What do you think?
Rate this book
How to Get Married: The School of Life
A bold rethinking of the wedding ceremony - and what comes before and after - designed to prepare us for modern marriage.
Many couples today feel uncomfortable with the rituals traditionally associated with getting married. The old ceremonies can feel too overtly religious and out of step with the complexities of contemporary relationships. In response to this dilemma, The School of Life has rethought the ideal wedding day and redesigned the entire process from scratch.
The book begins by proposing new methods of psychological preparation, providing practical advice on how to prepare not only for the day of the wedding, but for the long marriage that follows. Also included is a practical and thoughtfully redesigned wedding ceremony, covering everything from picking a venue to writing vows and selecting readings.
With their trademark wisdom and warmth, The School of Life presents a bold rethinking of one of humankind's most important and popular rituals.
Many couples today feel uncomfortable with the rituals traditionally associated with getting married. The old ceremonies can feel too overtly religious and out of step with the complexities of contemporary relationships. In response to this dilemma, The School of Life has rethought the ideal wedding day and redesigned the entire process from scratch.
The book begins by proposing new methods of psychological preparation, providing practical advice on how to prepare not only for the day of the wedding, but for the long marriage that follows. Also included is a practical and thoughtfully redesigned wedding ceremony, covering everything from picking a venue to writing vows and selecting readings.
With their trademark wisdom and warmth, The School of Life presents a bold rethinking of one of humankind's most important and popular rituals.
132 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2023
38 people are currently reading
561 people want to read
About the author
Alain de Botton
166 books15.4k followersAlain de Botton is a writer and television producer who lives in London and aims to make philosophy relevant to everyday life. He can be contacted by email directly via www.alaindebotton.com
He is a writer of essayistic books, which refer both to his own experiences and ideas- and those of artists, philosophers and thinkers. It's a style of writing that has been termed a 'philosophy of everyday life.'
His first book, Essays in Love [titled On Love in the US], minutely analysed the process of falling in and out of love. The style of the book was unusual, because it mixed elements of a novel together with reflections and analyses normally found in a piece of non-fiction. It's a book of which many readers are still fondest.
Bibliography:
* Essays In Love (1993)
* The Romantic Movement (1994)
* Kiss and Tell (1995)
* How Proust Can Change Your Life (1997)
* The Consolations of Philosophy (2000)
* The Art of Travel (2002)
* Status Anxiety (2004)
* The Architecture of Happiness (2006)
* The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work (2009)
He is a writer of essayistic books, which refer both to his own experiences and ideas- and those of artists, philosophers and thinkers. It's a style of writing that has been termed a 'philosophy of everyday life.'
His first book, Essays in Love [titled On Love in the US], minutely analysed the process of falling in and out of love. The style of the book was unusual, because it mixed elements of a novel together with reflections and analyses normally found in a piece of non-fiction. It's a book of which many readers are still fondest.
Bibliography:
* Essays In Love (1993)
* The Romantic Movement (1994)
* Kiss and Tell (1995)
* How Proust Can Change Your Life (1997)
* The Consolations of Philosophy (2000)
* The Art of Travel (2002)
* Status Anxiety (2004)
* The Architecture of Happiness (2006)
* The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work (2009)
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
October 14, 2023
عندما اشتري شيئا جديدا أكون متلهفا لفتح العلبة حتى و ان تمزقت و فقدت فرصة الإرجاع ان كانت معيوبة. و أول ما يصادفني في العادة هو طريقة الاستخدام و حينها ألقي بها على أقرب طاولة لفترة طويلة و ربما للأبد بغض النظر ان كنت أعرف أي شيء مسبقا عن طريقة التشغيل أم لا. فالانسان أسير التجربة. نحب أن نعرف بأنفسنا دون اللجوء للغير و نجد في ذلك متعة كبيرة. قد نحتاج لدليل الاستخدام أحيانا و لكننا لا نلجأ أبدا له كخطوة استباقية.
يبدأ الكاتب هنا بداية قوية و صادمة و ساخرة عن فكرة الزواج نفسه و عن شكل مؤسسة الأسرة بوصفهما من بقايا العصر البطريركي الذي شغل فيه الدين حجر الأساس في العلاقات الإجتماعية. و هو يرى أنه حان الوقت لتجاوز ذلك النوع من العلاقات لبناء شكل أخر من العلاقة الأشد صدقا و متانة و أكثر مرونة و في نفس الوقت أمتع للطرفين. و الحق أنني أتفق معه في أن الأسرة ليست هي الشكل الأمثل للعلاقة الاجتماعية و لكنها في الوقت نفسه هي أفضل ما أتيح لنا حتى الآن سيما مع التحسينات القانونية التي تحاول حفظ الحقوق لكل الأطراف قبل و أثناء و بعد العلاقة الزوجية حسب طبيعة كل مجتمع تماما كما أن الديموقراطية ليست أفضل وسيلة للحكم و لكنها ما زالت أفضل ما توصلت إليه البشرية و أثبت نجاحا مع التجارب الكثيرة و الطويلة.
