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Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship
Winner, Nautilus Gold Book Award for Relationships and Communication.
Can sex survive monogamy? Yes, once you understand how sexual emotions really work.
This award-winning, paradigm-shifting guide turns traditional sex therapy inside-out to reveal the hidden rules for great sex. Gentle, compassionate, and filled with compelling stories from Dr. Stephen Snyder’s thirty years as a sex therapist working with over 1,500 individuals and couples, Love Worth Making is essential reading for anyone hoping to keep sexual inspiration alive in a committed relationship.
Can sex survive monogamy? Yes, once you understand how sexual emotions really work.
This award-winning, paradigm-shifting guide turns traditional sex therapy inside-out to reveal the hidden rules for great sex. Gentle, compassionate, and filled with compelling stories from Dr. Stephen Snyder’s thirty years as a sex therapist working with over 1,500 individuals and couples, Love Worth Making is essential reading for anyone hoping to keep sexual inspiration alive in a committed relationship.
304 pages, Paperback
First published February 13, 2018
1449 people are currently reading
2909 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 128 reviews
June 22, 2018
Forget the title. Like “listicles”, it seems that publishers believe that every sexuality book has to market itself this way or die. This book doesn’t teach about how to have “ridiculously good sex”. It’s not actually a how-to book, it’s a how-to-understand book—which is probably a better idea. Snyder takes his many years of experience working with couples and shares some very helpful ideas. I found many gems in this book, and I can recommend it as a good read that may be instrumental for many who struggle with repetitive sexual problems in their relationship or relationships.
First, it must be noted (as the author himself states) that Snyder works mostly with cisgender, heterosexual couples, so even though there are one or two examples of queer couples in his book, it is largely a straight, cis lens. Having said this, many of his insights are intra-psychic as well as interpersonal, and as such, may be relatable across the queer-straight divide. Also of note is that Snyder is Christian, and this comes through in his quotes as well as his values. For what it’s worth, as a non-Christian I found him unpreachy, and I appreciated that the author reveals his faith early so that the reader can decide what may and may not be relevant to them. He also uses language and concepts that are relatable to many different expressions of spirituality.
Now for the gems. I found many. Snyder has been in practice a long time—over 30 years. He has learned a lot, and passes it on to his readers. He begins by talking about the sexual self as well as sexual feelings, and how to care for them. He lays out some key pieces of the psychological end of arousal. He speaks of the sexual self—an interpretation of Avodah Offit’s work--as a less-than verbal, simple (but not easy) part of ourselves. Within this insight come many:
• “If it feels like work, don’t do it. Sex should never feel like work, as you know.”
• “You don’t have to return your partner to a state of quiescence every time they get excited.”
• “It’s absolutely crucial that when you go looking for (erotic inspiration), that you first look within yourself.”
If you’re reading this and find yourself critical of these insights, or if they seem simplistic, I encourage you to read them within the context of the book, where they make more sense and are placed in a much deeper frame of reference. I can’t do the richness of Snyder’s writing and thinking justice in this brief review.
Snyder also discusses the deterioration of the Sensate Focus method to the point where it is now practiced in the opposite manner it was intended, due to decades of poor communication of the concept. He calls for a return to the original method, which made this sexologist take note to research this in greater depth.
The author sets up a lot of great models for his couples: The Two-Step, the Simmer, arousal models. He also discusses what he calls “Sex Knots”—common conundrums couples become engaged in, and offers some simple fixes to try at the book’s end.
He also has a great sense of humor. One of my favorite lines from the first chapter, “There are better ways of handling a ‘no.’ They all involve first resolving not to freak out.’” He calls a section on scent, “Of Sweaty T-Shirts and the Tops of Baby’s Heads.” It’s a fun read.
But it’s also a deep read, because in the end, Snyder is prescribing a return not to sex per se, but to erotic life. He’s prescribing mindfulness, attention, playfulness, spirit, intimacy and joy, all in the not unreasonable hope that in becoming more erotically alive, the reader can also become more sexually alive.
It’s not a “how-to” book. It’s a “why” and a “what” book. As such, it may actually live up to its title.
First, it must be noted (as the author himself states) that Snyder works mostly with cisgender, heterosexual couples, so even though there are one or two examples of queer couples in his book, it is largely a straight, cis lens. Having said this, many of his insights are intra-psychic as well as interpersonal, and as such, may be relatable across the queer-straight divide. Also of note is that Snyder is Christian, and this comes through in his quotes as well as his values. For what it’s worth, as a non-Christian I found him unpreachy, and I appreciated that the author reveals his faith early so that the reader can decide what may and may not be relevant to them. He also uses language and concepts that are relatable to many different expressions of spirituality.
Now for the gems. I found many. Snyder has been in practice a long time—over 30 years. He has learned a lot, and passes it on to his readers. He begins by talking about the sexual self as well as sexual feelings, and how to care for them. He lays out some key pieces of the psychological end of arousal. He speaks of the sexual self—an interpretation of Avodah Offit’s work--as a less-than verbal, simple (but not easy) part of ourselves. Within this insight come many:
• “If it feels like work, don’t do it. Sex should never feel like work, as you know.”
• “You don’t have to return your partner to a state of quiescence every time they get excited.”
• “It’s absolutely crucial that when you go looking for (erotic inspiration), that you first look within yourself.”
If you’re reading this and find yourself critical of these insights, or if they seem simplistic, I encourage you to read them within the context of the book, where they make more sense and are placed in a much deeper frame of reference. I can’t do the richness of Snyder’s writing and thinking justice in this brief review.
Snyder also discusses the deterioration of the Sensate Focus method to the point where it is now practiced in the opposite manner it was intended, due to decades of poor communication of the concept. He calls for a return to the original method, which made this sexologist take note to research this in greater depth.
The author sets up a lot of great models for his couples: The Two-Step, the Simmer, arousal models. He also discusses what he calls “Sex Knots”—common conundrums couples become engaged in, and offers some simple fixes to try at the book’s end.
He also has a great sense of humor. One of my favorite lines from the first chapter, “There are better ways of handling a ‘no.’ They all involve first resolving not to freak out.’” He calls a section on scent, “Of Sweaty T-Shirts and the Tops of Baby’s Heads.” It’s a fun read.
But it’s also a deep read, because in the end, Snyder is prescribing a return not to sex per se, but to erotic life. He’s prescribing mindfulness, attention, playfulness, spirit, intimacy and joy, all in the not unreasonable hope that in becoming more erotically alive, the reader can also become more sexually alive.
It’s not a “how-to” book. It’s a “why” and a “what” book. As such, it may actually live up to its title.
August 5, 2023
Real interesting, quick, and concise. Def went back & forth on if I should tell the goodreads world I read this book but figure I’ll press on in the pursuit of making topics like this less taboo or uncomfy.
June 2, 2018
I found this book to be a refreshing look at sexuality geared for long term committed couples. The book is aimed at heterosexuals, but gay and lesbian examples are provided too. It is not a how to manual, there are no plumbing diagrams or instruction to stick this in that. Rather it is a book about feelings, expectations, and attitudes.
