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She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband
Helen Boyd's husband, who had long been open about being a cross-dresser, was considering living as a woman full time. Suddenly, Boyd was confronted with the reality of what it would mean if her husband were actually to become a woman socially, legally, and medically. Would Boyd love and desire her partner the same way?
Boyd's first book, My Husband Betty , explored the relationships of cross-dressing men and their partners. Now, She's Not the Man I Married is both a sequel and a more expansive examination of gender in relationships. It's for couples who are homosexual or heterosexual, and for readers who fall anywhere along the gender continuum. As Boyd struggles to understand the nature of marriage, passion, and love, she shares her confusion and anger, providing a fascinating observation of the ways in which relationships are gendered, and how we cope, or don't, with the emotional and sexual pressures that gender roles can bring to our marriages and relationships.
Boyd's first book, My Husband Betty , explored the relationships of cross-dressing men and their partners. Now, She's Not the Man I Married is both a sequel and a more expansive examination of gender in relationships. It's for couples who are homosexual or heterosexual, and for readers who fall anywhere along the gender continuum. As Boyd struggles to understand the nature of marriage, passion, and love, she shares her confusion and anger, providing a fascinating observation of the ways in which relationships are gendered, and how we cope, or don't, with the emotional and sexual pressures that gender roles can bring to our marriages and relationships.
311 pages, Paperback
First published January 25, 2007
43 people are currently reading
707 people want to read
About the author
Helen Boyd
4 books14 followersHelen Boyd is the author of My Husband Betty (Thunder’s Mouth, 2004) which was a finalist for a Lambda Literary Award and is often referred to as the “field guide to crossdressers”. Her second book, She’s Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband (Seal Press, 2007), has been called “a postmodern reflection on transness” by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Her blog (en)gender can be found online at www.myhusbandbetty.com.
Boyd has been running online groups since 2000. She has presented workshops at many conferences and has given keynote talks at gatherings such as First Event. Helen and Betty appeared on The Dr. Keith Ablow Show and spoke about GLBT marriage on PBS’ In the Life (and Betty recently played herself on an historic episode of All My Children). Boyd’s writing has also appeared in anthologies edited by Matt(ilda) Bernstein Sycamore, Vern Bullough, and Michelle Tea, and she lectures regularly at colleges. She was also a finalist for a 2009 A Room of Her Own Foundation Grant.
Helen Boyd is a nom de plume for the otherwise bookish Gail Helen Kramer. She graduated Phi Beta Kappa from The City College of New York with a B.A. in English and an M.A. in writing. Her other interests – a love for the films of Buster Keaton, punk rock, writing fiction, and the history of anthracite coal mining in the U.S. – have taken a backseat to her study of gender. She hails from Brooklyn, NY, and currently lives in Appleton, WI, where she teaches Gender Studies at Lawrence University.
Boyd has been running online groups since 2000. She has presented workshops at many conferences and has given keynote talks at gatherings such as First Event. Helen and Betty appeared on The Dr. Keith Ablow Show and spoke about GLBT marriage on PBS’ In the Life (and Betty recently played herself on an historic episode of All My Children). Boyd’s writing has also appeared in anthologies edited by Matt(ilda) Bernstein Sycamore, Vern Bullough, and Michelle Tea, and she lectures regularly at colleges. She was also a finalist for a 2009 A Room of Her Own Foundation Grant.
Helen Boyd is a nom de plume for the otherwise bookish Gail Helen Kramer. She graduated Phi Beta Kappa from The City College of New York with a B.A. in English and an M.A. in writing. Her other interests – a love for the films of Buster Keaton, punk rock, writing fiction, and the history of anthracite coal mining in the U.S. – have taken a backseat to her study of gender. She hails from Brooklyn, NY, and currently lives in Appleton, WI, where she teaches Gender Studies at Lawrence University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
March 31, 2008
Okay, my original review was really mean, so I am editing it. Basically, I think that Helen and Betty have a phenomenally codependent relationship. I think that they also spend a lot of time in a certain crossdresser/mtf transsexual scene, like at conferences and workshops and things like that. Both of which are completely fine, right?
