it until he got serious. There is little direction for the countless spouses who have a partner who is addicted and either doing little to nothing about it. Nor are they willing to acknowledge or hold space for the pain it causes their spouse. Again, I am not expecting Dave and Ann to fix and solve all relationship issues, but when you spend chapters on struggles that are not the wide experience of people in the church, it feels a little tone-deaf.
Would I Recommend?
Yes.
Overall, despite the Wilsons’ hiccups with intimacy (something I would have less issue with if they didn’t dedicate an entire part and 4 chapters to), there is some really good wisdom to glean in Parts 1 and 2, especially in regards to Part 2.
I think this resource just needs to be recommended with care. I absolutely would not recommend this to dating couples because I think the topics are best suited for those who are seriously marriage-minded or are already in a marriage relationship. I would not recommend this for spouses that are the ones solely pursuing faith in their marriage as I believe it can lead to greater discouragement and unhelpful comparison. And I would not recommend this for couples with intimacy issues. Even those with the louder discrepancy of insatiable husbands and burnt-out wives, the suggestions in their conclusions are relatively unhelpful and don’t really even focus on the vertical.
But for couples that are both pursuing The Lord, want to do a study together, and engaged couples working with a serious pastor on building their future marriage on God, this would be a valuable resource.
If you would like me to review a Christian living resource — whether it’s a book on Spiritual Disciplines, Church History, Marriage, or Living — please let me know in the comments or send me a message.
Warnings To: married couples where only one spouse is saved or faithfully practices, women with higher sex drives in their relationship, dating couples
Dave Wilson was well known for being a chaplain for the Detroit Lions several years before moving on to become the founding pastor of the Kensington Church. He and his wife, Ann, have since taken as the hosts of FamilyLife, a Cru ministry.
I’ve seen Vertical Marriage recommended several places, including the Weekend to Remember ministry that Cru puts on through FamilyLife. I read through the book in the month of January, taking away a couple of good insights, but leaving a bit disappointed overall.
Helpful Hints
But without the Vertical — without God in the first place — we search for life where there is no life…where there is no higher point of grace to create room for growth, forgiveness, and movement.
Wilson 35
One of the first points I appreciated about Vertical Marriage was how vulnerable and real the Wilsons were. Both of them have spent their entire marriage serving in ministry, most notably marriage ministry. At no point, however, did they cite their credibility because of what they did right. Instead, there was so much they did wrong.
The Wilsons start off the novel with a recap of their 10th anniversary celebration. At this point, the two of them had been surviving through Dave retiring from football after an injury and then pivoting to serving as a chaplain for the Detroit Lions, which required him to be gone with the team many weekends throughout the year, leaving Ann with their three young boys on her own and away from family fairly often. Dave was riding the career high, and with that, the often accompanying ignorance for how his abandoned and left behind wife was feeling. Ann was filled with resentment and feeling neglected, so when Dave tried to perform a big romantic gesture on their anniversary night, it failed. Miserably.
Dave and Ann spend a good portion of part one of the book exploring how the unaddressed expectations of marriage they entered their union with, combined with the families of origin they came from, sabotaged their relationship.
It left both of them at the very end of their relationship rope, with Ann ready to bail at the end of 10 years. Both of them are very candid with the uncaring, unkind, and unproductive things they have said to one another. I know that it is supposed to be off the table to talk about divorcing — but that is unhelpful advice when you have reached that point in marriage or when you’ve already broken that “cardinal” sin having said the words. I’ve been there, at the end of my rope, saying that I wanted to be done because I don’t want to stay in the loveless relationship my parents have been in for decades. So when I’ve gone to meetings or had friends counseling me about how we should never say this — it’s too late, we are too far gone, where do we go from here?