The author successfully, in my opinion, simplifies the mysteries of sexual desire and arousal by introducing the idea of the "sexual self," basically an immature toddler who is honest but very selfish and has an extremely limited vocabulary of yes and no. Learn to manage the toddler and your sex life will be far less mysterious. Snyder proceeds to then tell us how to manage our sexual selves and it has several surprises. Don't worry about novel positions, new sex toys, getting into kink (unless that is your thing) or flying off to a bed and breakfast. Analyze your feelings, be responsible for your own pleasure, and be in the moment. I am not doing the book justice.
He presents a concept and then provides vignettes of office visits of composites of couples he has treated. That is where my single criticism would lie with this book. I could have went for more theoretical discussion and less vigenettes. He did them well but I felt there was an over reliance on them and they got a bit chatty and soap opera-ish...not so much in quality of any one vignettes but just the sheer quantity of them. I wrestled with my rating which works out to 4.5 stars because of the vignettes, but I rounded up to 5. He provides many examples of common problems that he has found in his practice and provides some techniques for improving desire and arousal such as "simmering" a couple minute flirtation with no intercourse to keep the interest up, and the "two step method" where a couple first goes to bed, lies still and focus on themselves for a period...become mindful, and then they use that focus to concentrate on each other.
Without getting into religion, Snyder conveys the sense of beauty, spirituality, and sheer awe that I have for love and sex. He wants you to be "inspired" by it, and I loved his notion of "sanctification of the ordinary:"
He defines faith earlier in the book as "a kind of inner coherence that allows you to keep your balance in a relationship." (p. 161)
The book concludes with extensive notes which I actually read and found some interesting nuggets. The book also has an impressive bibliography.
All in all, I found it to be an excellent book and a pleasant change from all the expert advice on how to give mind blowing orgasms and trying new positions.
The author successfully, in my opinion, simplifies the mysteries of sexual desire and arousal by introducing the idea of the "sexual self," basically an immature toddler who is honest but very selfish and has an extremely limited vocabulary of yes and no. Learn to manage the toddler and your sex life will be far less mysterious. Snyder proceeds to then tell us how to manage our sexual selves and it has several surprises. Don't worry about novel positions, new sex toys, getting into kink (unless that is your thing) or flying off to a bed and breakfast. Analyze your feelings, be responsible for your own pleasure, and be in the moment. I am not doing the book justice.
He presents a concept and then provides vignettes of office visits of composites of couples he has treated. That is where my single criticism would lie with this book. I could have went for more theoretical discussion and less vigenettes. He did them well but I felt there was an over reliance on them and they got a bit chatty and soap opera-ish...not so much in quality of any one vignettes but just the sheer quantity of them. I wrestled with my rating which works out to 4.5 stars because of the vignettes, but I rounded up to 5. He provides many examples of common problems that he has found in his practice and provides some techniques for improving desire and arousal such as "simmering" a couple minute flirtation with no intercourse to keep the interest up, and the "two step method" where a couple first goes to bed, lies still and focus on themselves for a period...become mindful, and then they use that focus to concentrate on each other.
Without getting into religion, Snyder conveys the sense of beauty, spirituality, and sheer awe that I have for love and sex. He wants you to be "inspired" by it, and I loved his notion of "sanctification of the ordinary:"
I believe real faith grows from the sanctification of the ordinary. When as a couple you commit on a regular basis to going to bed early to talk, and perhaps to making love afterward, that’s a sanctification of the ordinary.
Snyder, M.D., Stephen. Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship (p. 204). St. Martin's Press. Kindle Edition.
He defines faith earlier in the book as "a kind of inner coherence that allows you to keep your balance in a relationship." (p. 161)
The book concludes with extensive notes which I actually read and found some interesting nuggets. The book also has an impressive bibliography.
All in all, I found it to be an excellent book and a pleasant change from all the expert advice on how to give mind blowing orgasms and trying new positions.
February 23, 2018
This book was absolutely a worthwhile read. I read it all in one day and made lots of notes. The information is relevant and helpful to so many situations one comes across in a long term monogamous relationship. I would easily rank this as one of the better books on "sex help." I only wish it was more in depth! Maybe there will be a sequel or workbook...one can hope.
October 17, 2018
One of the main ideas is that you don't need to force anything during sex and think about your own pleasure first. Not so sure about the last part.
The advice is hidden deep among endless pages of dialogues with some patients, I guess to hide the fact that there are about 4 ideas in this whole book.
The advice is hidden deep among endless pages of dialogues with some patients, I guess to hide the fact that there are about 4 ideas in this whole book.
November 5, 2023
Raamat seksist, täpsemalt sellest, kuidas see võiks pikaajalises (monogaamses) suhtes säilida nauditaval ja rahuldustpakkuval kujul.
Autoriks on aastakümnete pikkuse kogemusega terapeut, kes on väga ilmselgelt meessoost ja väga ilmselgelt vanemast põlvkonnast. Tulemuseks on üks kõikuva kvaliteediga megamikstuur aegunud õpetustest ja uskumustest (à la psühhoanalüüs, esimene seksuaalne kogemus lapse jaoks on ema rinnapiima imemine jmt), tänapäevasematest hoiakutest ja teadmistest (sekspositiivsus, mittemonogaamsete ja LGBT suhete olemasolu teadvustamine) ning autori enda pimekohtadest ja taustast (nt tugev religioosne taust).
Miinuseks on igasuguste tänapäevaste teadusuuringute viidete puudumine ja autori enda arvamuse/hoiakute segunemine faktidega. Ei olnud suurem asi fänn sellele, et autor laseb nii tugevalt seguneda oma religioossel taustal professionaalsete hoiakute ja tööga. Võib-olla on see kohati paratamatu, võib-olla on meil autoriga lihtsalt väga erinev nägemus tööeetikast. Tundsin mitmete kliendilugude puhul, et mina ei töötaks eluilmaski nii, nagu autor, kellele meeldib päris palju avaldada oma (hinnangulist ja kallutatud) arvamust, oletusi ja psühhoanalüütilisi järeldusi, mis võivad, aga ei pruugi üldse olla tõesed. Samal ajal annan endale aru, et autor võis ka teadlikult kliendilugusid ja oma käitumist nõustamisseanssidel lihtsuse või efektsuse mõttes kujutada väga lühidalt ja teistmoodi, kui reaalses elus see kabinetis toimus.
Samal ajal on omamoodi plussiks autori personaalsem stiil, teatud humoorikus ja maalähedus. Nii mõnigi autori tunnetuslik seisukoht on sümpaatne, näiteks spirituaalsemat või emotsionaalsemat sorti lähenemine seksuaalsetele kogemustele. Samal ajal ei saa välistada, et mõnede inimeste jaoks on seks midagi väga praktilist ega pea sugugi alati seostuma sügavate ja hingeliste kogemuste või vajadustega. Ridade vahelt märkasin, et autor on tegelikult üpris hästi kursis mitmete viimase aja arengutega (seksuaal)psühholoogias, kuid sageli ei nimetanud ta teooriaid ja asju "õigete" nimedega, vaid seletas enda sõnade abil, mistõttu inimesele, kellel puudub minusugune taust psühholoogias, võib jääda mulje, et autor räägib mingitest oma avastustest.