But Helen feels comfortable saying lots of things about trans women, and lots of things about their partners, and the things that she says don't ring true at ALL about me or any partners I've got. It's kind of infuriating for her to talk about all the problems that partners of trans women have, when what she means is, people who date someone who comes out to them as trans over the course of a relationship, and then choose to stay in that relationship. (Maybe due to a codependent tendency to prioritize the relationship over the happiness of either of the people in it?)
Look, I tried not to be dating somebody while I sorted out my own coming out and transition. Then, when I accidentally found myself in a relationship, I ended it so that I could transition. I thought, hey, if the straight girl I'm dating pre-transition wants to date me when I'm a lady post-transition, that will be unlikely but nice- but first I am transitioning and getting that sorted.
I hate that there's no consideration that that could ever possibly happen- to Helen Boyd, her experience is everybody's experience, and no, writing an introduction where you say "this is just my experience, don't generalize from it" doesn't get you off the hook for generalizing for the rest of your book.
As for partners, whatever. I'm a trans woman and I'm a lezzie and my partner is a lezzie who's not a trans woman. I met her after transitioning and she does NOT have the same angst about me being trans that Ms Boyd has about her own partner, so whenever Ms Boyd says anything about "partners of trans women," we get invisiblized.
It feels kind of gross for me to write about my partner's experience, though- it's not really my place, you know? It's unlikely but for all I know, she does have all the same angst as Helen Boyd, she just hasn't told me about it.
Which brings us to another problem: here is the premise of the book. "My partner is trans, so let me tell you about trans people, and being partners with them." It doesn't work that way! You suck at talking about my life, Helen, and I am trans.
And finally, like this review, eventually it's just rambly. On and on and on about how gender is a construct and you can't pin it down. I wonder if I'd feel this way re-reading Gender Outlaw? Dunno. But jesus. Brevity! Brevity!
But Helen feels comfortable saying lots of things about trans women, and lots of things about their partners, and the things that she says don't ring true at ALL about me or any partners I've got. It's kind of infuriating for her to talk about all the problems that partners of trans women have, when what she means is, people who date someone who comes out to them as trans over the course of a relationship, and then choose to stay in that relationship. (Maybe due to a codependent tendency to prioritize the relationship over the happiness of either of the people in it?)
Look, I tried not to be dating somebody while I sorted out my own coming out and transition. Then, when I accidentally found myself in a relationship, I ended it so that I could transition. I thought, hey, if the straight girl I'm dating pre-transition wants to date me when I'm a lady post-transition, that will be unlikely but nice- but first I am transitioning and getting that sorted.
I hate that there's no consideration that that could ever possibly happen- to Helen Boyd, her experience is everybody's experience, and no, writing an introduction where you say "this is just my experience, don't generalize from it" doesn't get you off the hook for generalizing for the rest of your book.
As for partners, whatever. I'm a trans woman and I'm a lezzie and my partner is a lezzie who's not a trans woman. I met her after transitioning and she does NOT have the same angst about me being trans that Ms Boyd has about her own partner, so whenever Ms Boyd says anything about "partners of trans women," we get invisiblized.
It feels kind of gross for me to write about my partner's experience, though- it's not really my place, you know? It's unlikely but for all I know, she does have all the same angst as Helen Boyd, she just hasn't told me about it.
Which brings us to another problem: here is the premise of the book. "My partner is trans, so let me tell you about trans people, and being partners with them." It doesn't work that way! You suck at talking about my life, Helen, and I am trans.
And finally, like this review, eventually it's just rambly. On and on and on about how gender is a construct and you can't pin it down. I wonder if I'd feel this way re-reading Gender Outlaw? Dunno. But jesus. Brevity! Brevity!
March 7, 2021
When my partner came out as trans, this was the book I saw recommended everywhere. For a long time, I didn’t want to read it. I’m not sure if it was the unfortunate title or the other ways I’ve seen people talk about their trans spouses or what, but I didn’t want to read it. Ultimately, I’m glad I did.
There’s an awful lot that’s dated in this book. It can be repetitive and oftentimes it rubs me the wrong way how Boyd talks about her partner’s experience or the communities they’re joining (or that she has observed). There’s things I don’t agree with and weird over-intellectualization.
What I’m giving it four stars for—and what resonated for me the most—was the honesty. Boyd is completely honest about her thoughts and feelings. They can be alternately positive and negative, confusing and assertive. I’ve been looking for a lot of answers and realizing there are none; it’s obviously not a surprise for anyone, but everyone’s situation is unique. It was extremely helpful for me to see Boyd describe her own relationship and thought process in such detail, which makes me think that I can figure mine out as well.
