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Die 7 Geheimnisse der glücklichen Ehe
'Kann man voraussagen, wie lange eine Partnerschaft hält? Ja, meint John M. Gottman, und tritt dafür sogar den wissenschaftlichen Beweis an. Mit Hilfe seines 'Ehelabors' erforscht er seit Jahrzehnten die Geheimnisse glücklicher Ehen. Er hat dabei sieben Prinzipien herausgearbeitet, die erfolgreiche Paare auf ihrem Weg zu einer harmonischen und langlebigen Beziehung anwenden. Mit vielen praktischen Ratschlägen und griffigen Fallbeispielen.'
324 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1999
12977 people are currently reading
52732 people want to read
About the author
John M. Gottman
95 books2,097 followersDr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,826 reviews
January 7, 2016
John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides in detail the ways in which a person could have a healthy marriage and by extension the principles also generally apply to romantic relationships in general and perhaps even just friendships. I'll put this principles in my own words to make them more perspicuous; you can read the book if you want his words.
The first principle is to increase your knowledge about each other. You ought to be able to know, for example, who your significant other doesn't like at work. You should also know his or her life philosophy. And what her deepest dreams are. Etc.
The second principle is about nurturing your fondness and admiration for each other. This involves first looking at your partner worthy of dignity and respect. Too often in a relationship you can get hung up on how you don't like your partner's habits or you don't like some of these fundamental differences in attitude he or she has from you. By focusing again on your partner's positive characteristics, reminding yourself why you like or love this person in the first place, will help you re-center your relationship.
The third principle is turning to your partner to communicate about the mundane stuff of life. If you haven't begun to or forgotten how to enjoy talking to your partner about your everyday activities or his or her everyday activities, it would be good to re-light that fire, to just be able to talk about work, problems, what you have been thinking about lately, what you saw that day, etc. Gottman writes that everyday you cherish this time and you act encouraging toward your partner at this time, it is like putting money in the emotional bank, which really helps when time gets tough.
The fourth principle is letting your partner influence you. Since a relationship is give-and-take, and since it would be a mathematical impossibility for you to be right all the time, be willing to let your partner's decision influence what you think or your actions or whatever. Allowing for this give-and-take and not being obstinate goes a long way.
The fifth principle is solving your solvable problems. Some of the problems, say maybe 30%, of the problems you have are solvable problems. This is because they are mainly situational problems. If you begin to make changes in your schedule with respect to each other, or in little ways of doing things, you will be able to deal with each other a lot more easily.
The sixth principle is "overcoming gridlock." Probably about 70% of the problems that a couple has together is a matter of deep fundamental differences you two have. It is okay to have differences. For example, perhaps you are someone who is always interested in saving money and your partner is someone who is always interested in having a good time (which occasionally means that spending money won't be an important issue for him or her). You won't be able to change each other about these deep fundamental issues, so it calls for a compromise; this is "overcoming gridlock." You can begin to make compromises regarding this, say, by making a budget together and then allowing each other to freely spend within that budget. (Perhaps this isn't the best example, but it's the best I could do for the moment.) The important thing is is that you work to compromise and get through these differences.
The seventh principle is creating "shared meaning." This might not seem very specific, but what Gottman means is that you create a culture in which the two of you live, and if you have children within the three, four, five, nth number of you live. You create rituals for yourself, you celebrate special holidays, you honor certain rites of passage, you create duties and obligations and practices for yourself within your family unit. This is the real, deep stuff that one might call spiritual.
Gottman provides a lot of activities and exercises throughout the way, little games that you can play with your partner or with other couples to improve and increase the strength of your relationship. This is a wonderful wonderful book.
The first principle is to increase your knowledge about each other. You ought to be able to know, for example, who your significant other doesn't like at work. You should also know his or her life philosophy. And what her deepest dreams are. Etc.
The second principle is about nurturing your fondness and admiration for each other. This involves first looking at your partner worthy of dignity and respect. Too often in a relationship you can get hung up on how you don't like your partner's habits or you don't like some of these fundamental differences in attitude he or she has from you. By focusing again on your partner's positive characteristics, reminding yourself why you like or love this person in the first place, will help you re-center your relationship.
The third principle is turning to your partner to communicate about the mundane stuff of life. If you haven't begun to or forgotten how to enjoy talking to your partner about your everyday activities or his or her everyday activities, it would be good to re-light that fire, to just be able to talk about work, problems, what you have been thinking about lately, what you saw that day, etc. Gottman writes that everyday you cherish this time and you act encouraging toward your partner at this time, it is like putting money in the emotional bank, which really helps when time gets tough.
The fourth principle is letting your partner influence you. Since a relationship is give-and-take, and since it would be a mathematical impossibility for you to be right all the time, be willing to let your partner's decision influence what you think or your actions or whatever. Allowing for this give-and-take and not being obstinate goes a long way.
The fifth principle is solving your solvable problems. Some of the problems, say maybe 30%, of the problems you have are solvable problems. This is because they are mainly situational problems. If you begin to make changes in your schedule with respect to each other, or in little ways of doing things, you will be able to deal with each other a lot more easily.
The sixth principle is "overcoming gridlock." Probably about 70% of the problems that a couple has together is a matter of deep fundamental differences you two have. It is okay to have differences. For example, perhaps you are someone who is always interested in saving money and your partner is someone who is always interested in having a good time (which occasionally means that spending money won't be an important issue for him or her). You won't be able to change each other about these deep fundamental issues, so it calls for a compromise; this is "overcoming gridlock." You can begin to make compromises regarding this, say, by making a budget together and then allowing each other to freely spend within that budget. (Perhaps this isn't the best example, but it's the best I could do for the moment.) The important thing is is that you work to compromise and get through these differences.
The seventh principle is creating "shared meaning." This might not seem very specific, but what Gottman means is that you create a culture in which the two of you live, and if you have children within the three, four, five, nth number of you live. You create rituals for yourself, you celebrate special holidays, you honor certain rites of passage, you create duties and obligations and practices for yourself within your family unit. This is the real, deep stuff that one might call spiritual.
Gottman provides a lot of activities and exercises throughout the way, little games that you can play with your partner or with other couples to improve and increase the strength of your relationship. This is a wonderful wonderful book.
August 20, 2012
If you can get past Gottman's ego in the first few chapters, you'll find some very sensible and useful advice from his extensive study of couples. Some of it seems obvious, some not, but all the content worthwhile to review at some level, probably every 5 years or so. There are even questionnaire/exercises in each chapter.
Some key points (from memory)
Be friends; invest time daily in knowing what/who's bothering or exciting the other; don't necessarily try to "fix" unresolvable conflicts (you don't actually need to to have a great marriage); be aware of negative patterns of communication that creep up (the "four horseman" of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), be sure to dive deep into past family patterns & narratives; explore all the hard topics (money, kids, caring for parents); and other stuff.
Some key points (from memory)
Be friends; invest time daily in knowing what/who's bothering or exciting the other; don't necessarily try to "fix" unresolvable conflicts (you don't actually need to to have a great marriage); be aware of negative patterns of communication that creep up (the "four horseman" of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), be sure to dive deep into past family patterns & narratives; explore all the hard topics (money, kids, caring for parents); and other stuff.
June 21, 2009
I wanted to dislike this book. The title looks like a bald-faced rip-off of Stephen Covey and the author seems to think he's the only person who has ever had a profound thought about marriage. Gottman proclaims that his ideas are different, but there are many similarities between his prescriptions and those of the therapists he disdains. Still, my full head of righteous indignation was wasted, because Gottman won me over by the end.
First, some background. Early in my own marriage I took a series of parenting classes taught by our community's own black-belt of child raising, Linda Jessup. While the focus was parenting, the skills and concepts are the same for marriage (actually they also work at the office, hiring contractors for your house, and many other situations). In these classes I learned many of the skills mentioned in the book, and I can honestly say much of the happiness in my life derives from those early classes.
Anyone who has talked to me about relationships has heard me talk about what I call the "OTMC" ("One True Method of Communication"). I learned it from Linda, but I found it to be one of the few consistent threads in all the self-help books I’ve read. The OTMC goes as follows: "When you do _____, I feel ____". It takes some practice, and can easily be misused (things like, "When you act like an idiot, I feel like strangling you" are not the OTMC!), but it really does work. While Gottman initially distances himself from the OTMC, he comes around eventually and I did learn a lot from his treatment ("re-learned" is more accurate). Gottman does a good job explaining that there is more to the OTMC than the sentence structure. These include avoiding what he calls the "harsh startup", and avoiding the words "always" and "never".
Linda used to say, "It's easier to build a relationship on respect than on love." Gottman expands on this, and I think he's spot on. He says he can tell the state of a couple's marriage in three minutes of observation. At first I thought that statement was arrogant and far-fetched, but as I read, and remembered Linda's saying, plus the observations I've made of couples I know, I now think it's probably true. Another area of agreement between Linda and Gottman is the concept of the "emotional bank account". I particularly like his concept of "letting your partner influence you". I also liked the idea of "love maps" and the exercises which probe how much you know of the inner thoughts and history of your partner.
I think Linda would approve of this book. What I'm not so sure about is whether you can learn these skills effectively from a book. Gottman gives many examples of untrained partners in his book, but that’s not a complete substitute for a trained instructor who can find examples in your own life. Also, the exercises you need to perform to become "trained" are likely to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, so book readers may skip them. In a class, everybody is embarrassed, but you get through it.
First, some background. Early in my own marriage I took a series of parenting classes taught by our community's own black-belt of child raising, Linda Jessup. While the focus was parenting, the skills and concepts are the same for marriage (actually they also work at the office, hiring contractors for your house, and many other situations). In these classes I learned many of the skills mentioned in the book, and I can honestly say much of the happiness in my life derives from those early classes.