The Wilsons have the answer to that in the book. Despite all of the really troubling things they’ve said to one another, and the ways they’ve neglected, humiliated, and hurt one another — they were able to make it. They were able to come back from too far gone and course correct. This is what couples need to hear. Not the dos and don’ts of what not to do, never, ever. In counseling, you learn not to make absolute statements — such as never and always — so can we stop saying that in marriage coaching?
Part two is also a realistic and well-researched wealth of advice. The Wilsons soberingly explore how their families of origin impacted their fighting styles, and what they brought to the conflict ring that was not beneficial. I have sat through and read some marriage content recently that seems to brush off counseling and therapy as a worldly way to approach conflict. But I can say from personal and friend experience that having those counseling sessions can save relationships and help heal a couple more than just attending a couple’s group at church can. The Wilsons’ exploration of hurts and the need for Godly counseling to help process things such as forgiveness, conflict styles, and communication is not only helpful; it is something I think will break down the continued reticent attitude of Christians toward counseling.
The reason this works is that the Wilsons’ overarching theme of their resource is that we need vertical love and vertical help. We cannot fulfill our spouse, make them joyful, or meet all their needs — and they will never be able to do that for us. In order to have a functional relationship, we both need to go to God to have those demands met so we can better relate to and communicate with one another. God needs to be the focus of our lives to receive the healing and guidance at the end of the day to help strengthen the horizontal marriage between husband and wife.
The Wilsons also have cited examples of taking some of their acknowledged hurt or frustrations to the Lord to help them work through those issues. This is the answer that couples need to get through at the end of the day and practice for the rest of their relationship together. The Wilsons do well in demonstrating this as they cite even recent issues they have had with one another that ultimately needed to be solved by bringing their issue, frustration, or troubles back to God.
Many times, the Wilsons are able to find the answers to marital peace and joy through getting on their knees together to bring their problems to the One Who Can Solve Them.
Hopeless Hurdles
This is one of the parts that would cause me to struggle to recommend this resource to any and all couples. This is a great resource for couples that work together on their relationship in all aspects — spiritually as well as emotionally and physically.
If you are the spouse who is working on the marriage relationship without the teamwork of your partner, this resource can be extremely deflating. The Wilsons turn to prayer — but they turn to prayer either together or individually at times that are close to one another. They have not wandered through their marriage relationship where one spouse is willing to pray and engage in bible reading with their partner, but their partner is unwilling or unmotivated to do the same. There is a lot of beauty in praying together with your spouse. But what about the spouse that is spending years reading their bible alone, praying alone, feeling like they are going as Vertical as possible, but because their spouse is keeping things pretty horizontal, it’s not blessing their overall relationship?
This happens in a lot of relationships where one spouse is spiritually invested and the other is either lapse, dead, or not even a Christian. This can happen in many ways, but this book has only one throwaway line at the end of the book that, if this is their readers’ predicament, to keep going vertical all the same.
But how?
The Wilsons’ throwaway of many relationships is littered throughout Part Three: Intimacy. Ann is clearly the much lower sexually driven spouse, while Dave has the culturally acceptable (I am not going to say common or even normal, because honestly, I don’t believe this is the truth) position of being the husband who wants sex every day at the drop of a hat.
One of the parts that is especially insulting is the chapter where Ann talks about the many ‘bags’ she carries throughout the day as the spouse who is the primary caregiver for the children as well as the keeper of the house. At the end of the day, she has all this luggage she is carrying as her mental load, so when Dave arrives with his one luggage of “sex”, she just can’t handle one more thing. He is offended, turns over, and picks up his sleep luggage while she juggles another suitcase of guilt. She then makes a throwaway line that “well, some relationships are flipped” when it comes to who is carrying the luggage of sexual desire in relationships.