Towards the end of the book, Boyd quotes C.S. Lewis: “Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”
I’ve been crying for a while now and this book was incredibly helpful in realizing that I don’t need to have all answers, there is no right or wrong choice, and that all the crying isn’t going to help me resolve anything.
There’s an awful lot that’s dated in this book. It can be repetitive and oftentimes it rubs me the wrong way how Boyd talks about her partner’s experience or the communities they’re joining (or that she has observed). There’s things I don’t agree with and weird over-intellectualization.
What I’m giving it four stars for—and what resonated for me the most—was the honesty. Boyd is completely honest about her thoughts and feelings. They can be alternately positive and negative, confusing and assertive. I’ve been looking for a lot of answers and realizing there are none; it’s obviously not a surprise for anyone, but everyone’s situation is unique. It was extremely helpful for me to see Boyd describe her own relationship and thought process in such detail, which makes me think that I can figure mine out as well.
Towards the end of the book, Boyd quotes C.S. Lewis: “Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”
I’ve been crying for a while now and this book was incredibly helpful in realizing that I don’t need to have all answers, there is no right or wrong choice, and that all the crying isn’t going to help me resolve anything.
March 8, 2009
I think really highly of this book. It's one of the most thought provoking things I've read in a long time.
At first I was skeptical because the author was so unsure of how she felt about her husband transitioning. She's really attracted to her husband as a man, really digs her husband's penis. Throughout the book she is having to deal with her internalized homophobia, what would it mean for her to be a lesbian, which is a huge shock to her, as she has had gay and lesbian, queer and bisexual friends her whole life. I guess I personally forget that some people AREN'T bisexual. Anyway, I like that the author is not shying away from admitting that the transition is a HUGE struggle for her.
The other thing I really like about the book is the author's critique, criticism, scrutiny of gender roles, especially gender roles within relationships between men and women. She asks a lot of questions about what it means to be a man or a woman.
This is necessary reading for any person who's not trans but is struggling to understand trans issues.
At first I was skeptical because the author was so unsure of how she felt about her husband transitioning. She's really attracted to her husband as a man, really digs her husband's penis. Throughout the book she is having to deal with her internalized homophobia, what would it mean for her to be a lesbian, which is a huge shock to her, as she has had gay and lesbian, queer and bisexual friends her whole life. I guess I personally forget that some people AREN'T bisexual. Anyway, I like that the author is not shying away from admitting that the transition is a HUGE struggle for her.
The other thing I really like about the book is the author's critique, criticism, scrutiny of gender roles, especially gender roles within relationships between men and women. She asks a lot of questions about what it means to be a man or a woman.
This is necessary reading for any person who's not trans but is struggling to understand trans issues.
February 24, 2010
What I liked most about this book was her honesty about what it means to be in a long-term relationship with a Trans person during hir (no, that's not a typo) transition. I found wonderful messages about how to have a strong, long-lasting relationship that is applicable to all types of relationships. She says something about they both choose to live complicated lives together than simple lives seperately. I found this especially telling because no relationship is simple and anytime you have 2 people (regardless of gender/sexuality) living their lives together there are bound to be changes, complexities, and compromise.
This also really expanded my understanding of the variations in gender that people identify with, and that there are far more variations than we have lables for.
This also really expanded my understanding of the variations in gender that people identify with, and that there are far more variations than we have lables for.
August 15, 2021
I read half and then could push on no further.
The premise of this memoir is intriguing, the wife of a trans person on the cusp of transitioning, thinking about what it means for them as their partner and their life together. I liked that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and the author has some doubts and questions and allows herself to openly express them, even at risk of being shot down as transphobic or unsupportive.
But the actual route this book takes, golly does it meander. It’s split into chapters, but the chapters do nothing to give structure. It largely consists of: “Here’s a bit about what a quirky, gender-bending couple me and Betty are. And that reminds me, we’re seen as lesbians now and I’m not a lesbian, I’m hetero. People always think I’m a lesbian though. Weird, huh? Lesbians ask me out a lot. I guess they like me. Gays like me generally because I was a tomboy when I was young. I suppose it all started when I was born…”
There were quite a few bits where the avowedly heterosexual author makes comments about lesbians fancying her and being seen as a lesbian with her husband that felt a bit ick. Like when she tells a Christian friend struggling with her sex life with her trans partner to use the idea of “the lesbian taboo” for excitement.