Tuleb nõustuda ka mitmete teiste lugejate poolt välja toodud etteheitega, et tegelikult on raamatus väga vähe konkreetseid sõnumeid või teadmisi, mida kaasa noppida.
Sisuliselt võiks öelda, et -
1. "seksuaalne olemus" on nagu kaheaastane laps - jonnakas, mitteverbaalne (heal juhul oskab öelda "jah" ja "ei"), tujukas, mänguline, soovib (hinnangu)vabadust ja aktsepteerimist
2. kvaliteetse seksi puhul tuleb kasuks mindfulness, mittehinnangulisus, aeglaselt võtmine
3. praktiseerida võiks argist, mittekuhugiviivat erutumist ("hõõgumine"), ning veeta aega koos ka niisama paljalt kõrvuti pikutades, eeldamata, et asi peab viima seksi, või veel enam, orgasmini
4. keskendu rohkem enda, mitte teise naudingule - las teine vastutab oma naudingu eest ise
Oleks tahtnud tegelikult rohkem teada, mida "seksuaalne olemus" siis ikkagi kontseptsioonina autori meelest täpsemalt tähendab, kuidas teda tundma õppida jms. Natuke liiga abstraktseks ja tunnetuslikuks jäi kõik, aga autor vist ütleks, et see seda olemust kirjeldabki...
Täitsa tore ja kohati humoorikas lugemine, mõningate möönduste ja kulmukortsutustega. Tõenäoliselt on mõistlikum lugeda kõiki neid autoreid ja raamatuid, mis on selles valdkonnas hetkel menukamad ja keda autor ka korduvalt mainib (nt Nagoski, Perel).
Autoriks on aastakümnete pikkuse kogemusega terapeut, kes on väga ilmselgelt meessoost ja väga ilmselgelt vanemast põlvkonnast. Tulemuseks on üks kõikuva kvaliteediga megamikstuur aegunud õpetustest ja uskumustest (à la psühhoanalüüs, esimene seksuaalne kogemus lapse jaoks on ema rinnapiima imemine jmt), tänapäevasematest hoiakutest ja teadmistest (sekspositiivsus, mittemonogaamsete ja LGBT suhete olemasolu teadvustamine) ning autori enda pimekohtadest ja taustast (nt tugev religioosne taust).
Miinuseks on igasuguste tänapäevaste teadusuuringute viidete puudumine ja autori enda arvamuse/hoiakute segunemine faktidega. Ei olnud suurem asi fänn sellele, et autor laseb nii tugevalt seguneda oma religioossel taustal professionaalsete hoiakute ja tööga. Võib-olla on see kohati paratamatu, võib-olla on meil autoriga lihtsalt väga erinev nägemus tööeetikast. Tundsin mitmete kliendilugude puhul, et mina ei töötaks eluilmaski nii, nagu autor, kellele meeldib päris palju avaldada oma (hinnangulist ja kallutatud) arvamust, oletusi ja psühhoanalüütilisi järeldusi, mis võivad, aga ei pruugi üldse olla tõesed. Samal ajal annan endale aru, et autor võis ka teadlikult kliendilugusid ja oma käitumist nõustamisseanssidel lihtsuse või efektsuse mõttes kujutada väga lühidalt ja teistmoodi, kui reaalses elus see kabinetis toimus.
Samal ajal on omamoodi plussiks autori personaalsem stiil, teatud humoorikus ja maalähedus. Nii mõnigi autori tunnetuslik seisukoht on sümpaatne, näiteks spirituaalsemat või emotsionaalsemat sorti lähenemine seksuaalsetele kogemustele. Samal ajal ei saa välistada, et mõnede inimeste jaoks on seks midagi väga praktilist ega pea sugugi alati seostuma sügavate ja hingeliste kogemuste või vajadustega. Ridade vahelt märkasin, et autor on tegelikult üpris hästi kursis mitmete viimase aja arengutega (seksuaal)psühholoogias, kuid sageli ei nimetanud ta teooriaid ja asju "õigete" nimedega, vaid seletas enda sõnade abil, mistõttu inimesele, kellel puudub minusugune taust psühholoogias, võib jääda mulje, et autor räägib mingitest oma avastustest.
Tuleb nõustuda ka mitmete teiste lugejate poolt välja toodud etteheitega, et tegelikult on raamatus väga vähe konkreetseid sõnumeid või teadmisi, mida kaasa noppida.
Sisuliselt võiks öelda, et -
1. "seksuaalne olemus" on nagu kaheaastane laps - jonnakas, mitteverbaalne (heal juhul oskab öelda "jah" ja "ei"), tujukas, mänguline, soovib (hinnangu)vabadust ja aktsepteerimist
2. kvaliteetse seksi puhul tuleb kasuks mindfulness, mittehinnangulisus, aeglaselt võtmine
3. praktiseerida võiks argist, mittekuhugiviivat erutumist ("hõõgumine"), ning veeta aega koos ka niisama paljalt kõrvuti pikutades, eeldamata, et asi peab viima seksi, või veel enam, orgasmini
4. keskendu rohkem enda, mitte teise naudingule - las teine vastutab oma naudingu eest ise
Oleks tahtnud tegelikult rohkem teada, mida "seksuaalne olemus" siis ikkagi kontseptsioonina autori meelest täpsemalt tähendab, kuidas teda tundma õppida jms. Natuke liiga abstraktseks ja tunnetuslikuks jäi kõik, aga autor vist ütleks, et see seda olemust kirjeldabki...
Täitsa tore ja kohati humoorikas lugemine, mõningate möönduste ja kulmukortsutustega. Tõenäoliselt on mõistlikum lugeda kõiki neid autoreid ja raamatuid, mis on selles valdkonnas hetkel menukamad ja keda autor ka korduvalt mainib (nt Nagoski, Perel).
September 14, 2020
I read this at the recommendation of a friend, not really knowing what to expect in terms of personal connection or impact. Come to find out, it was brilliant. I think everyone should read this, whether they are currently sexually active or not. If you have dreams of being in a long-term relationship, it would serve you to know how to be healthier in relation to your “sexual self.” What compelled me the most was how he addressed our need for stillness...I’ve never heard anything like it before. Seriously, everyone, just go read this. It’ll be good for you and interesting to read.
September 22, 2024
3 ⭐️
A truly mid book. I think a lot of this was useful, but I never understand why religious people need to bring their religious views into every single aspect of their lives, especially when it comes to sex therapy. There is a singular chapter on religion and sex and how they can go hand-in-hand, and that of course is fine because it is the topic of that particular chapter. But random biblical quotes are sprinkled throughout the entire book and it was a bit jarring at times and felt forced.
