Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing

by Jay Stringer

More than 100,000 copies sold“Without rival, the best book on broken sexuality I have ever read.” —Dan B. Allender, PhDMany of us feel ashamed and undesirable after years of sexual brokenness and addiction. The guilt and stigma surrounding sexual struggles can paralyze us and keep us from seeking help and healing. Author Jay Stringer approaches these sensitive subjects with gentleness and understanding.Based on original research from over 3,800 men and women, Unwanted is a groundbreaking resource that explores the “why” behind self-destructive sexual choices in order to help readers work towards freedom. Addressing difficult issues with compassionate insight, this book and broken relationshipsTrauma and sexual abuseThe sex industry and pornographyViolence against womenLearning to love and care for yourselfHealthy conflict and repair in your relationshipsInvesting in communityCreating healthy boundariesA perfect resource for those seeking self-help or those working to minister to the sexually broken people around them, Unwanted offers life-changing, practical guidance rooted in clinical evidence to light the way on a path to wholeness.“If you’re hungry for deep healing or searching for practical ways to help others heal . . . this will be an incredibly sharp tool in your tool belt!” —Shannon Ethridge, MA, author of Every Woman’s Battle“Unwanted demonstrates a depth of insight and wisdom that I found stunning! It will truly help many come out of their shame and finally be free.” —Dr. Ted Roberts, cofounder of Pure Desire Ministries“Unwanted is a courageous, insightful work that will undoubtedly equip many on the journey to freedom.” —Dr. Juli Slattery, cofounder of Authentic Intimacy and author of Rethinking Sexuality

Genres: Christian, Sexuality, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Counselling, Christianity

263 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 4, 2018

About the author

Therapist · Researcher · Author

I believe your struggles are the beginning of your story, not the end.

I’m Jay Stringer—a licensed mental health counselor and researcher. For 15+ years I’ve helped thousands make sense of unwanted patterns and unmet longings and turn them into a path for healing and growth. My work equips you to read your story and form desire into your greatest ally.

What I do:
I help people engage the forces shaping their desire, sexuality, and relationships so they can move toward lives of freedom, connection, and meaning. My practice and programs focus on the patterns we most want to change—pornography use, affairs, low desire, conflict, and relational distance—and the longings underneath them.

Research & writing:
I’m the author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing (100,000+ readers), grounded in a study of nearly 4,000 adults and used by clinicians and communities worldwide. My forthcoming book, Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow (Random House, 2026), offers a new framework for five core longings—wholeness, growth, intimacy, pleasure, and meaning—and shows how to form desire into a force that restores connection and purpose.

Education:
MA in Counseling Psychology and MDiv, The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. Trained in both counseling psychology and spiritual formation; integrates trauma-informed care, adult development, and narrative work.

I live in New York City with my wife, Heather, and our two children.

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Reviews

[Josh · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW, this book is OUTSTANDING!!! Once I started to read, I didn't want to put it down, and I finished it in just a few days. Jay Stringer takes the conversation about sexual brokenness FAR BEYOND all the books I've read on this topic, all the online recovery programs I've seen, all the podcasts & YouTube videos, all the efforts of men's small groups at church. AND, he gets to the HEART of the matter: the reasons we seek out unwanted sexual behavior in the first place AND the reasons we continue going back to it. Then he casts a vision every soul is longing for, not only to get rid of unwanted sexual behavior, but what it would look like to miraculously thrive & live the beautifully abundant life God is deeply longing for us to have.

For almost 20 years, I've been jumping through all the hoops these other people prescribed as the path to freedom, and yet, in the back of my mind, I KNEW those hoops weren't REAL answers. A popular book I read many years ago said I should "bounce my eyes" away from temptation and "corral the wild mustangs of lust" in my mind. I was disappointed because I knew those things were nothing but a band-aid on a bullet wound, and those same attempts of behavior modification & trying to manage sin with human strength continue to this day to be the primary strategy to get rid of unwanted sexual behavior. They DON'T work!!
See Galatians 3:3:
"How foolish can you be? After starting your new lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?"

There IS another way! Jay invites us to #ListenToYourLust because it "reveals the stories within us that await love." By identifying & addressing the painful experiences in our formative years and the difficulties in our present lives, we can find our way to TRUE freedom & learn to enjoy REAL beauty. GET this book!! It's THE ONE you've been searching for!!

[Ben House · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having become acquainted with Jay Stringer, I was able to receive a copy of his book Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. It is published by NavPress. It can be purchased from Hearts and Minds Books, which is where I first learned of this book.
Let's just be honest: I did not want to read this book and I didn't like it. For that reason, I highly recommend it. I even think I need to read it again. I certainly believe that pastors, counselors, school teachers, and many other folks should read it as well.
Here is why I didn't like it: I would really like to think and believe that sexual brokenness (which includes pornography use, sexual addiction, abuse from the past, marital unfaithfulness, etc.) didn't exist. Or, at least I would like to think that it only hits a few folks, especially those who are far from having any semblance of Christian or traditional values. I prefer for such talk and topics to be out of sight and out of mind. Let's just think of good things instead.
But I have served as a pastor and elder in a church. I have taught students. I have family, friends, and community. I have been awake and sometimes brutally awakened. People you and I know have been broken by sexual problems. Damaged people, hurting families, fill our churches, sit in our classrooms desks, gather with us on holidays, cross paths with us daily, and live next door to us. Some of the sexually broken and hurt people look at some of you from the mirror each day.
This is not a "some are weak and some are strong" issue. We are all fragile pottery. It you have not been cracked, broken, chipped, or shattered, it is only because God has graciously protected you on the shelf. But some who are whole are perilously close to the edge of the shelf. There is not falling and surviving.
I often say and truly believe that Sigmund Freud was one of the greatest blessings given to the Christian church. I believe that he was wrong in his presuppositions, wrong in his overall worldview, badly wrong in his rejection of God, and wrong in his prescriptions. But he did awaken the world to the impact of the subconscious, the role of memories, the impact of experiences (particularly bad and sexually warped experiences), and the connection of the psyche to the body and soul.
Jay Stringer "is a licensed mental health counselor, ordained minister, and nationally requested speaker on the subject of unwanted sexual behavior (i.e., extra-marital affairs, pornography, buying sex, and others)." The book is based on many experiences in dealing with counselees and on research he conducted using responses from around 3,800 people. He has not sat in a tower thinking through these matters, although he has given the contents lots of thought. This man speaks from the trenches.
I wish I could compare this book with others on the same problems and compare its pro's and con's. Dr. Dan Allender says that this book is "without rival, the best book on broken sexuality I have read." For me, and this is public confession of a pastoral sin, this is the first book I have read on this topic. But again to call on church and Christian leaders, we need to be reading these kinds of unpleasant books. Sure, there is someone in the church who is wanting some theological advice about the end times, but there are many people, I would venture to say, in every church who is or has been or will be damaged by sexual problems.
An emphasis of this book is that the church or community has to do more than just call down judgment on sinful behavior. That being said, yes, we have to be faithful to the Scriptures and call sin what it is. We have to preach repentance, a changed life, confession of sins, and restoration. But the damaged people need more. People with bad marriages or who have children running wild need more than an exhortation or rebuke from the pulpit. Christian living is more putting on than putting off. It may take 10 years to correct 5 years of bad marriage. If a married couple both grew up in bad marriages, it might take longer. The same is true for sexual brokenness. It is not a case of "one repentance fits and cures all." Discipleship is a not a one-time treatment.
Much is often said about accountability partners for people struggling with sexual sins. While there are benefits to such approaches, Stringer emphasizes how more is needed than someone to be your personal priest for confessional (that is my description). People have to find renewed life, involvement, goals, dreams, and action pulling and pushing them toward these changes.

There is no way I would set up myself as one ready to help others in this field. Anytime when I was a pastor and we were dealing with brokenness, I felt so empty and helpless. But being unequipped is unacceptable for the pastor, the teacher, and the concerned Christian.
As long as we are in a sinful world, we are going to have to confront books and topics we don't like. Yes, I didn't like this book. It is really good. Get it and read it.

[Colin · Rating 5 out of 5]

There will be longer and more thorough reviews out there. I'll save you some time and say that if you've landed on this review, you want to read this book. It redefined so many categories for me. It has been the first book I've read that talks about sexuality in a whole sense not just a pure/impure sense. I plan to go back to many of the chapters to work through the assignments. I trust they will be helpful as I grow and heal.

[Joshua Schwisow · Rating 2 out of 5]

Jay Stringer wants his readers to better understand how their past shaped their present struggles with sin. That is an admirable goal, and there are aspects of Stringer's book that are helpful. His survey data does reveal certain common patterns. Understanding those patterns may bring some clarity.

When it comes to past sins committed against us, it is important to analyze how we respond to those past sins. Do we respond to those past sins by justifying our own sinful responses, or do these past hurts become a catalyst to go to God?

I'm also thankful that Stringer clearly states it is only by the blood of Jesus Christ that we can be cleansed from the guilt and shame of sin. Amen.

However, there are a number of glaring weaknesses in this book. Because of these weaknesses, I cannot recommend the book. When Stringer said early on in the book that "curiosity" about the patterns of your sexual sin is far more useful than a "thousand nights of prayerful despair" I knew that me and the author were not on the same wavelength when it comes to the value of God's means of grace, such as prayer. When a thousand nights of prayer is presented as futile, I'm concerned.

First, Stringer's book claims to be counsel given by a Christian for Christians. But most of Stringer's counsel is informed by clinical and therapeutic terminology rather than shaped by biblical vocabulary and apostolic counsel.

You will find nothing like this in Stringer's book:
5 For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. (Eph. 5:5-6)

The primary problem I have with Stringer's book is that it rarely goes beyond focus on the self, or focus on horizontal relationships. Rarely does Stringer transcend all of this to focus on our relationship with the living God.

You will never find these concepts mentioned in Stringer's book:
- Love for God
- Fear of God

Those two missing concepts (among others) indicates to me that Stringer's book is guided more by secular counseling models and less on what Jesus and the Apostles said about sanctification.

Another key problem in my opinion is this. As far as I can recall in my reading, Stringer never calls sexual sin an expression of our utter selfishness. As a result, Stringer's focus on "self-care" misses the fact that it is our self-focus that was so damaging to us in the first place. We need to get our focus off self, and back on the worship of God, and on sacrificial care for others.

Instead of telling you, like Jesus, to pluck your eye out or cut off your hand, Stringer would have you schedule a "spa-day" or "reserve a table at the very best restaurant in town" in order to shift your sensual desires from sex on to other things in life that don't bring the same kind of brokenness. It is not that enjoying aspects of God's good creation is wrong (far from it). But in this context, the focus is wrong. Where is the call to deny self? Where is the call to give up your life? Where is the call to seek "not one's own" but the needs of others?

There is a place to encourage counselees to pursue better habits such as self-exercise, wise eating, enjoying the flowers, etc. But in my opinion, the modern focus on self-care falls short of how Jesus and the Apostles dealt with matters of sexual sin.

When the author lists "prayer, yoga, and mindfulness" as three habits to consider (apparently all of equal value), you know that the author's view of prayer is quite different from the biblical concept of prayer. Prayer is not an exercise in self-reflection. It is when a man or woman calls upon the name of the living God, asking for help, deliverance, forgiveness, etc. But for Stringer, these three practices are of apparently equal value, since he never distinguishes them in terms of importance.

Another glaring omission: Stringer never once recommends you read the Bible. Whereas Psalm 1 says that the one whose leaves do not wither is the one who meditates on the Word of God day and night, and Jesus says, we live "by every Word that proceeds from the mouth of God," Stringer never says anything about the use of God's Word in the pursuit of change. How else will a Christian man or woman renew their minds if not by the Word of God? I am hopeful that Stringer may have a more positive view of the value of the Bible. But his failure to even mention it is revealing.

As an alternative to this book, I would recommend John Street's book Passions of the Heart. Street's book is superior I believe, because he recognizes how past/present aspects of our lives play into our sin struggles, but then directs his counsel according to how Scripture directs us to pursue holiness.

[John Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

A few Sundays ago our pastor shared that when you see something that temps you sexually, turn away and say, "I reject that." I've been trying to "reject that" for over 20 years and my heart hasn't made much progress in long term, transformational change when it comes to how I view sex, sexuality, myself and others.

Jay Stringer's book is different. In amazing wisdom, Jay gently leads us to be curious about our sexual fantasies. Helping us to ask questions about where our struggles come from and why we keep coming back to the same place. His goal is bigger than "turning away" it's a new way of viewing our story, ourselves and our impact on people around around us.

What I long for is lasting change in my life and in the lives of my friends that struggle with sexual purity. We want to see lasting change. Jay has the courage to take us there in his new book "unwanted". It's a transformational read that will leave your heart encourage and ready to face evil with the hope of lasting change.

This book has been transformational for me and I highly recommend it to anyone struggling with "unwanted" sexual behaviors.

[Levi Hobbs · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read several books over the years about sexuality, mostly about unhealthy sexuality and how to heal from it. There tends to be two types of such books: those with a Christian bent, also called purity culture books, and those with a therapeutic bent, more based on research and therapy concepts.

In my experience, books in the former camp tend to be misleading and have advice that is a mixture of helpful and patently unhelpful.

Books in the second camp tend to have deep insight but be dense and difficult to read and digest and not necessarily easy to convert to practical takeaways. They tend to be clearly not written from a religious perspective which can be helpful but they also can get really weird in places.

This book, I am happy to say, is an interesting combination of those two camps. It’s based on an original research study done on over 3,000 people with unwanted sexual behaviors.

It was conducted by a Christian pastor in Portland who specializes in this kind of work, but he is openly critical of typical purity culture advice for dealing with unwanted sexual behaviors, which he (correctly, in my opinion) asserts does little to address underlying root problems.

This books whole aim is to help you look at the nature of your unwanted sexual behaviors and be able to trace them to your past trauma and your current needs, have compassion for yourself, and then actually do something to search out healing for your underlying problems. This I found to be refreshing.

There’s a lot of research data in here showing correlations between different unwanted sexual behaviors and correlated specific types of trauma/neglect when the person was a child. This was useful to me to help make sense of some specific sexual behaviors.

There’s a section on getting needs met. He builds on attachment theory. Inevitably, he says, people with unwanted sexual behaviors are doing so because they have needs they suppress and don’t get met because of various unhealthy beliefs about themselves. After the need not getting met for some time, it comes out sideways through compulsive sexual behavior.

It also has some interesting challenges calling us to grater sensuality, not less, by learning to appreciate life through all the senses instead of letting it pass us by.

Overall the messages in this book I found to be much more healing, insightful, and helpful than other books on this topic. I feel pretty comfortable endorsing it. I’m super glad he wrote it and I wish more organizations would to the kind of research that he did to help people draw connections between traumas and sexual behaviors—sex is a slippery beast and the causal links are often not intuitive, but the data doesn’t lie.

And, this book is also quite in line with what I have come to believe is more what I need in my life: less shaming myself (which is actually part of the problem, as he shows with data that growing up in a strict household is the number 1 thing that leads to developing unwanted sexual behaviors) and more compassion and understanding of myself. This has helped me out tremendously.

[Sophia Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Undoubtedly the BEST resource I’ve encountered on unwanted sexual behavior, trauma and addiction. Had we traded my whole graduate seminar on sexuality & sex therapy with a study on this book, we would have had plenty to work with.

Compassion, wisdom, clinical excellence, scholarly excellence, practicality & refreshing honesty out the wazoo.

[Kristi Mast · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book I’ve read on sexual brokenness by far, and one that I’m recommending to many for brokenness in general. Such a refreshingly holistic, kind, wise approach. I learned so much and the group I led with it had only positive things to say. Highly recommend!

[Mitchell Dixon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unwanted is a balm to the anxious soul who has been fighting diligently for purity. Instead of condemning yourself about your unwanted sexual behavior, allow your desires to guide you into your story and healing. With kindness and community growth can happen but only if these are pointing you to who you want to become, not just what behavior you are trying to stop. Please read this, let your heart rest from the toil of your past and explore why you have been acting out in the same ways since your childhood.

[Bishoy Beshay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great insights and a very interesting way to tackle this topic especially that it focuses on the deeper underlying causes of unwanted sexual behavior, their roots and origins. I highlighted many amazing quotes that I think I'll be refering to for a long time. My main issue with this book though was that it wasn't easy to read at all, I read it over 2.5 months and not without difficulty; sometimes I would find myself reading the same paragraph a few times over just to grasp it. After finishing it I just couldn't see very practical solutions to the issue as much as I see a holistic approach that encourages contemplation and introspection which is good but beyond explaining the origins of sexual brokenness, the author didn't provide me with tangible steps to take action with, then again I don't know if that's the goal of the book. The content in this book is very well researched and enriching to any reader but I wouldn't suggest it as the first book to read for someone struggling with unwanted sexual behavior, as there are simpler highly effective resources out there and I consider this book to be a bit advanced and not for the layperson.

[Ross Gilliland · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was probably the most uncomfortable I’ve ever felt reading a book, because of how raw and unfiltered it is. If it hadn’t been recommended by a priest that I respect and trust immensely, I probably would have walked away after the introduction. It is one of the most honest, sincere, and eye-opening books I’ve ever read. It is a must-read for anyone who works with individuals suffering from sexual addiction, who struggles with it themselves, or who just wants to understand this severely misunderstood topic better. The audiobook is free for anyone who has Spotify premium.

“Do you believe sex is ever something that can bridge heaven to earth, instead of earth to hell?”

[Caleb Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5 "it was amazing"

Just really good. Helpful. Relevant. I borderline on going four stars, but it just hit me hard right at the perfect time, so five stars it is. This will be a re-read for sure.

I will eagerly anticipate the next book by Jay Stringer, whenever that may come.

[Quin Strouse · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredible book. It’s the best book I’ve read on sexual brokenness but I also believe it’s one of the best resources on brokenness and addition in general. It’s also a deeply encouraging book and the author points to God’s and others kindness, curiosity, honesty, love, and grace in exploring our brokenness. It’s an amazing resource.

[Brent Isaac · Rating 5 out of 5]

From Richard Rohr in Falling Upward “I do not think you should get rid of your sin until you have learned what it has to teach you”. Jay’s book Unwanted is doing exactly that.

[Lydia Griffith · Rating 5 out of 5]

If we’ve talked for more than 10 minutes in the past month, chances are I’ve told you to read this book. But in case we haven’t talked in the past month: read this book.

[Kendrick Byler · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book very interesting and helpful. It shows how most unwanted sexual behaviors come from some deeper pain and trauma. It's written from a psychological perspective that I found fascinating and helpful. Since I am a numbers guy seeing statistics and case studies helped wrap my mind around it. I also appreciated how Jay Stringer points us to being real, honest, and raw about pain, trauma, and unwanted sexual behaviors. It is refreshing to read of such realness and honesty rather than addressing the surface level issue like I see purity culture do so many times.
I did however disagree with some theological beliefs presented in the book. It appeared to undervalue a reliance on God and instead pushes the reader to self care and community. Although I think each is important I strongly believe the foundation of our identity, healing, and being NEEDS to be reliant on our relationship with God.
All in all I did find this book refreshing and thought provoking and would probably recommend it to most people.

[Maggie Wagler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book does an excellent job addressing the heart of addictions. He digs much deeper than the typical conversations on sex by addressing the heart of humanity— our core motivator for anything. He also provides a helpful perspective on balancing both the shame and honor we encounter when facing our past, present, and future experiences. I found it to be quite a weighty read but also very beautiful and insightful.

[Alexandra Franco · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating. This book is not just a vague accusation towards the broken sexuality of our society, but an in-depth evaluation of human tendencies with real, applicable ways to find understanding and healing. I love the focus on God's divine gift of sexuality, and that as a society, it's not that we are too sexual, it's that we're obsessed with a cheap counterfeit that's not truly sexual at all.

I started reading this book in order to help support and understand a loved one in their journey, but I learned a lot about myself in the process. Jay Stringer does an excellent job of teaching about God's true intent for sexuality and how our childhood and life experiences can shape our tendencies as adults. I think this is a must-read for any Christian, whether you struggle with unwanted sexual behavior or not. Absolutely fantastic book, and honestly a huge relief to read. Sadly, Christian culture has often used shame to coerce people into obedience to God's law, so it was really relieving to read a fresh and doctrinally accurate point of view on the matter. In order to heal, we must come to love ourselves and our stories.

Sensitivity/trigger warning: Some child sexual abuse is detailed in this book and as a sensitive person, I was deeply disturbed. I felt that the anecdotes in the book were mostly helpful and necessary, but it was still tough to read.

[Benjamin Messina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book may profoundly impact many. For others there’s potential for it to be a stumbling block. The first two sections of the book excel at communicating and helping the reader understand the underlying false belief systems in culture and their own life. Many of the core principals are well developed from a position of a biblical worldview, and are definitely a strength of this book.

Although it excels in many of the core principles, I do think the methodology of “how” in the third section could potentially be a stumbling block for others as it flirts with syncretism in some aspects. A large portion of the “how” is fantastic, but I do wonder if sometimes methods or examples were given simply because they’ve worked and not because it has a root or foundation in scripture. Simply because something works, does not mean that it is a biblical method for working through some of these issues addressed. I do think there are some methods that flirt with not caring for the “weaker brother” and take aspects from other world views to make something that works. One of them being a suggestion of doing “prayer or meditation or yoga” as though they should be equal in methodology, when we see scripture routinely point to going to the Lord in prayer (I’d argue meditation has a significantly different connotation and denotation in our culture than in the scriptural references such as in Psalm 1, and I don’t think the author is referring to it in that way; granted I may have misunderstood him, and if I did I apologize.). This is, of course, something that people have argued about, will argue about, and will continue to disagree with me on (yoga/meditation). And maybe that’s nit picky, but for someone coming out of a Hindu or Buddhist culture, this could be extremely confusing and a stumbling block for them. One could also argue it potentially undermines, though subtly, the authority and sufficiency of scripture, but thats a whole other can of worms.

And to clarify, I’m not trying to say Jay is prescribing a specific methodology. I think he clearly communicates in his style of writing that he’s not trying to make an exegetical case for specific methodologies, and that’s ok. Many of them are founded in biblical principles and are great. So please understand I’m not trying to simply find faults and things I disagree with. I just happen to have friends from different backgrounds who have voiced concerns in this regard (yoga/meditation) and have seen a growing trend in Christianity of syncretic approaches in method while holding orthodox and biblical beliefs/principles.

Overall, this book is worth reading. The things mentioned above are relatively small in comparison to some of the immense ways in which Jay communicates the importance of understanding why we sin, “taking every thought captive ”, and “being transformed through the renewal of our minds”.

[Tanner Hawk · Rating 5 out of 5]

"In my view, our self-contempt is not a by-product of unwanted sexual behavior; it is the very aim of it. Through this lens, unwanted sexual behavior is not primarily an attempt to remedy or self-soothe the pain of a wounded child. It is attempting to reenact the formative stories of trauma, abuse, and shame that convinced us we were unwanted to begin with. In other words, we are not addicted primarily to sex or even a disordered intimacy; instead, we are bonded to feelings of shame and judgment" (11).

"It is vital for us to address our sexual brokenness from the standpoint of the dignity of self and the dignity of our longing for connection...Sexuality allows us to turn away from the constant demands of life and turn toward relationships in order to feel less severed, less amputated, and less disconnected in our fragmented world. But sexuality is never complete if it remains inwardly focused" (21-22).

"I have come to understand that people make bad decisions not because of the potential for pleasure but to add additional evidence to their self-judgement" (44).

"A heart with an ounce of kindness for your life story will accomplish so much more for you than a mind filled to the brim with strategies to combat lust" (60).

"If you want to fight, don't fight to eliminate desire; fight to discover meaning" (100).

"It is men who must decide whether to accept a world that will continually demand the sexual degradation and possession of women" (132).

"Pornography is not any less damaging than street prostitution; it merely distances the user from the debasement and exploitation these women undergo everyday" (134).

"The best communities to look for are those that deeply understand the underlying issues associated with unwanted sexual behavior and have a large understanding that recovery is ultimately not about combating the issues of lust but rather cultivating a deeper understanding of the desires, talents, and ambitions God wove into your heart" (206-7).

"The reason most relationships of accountability fail is that a person attempts to regulate the other's behavior without understanding the wider story of struggle in that individual's life" (211).

"For Jesus, obedience is a relational category, not a behavioral one" (214).

"When your life is characterized by a marked absence of delight, adventure, and intimacy with those you love, activities that kill time and hope by offering escape become increasingly central to your identity" (231).

"Men are invited to fight for purity but rarely asked who they want to become" (232).

"The mark of healing is not merely the cessation of problematic behavior but rather a life filled with greater passion, contribution, and purpose" (235).

[Clayton Wagler · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked this book a lot. Many Christian sexuality books seem to focus on reducing immoral behavior. While that’s great, I like how Stringer essentially uses sexual brokenness in particular as a means to understand and pursue a path of holistic healing — beyond just behavioral uprightness. This focus makes the book equally applicable to both men and women, which I think is healthy.

Sometimes I wondered about Stringer’s use of Scripture; it seemed to be used to fit some of his ideas rather than vice versa. But I think he accomplishes his mission to help Christian readers understand “how sexual brokenness reveals our way to healing.” 4.5/5 stars.

[Jared · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a licensed therapist, I’m always looking for resources to recommend to clients and this is definitely the best I’ve come across for difficulties with sexual behaviors.

[Sunny D · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The mark of healing is not merely the cessation of problematic behavior but rather a life filled with greater passion, contribution, and purpose." - Jay Stringer, pg. 235

Just about underlined the whole darn book.

Having been brought up in Focus on the Family's purity culture curriculums, I honestly didn't know there could be such compassionate Christian approaches to sexuality. I really was so pleasantly shocked by the contents. There was a sizeable section modeling healthy community and communication, which I found so helpful. I also found, largely, that the processes of healing Stringer proposes could largely be applied to most areas of unwanted behaviors.

It is such a redemptive, practical, and hopeful read. I was really thrilled with it, honestly.

[Zach Brandt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jay Stringer is currently my favorite voice on the subject of sexual integrity, but honestly, his work is useful in so many areas of life. I hope he writes more on a broad variety of topics. His tone is just so compassionate and hopeful and helpful. I talk about his ideas with all kinds of people and always find it to be a provocative and engaging conversation.

Couple caveats:
- The research he talks about is super interesting, but it’s pretty limited in scope. It’s overwhelmingly based on young, heterosexual men. I think women can learn a ton from this book, but it is definitely most relevant to men.
- Part 3 is the least profound section, but that’s okay. The other stuff is so good it makes up for it.

[Jack Jewett · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolute must-read for anyone struggling with a sexual addiction, has struggled with a sexual addiction, or is counseling people who have struggled with a sexual addiction. Stringer takes a wholistic approach to healing from addictions and centers our focus on the crucial yet forgotten aspects of recovery. Many of these things are counterintuitive, and Stringer also addresses many mistakes the church has made in joining people in recovery. Excellent book !!

[Joanna Gramer · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible and weighty text. Such a helpful lens in viewing the detrimental reality of the sexual brokenness that has stained every crevice of our world. As no man is excused from sin, no man excused from sexual brokenness. But what this book echoes is that freedom and healing are possible because of the Gospel. In Christ we are no longer slaves- we have hope.

[Blase · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was highly recommended to me by two people, and understandbly so.

This book takes a unique angle rarely found in other similar resources.

The author encourages the reader to look beyond mere behavior modification towards deeper, more holistic healing.

[Porter Sprigg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely incredible book. Could not recommend it more!

“A heart with an ounce of kindness for your own life story will accomplish so much more for you than a mind filled to the brim with strategies to combat lust.”

[Tamara M · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to review a book that just touched you on so many levels? I've been reading a lot of books on Sexuality and Sexual Brokeness but Jay has taken it to another level.
He poses an interesting question and explores it throughout the book: 'What if behind our unwanted sexual behavior is a belief that we are unwanted, which further makes us repeat the unwanted behavior?'. Furthermore, what if the core of the problem is actually it's solution? He challenges all the usual methods used to help people break an unwanted sexual habit, not saying that they are useles, but saying that most of them are dealing with the surface (the behavior itself) without digging deep and disarming the root that drives the behavior - and that's why they fail to be an universal remedy for the issue. I just loved the honesty, the seriousness, the heart of the Author and all of the effort he had put into the research behind the book and in the book itself - it speaks volumes and testifies how God has used Jay's brokeness and turned it into something beautiful, valuable, life-changing as this book. He indeed brings beauty from the ashes, and purpose through our brokeness. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone struggling with this topic, anyone who is working with people (no-matter-the-age), anyone who is tired of looking for remedies and being dissappointed time and time again when they don't work. Trust me, this one will not leave you dissappointed but it is also just a first step toward claiming your identity as a 'beloved' and 'wanted'.

[Natasha Burling · Rating 3 out of 5]

In this book, Stringer explains how sexual perversion is not simply a sin to be eradicated, it is a symptom of deeper hurt, brokenness, and trauma that needs to be addressed and resolved in order for our unwanted sexual addictions to be overcome.
While his research and insights would be hugely beneficial in the Church and in biblical counseling, I disagreed with fundamental elements of his approach, focus, and philosophy.

For example, Stringer wrote with a lot of grace, and while I appreciate the tenderness with which he approached this topic, I'm concerned it easily allows for shame-stricken readers to adopt a victim mentality. The author does an in-depth evaluation of the environmental factors which influence people to pursue unwanted sexual habits; in that part of the book, it's very easy to forget that we are still autonomous and free-thinking creatures whose choices are not totally determined by our past hurt and trauma.

On the other hand, he aptly pointed out major flaws in church culture when it comes to addressing sex and sexual addictions, most notably the way we counsel people to "just stop sinning" without much focus on the grace and forgiveness of Christ or on the good goals we should pursue in the place of sexual pleasure.

If I say anything more I could go on a tangent and I'd like to avoid that so I can go to bed (just being honest).
I genuinely value the contribution of this book on the topic and it is well-written, but I have fundamental disagreements with some of his conclusions and the way he chose to communicate them.