A lot of ideas are repeated just so many times in different formulations, for whose benefit, I don’t know. You could probably cut the book down to a quarter of the length without missing out any actual content.
The author also opens the book promisingly, questioning the femininity being adopted by her partner as whether that is really what it is to be a woman, and how she, as a cis woman, has never identified with that. But she skirts just shy of the core point of that musing, and then spends the rest of what I read playing the Not Like Other Girls card and non-critically pulling on lib fem ideas of gender to explain what makes a woman (spoiler: the word brainsex makes an outing).
So yeah, went in with high hopes, came out exhausted.
The premise of this memoir is intriguing, the wife of a trans person on the cusp of transitioning, thinking about what it means for them as their partner and their life together. I liked that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and the author has some doubts and questions and allows herself to openly express them, even at risk of being shot down as transphobic or unsupportive.
But the actual route this book takes, golly does it meander. It’s split into chapters, but the chapters do nothing to give structure. It largely consists of: “Here’s a bit about what a quirky, gender-bending couple me and Betty are. And that reminds me, we’re seen as lesbians now and I’m not a lesbian, I’m hetero. People always think I’m a lesbian though. Weird, huh? Lesbians ask me out a lot. I guess they like me. Gays like me generally because I was a tomboy when I was young. I suppose it all started when I was born…”
There were quite a few bits where the avowedly heterosexual author makes comments about lesbians fancying her and being seen as a lesbian with her husband that felt a bit ick. Like when she tells a Christian friend struggling with her sex life with her trans partner to use the idea of “the lesbian taboo” for excitement.
A lot of ideas are repeated just so many times in different formulations, for whose benefit, I don’t know. You could probably cut the book down to a quarter of the length without missing out any actual content.
The author also opens the book promisingly, questioning the femininity being adopted by her partner as whether that is really what it is to be a woman, and how she, as a cis woman, has never identified with that. But she skirts just shy of the core point of that musing, and then spends the rest of what I read playing the Not Like Other Girls card and non-critically pulling on lib fem ideas of gender to explain what makes a woman (spoiler: the word brainsex makes an outing).
So yeah, went in with high hopes, came out exhausted.
July 23, 2007
Even if you don't happen to be married to a transgender husband, Helen Boyd has a lot of trenchant observations about gender roles in general. The very end of the book, written by her husband, made me cry a little -- a rather rare thing for me when I'm reading a book. I'd recommend this book to anyone who's struggled with gender-based expectations and frustration (that is, just about everyone in the world).
June 3, 2014
I'm giving this 3 stars, because in context of a certain audience (partners of trans people in transition) it has some value. It has some insight too in terms of larger discussions on gender in feminism or queer theory. Boyd's viewpoint is unique, she's thoughtful, she's knowledgeable enough to be able offer differing perspectives, and she has a clear voice as a writer.
Even so, I hesitated on those 3 stars, as I often found this book quite rambling and repetitive, with a tendency for its thoughtful to coil in on itself and get nowhere. From what I can tell, this reflects the state of Betty and Helen's relationship at the time, with Betty exploring a sort of space in between and Helen sorting out her feelings on the possibility of a full transition. Since this book was published, Betty has transitioned and, while Helen in interviews voices some reservations, one feels that she has eased into the reality. In a way, this book could be treated as a record of a certain period in their shared lives, a way for readers to understand how such spaces can be navigated.
I also think that for partners who, for whatever reason, aren't going through the same kinds of crises, this book can feel a bit frustrating. Boyd has the advantage of not being a "typical" woman and the experience of being "into" her husband's cross-dressing queers her heterosexuality a bit, but this just makes the crisis of identity, gender, and sexuality more confusing. Some trans partners are going to find their relationship after transition, others are themselves going to have sexualities and gender identities that make them more open to transitioning. I agree with Boyd's point that the partner of a person transitioning transitions too. The kind of crisis Boyd writes through here is something those sorts of partners can understand but will experience very differently.
The other thing is, I can agree with GR user Imogen that Betty and Helen's relationship seems co-dependent. They seem to have created a world together and are both too scared to upset that world. I won't judge their decision to take it slow and consider every finer point of the process, particular if they seem content living in that reality, but it goes back to the frustration one feels while reading.