Anyone who has talked to me about relationships has heard me talk about what I call the "OTMC" ("One True Method of Communication"). I learned it from Linda, but I found it to be one of the few consistent threads in all the self-help books I’ve read. The OTMC goes as follows: "When you do _____, I feel ____". It takes some practice, and can easily be misused (things like, "When you act like an idiot, I feel like strangling you" are not the OTMC!), but it really does work. While Gottman initially distances himself from the OTMC, he comes around eventually and I did learn a lot from his treatment ("re-learned" is more accurate). Gottman does a good job explaining that there is more to the OTMC than the sentence structure. These include avoiding what he calls the "harsh startup", and avoiding the words "always" and "never".
Linda used to say, "It's easier to build a relationship on respect than on love." Gottman expands on this, and I think he's spot on. He says he can tell the state of a couple's marriage in three minutes of observation. At first I thought that statement was arrogant and far-fetched, but as I read, and remembered Linda's saying, plus the observations I've made of couples I know, I now think it's probably true. Another area of agreement between Linda and Gottman is the concept of the "emotional bank account". I particularly like his concept of "letting your partner influence you". I also liked the idea of "love maps" and the exercises which probe how much you know of the inner thoughts and history of your partner.
I think Linda would approve of this book. What I'm not so sure about is whether you can learn these skills effectively from a book. Gottman gives many examples of untrained partners in his book, but that’s not a complete substitute for a trained instructor who can find examples in your own life. Also, the exercises you need to perform to become "trained" are likely to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, so book readers may skip them. In a class, everybody is embarrassed, but you get through it.
April 28, 2021
I'm confused by John Gottman. His work is mentioned respectfully by sociologists and other therapists: he went into his Love Lab and figured out what makes relationships fall apart, it's kind of revolutionary. And then the big insight is that if people get really worked up about mundane disagreements to the point that they're making shitty personal attacks on their partner or shutting down and not engaging in the discussion, the marriage is probably not going to work. It's less a primer on how to make marriage work and more on how to have conversations like an adult.
Which I mean fine, I'm sure there's a market for guides on interpersonal relations for the emotionally stunted. I just hope that the advice in here is tailored to be comprehensible to that audience and Gottman doesn't actually believe a lot of this stuff. Otherwise this is more interesting as a meta-psychology text on the dysfunctional relationship ideas a respected researcher actually holds. I dunno, maybe I'm the crazy one: he's the professor and I'm just some guy. But he's also from a different generation, and I feel like a lot of the practical advice comes off as circa 1950s datedness.
Emotional labor belongs to the aggrieved spouse. The way it's pitched in Seven Principles is that when your husband doesn't do the laundry for the nth goddamn time even though you told him to, it's your responsibility to broach the subject amicably so that the conversation doesn't get emotionally charged. Not that it's his responsibility to hear the criticism like the adult he ostensibly is and handle it in a mature way. You've gotta do the laundry because he didn't, and you also have to work to be okay with that. I hope that this is canted the way it is deliberately, like that the husband keeps shutting down in conversations, so your self-help book has to extend him an olive branch so that he can interact with it productively.
Women enjoy emotional labor because of hunter-gatherer societies. I don't know why this is even in here. It's not supported by any kind of experimental results from his research because it's evo-psych handwaviness, which is never supported by any kind of experimental results. I hazard the guess that it's an attempt to allow the reader to intellectualize the differences in communication style between themselves and their spouse? How about just "some people respond differently to conflict, and that's fine" with no need for the tooth fairy.
You should clean your house so that your wife will fuck you. Really? We're doing the quid pro quo thing now? The argument is not that you should do your share of housework because you care about your partner's comfort and value your shared living space--no, you should know that research shows greater sexual frequency in partnerships where the man does more cleaning. It's just so tactless and dated, a leering drunken uncle mumbling about your sex life. I'm forced to conclude that either this is deliberately pandering to the heteronormative ownership paradigm, like these are the terms he feels he has to use with his target audience, or that John Gottman himself is an emotionally retarded weirdo.
Overall I get the feeling that this is intended for the sort of people who get into screaming matches with their partners in Wal-Mart parking lots because they bought the wrong brand of bottled water, and you only did it because you don't care about me, you're just like your drunk of a father and you're going to die alone, I hate you etc. If you're already an adult in non-chronological ways there isn't much here. Gottman frequently refers to "Four Horsemen," the major signs that a relationship is going to end; I can't remember them other than contempt, but my partner and I have adopted the term sarcastically, e.g. "honey why didn't you like my Facebook post; not liking my Facebook posts is one of the Four Horsemen." I didn't take anything away other than that.
Which I mean fine, I'm sure there's a market for guides on interpersonal relations for the emotionally stunted. I just hope that the advice in here is tailored to be comprehensible to that audience and Gottman doesn't actually believe a lot of this stuff. Otherwise this is more interesting as a meta-psychology text on the dysfunctional relationship ideas a respected researcher actually holds. I dunno, maybe I'm the crazy one: he's the professor and I'm just some guy. But he's also from a different generation, and I feel like a lot of the practical advice comes off as circa 1950s datedness.
Emotional labor belongs to the aggrieved spouse. The way it's pitched in Seven Principles is that when your husband doesn't do the laundry for the nth goddamn time even though you told him to, it's your responsibility to broach the subject amicably so that the conversation doesn't get emotionally charged. Not that it's his responsibility to hear the criticism like the adult he ostensibly is and handle it in a mature way. You've gotta do the laundry because he didn't, and you also have to work to be okay with that. I hope that this is canted the way it is deliberately, like that the husband keeps shutting down in conversations, so your self-help book has to extend him an olive branch so that he can interact with it productively.
Women enjoy emotional labor because of hunter-gatherer societies. I don't know why this is even in here. It's not supported by any kind of experimental results from his research because it's evo-psych handwaviness, which is never supported by any kind of experimental results. I hazard the guess that it's an attempt to allow the reader to intellectualize the differences in communication style between themselves and their spouse? How about just "some people respond differently to conflict, and that's fine" with no need for the tooth fairy.
You should clean your house so that your wife will fuck you. Really? We're doing the quid pro quo thing now? The argument is not that you should do your share of housework because you care about your partner's comfort and value your shared living space--no, you should know that research shows greater sexual frequency in partnerships where the man does more cleaning. It's just so tactless and dated, a leering drunken uncle mumbling about your sex life. I'm forced to conclude that either this is deliberately pandering to the heteronormative ownership paradigm, like these are the terms he feels he has to use with his target audience, or that John Gottman himself is an emotionally retarded weirdo.
Overall I get the feeling that this is intended for the sort of people who get into screaming matches with their partners in Wal-Mart parking lots because they bought the wrong brand of bottled water, and you only did it because you don't care about me, you're just like your drunk of a father and you're going to die alone, I hate you etc. If you're already an adult in non-chronological ways there isn't much here. Gottman frequently refers to "Four Horsemen," the major signs that a relationship is going to end; I can't remember them other than contempt, but my partner and I have adopted the term sarcastically, e.g. "honey why didn't you like my Facebook post; not liking my Facebook posts is one of the Four Horsemen." I didn't take anything away other than that.
February 28, 2024
Takeaways from reading the book:
# 1: What questions can you ask your partner to learn about who she or he is?
6 examples:
A. What is your favorite app? Why?
B. What stresses you the most in your life? Why?
C. What is the best way for you to relax? Why?
D. What emotions do you feel about work you do? Why?
E. How would you design your perfect home? Why?
F. Who are your 2 best friends? Why?
# 2: How can you express admiration for your partner?
- Page 74 and 283: Say thank you to your partner.
- Page 82: Express appreciation for what you like about your partner. Examples: 1. A situation when your partner supported you well? 2. A physical attribute you like about your partner.
- Page 161: Be as kind towards your partner as you are towards other people. Example: If your partner spills water on the table cloth, say "would you like some more water?" instead of "Can't you be more careful?"
# 3: How can you connect with your partner?
- Page 94: Do things together. 2 examples: 1. When you have dinner with your partner, ask her or him how her or his day went. 2. Plan house improvements with your partner.
- Page 99: Show understanding when your partner talks. Two examples: 1. Listen. 2. Say "that could happen to anyone."
- Page 104: Ask for more information. Two examples: 1. Can you say more about that, please? 2. How did you feel in that situation?
- Page 105: Repeat what your partner says. Example: "I hear you say that you feel stress because you have to do your own work as well as the work of the leader. Do I understand that correctly?"
- Page 220: Stay connected when you become parents. Examples: 1. When a woman shifts into her new role as a mother, the man also needs to be both a husband and a father. 2. To have time together, invite a person to take care of / learn with your child once in a while.
# 4: What can you do to solve problems you have in your relationship?
- Pages 143 and 185: When you come across a problem / challenge, explain to your partner what you need and wish: "I wish that... Is that possible?"
- Page 164: Take responsibility for a problem, for example by saying "I know this is not all your fault. I know I play a role in this issue as well."
- Page 201: When tension arises between a) a man's partner and ) the man's mother, the reason is often that the two women battle for the man's love. The solution to this challenge is this: The man must take the side of his partner. He is a partner - then a son. In other words, his partner comes first. His mother's emotions may be hurt by this, but sooner or later she will get used to it and adjust to this reality.
- Page 242, 250 and 258 ff.: Gridlock is a sign that each of you has needs that the other person a) is not aware of, b) has not acknowledged or c) does not respect. The challenge is to understand what the other person's needs, for example by asking questions such as "What do you need?" Then the challenge is to respect those needs.