He also tows a fine line of being a bit sexist in the way he speaks about the way women view men. I get that he may have clients who want masculine, overpowering, and dominant men as their partners’, but there are also women (🙋🏼♀️) who appreciate their partner’s acceptance of their feminine side and find it a turn on when they can express their feelings in a normal way with emotion. Idk, there were just a few takes in this that rubbed me the wrong way and seemed to always make the woman sound like they were being unreasonable or too needy or too cold, etc. and we didn’t really ever hear that same take with the men’s sides. But who knows, maybe that just means women overthink everything to the point that the men are not even aware of, and I guess that could be true too 😂.
In the end, this was an okay read for some help if you’re maybe in a rough patch or need some self-affirmation that your lack of libido (or your partner’s) has more to do with the psychological side of things than the physical.
A truly mid book. I think a lot of this was useful, but I never understand why religious people need to bring their religious views into every single aspect of their lives, especially when it comes to sex therapy. There is a singular chapter on religion and sex and how they can go hand-in-hand, and that of course is fine because it is the topic of that particular chapter. But random biblical quotes are sprinkled throughout the entire book and it was a bit jarring at times and felt forced.
He also tows a fine line of being a bit sexist in the way he speaks about the way women view men. I get that he may have clients who want masculine, overpowering, and dominant men as their partners’, but there are also women (🙋🏼♀️) who appreciate their partner’s acceptance of their feminine side and find it a turn on when they can express their feelings in a normal way with emotion. Idk, there were just a few takes in this that rubbed me the wrong way and seemed to always make the woman sound like they were being unreasonable or too needy or too cold, etc. and we didn’t really ever hear that same take with the men’s sides. But who knows, maybe that just means women overthink everything to the point that the men are not even aware of, and I guess that could be true too 😂.
In the end, this was an okay read for some help if you’re maybe in a rough patch or need some self-affirmation that your lack of libido (or your partner’s) has more to do with the psychological side of things than the physical.
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December 23, 2018
I found very little to be useful in this book, and in our minds the perversion and specialization used in relation to breastfeeding multiple times in this book completely discredit the authors reliability. In no universe or reality is breastfeeding the infants first exposure to sexual intimacy, penetration, or anything else sexual, as Snyder says it is. Perpetuation of the sexualization of breastfeeding does not help sex between married people, especially those with kids, or the culture to value breastfeeding. I expected to be able to get a lot of good info from this book but the author is clearly passionate about perverting breastfeeding. If we could leave no stars we would. Try another book, like “Mating in Captivity”, by Esther Perel, for advice that is useful and realistic, like the reality that adventure and eroticism in sex can be hard to find in secure relationships, and what to do about it. I will be very cautious in the future about wasting time on books that are mainly recommended by colleagues. Love Worth Making was a great waste.
August 5, 2020
Case studies and down to earth examples of how to work out of "sex knots" or relational dynamics that are self perpetuating. For example, a stressed out husband stops initiating six causing his wife to feel undesired. She reacts by becoming harsh and critical which makes him even less likely to initiate sex.
Dr Snyder smashes a lot of the conventional advice for couples experiencing low desire. If you aren't really connected emotionally then novelty and spicing things up isn't really going to make sex more exciting. And forcing yourself to have sex when your desire is low is only going to make your libido rebel.
He explains how to get past those hang ups and when it would be helpful to see a therapist.
Dr Snyder smashes a lot of the conventional advice for couples experiencing low desire. If you aren't really connected emotionally then novelty and spicing things up isn't really going to make sex more exciting. And forcing yourself to have sex when your desire is low is only going to make your libido rebel.
He explains how to get past those hang ups and when it would be helpful to see a therapist.
May 7, 2021
This book digs into the emotional connections of sex. Why we feel the way we do.
We carry a lot of shame around when it comes to sex. Why? Where does that come from? Why wouldn't I trust my husband, the one person I am intimate with, to work out these "sex knots" the author talks about.
Yes I liked this book. We each have our own personal wall when it comes to sex, a boundary line that we won't consider crossing because of our comfort level or moral view. I challenged myself not to stop reading when my wall was hit and I caught myself in a few self righteous moments that I actually was able to learn from!
I am on a journey to have an intimate lifestyle and an extraordinary marriage with the man I love and this book was a great resource!
We carry a lot of shame around when it comes to sex. Why? Where does that come from? Why wouldn't I trust my husband, the one person I am intimate with, to work out these "sex knots" the author talks about.
Yes I liked this book. We each have our own personal wall when it comes to sex, a boundary line that we won't consider crossing because of our comfort level or moral view. I challenged myself not to stop reading when my wall was hit and I caught myself in a few self righteous moments that I actually was able to learn from!
I am on a journey to have an intimate lifestyle and an extraordinary marriage with the man I love and this book was a great resource!
June 8, 2018
A Magical Read
Dr. Snyder kindly treats his readers to a lifetime of insights on issues about which few people are comfortable communicating. He tackles a range of topics and types of relationships. He offers mature and sustainable approaches to enhance relationships which may grow stale over time. This book is a wonderful read and a valuable tool for people who want to strengthen their most important relationship which, I imagine, is everyone. Highly recommend.
Dr. Snyder kindly treats his readers to a lifetime of insights on issues about which few people are comfortable communicating. He tackles a range of topics and types of relationships. He offers mature and sustainable approaches to enhance relationships which may grow stale over time. This book is a wonderful read and a valuable tool for people who want to strengthen their most important relationship which, I imagine, is everyone. Highly recommend.
June 12, 2018
It is clear to me, after reading this book, that Dr. Snyder has truly mastered the art of emotional relationships. The advice and ideas in this book are new and completely groundbreaking. Additionally, I found it to be extremely well written with all the concepts beautifully explained.
I'd recommend this book to anyone who is looking to bring life and emotion back into their relationships. There just isn't any other out there like it.
I'd recommend this book to anyone who is looking to bring life and emotion back into their relationships. There just isn't any other out there like it.
July 28, 2022
Read the Headway summary. Didn't feel like I wanted/needed to read more, definitely written by an older dude. The summary started secular but the end chapters made a lot of reference to 'good sex' feeling like a 'deep prayers', and he lost me even more. Would touch this book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 14, 2024
Decent read. Sex is a fascinating subject to study for how it one of the main driving factors of human beings. Additionally it is the most potent creative force. This book is a therapist’s perspective and ideas around lovemaking. Decent read, nothing pathbreaking.
November 21, 2019
Hint: It's emotional. Take care of you, and let them worry about their own satisfaction. Communicate. Feel things together. Really bond with one another.
April 28, 2019
This was a compulsively readable and relatable book about sex and issues that may come up in long term relationships. The chapters were short and interesting and provided a lot of interesting advice from a 30 plus year sex therapist. Most of the book focuses on the relationship between two people much more than the sex itself. This is the first book of this type that I didn't lose interest in because it was too clinical or boring. Overall, I'd definitely recommend it.
November 30, 2020
Otra joya encontrada por casualidad. Más que fijarse en temas clichés (posiciones, juguetes, etc) se fija en la psicología del sexo. Entre los temas que encontré más interesantes está la influencia de la conciencia plena en el sexo. No sólo fue una lectura interesante, sino práctica. No es sólo meditativa, incluye casos y consejos practicables. Partiendo de que muchos recibimos una educación sexual basada en la vergüenza, este libro me ha expuesto mucho conocimiento quitando este elemento. Recomendado para parejas que llevan mucho tiempo juntas, pero yo pienso que cualquiera puede aprender con esta lectura.