يسهب الكاتب في رأيه عن الزواج و يركز أكثر على أنه ما من سبيل لتجنب الزواج غالبا لذا فمن الأفضل أن نواجه هذه الحقيقة بدليل متكامل عن ما ينبغي علينا فعله ليكون زواجنا أقل معاناة و أكثر نضجا و نكون أقدر على التفاهم و العيش المشترك. و الحق أنها نصائح ممتازة و تعليمات منتقاة بعناية و ملاحظات خبير في معظمها و لكننا و كما سبق أن قلت لا نهتم أبدا بقراءة دليل الاستخدام و لن نصدق أبدا إلا ما تشاهده أعيننا و لن نتعلم إلا من كيسنا.
يبدأ الكاتب هنا بداية قوية و صادمة و ساخرة عن فكرة الزواج نفسه و عن شكل مؤسسة الأسرة بوصفهما من بقايا العصر البطريركي الذي شغل فيه الدين حجر الأساس في العلاقات الإجتماعية. و هو يرى أنه حان الوقت لتجاوز ذلك النوع من العلاقات لبناء شكل أخر من العلاقة الأشد صدقا و متانة و أكثر مرونة و في نفس الوقت أمتع للطرفين. و الحق أنني أتفق معه في أن الأسرة ليست هي الشكل الأمثل للعلاقة الاجتماعية و لكنها في الوقت نفسه هي أفضل ما أتيح لنا حتى الآن سيما مع التحسينات القانونية التي تحاول حفظ الحقوق لكل الأطراف قبل و أثناء و بعد العلاقة الزوجية حسب طبيعة كل مجتمع تماما كما أن الديموقراطية ليست أفضل وسيلة للحكم و لكنها ما زالت أفضل ما توصلت إليه البشرية و أثبت نجاحا مع التجارب الكثيرة و الطويلة.
يسهب الكاتب في رأيه عن الزواج و يركز أكثر على أنه ما من سبيل لتجنب الزواج غالبا لذا فمن الأفضل أن نواجه هذه الحقيقة بدليل متكامل عن ما ينبغي علينا فعله ليكون زواجنا أقل معاناة و أكثر نضجا و نكون أقدر على التفاهم و العيش المشترك. و الحق أنها نصائح ممتازة و تعليمات منتقاة بعناية و ملاحظات خبير في معظمها و لكننا و كما سبق أن قلت لا نهتم أبدا بقراءة دليل الاستخدام و لن نصدق أبدا إلا ما تشاهده أعيننا و لن نتعلم إلا من كيسنا.
April 29, 2019
What the heck did I just read?
There are some good points in this book (no one is perfect, you will both learn from and teach your partner, etc.), and the tone in the beginning is harsh but fair. I was willing to go where it was leading, but it just got stranger and stranger as I kept going. It got to the point where I wondered if I had been tricked into reading some kind of satire.
Some of the things described sound like the bitter divorced person’s equivalent of a Festivus-style wedding. There’s an emotional prenuptial contract and The Book of Imperfections…and that’s before the ceremony, which should be conducted by an officiant “filled with pity and tenderness” who “will have something of the gravity and kindness of a radiologist who thinks you can be cured, but knows you face a lengthy and grim sequence of treatments.” And after both partners admit that they are “failed and broken” and have read excerpts from their Book of Imperfections to the congregation (followed by a reading, music that is “openly sorrowful and plaintive,” and many other events), they are to kiss in a “solemn gesture.”
And don’t think you get to have any fun at the reception either! There should be conversation menus for the guests so they can have deep discussions about marriage and relationships instead of “simply chatting,” speeches should refrain from jokes or any humor (“You are here to provide information”), and presents should be accompanied “with an account of why [the guest’s] own marriage or relationships are difficult and why they are themselves awkward people to live with” (single guests should arrive with vouchers for couples’ therapy).
To whoever wrote this: I’m sorry someone hurt you so badly in your past. I recognize that marriage is a solemn affair, but it’s not the grim death march you seem to want to portray. I’m going to have a little fun at my wedding, thank you very much.
I received a digital ARC from the publisher via Edelweiss+.
There are some good points in this book (no one is perfect, you will both learn from and teach your partner, etc.), and the tone in the beginning is harsh but fair. I was willing to go where it was leading, but it just got stranger and stranger as I kept going. It got to the point where I wondered if I had been tricked into reading some kind of satire.
Some of the things described sound like the bitter divorced person’s equivalent of a Festivus-style wedding. There’s an emotional prenuptial contract and The Book of Imperfections…and that’s before the ceremony, which should be conducted by an officiant “filled with pity and tenderness” who “will have something of the gravity and kindness of a radiologist who thinks you can be cured, but knows you face a lengthy and grim sequence of treatments.” And after both partners admit that they are “failed and broken” and have read excerpts from their Book of Imperfections to the congregation (followed by a reading, music that is “openly sorrowful and plaintive,” and many other events), they are to kiss in a “solemn gesture.”
And don’t think you get to have any fun at the reception either! There should be conversation menus for the guests so they can have deep discussions about marriage and relationships instead of “simply chatting,” speeches should refrain from jokes or any humor (“You are here to provide information”), and presents should be accompanied “with an account of why [the guest’s] own marriage or relationships are difficult and why they are themselves awkward people to live with” (single guests should arrive with vouchers for couples’ therapy).
