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Custer of the West #1
Armstrong
"Delightfully funny alternative history." —WINSTON GROOM, bestselling author of Forrest Gump and El Paso "Droll satire, this is the West as it might have been if the Sioux hadn't saved us."—STEPHEN COONTS, bestselling author of Flight of the Intruder and Liberty's Last Stand "H.W. Crocker has irresistible fun with George Armstrong Custer...a hilarious adventure." -- The American Spectator "If you like learning history while laughing, you'll like this book...marvelous satire." -- DAVID LIMBAUGH, #1 bestselling author of The True Jesus and The Great Barack Obama's War on the Republic What if Custer survived the Battle of the Little Bighorn? What if he became a gun-for-hire? And what if he made common cause with a troupe of cancan dancers, Chinese acrobats, an eyepatch-wearing rebel cardsharp, and a multilingual Crow scout? Eager to clear his name from the ignominy of his last stand - but forced to do so incognito, under the clever pseudonym Armstrong - Custer comes across evildoings in the mysterious Montana town of Bloody Gulch, which a ruthless Indian trader runs as his own personal fiefdom, with rumors of muder, slavery, and buried treasure. Armstrong is a rip-roaring tale of action, adventure, and hilarity as the ridiculously handsome, astonishingly brave, and highly susceptible milk-drinking cavalryman travels through the untamed West. The Custer of the West Series begins here — and it's a wild ride you won't want to miss.
262 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 13, 2018
About the author
H.W. Crocker III
13 books49 followersH.W. Crocker III is the bestselling author of the prize-winning comic novel The Old Limey and several books of military history, including Triumph, Robert E. Lee on Leadership, The Politically Incorrect Guide® to the Civil War, The Politically Incorrect Guide® to the British Empire, Yanks, and Don’t Tread on Me.
His journalism has appeared in National Review, the American Spectator, the Washington Times, and many other outlets. Educated in England and California, Crocker lives on the site of a former Confederate encampment in Virginia.
His journalism has appeared in National Review, the American Spectator, the Washington Times, and many other outlets. Educated in England and California, Crocker lives on the site of a former Confederate encampment in Virginia.
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
February 8, 2025
Strange concept. Amusing at times. Wide open ending. I will probably check out the others in the series to see how they develop.
June 16, 2021
This story makes Custer into a Wild West mythical character. The humor is whimsical at time.
August 17, 2018
I won this e-book in a giveaway called Goodreads ( thank you ) for a honest review. Wow, this is a
funny book and I had a hard time putting the book down, there was over 200 pages. Mr. H.W Crocker
rewrites the history of Armstrong. I recommend this book to anyone who loves history and a touch
of silliness.
funny book and I had a hard time putting the book down, there was over 200 pages. Mr. H.W Crocker
rewrites the history of Armstrong. I recommend this book to anyone who loves history and a touch
of silliness.
September 28, 2025
2.5 stars rounded down. Who would have thought that Custer surviving Little Big Horn would have been the least unbelievable part of this book.
October 2, 2018
It was a great concept, but only ok in execution. It did have some funny lines.
January 3, 2019
This was a GoodReads giveaway of a Kindle ebook.
It reminded me of the Dustin Hoffman movie "Little Big Man", but with Custer as the survivor. It was amusing, but not all that funny. I found the attempts at making light of other races and nationalities as very poor and mildly offensive. Very juvenile racial stereotypes lacking any sophistication. I get that Crocker is trying to look at the world via Custer's eyes, but I did not find it that amusing.
Have a GoodReads.
It reminded me of the Dustin Hoffman movie "Little Big Man", but with Custer as the survivor. It was amusing, but not all that funny. I found the attempts at making light of other races and nationalities as very poor and mildly offensive. Very juvenile racial stereotypes lacking any sophistication. I get that Crocker is trying to look at the world via Custer's eyes, but I did not find it that amusing.
Have a GoodReads.
March 30, 2024
Such a fun book! It's a 3.5 star book; I rounded up for the sheer fun-factor.
October 1, 2018
ARMSTRONG, as our British cousins say, does what it says on the tin. It is a highflown historical fantasy, with George Armstrong Custer surviving the field of blood and death in windblown Montana to live and fight another day. Rescued by a white slave among the Sioux, and adopted by a minor Sioux faction as a blood brother, Custer is free to ride the dusty western plains as a knight-errant, seeking all the while to clear his name against the treachery of Benteen and Reno.