This is such a blatantly negligent and careless misunderstanding of flipped desires. Often, higher sexual desire wives still carry all of that luggage. They are the ones who take care of appointments, clean the house, make dinner, do the laundry, making sure everyone is where they need to be — while also remaining extremely aware of how much they would like to pick up that “sex” luggage their husband could care less about picking up but knowing that if they do, they will either be too exhausted to initiate the experience (and they are continually the only ones that do) or risk the embarrassment of being turned down while still juggling everything else. They then go to bed, usually sexually unsatisfied and ashamed because their husband doesn’t want sex with them —but they still want everything else. I wish Ann Wilson and Dave would address this harmful part of their book and include more perspectives or more neutral ones. I know at the end of their resource, they say they are not going to represent all relationships, but my goodness, experts like Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Juli Slattery are discovering that higher desire wives make up 25% of marriages — sure, that is not the “majority” statistic wise, but it’s a fair amount of couples. And the other 75% isn’t higher desire husbands. There is a good portion of the population that is pretty evenly matched when it comes to spouses. So when you spend four chapters waxing about how Dave just thinks about sex alllllll the time with Ann, woof, that may be the reality in their relationship, but it ignores a good portion of marriages and leads to further shaming and hiding of marriages that don’t have this dynamic.
The same could be said about Dave’s “neck problem” chapters. While some of this absolutely is generational — Dave is in his 60s and did not grow up with the accessibility of porn that Millennials, Gen Z, and Gen Alpha grew up with — the pervasiveness and hurt of porn-addicted husbands (and wives) in marriages is more prevalent than the Wilsons really address. And Dave graciously took Ann’s ire toward it until he got serious. There is little direction for the countless spouses who have a partner who is addicted and either doing little to nothing about it. Nor are they willing to acknowledge or hold space for the pain it causes their spouse. Again, I am not expecting Dave and Ann to fix and solve all relationship issues, but when you spend chapters on struggles that are not the wide experience of people in the church, it feels a little tone-deaf.
Would I Recommend?
Yes.
Overall, despite the Wilsons’ hiccups with intimacy (something I would have less issue with if they didn’t dedicate an entire part and 4 chapters to), there is some really good wisdom to glean in Parts 1 and 2, especially in regards to Part 2.
I think this resource just needs to be recommended with care. I absolutely would not recommend this to dating couples because I think the topics are best suited for those who are seriously marriage-minded or are already in a marriage relationship. I would not recommend this for spouses that are the ones solely pursuing faith in their marriage as I believe it can lead to greater discouragement and unhelpful comparison. And I would not recommend this for couples with intimacy issues. Even those with the louder discrepancy of insatiable husbands and burnt-out wives, the suggestions in their conclusions are relatively unhelpful and don’t really even focus on the vertical.
But for couples that are both pursuing The Lord, want to do a study together, and engaged couples working with a serious pastor on building their future marriage on God, this would be a valuable resource.
If you would like me to review a Christian living resource — whether it’s a book on Spiritual Disciplines, Church History, Marriage, or Living — please let me know in the comments or send me a message.
January 17, 2019
For anyone who is married, preparing for marriage, or desperate to save a relationship teetering on the edge of disaster, Dave and Ann offer hope and strategies that really work. Vertical Marriage will give you the insight, applications, and inspiration to reconnect with God together and to transform your marriage to everything you hoped it would be. Read our blog post with Dave and Ann Wilson here: https://bit.ly/2RS1ZcI
August 23, 2020
Good life examples and analogies. Covers the main marriage topics. A little sparse with the scriptures, so not very heavy or deep with the theology. To those who appreciate that, enjoy. To those who want a little more biblical foundation, be aware.
September 11, 2022
I really like this book because Dave and Ann are genuine people. They share real and painful stories, mostly failures, from their marriage to connect with many struggling couples and their eventual success through trusting Jesus gave all struggling couples hope. For many real stories, both Dave and Ann provided their own perspective. It's very helpful for the readers to understand how man and woman think differently.
Some quotes I really like:
If you are looking for a person to fill a divine void, then guess what - every person is the wrong person.
I just told God that I'd rather die than be married to you.