To whoever wrote this: I’m sorry someone hurt you so badly in your past. I recognize that marriage is a solemn affair, but it’s not the grim death march you seem to want to portray. I’m going to have a little fun at my wedding, thank you very much.
I received a digital ARC from the publisher via Edelweiss+.
September 20, 2023
I'm ambiguous about this book. Yes, definitely covers many important points about expectations from marriage and the partner, but só many other points I'm absolutely wtf about - invite ANYONE AND EVERYONE? Who can afford it and why would you? Just why? And the ceremony bits which might as well be at a funeral with the atmosphere? I would be curious to know whether anyone has really gone through with the ceremony they describe there.
As said, some interesting bits and good references and ideas what to include, but it felt so out of the current society and social norms by far. And budget. Definitely out of my budget.
As said, some interesting bits and good references and ideas what to include, but it felt so out of the current society and social norms by far. And budget. Definitely out of my budget.
December 29, 2020
This book was sealed in the store because if you were to leaf through it you'd never buy it. The whole thing is about how marriage is a prison we enter so that we can commit to our partners, since we can only be kept by the fact that a marriage is a pain to break.
It seems like whoever reads this hates marriage and has never had a healthy relationship in their lives.
The ceremony they suggest has audience sections including one where they tell the couple that they are terrible.
This is a horrible book that was given to me and my fiance by someone who did not read it first. I don't fault them because they couldn't read it first but holy crap is it an awful thing to give someone who's getting married
It seems like whoever reads this hates marriage and has never had a healthy relationship in their lives.
The ceremony they suggest has audience sections including one where they tell the couple that they are terrible.
This is a horrible book that was given to me and my fiance by someone who did not read it first. I don't fault them because they couldn't read it first but holy crap is it an awful thing to give someone who's getting married
September 4, 2021
My fav quotes (not a review):
-Page 33 |
"If extraordinary sex is a priority, we should never get married. The largest generalisation we can make of marriage is that sex will decline within it. This isn’t a sign that we have made a mistake, but that we are succeeding at long-term commitment."
-Page 34 |
"Far from being the ideal expression of mutual love, sex will become a battlefield of grievances, reproaches and bitterness. It will, most evenings, feel much easier just to read a book."
-Page 35 |
"We’ll feel certain that we’d split up if it wasn’t for the children – although it’s primarily the presence of children that will render the idea of divorce so attractive."
-Page 36 |
"The relief of honesty is at the heart of the feeling of being in love. A sense of mutual conspiracy underlies the touch of pity that every new couple feels for the rest of humanity."
-Page 59 |
"The couple are exchanging photographs of one another from childhood. We naturally act towards a child with a spirit of love that we often find it hard to adopt towards adults."
-Page 59 |
"Will you now exchange the ritual gifts of charity? Each partner exchanges a framed photograph of themselves as a child. The photographs are beautifully framed; they are important gifts."
-Page 33 |
"If extraordinary sex is a priority, we should never get married. The largest generalisation we can make of marriage is that sex will decline within it. This isn’t a sign that we have made a mistake, but that we are succeeding at long-term commitment."
-Page 34 |
"Far from being the ideal expression of mutual love, sex will become a battlefield of grievances, reproaches and bitterness. It will, most evenings, feel much easier just to read a book."
-Page 35 |
"We’ll feel certain that we’d split up if it wasn’t for the children – although it’s primarily the presence of children that will render the idea of divorce so attractive."
-Page 36 |
"The relief of honesty is at the heart of the feeling of being in love. A sense of mutual conspiracy underlies the touch of pity that every new couple feels for the rest of humanity."
-Page 59 |
"The couple are exchanging photographs of one another from childhood. We naturally act towards a child with a spirit of love that we often find it hard to adopt towards adults."
-Page 59 |
"Will you now exchange the ritual gifts of charity? Each partner exchanges a framed photograph of themselves as a child. The photographs are beautifully framed; they are important gifts."
August 18, 2020
This book is so negative. I bought it thinking it would have an open minded tone with some ideas to alternative factors in a wedding and marriage but it really doesn't. I had to check the front cover again to make sure I didn't miss read it saying how NOT to get married because it seemed like that is what it was promoting.
June 17, 2023
The book opens with some beautiful writing on love, marriage, and what it means in realistic terms. The following chapters architect a wedding ceremony that sounds hokey at best, and like the mark of a slow disappointing journey to death at worst. I am still wondering what happened.
January 1, 2019
Marriage is funny. I'm not married. Likely won't be any time soon.
But I've been fascinated about why people get married the way that they do, and happened upon this book that promises to explore just that.
The first chunk of the book explores the meaning and intentions behind marriage, which there was a lot there I didn't know about. I'm not big on ceremony or grandiose ideas. I lean towards practical. The author highlights what goes into a marriage ceremony, what different acts represent... that was cool, if for no other reason than to decide you do or don't care about any particular one.
The middle of the book explores a lot of very practical relationship advice. It quickly cuts through the fairy-tale wedding and marriage ideas, and gets straight to pushing the reader to recognize the efforts that go into having a "successful" marriage (aka, staying together).