Now! It is quite possible that this does not stir your heart. It is possible, in this year of grace two thousand and eighteen, that the behavior of cavalrymen and cavaliers in the glorious nineteenth century does not comport with whatever tender sensibilities you may have. Custer, although having many of the mannerisms (not the manners, of course not) of the "parfit gentil knight," engages in conduct that would have a modern-day cavalry officer brought up on charges in the never-blinking Social Media Court of Public Opinion. He uses the word "squaw," and I am not sure if Goodreads will even let me write that. He treats women in a condescending fashion while ogling them tremendously. Custer is... oh, Good Lord, how to say this... extremely racist towards the Chinese-American and Native American characters in the book.
It is, to put it mildly, difficult to write period-specific first-person historical fiction to suit the modern ear; I wouldn't think to try, myself. One way to handle this (I am thinking about the character of Cromwell in WOLF HALL, by Hilary Mantel) is to make your character as modern as you can, the better to relate to modern readers. H.W. Crocker III doesn't think to drag Custer into the 21st century, or to censor or bowdlerize him, and that is certainly the right decision. Crocker's sure-footed impersonation of Custer--the casual self-aggrandizing behavior, the limitless vanity, the absolute confidence in his star--is the best and most fun thing about this book. (The second best and most fun thing about this book is that it doesn't, at least until the end, turn into one more dreary rehash of Little Big Horn.)
ARMSTRONG is a delight to read for Custer's voice alone, but I can't quite give it my full recommendation for three reasons.
First, you have in Custer an unreliable narrator. This is not bad in and of itself, but it is not the deliberate lies that Custer tells but the direction in which his lies trend. ARMSTRONG is set forth as an epistolary novel (which is another of those things that I hope Goodreads let me type), in which Custer is writing to his wife, the fair Libbie. So what you have here is the typical Custer tendency to make himself look as good as possible--which you would expect from the character--but he is also trying to convince his wife of his chastity, and not doing a very good job of that. So ARMSTRONG is filled with passage after package in which Custer writes about the beauty and grace of whatever woman he is talking to at the moment, and then he has to stop himself and explain that, of course, none of them compare to you sweetheart. I don't think, mind you, that Custer actually beds all of the women he talks about--the timeframe wouldn't permit it--but it's a nervous verbal tic in a book that seems to be constructed from nervous verbal tics.
(Contrast the FLASHMAN books, which are a virtual, if not virtuous, godfather to ARMSTRONG--in those books, Flashman boasts of his amours, and tells the reader that he is believable because he is writing about his own lechery and cowardice. Not that this is any more or less a subterfuge, but it's more consistent.)
Second, all of the supporting characters are one-notes; the Southern cardsharp, the noble (and multilingual) Crow scout, the mercenary gunfighters, the frightened townspeople, the hard-headed mistress of the saloon. The whole thing is stuffed with tropes imported from 50's westerns; you expect Chuck Connors to show up halfway through and start shooting people. You can argue (and I think that Crocker would argue) that this is because this is how Custer sees them--as minor characters in the grand tableau of the Son of the Morning Star. Still, I've read one too many "Yankee General, suh" rejoinders from the Confederate character to concede the point.
Third, and most disappointingly, the stakes in the book are both a-historical and small. A-historical is fine; I am perfectly OK with this being a fictional tale of knight-errantry by Custer. But what happens, historically, is not that interesting. The closest parallel for ARMSTRONG is not to the Flashman tales (which usually involve the main character in noted historical debacles, including Little Bighorn) but to the more outlandish entries in Lee Child's Jack Reacher series, where Reacher walks into a random Western town and finds a huge conspiracy. ARMSTRONG is more like that kind of book, which is too bad.
Having said all that, if you can put up with those mild caveats, you will be treated to one of the most ridiculous chapters in the long history of comedy, involving Custer, Chinese acrobats, and a whole bunch of chickens. ARMSTRONG is worth the money for that scene alone, and if you buy the book and skip to that point I bet Crocker won't mind that much.
Now! It is quite possible that this does not stir your heart. It is possible, in this year of grace two thousand and eighteen, that the behavior of cavalrymen and cavaliers in the glorious nineteenth century does not comport with whatever tender sensibilities you may have. Custer, although having many of the mannerisms (not the manners, of course not) of the "parfit gentil knight," engages in conduct that would have a modern-day cavalry officer brought up on charges in the never-blinking Social Media Court of Public Opinion. He uses the word "squaw," and I am not sure if Goodreads will even let me write that. He treats women in a condescending fashion while ogling them tremendously. Custer is... oh, Good Lord, how to say this... extremely racist towards the Chinese-American and Native American characters in the book.