Self-discipline is great, but it doesn't transform hearts; only Christ can do that.
If you want a great marriage, then it starts right here, right now, with you. Get your eyes off of your spouse and what they are doing or not doing. Put your eyes on yourself. You can begin to change your marriage - starting right now - by getting yourself back into the daily disciplines of becoming who God created you to be.
Work out phases: Day 1 is usually embarrassing; day 2 is all about Want to; Day 3 is all about "How to": Divert daily, withdraw weekly, abandon annually.
The truth is that by purely "horizontal" standards of just being human, everyone marries the wrong person.
Fighting the real enemy
The ABCs of handling anger:
A: acknowledge and admit your anger
B: backtrack to the first emotion
C: confess your anger appropriately
Just because you can outtalk your spouse in an argument doesn't mean you should. You can be the smartest person in the room, yet also the most foolish.
All married couples suffer from "selective vision" - we can't seem to see our own faults, no matter how large they may be. But we can easily see our spouse's shortcomings, no matter how small they may be.
The offense is an act, but to stay offended is a choice.
You can tell a man's priorities by looking in two places - his wallet and his calendar.
If cheer makes a man feel respected, then cherish makes a woman feel loved. To cherish means to protect. To pamper. To polish. To provide whatever is needed.
Married couples need to continue to date. And they need to date each other every week.
Nothing - not even the premier parking spot - is too good for the one I cherish the most.
Married couples who have not had sex in months, years, and sometimes decades.
Keep in mind that this was all going on as we were helping to lead an amazing church that was growing by the thousands each year.
Going vertical wasn't just a solitary, simple act.
Colossians 3:23-24: Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
God is not optional, supplemental, or even a helpful puzzle piece to a better marriage. No God is the very table on which the puzzle rests. He is not a supplement; he is the strength itself.
Instinctively, you will want to think that you can just keep diving and that eventually you'll find what you're missing. Many marriages - Christian marriages included - drown in these conditions and under these assumptions.
Apart from me you can do nothing (john 15:5)
Freedome only comes through surrendering control to the One who is in control. If we continue to fight against the call to let Jesus have control of our lives and marriages, then we keep randomly grabbing the steering wheel while Jesus is driving and we all know what kind of fender benders (or worse) such actions will produce.
Relationship phases (REDO): romance, excited, disappointed, Over or overcome.
when we are not filled by Jesus, we try to get from each other what only God can give us. We make our spouse our god, and all spouses make lousy gods.
Maybe marriage was never intended by God to make ius happy, but rather to make us holyu, to be more like Jesus.
Jesus didn't come to make bad people good; he came to make dead people alive.
The book is divided into four parts and the sections for each part are listed below:
Part one: Going vertical
1. Six words that changed everything
2. I've lost my feeling for you
3. A surprise in the Honeymoon Suite
4. The Vertical starts here
Part two: conflict and communication
5. Come back here and fight like a man
6. welcome to the jungle
7. The shapes of wrath
8. Just zip it
9. Tear down that wall
10. All I hear is, "Boo"
11. What every wife longs for
Part three: Intimacy
12. Sex in the Chapel
13. Don't you think about sex all the time
14. Dave's Neck problem (Ann's perspective)
15. Dave's Neck problem (Dave's perspective)
Part four: Living vertical
16. All in
17. Victory through surrender
Some quotes I really like:
If you are looking for a person to fill a divine void, then guess what - every person is the wrong person.
I just told God that I'd rather die than be married to you.
Self-discipline is great, but it doesn't transform hearts; only Christ can do that.
If you want a great marriage, then it starts right here, right now, with you. Get your eyes off of your spouse and what they are doing or not doing. Put your eyes on yourself. You can begin to change your marriage - starting right now - by getting yourself back into the daily disciplines of becoming who God created you to be.
Work out phases: Day 1 is usually embarrassing; day 2 is all about Want to; Day 3 is all about "How to": Divert daily, withdraw weekly, abandon annually.