The last bit of the book combines those two parts and offers a ceremony that fits these new ideals – one that introduces certain ceremonies to help the two people getting married (along with the guests) to recognize the weight behind the event taking place and ultimately the decision to get married.
There were parts of the offered ceremony itself that were neat and parts that sort of fell flat on me, but what was really neat is that it's the only resource I've come across that was critical (not positive, not negative - just critical) about the process and ceremony of marriage (albeit, I haven't looked hard, but..). It's nice to have something that differs from the weddings I've been to, to help guide what it is that I might be interested in myself.
For a short book (~130 pgs), it provided quite a lot to chew on.
But I've been fascinated about why people get married the way that they do, and happened upon this book that promises to explore just that.
The first chunk of the book explores the meaning and intentions behind marriage, which there was a lot there I didn't know about. I'm not big on ceremony or grandiose ideas. I lean towards practical. The author highlights what goes into a marriage ceremony, what different acts represent... that was cool, if for no other reason than to decide you do or don't care about any particular one.
The middle of the book explores a lot of very practical relationship advice. It quickly cuts through the fairy-tale wedding and marriage ideas, and gets straight to pushing the reader to recognize the efforts that go into having a "successful" marriage (aka, staying together).
The last bit of the book combines those two parts and offers a ceremony that fits these new ideals – one that introduces certain ceremonies to help the two people getting married (along with the guests) to recognize the weight behind the event taking place and ultimately the decision to get married.
There were parts of the offered ceremony itself that were neat and parts that sort of fell flat on me, but what was really neat is that it's the only resource I've come across that was critical (not positive, not negative - just critical) about the process and ceremony of marriage (albeit, I haven't looked hard, but..). It's nice to have something that differs from the weddings I've been to, to help guide what it is that I might be interested in myself.
For a short book (~130 pgs), it provided quite a lot to chew on.
February 12, 2025
The second star was earned in the first chapter of the book. It starts off with useful insight on human psychology and what unique opportunities a marriage has to offer on becoming a better person. Then it gets very weird in the practical chapters on the ceremony etc. If it would have been delivered with more humour and recognition that no person would ACTUALLY do all of the stuff in this book it might be good. However, now it completely fails to convince someone to hold a ceremony as described in this book.
May 10, 2023
A view against romanticism. I believe this should not be read as a practical guidebook, but as a theoretical framework for a more realistic view on marriage, relationships, and the self.
October 20, 2025
ركز على جزئية اختيار الشريك .
February 16, 2025
Whoever wrote this book is extremely unhappy in their marriage.
I think the book does deserve one star because there are some good points. The first third of the book gives off a realist viewpoint of marriage - points like none of us are perfect, we should both teach and be willing to learn from our partner, etc. There are a few good points on how to make a non-religious ceremony feel important and sacred.
Then the book goes off the rails in the ceremony section. Every section makes marriage sound like a death march. The ceremony guidelines are so morose, somber, and just straight up strange! Like another reviewer, I eventually thought the book was a satire I had been tricked into reading. Some suggestions are genuinely so absurd. They suggest that single guests should gift “vouchers for couples’ therapy, to contribute to the enormous sum that will have to be spent on therapy over the lifetime of any decent marriage.” Like, what??
I hope this author finds some happiness in their life because it is clearly missing.
I think the book does deserve one star because there are some good points. The first third of the book gives off a realist viewpoint of marriage - points like none of us are perfect, we should both teach and be willing to learn from our partner, etc. There are a few good points on how to make a non-religious ceremony feel important and sacred.
Then the book goes off the rails in the ceremony section. Every section makes marriage sound like a death march. The ceremony guidelines are so morose, somber, and just straight up strange! Like another reviewer, I eventually thought the book was a satire I had been tricked into reading. Some suggestions are genuinely so absurd. They suggest that single guests should gift “vouchers for couples’ therapy, to contribute to the enormous sum that will have to be spent on therapy over the lifetime of any decent marriage.” Like, what??
I hope this author finds some happiness in their life because it is clearly missing.
February 9, 2022
This is an amazing book for those planning to get married.
We are raised on the Romantic view of love, filling us with a dreamy idea of what marriage will be like. This helps burst that bubble.
Those that have read it and hate it are not enjoying their parade being rained on. Reality isn’t always fun. I suggest only those who are truly ready to get a new, realistic of marriage read this.
This book acknowledges each partner’s brokenness, that this is no “right” person, and talks of what it will take to make a marriage flourish.
This comes with beautiful vows of being steadfast in loyalty, humility, charity, and commitment to re-enchantment.
Uniquely, it also comforts that your future struggles in marriage will not be unique. You won’t be alone in those future difficulties.
This is an amazing tool with ideas for before, during, and after the ceremony that you can incorporate into your own plans. I, myself, plan to take a good many ideas with me.
We are raised on the Romantic view of love, filling us with a dreamy idea of what marriage will be like. This helps burst that bubble.
Those that have read it and hate it are not enjoying their parade being rained on. Reality isn’t always fun. I suggest only those who are truly ready to get a new, realistic of marriage read this.
This book acknowledges each partner’s brokenness, that this is no “right” person, and talks of what it will take to make a marriage flourish.
This comes with beautiful vows of being steadfast in loyalty, humility, charity, and commitment to re-enchantment.