It is, to put it mildly, difficult to write period-specific first-person historical fiction to suit the modern ear; I wouldn't think to try, myself. One way to handle this (I am thinking about the character of Cromwell in WOLF HALL, by Hilary Mantel) is to make your character as modern as you can, the better to relate to modern readers. H.W. Crocker III doesn't think to drag Custer into the 21st century, or to censor or bowdlerize him, and that is certainly the right decision. Crocker's sure-footed impersonation of Custer--the casual self-aggrandizing behavior, the limitless vanity, the absolute confidence in his star--is the best and most fun thing about this book. (The second best and most fun thing about this book is that it doesn't, at least until the end, turn into one more dreary rehash of Little Big Horn.)
ARMSTRONG is a delight to read for Custer's voice alone, but I can't quite give it my full recommendation for three reasons.
First, you have in Custer an unreliable narrator. This is not bad in and of itself, but it is not the deliberate lies that Custer tells but the direction in which his lies trend. ARMSTRONG is set forth as an epistolary novel (which is another of those things that I hope Goodreads let me type), in which Custer is writing to his wife, the fair Libbie. So what you have here is the typical Custer tendency to make himself look as good as possible--which you would expect from the character--but he is also trying to convince his wife of his chastity, and not doing a very good job of that. So ARMSTRONG is filled with passage after package in which Custer writes about the beauty and grace of whatever woman he is talking to at the moment, and then he has to stop himself and explain that, of course, none of them compare to you sweetheart. I don't think, mind you, that Custer actually beds all of the women he talks about--the timeframe wouldn't permit it--but it's a nervous verbal tic in a book that seems to be constructed from nervous verbal tics.
(Contrast the FLASHMAN books, which are a virtual, if not virtuous, godfather to ARMSTRONG--in those books, Flashman boasts of his amours, and tells the reader that he is believable because he is writing about his own lechery and cowardice. Not that this is any more or less a subterfuge, but it's more consistent.)
Second, all of the supporting characters are one-notes; the Southern cardsharp, the noble (and multilingual) Crow scout, the mercenary gunfighters, the frightened townspeople, the hard-headed mistress of the saloon. The whole thing is stuffed with tropes imported from 50's westerns; you expect Chuck Connors to show up halfway through and start shooting people. You can argue (and I think that Crocker would argue) that this is because this is how Custer sees them--as minor characters in the grand tableau of the Son of the Morning Star. Still, I've read one too many "Yankee General, suh" rejoinders from the Confederate character to concede the point.
Third, and most disappointingly, the stakes in the book are both a-historical and small. A-historical is fine; I am perfectly OK with this being a fictional tale of knight-errantry by Custer. But what happens, historically, is not that interesting. The closest parallel for ARMSTRONG is not to the Flashman tales (which usually involve the main character in noted historical debacles, including Little Bighorn) but to the more outlandish entries in Lee Child's Jack Reacher series, where Reacher walks into a random Western town and finds a huge conspiracy. ARMSTRONG is more like that kind of book, which is too bad.
Having said all that, if you can put up with those mild caveats, you will be treated to one of the most ridiculous chapters in the long history of comedy, involving Custer, Chinese acrobats, and a whole bunch of chickens. ARMSTRONG is worth the money for that scene alone, and if you buy the book and skip to that point I bet Crocker won't mind that much.
February 3, 2019
This book was a nice, easy-to-read book. It was fairly funny and had a somewhat interesting plot. I feel like it was a little too long and the humor got a little old about half-way through. If it would have been a lot shorter it would have worked better for me. Overall though a fun, easy, though slightly long, read.
October 30, 2022
History records that General George A. Custer was killed at the Battle of Little Bighorn, ending an illustrious and often dramatic career. History is wrong, for we discover in Armstrong that the general in fact survived the ambush, being rescued by a white captive-wife of the Sioux, who wanted to thank him for killing her husband The two fled and hid among a traveling theatrical group, and after a series of bloody and zany events, found themselves in an odd town that proved to have dark secrets. The townsfolk had been effectively enslaved by a local trading company with a private army and Sioux allies. Being a knight-errant in the service of Truth, Justice, and the American way, Custer promptly donned a new name – “Armstrong” – and commenced to a lot of derring-do. The result is Armstrong, a comic western novel that draws on western stock characters and tropes while having a little fun at history (and especially Custer’s) expense.