The truth is that by purely "horizontal" standards of just being human, everyone marries the wrong person.
Fighting the real enemy
The ABCs of handling anger:
A: acknowledge and admit your anger
B: backtrack to the first emotion
C: confess your anger appropriately
Just because you can outtalk your spouse in an argument doesn't mean you should. You can be the smartest person in the room, yet also the most foolish.
All married couples suffer from "selective vision" - we can't seem to see our own faults, no matter how large they may be. But we can easily see our spouse's shortcomings, no matter how small they may be.
The offense is an act, but to stay offended is a choice.
You can tell a man's priorities by looking in two places - his wallet and his calendar.
If cheer makes a man feel respected, then cherish makes a woman feel loved. To cherish means to protect. To pamper. To polish. To provide whatever is needed.
Married couples need to continue to date. And they need to date each other every week.
Nothing - not even the premier parking spot - is too good for the one I cherish the most.
Married couples who have not had sex in months, years, and sometimes decades.
Keep in mind that this was all going on as we were helping to lead an amazing church that was growing by the thousands each year.
Going vertical wasn't just a solitary, simple act.
Colossians 3:23-24: Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
God is not optional, supplemental, or even a helpful puzzle piece to a better marriage. No God is the very table on which the puzzle rests. He is not a supplement; he is the strength itself.
Instinctively, you will want to think that you can just keep diving and that eventually you'll find what you're missing. Many marriages - Christian marriages included - drown in these conditions and under these assumptions.
Apart from me you can do nothing (john 15:5)
Freedome only comes through surrendering control to the One who is in control. If we continue to fight against the call to let Jesus have control of our lives and marriages, then we keep randomly grabbing the steering wheel while Jesus is driving and we all know what kind of fender benders (or worse) such actions will produce.
Relationship phases (REDO): romance, excited, disappointed, Over or overcome.
when we are not filled by Jesus, we try to get from each other what only God can give us. We make our spouse our god, and all spouses make lousy gods.
Maybe marriage was never intended by God to make ius happy, but rather to make us holyu, to be more like Jesus.
Jesus didn't come to make bad people good; he came to make dead people alive.
The book is divided into four parts and the sections for each part are listed below:
Part one: Going vertical
1. Six words that changed everything
2. I've lost my feeling for you
3. A surprise in the Honeymoon Suite
4. The Vertical starts here
Part two: conflict and communication
5. Come back here and fight like a man
6. welcome to the jungle
7. The shapes of wrath
8. Just zip it
9. Tear down that wall
10. All I hear is, "Boo"
11. What every wife longs for
Part three: Intimacy
12. Sex in the Chapel
13. Don't you think about sex all the time
14. Dave's Neck problem (Ann's perspective)
15. Dave's Neck problem (Dave's perspective)
Part four: Living vertical
16. All in
17. Victory through surrender
February 22, 2019
Marriage is made up of moments. In their book, Dave and Ann help us to make those moments as intentional as possible, to not coast through on what we learned from our parents, our friends growing up, or what we have seen on TV or in the movies. They remind us that no matter how perfect you and your spouse are, no matter how much you loved one another on that blissful day, pain, and heartache will never be absent from your marriage. They give us hope that in the midst of this pain we experience, does not at all mean that our marriage is a failure or that we married the wrong person. It means it is real. We do not live in a fairy tale, happily ever after, kind of existence, not can we compare our marriages to those fairy tales. They are fantasy, we are flesh and blood.
Dave and Ann make no promises to fix your marriage or mine, what they try to do is show us how as flawed and broken people, and through their own story of highs and lows, desire to impart tools to help us stick with it, change our perspectives, and enjoy the gifts God has provincially provided for us. They provide honest discourse relating to the difficulties they face in marriage and why. They use humor and personal experience to help paint a picture into what it means to bring God into the marriage. I found myself speaking towards Dave in this book like I might be watching a horror flick on the TV with popcorn telling or yelling at the young teenage girl not to open the door, or to look behind her. To feel his mistakes and pain for bad choices, to cheer for him, or to shake my head in disbelief at the blunders he was making. The beauty of this book is just that, how they are both so open and honest, you can't help but connect with them!
They go into great detail to express the belief that a happy marriage, a great marriage requires a vertical relationship with God. To invite God into every area of your marriage, to surrender all control, and leave all expectations at His feet, and have faith that He will lead you into an amazing journey together!! They speak into the traps many of us have fallen into like business, listening, but not hearing, idols, and many others. Dave and Ann do not pull any punches, Vertical is priority! Their goal is to show vertical as practical, vital, and necessary for our marriages to thrive. I cannot begin to express the help this book provided for me in bringing the theoretical principles I learned and stored away over the years, and actually show us how to apply them in our marriages, to be intentional in all areas of our marriage to bring God to the forefront. It is a daily journey, not a once done you are perfect kind of deal. It is a daily intentional sacrifice to self. Transformation takes time and work!
They speak into conflicts and resolutions, how our past beliefs framed our expectations going into marriage, and how those tiny differences can seem like a might gorge between us. They give solid advise into the moment of the conflict, to our thought patterns, how we feel, and how we fail one another as sinful people needing a Savior to help us relate and love one another despite the wrongs, or bricks piled between us. They desire for the reader to stop and listen, really listen to what God is telling us, to be intentional with every moment we have together. To the best of our abilities, and to recognize that it is God that is carrying us, helping us, leading us, and cheering for us to make it to the end!
Dave and Ann make no promises to fix your marriage or mine, what they try to do is show us how as flawed and broken people, and through their own story of highs and lows, desire to impart tools to help us stick with it, change our perspectives, and enjoy the gifts God has provincially provided for us. They provide honest discourse relating to the difficulties they face in marriage and why. They use humor and personal experience to help paint a picture into what it means to bring God into the marriage. I found myself speaking towards Dave in this book like I might be watching a horror flick on the TV with popcorn telling or yelling at the young teenage girl not to open the door, or to look behind her. To feel his mistakes and pain for bad choices, to cheer for him, or to shake my head in disbelief at the blunders he was making. The beauty of this book is just that, how they are both so open and honest, you can't help but connect with them!
They go into great detail to express the belief that a happy marriage, a great marriage requires a vertical relationship with God. To invite God into every area of your marriage, to surrender all control, and leave all expectations at His feet, and have faith that He will lead you into an amazing journey together!! They speak into the traps many of us have fallen into like business, listening, but not hearing, idols, and many others. Dave and Ann do not pull any punches, Vertical is priority! Their goal is to show vertical as practical, vital, and necessary for our marriages to thrive. I cannot begin to express the help this book provided for me in bringing the theoretical principles I learned and stored away over the years, and actually show us how to apply them in our marriages, to be intentional in all areas of our marriage to bring God to the forefront. It is a daily journey, not a once done you are perfect kind of deal. It is a daily intentional sacrifice to self. Transformation takes time and work!
They speak into conflicts and resolutions, how our past beliefs framed our expectations going into marriage, and how those tiny differences can seem like a might gorge between us. They give solid advise into the moment of the conflict, to our thought patterns, how we feel, and how we fail one another as sinful people needing a Savior to help us relate and love one another despite the wrongs, or bricks piled between us. They desire for the reader to stop and listen, really listen to what God is telling us, to be intentional with every moment we have together. To the best of our abilities, and to recognize that it is God that is carrying us, helping us, leading us, and cheering for us to make it to the end!
August 19, 2021
Dave and Ann Wilson share the secret they learned from their own marriage blunders and missteps. They share vivid high points, triumphs, disappointments, and trials. Smiles erupt into laughter. Disappointments and tears touch the readers’ hearts.
Four parts embrace the concept of putting God first in marriage.
Going Vertical. Facing reality rather than the fantasy of our dating expectations. “But the truth is, marriage is not at all easy. It is a matter of life and death – which is why your vows reflect this truth in the words, ‘Unitl death do us part.'” (p. 46)
Conflict and Communication. Addressing the ABCs of anger, Dave and Ann draw readers into their home as they argue, step back, and learn listening skills, gracious words, and the beauty of forgiving.
Intimacy. “Sex is soul intimacy.” (p. 156) Pornography addiction and sexual temptation are honestly discussed in this section. Readers are encouraged to invite God into their bedrooms as they freely enjoy each other.
Living Vertical. “Let’s say it like this: apart from God’s daily intervention you can do nothing to help your marriage. So then, a vertical mindset shouldn’t be the supplement to the tips, tricks, and strategies for growing a healthy marriage, it should be the main course.” (p. 220)
“When Christ is in the story and you respond to his vertical-first invitation, even painful moments (like having casts put on both your wrists [there’s a story here that you’ll have to read]) will be peppered with a sense of joy that is counterintuitive to your circumstances.” (pp. 216-217)
This wonderful couple stands before the readers in their strengths and weaknesses to share how going vertical, focusing upon God first transforms broken marriages and even good marriages into marriages that honor God and delight the couple.
Four parts embrace the concept of putting God first in marriage.
Going Vertical. Facing reality rather than the fantasy of our dating expectations. “But the truth is, marriage is not at all easy. It is a matter of life and death – which is why your vows reflect this truth in the words, ‘Unitl death do us part.'” (p. 46)
Conflict and Communication. Addressing the ABCs of anger, Dave and Ann draw readers into their home as they argue, step back, and learn listening skills, gracious words, and the beauty of forgiving.
Intimacy. “Sex is soul intimacy.” (p. 156) Pornography addiction and sexual temptation are honestly discussed in this section. Readers are encouraged to invite God into their bedrooms as they freely enjoy each other.
Living Vertical. “Let’s say it like this: apart from God’s daily intervention you can do nothing to help your marriage. So then, a vertical mindset shouldn’t be the supplement to the tips, tricks, and strategies for growing a healthy marriage, it should be the main course.” (p. 220)
“When Christ is in the story and you respond to his vertical-first invitation, even painful moments (like having casts put on both your wrists [there’s a story here that you’ll have to read]) will be peppered with a sense of joy that is counterintuitive to your circumstances.” (pp. 216-217)
This wonderful couple stands before the readers in their strengths and weaknesses to share how going vertical, focusing upon God first transforms broken marriages and even good marriages into marriages that honor God and delight the couple.
May 22, 2019
Excellent, excellent, excellent.
This may be one of my favorite books on marriage, ever. I kept thinking, 'if my husband and I wrote a book about marriage, it would sound just like this.' Dave and Ann were relatable and so transparent. I am thankful that they were willing to share the ugly and the beautiful sides of being married.
I think I have realized more and more that being married is such a shock to our systems. We seem so surprised when this perfect person we've married turns out to be a sinner...just like us. But because it is so much easier to look at the speck in our spouse's eye while neglecting our own planks, marriages are sacrificed at the altar of selfishness, over and over again.
The best part about having Christ as a part of your relationship is having a supernatural kind of help that you could never be responsible for on your own. The idea that we could create enough love or patience or self-control or {anything} on our own to thrive in our marriages is a false narrative. We need Christ! And we need the humility to constantly submit and surrender our marriages to Christ as the One who will never let you down, can heal all things and bring your marriage into glory!
My husband downloaded the audiobook version of this because I think this book has the power to create excellent conversation about our marriage and how we can help encourage others in godly marriages. The tone of the book should have great appeal to male and female audiences, and young or old alike.
This may be one of my favorite books on marriage, ever. I kept thinking, 'if my husband and I wrote a book about marriage, it would sound just like this.' Dave and Ann were relatable and so transparent. I am thankful that they were willing to share the ugly and the beautiful sides of being married.
I think I have realized more and more that being married is such a shock to our systems. We seem so surprised when this perfect person we've married turns out to be a sinner...just like us. But because it is so much easier to look at the speck in our spouse's eye while neglecting our own planks, marriages are sacrificed at the altar of selfishness, over and over again.
The best part about having Christ as a part of your relationship is having a supernatural kind of help that you could never be responsible for on your own. The idea that we could create enough love or patience or self-control or {anything} on our own to thrive in our marriages is a false narrative. We need Christ! And we need the humility to constantly submit and surrender our marriages to Christ as the One who will never let you down, can heal all things and bring your marriage into glory!
My husband downloaded the audiobook version of this because I think this book has the power to create excellent conversation about our marriage and how we can help encourage others in godly marriages. The tone of the book should have great appeal to male and female audiences, and young or old alike.
July 7, 2023
Although this book started out a little corny, I do appreciate the genuineness of the authors about their marriage struggle. Although they present the situations in a “they can laugh about it now” tone of voice, they do not try to sugar coat or present their marriage with rose-colored glasses. They took honestly about their struggles, how they made them feel, and how they dealt with them. I also enjoyed the fact that the book was presenting from both the husband’s and wife’s perspective. Men and women view things so differently, it was good to get both angles on the topics. I wish they had gone into more depth on the conflict styles about how to handle conflict resolution when dealing with they different styles….a bit more practical application than just information. But, the premise of the book is on point: It’s not about whatever creative solution we can come up with to fix our marriage; it’s about surrendering our marriage to God in total dependence and letting Him use us. Easy read. Good points. I enjoyed it.
June 7, 2025
This book would’ve been really helpful early on in marriage. Lots of practical tips (and borderline overly transparent sharing of stories) that surround the need to put God first because only in right relationship with Him can you be in right relationship with a sinful spouse. I especially enjoyed the “divert daily, withdrawal weekly, abandon annually” concept both for spiritual practices and the marriage relationship.
“Our happiness is not because we are finding life in one another. We both have discovered that true life and joy are found in one place—Jesus. And yes, while we both already knew this in theory, when we truly slipped his grace onto our marriage like a pair of warm gloves, the coldness of the horizontal dissipated forever. Why? Because when he is your source of life, then you can each become givers in your marriage, not just leeches who try to constantly take from each other what neither of you is equipped to give.”
“Our happiness is not because we are finding life in one another. We both have discovered that true life and joy are found in one place—Jesus. And yes, while we both already knew this in theory, when we truly slipped his grace onto our marriage like a pair of warm gloves, the coldness of the horizontal dissipated forever. Why? Because when he is your source of life, then you can each become givers in your marriage, not just leeches who try to constantly take from each other what neither of you is equipped to give.”
July 3, 2019
My sister in law, who attends Kensington Church, recommended this book to us. We then suggested it to our couples Bible Study. Our group read and discussed it over 4 or 5 sessions and it seems we all enjoyed it.
My opinion is that every couple should read this book once they have a few years of marriage under their belts. The authors points of view were spot on, their actions were real, and their suggestions were easy to apply. The best parts were the explanations of the visuals they used to see things from each other’s perspective. Many times we found ourselves saying, “Wow, that’s a perfect description!” This book has been extremely helpful to my husband and I at this point in our marriage and we are very grateful for the resource.
My opinion is that every couple should read this book once they have a few years of marriage under their belts. The authors points of view were spot on, their actions were real, and their suggestions were easy to apply. The best parts were the explanations of the visuals they used to see things from each other’s perspective. Many times we found ourselves saying, “Wow, that’s a perfect description!” This book has been extremely helpful to my husband and I at this point in our marriage and we are very grateful for the resource.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 120 reviews