Method to solve a challenge that a couple has:
1. Define the problem / challenge.
2. Each person explains his / her needs.
3. Each person explains a) what is not negotiable for him / her, and b) what he / she is flexible about.
4. Write a temporary compromise that you agree to try out a brief period of time.
5. Say thank you for what you appreciate about your partner.
# 5: What can you do to create a shared purpose?
- Page 252: 3 levels of becoming a part of your partner's purpose: 1. Express understanding and interest in learning more about the purpose of your partner. 2. Offer to help your partner find her or his purpose. 3. Become a part of your partner's purpose.
- Page 275: Three questions that help you find your purpose: 1. What goals do you have for yourself? 2. What goals do you have for your relationship? 3. What do you think of when you hear the word "home"? What does home mean to you?
# 6: What are tips to calm down a heated discussion?
Pages 27, 173-177, 193 and 284:
1. Express emotions you feel.
2. Say openly when you need to calm down.
3. Ask your partner for help to calm down. Examples: "Can you please be gentler with me?" "Can you please help me calm down?"
4, Say openly when you need to take a break. Examples: "I need a break." "I will make a cup of tea."
5. Say openly when you are sorry. Example: "Sorry, I was wrong."
6. Laugh about yourself.
7. Hug your partner.
8. Express that you want to get to yes by respecting needs of each one of you. Example: "Let us find out which of the needs, each one of us has, are related to each other."
9. Say what you appreciate. Example: "I would like to thank you for..."
Other research from reading the book:
- Page 21: At the heart of the 7 principles is the fact that a great partnership is based on deep friendship, i.e. mutual respect for and enjoyment of the other's company. Friendship promotes positive emotions, and friendship fuels the flames of romance.
- Page 282: Many people feel that they are not good enough. People, who feel that they are not good enough, search for what is wrong with themselves. What we need to do is accept who we are - including accepting everything we don't like about ourselves. Forgive yourself.
# 1: What questions can you ask your partner to learn about who she or he is?
6 examples:
A. What is your favorite app? Why?
B. What stresses you the most in your life? Why?
C. What is the best way for you to relax? Why?
D. What emotions do you feel about work you do? Why?
E. How would you design your perfect home? Why?
F. Who are your 2 best friends? Why?
# 2: How can you express admiration for your partner?
- Page 74 and 283: Say thank you to your partner.
- Page 82: Express appreciation for what you like about your partner. Examples: 1. A situation when your partner supported you well? 2. A physical attribute you like about your partner.
- Page 161: Be as kind towards your partner as you are towards other people. Example: If your partner spills water on the table cloth, say "would you like some more water?" instead of "Can't you be more careful?"
# 3: How can you connect with your partner?
- Page 94: Do things together. 2 examples: 1. When you have dinner with your partner, ask her or him how her or his day went. 2. Plan house improvements with your partner.
- Page 99: Show understanding when your partner talks. Two examples: 1. Listen. 2. Say "that could happen to anyone."
- Page 104: Ask for more information. Two examples: 1. Can you say more about that, please? 2. How did you feel in that situation?
- Page 105: Repeat what your partner says. Example: "I hear you say that you feel stress because you have to do your own work as well as the work of the leader. Do I understand that correctly?"
- Page 220: Stay connected when you become parents. Examples: 1. When a woman shifts into her new role as a mother, the man also needs to be both a husband and a father. 2. To have time together, invite a person to take care of / learn with your child once in a while.
# 4: What can you do to solve problems you have in your relationship?
- Pages 143 and 185: When you come across a problem / challenge, explain to your partner what you need and wish: "I wish that... Is that possible?"
- Page 164: Take responsibility for a problem, for example by saying "I know this is not all your fault. I know I play a role in this issue as well."
- Page 201: When tension arises between a) a man's partner and ) the man's mother, the reason is often that the two women battle for the man's love. The solution to this challenge is this: The man must take the side of his partner. He is a partner - then a son. In other words, his partner comes first. His mother's emotions may be hurt by this, but sooner or later she will get used to it and adjust to this reality.
- Page 242, 250 and 258 ff.: Gridlock is a sign that each of you has needs that the other person a) is not aware of, b) has not acknowledged or c) does not respect. The challenge is to understand what the other person's needs, for example by asking questions such as "What do you need?" Then the challenge is to respect those needs.
Method to solve a challenge that a couple has:
1. Define the problem / challenge.
2. Each person explains his / her needs.
3. Each person explains a) what is not negotiable for him / her, and b) what he / she is flexible about.
4. Write a temporary compromise that you agree to try out a brief period of time.
5. Say thank you for what you appreciate about your partner.
# 5: What can you do to create a shared purpose?
- Page 252: 3 levels of becoming a part of your partner's purpose: 1. Express understanding and interest in learning more about the purpose of your partner. 2. Offer to help your partner find her or his purpose. 3. Become a part of your partner's purpose.
- Page 275: Three questions that help you find your purpose: 1. What goals do you have for yourself? 2. What goals do you have for your relationship? 3. What do you think of when you hear the word "home"? What does home mean to you?
# 6: What are tips to calm down a heated discussion?
Pages 27, 173-177, 193 and 284:
1. Express emotions you feel.
2. Say openly when you need to calm down.
3. Ask your partner for help to calm down. Examples: "Can you please be gentler with me?" "Can you please help me calm down?"
4, Say openly when you need to take a break. Examples: "I need a break." "I will make a cup of tea."
5. Say openly when you are sorry. Example: "Sorry, I was wrong."
6. Laugh about yourself.
7. Hug your partner.
8. Express that you want to get to yes by respecting needs of each one of you. Example: "Let us find out which of the needs, each one of us has, are related to each other."
9. Say what you appreciate. Example: "I would like to thank you for..."
Other research from reading the book:
- Page 21: At the heart of the 7 principles is the fact that a great partnership is based on deep friendship, i.e. mutual respect for and enjoyment of the other's company. Friendship promotes positive emotions, and friendship fuels the flames of romance.
- Page 282: Many people feel that they are not good enough. People, who feel that they are not good enough, search for what is wrong with themselves. What we need to do is accept who we are - including accepting everything we don't like about ourselves. Forgive yourself.
August 27, 2020
Most of the material and practical advice provided in this book made me very uncomfortable to follow and put it into practice, I guess the old saying is correct indeed, you need to be uncomfortable at times to make your lives better.
This book offers seven principles to cope with your marriage and improve it for betterment. Each principle has a questionnaire to evaluate where your relationship stand in terms of a positive aspect which is essential for a good marital relationship and it also includes fun exercises and games which needs to be participated by both spouses which helps to solidify your understanding on one another and learn more about each other. A detailed list of dos and don'ts are included to make your partner safe and comfortable around you.
The important lessons I have learnt about marriage in this book are:
- Learn about your partners interests, preferences, important milestones and achievements to improve your love maps
- For better quality of your personal life, build a habit of appreciation for your partner's good deeds, admire and celebrate your partner's achievements
- During a conflict, use a softened start-up, be specific about what upset you but don't generalize.
- While arguing make sure your heart-rate is around 80, if it crossed more than 100, let your partner know that you'll continue this discussion after a while, take a pause for 20 minutes, practice breathing exercises and concentrate on the good characteristics of your partner
- Two types of problems raises in marriage, temporary/solvable problems and perpetual/gridlock problems. For a happy relationship, it is crucial to understand the differentiating ambitions and shared values and have a common ground and compromise for making each other happy.
It is not an easy read to stomach, happy marriage comes at a cost of shared efforts, sacrifices and compromises.
This book offers seven principles to cope with your marriage and improve it for betterment. Each principle has a questionnaire to evaluate where your relationship stand in terms of a positive aspect which is essential for a good marital relationship and it also includes fun exercises and games which needs to be participated by both spouses which helps to solidify your understanding on one another and learn more about each other. A detailed list of dos and don'ts are included to make your partner safe and comfortable around you.
The important lessons I have learnt about marriage in this book are:
- Learn about your partners interests, preferences, important milestones and achievements to improve your love maps
- For better quality of your personal life, build a habit of appreciation for your partner's good deeds, admire and celebrate your partner's achievements
- During a conflict, use a softened start-up, be specific about what upset you but don't generalize.
- While arguing make sure your heart-rate is around 80, if it crossed more than 100, let your partner know that you'll continue this discussion after a while, take a pause for 20 minutes, practice breathing exercises and concentrate on the good characteristics of your partner
- Two types of problems raises in marriage, temporary/solvable problems and perpetual/gridlock problems. For a happy relationship, it is crucial to understand the differentiating ambitions and shared values and have a common ground and compromise for making each other happy.
It is not an easy read to stomach, happy marriage comes at a cost of shared efforts, sacrifices and compromises.
May 10, 2023
I was very interested to read a book by this author, he has created the Gotttman Institute, he's the forerunner in the field as I understand. The research behind his findings, such as watching couples reside for a weekend in a lab with everything being assessesed - he asks couples to do all things as they normally would such as carry on their creative pursuits, talk and even fight.
He states his research is to watch what works in successful marriages, not to only focus on what doesn't work in marriages that are struggling.
The author narrated his book and I did glean a lot from the read, but this book I would say is much better experienced in the physical form. There are too many excercises to be undertaken, and the way this was done on audio was repetitive. Just not sure why this was done on audio, but I was happy to give it a go as I have heard so much of the author and his expertise. It is dated in parts, but it's quite a good book, with lots of good takeaways.
Particularly turning toward your partner, showing interest, making an effort, as opposed to turning away. It sounds simple but I think sometimes after years together, and sometimes taking advantage of your partner and not nurturing what you have, things fall over from time to time. Some of the examples were heartwarming, some sad.
I am interested in his ideals and will look for more of his books, but not sure if audio is the best way.
He states his research is to watch what works in successful marriages, not to only focus on what doesn't work in marriages that are struggling.
The author narrated his book and I did glean a lot from the read, but this book I would say is much better experienced in the physical form. There are too many excercises to be undertaken, and the way this was done on audio was repetitive. Just not sure why this was done on audio, but I was happy to give it a go as I have heard so much of the author and his expertise. It is dated in parts, but it's quite a good book, with lots of good takeaways.