Armstrong’s first mission is to escape the Sioux, but the manner in which he does so (pretending to be a trick shooter in a theatrical group) disrupts his original plan of clearing his name for the massacre at Little Big Horn. He was set up, you see, and he’s particularly suspicious of that drunk in the White House, Grant. After a little bloodbath ensues at Armstrong’s first show, he and the traveling show escape to a little town in a canyon, which seems like a peaceful sanctuary until he realizes there’s something rotten going on. He pledges himself to liberate the town from the government contractors who have imprisoned it, despite being woefully outmanned. His aides in this chivalrous quest include a former Confederate who is a dasher with the ladies; a multilingual Crow scout; a band of dancing girls, and a troop of Chinese acrobats who he trains as skirmishers. The western tropes start with the rebel-with-a-cause and the native ally and only grow from there, but Crocker employs them to have fun with them. The novel is a comic western, its plot warmed by absurdism as much as the Sonoran sun, and features a multitude of running jokes — from Armstrong having to frequently disguise himself, to fun with language. One of the sillier bits includes Armstrong relying on his hunch that all dogs know German using his…er, limited knowledge of Hochdeutsch to enlist a dog as his ally. (“Helpenzie me, bitte!”) It’s reminiscent of Mel Brooks, complete with elements that would no doubt drive some modern readers red with self-righteous rage, like Chinese acrobats whose knowledge of English is limited, or the Union and Confederate officers having a discussion about their respective causes that doesn’t end with the southerner beating his breast in repentance. Although this is intended as fantastical, humorous take on The Western, Crocker nonetheless works in real facts, aided by his having written a Custer biography. I was surprised to learn that Custer served as the groomsman in the wedding of a Confederate friend of his during the war — each man dressed in his uniform.
If you’re in the mood for a ‘light’ western that mixes humor and wild-west adventures, Armstrong is a lot of fun.
Armstrong’s first mission is to escape the Sioux, but the manner in which he does so (pretending to be a trick shooter in a theatrical group) disrupts his original plan of clearing his name for the massacre at Little Big Horn. He was set up, you see, and he’s particularly suspicious of that drunk in the White House, Grant. After a little bloodbath ensues at Armstrong’s first show, he and the traveling show escape to a little town in a canyon, which seems like a peaceful sanctuary until he realizes there’s something rotten going on. He pledges himself to liberate the town from the government contractors who have imprisoned it, despite being woefully outmanned. His aides in this chivalrous quest include a former Confederate who is a dasher with the ladies; a multilingual Crow scout; a band of dancing girls, and a troop of Chinese acrobats who he trains as skirmishers. The western tropes start with the rebel-with-a-cause and the native ally and only grow from there, but Crocker employs them to have fun with them. The novel is a comic western, its plot warmed by absurdism as much as the Sonoran sun, and features a multitude of running jokes — from Armstrong having to frequently disguise himself, to fun with language. One of the sillier bits includes Armstrong relying on his hunch that all dogs know German using his…er, limited knowledge of Hochdeutsch to enlist a dog as his ally. (“Helpenzie me, bitte!”) It’s reminiscent of Mel Brooks, complete with elements that would no doubt drive some modern readers red with self-righteous rage, like Chinese acrobats whose knowledge of English is limited, or the Union and Confederate officers having a discussion about their respective causes that doesn’t end with the southerner beating his breast in repentance. Although this is intended as fantastical, humorous take on The Western, Crocker nonetheless works in real facts, aided by his having written a Custer biography. I was surprised to learn that Custer served as the groomsman in the wedding of a Confederate friend of his during the war — each man dressed in his uniform.
If you’re in the mood for a ‘light’ western that mixes humor and wild-west adventures, Armstrong is a lot of fun.
August 1, 2018
A page-turner of a comic adventure novel, Armstrong begins the contra-historical story of General George Armstrong Custer after his escape from the massacre at Little Big Horn. Custer escapes captivity among the Sioux, destroys a circus, leads a posse looking for himself, and eventually saves a troop of dancing girls from an evil company town, bringing freedom and justice to Bloody Gulch. There's also the mystery of the hidden treasure...
Like Crocker's earlier "Old Limey" (and reminiscent of PG Wodehouse, one of his heroes), much of the humour comes from our hero's lack of perspective on himself. Custer describes the high-kicking can-can girls to his wife as disinterested servants of Terpsichore, feels sympathy for the women who (he believes) are constantly swooning over his "manly form", and, in my favourite passage, uses his multicultural instincts to speak foreign languages: " 'Helpy-helpy fighty-fighty chop-chop,' which was the best I could manage in Chinese." Horses understand French ("which is why they teach it at West Point") and dogs speak German: "Ich bein trappenzied. Ruff, ruff – needinsie your helpen," imprisoned Custer explains to a dog.
If you're familiar with Donald Jack's "Bandy Papers" books, Armstrong has a similar charm. This is the first in a promised "Custer of the West" series. I’m looking forward to more picaresque adventures as Custer knight-errants his way across America.