Uniquely, it also comforts that your future struggles in marriage will not be unique. You won’t be alone in those future difficulties.
This is an amazing tool with ideas for before, during, and after the ceremony that you can incorporate into your own plans. I, myself, plan to take a good many ideas with me.
Read
March 16, 2024Well, that was interesting. This book seemed to consist of four parts, each with a different goal and tone of voice:
1. A cynical, almost pessimist, secular view of marriage
2. A very healthy view of long-term relationships and how you can incorporate this view when preparing to get married
3. An alternative secular marriage ceremony that Very Seriously emphasizes the challenges of marriages and flaws and imperfections of humans in general. This bit reads like satire and judging from the GoodReads reviews, confuses people to no end. Also contains suggestions for additional wedding night vows and how to celebrate the wedding party.
4. A short peptalk for people currently experiencing a marital crisis.
I thought the book was well-written (highly condensed prose), and that it contains enough philosophical non-cliche suggestions to be inspiring. It was occassionally hilarious, although I'm still not sure that's what the authors intended.
1. A cynical, almost pessimist, secular view of marriage
2. A very healthy view of long-term relationships and how you can incorporate this view when preparing to get married
3. An alternative secular marriage ceremony that Very Seriously emphasizes the challenges of marriages and flaws and imperfections of humans in general. This bit reads like satire and judging from the GoodReads reviews, confuses people to no end. Also contains suggestions for additional wedding night vows and how to celebrate the wedding party.
4. A short peptalk for people currently experiencing a marital crisis.
I thought the book was well-written (highly condensed prose), and that it contains enough philosophical non-cliche suggestions to be inspiring. It was occassionally hilarious, although I'm still not sure that's what the authors intended.
March 28, 2021
This book was so weird. About halfway in I became convinced this was written and published by a cult, so I had to find out what “The School of Life” was all about. It led me down a rabbit hole of detractors criticizing the founder of The School of Life, Alain de Botton. Apparently this charismatic entrepreneur and educator is known to intentionally misrepresent ideologies of philosophers as well as history in general in order to better support his own philosophies, to the point of turning education into propaganda. It was a fun side quest that helped explain the high-handed tone of the author. But rather than being an exploration into the philosophy of marriage or even a practical guide of useful advice, this book is almost a parody of the pessimistic divorcée or unhappily-married older gentleman you don’t want at your wedding, but with more numbered lists.
September 10, 2019
This a good meditation on marriage, why we have a ceremony and a party to mark the occasion. I liked the bits pointing out the noumenal vs phenomenal. As a huge fan of the School of Life publishing and YouTube channel, I read it already being familiar with the practical, sweet, but kinda pessimistic view of love and human nature. If you are looking for a way to have a romantic and personalized event, this is not the book for you. The cover is grey for a reason: its pretty philosophical and is pitched as an antidote to the romanticism of marriage ceremonies. I think the videos are a better delivery device for the important ideas, and a wedding is time for hyperbolic romance. The philosophy bits can be a personal project for the couple, if they're so inclined.
May 21, 2025
الكتاب ليس لنا.. فيه القليل عما هو مفيد. هذه مشكلة الكاتب الملحد الذي يريد أن يرى الأشياء جميعاً دون مرجعية دينية من أي نوع. لابد أن يظهر الخلل.
March 3, 2025
Read this after getting married so didn’t have a chance to incorporate the bat-shit wedding ideas such as inviting guests you find scary and getting everyone to repeat depressing mantras about the terror of marriage like a bizarre cult.
The first part is good though!!
Was this written by two people? Is the latter part satire? I appreciate the commitment to the concept but cannot believe there was no acknowledgement that no one wants to have or attend a wedding which is basically being carried out like a funeral.
The first part is good though!!
Was this written by two people? Is the latter part satire? I appreciate the commitment to the concept but cannot believe there was no acknowledgement that no one wants to have or attend a wedding which is basically being carried out like a funeral.
February 17, 2024
I found this book nice until about 70 pages in. Then it turned into an interesting take on how a wedding ceremony should go. A little too morose to have on a day of celebration (and I guess that is where this book was headed). Some things should be kept between the two people getting married I think... not displayed out for everyone to see at the ceremony.
Just my two cents... do not get this as a gift for someone who is getting married...
Just my two cents... do not get this as a gift for someone who is getting married...
May 3, 2021
The first half of the book is excellent, I was about to tell all my friends that everyone should read this book. But then the bizarre ceremony suggestion starts and just keeps getting crazier and crazier, I kept expecting it to say “oh, just kidding, but how did that make you feel?”. It didn’t. So 5 stars for the first half of the book, 1 for the rest.
October 8, 2021
Yikes. I was expecting this to be good but it was creepy and super negative. There were some solid points about accepting that we are all flawed but the suggestions for the wedding ceremony were shockingly awful. I can’t even imagine if anyone actually used the script they provided. Dang. Seriously. This was just bad.
September 3, 2021
Some very insightful parts, some very awkward parts, and decent stuff in between. A worthy read, though one eyebrow might get overly exercised.
November 20, 2021
Other than some interesting ideas here and there, the book makes the marriage ceremony feel somber and grave.