Where the book is strongest for me is when Boyd gets at the meat of gender and how we live it in the world, how the deep awareness transgender people have of that reality reveals an impact we (as in cis/heteronormative culture) can't always see. It's a shame one has to slog through so much rambling navel-gaze to get to these insights, but it is what it is.
Even so, I hesitated on those 3 stars, as I often found this book quite rambling and repetitive, with a tendency for its thoughtful to coil in on itself and get nowhere. From what I can tell, this reflects the state of Betty and Helen's relationship at the time, with Betty exploring a sort of space in between and Helen sorting out her feelings on the possibility of a full transition. Since this book was published, Betty has transitioned and, while Helen in interviews voices some reservations, one feels that she has eased into the reality. In a way, this book could be treated as a record of a certain period in their shared lives, a way for readers to understand how such spaces can be navigated.
I also think that for partners who, for whatever reason, aren't going through the same kinds of crises, this book can feel a bit frustrating. Boyd has the advantage of not being a "typical" woman and the experience of being "into" her husband's cross-dressing queers her heterosexuality a bit, but this just makes the crisis of identity, gender, and sexuality more confusing. Some trans partners are going to find their relationship after transition, others are themselves going to have sexualities and gender identities that make them more open to transitioning. I agree with Boyd's point that the partner of a person transitioning transitions too. The kind of crisis Boyd writes through here is something those sorts of partners can understand but will experience very differently.
The other thing is, I can agree with GR user Imogen that Betty and Helen's relationship seems co-dependent. They seem to have created a world together and are both too scared to upset that world. I won't judge their decision to take it slow and consider every finer point of the process, particular if they seem content living in that reality, but it goes back to the frustration one feels while reading.
Where the book is strongest for me is when Boyd gets at the meat of gender and how we live it in the world, how the deep awareness transgender people have of that reality reveals an impact we (as in cis/heteronormative culture) can't always see. It's a shame one has to slog through so much rambling navel-gaze to get to these insights, but it is what it is.
February 9, 2012
I agree with those who critique the book for being rambling and repetitive; it is. At first this bothered me a little, but then I decided, "Hey, we get repetitive reinforcement of all the gender nonsense she's trying to unravel, so perhaps having her points hit you again and again in slightly different ways is not such a bad thing." And really, I loved the personal account of trying to understand, from the perspective of a mostly straight adult tomboy, her own masculinity and what that means for her and her relationship.
October 8, 2011
Great, easily-readable exploration of the issues faced by a white, heterosexual, masculine woman when her husband comes out as trans. Explores the often-blurry lines between different gender identities and expressions and sexual orientations, childhood and adulthood, and gender as something that reflects the self and something that others use to interact with you. Highly recommended. Accessible to readers of most levels.
September 8, 2009
Most of the books on transgender issues are written from the perspective of people going through gender transition and/or from the viewpoint of professionals. This was a great way to learn about the experience of a person close to the one struggling with gender--and the way her view of gender (and relationships) has been transformed by the process.
February 18, 2012
Meh, probably not going to finish. This might be interesting/groundbreaking if you're wholly unfamiliar with transgenderism, but the writing is really lackluster and 50 pages in, I'm already completely over the author's woeful attitude towards her not knowing what it means to feel "like a woman" because she doesn't like wearing makeup the way her husband does. No me gusta.
September 22, 2010
Very interesting subject matter. Seems to be a lot of information around right now about the experience of the transgendered person, but what about their loved ones? What would you do if your spouse wanted to crossdress? Live as the opposite sex? Have gender reassignment surgery? Helen Boyd had experienced this first hand. Her candid account of her experiences as "the other spouse" are interesting and thought provoking. Her discussions on gender versus sexuality are very interesting. Her style is candid and very open - I found some information a little shocking, a little crazy and some of her stories funny. Come to this book witn an open mind.
April 30, 2008
This is Helen's follow-up to My Husband Betty. In this book, she reveals the strong possiblity that Betty will decide to transition full-time to womanhood. This is more personal and intimate than her first book, but you are rewarded with a really intimate look at what it's like to be in a marriage like this, from the wife's point of view. Of course, Helen describes Betty's responses to things, so you do get a sense of what Betty is like as well. Helen is clearly a self-reflective and cogent writer. Highly recommend this to anyone who wants to know more about trans relationships.
