Through, Not Around

by Allison McDonald Ace (Editor), Ariel Ng Bourbonnais (Editor), Caroline Starr (Editor)

Everything doesn't (always) happen for a reason.



Infertility and pregnancy loss can be devastating, yet both are often private sorrows for the one in six people who cope with the experience. This collection offers personal stories about what it's like to go through the emotional and physical facets of infertility, miscarriage, and pregnancy loss: the pain, sadness, and desperation, the hope, humour, and frustration.

Genres: Nonfiction, Essays

248 pages, Paperback

Published February 19, 2019

About the author

Allison McDonald Ace is a writer, communications manager for GoJava.ca and community board member on the Maternal Mental Health Committee at Sunnybrook Hospital. After experiencing a late-term miscarriage with her second pregnancy, she became an advocate for sharing stories of child loss to help people feel less shame and isolation. Allison lives with her son and husband in Toronto.

Allison is a co-founder of The 16 Percent (www.the16percent.ca), a site dedicated to those who have experienced infertility in all iterations. The 16 Percent provides a space where you can read about personal experiences with infertility--the before, during and after.

Reviews

[Leah Phillips · Rating 4 out of 5]

A collection of essays that offer a window into this particular landscape of loss that is often difficult to understand. It was nice to bear witness to the experiences of women who ‘get it’.

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is so important, and kind of just what I needed to read while dealing with infertility myself (except that I am now even more scared of all the things that could go wrong if I do successfully conceive). I thought the authors were so brave to share their stories with the world, and the essays were mostly very candid and poignant. I thought there could have been just a little more diversity and perhaps a little more positivity attached to choosing childfree, but otherwise this was fantastic. Would highly recommend to anyone who's dealt with infertility or pregnancy loss.

[Emily Chen · Rating 4 out of 5]

“It’s like my body is an ambitious new baker who gets all the right ingredients but fucks it all up in the kitchen.”

[Emi Yoshida · Rating 3 out of 5]

For anybody who's ever miscarried, or wondered about infertility, this is the collection of essays for you. The editors did a great job of collecting and presenting a variety of experiences within the theme, from different points of view and with varying outcomes to some degree. I agree with the main principle that these writers share, that our stories about infertility and chemical pregnancies and stillbirth should be shared widely, not hidden in shame. Twelve years ago when my life felt controlled by the Big F*ckin' Negative, I would have loved to have this as a reference book. BUT, I don't know that reading it would have helped with my off-the-charts stress level at the time. And reading it now, I have to admit it took me a while to get through, because of PTSD and the repetitive nature of this group of narratives; even though each tragic loss is unique, the bleeding and emotional reactions again and again and again are painful reminders, and also triggers.

I do appreciate the helpful messages contained here, for example I like how Neusa Arraial stresses the importance of "focusing on nurturing ones childless self". I would have liked to have seen more positive attention put on the childfree option. I wish the organization Resolve.org had been mentioned in any capacity but I'm American so I guess I'm wishing there were a similar support group available in Canada that these writers could have referenced. If you're dealing with infertility in the US, go to Resolve.org immediately.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

First off, I want to say that the women and men who shared their stories about infertility and pregnancy loss have got to be the bravest. My heart was pulled in many pieces hearing about their pain and putting some of their painful experiences into my life when I thought I had a miscarriage without even knowing I was pregnant.
This book and the many stories pulled out my compassion and empathy and I cried many times feeling the words that were written so poignantly. It was encouraging to hear that after such pain, in time, there can be some healing without forgetting.
To read this book is to connect on a deep level with the pain that others have gone through and to reconsider the thoughtless comments about children that people think is their right to know and to ask, without any consideration as to why some people don't have children.
Read it and feel the incredible strength and courage that the women have to keep trying and to keep on keeping on as they work through such a deeply painful, hidden and often unacknowledged by society, grief.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Had to read this in pieces as I processed my own journey and loss. But, that being said, I found solace in this book. I haven’t told many people the details of our journey or our recent loss, so it was helpful to hear other’s stories. And it also helped me to feel less alone with the place I’m at. I’ve been really struggling with my mental health and reading this book made me see that that’s not unusual after all we’ve been through. At the time, going through it, I sort of shut down and it felt distant. Now it’s creeping up on me and I feel like I haven’t yet given myself the okay to see it for what it was at the time and that it’s okay to not be okay now. Trauma adds up in the body if you don’t process it and at the time, it was so overwhelming, I compartmentalized it. And it was so nice to know I’m not the only one that has done that on this journey. In fact, it’s much more common than we think. Glad to have this book to remind me of that when I feel lost.

[Laurie Burns · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know I wish I didn’t have a reason to have read this book but I did. And I’m glad that this book exists for the one out of six of us who will deal with infertility or loss. The essays vary and of course I connected more with some over others however there are so many times that I was reading that I felt yes yes, this yes. I’m glad this collection exists so that we don’t have to feel so alone. I don’t know what the ending of my story will be, but it’s good to relate to other people.

[andreea molocea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an important book. The stories are diverse, the losses can be triggering. BUT. I felt at home with this book. I felt understoond. Reading it in 2 days I felt like living for 48 hours in a normal world where these children I lost are equally important with the living ones. And this is wonderful.
Thank you to each author 🙏

[Marinna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a powerful book. You will probably need Kleenex to get through some of these stories, but it's worth it. It's so important for women to have resources to turn to with first hand accounts of loss and infertility. I would highly recommend this collection of stories.

[Catherine Hattie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Kimbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Real stories from real people.

[Ance · Rating 5 out of 5]

Liked it

Deep and passionate. Maybe slightly too many essays overlap when it comes to the topic (mainly miscarriages), nonetheless they are touching anyway. Recommend.