Read
August 22, 2024قد يكون جيد كفكرة عامة
ولكن معظم افكار الكتاب لا تناسب الثقافة العربية
ولكن معظم افكار الكتاب لا تناسب الثقافة العربية
April 5, 2025
فقط لأجل الجزء النظري من الكتاب الباقي هراء
April 15, 2023
This book was just a bit weird, if I'm honest. I absolutely agree with the author's general ethic of marriage, and his advice was good advice. However, when the author started to offer suggestions in terms of rituals, liturgies, vows, etc, it was just a bit odd.
I was particularly bewildered that in the wedding ceremony, the author suggested that the couple look at one another and vow in front of everyone, "I will try my best not to have an affair". I mean, what on earth is that? That's just one of many examples where the author said something I thought a bit odd, and lost my confidence in their judgement.
Another example would be where the author suggested placing conversation cards down on the tables at the reception, with questions those around the table can ask one another. The questions included things like, "what are some of the greatest difficulties in your current relationship?" In what world is that an appropriate question to ask someone, especially at a wedding, and especially when the author seemed to think one should be sat with strangers?
A third example; the author did a whole bit about how the reason you invite many guests is not to have them share your special day with you, but in order to intimidate yourself out of having a divorce, because that would be embarrassing. Although there may obviously be some truth in that, the author just wrote about it in such a weird way. The structure of the service the author proposed was very solemn, even miserable. Then the author suggested doing three weird liturgical ritual things during the service, one of which was called the "re-enchantment vow". I can't remember what the other two were called, because I've already discarded the book.
It is a shame, because there was some genuine gold and good advice in this book, especially with regards to the ethics of marriage. Unfortunately, though, it was spoiled by the section in which the author started offering suggestions regarding liturgies and rituals. It was all just a bit too odd.
I was particularly bewildered that in the wedding ceremony, the author suggested that the couple look at one another and vow in front of everyone, "I will try my best not to have an affair". I mean, what on earth is that? That's just one of many examples where the author said something I thought a bit odd, and lost my confidence in their judgement.
Another example would be where the author suggested placing conversation cards down on the tables at the reception, with questions those around the table can ask one another. The questions included things like, "what are some of the greatest difficulties in your current relationship?" In what world is that an appropriate question to ask someone, especially at a wedding, and especially when the author seemed to think one should be sat with strangers?
A third example; the author did a whole bit about how the reason you invite many guests is not to have them share your special day with you, but in order to intimidate yourself out of having a divorce, because that would be embarrassing. Although there may obviously be some truth in that, the author just wrote about it in such a weird way. The structure of the service the author proposed was very solemn, even miserable. Then the author suggested doing three weird liturgical ritual things during the service, one of which was called the "re-enchantment vow". I can't remember what the other two were called, because I've already discarded the book.
It is a shame, because there was some genuine gold and good advice in this book, especially with regards to the ethics of marriage. Unfortunately, though, it was spoiled by the section in which the author started offering suggestions regarding liturgies and rituals. It was all just a bit too odd.
August 3, 2025
كتاب إرشادي عملي وقيّم للمقبلين على الزواج، وإن كان محدود الانطباق علينا -طبيعيًا- كمسلمين. حيث يغفل الجانب الديني والروحاني لمنظومة الزواج المقدسة.
استغربت التقييمات المنخفضة للكتاب من قبل القراء الأجانب، زاعمين بأن الكتاب سلبي ويصوّر الزواج كعلاقة مقيِّدة ومتطلبة بشكل غير واقعي وتوجب علينا أن نرضى بأقل مما نستحق. علمًا بأن هذا هو الزواج، ليس من الطبيعي افتراض أنه يجب على أي علاقة أن تكون مثالية وهادئة وسعيدة وأن على كل الأزواج أن يكونوا لطفاء ومنسجمين ومُحبّين دائمًا. من المرجّح أن نفقد أعصابنا ونتجهّم في وجوه شركائنا، ونخاف ونقلق ونحتار ونسأل أنفسنا ونعرّض الآخرين للمسائلة أحيانًا.
قد يكون الكتاب خيّب بعض الآمال، فهم يزعمون أن الكاتب هو زوج غير سعيد بحياته ويظن بأن جميع الأزواج لا يجب أن يكونون سعيدين بزواجهم، أو لا يمكنهم ذلك. وأنا أظن بأن الكتاب هدفه أن يجعل القراء يدركون بأن لن يكون كل شيء جميلًا دائمًا، ولا يجب على هذا أن يخيفنا أو ينفرنا من بعض أو من علاقتنا، وكما نحزن ونشعر بالندم في أيام فسنسعد ونشعر بالامتنان في أيام أخرى.
قد تكون بعض اقتراحات مراسم يوم الزواج من ناحية اختيار الموسيقى وخطبة المتحدث ومواضيع أحاديث الضيوف مُبالغ فيها، لكنها اقتراحات فقط وليست فكرة الكتاب الأساسية، والتي هي أننا بشر ضعفاء وخطّاؤون وأزواجنا كذلك، ويجب علينا أن نعذر الآخرين وأن نتعلَّم ونعلِّم كيفية قراءة خرائط شخصياتنا الفريدة وبأن عملية النضج هي طويلة ومعقدة وتحتاج للصبر وهذا ليس أمرًا سيئًا.
ملاحظة: يجب أن يقرأه كلا الزوجان من باب العدل.
استغربت التقييمات المنخفضة للكتاب من قبل القراء الأجانب، زاعمين بأن الكتاب سلبي ويصوّر الزواج كعلاقة مقيِّدة ومتطلبة بشكل غير واقعي وتوجب علينا أن نرضى بأقل مما نستحق. علمًا بأن هذا هو الزواج، ليس من الطبيعي افتراض أنه يجب على أي علاقة أن تكون مثالية وهادئة وسعيدة وأن على كل الأزواج أن يكونوا لطفاء ومنسجمين ومُحبّين دائمًا. من المرجّح أن نفقد أعصابنا ونتجهّم في وجوه شركائنا، ونخاف ونقلق ونحتار ونسأل أنفسنا ونعرّض الآخرين للمسائلة أحيانًا.
قد يكون الكتاب خيّب بعض الآمال، فهم يزعمون أن الكاتب هو زوج غير سعيد بحياته ويظن بأن جميع الأزواج لا يجب أن يكونون سعيدين بزواجهم، أو لا يمكنهم ذلك. وأنا أظن بأن الكتاب هدفه أن يجعل القراء يدركون بأن لن يكون كل شيء جميلًا دائمًا، ولا يجب على هذا أن يخيفنا أو ينفرنا من بعض أو من علاقتنا، وكما نحزن ونشعر بالندم في أيام فسنسعد ونشعر بالامتنان في أيام أخرى.
قد تكون بعض اقتراحات مراسم يوم الزواج من ناحية اختيار الموسيقى وخطبة المتحدث ومواضيع أحاديث الضيوف مُبالغ فيها، لكنها اقتراحات فقط وليست فكرة الكتاب الأساسية، والتي هي أننا بشر ضعفاء وخطّاؤون وأزواجنا كذلك، ويجب علينا أن نعذر الآخرين وأن نتعلَّم ونعلِّم كيفية قراءة خرائط شخصياتنا الفريدة وبأن عملية النضج هي طويلة ومعقدة وتحتاج للصبر وهذا ليس أمرًا سيئًا.
ملاحظة: يجب أن يقرأه كلا الزوجان من باب العدل.
July 6, 2025
الزواج حشود متوافدة ولكن في يوم الزفاف فقط
بعدها تنتقل تلك الحشود إلى ذهني الزوجين ، يؤرشفان بموجبهم كل قراراتهم وبشكل غير منطقي مهما استندا على أسس تدعي عكس ذلك
البقاء سوياً ؟ حسناً ليروا أننا سعداء
الانفصال ؟ لذيعه تماماً ليعرفوا أننا شخصيات لم تطق بعضها
الانجاب ؟ تماماً لنقلد الخلود ونكون من لن ينقطع استخلافهم
هذا الكتاب لا يفيد في أي شيء !
لو أعطيته شخصان على وشك الاقتران ببعضهما لطبقوا توصيات لن تفيد في مستقبل الزواج ، كل ما يركز عليه نقاط فجة سيكون من الطريف جداً لو فعلناها على الواقع
خاصة في المشرق العربي !
حباً بالله من سيسمح لمتعهد حفل الزفاف باختراق البدايات الزوجية للزوجين عبر كتابتهما مثالبها وإشاعتها للمدعوين من أجل ضمان المكوث سوياً حتى لو تعذر الاتفاق فقط لأنهم شهدوا على تعهدهما بقبول مغامز بعضهما وسيذكرونك كلما رأوك صدفةً بالخارج لو انفصلتما بليلة الزفاف ! أي عقلية مبتسرة تلك وأي قوارض دعوتما لزفافكما ؟
لدى العرب ثقافة وإباء واتساع في هذا المحور لا يعادل الثقافة الأجنبية بل يفوقها ونصائح الجدات والأمهات منقطعة النظير ولا يناهزها كتاب غربي كهذا
لو أعطيته أمي وأبي اللذان ستحل ذكرى زواجهما الخامسة والعشرين غداً فلن يعدو هذا الكتاب سوى مرتبة توضع عليها المزهرية إلّم يكونا صريحان ويرمياه إلى أقرب حاوية لتدوير الورق .
بعدها تنتقل تلك الحشود إلى ذهني الزوجين ، يؤرشفان بموجبهم كل قراراتهم وبشكل غير منطقي مهما استندا على أسس تدعي عكس ذلك
البقاء سوياً ؟ حسناً ليروا أننا سعداء
الانفصال ؟ لذيعه تماماً ليعرفوا أننا شخصيات لم تطق بعضها
الانجاب ؟ تماماً لنقلد الخلود ونكون من لن ينقطع استخلافهم
هذا الكتاب لا يفيد في أي شيء !
لو أعطيته شخصان على وشك الاقتران ببعضهما لطبقوا توصيات لن تفيد في مستقبل الزواج ، كل ما يركز عليه نقاط فجة سيكون من الطريف جداً لو فعلناها على الواقع
خاصة في المشرق العربي !