January 7, 2026
I thought the book was good but as a Christian sort of conflicting. I really appreciated the insight and wisdom as a woman towards the sexual self and reasons why things can get difficult. The two step process is really great too! But I had a really difficult time with the mother-child connection when it came up. And while theoretically it makes sense, it just rubbed me the wrong way.
September 30, 2021
Very interesting case studies 🤓
August 15, 2024
Essentially x5 different couples therapy scenarios. Very insightful and fun to read.
November 20, 2021
Sex is a subject that, let's be honest, has fascinated me (and probably you too if you're reading this) since I was I teenager. Back then it was in my thoughts pretty much all of my waking life and even now, it's a large portion of my mind-pie. It amazes me, therefore, that's it's taken me so long to read a whole book on the subject.
To be clear: this isn't really a book about the mechanics of sex, it's more a book about how sex makes us feel; not just in a physical way, but in an emotional sense. As such, it's much more interesting to me than something like 'the lego guide to sex'.
There's so much good material here that every page has me stopping and thinking about myself and my response to the words and how they (the words) relate to my experience on sexual matters (desire) over the years and now. Man, that was a convoluted way to say that the book makes me think! In fact, I could write a whole other book containing my thoughts about this book. But I'm not going to. At least, not here I'm not. I'll save my thought for my blog if you don't mind. Well, the one's I don't censor anyway.
So, yeah - read this if you're into reading about the feelings behind sex and desire. Avoid it if you're never desired.
To be clear: this isn't really a book about the mechanics of sex, it's more a book about how sex makes us feel; not just in a physical way, but in an emotional sense. As such, it's much more interesting to me than something like 'the lego guide to sex'.
There's so much good material here that every page has me stopping and thinking about myself and my response to the words and how they (the words) relate to my experience on sexual matters (desire) over the years and now. Man, that was a convoluted way to say that the book makes me think! In fact, I could write a whole other book containing my thoughts about this book. But I'm not going to. At least, not here I'm not. I'll save my thought for my blog if you don't mind. Well, the one's I don't censor anyway.
So, yeah - read this if you're into reading about the feelings behind sex and desire. Avoid it if you're never desired.
May 25, 2018
4.5 stars.
Dr. Snyder has written a book that both males and females will gain insight into how to have the best sex in a committed relationship. I took a ton of notes as a few of the patient stories really resonated with me.
This is not your average sex help book. This book encourages you to look deeper into yourself, be mindful of how you feel (and accept it) and remember, your sexual self is a child. It’s selfish and is only thinking of itself.
Dr. Snyder has written a book that both males and females will gain insight into how to have the best sex in a committed relationship. I took a ton of notes as a few of the patient stories really resonated with me.
This is not your average sex help book. This book encourages you to look deeper into yourself, be mindful of how you feel (and accept it) and remember, your sexual self is a child. It’s selfish and is only thinking of itself.
March 1, 2018
Stephen Snyder, M.D., Author
Love Worth Making
St. Martins Press, ISBN 978-1-2501788-6-2
Non-Fiction-relationships, self-help, love, sex, orgasm, foreplay, eroticism
320 pages
February 2018 Review for Bookpleasures
Reviewer-Michelle Kaye Malsbury, BSBM, MM
Review
Doctor Stephen Snyder is a sex therapist. (2017, back cover) This book, Love Worth Making, is a compilation of his twenty-five years counseling couples and individuals in the areas of relationships and sex. In this book he explores ways that couples can achieve and maintain sexual feelings and enjoyment in long term relationships.
Doctor Snyder broaches the topics of foreplay, orgasms, sex and love in this book. He introduces a variety of relationships that are experiencing difficulty in maintaining the sexual heights they once had in their love lives and other dysfunctional thoughts that can contribute to dissatisfaction with your partner in sex.
The Introduction suggests that “Your wife is not a lawn mower”. Snyder helps couples talk about foreplay and how that progressions leads to sex. What they feel about the foreplay and who initiates the foreplay can determine how satisfying the sex is between couples. As with most therapists, he also talks to his patients about childhood experiences that may taint their adult sexual experiences.
On page 18 (2017) Snyder lays out the “Rules of Desire” where he states that “Good sex follows certain rules. The same is true for great sex.” Furthermore, there is, according to his research and experience, a fair mix of couples who know about these rules and those with little to no idea whatsoever. Do you and your partner know these rules? Or are you clueless?
Most of us are aware of Masters and Johnson and their research regarding sex during the 1950’s and 60’s. It was groundbreaking at that time. They were frontrunners in what would become sex therapy and their research has shaped those that follow. For instance, were you aware that when you become sexually aroused your pupils dilate? Or that your nipples become erect? Actually, I had not given any deep thought into those and other things that Snyder discusses in this book.
In chapter four (2017, p.48, Esther Pearl quote) Snyder says that “Your sexual self doesn’t just want to be loved. It wants to be loved more than anyone else or anything in the world. “ He likens this to a two year old and their favorite word “mine”. For which he continues with “Humans are a possessive bunch.” And that narcissism is not necessarily a bad thing so long as it is not pathological. (p.49) In the “Passion Prescription” Snyder says that “Healthy narcissism gives the erotic mind its energy and vitality. A certain kind of selfishness is an advantage to lovemaking. We ordinarily refer to it as passion.” (p.50) Are you selfish during lovemaking? Is your partner selfish during lovemaking? Doctor Snyder believes that “Sexual selfishness tends to be more erotic than sexual generosity.” Which side of this spectrum depicts you?
I do not want to give everything this book offers away in my review. Therefore, if you and your partner want to learn more about how to have great sex in a long term relationship maybe this book is for you. I enjoyed reading this book and learning about sex. I think you will enjoy it too!
Love Worth Making
St. Martins Press, ISBN 978-1-2501788-6-2
Non-Fiction-relationships, self-help, love, sex, orgasm, foreplay, eroticism
320 pages
February 2018 Review for Bookpleasures
Reviewer-Michelle Kaye Malsbury, BSBM, MM
Review
Doctor Stephen Snyder is a sex therapist. (2017, back cover) This book, Love Worth Making, is a compilation of his twenty-five years counseling couples and individuals in the areas of relationships and sex. In this book he explores ways that couples can achieve and maintain sexual feelings and enjoyment in long term relationships.
Doctor Snyder broaches the topics of foreplay, orgasms, sex and love in this book. He introduces a variety of relationships that are experiencing difficulty in maintaining the sexual heights they once had in their love lives and other dysfunctional thoughts that can contribute to dissatisfaction with your partner in sex.
The Introduction suggests that “Your wife is not a lawn mower”. Snyder helps couples talk about foreplay and how that progressions leads to sex. What they feel about the foreplay and who initiates the foreplay can determine how satisfying the sex is between couples. As with most therapists, he also talks to his patients about childhood experiences that may taint their adult sexual experiences.