June 24, 2008
More than just a book about a couple who both approach gender in what may seem like novel ways to many, everyone can find a little of their own experience in Helen's story... not to mention the boundless notated additional information is wonderful. If you're looking for "just a love story" or some titillating "talk show" variety fodder, this book is not for you. But if you're hoping for something that will challenge you to think and maybe even rethink every kind of relationship you've ever had or will have, I highly recommend it!
May 15, 2015
I picked this up to help shed light on my own situation, but unfortunately didn't find much solace in this book. It's from 2007, which it a bit old for this topic, so I'll blame my dissatisfaction on that. It was very full of her worries and fears, making my own feel more overwhelming. I put this book aside for more current readings on the topic which was a good decision.
August 18, 2018
Helen goes on for page after page of feminist theory and chapter after chapter of her anger with the situation, and sprinkles in the fact they publicly speak and have workshops on gender issues and transgenderism and I can't help but wonder if her innate anger make things worse for the people in the workshops.
July 15, 2008
Very well-written, personal, and interesting. It's lovely to read a 'heterosexual' perspective that questions gender and dichotomies.
March 6, 2023
Things change so quickly. This book used terms I wasn't familiar with or comfortable with, and concepts (such as gender roles or fashion) clearly from a few generations before mine. It was interesting to see how people felt about gender and sexuality, or what things were taken for granted, years ago, as well as what things haven't changed at all (for better or for worse). Plenty of Helen's points were things I'd felt but never heard anyone else express aloud before. It was a very strange experience, to alternate between feeling seen and feeling like I was looking into an alien world.
The chapters tended to meander quite a bit; where you started or expected to go was not usually where you ended up, and I do think the book could have used some editing to better organize it or remove redundant sections/sentences - but at the same time, it felt more genuine as one person's not-necessarily-organized thoughts over a wide range of personal experiences and topics.
The way Helen spoke about Betty was upsetting, at times. Her words could seem very raw and selfish - and therefore very human. Other times, their shared love seemed too bright to look at. I felt like I was listening to an intimate story I wasn't supposed to be hearing.
Is this book representative of everyone's experiences as a trans person or the partner of a trans person? Of course not. And maybe Helen could have done with a few less sweeping statements. But as a record of what she's currently struggling with and mulling over, it's very honest.
The chapters tended to meander quite a bit; where you started or expected to go was not usually where you ended up, and I do think the book could have used some editing to better organize it or remove redundant sections/sentences - but at the same time, it felt more genuine as one person's not-necessarily-organized thoughts over a wide range of personal experiences and topics.
The way Helen spoke about Betty was upsetting, at times. Her words could seem very raw and selfish - and therefore very human. Other times, their shared love seemed too bright to look at. I felt like I was listening to an intimate story I wasn't supposed to be hearing.
Is this book representative of everyone's experiences as a trans person or the partner of a trans person? Of course not. And maybe Helen could have done with a few less sweeping statements. But as a record of what she's currently struggling with and mulling over, it's very honest.
August 26, 2020
I learned SO much about pronouns, genders, identifying as trans, and being in a fraught, fluid, and lovely relationship. This book deconstructs what initially seemed a typical heterosexual relationship (at least to outsiders) into countless combinations of gender, sexual orientation, identity, fashion, sex, and relationship type, among other things, that she invites us to explore with her. Kudos to Helen Boyd for her nuanced, honest, vulnerable, insightful, non-judgmental, curious, and lovely look into her marriage with Betty. All that AND she's an Adam Ant superfan. What's not to like?
July 14, 2020
An astute and compelling discussion of gender variance written by a wife whose husband is transitioning MTF (male to female.) Written by and about a couple whose lives I am familiar with, this is an honest and personal account of a world that cis-gender people might hardly ever think about. It is an important work that helps to illuminate the world around us and teaches us a lot about ourselves. Highly recommended.
February 26, 2023
Please see the other review about rumbling. The book can be summarized as 1) mental struggle and dilemma of a trans’ wife, and 2) the damage of binary gender roles the society expects of everyone. It’s a lot of poorly structured rumbling around those two topics intermixed together. If you are somewhat educated in feminism and LGBT, you’d already know 70% of the book.
