I was blown away by this masterful plumbing of the purgatory of despair. A housepainter in a rural town in Massachusetts loses his 13-year old daughter Kate to a car accident while she was biking. His wife leaves to visit her family and never comes back. Charlie Crosby slowly works his way through his own version of the stages of grief, which felt to me like a timeless heroic quest to solve the riddle of life.
Why would anyone want to accompany this man in this painful journey. I would have to answer that the loss of a loved one is universal and that if we are going to keep flying without our wings melting we could benefit from Harding’s attempt to express an algebra to make sense of it all. The immolation of emotion brings forth an incandescent language to temper the blade of Charlie’s soul. At no point in his experience portrayed did I feel he engaged in what is often negatively labeled as “wallowing in self pity.”
Most people are aware that the stages of grief have been analyzed and mapped (by Kubler-Ross). I think there is a bit of distancing from the illusory comfort of this science. I find myself standing back a bit from someone who has experienced such a loss, looking for their progress through these phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. We think we understand when they seem to get stuck awhile on one stage and hope we can nudge them along toward the healing qualities of the endpoint. But we can never directly experience what they are feeling. That’s what family is for, those fellow humans that are closer to the furnace and who get singed in the process. But, as is common in real life, Charlie’s passage doesn’t conform to neat stages, and his journey is taken alone.
Harding’s scenario dispenses with a drama that includes a significant role of support from family or close friends. We can only wonder why Charlie’s wife disappeared on him. For many people, children can be the glue that holds a weak marriage together, and they often contribute to friends receding in importance. Other books focus on the strain placed upon the grieving person’s circle of friends and family. Jane Hamilton’s “The Map of the World” and Chris Bohjalian’s “Buffalo Soldiers” explored those themes well. This book has the hero go it alone, and in that way it has more in common with the Didion’s memoir “A Year of Magical Thinking”.
Charlie’s “stages” are all over the map and cycle and shuffle among rage, devotional reliving of memories of Kate, the shame of being so helpless or “failure of character”, escape through alcohol and drugs, extreme depersonalization, and interludes of madness. The expression of his love and despair were exquisitely beautiful. They capture life in a way not possible without having your back to the wall. For example, wandering alone in the graveyard at night, Charlie begins to feel he is already in the dead past like the Puritans who settled his town in the 1600s:
The house fell dark. It went cold. Rats ate the apples in the basket and the wheat in the sack. The house became a dark box of wood in a dark clearing and it was best to look at it from the dark trees. Raising the house had been audacious and the blessings it had meant to preserve—to hoard, it seemed in retrospect—had not simply vanished but was blighted, as if inside it did not contain a hearth and a chair and a bed but my cankered heart. Or I carried the blackened house inside myself instead of a heart. The idea of entering the house and walking over the dark threshold and sitting in the dark room, on a dark chair, by the dark hearth, and looking through a window with broken panes, back out at the perimeter of dark trees, seemed like damnation.
But like a line from Leonard Cohen that “even damnation was poisoned by rainbows”, the algebra of grief puts it down as proportional to the love of the lost one on the other side of the equation. They don’t erase each other:
Wasn’t the joy of those thirteen years its own realm, encased now in sorrow but not breached by it? That is what I told myself. The joy of those years had its own integrity, and Kate existed within that.
And the math gets undermined:
I had to attempt to fold hope (H) into the emotional tectonics, too, as subtle and rare as the particle it was, because even if at any given coordinate its value was statistically equal to zero, even if at any given moment it was no more than the return of hope, a single grain of it still contradicts a universe of despair.
As he conjures Kate in his eerie fantasies, as here when simulating fishing in his yard at night, he demonstrate a marvelous creative force of the mind in loss:
Light rimmed up against the horizon behind me and sparkled inside the dark mist. As I beat at the fog-submerged yard and the line sizzled and rolled above my head, and, when I mistimed a cast, the fly snapped like the frayed end of a whip, and I turned a few degrees at a time on the stump, presenting the fly along the circumference of the yard, and the light slowly rose up into the world, and I could see the large, dark roots of the trunk radiating out from below in every direction, it seemed for a moment that I was standing on the hub of a great spoked wheel suspended in a cloud and spinning at breathtaking speed and that the force of my centrifugal casts and centripetal retrievals acting on its axis might just create some kind of torsion where, for a fraction of an instant, I might find myself standing next to my daughter in a wooden rowboat at dawn.
The relatively short book is full of such internal monologues of thought and tortured imagination. The rare human communications and exchanges stand out like the force of gravity after drifting in space. The sense of connectedness to this fictional New England town of Enon is a significant force on Charlie as well, including the human values of self-reliance and of seeing life as a gift. I loved to experience his memories of growing up here and of his grandfather, the clock-maker of Harding’s Pulitzer Prize winning “Tinkers”. Even without much of a plot, the fate of Charlie’s struggle was plenty compelling for me.
This book was provided as an advanced copy by Netgalley and was published Sept. 10, 2013.