On page 18 (2017) Snyder lays out the “Rules of Desire” where he states that “Good sex follows certain rules. The same is true for great sex.” Furthermore, there is, according to his research and experience, a fair mix of couples who know about these rules and those with little to no idea whatsoever. Do you and your partner know these rules? Or are you clueless?
Most of us are aware of Masters and Johnson and their research regarding sex during the 1950’s and 60’s. It was groundbreaking at that time. They were frontrunners in what would become sex therapy and their research has shaped those that follow. For instance, were you aware that when you become sexually aroused your pupils dilate? Or that your nipples become erect? Actually, I had not given any deep thought into those and other things that Snyder discusses in this book.
In chapter four (2017, p.48, Esther Pearl quote) Snyder says that “Your sexual self doesn’t just want to be loved. It wants to be loved more than anyone else or anything in the world. “ He likens this to a two year old and their favorite word “mine”. For which he continues with “Humans are a possessive bunch.” And that narcissism is not necessarily a bad thing so long as it is not pathological. (p.49) In the “Passion Prescription” Snyder says that “Healthy narcissism gives the erotic mind its energy and vitality. A certain kind of selfishness is an advantage to lovemaking. We ordinarily refer to it as passion.” (p.50) Are you selfish during lovemaking? Is your partner selfish during lovemaking? Doctor Snyder believes that “Sexual selfishness tends to be more erotic than sexual generosity.” Which side of this spectrum depicts you?
I do not want to give everything this book offers away in my review. Therefore, if you and your partner want to learn more about how to have great sex in a long term relationship maybe this book is for you. I enjoyed reading this book and learning about sex. I think you will enjoy it too!
March 6, 2018
Loved this. Helped me think about my relationship with my long-term partner in a fresh way. This book is going to be a lot of help to a lot of people.
December 6, 2024
Really enjoyed this book! Great info and loved the client stories. Interesting read from the male perspective
July 30, 2025
Dr. Stephen Snyder’s Love Worth Making is not your average sex book. It is neither mechanical nor salacious, neither a preachy sermon nor a latex-wrapped lecture. Rather, it is a rare and generous gift: part bedside manual, part confessional, and part philosopher’s treatise, written with warmth, wit, and the authority of a man who has clearly sat with many couples in both their mess and their magic.
What struck me immediately—and endeared me to Snyder’s work—was his profound ability to normalize. Not in the trite, Instagrammable “it’s okay to not be okay” sense, but in the real, grounded, occasionally hilarious sense that helps readers exhale in relief. Whether you’re navigating mismatched libidos, desire that disappears during your child’s bedtime routine, or that existential dread that creeps in mid-coitus because capitalism is killing us all—Snyder has probably seen it, talked about it, and written about it with surprising tenderness.
The book is gloriously example-heavy. These are not stock couples with names like Jane and John Doe, but beautifully messy humans in love (or at least in proximity) whose sex lives are as strange and sacred as our own. Snyder tells their stories with a therapist’s eye and a poet’s ear, illustrating the many ways desire gets tangled—and untangled—through real-life moments. These case studies are not just informative; they’re oddly comforting, like hearing your slightly wiser, unshockable uncle explain why everyone’s weird in bed and it’s totally fine.
Now, for me, the soul of the book resides in the chapter on faith—a section that snuck up on me like a hymn in a hallway. As someone raised under the heavy quilt of purity culture, where sex was either sin or silent, this chapter was revelatory. Snyder doesn’t shy away from the deep entanglement between spirituality and sexuality—he walks right into it. He invites readers to view the erotic not as a threat to holiness, but as a conduit for it. He reframes desire not as a thing to tame but a thing to bless. For those of us who were taught that God was watching (and disapproving), Snyder’s insight is the gentle theological revolution we didn’t know we needed.
It would be a disservice not to mention the book’s abundant list of further resources. Snyder is generous with citations, suggesting everything from clinical texts to cultural commentary, offering a self-guided syllabus for anyone looking to deepen their understanding of sex, love, and the neurobiology of connection. This book is not a cul-de-sac; it’s an intersection.
In conclusion: Love Worth Making is a wise, funny, compassionate, and sneakily profound read. It’s the rare kind of sex book that makes you feel both more human and more hopeful. Whether you’re in the middle of a dry spell, a love affair, or just another Tuesday night of existential scrolling, this book reminds you: pleasure is sacred, connection is complex, and love—when made with presence—is always worth it.
What struck me immediately—and endeared me to Snyder’s work—was his profound ability to normalize. Not in the trite, Instagrammable “it’s okay to not be okay” sense, but in the real, grounded, occasionally hilarious sense that helps readers exhale in relief. Whether you’re navigating mismatched libidos, desire that disappears during your child’s bedtime routine, or that existential dread that creeps in mid-coitus because capitalism is killing us all—Snyder has probably seen it, talked about it, and written about it with surprising tenderness.
The book is gloriously example-heavy. These are not stock couples with names like Jane and John Doe, but beautifully messy humans in love (or at least in proximity) whose sex lives are as strange and sacred as our own. Snyder tells their stories with a therapist’s eye and a poet’s ear, illustrating the many ways desire gets tangled—and untangled—through real-life moments. These case studies are not just informative; they’re oddly comforting, like hearing your slightly wiser, unshockable uncle explain why everyone’s weird in bed and it’s totally fine.
Now, for me, the soul of the book resides in the chapter on faith—a section that snuck up on me like a hymn in a hallway. As someone raised under the heavy quilt of purity culture, where sex was either sin or silent, this chapter was revelatory. Snyder doesn’t shy away from the deep entanglement between spirituality and sexuality—he walks right into it. He invites readers to view the erotic not as a threat to holiness, but as a conduit for it. He reframes desire not as a thing to tame but a thing to bless. For those of us who were taught that God was watching (and disapproving), Snyder’s insight is the gentle theological revolution we didn’t know we needed.
It would be a disservice not to mention the book’s abundant list of further resources. Snyder is generous with citations, suggesting everything from clinical texts to cultural commentary, offering a self-guided syllabus for anyone looking to deepen their understanding of sex, love, and the neurobiology of connection. This book is not a cul-de-sac; it’s an intersection.
In conclusion: Love Worth Making is a wise, funny, compassionate, and sneakily profound read. It’s the rare kind of sex book that makes you feel both more human and more hopeful. Whether you’re in the middle of a dry spell, a love affair, or just another Tuesday night of existential scrolling, this book reminds you: pleasure is sacred, connection is complex, and love—when made with presence—is always worth it.
October 10, 2023
Perspective-changing.
Sex is about emotions, not friction.
It’s not a job or a performance. It’s about enjoying yourself and the other person enjoying themselves and you finding each other’s arousal arousing. It’s not about giving pleasure, it’s about taking it (consensually obviously).
Focus on what turns you on, and let the other person focus on what turns them on.
The author claims women need to feel desired to be turned on.While I’m suspicious of gendered observations, that’s intuitively pretty convincing. It also might explain some women’s participation in pornography that caters to the male gaze.
It made a few more gendered observations about what women find attractive. Doing nothing and passivity are apparently unattractive whereas confidence, showing initiative and being self-sufficient are. That challenges my love of leisure and thoughtfulness but I certainly rue the moments in life I haven’t been proactive in a warm, direct and causal way.
Reading this book, I reflected on the sex I have most enjoyed in my life. By and large I actually haven’t enjoyed much of it at all; too much pain and suffering growing up and my experiences largely being a reflection of those circumstances. But the times I have, I see some common themes. One, I was physically fit, felt attractive and was told I was beautiful. Two, I was occasionally under the influence of something that took away the stress of my life, allowed me to focus on the present moment and feel energetic and happy. Three, I was in a home environment of my choosing with someone I was comfortable with.
So, how to have great sex? Focus on your enjoyment and what you find attractive and arousing. Work out and eat well. Reduce or take a break from life’s stressors. Make sure you’re in a space you feel comfortable with someone you feel comfortable with. Focus on your pleasure and what arouses you. Let the other person take care of themselves.
The book had a lot more specific advice about problems people run into in monogamy, told warmly and briskly as a series of patient stories. But I found its power was in causing me to reflect on my own experience and illuminating their emotional logic.
Sex is about emotions, not friction.
It’s not a job or a performance. It’s about enjoying yourself and the other person enjoying themselves and you finding each other’s arousal arousing. It’s not about giving pleasure, it’s about taking it (consensually obviously).
Focus on what turns you on, and let the other person focus on what turns them on.
It begins with asking the question "What's more erotic, a partner who just wants to give you sexual pleasure, or a partner who wants to take sexual pleasure from being with you?"
The answer is obvious, right? Sexual generosity that's not accompanied by a certain kind of selfishness just isn't very erotic. No hero in a romance novel ever rips off the heroine's clothes and says,
"Now tell me how you like to be touched."
Most people, men and women alike, prefer lovers whose absorption in the moment makes them at least momentarily thoughtless.
Most of us quite enjoy being hungrily devoured by someone we love.
The author claims women need to feel desired to be turned on.While I’m suspicious of gendered observations, that’s intuitively pretty convincing. It also might explain some women’s participation in pornography that caters to the male gaze.
It made a few more gendered observations about what women find attractive. Doing nothing and passivity are apparently unattractive whereas confidence, showing initiative and being self-sufficient are. That challenges my love of leisure and thoughtfulness but I certainly rue the moments in life I haven’t been proactive in a warm, direct and causal way.
Reading this book, I reflected on the sex I have most enjoyed in my life. By and large I actually haven’t enjoyed much of it at all; too much pain and suffering growing up and my experiences largely being a reflection of those circumstances. But the times I have, I see some common themes. One, I was physically fit, felt attractive and was told I was beautiful. Two, I was occasionally under the influence of something that took away the stress of my life, allowed me to focus on the present moment and feel energetic and happy. Three, I was in a home environment of my choosing with someone I was comfortable with.
So, how to have great sex? Focus on your enjoyment and what you find attractive and arousing. Work out and eat well. Reduce or take a break from life’s stressors. Make sure you’re in a space you feel comfortable with someone you feel comfortable with. Focus on your pleasure and what arouses you. Let the other person take care of themselves.
The book had a lot more specific advice about problems people run into in monogamy, told warmly and briskly as a series of patient stories. But I found its power was in causing me to reflect on my own experience and illuminating their emotional logic.
June 28, 2024
I have trouble sitting down and writing book reviews, but this book was so good, I have to take the time to write about it.
This book is ostensibly about sex, but really, it's a book about relationships - those with our partners certainly, but also with ourselves and those who raised and shaped us and continue to live inside us in our own perceptions and expectations.
It's a book about connection, intimacy, and eroticism in ways that are not synonymous with sex or intercourse. I think these are probably some of the first things to go missing in a long term relationship, even if you are still having plenty of sex. We've learned to equate arousal (not just erections, but the feeling of getting excited) with the act of sex, and in doing so we lose that erotic connection in the rest of our life and interactions with each other.
It's also a book about boundaries - learning to set your own and respect your partner's - in ways that bring you closer together rather than pushing you apart, so both of your needs get met. On the other hand it means recognizing that your partner cannot possibly fulfill all your needs in life, and shouldn't be expected to. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.
I think what I loved so much about this book was that it didn't shy away from hard conversations around dark topics that come up in long term relationships, like the temptation to cheat, or the fear that your desires are incompatible, or the worry that you have grown apart as you have grown and changed as people. There is no shame around these topics in this book, just recognition that they are common and something to be examined honestly, rather than sweeping them under the rug and hoping they go away.
Using the framework of some of the couples he has worked with, he presents all the usual advice and research in ways that immediately connect and make sense. He also discusses why a lot of the popular cultural advice like "putting sex dates on the calendar" or buying new lingerie or fancy toys don't ultimately help the underlying issues that you may be struggling with. Instead, he reminds us that sex should be easy, not work. The "Two-step" technique he describes and gives several examples of through the book is immediately usable for anyone in a relationship, because it is simple and straightforward.
I want to come back and add a few great quotes and more thoughts later, but I have to leave this here for now. This book was literally life changing and I recommend anyone in a serious relationship read it.
This book is ostensibly about sex, but really, it's a book about relationships - those with our partners certainly, but also with ourselves and those who raised and shaped us and continue to live inside us in our own perceptions and expectations.
It's a book about connection, intimacy, and eroticism in ways that are not synonymous with sex or intercourse. I think these are probably some of the first things to go missing in a long term relationship, even if you are still having plenty of sex. We've learned to equate arousal (not just erections, but the feeling of getting excited) with the act of sex, and in doing so we lose that erotic connection in the rest of our life and interactions with each other.
It's also a book about boundaries - learning to set your own and respect your partner's - in ways that bring you closer together rather than pushing you apart, so both of your needs get met. On the other hand it means recognizing that your partner cannot possibly fulfill all your needs in life, and shouldn't be expected to. You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.
I think what I loved so much about this book was that it didn't shy away from hard conversations around dark topics that come up in long term relationships, like the temptation to cheat, or the fear that your desires are incompatible, or the worry that you have grown apart as you have grown and changed as people. There is no shame around these topics in this book, just recognition that they are common and something to be examined honestly, rather than sweeping them under the rug and hoping they go away.
Using the framework of some of the couples he has worked with, he presents all the usual advice and research in ways that immediately connect and make sense. He also discusses why a lot of the popular cultural advice like "putting sex dates on the calendar" or buying new lingerie or fancy toys don't ultimately help the underlying issues that you may be struggling with. Instead, he reminds us that sex should be easy, not work. The "Two-step" technique he describes and gives several examples of through the book is immediately usable for anyone in a relationship, because it is simple and straightforward.
I want to come back and add a few great quotes and more thoughts later, but I have to leave this here for now. This book was literally life changing and I recommend anyone in a serious relationship read it.