حباً بالله من سيسمح لمتعهد حفل الزفاف باختراق البدايات الزوجية للزوجين عبر كتابتهما مثالبها وإشاعتها للمدعوين من أجل ضمان المكوث سوياً حتى لو تعذر الاتفاق فقط لأنهم شهدوا على تعهدهما بقبول مغامز بعضهما وسيذكرونك كلما رأوك صدفةً بالخارج لو انفصلتما بليلة الزفاف ! أي عقلية مبتسرة تلك وأي قوارض دعوتما لزفافكما ؟
لدى العرب ثقافة وإباء واتساع في هذا المحور لا يعادل الثقافة الأجنبية بل يفوقها ونصائح الجدات والأمهات منقطعة النظير ولا يناهزها كتاب غربي كهذا
لو أعطيته أمي وأبي اللذان ستحل ذكرى زواجهما الخامسة والعشرين غداً فلن يعدو هذا الكتاب سوى مرتبة توضع عليها المزهرية إلّم يكونا صريحان ويرمياه إلى أقرب حاوية لتدوير الورق .
July 4, 2025
يتطلب العديد من المشاريع المستحقة تضحيات هائلة من كل الطرفين، ومن طبيعة مثل هذه التضحيات أننا نقدمها على الأرجح للأشخاص الذين يقدمونها لنا أيضا.
الإعداد الرئيسي الذي نحتاجه ليس عمليا، بل فلسفيا. فنحن بحاجة إلى فهم أنفسنا وشركاؤنا ومؤسسة الزواج وطبيعة الحب، وفهم ما نتجه إليه والذهنية الصحيحة للرحلة بشكل صحيح.
السمات المزعجة لشريكنا لها جذورها في الطفولة، قبل وقت طويل من لقائنا.
الزواج مشروع عملي بعمق. وهو أقرب إلى محاولة إدارة شركة صغيرة معا، مشروع يتضمن مسائل الملكية والتموين وجولات العطلات، والترفيه، وحضانة الأطفال والديكور المنزلي.
أفضل قيمة نقدمها لأطفالنا: إعدادهم للواقع.
راحة الصدق هي جوهر الشعور بالحب.
حفل الزواج ليست لحظة خاصة.
يتطلب الزواج بشكل حاسم، قمع جوانب معينة من تفردك من أجل الانسجام.
ليس ثمة ما هو أصعب من قسرنا على أن نكون سعداء بذاتنا ولذاتنا.
مع مرور الوقت سنعيش من أجل الآخرين وأن مزاجنا لن يكون دائما هو الغاية.
نقاط الضعف في الوقع، هي جزء لا يتجزأ من نقاط القوة.
البشر مخلوقات قابلة للتكيف.
لا أحد يفهم أي شخص آخر حقا.
أسوأ أفكارك ما هي الا أفكار.
الإعداد الرئيسي الذي نحتاجه ليس عمليا، بل فلسفيا. فنحن بحاجة إلى فهم أنفسنا وشركاؤنا ومؤسسة الزواج وطبيعة الحب، وفهم ما نتجه إليه والذهنية الصحيحة للرحلة بشكل صحيح.
السمات المزعجة لشريكنا لها جذورها في الطفولة، قبل وقت طويل من لقائنا.
الزواج مشروع عملي بعمق. وهو أقرب إلى محاولة إدارة شركة صغيرة معا، مشروع يتضمن مسائل الملكية والتموين وجولات العطلات، والترفيه، وحضانة الأطفال والديكور المنزلي.
أفضل قيمة نقدمها لأطفالنا: إعدادهم للواقع.
راحة الصدق هي جوهر الشعور بالحب.
حفل الزواج ليست لحظة خاصة.
يتطلب الزواج بشكل حاسم، قمع جوانب معينة من تفردك من أجل الانسجام.
ليس ثمة ما هو أصعب من قسرنا على أن نكون سعداء بذاتنا ولذاتنا.
مع مرور الوقت سنعيش من أجل الآخرين وأن مزاجنا لن يكون دائما هو الغاية.
نقاط الضعف في الوقع، هي جزء لا يتجزأ من نقاط القوة.
البشر مخلوقات قابلة للتكيف.
لا أحد يفهم أي شخص آخر حقا.
أسوأ أفكارك ما هي الا أفكار.
February 28, 2021
Initially, I thought that the book is an attempt to a paint a realistic version of what a "marriage" is.
Having read this now, I believe it is more about communicating the trickier aspects of marriage that could will be easily overlooked, hard to deal with or have wrong expectations to begin with.
Enjoyed reading it overall but for a realistic view, it is missing out on the more encouraging aspects.
The vow's sections for example, just by itself it paints a rather gloomy picture.
By the end of it, I could appreciate the role of marriage as a social institution and made me rethink my views about grand marriage ceremonies.
Having read this now, I believe it is more about communicating the trickier aspects of marriage that could will be easily overlooked, hard to deal with or have wrong expectations to begin with.
Enjoyed reading it overall but for a realistic view, it is missing out on the more encouraging aspects.
The vow's sections for example, just by itself it paints a rather gloomy picture.
By the end of it, I could appreciate the role of marriage as a social institution and made me rethink my views about grand marriage ceremonies.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews