Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age

by Darrel J. McLeod

Growing up in the tiny village of Smith, Alberta, Darrel J. McLeod was surrounded by his Cree family’s history. In shifting and unpredictable stories, his mother, Bertha, shared narratives of their culture, their family and the cruelty that she and her sisters endured in residential school. McLeod was comforted by her presence and that of his many siblings and cousins, the smells of moose stew and wild peppermint tea, and his deep love of the landscape. Bertha taught him to be fiercely proud of his heritage and to listen to the birds that would return to watch over and guide him at key junctures of his life.


However, in a spiral of events, Darrel’s mother turned wild and unstable, and their home life became chaotic. Sweet and innocent by nature, Darrel struggled to maintain his grades and pursue an interest in music while changing homes many times, witnessing violence, caring for his younger siblings and suffering abuse at the hands of his surrogate father. Meanwhile, his sibling’s gender transition provoked Darrel to deeply question his own sexual identity.


The fractured narrative of Mamaskatch mirrors Bertha’s attempts to reckon with the trauma and abuse she faced in her own life, and captures an intensely moving portrait of a family of strong personalities, deep ties and the shared history that both binds and haunts them.


Beautifully written, honest and thought-provoking, Mamaskatch—named for the Cree word used as a response to dreams shared—is ultimately an uplifting account of overcoming personal and societal obstacles. In spite of the traumas of Darrel’s childhood, deep and mysterious forces handed down by his mother helped him survive and thrive: her love and strength stayed with him to build the foundation of what would come to be a very fulfilling and adventurous life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Indigenous, Memoir, Canada, LGBT, Biography, Native American

240 pages, Hardcover

First published September 15, 2018

About the author

Darrel J. McLeod (1956/1957 – August 2024) was a Cree writer from Canada. His memoir Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age, an account of his childhood experience of physical and sexual abuse, won the Governor General's Award for English-language non-fiction at the 2018 Governor General's Awards and was a shortlisted finalist for the 2019 RBC Taylor Prize.

Reviews

[Elinor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a difficult memoir to read, as it describes the life of a shy, sweet kid who experiences every kind of childhood trauma. A mixed-race Cree from northern Alberta, Darrel J. McLeod grew up in poverty, without a father, was raised by an alcoholic mother, was sexually abused by a white adult male, lost his older sister to suicide, and was the victim of multiple incidents of racism and sexism. Somehow, he not only survived but acquired a university education and a successful career. I met the author once, and was struck by his wit and warmth and intelligence. This memoir ends while he is still a young man. I'm eager to read the sequel, so that I might better understand his journey through adulthood. This is a very inspiring story, and hopefully one that will shine a beacon of light for abused children everywhere.

[Krista · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helen jumps up, feeling the wetness on the back of her blouse. She, Agnes, Mable and their nieces take off running, screaming, “Mamaskatch! We're free!”

Bertha hears their voices in the distance and yells back, “Tapwe! Mamaskatch! MAMASKATCH!”

The above passage concludes the escape of some little girls from an abusive Residential School in Northern Alberta, and as it says on the dust jacket for Mamaskatch, the title is taken from “the Cree word used as a response to dreams shared”. Just as his mother, Bertha, had escaped her fate at the hands of the despicable nuns, author Darrel McLeod was able to escape what was surely his own fate: that of intergenerational abuse, addiction, and poverty. Through education, resilience, and determination, McLeod defied immense odds to become a respected health care worker, educator, and land claims negotiator (he is apparently working on a second memoir now which I assume will cover his professional life). While McLeod embraces and celebrates his Cree heritage – which makes Mamaskatch an important addition to the Canadian national narrative – this moving memoir would be inspirational to the hopeless and oppressed everywhere.

The pattern of my mother's stories is different from the ones I hear at school. The timelines are never linear. Instead, they are like spirals. She starts with one element of a story, moves to another and skips to yet a different part. She revisits each theme several times over, providing a bit more information with each pass. At first I find it hard to follow, but I've learned that if I just sit back and listen without interrupting, she will cover everything and make each story complete.

Just like with his mother's stories, McLeod “spirals” themes throughout his narrative – jumping ahead years at a time, but always circling back to pick up a thread here and there and show how different influences played out over his life. His father died of cancer just before he was born, so McLeod was raised by a grieving mother who soon turned to other men and alcohol for comfort, giving his childhood an unstable and dangerous atmosphere. Unable to care for her seven children, McLeod's mother lost some to foster care, sent others off to live with family (including young Darrel himself, who would live with a sexual predator for years), and then periodically regained custody of them again. Despite the instability this meant for his schooling (and the frequent racism he encountered at school), McLeod was always a stellar student and embraced education as his pathway to something better. Throughout the years, he tried to find escape in Classical music, and Christianity, and anonymous sex, but transcendence didn't really come until he discovered ways to reconnect to his own heritage. The details of this coming-of-age, the long-lasting psychological effects of his experiences, and the big-hearted resilience that McLeod demonstrated make for a remarkable story; I am unsurprised that Mamaskatch won the 2018 Governor General's Award for English-language non-fiction.

That night, I wondered what it would be like to be normal – happy-go-lucky and cheerful, raised by both a mother and a father, bringing girls home to experiment. Many other evenings, alone in my room, I lay on my bed daydreaming about Guy's life, imagining I had parents like his, even though I had never met them.

What McLeod does best is to share a sense of what his life (and through sharing her stories, what his mother's life) was like in the moment. What Mamaskatch lacks is deep introspection; a sense of what the older and wiser McLeod makes of it all. However, this was McLeod's story to tell and I won't quibble too much about how he chose to share it – which is a gift either way.

[Kelly]

McLeod's memoir isn't one for the faint of heart or for those looking for a happy story about life as a First Nations person. It's a brutal story about intergenerational trauma -- McLeod's mother was a survivor of the residential school movement in Canada and an alcoholic, among other things -- as well as of sexual abuse, poverty, and the ways that society has failed Native people. McLeod's writing is episodic, as opposed to narrative, and at one point, the story is told from the point of view of his mother. Throughout, we meet his siblings, including one who is trans, and we learn who McLeod's own abuser was and how that abuse followed him through his own personal sexuality exploration, as well as what he experiences while working as an assistant in an emergency room.

As bleak and sad and tough as the book is to read, it doesn't feel hopeless. McLeod's voice really shines through as he works to understand what he carries within him and what it is he is able to offer the world to leave things a bit better than they were for him. There's an especially powerful moment when he works to help a man in the hospital who was on suicide watch to choose not to die and it allows us to not only see the massive size of McLeod's heart but also see the tremendous life he himself has lived.

We don't see enough First Nations or Native voices, let alone in memoir, as told in such a way to be authentic to their storytelling ways (so many white/Western readers are frustrated when it's not a linear narrative). This is a great one, but read knowing it's not going to be a feel good story. Nor should it be.

[Danielle Metcalfe-Chenail · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full disclosure: The publisher provided me with an ARC so I could do a Q&A with the author.

Mamaskatch was an utterly mesmerizing book, told in a series of linked vignettes, like the stories the author grew up hearing from his mother. McLeod is honest about the incredibly complex life experiences he had growing up Cree in Alberta in small towns and big cities. He does not shy away from the difficulties he had in his relationships with family members - especially his mother and siblings - or other people around him, and he is raw and explicit about the abuse he suffered and its aftereffects.

And yet, he never overwhelms the reader, just as his spirit was never overtaken by those times of darkness and pain. He is searching and tender and empathetic, while never absolving anyone of their responsibility. And there is always a sense of humour. Sometimes McLeod delivers these punchlines at the ends of chapters, and they really do hit you with theiry wry poignance.

Author Darrel McLeod has also woven in his love of music and language, and captures accents and ways of speaking in a pitch-perfect way. His scenes are vivid and richly rendered, and his prose is as bracing as a cold Alberta stream. I am so glad I was able to spend time with this brave, optimistic and smart "young Darrel", and to watch as he overcame life's struggles with his trademark optimism - yet realism - to become a whole, caring man. I can't wait to read the follow-up to this book, and anything else McLeod decides to share with the world.

[Jane Mulkewich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommended, but a difficult read about an intensely difficult and traumatic childhood, growing up indigenous in Alberta. Darrel was the one who was often the protector for his siblings in their fractured, chaotic and violent home life, and yet he writes with such compassion and understanding of his mother and her own experiences in residential school as a young girl, and then her grief when Darrel's father died, and how that affected her downward spiral into alcoholism. Darrel is working on a second memoir (presumably about his many successes in his professional life), and also some fiction, and I can tell you that I would read anything that this man writes. His story is one of resiliency, of how he excelled at school even when he had almost no stability and support at home, and how he had to take on much responsibility at an early age. He shares his journey to recognize the childhood sexual abuse he experienced for what it was (abuse), and how that has affected his sexuality. An important book and I think all Canadians should read this book.

[George Ilsley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. Moving and unpredictable. Very well-written and disturbing. An open-hearted writer reaching out to open-hearted readers. The result is beautiful, even though the journey may not be comfortable.

Honesty is beautiful, but not always comfortable.

[Norman Howe · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very difficult read. Pressures of race, religion, sexual orientation, and a difficult family situation combine to make Darrel McLeod's life a living hell. Only the knowledge that he lived to write this memoir allowed me to finish it.

[Evelina | AvalinahsBooks · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mamaskatch concentrates on the hard youth of a queer Native American boy and his struggles to get out of his situation, but also maintain ties to a family that was entirely dysfunctional due to generations upon generations of cultural erasure by the white man. It was easily readable and had quite a light tone, considering how tough some of the contents were (rape, violence, homelessness, death.)

Mamaskatch doesn't just concentrate on the life experience of the author – it talks a lot about the experiences of his mother and her sisters, cousins – it especially broke my soul to read about the concentration-camp-like convent style schools where these terrible, cruel nuns inflicted impossible damage upon the little Native American girls. I wept when I read about them not being able to have meals or have to walk barefoot on the cold floor over just speaking a word in their language. To be forbidden to use your own language, especially as a child, is one of the cruelest ways to erase a culture. Perhaps I reacted so strongly because my own people had once been abused in a similar manner – I have actually posted about this before, about the book smugglers – because that was the only way to keep our written word, as it was forbidden by the Russian empire to print anything in the Lithuanian language and alphabet.

I thank the publisher for giving me a free copy of the ebook through Edelweiss in exchange to my honest review. This has not affected my opinion.

Triggers: I might be missing some, but there is rape (lots and lots, and not just women), there is death, suicide, there is drug abuse and alcoholism, poverty of course, homelessness, all kinds of abuse by teachers and church people, domestic violence and just plain old violence, a sad story of changing your sex, coming out as gay in a very conservative society (there's even an exorcism for.. being gay. Yes.) Children die, teens die. I don't know where to start and where to finish. I may have missed a lot, but you get the picture.  

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[Vontel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an amazing memoir of courage, hardship, success, and family. It is a challenging read in many places, of both personal and systemic abuse (and sometimes indifference) and the potentially devastating effects of alcohol excess on all people it touches. McLeod's growing personal resilience and responsibility for family shines through stories of poverty, family love, grief, and horror for circumstances no child should have to live through. Unfortunately, those are still more common than we may like to think for many people of all origins.

An underlay of some of his story is the residential school system his mother and her siblings endured for a number of years, as well as its' religious legacy. Some of the origin of the earthquake in his family circumstances was the death of his Metis father of cancer within the first year after he was born, and the lifelong effect on his mother. As well, he tells of the strength and support of his mother's father in their early lives, his mother's teachings of pride in his Cree heritage, and his memories of their happier family life in earlier days.

The mentorship and support of some key teachers and people in his life, for his academic success and musical talent, shine through his stories of life in rural and city life in Alberta and British Columbia. There are also many tender stories of hope and love in the book, along with the challenges and despairs of growing up. Well worth the read, it is not a book to read at one sitting, but one to reflect on in parts as well as the whole when finished.

[Mary W. Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rarely have I been as moved by a work of non-fiction as I was by Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age. Darrel J. McLeod's clear-eyed account of his agonizingly difficult and lonely childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, his sensitive (if often far too self-critical) depictions of his efforts to manage the crises and hardships he faced, and the evidence he offers of his life-long ability to rise above circumstances that would bring most of us whining and cringing to our knees, combine to create an inspiring and irresistible narrative. While the abuse and deprivation that Darrel faced as he grew up came – for the most part – directly from people in his immediate family, it is clear that the pain of those individuals and the pain they visited in turn on him are due in large measure to the larger context, to the world of misery that arose from the colonization of Turtle Island and its people. And Darrel never lets us forget that his family and his culture are among the sources of his great strength.

Through his even-handed account – astonishingly devoid of self-pity – Darrel J. McLeod demonstrates that he has always been able to put his intelligence, creativity, determination and love for family and community to work in moving beyond the hurdles that he faced, and now he has deployed those same talents to write an account that is both lyrical and deft. Mamaskatch draws us in to a greater understanding of a world that has always existed in our midst, but that many of us have not known (or have preferred not to know) how to see.

[Garth Mailman · Rating 4 out of 5]

An all too familiar story of residential schools, alcoholism, marital discord, sexual and physical abuse, racism, discrimination. Happy families don’t have to exorcize their demons. What happens when the persons you love cause you harm?

Sexually molested by his Uncle Andy among others Darrell knows he likes men but he’s conflicted because the church has taught him it’s a mortal sin.

The novel ends with the death and funeral of his Mother.

[Marjorie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a brutal story. It is however one of survival and Darrel is a survivor. I expected a book by an educated man about his life as a Land Claims Negotiator and his positions as teacher and a Director of of Education and International Affairs. Darrel McLeod is an educated man against all odds. What we got was generations of abuse, despair and alcoholism. However it is well written and one felt sympathy for most of characters. I think the story does show how those without money, hence without power are at a predators mercy and there seems no end of wicked people in the world. I wonder if that will change with camra's everywhere and children being taught to speak up for themselves.

[Alison Jacques · Rating 4 out of 5]

I find it hard to rate memoirs. If I don’t fully connect with the narrative, but I do feel like it’s a life story worth telling/reading, how many stars do I give? I feel like I'm critiquing a person's life. In this case, I didn’t love the execution of the book, but there’s a lot of important stuff here, largely around the intergenerational trauma stemming from colonialism and residential schools, plus the author’s coming to terms with being a gay man in the 1970s and 1980s in the wake of sexual abuse by his brother-in-law and having becoming a born-again Christian. (Side note: points deducted for repeated use of the phrase “lovemaking session.”) A story well worth telling, with some editorial choices that didn't work for me.
3.5*

[Meghan · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the small town of Smith, Alberta, Darrel grew up with his mother and siblings. Growing up on his mother’s stories and Cree culture, he idolized and admired her. This laid the foundation for his love for her and what helped him get through the hardest parts of his life. This memoir took the reader on a journey through the good and bad he had with all of his family and how he’d overcome adversity of the trauma and the societal barriers thrown at him and how it led to the adventurous life he’s led. This was an emotional and at times hard-hitting memoir, full of hope and despair with a lot of story to tell. Just when the reader thought there couldn’t be more to this family, there was more. It was all really interesting and definitely thought-provoking, but for how short this book was, it felt like there was so much content that we only just scratched the surface of everything. It also made this memoir feel over-packed with info and things to keep track of. The reader appreciated and understood that all of it needed to be said and shared, but at times it felt very overwhelming to read it all. Saying that though, this was still very well written and told in a way that was full of hopefulness and optimism, even when it wasn’t always very promising what would come next. The reader really liked reading about the author’s mother and how connected he felt to her, even when it felt like there was no hope left with her, he still used his love for her to push on and continue to be the better person; it was really inspiring to read. In the end, this was heartening story that found a way to be uplifting despite all the tragedy.

[Becky Loader · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author is a Cree from Alberta. His story about the modern indigenous people in Canada is just as disturbing as any I have read about the United States. Children were taken from homes and placed in boarding schools, where they were forced to abandon their native language, clothing, and styles. His family struggled to keep their culture alive and to exist in a quagmire of contradictory environments.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly emotional read! The trauma Darrel J. McLeod (and his whole family) survived broke my heart!
A Quote that resonated for me is, “Religion was simply a way of keeping underprivileged people like us oppressed, fearful and poor.” Afreakinmen!
When you read the damage done and the echoes through the generations, it is Maddening.
Such a wonderful story of survival under the most horrendous situations.

[Cheriee Weichel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is intense. I could only read it in bits before needing to take a break. Darrel McLeod's childhood was brutal. My heart ached for the child he was. In his award winning memoir he writes of his abuse, his love for music, his desire to help his family, his struggles with his sexuality, and his conflict with fundamental Christianity. Education, hard work, and supportive friends helped him heal. This memoir leaves us at his mother's funeral. I hope he writes more. I'm looking forward to reading how he managed to accomplish so much in his life.
What I've taken away from this book is hope. I hope you do too.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Darrel McLeod died fairly recently, and I heard on CBC an interview he had done with Shelagh Rogers about this book; hearing him speak about it, I was moved to find it in the library and read it. I am very glad I did. It was often harrowing and painful, but his loving and gentle, yet fierce, spirit shines through the words.

[Artur Wilczynski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this memoir. It is part of my learning of the Indigenous experience. Many of the experiences resonated with me - particularly the need to belong. Trying to find oneself when the path isn’t clear. Well written and poignant. Highly recommended.

[Debbie Bateman · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this brave memoir, Darell McLeod explores the racism and other forms of judgement that tried to push him down. But he also celebrates his Cree culture and the family love that endured all hardship. This is a powerful read and I could not put it down. Reading about his life, I cried, I raged and I grew still to listen. As with all of the best memoirs, this book allowed me to imagine what it might have been like to be in his shoes. Although this is not the same as being him, not by a long shot, I think trying to understand is the only way we can begin to approach what is so often called truth and reconciliation these days.

[Steph (fallintosteph)]

This was very difficult to get through, but wow, I’ll be thinking about this for a while.

[Sarah (more.books.than.days) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A memoir of one man who discovered the voices of his ancestors, and his own queer self, despite generations of colonial trauma, and oppression. His reflections are full of tenderness and nightmare. They will break to the center of your heart, even as they open your eyes to a bold and fulfilled life.  'Mamaskatch' is the Cree word used to express a dream shared. Darrel J. McLeod shares the dream that was passed to him through his mother's love. A dream embodied in reclaiming his Cree heritage, and revealed to us through an unflinching retelling of his coming of age, and stories rich with love for his family.

[Ben Truong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age is an autobiography written by Darrel J. McLeod. This memoir is an account of his childhood struggles with physical and sexual abuse. This book also touches both on his coming out as a gay man and on his sibling coming out as transgender.

Darrel J. McLeod is a Cree writer from Canada. Originally from Treaty 8 Cree territory near Smith, Alberta, Darrel J. McLeod went on to work as a teacher, a health care worker, a land claims negotiator, and as director of education and international affairs for the Assembly of First Nations.

Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age, which is the Cree word for a shared dream, opens with Bertha Dora, Darrel McLeod's mother, who was taken from her family as a child to be a part of the Residential School, which she greatly struggled with. Fortunately, her misery is rather short lived, because of a daring escape orchestrated by her aunt. However, the damage has been done, as Bertha Dora is doomed to repeat the pattern of violence.

The violence she is doomed to repeat itself throughout her life and the lives of her children. Darrel J. McLeod is subject to the whims of his mother's alcoholism and he suffers abuse – both physical and sexual – at the hands of his brother-in-law.

As a child, he is shunted from his mother's home to his elder sister's home and back. Struggling to come of age in the face of constant fear, Darrel McLeod gradually drifts away from the Catholic Church, an institution that played a heavy role in his early life. Instead, he finds himself drawn to Cree stories and lessons that begin to provide solace, companionship, and meaning to his days.

The figures McLeod writes about shimmer in the best kind of way, from McLeod's beleaguered older sister, Debbie, to his brother, Greg, who eventually transitions into a woman named Trina. This marks the beginning of McLeod's own inquiry into his sexuality and place in the world.

Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age is written rather well. McLeod uses the imagery and tenets of Cree storytelling to make sense of a harrowing childhood. He has written a powerful, unflinching work of non-fiction, one that is not afraid to leave itself raw and unfinished, nodding to the stories that are yet to come.

All in all, Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age is a well-written autobiography about Darrel J. McLeod, his harrowing childhood and his bildungsroman.

[Care]

Trauma doesn't just appear, it's a result of hurt, loss. Residential school, Christianity, intergenerational poverty, addiction, abuse, cultural genocide. And this pain is often passed down through generations, manifesting in different ways. Mamaskatch is a story of this intergenerational trauma as well as about McLeod's coming-of-age and coming to terms with his sexuality.

For some of Darrell's family, their trauma subsumes them. Others build upon the crumbling foundation and pull themselves out of its depths. I was so invested in Debbie, Trina, and Darrel especially. They come to life in the page as such beautiful tributes to his complicated, complex, beautiful siblings. His mother as well is a person I won't soon forget, both for the ways she harmed and neglected her children and also the ways she loved them.

This is such an important book for Indigenous people like Darrel to have access to. As an Indigiqueer/LGBTQ+ person (it isn't specified in the text how he identifies), his memoir is one of a few on the shelf in this sub-genre and must be invaluable for young questioning gay youth (especially Indigenous). Though on the other hand, it may be triggering or offensive for some trans people (more below) so I'm not sure.

The depiction of Darrell's sister Trina, who is transgender and transitions when Darrell is an older child, was a bit troubling to me. She is misgendered and deadnamed several times after its made clear that she is trans by the 'narrative' voice of the author. It doesn't seem like Darrell ever fully accepted his sister or saw her as a genuine woman and this was a bit triggering and upsetting for me

Also, the timeline of this memoir was unspecified in many cases, perhaps in purpose. I found myself unsure in many of his stories and experiences how old he was. There were very few references to years or his age and when it did crop up, I was usually surprised because I had misinterpreted his age in that instance.

This memoir was powerful, emotional, and accessible. If you're a lover of memoirs or Indigenous lit, please check this out. And there's a sequel coming! I can't wait for Peyakow.

Content warnings for: graphic descriptions of child physical and sexual abuse, suicide, neglect, pedophilia, racism, attempted child abduction by a social worker, transphobia, misgendering, deadnaming, scenes in residential schools, scenes with alcohol abuse and drug addiction (including children drinking), poverty.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age" is a straightforward memoir of family dysfunction told plainly and proficiently. There is a lot of troubling material here--addiction, intimate violence, cultural loss, sexual and emotional abuse, family dissolution, death, gender dysphoria, sex work, discrimination, religious exploitation--but the emphasis of the writing is on telling about the events in which these issues arise rather than recreating the mood of these moments. The author tells us his thoughts and names the emotions he struggles with, but there is always a sense of remove. With each page I kept hoping McLeod would reveal more artistry in evoking a mood state as other memoirists have done with similar material--say the enveloping feeling of shame called forth by Jeanette Winterson, the thrill of the reckless abandon of Jim Carroll's writing, the chilling isolation and fear unmasked by Jeanette Wall, the desperate humor of Mary Karr, or the aching sense of loss unearthed by Sherman Alexie--but it never quite emerged. Still, much like the well received "Educated" by Tara Westover, McLeod has an important story to tell and his narrative abilities are strong enough, direct and honest enough, to carry the work forward.

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5. Another sad coming-of-age story about a family harmed by the Canadian government and church and all the repercussions that followed. The author bares his soul however I found the telling of the story a bit choppy with many holes in the narrative.

[Penny · Rating 3 out of 5]

An important story of family and societal dysfunction, although much more emotionless, and therefore less interesting, than I expected. It's always difficult to critique a personal memoir.

[Ian]

“The pattern of my mother’s stories is different from the ones I hear at school. The timelines are never linear. Instead, they are like spirals. She starts with one element of a story, moves to another and skips to get a different part. She revisits each theme several times over, providing a bit more information with each pass. At first I find it hard to follow, but I’ve learned that if I just sit back and listen without interrupting, she will cover everything and make each story complete.”

Mamaskatch: A Cree Coming of Age by Darrel J. McLeod is a raw memoir about a gay Cree boy growing up and discovering himself while facing intergenerational trauma and complicated family relationships. It is told in a nonlinear fashion. The author talks frankly about his experiences growing up as a gay Cree boy and the tremendous amount of abuse and trauma he faced.

McLeod writes about the internalized homophobia and racism he faced growing up because of the Catholic Church. He also writes about his mother’s horrific experiences in residential school. This book made the way religion was/is weaponized by colonizers very clear.

This book is very heavy; you should take care when reading it. Please note the content warnings.

McLeod frequently misgenders his transgender sister, Trina, and refers to her by her deadname. At first, I wondered if it was just a questionable stylistic choice, but in the author’s note, he refers to her as his brother/sister and deadname/Trina. I don’t know if he discussed this with his sister.

There is also a scene where McLeod refers to suicide as selfish. I haven’t seen anybody mention this, so I thought I would warn people.

Memoirs are deeply personal, so I do not want to rate this book. I will say that I am glad I read it!

This was the February book for Erin and Dani’s Book Club (Instagram: @ErinAndDanisBookClub). Thank you so much to Erin and Dani for the work you do to organize this club!

Finally, I am a White settler, so I want to direct you to reviews of Mamaskatch by Indigenous readers. I highly recommend checking out @Erins_Library, @Floury_Words, and @ThunderbirdWomanReads’s reviews on Instagram. You should follow them! They have amazing pages!

CW: residential schools, child abuse, child neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse (sexual assault and rape of minors and adults), pedophilia, grooming, alcoholism, addiction, drug use, misgendering, deadnaming, transphobia, homophobia, internalized homophobia, racism, suicide, death, grief, cheating, religious trauma, foster care

[Magdelanye · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm sure others perceived me as distant and aloof, when in reality I was withdrawn and depressed. p193

From a young age DM had striven to comprehend and order the increasingly chaotic world he was born into. Perhaps it was the strong bond with his remarkable mother before her descent into alcoholism that gave him the confidence to step out of his shell and face down whatever it was that confronted him, from the strap of a bullying teacher to no food in the house. His curiosity about the workings of the world led him out of a dysfunctional trap and he was game to try new things and ways of being, all the time being drawn back to the teachings of his Cree ancestors.

With an endearing simplicity and an amazing memory, the story he shares here is as universal as it is unique. DM asks hard questions of himself and the reader.

Did lust trump bigotry or aggravate it?p132

What did he want for me-to stay poor, uneducated and marginalized? p152

Do you want a beer? p97

Disillusioned with the church, puzzled about his own sexual identity, in his need to figure himself out, DM walks a fine line between integrity and obsession. Many times in the reading I longed to reach out and tell him to relax. How would he have responded to my hug?

This is not a book to skim and if there are too many times we flinch and have to look away, what shines through this painful account is the radiant spirit of DM whose courage and dedication took him farther than he ever imagined.

[Kindra · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a hard read. It was heartbreaking to read about Darrel’s mother and siblings being abused in residential school and then later how that trauma manifested itself in her parenting. As a result, Darrel and all his siblings were exposed to violence, neglect and sexual abuse. The hope in this story came from how hard Darrel worked in school, despite the racism and hardships he experienced and became well accomplished in his career. But since Darrel’s sexuality was in question for the majority of the book, I would’ve liked that element to have resolved itself. He spends a lot of time thinking about how his sexual abuse by a fatherly figure probably caused him to be gay, as well as the very strict religious ideas he was given telling him he was going to hell for wanted to be with a man. You can hear the struggle and turmoil he’s in as he grapples with these ideas as he’s growing up. Even though he loses the religious ideas and goes to therapy, he never tells the reader if he has accepted himself as a gay man. There’s no “coming out” to his family or even a hint to the reader that he found himself a loving partner and is ok with his sexuality now (I read afterwards that he’s been with the same man for about 30 years). And that’s ok too if he hasn’t found that peace yet, I just would’ve liked that theme to have some resolve to it, even if that meant telling the reader he’s still not ok with it.