December 26, 2023
- A completely banana good book. In essence, the book talks about how making love should be about having fun, enjoying each other's companies rather than feeling like doing a job (the author noted that the sexual self only has 2 answers for sex: yes or no. Working too hard to overcompensate or disagree with the sexual self will only result in unhappiness - if the body says no, don't engage in sex. There's a reason why the body says no. Plus, there are tons of other fun activities couples could do (or don't do) besides sex - movies, hiking - or live separate lives once in a while). The author states multiple times that: if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong.
- First of all, a big distinction between having sex and making love. On the surface, they two seem to be the same, but they're not. You can have sex with any other humans, but you only can make love with someone you love. Sex is merely one component (albeit a very important component) of being in love. Thus, sex with love is "making love". Similarly, there's a big distinction between eating and feeding. On the surface, they're the same. But eating is simply an act of digesting any food, nutritious or not. Whereas feeding while on the surface is also an act of digesting, it's more about digesting the pure nutritious part of a human diet
- A big reason why sex has gone stale is the lack of love component. Love is largely emotional, dwelling on the physical part alone is purely misguided
- Oftentimes we, the conscious self, are not being truthful with the unconscious self. We force things to happen because we think it "ought to be" (for instance, we think we "ought to be" having sex with our partner a set of times per week, anything less of that number means we don't love each other anymore - humans are not rigid, things don't work like that. Listen to each others' bodies)
- Don't seek "strict" guidelines of how to have sex, or how to have a foreplay: humans are not formulas.
- "The essence of good foreplay is to enjoy yourself" - yourself is key here. You can't read another person's mind, you can only know your own need. Thus, be blunt about what YOU need and want, see how your partner can work with you. On the other hand, your partner should also be blunt about what your partner need, and see how you can work with your partner
- Women wants to know she can give men pleasure: they get enjoyment out of it. In addition, they also have a fundamental need to feel desired
- If you don't enjoy certain sexual act - oral, figuring, or even intercourse - don't force it
- "Too much cuddling can neuter your relationship"
- "Physical intimacy should be a little frustrating"
- Female vs Male: "being beautiful" is a very female trait. Whereas for male, "men at work" is still a very much of a male trait (an idling male is not "sexy" whatsoever, whereas an idling beautiful female is still very palatable). The author noted that this also goes into the bedroom: female want to see male initiate, do the "chase". An idle male waiting for female to initiate is not sexy
- "Women get easily turned off by negative feelings about their bodies": they have innate urge to feel constantly praised and by their look unconditionally (the more beautiful a woman is, the more they have such desire, because they're so used to the beauty privilege (and they know one day they'd lose it to another 25 y/o) they need constant assurance to stay sane)
- For women, sex in teens and 20s are mostly for attention. Pleasure come later on (if they ever come). Whereas for men, rarely do they get "pleasure" the way women do (they're capable, just not emotionally mature to enter that)
- "Wealth has the power to stimulate vaginal lubrication in many women who will admit to it, and in many more who will not"
- Shit test: when issue arise between a male's parents and a male's female partner, the female partner want to see the male sided with her, not his parents'. If the male sided with his parents, the female will very quickly lose interest
- "There is an unwritten list of masculine attributes that women tend to admire. These include confidence, self-sufficiency, initiative, decisiveness, and maturity"
- Women can act needy, talk in baby voices and they're turn ons for men. But for men, such act is a total turn off. A man could act needy once in a blue moon and seem endearing only because it's so out of ordinary
- Power is sexy, and women want to be associated with someone powerful
- The author noted that men have tendency to avoid pure pleasure (he speculated it has something to do with separating from female energies when they were boys). It's often the women who think seriously about erotic pleasure
- "Men at work": men have tendency to treat love like work (just like they have tendency to believe they must provide). Thus, they have intense urge to get hard and perform well in bed - even though it's not fun at all
- When you want to spend time together doing nothing at all, do so. Forcing desire could only backfire
- First of all, a big distinction between having sex and making love. On the surface, they two seem to be the same, but they're not. You can have sex with any other humans, but you only can make love with someone you love. Sex is merely one component (albeit a very important component) of being in love. Thus, sex with love is "making love". Similarly, there's a big distinction between eating and feeding. On the surface, they're the same. But eating is simply an act of digesting any food, nutritious or not. Whereas feeding while on the surface is also an act of digesting, it's more about digesting the pure nutritious part of a human diet
- A big reason why sex has gone stale is the lack of love component. Love is largely emotional, dwelling on the physical part alone is purely misguided
- Oftentimes we, the conscious self, are not being truthful with the unconscious self. We force things to happen because we think it "ought to be" (for instance, we think we "ought to be" having sex with our partner a set of times per week, anything less of that number means we don't love each other anymore - humans are not rigid, things don't work like that. Listen to each others' bodies)
- Don't seek "strict" guidelines of how to have sex, or how to have a foreplay: humans are not formulas.
- "The essence of good foreplay is to enjoy yourself" - yourself is key here. You can't read another person's mind, you can only know your own need. Thus, be blunt about what YOU need and want, see how your partner can work with you. On the other hand, your partner should also be blunt about what your partner need, and see how you can work with your partner
- Women wants to know she can give men pleasure: they get enjoyment out of it. In addition, they also have a fundamental need to feel desired
- If you don't enjoy certain sexual act - oral, figuring, or even intercourse - don't force it
- "Too much cuddling can neuter your relationship"
- "Physical intimacy should be a little frustrating"
- Female vs Male: "being beautiful" is a very female trait. Whereas for male, "men at work" is still a very much of a male trait (an idling male is not "sexy" whatsoever, whereas an idling beautiful female is still very palatable). The author noted that this also goes into the bedroom: female want to see male initiate, do the "chase". An idle male waiting for female to initiate is not sexy
- "Women get easily turned off by negative feelings about their bodies": they have innate urge to feel constantly praised and by their look unconditionally (the more beautiful a woman is, the more they have such desire, because they're so used to the beauty privilege (and they know one day they'd lose it to another 25 y/o) they need constant assurance to stay sane)
- For women, sex in teens and 20s are mostly for attention. Pleasure come later on (if they ever come). Whereas for men, rarely do they get "pleasure" the way women do (they're capable, just not emotionally mature to enter that)
- "Wealth has the power to stimulate vaginal lubrication in many women who will admit to it, and in many more who will not"
- Shit test: when issue arise between a male's parents and a male's female partner, the female partner want to see the male sided with her, not his parents'. If the male sided with his parents, the female will very quickly lose interest
- "There is an unwritten list of masculine attributes that women tend to admire. These include confidence, self-sufficiency, initiative, decisiveness, and maturity"
- Women can act needy, talk in baby voices and they're turn ons for men. But for men, such act is a total turn off. A man could act needy once in a blue moon and seem endearing only because it's so out of ordinary
- Power is sexy, and women want to be associated with someone powerful
- The author noted that men have tendency to avoid pure pleasure (he speculated it has something to do with separating from female energies when they were boys). It's often the women who think seriously about erotic pleasure
- "Men at work": men have tendency to treat love like work (just like they have tendency to believe they must provide). Thus, they have intense urge to get hard and perform well in bed - even though it's not fun at all
- When you want to spend time together doing nothing at all, do so. Forcing desire could only backfire
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