Particularly turning toward your partner, showing interest, making an effort, as opposed to turning away. It sounds simple but I think sometimes after years together, and sometimes taking advantage of your partner and not nurturing what you have, things fall over from time to time. Some of the examples were heartwarming, some sad.
I am interested in his ideals and will look for more of his books, but not sure if audio is the best way.
March 8, 2008
An excellent book that I think married and single people who would like to one day marry should read! John Gottman and Nan Silver studied marriages for over twenty years, following the same couples. They observed how the couples talked to each other...the every day chit chat, the serious conversations and even the fights. What they curiously observed is that fighting is not what breaks marriages up. In fact, fighting can be good for marriages in some ways.
What they did find is that in the couples who remained married and reported being happily married, there were elements of behavior present that aided in getting through disagreements and fights. In the marriages that ended or were unhappy, there were elements that were also present that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
I learned a lot from reading this book. I studied law before I began practicing it, so why not study marriage before embarking on a lifetime with someone?
The best part of the book is that if you and your partner are BOTH willing to do so, you can learn to incorporate the seven principles into your life together so that you can love each other, even when you are in disagreement or a difficult time.
It's in workbook style, so it takes some work if you read it as a couple, but if you're open minded and you make yourself vulnerable to your mate, it's worth the process!
What they did find is that in the couples who remained married and reported being happily married, there were elements of behavior present that aided in getting through disagreements and fights. In the marriages that ended or were unhappy, there were elements that were also present that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
I learned a lot from reading this book. I studied law before I began practicing it, so why not study marriage before embarking on a lifetime with someone?
The best part of the book is that if you and your partner are BOTH willing to do so, you can learn to incorporate the seven principles into your life together so that you can love each other, even when you are in disagreement or a difficult time.
It's in workbook style, so it takes some work if you read it as a couple, but if you're open minded and you make yourself vulnerable to your mate, it's worth the process!
January 12, 2011
Back in April of this year, Dr. Liz Hale, a licensed clinical psychologist, started her remarks to a local audience of more than 100 mental health professionals by saying, “Dear fellow colleagues, you are in danger of having an affair.”
Her point was that every marriage, even those of the marriage gurus, is vulnerable to infidelity–be it sexual or emotional. Individuals have to actively curb all the subtle and often innocent beginnings that lead to unfaithfulness.
“We make the mistake of thinking (marital) vows will keep us safe; and they don’t,” she said. She went on to say that couples cannot depend on love or similarities to keep their marriage intact. It’s not enough.
Emotional or sexual infidelity isn’t as rare as we might think. But even if we don’t stray into some type of unfaithfulness, that doesn’t mean a marriage will stay together. Like anything worth having, a good relationship takes work.
But what kind of work? What are the key principles for making a marriage last?
For many years the prescriptions of marriage gurus were based on anecdotal evidence and rules of thumb—on opinion. Because the opinions weren’t tested, they led to all sorts of errors. For example, many yet believe that the road to marital bliss is through communication, specifically through successful conflict resolution. According to this idea, happy couples are those that have learned to resolve all their conflicts in a nice manner. The problem is that when conflict resolution was put to the test, the studies showed it didn’t work. Marriage therapies based on conflict resolution share a very low success rate—over the long haul they only work about 20% of the time.
So what does work?
John Gottman is a marriage counselor who took a different approach and started to collect rigorous scientific evidence on over 650 couples, tracking the fate of their marriages for up to fourteen years. The results of his work are startling.
He uncovered a number of relationship myths, including the one about communication. He found that happy marriages were never perfect unions. These satisfied couples often had differences in temperament, interests, and family values. They argued over money, kids, and housekeeping, just like unhappy couples did. They had problems and faced issues. However, all these satisfied couples also practiced seven principles, even if they didn’t know it, which helped them navigate their way through all the difficulties and keep their marriages happy and stable.
And it’s not just opinion. The success rate for the type of marital therapy based on his research is 80%. He knows what makes marriages work and has written it up in a fabulous book called The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work.
Every marriage is vulnerable to failure. It takes work to enjoy a satisfying relationship with a spouse. But it’s so much easier to improve and maintain a relationship when you’re working on the things that actually make a difference. If you want to improve your marriage, give Gottman’s book a read.
Her point was that every marriage, even those of the marriage gurus, is vulnerable to infidelity–be it sexual or emotional. Individuals have to actively curb all the subtle and often innocent beginnings that lead to unfaithfulness.
“We make the mistake of thinking (marital) vows will keep us safe; and they don’t,” she said. She went on to say that couples cannot depend on love or similarities to keep their marriage intact. It’s not enough.
Emotional or sexual infidelity isn’t as rare as we might think. But even if we don’t stray into some type of unfaithfulness, that doesn’t mean a marriage will stay together. Like anything worth having, a good relationship takes work.
But what kind of work? What are the key principles for making a marriage last?
For many years the prescriptions of marriage gurus were based on anecdotal evidence and rules of thumb—on opinion. Because the opinions weren’t tested, they led to all sorts of errors. For example, many yet believe that the road to marital bliss is through communication, specifically through successful conflict resolution. According to this idea, happy couples are those that have learned to resolve all their conflicts in a nice manner. The problem is that when conflict resolution was put to the test, the studies showed it didn’t work. Marriage therapies based on conflict resolution share a very low success rate—over the long haul they only work about 20% of the time.
So what does work?
John Gottman is a marriage counselor who took a different approach and started to collect rigorous scientific evidence on over 650 couples, tracking the fate of their marriages for up to fourteen years. The results of his work are startling.
He uncovered a number of relationship myths, including the one about communication. He found that happy marriages were never perfect unions. These satisfied couples often had differences in temperament, interests, and family values. They argued over money, kids, and housekeeping, just like unhappy couples did. They had problems and faced issues. However, all these satisfied couples also practiced seven principles, even if they didn’t know it, which helped them navigate their way through all the difficulties and keep their marriages happy and stable.
And it’s not just opinion. The success rate for the type of marital therapy based on his research is 80%. He knows what makes marriages work and has written it up in a fabulous book called The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work.
Every marriage is vulnerable to failure. It takes work to enjoy a satisfying relationship with a spouse. But it’s so much easier to improve and maintain a relationship when you’re working on the things that actually make a difference. If you want to improve your marriage, give Gottman’s book a read.
September 3, 2008
My favorite quote in the whole book: “Working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club” (p. 261).
Overall, one of the better books I've seen on fostering a happy marriage. A very useful read for any couple seeking to improve their conflict resolution skills or just strengthen their relationship. Gottman's principles are supported by some of the best research anywhere on marital relations, although he's obviously very proud of his research (e.g., frequent statements like "I don't have to guess anymore about why some couples stay so happily married. I know why.")
Some of the highlights:
* Distinction between perpetual and solvable problems in marriages; most problems fall in the "perpetual" (unresolvable) category and are often a rehashing of some fundamental personal and marital issues that need to be carefully addressed.
* Happily married couples can have significant disagreements and arguments; it's the way these arguments are conducted (maintaining respect, avoiding criticism, being willing to be influenced by your spouse) that matters. In other words, it's not that couples with strong marriages don't argue or disagree, it's that they do so in a spirit of respect and quick reconciliation. A strong foundation of real friendship in marriage makes this possible.
* You can't save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively; being an empathetic communicator helps, but it's not the most critical thing in resolving conflicts.
* The "Four Horsemen" of significant marital problems: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (very common tactic in men).
This book would be one of my first recommendations for couples seeking to improve their relationship.
Overall, one of the better books I've seen on fostering a happy marriage. A very useful read for any couple seeking to improve their conflict resolution skills or just strengthen their relationship. Gottman's principles are supported by some of the best research anywhere on marital relations, although he's obviously very proud of his research (e.g., frequent statements like "I don't have to guess anymore about why some couples stay so happily married. I know why.")
Some of the highlights:
* Distinction between perpetual and solvable problems in marriages; most problems fall in the "perpetual" (unresolvable) category and are often a rehashing of some fundamental personal and marital issues that need to be carefully addressed.
* Happily married couples can have significant disagreements and arguments; it's the way these arguments are conducted (maintaining respect, avoiding criticism, being willing to be influenced by your spouse) that matters. In other words, it's not that couples with strong marriages don't argue or disagree, it's that they do so in a spirit of respect and quick reconciliation. A strong foundation of real friendship in marriage makes this possible.
* You can't save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively; being an empathetic communicator helps, but it's not the most critical thing in resolving conflicts.
* The "Four Horsemen" of significant marital problems: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (very common tactic in men).
This book would be one of my first recommendations for couples seeking to improve their relationship.
March 14, 2009
Why is it considered normal to consult a manual and put work into maintaining a car, but not a relationship?
This book can be pretty cheesey a lot of the time, but it contains lots of exercises, is easy to read, and is based on principles and evidence that is highly regarded in the field (which surprised me).
From his experimental "love lab", Gottman observed tons of couples that worked and didn't. His findings inform the book. Some nuggets:
- most arguments cannot be resolved
- biggest predictors of divorce are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, failure of repair attempts, and stonewalling.
- an affair is a sign, not a cause, of marital problems
- having the first baby decreases marital satisfaction most times!
- foster admiration and fondness of each other
- men don't allow in women's influence enough
- solve your solvable problems, such as: stress, inlaws (be a husband first, son second), money, sex (person with least interest should have most control), housework, and becoming parents ("A child is a grenade").
- overcome "gridlock" on unsolvable conflicts, basically trying to cope as best you can
- create shared meaning
This book can be pretty cheesey a lot of the time, but it contains lots of exercises, is easy to read, and is based on principles and evidence that is highly regarded in the field (which surprised me).
From his experimental "love lab", Gottman observed tons of couples that worked and didn't. His findings inform the book. Some nuggets:
- most arguments cannot be resolved
- biggest predictors of divorce are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, failure of repair attempts, and stonewalling.
- an affair is a sign, not a cause, of marital problems
- having the first baby decreases marital satisfaction most times!
- foster admiration and fondness of each other
- men don't allow in women's influence enough
- solve your solvable problems, such as: stress, inlaws (be a husband first, son second), money, sex (person with least interest should have most control), housework, and becoming parents ("A child is a grenade").
- overcome "gridlock" on unsolvable conflicts, basically trying to cope as best you can
- create shared meaning
March 12, 2010
I probably should rank this book higher. I think the principles are sound and obviously well researched. I imagine that everything he says in here is true. It's just not the kind of marriage book that inspires me. It is too much of "do this and don't do this" rather than providing inspiration and perspective on marriage. For example one chapter talks about chores that he does/she does and contains a list of chores that you can go through with your spouse to determine what is fair. Stuff like that really ends up making me far more stressed about the issue than I was before. Some of the exercises look like fun and/or helpful and I do think this book could really be good if a couple sat down and did it together. I like the part where he talks about how happily married couples don't necessarily have to "solve" every problem and that clear communication (i.e. using "I" statements) is not necessarily the key to marital bliss. There were some good parts... it just really wasn't my cup o' tea.
April 12, 2013
I started out loving this, despite the fact that Gottman's ego is ginormous. When he suggests couples bond by gossiping about other people, it goes downhill fast. I only got about half way through CD 3 before calling it quits. (on his book, not my marriage)
January 15, 2019
Hands down the best most practical marriage advice book I've ever read. I will be reading it again and giving it away. I've read Gottman's work before, but this book is essential to anyone whose marriage isn't perfect.
August 17, 2023
I have no idea why I read this book. I heard that Gottman was really well-acclaimed in his field, and figured there might be some hidden gem that could benefit my relationships, romantic or otherwise. In fact, I was ready to give it a 2 or a 3 after finishing it. It's not particularly well written and falls into self-help book tropes that drive me insane (see the drinking game below), but I felt like there were nuggets of information I felt compelling. Gottman proposes a framework of arguments in which there are types of detrimental behavior (i.e. criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) and types of beneficial behavior (i.e. repair attempts, or efforts from one partner to de-escalate an argument). He also proposes the concept of “flooding”, in which negativity in an argument results in one or both of the partners going into emotion override, leading to fight-escalation or stonewalling. The model sounded reasonable to me, and forced me to recognize some of my harmful fighting tendencies. Also, I found Gottman's inability to navigate the political atmosphere of 2015 hilarious (My favorite quote in the book was: "Maybe all of this sounds like a feminist line, but it's also the reality.").
This was all before I found out that Gottman’s model of marriage was almost entirely debunked.
His claims of rigor were at best replication crisis vulnerable and at worst complete lies. The most egregious claim was that he's been "predicting divorce with 91 percent accuracy” with his data. Turns out, he doesn’t “predict” it, he “postdicts” it. In other words, he applies his model on the original sample of couples he derived his model from. Unfortunately, the validity of his framework rests pretty heavily on this statistic. This is not to mention that when a Wikipedia user (rather gently) points out the disingenuity of the “prediction” language, an individual from the Gottman institute got it taken down.
There are still pieces of information that I found interesting and novel that remain accurate (data on traditional marriage therapy success, some details on sex-based physiology in arguments, etc. etc.), so I was conflicted about assigning such a low rating. There are also external studies that show that his therapeutic method — built off of his model of good/bad relationships — are more effective than marriage therapy and controls. Even more than the actual content, it encouraged me to think more deeply about my argumentative style/ the health of my relationships. But out of my dignity as a fledgling researcher, I can't bear to give this book more than a 1. The level of statistical shenanigans and academic dishonesty, especially in a public-facing book that proclaims itself as more rigorous than its peers, is unforgivable.
If you, too, make the mistake of reading this book, I have an I-assume-no-liability-for-you-passing-out drinking game that might make it more fun:
1. Every time Gottman says he conducted "extensive research".
2. Every time Gottman names a truly normal phenomenon with a Fancy Psychological Term.
3. Every time Gottman lists a statistic about how effective the Gottman method is.
4. Every time Gottman uses weird evolutionary anthropology explanations.
5. Every time Gottman tells you he changed his mind about marriage after seeing his own data.
6. Every time Gottman forgets that queer couples exist.
This was all before I found out that Gottman’s model of marriage was almost entirely debunked.
His claims of rigor were at best replication crisis vulnerable and at worst complete lies. The most egregious claim was that he's been "predicting divorce with 91 percent accuracy” with his data. Turns out, he doesn’t “predict” it, he “postdicts” it. In other words, he applies his model on the original sample of couples he derived his model from. Unfortunately, the validity of his framework rests pretty heavily on this statistic. This is not to mention that when a Wikipedia user (rather gently) points out the disingenuity of the “prediction” language, an individual from the Gottman institute got it taken down.
There are still pieces of information that I found interesting and novel that remain accurate (data on traditional marriage therapy success, some details on sex-based physiology in arguments, etc. etc.), so I was conflicted about assigning such a low rating. There are also external studies that show that his therapeutic method — built off of his model of good/bad relationships — are more effective than marriage therapy and controls. Even more than the actual content, it encouraged me to think more deeply about my argumentative style/ the health of my relationships. But out of my dignity as a fledgling researcher, I can't bear to give this book more than a 1. The level of statistical shenanigans and academic dishonesty, especially in a public-facing book that proclaims itself as more rigorous than its peers, is unforgivable.
If you, too, make the mistake of reading this book, I have an I-assume-no-liability-for-you-passing-out drinking game that might make it more fun:
1. Every time Gottman says he conducted "extensive research".
2. Every time Gottman names a truly normal phenomenon with a Fancy Psychological Term.
3. Every time Gottman lists a statistic about how effective the Gottman method is.
4. Every time Gottman uses weird evolutionary anthropology explanations.
5. Every time Gottman tells you he changed his mind about marriage after seeing his own data.
6. Every time Gottman forgets that queer couples exist.
May 14, 2024
This book is mostly for those who are not too happy in their marriage, but do not yet utterly hate each other either. It starts by explaining how hurtful divorce is, to convince you to give your marriage another chance; if you're looking for ways to enhance a good steady relationship, this is probably not for you.
I started listening to it because I was—you guessed it—not too happy in my marriage, but I promptly realized, from the many examples in the book, what terrible jerks many people have for husbands, and decided my case was not that bad, after all.
I did my best to apply some of the advice from the book, and I think it did help to improve my marriage situation, but, you see, it helped because I changed my attitude in some ways. I did make my husband read one particular chapter and we discussed it, but I am yet to see whether this was helpful or not. What I'm trying to say is... I suspect it only works if you're the biggest jerk of the couple and yet are ready to improve,—and I also suspect this is not the most common case. So if your marriage situation is not good, but you don't think it's mostly your fault, don't get your hopes too high.
And I must say that I still found some of the advice ridiculous. Like this active listening technique that many people believe is supposed to make us feel heard and understood. E.g.:
'I am so tired!'
Somehow, to some experts, it seems like a good idea to reply:
'You're very tired!', or 'Aren't you exhausted!' or something like that. My natural reaction to that is,
'Yes, I am tired, this is what I have just said! Why are you repeating my words?!'
I find this very aggravating, even if I don't think that the person in question is using the active listening technique on me, which I sometimes do.
And 'Poor baby!'. I hate it when my husband says 'Poor baby' to me, I am not poor and I am not a baby, and this doesn't help at all,—how is this considered a good thing to say to somebody who's upset?
But really, a lot of the advice is sound. Practice positive reinforcement instead of critique, i.e., always praise your spouse for doing the things you like—I know this works with dogs! Concentrate on the good points of your partner instead of the other points,—these are things I tried to change about my own ways. And this is something I think I'm already good at, but this is also sound advice: in a conflict between your spouse and your parents, choose your spouse, because this is where your family is now.
Marriage is not always easy, and this book does not have easy answers to difficult problems, but it is sound enough and helpful enough, and definitely not the worst self-help that I've read.
And if you're struggling with something in your marriage, I wish you the best of luck, and that it will be all right in the end.
I started listening to it because I was—you guessed it—not too happy in my marriage, but I promptly realized, from the many examples in the book, what terrible jerks many people have for husbands, and decided my case was not that bad, after all.
I did my best to apply some of the advice from the book, and I think it did help to improve my marriage situation, but, you see, it helped because I changed my attitude in some ways. I did make my husband read one particular chapter and we discussed it, but I am yet to see whether this was helpful or not. What I'm trying to say is... I suspect it only works if you're the biggest jerk of the couple and yet are ready to improve,—and I also suspect this is not the most common case. So if your marriage situation is not good, but you don't think it's mostly your fault, don't get your hopes too high.
And I must say that I still found some of the advice ridiculous. Like this active listening technique that many people believe is supposed to make us feel heard and understood. E.g.:
'I am so tired!'
Somehow, to some experts, it seems like a good idea to reply:
'You're very tired!', or 'Aren't you exhausted!' or something like that. My natural reaction to that is,
'Yes, I am tired, this is what I have just said! Why are you repeating my words?!'
I find this very aggravating, even if I don't think that the person in question is using the active listening technique on me, which I sometimes do.
And 'Poor baby!'. I hate it when my husband says 'Poor baby' to me, I am not poor and I am not a baby, and this doesn't help at all,—how is this considered a good thing to say to somebody who's upset?
But really, a lot of the advice is sound. Practice positive reinforcement instead of critique, i.e., always praise your spouse for doing the things you like—I know this works with dogs! Concentrate on the good points of your partner instead of the other points,—these are things I tried to change about my own ways. And this is something I think I'm already good at, but this is also sound advice: in a conflict between your spouse and your parents, choose your spouse, because this is where your family is now.
Marriage is not always easy, and this book does not have easy answers to difficult problems, but it is sound enough and helpful enough, and definitely not the worst self-help that I've read.
And if you're struggling with something in your marriage, I wish you the best of luck, and that it will be all right in the end.
October 29, 2011
Although part of me thinks I shouldn't read so many books about marriage before I'm married (it can be depressing to sift through all the potential problems that are being addressed in these self-help books), I'm also drawn to them because it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the reality of marriage, and I've always been someone for whom research has provided much reassurance and comfort. So, although I might be putting the cart before the horse, I really like to get things right!
As far as self-help/relationship books go, this is of the caliber that I like best -- based on years of sound research with a proven track record. John Gottman is referenced in nearly every relationship book out there, and with good reason. Within a few minutes, he can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay married or not, and he uses the results of all his research to clue couples in on the groundwork they need to lay to avoid such a fate (and how to turn things around if the dangerous "warning signs" do pop up). While some of it seems like common sense, some of it is surprising: such as the finding that some VERY common relationship advice (such as the importance of active listening, needing to share common interests, etc.) doesn't actually have the track record to back it up.
I listened to the audio version of this, and it doesn't translate particularly well to audio. There are a lot of exercises and such in it that you're supposed to stop and do, but the whole point of an audio book is that you can listen to it *while* you're busy with other things (dishes, driving, etc.) So I didn't do any of the exercises, and I spaced out during some of them, but when I did listen, it at least gave me some insight into aspects of myself or my relationship that I might not have looked at in such particular terms otherwise. At any rate, if you're looking for research or advice on marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend Gottman, and I hope to continue learning from his work.
As far as self-help/relationship books go, this is of the caliber that I like best -- based on years of sound research with a proven track record. John Gottman is referenced in nearly every relationship book out there, and with good reason. Within a few minutes, he can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay married or not, and he uses the results of all his research to clue couples in on the groundwork they need to lay to avoid such a fate (and how to turn things around if the dangerous "warning signs" do pop up). While some of it seems like common sense, some of it is surprising: such as the finding that some VERY common relationship advice (such as the importance of active listening, needing to share common interests, etc.) doesn't actually have the track record to back it up.
I listened to the audio version of this, and it doesn't translate particularly well to audio. There are a lot of exercises and such in it that you're supposed to stop and do, but the whole point of an audio book is that you can listen to it *while* you're busy with other things (dishes, driving, etc.) So I didn't do any of the exercises, and I spaced out during some of them, but when I did listen, it at least gave me some insight into aspects of myself or my relationship that I might not have looked at in such particular terms otherwise. At any rate, if you're looking for research or advice on marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend Gottman, and I hope to continue learning from his work.
September 8, 2023
ليس هناك اجمل ماقرات من الدكتور عبدالوهاب المسيري يقول
إعادة الزواج من الزوجة نفسها !
( من خلال تأملاتي في تجاربي وتجارب الآخرين أصبح عندي رؤية ومفهوم للزواج، فكنت دائما أخبر نفسي وغيري أن السعادة لا تهبط هكذا من السماء، وإنما هي مثل العمل الفني، لابد أن يكد المرء ويتعب في صياغته وصنعه، والزواج مثل العمل الفني أيضا، ومثل أي شيء إنساني مركب، يحتوي على إمكانيات سلبية وإيجابية، ولا يمكن فصل الواحد عن الآخر. وكثيرا ما كنت أخبر طالباتي بأن الحب الحقيقي هو أن يقبل الواحد الآخر ويعرف أن محاسنه مرتبطة تمام الارتباط بمثالبه.
كما طوّرت مفهوم "إعادة الزواج من نفس الزوجة" ، إذ تتغير الظروف والأوضاع وتتغير الشخصية والتوقعات فيُعاد النظر في أسس العلاقة ويُعاد تشكيلها بما يتفق مع الرؤية الجديدة، وأزعم أنني تزوجت من زوجتي ثلاث مرات، المرة الأولى التقليدية، والثانية بعد حصولي على الدكتوراه، والثالثة بعد حصولها هي على الدكتوراه، ولعل مفهوم "إعادة الزواج من نفس الزوجة" قد يحلّ بعض المشكلات التي يقابلها الناس في زيجاتهم، إذ يَتَصوّرُ كلُّ طرف في العلاقة الزوجية أنّ الآخر نمط محدّد لا يتغيّر، ومن ثَمَّ فالتوقعات والأحزان والأفراح لا تتغيّر، وهو تصوّر غير إنساني، فثمة قدر من الثبات، ولكنّ ثمة قدرًا من التغيّر أيضا، ولابدّ أن يأخذ الإنسان كل شيء في الحُسبان ) .
[رحلتي الفكرية : د. عبد الوهاب المسيري: 90]
اما رايي انا الشخصي بناء علي طلب حضراتكم
يقدم كتاب جون جوتمان السبعة مبادئ لإنجاح الزواج بالتفصيل الطرق التي يمكن من خلالها أن يتمتع الشخص بزواج صحي وبالتالي تنطبق المبادئ أيضًا بشكل عام على العلاقات الرومانسية بشكل عام وربما حتى الصداقات فقط. سأضع هذه المبادئ في كلماتي الخاصة لجعلها أكثر وضوحًا؛ يمكنك قراءة الكتاب إذا كنت تريد كلماته.
المبدأ الأول هو زيادة معرفتك ببعضها البعض. يجب أن تكون قادرًا على معرفة، على سبيل المثال، من الذي لا يحبه شريكك في العمل. يجب عليك أيضًا أن تعرف فلسفته في الحياة. وما هي أعمق أحلامها. إلخ.
المبدأ الثاني هو تعزيز ولعكم وإعجابكم ببعضكم البعض. يتضمن ذلك النظر أولاً إلى شريكك الذي يستحق الكرامة والاحترام. في كثير من الأحيان، في العلاقة، يمكنك أن تتوقف عن التفكير في عدم إعجابك بعادات شريكك أو عدم إعجابك ببعض هذه الاختلافات الأساسية في المواقف التي يتخذها منك. من خلال التركيز مرة أخرى على الخصائص الإيجابية لشريكك، فإن تذكير نفسك بسبب إعجابك أو حبك لهذا الشخص في المقام الأول، سيساعدك على إعادة تركيز علاقتك.
المبدأ الثالث هو التوجه إلى شريكك للتواصل بشأن أمور الحياة الدنيوية. إذا لم تكن قد بدأت أو نسيت كيف تستمتع بالتحدث مع شريكك عن أنشطتك اليومية أو أنشطته اليومية، فسيكون من الجيد إعادة إشعال تلك النار، لتتمكن فقط من التحدث عن العمل والمشاكل وما إلى ذلك. لقد كنت تفكر مؤخرًا في ما رأيته في ذلك اليوم، وما إلى ذلك. يكتب جوتمان أنك تعتز كل يوم بهذا الوقت وتتصرف بشكل مشجع تجاه شريكك في هذا الوقت، فهو يشبه وضع المال في البنك العاطفي، وهو ما يساعد حقًا عندما يحين الوقت. قاسٍ.
المبدأ الرابع هو السماح لشريكك بالتأثير عليك. نظرًا لأن العلاقة عبارة عن أخذ وعطاء، وبما أنه سيكون من المستحيل رياضيًا أن تكون على صواب طوال الوقت، فكن على استعداد للسماح لقرار شريكك بالتأثير على ما تفكر فيه أو تصرفاتك أو أي شيء آخر. إن السماح بهذا الأخذ والعطاء وعدم العناد يقطع شوطا طويلا.
المبدأ الخامس هو حل مشاكلك القابلة للحل. بعض المشكلات، مثلاً ربما 30%، من المشكلات التي تواجهك هي مشكلات قابلة للحل. وذلك لأنها في الأساس مشاكل ظرفية. إذا بدأتم في إجراء تغييرات في جدولكم الزمني فيما يتعلق ببعضكم البعض، أو بطرق بسيطة للقيام بالأشياء، فسوف تكونون قادرين على التعامل مع بعضكم البعض بسهولة أكبر.
المبدأ السادس هو "التغلب على الجمود". من المحتمل أن حوالي 70% من المشاكل التي يواجهها الزوجان معًا هي مسألة اختلافات جوهرية عميقة بينكما. لا بأس أن يكون هناك اختلافات. على سبيل المثال، ربما تكون شخصًا مهتمًا دائمًا بتوفير المال وشريكك مهتمًا دائمًا بقضاء وقت ممتع (مما يعني أحيانًا أن إنفاق المال لن يكون أمرًا مهمًا بالنسبة له أو لها). لن تتمكنوا من تغيير بعضكم البعض بشأن هذه القضايا الأساسية العميقة، لذا فإن الأمر يتطلب حلاً وسطاً؛ هذا هو "التغلب على الجمود". يمكنك البدء في تقديم تنازلات فيما يتعلق بهذا الأمر، على سبيل المثال، من خلال وضع ميزانية معًا ثم السماح لبعضكما البعض بالإنفاق بحرية في حدود تلك الميزانية. (ربما لا يكون هذا أفضل مثال، لكنه أفضل ما يمكنني فعله في الوقت الحالي). الشيء المهم هو أن تعمل على التوصل إلى حل وسط وتجاوز هذه الخلافات.
