Look, I knew perfectly well what I was doing, when I picked up this book. Still, the writing is so shockingly bad, it will make your eyes water.
I have to admit, I was rather disappointed with the protagonist, Charlene not being Satan, after I read the title: Satan Was a Lesbian.
As it turns out, Charlene’s alleged satanic tendencies include:
- hitting on girls in Continentals
- reckless driving
- nipple gazing
- a demeanour unattractive to men
- one count of bartender murder
- being 5’8
- a non-con BDSM session in a dog collar.
Now, it’s not necessarily the method I object to, but the scale. I think Charlene should go larger.
If you mean to imply that your protagonist is as evil as the Prince of Darkness – even if your hand has been forced in that direction by social censorship of gay characters – I say: commit to it, Fred Haley, alleged author, who was not Monica Roberts.
I realize the 1960’s is not a particularly easy decade to work with – between the multiple wars, famines, coups, genocides, and the Berlin wall, it might almost seem like Satan’s work here is done. But here’s an idea: have your protagonist call that Kremlin-Washington hotline established by Kennedy after the Cuban Crisis, impersonate Khrushchev or Brezhnev, and say the Soviets are nuking the US. Now doesn’t that shorten the distance between “Satan” and “Lesbian” in the title?
Charlene could be the sort of Doctor No character, with a private island, and a penchant for arming small, unstable third-world countries with nuclear weapons, or trading illegal arms to Chinese terrorist squads. If any associate displeases her, she could send them into a fire pit with a push of a button. She could, at one point, capture an elite top-secret British spy and put him in an unnecessarily elaborate torture device involving crotch-cutting lasers, and when he asks: Do you expect me to talk?, she could smile and say, No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die.
Obviously, in this scenario, Charlene couldn’t go out with her novel girlfriend, Cynthia, because Cynthia is – how do I put it best – dumb. No, she’d have to seduce the best women on the market, girls of highest intellectual refinement and moral excellence – the aristocrats of thought – and fuck them over with months of psychological torture; now that’s evil.
See what I mean? Opportunity sadly missed.
This book contains a scene of unironic nipple sucking before a double homicide confession.
Flashbackbang, darling.