January 17, 2018
For every Person who is transgender or has to live with a transgender or is only interested in this issue: this book and "She´s not the man I married" are the best books, I´ve ever read!
November 6, 2019
Very thoughtful and perceptive. I can't say it left me elated though. An important read.
stricken
February 19, 2020reason stricken: i don’t care about cis people’s opinions of their partners transitioning
March 5, 2017
I'll try to find time to add my 2 cents about this book later.
May 27, 2016
Difficile raccontare e recensire questo libro. E' tante cose insieme ma fondamentalmente un lunghissimo flusso di coscienza ed un riflettere ad alta voce dell'autrice che dà la sensazione di voler far chiarezza nei propri pensieri ancor prima che raccontare la sua storia ai lettori.
Helen Boyd (pseudonimo con cui la scrittrice ha pubblicato due libri), dopo aver raccontato della propria vita con un marito crossdresser in "My husband Betty", in questo nuovo lavoro cerca di spiegare l'evoluzione della presa di coscienza di Betty verso una identità transgender e l'evoluzione del loro rapporto di coppia. Premesso che l'identità di genere e le sfumature delle relazioni sono del tutto personali, l'autrice sembra voler spiegare l'inspiegabile e voler convincere anche se stessa del mutare delle definiziobni (esterne e interne) della relazione. Nel testo continua a riferirsi al marito sia al maschile sia al femminile e per quanto perori la necessità di una apertura maggiore e di non fossilizzarsi su etichette e schemi (la Boyd parte da un vissuto profondamente femminista) a volte sembra avere più di un problema con il suo apparire lesbica al fianco di un marito donna o non aver ancora metabolizzato del tutto la possibilità che Betty decida di transizionare completamente. Di sicuro seguiamo il suo mutevole sentire e ciò che mi ha lasciato un po' di perplessità (oltre alla disorganicità del libro, che spazia senza un preciso filo conduttore) è il suo mutevole sentire. La certezza a volte eccessiva su alcuni punti ed il suo attismo e poi un insito tentennamento e freno rispetto a molto altro.
Difficile da spiegare le sensazioni a chi non è del tutto al dentro dell'argomento, anche con il proprio vissuto. Mi domando (come reale curiosità) ad un lettore al di fuori di tutto cosa rimanga dopo aver terminato il libro che, con un buon editing, forse sarebbe potuto essere più organico e scorrevole.
Helen Boyd (pseudonimo con cui la scrittrice ha pubblicato due libri), dopo aver raccontato della propria vita con un marito crossdresser in "My husband Betty", in questo nuovo lavoro cerca di spiegare l'evoluzione della presa di coscienza di Betty verso una identità transgender e l'evoluzione del loro rapporto di coppia. Premesso che l'identità di genere e le sfumature delle relazioni sono del tutto personali, l'autrice sembra voler spiegare l'inspiegabile e voler convincere anche se stessa del mutare delle definiziobni (esterne e interne) della relazione. Nel testo continua a riferirsi al marito sia al maschile sia al femminile e per quanto perori la necessità di una apertura maggiore e di non fossilizzarsi su etichette e schemi (la Boyd parte da un vissuto profondamente femminista) a volte sembra avere più di un problema con il suo apparire lesbica al fianco di un marito donna o non aver ancora metabolizzato del tutto la possibilità che Betty decida di transizionare completamente. Di sicuro seguiamo il suo mutevole sentire e ciò che mi ha lasciato un po' di perplessità (oltre alla disorganicità del libro, che spazia senza un preciso filo conduttore) è il suo mutevole sentire. La certezza a volte eccessiva su alcuni punti ed il suo attismo e poi un insito tentennamento e freno rispetto a molto altro.
Difficile da spiegare le sensazioni a chi non è del tutto al dentro dell'argomento, anche con il proprio vissuto. Mi domando (come reale curiosità) ad un lettore al di fuori di tutto cosa rimanga dopo aver terminato il libro che, con un buon editing, forse sarebbe potuto essere più organico e scorrevole.
July 17, 2010
I loved this book because it was humorous, because it expanded my knowledge of those who live with trans & those who love them, and most of all for its courageous honesty.
Helen Boyd speaks about being a heterosexual woman married to a trans born-man, presenting-as-woman, contemplating full transition. Boyd speaks about her own experience as a "masculine" woman, her feminism, and her distaste for all kinds of prejudice... which is far more prevalent in groups that I didn't even realize, for instance feminists against M-to-F trans, trans against homosexuals (and vice-versa), etc. Boyd tells her frustration with all of these labels and prejudices, but what's most amazing is her honesty about how she isn't sure how to deal with her husband's desire to become a woman. She says this even shocked her, the wife who helped her cross-dressing husband find breast forms, but who still felt betrayed and confused and angry with the thought that the husband she loved might become a woman forever.
I found myself underlining huge portions of this book; her eloquent, stark honesty said so many things that I have felt, albeit being a hetero woman married to a hetero man. But the way she describes her feelings goes beyond the topic itself.
Helen Boyd speaks about being a heterosexual woman married to a trans born-man, presenting-as-woman, contemplating full transition. Boyd speaks about her own experience as a "masculine" woman, her feminism, and her distaste for all kinds of prejudice... which is far more prevalent in groups that I didn't even realize, for instance feminists against M-to-F trans, trans against homosexuals (and vice-versa), etc. Boyd tells her frustration with all of these labels and prejudices, but what's most amazing is her honesty about how she isn't sure how to deal with her husband's desire to become a woman. She says this even shocked her, the wife who helped her cross-dressing husband find breast forms, but who still felt betrayed and confused and angry with the thought that the husband she loved might become a woman forever.
I found myself underlining huge portions of this book; her eloquent, stark honesty said so many things that I have felt, albeit being a hetero woman married to a hetero man. But the way she describes her feelings goes beyond the topic itself.
June 4, 2013
4.5 stars
This book is a mix of biography and social analysis, so it may not be a fully satisfying read for someone who's looking for a more straightforward memoir about living with a trans spouse. Author Helen Boyd discusses her relationship, but always alongside issues of sexuality, gender identity, societal expectations, and gender roles. If that sounds as though it makes the book complicated, that's part of its effectiveness. Helen and her husband Betty are living a complex relationship--with each other and with society at large.
One of the things I liked was how honestly and effectively Boyd conveys the profound love she shares with her husband, even as she admits to confusion and the fear that their deep relationship might not survive should her husband fully transition. This book provides a lot to think about, especially in areas that most straight people in standard relationships have never needed to address. Boyd is a compassionate and articulate writer who is seeking to raise others' awareness about societal expectations and roles. She is generous in allowing us a glimpse into her complex relationship, and I wish all the best for her and Betty as they move into the future.
This book is a mix of biography and social analysis, so it may not be a fully satisfying read for someone who's looking for a more straightforward memoir about living with a trans spouse. Author Helen Boyd discusses her relationship, but always alongside issues of sexuality, gender identity, societal expectations, and gender roles. If that sounds as though it makes the book complicated, that's part of its effectiveness. Helen and her husband Betty are living a complex relationship--with each other and with society at large.
One of the things I liked was how honestly and effectively Boyd conveys the profound love she shares with her husband, even as she admits to confusion and the fear that their deep relationship might not survive should her husband fully transition. This book provides a lot to think about, especially in areas that most straight people in standard relationships have never needed to address. Boyd is a compassionate and articulate writer who is seeking to raise others' awareness about societal expectations and roles. She is generous in allowing us a glimpse into her complex relationship, and I wish all the best for her and Betty as they move into the future.
February 14, 2015
I have mixed feelings about this book. Given that the subject matter is very interesting and educating as you follow Helen's journey in regards to her husbands 'transness' and the happiness and difficulties working through this process in light of her more masculine heterosexualness, it felt like I slogged my way through the book.
The author questions so many aspects of gender and what that means in her world and the bigger world, but the style of writing or the dryness of it, I'm not sure which, created what interest there was to be lost at times.
The author questions so many aspects of gender and what that means in her world and the bigger world, but the style of writing or the dryness of it, I'm not sure which, created what interest there was to be lost at times.
February 2, 2017
This is a really interesting, honest, clear and well-written book about gender. Helen Boyd's perspective is that of a heterosexual, female partner of a trans woman. And partly that's what this book is about, and about Helen's thought processes and emotions about the fact that her husband is considering whether to transition. But mostly it's thought-provoking and interesting about gender roles and expectations, society, biology, misogyny, sexuality and being in love.
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