Rewriting the Rules: An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships

by Meg-John Barker

We live in a time of uncertainty about relationships. We search for The One but find ourselves staying single because nobody measures up. We long for a happily-ever-after but break-up after break-up leave us bruised and confused.

Rewriting the An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships is a friendly guide through the complicated - and often contradictory - advice that's given about sex and gender, monogamy and conflict, break-up and commitment. It asks questions about the rules of love, such as which to choose from all the rules on offer? Do we stick to the old rules we learnt growing up, or do we try something new and risk being out on our own? And what about the times when the rules we love by seem to make things worse, rather than better?

This new edition, updated throughout, considers how the rules are being 'rewritten' in various ways - for example in monogamish and polyamorous relationships, different ways of understanding sex and gender, and new ideas for managing commitment and break-up where economics, communities, or child-care make complete separation impossible. This book considers how the rules are being ‘rewritten’ in various ways, giving you the power to find an approach that best fits your situation.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Queer, Psychology, Self Help, Sexuality, Polyamory

402 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 9, 2018

About the author

Dr. Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Their popular books include the (anti-)self-help relationship book Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love (with Jacqui Gabb), Queer: A Graphic History (with Julia Scheele), and Enjoy Sex, How, When and If You Want To (with Justin Hancock). Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and has published many academic books and papers on topics including non-monogamous relationships, sadomasochism, counselling, and mindfulness, as well as co-founding the journal Psychology & Sexuality and the activist-research organisation BiUK. They were the lead author of The Bisexuality Report – which has informed UK policy and practice around bisexuality – and are currently co-editing a book on non-binary gender with similar aims in that area. They are involved in running many public events on sexuality and relationships, including Sense about Sex and Critical Sexology. Meg-John is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist working with gender, sexually, and relationship diverse (GSRD) clients.

Reviews

[Ekmef · Rating 3 out of 5]

This would have been the perfect book as a marriage gift for us ten years ago. It basically contains everything that makes our marriage work. On the other hand, it does come with a lot of baggage and I wouldn't just uncritically read it and accept it as the truth, as it does suffer a bit from relational relativism. I think it's better to learn all these lessons through regular discussion with your partner :).
The authors systematically examine 'rules' we take for granted in relationships and explore how we could rewrite them to fit our ideas and wishes. Examples of such rules are 'sex is the highest possible form of intimacy', 'there is only One right person for you' or 'monogamy is the only option'. Adhering rigidly to these rules often doesn't work out for people, but instead of having open conversations about what people actually -want-, there are a lot of implicit assumptions. The book spends a lot of time detailing how 'common' rules such as monogamy don't work even for monogamous people because it is often not understood what is meant by that (can you have friends of the same gender as your partner? What defines a close friend vs a partner?) and it's often inconsistently applied. Better to talk things through instead of assuming! You can decide together to have a nice vanilla relationship, but at least you'll consciously decide it together instead of hoping your partner feels the same about it.
That was the good/ok part. The bad part is that it falls into the trap so many polyam media seems to propagate. Ie, there is a 'positive' view of polyamory (I have got so much love in me that I want to share that with more than one person) and a negative view - I can never be enough for someone and someone can never be enough for me so that is why having multiple partners is inevitable. If the author chooses that worldview of course they can, but I don't jam that way personally. No, my partner doesn't fulfill my every needs but he doesn't need to, that was the point of rewriting the rules. Finding an additional partner just to eh fulfill an unmet need seems to be an unnecessary burden on the new partner. Similarly, the fact that many commitments ultimately end, doesn't mean that trying for one is a sign of having a scarcity mindset.
The view on relationships is a bit eh limited in other ways as well. When you're together, you inevitably change each other. The book rejects the concept of an inmutable self in the first few pages but then proceeds to explain that you shouldn't change yourself for your partner or ask them to change because then you are not your authentic self anymore. Eh, either we change or we don't. I personally like the system science approach where there is no true cause or effect, but change is inevitable :). So no hiding yourself or masking yourself, but no denying that you do change by going through things together.
Knowing what I know now, the whole section on conflict seems to be trauma-driven rather than driven by actual psychological science. To explore what happens in such 'demon dialogues', the book 'Hold me tight' offers a way better perspective.
Oh, and there's a 'westernized buddhism' alert.
So, nope, this review isn't exactly a recommendation, but when you like discussing your relationship using a book as a template, it's a fun book and there's plenty of stuff to think about!

[Benjamin · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent and engaging read.

Written for a popular audience, this 'no-a-self-help' book manages to bring forward contributions from psychological literature but also manages to draw in phenomenological, existential, and spiritual authors, as well as using plentiful examples drawn from real life experience and popular media fiction.

As someone who works academically with phenomenology, existentialism, and literatures of the self and selfhood from a philosophical perspective, I really appreciated the way that this text managed to make several of the nuances of these vast bodies of literature speak to very everyday and real life concerns. It is a real strength of Barker's writing that they are able to do this without losing a lot of that complexity.

The text is also fantastically non-judgemental - and does not invite the reader to question pre-existing rules for no reason other than sheer novelty. It's a very patient and considered work.

[Lumys · Rating 5 out of 5]

My therapist recommended me this book several times but I dragged me feet because I prefer the novelty and escapism of fantasy & sci-fi over something that drags me back to the real world, forcing me to confront my feelings. And then, a period of intense emotional turmoil happened and I thought, "What the hell? Maybe this can help" and it did.

What's great about this book is that while it gives some answers, it asks more questions, it challenges a lot of things ("rules"). This includes our relationship to ourselves, with others, how to handle conflicts, break-ups or questioning around sex, gender, commitment or monogamy. The wealth of resources, advices, different PoVs is staggering to be honest, and while I read this across 4-5 days, I can see this book as a good reference for the years to come.

The parts that particularly struck me were (and those are my own interpretations/paraphrases):
- We have multiple faces and we aren't static, we change as time goes on, us reacting a certain way in a certain situation doesn't mean we are always like that forever
- While "you must be happy with yourself before going into a relationship" could be wrong, we should focus on ourselves through self-care, balancing freedom and commitments and moving away from hard/soft to gentle/firm model in order to feel more fulfilled
- In the same vein, keeping an healthy relationship with ourselves help us keep our freedom in relationships, avoid relying on others too much but also give them freedom so we don't seem them as static (objectifying them)
- While this isn't new to me, it's good to be reminded that "The One" most likely doesn't exist and hoping for a "Happy Ever After" is unlikely to happen, trying to diversify one's relationships and expecting less from a single one

There is so much valuable advice in this book I think I am doing a disservice in trying to highlight the ones which spoke to me. Even if you learn nothing new from it, it's good to hear some of this from someone else!

[Chaundra · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far the most important book on relationships that I’ve read and far more radical than More Than Two. What Barker invites us to do is critically and kindly evaluate “the rules” (about our selves, conflict, commitment, etc) and deeply consider how well they serve us. And all with a lens of kindness and honesty. I’ve already found myself revisiting bits of chapters and no doubt that will continue for years to come.

If you’re looking for a Queer resource on how to live radically, this is your book. And if you don’t know what Queer might mean in this context, well Barker has a book on that too.

One of our most profound thinkers today. We are lucky to have them writing and being out in the world.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential Reading on Relationships (of any kind!).

Love, Sex, Gender, Monogamy, Conflict, Break-Up, Commitment – whether you want to do things differently from societal rules or look to better understand why the rules you're playing by work well for you, this book offers a great introduction with lots of practical reflections.

[K · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read bits of the first edition to this a few years ago and have been recommending it to friends for awhile. Reading this revised edition was totally worth it even if some of the content felt like I already knew it. It never hurts to have a refresher on the basics of being true to yourself.

[Rosanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most incredible books I have ever read. A way to rethink everything you have learned and rewrite the rules of your life. Amazing

[Dace Znotiņa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Man patīk šīs grāmatas uzstādījums un arī lielākā daļa tajā paustās idejas. Grāmata ir strukturēta, lai katrā nodaļā tiktu secīgi apskatīti esošie principi (rules), kāpēc tos būtu veselīgi pārskatīt un ieteikumi jauniem principiem. Tēmas aptver personību, starppersonālās attiecības (lielā mērā romantiskās, taču arī cita veida), attiecības ar sabiedrību.
Autore/s ir pati/s pietiekami "ārpus standarta", lai daudz ko rakstītu no pieredzes, un vietām tiek doti arī personīgie piemēri.
Tomēr piemēru daudzums man šajā grāmatā būtiski pietrūka. Daudzas no apskatītajām idejām tiek vispārinātas, lai tās derētu ļoti dažādām personām, taču reizēm lasot ir grūti tik vispārīgu un visai filosofisku saturu projicēt uz reālo dzīves situāciju. Citās līdzīga stila grāmatās tieši piemēri ļāva "teoriju" iznest "praksē", tādējādi bija krietni vieglāk grāmatas saturu pielīdzināt reālajai situācijai.
Grāmatā jau pašā sākumā ir atrunāts, ka nevajag visu pieņemt bezkritiski, jo būs lietas, kas katram derēs citādāk. Šī ir grāmata, kas galvenokārt mudina domāt, un saprast, ka cilvēkam nav jādzīvo sabiedrības uzliktajos rāmjos, bet gan jāmeklē pašam savi. "Mūžīgi kopā", "absolūta monogāmija", "Īstais un vienīgais" un citi kultūrā tik bieži sastopamie principi šeit tiek smuki izķidāti, lai lasītājs tos aptvertu un saprastu, ka var arī savādāk - gan sevi nespiest svešā rāmī, gan negaidīt to no otra. Protams, jebkādās attiecībās tas ietver to, ka arī otram ir jābūt līdzīgam vismaz tādā ziņā, ka piekrīt nebūt stingros rāmjos un uzklausīt otru.
Grāmata mudina pieņemt nenoteiktību, saprast, ka patība ir plurāla un mainīga, un tāpat arī jebkuras attiecības laika gaitā mainās. Cilvēks ir individualitāte, un katrs dažādās personības un attiecību skalās atradīs savus punktus citās vietās. Autore/s aicina būt stingriem un tomēr maigiem pret sevi un citiem, uzklausīt, pieņemt, mainīties, meklēt un nenobīties būt tādiem, kas varbūt īsti neiekļaujas citu uzskatos.
Otrs grāmatas trūkums, kas varbūt ir tīri subjektīvs, bija fakts, ja teju visās nodaļās tiek solīts, ka pēdējā nodaļā būs praktiski padomi, kā šos principus pārrakstīt. Ja lielākā daļa grāmatas ir galvenokārt filosofiska un nedaudz zinātniska, tad tiešām gaidīju pēdējo daļu (īpaši tāpēc, ka man pietrūka piemēru). Tomēr pēdējā nodaļā apmēram puse bija tikpat filosofiska, bet otra daļa saturēja padomus, kā nenoteiktajā pasaulē atrast sev kādu atbalsta punktu. Noderīgi, tomēr tas nebija gluži tas, ko es biju gaidījusi no solījumiem.
Kopumā nenožēloju, ka veltīju laiku grāmatas visām nodaļām. Ir, par ko padomāt. Šī noteikti nebūtu pirmā grāmata, ko es ieteiktu citiem, kas interesējas par līdzīgām tēmām, tomēr abstrakti, filosofiski domājošiem un pašanalizējošiem lasītājiem varētu derēt.

[helena con h · Rating 5 out of 5]

he disfrutado leyendo este libro como hacía mucho tiempo que no me pasaba😎🌞🥂
cuando empecé a investigar y leer sobre el poliamor lo primero que me esperaba encontrar era alguna especie de manual que me diera en bandeja unas reglas diferentes y nuevas para alcanzar esa idea difusa que tenia del término. algo que me dijera cómo se hace. eso habría sido mucho más fácil, la verdad.
pero para nada. este libro es una reflexión activa de la libertad, las personas, los límites, los sentimientos, el autocuidado o la comunicación. una reflexión sobre nuestros propios deseos, de como encaminarnos a ellos y también de la importancia de su contexto. este libro habla de identidades, crecimiento, de sexo, de cambio, de amor y sobre todo de la vida misma.


desde este momento creo que soy más consciente de los cubos de cangrejos 🦀 🤭

[Inês Ferreira · Rating 4 out of 5]

7/10

[Łukasz Langa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have a problem with this book. I want to like it since I agree with pretty much everything that it says.

Yes, every person is plural and in process. Yes, relationships change over time and so rigid structures make them less robust, not more. Yes, there is nothing wrong in understanding and communicating your own wants. Yes, communicate communicate communicate. Yes, monogamous people are less so than they'd like, only nonconsensually. Yes, society is a crab bucket (see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_me...). Yes, everybody is an outsider in one way or another and we need to ground ourselves in the mundane. I agree with all of that and more.

The problem is not the message then, the problem is the technical content and how it's presented. My overall feel of the book is that it reads like a series of low-budget blog posts.

I would not be entirely unfair to summarize the message of the book with three words. "You do you." The author's style of writing is very noncommital. Very often they disclaim what they just said or are about to say. "It depends." I found this disappointing. MJB is an expert, you expect them to use some assertive language in their work. You expect them to share their findings. Even if there are exceptions, you expect them to share how the distribution looks like, where you are most likely to fall, and what to do. I understand that the book's tagline is "an anti-self-help book". My issue is with the confusing image built which suggests that there are tons of possibilities, all are equally likely to apply, and therefore nobody knows anything.

Moving on. There's plenty of references and "further reading" in the book. Problematically, a good amount of those are references to other books by the same author, or zines on their website. I found this unsatisfying. The book does plenty of that itself, constantly linking to other chapters as you're reading. I'm not sure what the point behind this was. In my experience it felt forced and distracting.

The illustrations in the book are distracting as well, especially the chapter openers. That was surprising to me as they are just a small part of the content. I wish somebody else was commissioned to do them. The current ones just don't look well crafted.

There's some "there's" vs. "theirs" kind of errors in the content.

Finally, the Kindle edition in particular was rather poorly edited, with chapter markers present on every heading, making the device claim I had "1 minute left in chapter" for the entire book. The illustrations were poor resolution and small, making the tiny text tricky to decipher. The type setting of some of the headings was off, with "Reflect on this" specifically lacking proper capitalization, making it confusing to read when it appeared.

All in all, 3/5. I agree with the what is being said but I don't like how it was said.

[Vera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Das Buch ist perfekt für Einsteigende in das Thema Lebensregeln und was diese sind, warum man sie hinterfragen kann und welche Alternativen es dazu gibt. Da ich schon einige Bücher über alternative Beziehungamodelle gelesen habe, waren die Kapitel zur Selbstliebe und Konflikt für mich interessanter, als die zu Geschlecht, Sexualität oder Beziehungsthemen.
- Ihr Schreibstil ist schön kompakt, man kann Kapitel für Kapitel lesen oder auch nicht die Reinfolge des Buches einhalten und wird gut mitgenommen.
- es gibt sehr sehr viele Übungen/Reflexionsaufforderungen, die ich alle ignoriert habe, weil ich einfach erstmal lesen wollte und sonst ewig gebraucht hätte.
- die Begründung, dass es kein Selbsthilfe Buch ist, finde ich sehr schön. Ich fand auch immer, dass die meisten Ratgeber Bücher so klingen, als wäre man selber verantwortlich wenn man im Leben nicht klarkommt bzw. Aspekte des Lebens. Dabei wird zu wenige darüber gesprochen wie viele Regeln es im Leben für die meisten Aspekte gibt, die als Standard überall gespiegelt werden. Solche Regeln zu hinterfragen ist oft wohltuender, als mehr zu meditieren oder sich in eine positive Haltung zu zwängen! 🌼

[elias · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mostly good perspective that does not claim to give The Answer. Instead the author encourages the reader to turn a critical eye and consider how they want to live their life more intentionally.

Sometimes it felt like some ideas were stretched a bit too far. But that’s okay because if you feel like those ideas don’t work out for you, the author encourages you to only take what you need after consideration. Some sources were a bit questionable. Toward the end of the book the author brings up The Five Love Languages, which I always thought was such a silly concept. How can someone’s love language be Being Listened To? Isn’t that a universal need in human interactions? But again, this doesn’t necessarily affect the message of the book.

The author was also very aware of their biases and was diligent in not pushing their agenda, which was nice.

[Sophia Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for people exploring identity and relationships. It takes the reader on a very practical journey and asks us to explore our assumptions, desires and needs. It is compassionately written, and would be especially helpful for anyone starting the journey of exploring their gender, sexuality or relationship orientation.

[Calico · Rating 4 out of 5]

While a bit inaccessible to an ADHD reader due to large paragraphs and somewhat meandering (at times) points, Barker does a good job. The book is well structured and digestible and ensures to actually provide research. By and large, a good book about questioning your existing rules around sexuality, gender, etc.

[HBC · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to work alongside MJ throughout this book's gestation and was so excited when it was finally in print! A kind, warm guide to thinking through what you want from relationships.

[Mary Ajibola · Rating 5 out of 5]

You have to read this before you start any sort of relationship

[emily]

definitely a necessary book but i think i’m not the target audience for this since i knew most of it already. would recommend it to a lot of (especially allo) people

[Ivana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Komplexná a dobre štruktúrovaná kniha, ktorá začína kritikou ideálu romantickej lásky a výhradného zamerania na romantické partnerstvo v našej spoločnosti - a kladie veľmi dobré otázky každému. Antisprievodca je akýmsi mapovaním toho, akými rozmanitými spôsobmi, na akých rovinách sa môžeme vzťahovať k ľuďom okolo, znovu sa pripomína význam priateľstiev a vlastnej reflexivity (pre tých, ktorí sú citliví na slovo duša). Konflikty, slepé cesty, financie, všetko included.
+ Súčasný a šťavnatý preklad Michala Kubiny! Vďaka nakladatelství Nevim.

[PJ Mblt · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5* Better than the Ethical Slut, but still not fully my thing. It still gave me too much of a self-help vibe, and too little academic background. Suffice to say, the more researched parts spoke much more to me than the exercises.

[Mireia · Rating 4 out of 5]

4,5

[eri mrtva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super knížka pro lidi v různých fázích, přináší fakt skvělý myšlenky hodně laskavým, udržitelným a inkluzivním způsobem. Super pro všechny, co chtějí vyjít z patriarchálních forem vztahů!

[Lucia Filova · Rating 5 out of 5]

MI-LU-JEM
best book ever