المبدأ السابع هو خلق "المعنى المشترك". قد لا يبدو هذا محددًا للغاية، ولكن ما يعنيه جوتمان هو أنك تخلق ثقافة يعيش فيها كل منكما، وإذا كان لديك أطفال ضمن العدد الثالث أو الرابع أو الخامس من العدد الذي تعيش فيه. أنت تخلق طقوسًا لنفسك، وتحتفل بالعطلات الخاصة، وتحترم بعض طقوس العبور، وتنشئ واجبات والتزامات وممارسات لنفسك داخل وحدة عائلتك. هذه هي الأشياء الحقيقية العميقة التي يمكن للمرء أن يسميها روحية.
يوفر جوتمان الكثير من الأنشطة والتمارين طوال الطريق، وألعاب صغيرة يمكنك لعبها مع شريك حياتك أو مع أزواج آخرين لتحسين وزيادة قوة علاقتكما.
او راي الفنان الكبير محمود عبد العزيز
الجواز وسنينه…
اللي بيتجوز بدري دا يا يوسف بيبقى عامل زي اللي إتعشا بدري..
فغصب عنه لازم يجوع في نص الليل.
واللي بيتجوز متأخر بيبقى عامل زي اللي رجع بيته متأخر..
فبياكل أي حاجه والسلام.
_ والعمل يا بابا؟!
= نام خفيف يا يوسف.
▪️"الكيت كات" ١٩٩١
إعادة الزواج من الزوجة نفسها !
( من خلال تأملاتي في تجاربي وتجارب الآخرين أصبح عندي رؤية ومفهوم للزواج، فكنت دائما أخبر نفسي وغيري أن السعادة لا تهبط هكذا من السماء، وإنما هي مثل العمل الفني، لابد أن يكد المرء ويتعب في صياغته وصنعه، والزواج مثل العمل الفني أيضا، ومثل أي شيء إنساني مركب، يحتوي على إمكانيات سلبية وإيجابية، ولا يمكن فصل الواحد عن الآخر. وكثيرا ما كنت أخبر طالباتي بأن الحب الحقيقي هو أن يقبل الواحد الآخر ويعرف أن محاسنه مرتبطة تمام الارتباط بمثالبه.
كما طوّرت مفهوم "إعادة الزواج من نفس الزوجة" ، إذ تتغير الظروف والأوضاع وتتغير الشخصية والتوقعات فيُعاد النظر في أسس العلاقة ويُعاد تشكيلها بما يتفق مع الرؤية الجديدة، وأزعم أنني تزوجت من زوجتي ثلاث مرات، المرة الأولى التقليدية، والثانية بعد حصولي على الدكتوراه، والثالثة بعد حصولها هي على الدكتوراه، ولعل مفهوم "إعادة الزواج من نفس الزوجة" قد يحلّ بعض المشكلات التي يقابلها الناس في زيجاتهم، إذ يَتَصوّرُ كلُّ طرف في العلاقة الزوجية أنّ الآخر نمط محدّد لا يتغيّر، ومن ثَمَّ فالتوقعات والأحزان والأفراح لا تتغيّر، وهو تصوّر غير إنساني، فثمة قدر من الثبات، ولكنّ ثمة قدرًا من التغيّر أيضا، ولابدّ أن يأخذ الإنسان كل شيء في الحُسبان ) .
[رحلتي الفكرية : د. عبد الوهاب المسيري: 90]
اما رايي انا الشخصي بناء علي طلب حضراتكم
يقدم كتاب جون جوتمان السبعة مبادئ لإنجاح الزواج بالتفصيل الطرق التي يمكن من خلالها أن يتمتع الشخص بزواج صحي وبالتالي تنطبق المبادئ أيضًا بشكل عام على العلاقات الرومانسية بشكل عام وربما حتى الصداقات فقط. سأضع هذه المبادئ في كلماتي الخاصة لجعلها أكثر وضوحًا؛ يمكنك قراءة الكتاب إذا كنت تريد كلماته.
المبدأ الأول هو زيادة معرفتك ببعضها البعض. يجب أن تكون قادرًا على معرفة، على سبيل المثال، من الذي لا يحبه شريكك في العمل. يجب عليك أيضًا أن تعرف فلسفته في الحياة. وما هي أعمق أحلامها. إلخ.
المبدأ الثاني هو تعزيز ولعكم وإعجابكم ببعضكم البعض. يتضمن ذلك النظر أولاً إلى شريكك الذي يستحق الكرامة والاحترام. في كثير من الأحيان، في العلاقة، يمكنك أن تتوقف عن التفكير في عدم إعجابك بعادات شريكك أو عدم إعجابك ببعض هذه الاختلافات الأساسية في المواقف التي يتخذها منك. من خلال التركيز مرة أخرى على الخصائص الإيجابية لشريكك، فإن تذكير نفسك بسبب إعجابك أو حبك لهذا الشخص في المقام الأول، سيساعدك على إعادة تركيز علاقتك.
المبدأ الثالث هو التوجه إلى شريكك للتواصل بشأن أمور الحياة الدنيوية. إذا لم تكن قد بدأت أو نسيت كيف تستمتع بالتحدث مع شريكك عن أنشطتك اليومية أو أنشطته اليومية، فسيكون من الجيد إعادة إشعال تلك النار، لتتمكن فقط من التحدث عن العمل والمشاكل وما إلى ذلك. لقد كنت تفكر مؤخرًا في ما رأيته في ذلك اليوم، وما إلى ذلك. يكتب جوتمان أنك تعتز كل يوم بهذا الوقت وتتصرف بشكل مشجع تجاه شريكك في هذا الوقت، فهو يشبه وضع المال في البنك العاطفي، وهو ما يساعد حقًا عندما يحين الوقت. قاسٍ.
المبدأ الرابع هو السماح لشريكك بالتأثير عليك. نظرًا لأن العلاقة عبارة عن أخذ وعطاء، وبما أنه سيكون من المستحيل رياضيًا أن تكون على صواب طوال الوقت، فكن على استعداد للسماح لقرار شريكك بالتأثير على ما تفكر فيه أو تصرفاتك أو أي شيء آخر. إن السماح بهذا الأخذ والعطاء وعدم العناد يقطع شوطا طويلا.
المبدأ الخامس هو حل مشاكلك القابلة للحل. بعض المشكلات، مثلاً ربما 30%، من المشكلات التي تواجهك هي مشكلات قابلة للحل. وذلك لأنها في الأساس مشاكل ظرفية. إذا بدأتم في إجراء تغييرات في جدولكم الزمني فيما يتعلق ببعضكم البعض، أو بطرق بسيطة للقيام بالأشياء، فسوف تكونون قادرين على التعامل مع بعضكم البعض بسهولة أكبر.
المبدأ السادس هو "التغلب على الجمود". من المحتمل أن حوالي 70% من المشاكل التي يواجهها الزوجان معًا هي مسألة اختلافات جوهرية عميقة بينكما. لا بأس أن يكون هناك اختلافات. على سبيل المثال، ربما تكون شخصًا مهتمًا دائمًا بتوفير المال وشريكك مهتمًا دائمًا بقضاء وقت ممتع (مما يعني أحيانًا أن إنفاق المال لن يكون أمرًا مهمًا بالنسبة له أو لها). لن تتمكنوا من تغيير بعضكم البعض بشأن هذه القضايا الأساسية العميقة، لذا فإن الأمر يتطلب حلاً وسطاً؛ هذا هو "التغلب على الجمود". يمكنك البدء في تقديم تنازلات فيما يتعلق بهذا الأمر، على سبيل المثال، من خلال وضع ميزانية معًا ثم السماح لبعضكما البعض بالإنفاق بحرية في حدود تلك الميزانية. (ربما لا يكون هذا أفضل مثال، لكنه أفضل ما يمكنني فعله في الوقت الحالي). الشيء المهم هو أن تعمل على التوصل إلى حل وسط وتجاوز هذه الخلافات.
المبدأ السابع هو خلق "المعنى المشترك". قد لا يبدو هذا محددًا للغاية، ولكن ما يعنيه جوتمان هو أنك تخلق ثقافة يعيش فيها كل منكما، وإذا كان لديك أطفال ضمن العدد الثالث أو الرابع أو الخامس من العدد الذي تعيش فيه. أنت تخلق طقوسًا لنفسك، وتحتفل بالعطلات الخاصة، وتحترم بعض طقوس العبور، وتنشئ واجبات والتزامات وممارسات لنفسك داخل وحدة عائلتك. هذه هي الأشياء الحقيقية العميقة التي يمكن للمرء أن يسميها روحية.
يوفر جوتمان الكثير من الأنشطة والتمارين طوال الطريق، وألعاب صغيرة يمكنك لعبها مع شريك حياتك أو مع أزواج آخرين لتحسين وزيادة قوة علاقتكما.
او راي الفنان الكبير محمود عبد العزيز
الجواز وسنينه…
اللي بيتجوز بدري دا يا يوسف بيبقى عامل زي اللي إتعشا بدري..
فغصب عنه لازم يجوع في نص الليل.
واللي بيتجوز متأخر بيبقى عامل زي اللي رجع بيته متأخر..
فبياكل أي حاجه والسلام.
_ والعمل يا بابا؟!
= نام خفيف يا يوسف.
▪️"الكيت كات" ١٩٩١
March 29, 2023
Lots of good discussion questions in here to work through with a partner. But a few of the chapters are a too much, "Men are horrible and need to fix themselves."
January 6, 2023
Before we begin, I just want to say: my marriage is not in trouble!! While I did complain about my husband on Instagram stories this week (he left a Triscuit box open so they all went stale and I found out as I went to pack my lunch), he is a sweet little lambchop despite the fact that he still leaves peanut butter on the kitchen sponge and doesn't know how to cook besides burgers and noodles.
Personally I think every couple should work proactively to always reflect on and improve their relationship. Especially when you both get busy and you're kind of in a routine of life, it's easy to be complacent. And I learn best from books. Even if I don't 100% resonate with a book, I can usually gain perspective and context from pieces of it.
This book goes through the author's experience with many, many couples who took part in his marital studies over years and years. The examples and activities were all great, but what I gained the most from was learning about communication and realizing all the things I did that were wrong, wrong, WRONG.
For example:
A "harsh startup" is when a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. Research shows if you begin with a harsh startup, it will end on a negative note even if there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. A harsh startup dooms your discussion to failure. And yes, I have started many a discussion - er, argument - like this.
There are four types of negativity that are lethal to relationships, and I exhibit 3 of the 4 (my husband exhibits the other 1). The book nicknames these the "four horsemen of the apocalypse". They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It was eye opening to read exactly how and why these cause conversations and communications to fail, and how they can bring down the relationship as a whole - especially over time.
"Repair attempts" are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put the brakes on so flooding (a response to being so overwhelmed by your spouse that you're shell shocked and exhibit physical stress) is prevented. This can be by saying you need a time out from the conversation/argument, or trying to deescalate with a joke or loving gesture. The more contemptuous a couple is with each other, the less likely a repair attempt will work. This is something I immediately resonated with, because I'm someone who wants to calm down if we're having an argument - otherwise I'll just get more and more angry. My husband wants things resolved right then, otherwise he can't focus on anything else. But there's a scientific reason to use repair attempts! 20 minutes is the time it takes for your body to physically calm down.
These are just three examples of big concepts that were able to be boiled down into things that felt manageable. I also loved all the work on discussing solvable vs perpetual problems, and how to respond to each. This is a great book on respect and communication that anyone who's in a partnership can learn from.
Personally I think every couple should work proactively to always reflect on and improve their relationship. Especially when you both get busy and you're kind of in a routine of life, it's easy to be complacent. And I learn best from books. Even if I don't 100% resonate with a book, I can usually gain perspective and context from pieces of it.
This book goes through the author's experience with many, many couples who took part in his marital studies over years and years. The examples and activities were all great, but what I gained the most from was learning about communication and realizing all the things I did that were wrong, wrong, WRONG.
For example:
A "harsh startup" is when a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. Research shows if you begin with a harsh startup, it will end on a negative note even if there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. A harsh startup dooms your discussion to failure. And yes, I have started many a discussion - er, argument - like this.
There are four types of negativity that are lethal to relationships, and I exhibit 3 of the 4 (my husband exhibits the other 1). The book nicknames these the "four horsemen of the apocalypse". They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It was eye opening to read exactly how and why these cause conversations and communications to fail, and how they can bring down the relationship as a whole - especially over time.
"Repair attempts" are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put the brakes on so flooding (a response to being so overwhelmed by your spouse that you're shell shocked and exhibit physical stress) is prevented. This can be by saying you need a time out from the conversation/argument, or trying to deescalate with a joke or loving gesture. The more contemptuous a couple is with each other, the less likely a repair attempt will work. This is something I immediately resonated with, because I'm someone who wants to calm down if we're having an argument - otherwise I'll just get more and more angry. My husband wants things resolved right then, otherwise he can't focus on anything else. But there's a scientific reason to use repair attempts! 20 minutes is the time it takes for your body to physically calm down.
These are just three examples of big concepts that were able to be boiled down into things that felt manageable. I also loved all the work on discussing solvable vs perpetual problems, and how to respond to each. This is a great book on respect and communication that anyone who's in a partnership can learn from.
September 16, 2008
Dr. John Gottman became famous for his work in Seattle's "Love Lab," a research apartment wired with cameras he used to observe how volunteer couples communicated with one another. Through his observations, Gottman discovered patterns of communication that correlate with lasting relationships.
Among Gottman’s observations was that the frequency of a couple’s fights had less to do with relationship success than other factors including whether or not they had compatible styles of dealing with conflict, whether the partners engaged in certain destructive communication behaviors Gottman labeled "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," and how successful partners were in responding to what he calls breakdown "repair attempts."
It’s been a while since I read this book, but I recall it as having a lot of useful, down-to-earth information for improving communication in intimate relationships.
Among Gottman’s observations was that the frequency of a couple’s fights had less to do with relationship success than other factors including whether or not they had compatible styles of dealing with conflict, whether the partners engaged in certain destructive communication behaviors Gottman labeled "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," and how successful partners were in responding to what he calls breakdown "repair attempts."
It’s been a while since I read this book, but I recall it as having a lot of useful, down-to-earth information for improving communication in intimate relationships.
June 3, 2023
SEXIST AF. (Paraphrasing) “Some little girls want to play as surgeons instead of nurses, so I guess some things have changed???!!!” As a mum of a male and female child hear me when I say his description of the way children play IS JUST WRONG. He doesn’t cite his sources on childhood play. They come from his assumptions. And in making these gender assumptions he does a disservice to those seeking his advice. Not to mention the fact there are MORE THAN TWO GENDERS. Plus every time he talks about sex or “sexuality” ewww I feel VIOLATED. The excercises are useful and I will do them with my spouse and his theories are certainly sound when they are based on research, but his OPINION that the social differences between men and women (I quote) “ARE BIOLOGICAL” is not based on any data or research. I know that, because it’s wrong. All genders are socialised. Welcome to the 21st Century.
September 7, 2024
"ينبغي للزواج أن يكون الميناء التي نلجأ إليها في العواصف، لا أن يكون عاصفةً أخرى" - د. جون جوتمان
حتى كتابة مراجعة أكثر تفصيلاً، هذه المبادئ السبعة لابد أن يحيط بها كل مقبل على الزواج أو كل متزوج يسعى لإنقاذ زواجه أو جعله أكثر سكناً. الناس بتفوت على نفسها فرصة إن الزواج يكون التجربة الأكثر ثراء وجمالاً في حياتها.
حتى كتابة مراجعة أكثر تفصيلاً، هذه المبادئ السبعة لابد أن يحيط بها كل مقبل على الزواج أو كل متزوج يسعى لإنقاذ زواجه أو جعله أكثر سكناً. الناس بتفوت على نفسها فرصة إن الزواج يكون التجربة الأكثر ثراء وجمالاً في حياتها.
July 27, 2011
الكتاب عبارة عن خلاصة لمجموعة من الأبحاث والتجارب العملية التي قام بها المؤلف على مجموعة من الأزواج المتطوعين داخل معمله الذي أطلق عليه اسم معمل الحب. ومن هذه التجارب التي سردها استخلص ٧ مبادئ لانجاح الزواج. يحتوي الكتاب على الكثير من التمارين التي يستطيع الأزواج القيام بها معا.
July 2, 2024
I'm that weird girl who's read all the marriage books on my parents' shelves. But hands down, this is the best one. Written in a hopeful, practical manner, with MANY activities and questions to spark conversation, Gottman and Silver have written a masterpiece.
September 6, 2022
Honestly this hit and made me deeply sorry I wasn’t married so I couldn’t try out all the fun exercises! Give me a long term partner to have unsolvable conflict with I wanna gooooo
June 15, 2019
2.5 stars. I thought it might be useful to read about how to keep a marriage strong, since I’ll be getting married soon. A lot of the recommended marriage prep books on Goodreads seem to have a distinctly Christian bent (which is not for us), so I picked this book up because reviewers seemed to tout it as the must-read marriage book that was religion-neutral with advice that was actually grounded in statistics and science.
The author felt the need to remark how “blessed” he was at least twice in his introduction, which gave me a little pause. The first chapters smacked a little too much of ‘only I can help you, believe me’, with a lot of telling rather than showing. Also, it’s possible that in the 1990s, one could write a successful pop-psychology book and not cite one’s (published, peer-reviewed) sources, but I don’t know if that flies today. So, there’s also no bibliography, and there’s no “recommended further reading” section (though there were a few book recommendations within the text), but there sure were a lot of claims made. Granted, some of the claims made sense and some of the exercises were useful to consider. There are lists of discussions to have and questions to ask each other. I was a little let down, but it’s possible that others may find this book helpful. 2.5 stars.
The author felt the need to remark how “blessed” he was at least twice in his introduction, which gave me a little pause. The first chapters smacked a little too much of ‘only I can help you, believe me’, with a lot of telling rather than showing. Also, it’s possible that in the 1990s, one could write a successful pop-psychology book and not cite one’s (published, peer-reviewed) sources, but I don’t know if that flies today. So, there’s also no bibliography, and there’s no “recommended further reading” section (though there were a few book recommendations within the text), but there sure were a lot of claims made. Granted, some of the claims made sense and some of the exercises were useful to consider. There are lists of discussions to have and questions to ask each other. I was a little let down, but it’s possible that others may find this book helpful. 2.5 stars.
July 1, 2016
A worthwhile read once you get past the self-marketing and the idea that his is the only and the best and groundbreaking advice available on relationships. He focuses on things that help couples stay together, based on research. His idea is that a solid friendship and healthy dose of admiration and respect will keep people together despite volatile arguments. He speaks of things that drive us apart like a "harsh start-up" and things that bring us together like repair attempts during arguments, learning to soothe each other and spending time debriefing together after each day. A useful book
June 22, 2010
I first read about Gottman's marriage research in Maclom Gladwell's Blink. Since I am interested in all things social science, I picked up this book at the library. The content is interesting and applicable, even if some/much of it feels common sense. The biggest downfall of the book is Gottman's egoistic prose. (He has been at the forefront of research in his field - and I would have believed him the first time he mentioned it.)
February 3, 2020
Aile danışmanlığı kursu için ödev olarak okudum, sıkılacağımı düşünüyordum ama gayet keyifli bir kitaptı. İlişki sorunlarına oldukça makul çözümler üretiyor, basmakalıp aile/çift terapisi yöntemlerini de bilimsel verilerle çürütüyor. Sırf 6. Adım için okunmaya değer diye düşünüyorum. Sadece alandan insanlara değil herkese yönelik olması da olumlu bir özelliği.
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