Like Crocker's earlier "Old Limey" (and reminiscent of PG Wodehouse, one of his heroes), much of the humour comes from our hero's lack of perspective on himself. Custer describes the high-kicking can-can girls to his wife as disinterested servants of Terpsichore, feels sympathy for the women who (he believes) are constantly swooning over his "manly form", and, in my favourite passage, uses his multicultural instincts to speak foreign languages: " 'Helpy-helpy fighty-fighty chop-chop,' which was the best I could manage in Chinese." Horses understand French ("which is why they teach it at West Point") and dogs speak German: "Ich bein trappenzied. Ruff, ruff – needinsie your helpen," imprisoned Custer explains to a dog.
If you're familiar with Donald Jack's "Bandy Papers" books, Armstrong has a similar charm. This is the first in a promised "Custer of the West" series. I’m looking forward to more picaresque adventures as Custer knight-errants his way across America.
August 10, 2018
Funny, well written alternative history.
Funny, well written alternative history. Laughed out
Outloud at some of the funny, whimsical, egotistical scenarios. Loved the writing. Characters charming, Armstrong Armstrong very clever! Recommended. Loved Billy Jack, the Major, the deceitful Rachel. Want more!
Funny, well written alternative history. Laughed out
Outloud at some of the funny, whimsical, egotistical scenarios. Loved the writing. Characters charming, Armstrong Armstrong very clever! Recommended. Loved Billy Jack, the Major, the deceitful Rachel. Want more!
August 21, 2018
Custer survives as a Flashman incarnation
Suggested from a Facebook Civil War site. This post Little Big Horn story of the survival of Armstrong is pure delight. The author has read Custer and just tells the tale as an extension of Life on the Plains A two day summer read... pure bliss. When does the next installment come.
Suggested from a Facebook Civil War site. This post Little Big Horn story of the survival of Armstrong is pure delight. The author has read Custer and just tells the tale as an extension of Life on the Plains A two day summer read... pure bliss. When does the next installment come.
September 2, 2018
Silly story.
I bought this book based on a newspaper review that touted it as laugh out loud funny. Not so much. It did induce an occasional chuckle, but overall it was disappointing. The idea is funny, but the execution was only fair at best. I need to be more skeptical of the reviewer.
I bought this book based on a newspaper review that touted it as laugh out loud funny. Not so much. It did induce an occasional chuckle, but overall it was disappointing. The idea is funny, but the execution was only fair at best. I need to be more skeptical of the reviewer.
September 7, 2018
I know that other folks rated this book higher but I could not finish it. It was a little like the classic satirical book Little Big Man, but I felt that the story was getting just plain silly and I didn't see the point. Sorry!
March 18, 2024
I struggled with this one. Though written with a tongue-in-cheek and witty sense of humor, I struggled with the plot. Pacing seemed very slow to me. I thought the permise was great, but just couldn't get into it.
September 11, 2018
Loved all the characters in this book and I loved the history behind this story. The author intertwined history with humor. Great read !
November 27, 2018
This novel is riddled with adventure and so well thought out! I really enjoyed it!!
April 28, 2019
Read General Custer's story as never before...hilariously.
https://www.americanthinker.com/blog/...
https://www.americanthinker.com/blog/...
June 6, 2019
Fun but drags at times
October 6, 2021
Give yourself a treat
Very funny original Wild West adventure—Armstrong is a wonderful break from the tedious doldrums of the news cycle.
Highly recommended!
Very funny original Wild West adventure—Armstrong is a wonderful break from the tedious doldrums of the news cycle.
Highly recommended!
November 3, 2022
If you like the Flashman series, then you are the target audience for this book. An enjoyable romp. Great airline book.
December 18, 2022
Very funny
January 7, 2023
Interesting plot with some humor, but marred by the protagonist being a racist idiot. Kept expecting to either find it was an act or to have an ironic twist, but it never came.
September 16, 2018
A rousing good romp into alternate history.
An excellent tale with some very memorable characters. What if Custer did not die at the Little Big Horn massacre.
An excellent tale with some very memorable characters. What if Custer did not die at the Little Big Horn massacre.
September 18, 2022
I've often lamented the sales failure of fiction written by folks who adhere to traditional American values compared to their anti-moral counterparts. One of the reasons for this I believe is because often these virtue-reflecting authors assume their moral stands will compensate for mediocre writing. Crocker blazes a new trail (pub intended) by writing a series of books delivering all the elements we faith-based bibliophiles adore.
January 13, 2020
I don't know enough about Custer to know what was historical fact and what was artist license but it was an enjoyable enough read regardless. Ready for more.
June 21, 2021
Pleasantly absurd alternative history. But way too long. The humor begins to peter out about halfway through.
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews