Ich Will

by Axl Barnes

Adrian Norton is a nerdy, narcissistic university student. When his parents become unable to pay for his education, he starts working full time to save up for school. Meanwhile, his friend Nathan, a student who comes from a rich family, finishes his undergraduate studies and prepares to go to Oxford for graduate school. Tormented by envy and self-pity and repulsed by his social and financial situation, Adrian finds temporary escape in the study of Adolf Hitler's speeches and proclamations coupled with the hypnotic rhythms of German industrial metal. His outbursts of delusional megalomania are cut short by a brief, accidental encounter with Friedrich Nietzsche's philosophy. Adrian is rocked to the core by Nietzsche's idea of the Eternal Return of the Identical. This young man decides to take control of his destiny and fight the oppressive social system - in a very unorthodox way.

Genres: Fiction

190 pages, Paperback

First published December 1, 2012

About the author

Thanks for visiting my page! I'm a writer and philosopher living in Edmonton, Alberta, with a penchant for extreme metal and everything horror. My novella "Ich Will" and novel "Odin Rising" are available on Amazon. I'm currently writing my second novel, "This Town Must Burn." For more information visit: axlbarnes.blogspot.com

Reviews

[Lina · Rating 1 out of 5]

The writer's shitty takes and personality aside, book is just bad. Here's a quote:

"Having a stroke is especially humiliating because you can't hide it; like, for instance, how someone would try to hide being incontinent or having a deformed breast."

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ever since Dostoyevsky's "Notes from Underground", at least, the voice of choice for existentionalist fictioneers has been the first person inner monologue. It can easily fail. In fact, many writers seem to beg for its failure by imprisoning the reader inside the thoughts of that which she or he hates. The work itself becomes an iron test of writerly power: Here is this wretch, you could always stop reading.

"Ich Will" traps us inside the thoughts of some Adrian: a bitter, underemployed, young philosopher, as he struggles against ideology in the face of his failure at life. He desires to explain this life-as-failire but to blame it on external agents. These desires lead him to adopt various incoherent ideologies. Insofar as we find ourselves subscribing to the similar ideologies, we might sympathize with Adrian, "There's someone out there like me, or at least we have a common enemy". Ideologies bring us together, after all. But they do so only by excluding others. If we are excluded by an ideology (by its own standard or our own choice), we probably also find it repulsive.

If "Ich Will" works, it's only because we find Adrian at least sometimes sympathetic and sometimes repulsive. It is empowering to sympathize with him when acts according to some mutually shared ideology. But when he enacts some repulsive ideology, it becomes a shameful act to even continue reading. Adrian's irrational embracement of ideologies (or embracement of irrational ideologies) should help most readers be both sympathetic with and repulsed by Adrian--at least at first.In the end, perhaps very early on for some readers, continuing on inside Adrian's head becomes simply shameful. Maybe this is the reason that the author choses to doubly remove himself from the work--first by creating a fictional character with which to voice these thoughts, then by writing it under a heavy metal nom-de-plume.

Repeated news of school shootings perhaps testify to there being an audience for a work like this. There are plenty of Adrian Nortons out there--smart people (if not as smart as they think they are) who are under utilized in society and seeking to externalize their frustrations. The question, I guess, is why they should spend their fast food service industry wages on this book rather than write their own therapeutic novella. I'm not entirely sure why, but the author's informed understanding of the philosophy which attracts such minds is something of a draw in "Ich Will".

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an e-copy of Ich Will, authored by Axl Barnes, for review consideration. What follows below is my honest review, freely given.

I rated this novella 4 stars. I found this fit that strange, and often difficult read, where the reader and the main character will not mesh or have any middle ground to bond over, and that’s the point. Added with everyone the MC encounters having limited page time, that can leave the reader feeling adrift in the mind of someone they actively despise.

Adrian in some ways reminded me of several college boys that would hold sway over parties where I was an underage (17) attendee, back in the year of 1999. People would listen to them go on about their world view, no matter how strange or strict it was, and nod along, even get excited and add their own additions. America needs a dictator, not a president. Public channels for executions, then crime would go down. Different from Adrian, they also had a backpack full of VHS porn, and would try to get everyone naked by the end of the party, for unity. They were also rapists. Adrian seemed to have trouble with intimacy. So seeing, in a way, how they might have been thinking at the time, was a surreal experience. In a lot of ways Adrian just wanted to be heard, wanted his rightful place in society. He had a skewed view on what he was owed, and how he should be treated compared to how he viewed basically everyone around him; there are people like this, and just because they make us uncomfortable, doesn’t make them go away.

There is one perfectly written scene of splatterpunk horror, I haven’t come across one this good in a while. The build up, the execution, just flawless. However polarizing the subject of this novella is, the author should be recognized for his writing ability. Having said that, there is a scene later that, even though it’s a memory, made me feel ill. That’s on me, certain things make me queasy when reading them. I am not fully convinced that some of the events may have been only in Adrian’s mind. In an American Psycho type of open to interpretation, but that might just be me.

[Jess Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

‘I looked around and realised that on my tomb there was the grill and the deep-fryer, and my cross was a soda pop machine. Instead of resting in peace I was still satisfying customers, right there in the cemetery.’

When Adrian Norton’s parents are unable to pay for his education any more, he is forced to take a year off to earn the money to pay for another year. He fast becomes disillusioned with his job at a fast food chain, resenting being forced to spend his time working instead of bettering himself with further education. Things aren’t helped much by his only friend Nathan, who comes from a rich family and seems to breeze through life, buying the education and experiences that Adrian longs for. Eventually, taking twisted inspiration from the thoughts of philosopher Nietzsche, he decides to get his bloody revenge on society, and the job that he feels is forcing him to sell his sanity for money.

Our main character is not easy to like or understand, getting a glimpse inside his head is quite disturbing. Adrian is definitely not a character you are going to like. It was a wild ride living inside his thoughts - watching as he slowly descends into madness over the course of the story. He struggles to accept that his life is not going the way he planned as a child - and I felt like this was a theme a lot of us could relate too. It’s his reaction to this disappointment that sets him apart from most of us! I didn’t mind that I didn’t like Adrian because it made him an interesting narrative voice.

Just fyi: This is a very philosophy heavy read, involving lots of themes/philosophers I’m not very familiar with, but this didn’t detract from the story too much for me.

I quite enjoyed the author's writing style. I’ve seen this one described as being very metaphor heavy, but I enjoyed that. It was brutally beautiful in it’s own way. I can see why this one has been quite divisive - it isn’t one I can say everyone will enjoy - but I certainly did!

[Glinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

After seeing the cover art, and reading the reviews, I felt a great apprehension about the probable content of this novella. I was pleasantly surprised. This is not a traditionally written horror novel. It has elements of hardcore horror, and psychological horror, paired with a dark, Crobenberg/Lynch kind of mindfuck character transformation. References to philosophy are found throughout the narrative, and are well integrated into it. So, if you are new to philosophy, new to horror, are bad at dealing with gray areas of morality or existence in general, this may not be the book for you. (Possibly slight spoilers below).

Several important points:

1. The protagonist is inherently unlikable. You aren't supposed to like Adrian. He's an asshole. But human condition, there are, nonetheless, some relatable emotional moments.

2. As a highly empathetic person, I tend to wonder how "far right" and "alt right" types develop their attitudes. This narrative is a super expressive way of exploring how this occurs. Paired with violent impulses, that's pretty much exactly how we end up with school/church/club shooters. It is scary, and you probably should find yourself repulsed.

3. I know, it looks like a Nazi book. The cover art is a slap in the face, a shock. It is relevant to the narrative, as the protagonist is an asshole, psychotic nazi. It is DEFINITELY NOT supportive of Facist, Nazi, Incel, or Alt-Right views.

4. It's horror! Like, it's not a super comfy read. Horror shouldn't be comfortable. It should make you think, and challenge you. This novella accomplishes exactly that. The ending? Delightfully ambiguous.

[Simone Trojahn · Rating 5 out of 5]

An exciting psychotrip with a philosophic touch

Some reviewers claim that this book is Nazi propaganda, but after reading it I can say for sure, that it's not.
Instead we get a very close, disturbing and fascinating insight in the head of a missleaded, desperate and slightly psychotic young man.
Adrian keeps mostly to himself. He loves reading and is very into German philosophy. Due to financial issues he can't go studying anymore and has to work instead. By using a very strong and visualizing language the author shows us how much Adrian hates his job and the adult life he is urged to live. He is struggling with a reality that has nothing to do with the life he was dreaming of as a child. And finally his dispair drives him insane and completely over the edge...
Adrian is a very fascinating character. I felt a mixture of sympathy and revulsion for him.
"Ich will" is a great story for readers, that want to experience more than a "normal" thriller and are not afraid of taking a glimpse in the eyes of the devil.

[Christina Eleanor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ich Will is my first read of Bizarro Fiction. Barnes creatively weaves a tale with absurdism and pop-surrealism that makes the reader pay attention. If you don’t, you might get lost in the mayhem and have to back up a few pages to restart a scene! There were a few times I was reading and said to myself, “What just happened?” The story took some weird turns that I was not expecting. In the end, it all works!

The story is about a young collegiate scholar named Adrian. Because of some unforeseen circumstances, he has to figure out how to pay his own way through college. He’s a bit of a geeky loner with very few friends. Axl Barnes throws in some realism to allow us to connect with Adrian and understand his plight. There are some moments that can be offensive to readers as Adrian is very much into philosophy and the ideals and beliefs of Adolph Hitler among others play a big part of his character. If you like some weirdness with little bits of horror spliced into the story, Ich Will is a novella you should check out!

[Britton]

There are certainly the authors who can write about unpleasant, repulsive figures. Irvine Welsh, Warren Ellis, and Vladimir Nobokov come to mind, or for a more recent example Curtis M. Lawson. It was actually Curtis who told me about this guy and his work, as the guy had offered him to read his book in exchange for an honest review, and I remember being intrigued by the idea of a guy writing about Neo-Nazis. Though from what I gathered, unlike Curtis, he didn't have much of interest to say.

Admittedly, I didn't read much of his work, as the prose style turned off instantly. He writes like a petulant, angry metal head teenager, there's no sense of self awareness or wit in his voice, it's almost like he's begging for people to get offended. But it's so puerile, so ridiculously immature that it makes Mark Millar seem like a more deft writer. Much like many of the metal bands that he looks up to, he rages against the world, yet without any concrete reason as to why he's so angry.

At least with Black Heart Boys' Choir or A Clockwork Orange, the authors attempt to use these unpleasant, repulsive figures to make a commentary on human nature, to spread a message about the dangers of hatred and ignorance, though it seems that Barnes has completely failed to grasp such a concept and instead chooses to embrace such an escapist, misanthropic view of the world that Curtis and Anthony Burgess were rejecting in their own work.

His writing aside, his delusions of grandeur are even worse, if you look at his profile, he thinks of himself as a great literary talent. It makes Terry Goodkind seem like a sensitive, misunderstood soul in comparison. The way that he attacks people who criticize him on other negative reviews of his work showcase a deep seated level of obsession about his image, you can't even make this level of insecurity up if you tried.

In the end, it seems like the rantings of an insecure, angry outsider, without any form of self awareness or anything of interest to say. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy got outed as a sexual abuser sooner or later, as he writes like an overgrown teenager writing escapist fantasies to deal with his sexual insecurities.

[Keijo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall quite well written, with lots of unique evocative images used by the author. God knows how some writers are able to conjure so many of these up. I personally can't.

I particularly enjoyed the philosophical ponderings of the main character (which were mostly in the first half of the book).

As for the story, I liked it much more at the beginning than in the end. The everyday struggles of Adrian and his shitty job were interesting and relatable, whereas his descent into insanity wasn't always entirely believable and some of his actions seemed to lack motivation.

Also, when the book turned into more of a traditional horror story instead of the struggles of a philosophy student, it stopped being relatable for me, even though I admit that the writing continued to be good. Nor did I feel like these two somewhat contrasting parts quite gelled. At least, I personally would have preferred a whole book that focused on the first part, but then again I'm not much into horror literature.

I would also like to add that some parts mentioned in the synopsis, such as the main character's infatuation with Adolf Hitler, were only very briefly explored in the story, and don't warrant a large Black Sun on the cover which makes it seem as though nazism has a large part to play in the story, which it doesn't. Nietzsche's concept of eternal return also didn't play as big a part as I would have expected from the synopsis and the quote at the beginning.

The pacing was overall good, though at times perhaps the descriptions and thoughts of the character were a tad too excessively detailed. However, this may not be a problem for most people, as I simply lack patience when it comes to long descriptions.

What I would have cut entirely, however, was the story about the blonde haired boy and the wolves, which ground the story to a halt, didn't make much sense, and didn't appear to add anything to the overall plot.

As for the ending, it seemed a little too abstract for me, considering the story before it was rather straightforward, and I didn't really know what to make of it. I don't mind that it was open-ended, I just feel like I didn't really "get it" (if there was something to get).

Ultimately, however, the book was an interesting read and the pluses outweigh the minuses.

[Debi · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is a story of a spoiled college kid who goes insane and murders his boss and his friend. I was told to expect gore when I started this book. There were a couple of gory parts but for the most part it was a story. I think I was expecting more in the gore department. The quality of the gore that is present is incredible, it just feels like there were two big events and one of those events was too much for me. I do not do animal cruelty and that was really difficult to read. Another thing, there is blatant racism in this book and that’s another thing I just cannot tolerate, which I get there’s reference to hitler so it makes sense, but it just makes me sick personally. The main character drives me absolutely insane. He is so self-centered and vile. Reading this book I grew such a massive hatred for the main character. He is just everything I’m not and so I couldn’t relate to him at all. The ending of the book is the best part for me. You get the opportunity to see him start spiraling into a world of insanity where he starts acting on his thoughts and loses it completely. It was super interesting to see him go from an asshole to downright crazy. My absolute most favorite thing about this book is the imagery. The imagery in this book is some of the best imagery I’ve read. Everything is so descriptive and easy to follow. The words paint a very clear picture and are beautifully written. The book is a good book, it’s just not my style and I couldn’t relate to anyone making it pretty hard to connect for me.

[Zabrina Mecham · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this read overall, but I felt that a lot of paragraphs were very metaphor heavy and my brain just wanted them to be expanded upon. Rather than getting everything into the same paragraph. Left my brain yearning to explore when instead it was time to move to the next portion of the book.

Some parts of this book aren't for the feint of heart. But if you like twisted reads, you will enjoy the more....'intense' parts of this book.

[Glen · Rating 5 out of 5]

So, do you like a story where the protagonist(s) overcome a huge obstacle or obstacles to win the day, save the friend or romantic interest, and grow as a person? If you answered yes, then boy howdy did you come to the wrong review today. Ich Will is the opposite of all of that. A part of liking what you read/watch is first knowing what you are getting yourself into. While I had a very brief description given of the story, I soon learned that I still didn’t have much of a clue. And you know what they say about knowing things.

The title Ich Will is taken from the Rammstein song of the same name. The story is centered around Adrian, a person who is suffering through some terrible first-world problems; mainly, his parents aren’t able to support him financially with college due to his father having a stroke. So instead of living at home and having to face his ailing father on a daily basis, he opts to –gasp—get a job serving fast food! I can’t say much for myself, though, as I swore to never work in the fast food industry, so I’m not one to talk about first-world anything.

Between Adrian’s mundane job at McDonald’s…oops I mean MacDonnell’s, and his well-to-do friend Nathan gaining scholastic ground where Adrian believes he deserves it more, he begins to lose what sanity he might have left and begins plotting to take matters into his own hands. Following the philosophy of The Eternal Return from Nietzsche (look it up, I’m not into philosophy enough to properly explain it), he feels confident that doing what he plans to do is in fact an act that’s ultimately good and he will be rewarded for it. I won’t get into what his plans are because where’s the fun in that?

Adrian is not a likeable person. If any of you do like him or feel you can relate to him, I’m very worried about you. My initial notes describing him are as follows: so far Adrian is a whiny little bitch who thinks anyone who is different than him is scum. Basically a normal guy. Also pretty racist. While that description is still fairly accurate, there is more to him than that. The author Axl Barnes brought out quite a number of emotions in me regarding Adrian, ranging from pity to annoyance to outright anger at one point. Very few characters in the many books I’ve read over the years have elicited such varied responses in one story. So kudos to Mr. Barnes there.

One of the more noticeable aspects of the novella is the descriptive daydreams and hallucinations that Adrian has throughout. I came to think that were Ich Will to be made into a film, those scenes, if not the whole movie, would have to be filmed by David Cronenberg, as he came immediately to mind when reading them. They were very surreal and graphic, and someone should send that man a copy of the novella.

While I wasn’t digging what I was reading at first, my opinion changed by the end of the story. It delves into some real life horror, like the horror of watching a loved one withering away from a debilitating sickness, the depression of the life you so badly wanted being just out of your reach, and it’s also quite possibly an accurate look inside the mind of a budding psychopath. Was he truly God as he thought he was? You make the call!

[Kamila K · Rating 5 out of 5]

This novella is fast-paced, engaging, and it reads easily even for not native English speakers. Steeped in philosophical and psychoanalytic content, the story feels like a trip into the dark side of the human mind, because inside our heads the SELF is unlimited. The book is also a criticism of economic inequality and offers a glimpse into why some people embrace extreme ideologies. Overall, the author maintains a good balance between philosophy and horror, and shocks the reader with many twists and turns. I've had a great experience reading this book and, I can safely say, it's totally different from anything I had read before.

[Tracy · Rating 1 out of 5]

good god no