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A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex
With so many loud voices coming from worldly sources about what sex and relationships truly are, how can parents teach their children healthy and righteous perspectives about human sexuality? This guide for parents is a scientifically-informed LDS perspective on how to talk with children in an open and faith-based way that will help them build a foundation of communication and trust, understand the physical body, and understand specific sexual issues such as pornography, self-touching and masturbation, same-sex attraction, and dating.
208 pages, Paperback
Published July 30, 2018
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August 23, 2018
This book introduces ideas about sexual wholeness, ties sexuality in with the eternal plan of God, and gives suggested ideas and discussions on hard topics such as same-sex attraction, pornography, masturbation, "modesty" and even sexual transgression. It does not contain advice or information for those who are struggling with gender identity, but rather the feelings and thoughts that we all have about sex..
The book is divided into three sections with the focus on sexual wholeness. The sections include: Building a Foundation, which is focused on the idea that we are sexual beings by God's design, Helping Your Child Understand the Physical Body- which teaches anatomy, and includes diagrams of reproductive organs as well as nude drawing of a biological male and a biological female, and Helping Your Child to Understand Specific Sexual Issues which addresses a variety of different sexual topics.
Here are some of my favourite quotes:
“There is not a clearly marked path for teaching healthy sexuality, just healthy principles and ideas.”
“Teaching children that sexual feelings are wrong, sinful or something to be ashamed about is the exact opposite of what we need to teach and will produce long-term effects that can be devastating.”
“There is no metaphor with which to compare sex because sex is the metaphor! So instead of asking, “What parts of life may be compared to sex?” we should ask, “How does sex help us better understand other parts of life?”- especially our discipleship and faithful progression as individuals, couples, and parents.”
“If we try to protect our children from absolutely ever sexual thought, feeling, and potential mistake, we hinder their ability to grow and become self-sufficient in their sexual development.”
“Parenting from a sexual wholeness perspective helps parents promote growth rather than guilt in teaching children about sex.”
“When we describe a modest home, we are not describing whether the windows are “cover up” and whether the decorations are “revealing.” Instead, we are describing an attitude of reserve and a lack of pretentiousness. The same applies to personal modesty.”
The modesty sections was one of my favourites! "Modesty" teachings in the book are addressed in the same way: being modest is equivalent to be being humble; it not sexual, and teaching that is sexually motivated is not productive, and is even harmful. The book warns that the emphasis on females to be “modest” by covering up, or in focusing on the length of their skirts is a way in which to teach poor self-esteem and create poor body-image issues. It also warns young men to be modest in dress (as in, not flashy or overly expensive/worldly- same for young women), attitude and appearance, and illuminates the concept as one that should be taught to both males and females equally.
This book invited me, as an adult and as a parent, to re-program any of the shameful sexual teachings I had growing up. This is one of the reasons I really loved this book—it helped me to feel good about myself in a sexual sense, rather than re-hashing the false ideologies taught to me as a youth that even having sexual thoughts was something that is wicked.
At the end of the day, it is clear that no book is perfect for teaching sex—it is the parent (or sadly, the teacher) who educates children and youth about sex and sexual attitudes. This book is clearly in line with the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but it is NOT grounded in the Mormon cultural teachings I grew up with which were focused on judgement, shame, sexual modesty/rape culture, and anti-gay sentiments. It is a refreshing change that brings a Christlike focus into a healthy, happy and spiritual discussion on sex.
I recommend this book as a great resource for Parents and Teachers in the LDS community.
The book is divided into three sections with the focus on sexual wholeness. The sections include: Building a Foundation, which is focused on the idea that we are sexual beings by God's design, Helping Your Child Understand the Physical Body- which teaches anatomy, and includes diagrams of reproductive organs as well as nude drawing of a biological male and a biological female, and Helping Your Child to Understand Specific Sexual Issues which addresses a variety of different sexual topics.
Here are some of my favourite quotes:
“There is not a clearly marked path for teaching healthy sexuality, just healthy principles and ideas.”
“Teaching children that sexual feelings are wrong, sinful or something to be ashamed about is the exact opposite of what we need to teach and will produce long-term effects that can be devastating.”
“There is no metaphor with which to compare sex because sex is the metaphor! So instead of asking, “What parts of life may be compared to sex?” we should ask, “How does sex help us better understand other parts of life?”- especially our discipleship and faithful progression as individuals, couples, and parents.”
“If we try to protect our children from absolutely ever sexual thought, feeling, and potential mistake, we hinder their ability to grow and become self-sufficient in their sexual development.”
“Parenting from a sexual wholeness perspective helps parents promote growth rather than guilt in teaching children about sex.”
“When we describe a modest home, we are not describing whether the windows are “cover up” and whether the decorations are “revealing.” Instead, we are describing an attitude of reserve and a lack of pretentiousness. The same applies to personal modesty.”
The modesty sections was one of my favourites! "Modesty" teachings in the book are addressed in the same way: being modest is equivalent to be being humble; it not sexual, and teaching that is sexually motivated is not productive, and is even harmful. The book warns that the emphasis on females to be “modest” by covering up, or in focusing on the length of their skirts is a way in which to teach poor self-esteem and create poor body-image issues. It also warns young men to be modest in dress (as in, not flashy or overly expensive/worldly- same for young women), attitude and appearance, and illuminates the concept as one that should be taught to both males and females equally.
This book invited me, as an adult and as a parent, to re-program any of the shameful sexual teachings I had growing up. This is one of the reasons I really loved this book—it helped me to feel good about myself in a sexual sense, rather than re-hashing the false ideologies taught to me as a youth that even having sexual thoughts was something that is wicked.
At the end of the day, it is clear that no book is perfect for teaching sex—it is the parent (or sadly, the teacher) who educates children and youth about sex and sexual attitudes. This book is clearly in line with the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but it is NOT grounded in the Mormon cultural teachings I grew up with which were focused on judgement, shame, sexual modesty/rape culture, and anti-gay sentiments. It is a refreshing change that brings a Christlike focus into a healthy, happy and spiritual discussion on sex.
I recommend this book as a great resource for Parents and Teachers in the LDS community.
August 23, 2018
Is there a truthful balance for us to teach our daughters about healthy sex, and could it even be inspirational?
This book is a resounding YES.
I’m not kidding.
To be clear, the book does not promise to be perfect for everyone. Rather, it introduces ideas about sexual wholeness, ties sexuality in with the eternal plan of God, and gives suggested ideas and discussions on hard topics such as same-sex attraction, pornography, masturbation, "modesty" and even sexual transgression. It does not contain advice or information for those who are struggling with gender identity, but rather the feelings and thoughts that we all have about sex. It also does not address transsexual beings, those with mixed reproductive organs and/or mixed chromosomes or other less typical variations in sexuality, but it is a good, basic, easy-to-read book that can create a healthy foundation for discussing these differences in a healthy way as the topic arises.... to read the rest of this review, please go to the Exponent blog at https://www.the-exponent.com/book-rev...
We are also on Instagram! Come see us! @Exponent_II_blog
This book is a resounding YES.
I’m not kidding.
To be clear, the book does not promise to be perfect for everyone. Rather, it introduces ideas about sexual wholeness, ties sexuality in with the eternal plan of God, and gives suggested ideas and discussions on hard topics such as same-sex attraction, pornography, masturbation, "modesty" and even sexual transgression. It does not contain advice or information for those who are struggling with gender identity, but rather the feelings and thoughts that we all have about sex. It also does not address transsexual beings, those with mixed reproductive organs and/or mixed chromosomes or other less typical variations in sexuality, but it is a good, basic, easy-to-read book that can create a healthy foundation for discussing these differences in a healthy way as the topic arises.... to read the rest of this review, please go to the Exponent blog at https://www.the-exponent.com/book-rev...
We are also on Instagram! Come see us! @Exponent_II_blog
March 4, 2022
I need a small arsenal of books like this. One never seems to be enough but at least each one helps me open up more communication with my children. This book particularly helped me heal some of my past sexual trauma and rewrite my past. The progression based understanding of sexual wholeness is beautiful and full of dips and rises. Very good read for Christian parents with children if any age.
December 21, 2021
I highly recommend buying this book if you’re a parent who is raising kids because there is so much helpful information on how to handle hard topics that aren’t often discussed(unless with a therapist) because they cause uncomfortableness in many people (maybe more so with religious folk because they’re morality topics). As per usual, Here are my notes with highlights:
Ch 1: Sexual metaphors:
As a parent it is very important to reflect on your own learning experiences and how they influence your current attitudes, feelings and approaches to sexuality. -13
Ch 2: Moving Beyond Abstinence toward Sexual Wholeness:
Our spirits are the source of our emotions & thoughts and in order to have sexual fulfillment we need to appreciate how they are enmeshed with the physical reactions of our bodies. -17
When we help our children live according to gods will and have faith in his divine plan for them, they will feel contentment and peace because they are fulfilling the measure of their creation (d&c 88:25). But when our children feel a lack of progression in their lives, the same divine nature gives them feelings or ideas that something is amiss, leaving them to fee restless or frustrated .when such lack of progression results from being out of alignment with gods commandments, they often feel a sense of unworthiness and see a decrease in their faith. -17
“At times, our children will express their sexuality in shallow or meaningless ways that are not in alignment with gods divine purposes for sex. When this happens, their spiritual nature reActs and causes them to feel less content and unfulfilled.-18
Ch 4: Parenting is Different For Different Children:
The best parent is a flexible parent, so be willing to try something new and to not treat your children the same. -47
Have a family conversation about sexuality both with younger children and older children. This will allow your younger children to ask questions and your older children to answer. We have found that sometimes our children know more than we give them credit for and if we allow them to teach we may find out a lot. Siblings are often a key source of information about sexuality, so try using this to your advantage!51
Ch 5: Basics of sexual anatomy & puberty:
sexual development occurs in a natural sequence. For girls, it can be in as early as eight or nine years old. For boys around 10 or 11 years old. Development takes a few years and include social, emotional, and physical changes. Parents you can talk openly about these changes will make this transition easier for their children. During these years of physical sexual development, children experience heightened sexual arousal and need to learn to regulate their arousal. Talking about how our bodies work in the natural patterns of arousal will help children understand how to better appreciate and regulate this beautiful part of who they are.
I have a discussion about how Baby is conceived. This discussion can include regularly reflecting on how complex and joyful this process is and how wonderful it is that heavenly father created a process for children to come into the world.
Chapter 6: Discussing and celebrating puberty:
If we treat puberty as merely an inconvenient physical change that has some undesired emotional consequences, that is how our children will come to feel about their experience and these functions of their body. However, if we treat puberty as the physical manifestation of a divine and eternal aspect of our spiritual progression, and perhaps do this through the use of a celebration of manhood or womanhood, our children will know what to expect, will feel positively about their puberty experience, and will integrate their experience and development with their sexual and spiritual progression. We recommend you start by talking with your children about puberty and what to expect. And if it doesn’t feel too radical for you, consider thinking of oh way you might be able to make this transition special(like going out to dinner) for your children as they begin to think about being a mother or father.82
Chapter 7. Body Image:
Helping children have positive body image is central to healthy sexuality, so remember to promote health and an active lifestyle with your family and do these other things:
1. Establish healthy lifestyle patterns as a family
• Eat Whole Foods, fruits and veggies, home cooked meals and avoid processed foods.
• Establish patterns of physical activity & appreciate all the things a body can do
• Play together, bike rides, walk to park, 5k
• Help them understand how foods influence moods and energy levels
2. Help children be critical consumers of media
• Don’t believe everything you see. A lot of it is fake
3. Help children love their own bodies
• Don’t make comments on other peoples bodies about how much weight they’ve lost or gained
• Don’t joke or make negative references about your own weight, height, baldness etc
• “If adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to our children.”-Jeffrey R Holland
• When kids comment on others appearance, ask about what they’re like inside. Kind? Hard working?
4. Help children Develop their spirituality
• Our bodies are a gift from Heavenly Father. When we receive a gift, we don’t promptly and repeatedly tell the Giver how unhappy we are with said gift. We should be grateful for our bodies.
• Pay attention to character traits and spiritual attributes rather than looks -97
Modesty and Sexuality (ch 8)
• Modesty encompasses how we feel, think and behave.
• Definitions of modesty: lack of pretentiousness (Which is attempting to impress people with greater importance than we possess), A regard for decency, simplicity, and the act of showing reserve. A modest home wouldn’t mean the windows are covered up but rather that there’s an attitude of reserve and a lack of pretentiousness
“Modesty is not vain or boastful. Modest people do not use their bodies or their behavior to seek approval from the world or to draw attention to their own real or supposed accomplishments or desireable attributes.”-carol f mcconkie -101
• The savior encouraged us to acknowledge our dependence on Him, which may make it easier for us to maintain a feeling of modesty
Sexual modesty is based on the idea that the part of ourselves that is sexual, including how we look, feel and act that draws attention to our sexuality and stimulates sexual thoughts in ourselves and others is only reserved for our spouse or future spouse. -102
We are private because certain aspects of ourselves are only shared with our spouses and the more we honor these boundaries around our current or future marriages, the more these relationships can stay exclusive. This is absolutely necessary for the building of trust. This is the essence of sexual modesty. -104
Young women are not responsible for the thoughts of young men. However, we are each responsible for our own thoughts and actions.
Modest thought not only means refraining from using our bodies to gain attention but also from using our words, behaviors, money, or anything in our control to draw extra attention to ourselves. When we live modestly we’re less likely to live above our means, we’re close whether they cover us or not that draw excessive attention to our body, or use our education or talent to diminish others.-105
Chapter 9. Self touching and masturbation-
Process of learning to control habits.. All of us have some habit or tendency that is difficult to keep at the proper level, whether that’s resisting sweets, watching excessive tv, losing our patience, or something else. It is helpful to remind ourselves of this as we work with others that have struggles different than our own. When they make progress and then go back to old habits, do not get frustrated and punish them. They’ll have their own negative thoughts and feelings.
“With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed.”-Jeffrey R Holland-122
“ research has shown that when people make goals about controlling appetites like eating less, exercising more, or controlling sexual urges, and they only think about the possible positive outcomes and focus most of their attention on being more disciplined, they are very likely to fall back into old habits and not succeed at behavioral change. What seems to happen is that these fantasies about how great it will be when the problem is entirely gone provide some of the immediate neurological awards of dopamine that curiously keep the individual from succeeding in the long run. Also, this typical approach can put too much emphasis on the problem or appetite, which is likely to be lifelong rather than something that is easy to change. A newer approach with the acronym WOOP(or LDS families have made it WOOPS to include the Savior for the S) has shown considerable promise in improving success.
The W stands for wish, or what is the desired goal. The first oh stands for what would be the optimal outcome of achieving this wish. The next two letters are the most important. The second O stands for the typical obstacles that someone is likely to encounter inside of him or herself that will impede success (like for someone trying to quit sweets or overeating, it could be boredom, stress, tiredness etc that weakens you and so you eat more than you need or things that aren’t nourishing for your body). The P stands for the plan for improving on the things inside oneself that interfere with success. In the planning process, it is important to develop an if/then scenario that includes the typical obstacles.(if I am bored, stressed, tired and wanting to snack or eat sugar then I will brush my teeth and busy myself cleaning, reading, writing, or prepping dinner)-124
Chapter 10: Pornography-
Children need to learn about the harms of pornography in context of a broader understanding of healthy sexuality. Young people are more likely to make the decisions about viewing pornography when they understand the specific ways that pornography harms the emotional, physical, and spiritual foundations of sexual wholeness.
Pornography us as best address as a topic of progression rather than a topic of perfection. All of our children, just like each of us, will learn through some trial and error in their sexual development. It may not be the same for every person, but each of us has some maturity to gain in this part of life. Keeping this maturation person effective in mind is particularly needed when addressing pornography issues among teens and young adults.
Let your children know that you are open and comfortable with talking to them about this topic and would like them to let you know if they see any media like this.
Pornography counterfeits real intimacy and can create unrealistic expectations about sex, peoples bodies, and relationships.
Chapter 11. Same-Sex attraction
Helping individuals discuss their questions and struggles in a nonjudgmental way and continuing to love and nurture relationships with them after disclosures of same sex feelings or behaviors is vital and christian. -165
Chapter 12. Pairing off and dating:
Healthy dating is about helping our children delay pairing off and coupling until the young adult years in order to develop the needed maturity to make good relationship decisions.168
Premature pairing off is risky, as young people lack the maturity to handle the emotions and intimacy that is involved with increased attachment and commitment. For young adults, however, pairing off creates the ideal dating environment to get to know potential partners and to evaluate the prospect of their relationship. The most important and sometimes the most challenging aspect of teenage dating is to help our children appreciate how important it is to maintain a non-coupled status in dating.
One of the most common errors teens make is to become exclusive with one person and to begin to spend a lot of time alone with him or her. While our prophetic leaders warn young adults about hanging out instead of going on traditional dates, with teens there’s a different form of hanging out,and they often do it so they can pair off. What this involves is young people telling their parents that they are just hanging out with a group of friends and then when the group is out of sight of parents the young people pair off into their boyfriend and girlfriend pairs. Some teens think it is OK to pair off exclusively because they call it hanging out instead of dating. Teach your children to not play with definitions. No matter what they call it, it still leads to spending time alone with one person and identifies them as a couple.
Having a boyfriend or girlfriend limits our children’s social experiences and friendships in ways that hinder their proper preparation for marriage. Plus, premarital sexual experiences can influence their sexual conditioning and attach feelings of guilt, shame, and regret to sexual expression. These are feelings that can negatively impact later sexual intimacy in marriage.-170
Texting can be a method of pairing
Often children are being given smart phones and other digital devices at early ages and starting to engage in unmonitored communication with friends, Peers, and others.While much of this communication fits into friendship building and social connection, some teens use their phones to engage in private, paired off, one on one communication with members of the opposite sex that mirrors relationship dynamics of dating an exclusive relationships. Some teens are basically going to bed with each other as they stay up late texting and talking until they fall asleep. Parents need to recognize the importance of helping their children develop proper patterns Of media use and communication with friends and peers during their teenage years. Most teens benefit from Clear family values related to phone and technology use, such as turning in their phones before going to bed, no phones allowed at the dinner table, and parents having access to their children’s phones.
Chapter 13. Engagement and honeymoon:
Anxiety kills sexual desire and perfectionism kills joy. 183
When one of your children reaches the point of getting married, it is a time of joy and rejoicing. It is also the final time parents should plan to talk to their children about their sexual development, since after marriage the boundary around their children’s sexuality should be drawn around the new couple, unless the couple decides they have a problem they want to talk to a parent or parents together about to get some help.
As our adult children transition into marriage, we can emphasize the need for unselfish service and love (saviors way)
be positive.… Remind your children that sexual activity is a gift and is intended to bless their marriage.
Be open. Have a few sex talks with your child and their fiancée
The reason we warn our children to curtail arousal before marriage is because arousal is instinctive. It occurs naturally in a course of progression that is typically difficult to slow down. That fact can be comforting news for a soon to be a married couple, this is a natural process.
To help a young couple maintain their standards during engagement, some additional boundaries may be needed. Parents can discuss with their children ways to be supportive. Is it helpful to have a set time to separate at night? Would the couple feel good about having a chaperone in the house instead of being home alone together (a younger brother or sister will do). The goal is to help the couple realize that the family is there to hike in any appropriate way .-186
A sexual relationship isn’t about individual gratification but about enjoyment, enrichment, and bonding of the couple.
You don’t need to have intercourse on your wedding night. You should go at the pace of the least comfortable partner when beginning your sexual intimacy journey. The real goal is intimacy not sexual intercourse or orgasm. -188
Ch 1: Sexual metaphors:
As a parent it is very important to reflect on your own learning experiences and how they influence your current attitudes, feelings and approaches to sexuality. -13
Ch 2: Moving Beyond Abstinence toward Sexual Wholeness:
Our spirits are the source of our emotions & thoughts and in order to have sexual fulfillment we need to appreciate how they are enmeshed with the physical reactions of our bodies. -17
When we help our children live according to gods will and have faith in his divine plan for them, they will feel contentment and peace because they are fulfilling the measure of their creation (d&c 88:25). But when our children feel a lack of progression in their lives, the same divine nature gives them feelings or ideas that something is amiss, leaving them to fee restless or frustrated .when such lack of progression results from being out of alignment with gods commandments, they often feel a sense of unworthiness and see a decrease in their faith. -17
“At times, our children will express their sexuality in shallow or meaningless ways that are not in alignment with gods divine purposes for sex. When this happens, their spiritual nature reActs and causes them to feel less content and unfulfilled.-18
Ch 4: Parenting is Different For Different Children:
The best parent is a flexible parent, so be willing to try something new and to not treat your children the same. -47
Have a family conversation about sexuality both with younger children and older children. This will allow your younger children to ask questions and your older children to answer. We have found that sometimes our children know more than we give them credit for and if we allow them to teach we may find out a lot. Siblings are often a key source of information about sexuality, so try using this to your advantage!51
Ch 5: Basics of sexual anatomy & puberty:
sexual development occurs in a natural sequence. For girls, it can be in as early as eight or nine years old. For boys around 10 or 11 years old. Development takes a few years and include social, emotional, and physical changes. Parents you can talk openly about these changes will make this transition easier for their children. During these years of physical sexual development, children experience heightened sexual arousal and need to learn to regulate their arousal. Talking about how our bodies work in the natural patterns of arousal will help children understand how to better appreciate and regulate this beautiful part of who they are.
I have a discussion about how Baby is conceived. This discussion can include regularly reflecting on how complex and joyful this process is and how wonderful it is that heavenly father created a process for children to come into the world.
Chapter 6: Discussing and celebrating puberty:
If we treat puberty as merely an inconvenient physical change that has some undesired emotional consequences, that is how our children will come to feel about their experience and these functions of their body. However, if we treat puberty as the physical manifestation of a divine and eternal aspect of our spiritual progression, and perhaps do this through the use of a celebration of manhood or womanhood, our children will know what to expect, will feel positively about their puberty experience, and will integrate their experience and development with their sexual and spiritual progression. We recommend you start by talking with your children about puberty and what to expect. And if it doesn’t feel too radical for you, consider thinking of oh way you might be able to make this transition special(like going out to dinner) for your children as they begin to think about being a mother or father.82
Chapter 7. Body Image:
Helping children have positive body image is central to healthy sexuality, so remember to promote health and an active lifestyle with your family and do these other things:
1. Establish healthy lifestyle patterns as a family
• Eat Whole Foods, fruits and veggies, home cooked meals and avoid processed foods.
• Establish patterns of physical activity & appreciate all the things a body can do
• Play together, bike rides, walk to park, 5k
• Help them understand how foods influence moods and energy levels
2. Help children be critical consumers of media
• Don’t believe everything you see. A lot of it is fake
3. Help children love their own bodies
• Don’t make comments on other peoples bodies about how much weight they’ve lost or gained
• Don’t joke or make negative references about your own weight, height, baldness etc
• “If adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to our children.”-Jeffrey R Holland
• When kids comment on others appearance, ask about what they’re like inside. Kind? Hard working?
4. Help children Develop their spirituality
• Our bodies are a gift from Heavenly Father. When we receive a gift, we don’t promptly and repeatedly tell the Giver how unhappy we are with said gift. We should be grateful for our bodies.
• Pay attention to character traits and spiritual attributes rather than looks -97
Modesty and Sexuality (ch 8)
• Modesty encompasses how we feel, think and behave.
• Definitions of modesty: lack of pretentiousness (Which is attempting to impress people with greater importance than we possess), A regard for decency, simplicity, and the act of showing reserve. A modest home wouldn’t mean the windows are covered up but rather that there’s an attitude of reserve and a lack of pretentiousness
“Modesty is not vain or boastful. Modest people do not use their bodies or their behavior to seek approval from the world or to draw attention to their own real or supposed accomplishments or desireable attributes.”-carol f mcconkie -101
• The savior encouraged us to acknowledge our dependence on Him, which may make it easier for us to maintain a feeling of modesty
Sexual modesty is based on the idea that the part of ourselves that is sexual, including how we look, feel and act that draws attention to our sexuality and stimulates sexual thoughts in ourselves and others is only reserved for our spouse or future spouse. -102
We are private because certain aspects of ourselves are only shared with our spouses and the more we honor these boundaries around our current or future marriages, the more these relationships can stay exclusive. This is absolutely necessary for the building of trust. This is the essence of sexual modesty. -104
Young women are not responsible for the thoughts of young men. However, we are each responsible for our own thoughts and actions.
Modest thought not only means refraining from using our bodies to gain attention but also from using our words, behaviors, money, or anything in our control to draw extra attention to ourselves. When we live modestly we’re less likely to live above our means, we’re close whether they cover us or not that draw excessive attention to our body, or use our education or talent to diminish others.-105
Chapter 9. Self touching and masturbation-
Process of learning to control habits.. All of us have some habit or tendency that is difficult to keep at the proper level, whether that’s resisting sweets, watching excessive tv, losing our patience, or something else. It is helpful to remind ourselves of this as we work with others that have struggles different than our own. When they make progress and then go back to old habits, do not get frustrated and punish them. They’ll have their own negative thoughts and feelings.
“With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed.”-Jeffrey R Holland-122
“ research has shown that when people make goals about controlling appetites like eating less, exercising more, or controlling sexual urges, and they only think about the possible positive outcomes and focus most of their attention on being more disciplined, they are very likely to fall back into old habits and not succeed at behavioral change. What seems to happen is that these fantasies about how great it will be when the problem is entirely gone provide some of the immediate neurological awards of dopamine that curiously keep the individual from succeeding in the long run. Also, this typical approach can put too much emphasis on the problem or appetite, which is likely to be lifelong rather than something that is easy to change. A newer approach with the acronym WOOP(or LDS families have made it WOOPS to include the Savior for the S) has shown considerable promise in improving success.
The W stands for wish, or what is the desired goal. The first oh stands for what would be the optimal outcome of achieving this wish. The next two letters are the most important. The second O stands for the typical obstacles that someone is likely to encounter inside of him or herself that will impede success (like for someone trying to quit sweets or overeating, it could be boredom, stress, tiredness etc that weakens you and so you eat more than you need or things that aren’t nourishing for your body). The P stands for the plan for improving on the things inside oneself that interfere with success. In the planning process, it is important to develop an if/then scenario that includes the typical obstacles.(if I am bored, stressed, tired and wanting to snack or eat sugar then I will brush my teeth and busy myself cleaning, reading, writing, or prepping dinner)-124
Chapter 10: Pornography-
Children need to learn about the harms of pornography in context of a broader understanding of healthy sexuality. Young people are more likely to make the decisions about viewing pornography when they understand the specific ways that pornography harms the emotional, physical, and spiritual foundations of sexual wholeness.
Pornography us as best address as a topic of progression rather than a topic of perfection. All of our children, just like each of us, will learn through some trial and error in their sexual development. It may not be the same for every person, but each of us has some maturity to gain in this part of life. Keeping this maturation person effective in mind is particularly needed when addressing pornography issues among teens and young adults.
Let your children know that you are open and comfortable with talking to them about this topic and would like them to let you know if they see any media like this.
Pornography counterfeits real intimacy and can create unrealistic expectations about sex, peoples bodies, and relationships.
Chapter 11. Same-Sex attraction
Helping individuals discuss their questions and struggles in a nonjudgmental way and continuing to love and nurture relationships with them after disclosures of same sex feelings or behaviors is vital and christian. -165
Chapter 12. Pairing off and dating:
Healthy dating is about helping our children delay pairing off and coupling until the young adult years in order to develop the needed maturity to make good relationship decisions.168
Premature pairing off is risky, as young people lack the maturity to handle the emotions and intimacy that is involved with increased attachment and commitment. For young adults, however, pairing off creates the ideal dating environment to get to know potential partners and to evaluate the prospect of their relationship. The most important and sometimes the most challenging aspect of teenage dating is to help our children appreciate how important it is to maintain a non-coupled status in dating.
One of the most common errors teens make is to become exclusive with one person and to begin to spend a lot of time alone with him or her. While our prophetic leaders warn young adults about hanging out instead of going on traditional dates, with teens there’s a different form of hanging out,and they often do it so they can pair off. What this involves is young people telling their parents that they are just hanging out with a group of friends and then when the group is out of sight of parents the young people pair off into their boyfriend and girlfriend pairs. Some teens think it is OK to pair off exclusively because they call it hanging out instead of dating. Teach your children to not play with definitions. No matter what they call it, it still leads to spending time alone with one person and identifies them as a couple.
Having a boyfriend or girlfriend limits our children’s social experiences and friendships in ways that hinder their proper preparation for marriage. Plus, premarital sexual experiences can influence their sexual conditioning and attach feelings of guilt, shame, and regret to sexual expression. These are feelings that can negatively impact later sexual intimacy in marriage.-170
Texting can be a method of pairing
Often children are being given smart phones and other digital devices at early ages and starting to engage in unmonitored communication with friends, Peers, and others.While much of this communication fits into friendship building and social connection, some teens use their phones to engage in private, paired off, one on one communication with members of the opposite sex that mirrors relationship dynamics of dating an exclusive relationships. Some teens are basically going to bed with each other as they stay up late texting and talking until they fall asleep. Parents need to recognize the importance of helping their children develop proper patterns Of media use and communication with friends and peers during their teenage years. Most teens benefit from Clear family values related to phone and technology use, such as turning in their phones before going to bed, no phones allowed at the dinner table, and parents having access to their children’s phones.
Chapter 13. Engagement and honeymoon:
Anxiety kills sexual desire and perfectionism kills joy. 183
When one of your children reaches the point of getting married, it is a time of joy and rejoicing. It is also the final time parents should plan to talk to their children about their sexual development, since after marriage the boundary around their children’s sexuality should be drawn around the new couple, unless the couple decides they have a problem they want to talk to a parent or parents together about to get some help.
As our adult children transition into marriage, we can emphasize the need for unselfish service and love (saviors way)
be positive.… Remind your children that sexual activity is a gift and is intended to bless their marriage.
Be open. Have a few sex talks with your child and their fiancée
The reason we warn our children to curtail arousal before marriage is because arousal is instinctive. It occurs naturally in a course of progression that is typically difficult to slow down. That fact can be comforting news for a soon to be a married couple, this is a natural process.
To help a young couple maintain their standards during engagement, some additional boundaries may be needed. Parents can discuss with their children ways to be supportive. Is it helpful to have a set time to separate at night? Would the couple feel good about having a chaperone in the house instead of being home alone together (a younger brother or sister will do). The goal is to help the couple realize that the family is there to hike in any appropriate way .-186
A sexual relationship isn’t about individual gratification but about enjoyment, enrichment, and bonding of the couple.
You don’t need to have intercourse on your wedding night. You should go at the pace of the least comfortable partner when beginning your sexual intimacy journey. The real goal is intimacy not sexual intercourse or orgasm. -188
September 2, 2024
I’ve read this book twice now. As a parent of four children who recognizes how sexually depraved our society is, I believe that parents need to do a better job teaching their children about sex. What does that look like? Clarity (using direct language rather than metaphors or object lessons), connection (in order for a child to possibly accept that their parents have something valuable and counter cultural to teach them, they first have to feel their parents have their best interests in mind and that they feel comfortable talking to them), consistency (to go along with the idea of children feeling comfortable asking their parents questions, sex as a topic should not be rare or taboo; unhealthy sexual preoccupation and activity are exacerbated by secrecy).
This is an important topic and book, I would recommend it to any parent who would like to be more conscientious about how they teach their children about sex. It can also inspire greater sexual health (including a broader vision of what sexual health means) in marital relationships.
Quotes
- “Complete sexual wholeness is experienced in an eternal marriage where a couple’s sexual relationship is tied to God’s divine purposes of sexuality. Spouses create true intimacy as they help each other in ways that meet each other’s personal needs. This involves spouses being responsive to each other and seeing out mutually enjoyable experiences that can build their relationship.”
- “If we treat puberty as the physical manifestation of a divine and eternal aspect of our spiritual progression, and perhaps do this through the use of a celebration of manhood or womanhood, our children will know what to expect, will feel positively about their puberty experience, and will integrate their experience and development with their sexual and spiritual progression.”
- “Point out to your children how they are getting bigger, stronger, and more skilled. Help them understand that these changes prepare them for other physical and emotional changes later. Change can be frustrating, but it is helpful for children to see that it is a process and soon they will master whatever challenges them.”
- “This is the fundamental and most common mistake most parents make in the area of teaching children about sexuality: they believe that controlling behavior by instilling in children the idea that something is wrong, sinful, or inappropriate is the goal.”
- “Although it will be natural for our children to feel guilt after viewing pornography, we should be careful not to shame our children about what they have done. Therapists have long distinguished between guilt and shame. Guilt is a recognition by our child that his or her behavior is wrong and is not in harmony with his or her values. Guilt is a natural and normal part of growing up and a healthy response to poor choices that can help motivate needed changes in our child's life. Shame, on the other hand, is when our child focuses on himself or herself as a bad person and diminishes his or her sense of self-worth—which discourages hope for change and doesn't motivate change. As parents, we need to be careful not to exacerbate feelings of shame in our children. As they experience our positive support, they will feel more hope that they can learn from their mistakes and make positive changes in their lives.”
- “Unfortunately, part of the reason why our children often only focus on what they can do, or the behaviors of chastity, is because that is too often all we teach them. However, we need our children to come to see that the whys of sexuality are an essential part of good sexual decision making-both before and after marriage. So rather than asking, ‘How far can I go?’ the question becomes, ‘What do you want sex to mean in your life?’ The focus becomes the whys, not simply the whats of physical intimacy. If this is done well, we can help our children gain a better understanding of complete intimacy in couple relationships and the type of intimacy needed in dating and courtship to prepare them for sexual wholeness in marriage. Ultimately, as they come to understand these purposes, they will see why sexual restraint and emotional intimacy are essential aspects of marriage preparation in their dating and engagement relationships.”
This is an important topic and book, I would recommend it to any parent who would like to be more conscientious about how they teach their children about sex. It can also inspire greater sexual health (including a broader vision of what sexual health means) in marital relationships.
Quotes
- “Complete sexual wholeness is experienced in an eternal marriage where a couple’s sexual relationship is tied to God’s divine purposes of sexuality. Spouses create true intimacy as they help each other in ways that meet each other’s personal needs. This involves spouses being responsive to each other and seeing out mutually enjoyable experiences that can build their relationship.”
- “If we treat puberty as the physical manifestation of a divine and eternal aspect of our spiritual progression, and perhaps do this through the use of a celebration of manhood or womanhood, our children will know what to expect, will feel positively about their puberty experience, and will integrate their experience and development with their sexual and spiritual progression.”
- “Point out to your children how they are getting bigger, stronger, and more skilled. Help them understand that these changes prepare them for other physical and emotional changes later. Change can be frustrating, but it is helpful for children to see that it is a process and soon they will master whatever challenges them.”
- “This is the fundamental and most common mistake most parents make in the area of teaching children about sexuality: they believe that controlling behavior by instilling in children the idea that something is wrong, sinful, or inappropriate is the goal.”
- “Although it will be natural for our children to feel guilt after viewing pornography, we should be careful not to shame our children about what they have done. Therapists have long distinguished between guilt and shame. Guilt is a recognition by our child that his or her behavior is wrong and is not in harmony with his or her values. Guilt is a natural and normal part of growing up and a healthy response to poor choices that can help motivate needed changes in our child's life. Shame, on the other hand, is when our child focuses on himself or herself as a bad person and diminishes his or her sense of self-worth—which discourages hope for change and doesn't motivate change. As parents, we need to be careful not to exacerbate feelings of shame in our children. As they experience our positive support, they will feel more hope that they can learn from their mistakes and make positive changes in their lives.”
- “Unfortunately, part of the reason why our children often only focus on what they can do, or the behaviors of chastity, is because that is too often all we teach them. However, we need our children to come to see that the whys of sexuality are an essential part of good sexual decision making-both before and after marriage. So rather than asking, ‘How far can I go?’ the question becomes, ‘What do you want sex to mean in your life?’ The focus becomes the whys, not simply the whats of physical intimacy. If this is done well, we can help our children gain a better understanding of complete intimacy in couple relationships and the type of intimacy needed in dating and courtship to prepare them for sexual wholeness in marriage. Ultimately, as they come to understand these purposes, they will see why sexual restraint and emotional intimacy are essential aspects of marriage preparation in their dating and engagement relationships.”
October 19, 2021
Wow, that was a fire hose. A good one though. If you have a child this is definitely a book you should read. I’m going to change how I approach these topics with my kids.
July 31, 2018
Thorough and open as well as consistent with LDS doctrine makes this book a fantastic book to read over and over again while teaching children of any age (3-married). I appreciated the way words of prophets and apostles and scriptures were interwoven with statistics and real world experiences that help to encourage open communication with children about sex and help them on their journey to sexual wholeness.
June 10, 2022
So much good info. Definitely worth the read. This is the sort of book I could easily take a ton of notes on and do a long book report that’s basically rehashing the book, but the book is concise enough that I refrained. Some things I did want to note, for whatever reason, are below:
--In chapter 1 they explain why they dislike metaphors and the problems involved, and I couldn’t help thinking that Brad Wilcox’s “Sex is Like an Apple” talk is an example of a good metaphor. It’s great and thorough; it explains why sex is good and why it should only be used within certain bounds, rather than focusing solely on abstinence and fear and sin or else. It also accounts for repentance.
--Chapter 3 is so important, especially the section on proactive vs. reactive parenting. We need more of the former; sheltering backfires and instills trust issues between parent and child, leading the child to seek info and a sense of security elsewhere
--Curiosity is natural and good. Teach, don’t shame or kids will hide, obsess more, develop issues and misunderstandings, etc.
--The book could stand to explicitly encourage parents to talk to girls about masturbation too, as they also have hormones and desires
--Boys pubic hair usually comes before facial/armpit hair
--They mention how the “ideal adolescent” is excited about sex, which I get because they hope kids are curious about a good body function, but I wish they wouldn’t judge like that, as it could make kids who don’t have that desire/interest feel unnecessarily bad. Being asexual or having medical issues that impede drive is okay too, not lesser
--We should explain “arousal” more–it’s what moves you toward a behavior, so limits and boundaries are important, especially for actions with greater consequences
--Don’t indulge or eliminate/deny feelings; Satan wants us to focus on those extremes but we should learn how to deal with, understand, and regulate them instead, which requires acknowledging and validating them, not pretending they don’t exist to our own detriment
I wish the diagram had pointed out that the female external genitalia is collectively called the vulva, as I never learned that as a kid and just called it a “crotch” since I wanted a word for it.
They could also stand to explicitly state that women don’t pee from their vaginas; they imply it, but since men’s pee and semen both exit the penis through the same hole, too many people, regardless of sex, believe the same of women
--Good idea to come up with a way to celebrate or positively acknowledge puberty and the developing ability to become a co-creator with God
--Things should be sacred, but not secret–private, but not hidden. Talk to your kids, and make kids comfortable talking to you. It shouldn’t be any different than any other important, private topic; that is, no awkwardness.
--P. 82-85 has great age charts for how/when to talk about what
--Pay attention to how you as a parent treat and talk about your body and others’ bodies, whether in person or distanced by a screen. How do you act about feeding, exercising, cleaning, photographing, and dressing it? Do you shy away, flaunt, mistreat, obsess, put down, etc.? They are the temples of our spirits, after all, and don’t need to be “perfect” to be valued and included. Kids notice your attitudes and actions. I can think of specific examples from specific relatives about their attitudes to weight, modesty, beauty, etc. and not all are positive, uplifting, or focused on the right thing (if their focus should even be there at all).
Our bodies are instruments, not ornaments (the book More Than a Body delves deeper into this)
Modesty is the opposite of drawing attention, using your body to seek wordly approval, show off, etc. It’s about boundaries, honoring God, having appropriate regard and focus, and respecting privacy
--There is no place for blaming dress for thoughts, but it’s illogical and irresponsible to deny that clothes do influence thoughts and perceptions. In the past, there has been too much victim blaming of the “immodest” one, and now the pendulum is swinging the other way, but both extremes are bad; the onus isn’t entirely on the viewer/ogler either. Both parties have agency and responsibility. It is the viewer’s responsibility to be charitable and avoid judging the dresser by standards they may not have, understand, or agree with. Likewise, it is the dresser’s responsibility to be charitable and consider the effect their choices will have on–and the signals they will send to–others. (Do not willfully misunderstand me; I am not and will never say that the way someone dresses is the reason something bad happened to them. What I am saying is that situation awareness is important, and being clueless/naive or flippant isn’t safe. Regarding rape, if the victim said no, that’s enough. Nothing else matters, be it dress, relationship, situation, etc. If there was no consent, it was rape, and the choice to proceed was the rapist’s alone, and they are the sole one at fault for that specific act, regardless of what came before.)
--Use your agency to help others through your dress and actions
--Important to learn to accept compliments and value yourself. Humility is not self-deprecation or denying true positive traits; that’s a form of pride
--Just because something is natural doesn’t mean it’s appropriate in any time/setting
--Sexual arousal (masturbation, getting too physically passionate) and other sexual actions are appropriate only within the bounds the Lord has set: marriage
--Stopping masturbation is important, but understanding why is more so
--P. 117 has a good script for talking with kids about masturbation
--A lack of understanding combined with bad habits leads to feelings of unworthiness, and a downward spiral follows, which is what Satan wants – p. 121 has a good script
--Habits and hobbies that involve discipline help with practice and provide other outlets for tension
--Consider WOOP(S): Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan(, Savior)
--Ether 12:27 weak → humble → faith → grace → strength
--Not enough talking about healthy/good sexuality vs evil of porn
--You can’t avoid porn. Prep your kids to know how to deal with it before kindergarten
--Talking about stuff without shame and building that rapport is especially important for kids who discover they're attached to the same sex or otherwise have challenges beyond the average cis/hetero/etc. scope
--Teach *why* age 16: brain development, reducing opportunities for serious mistakes, delay pairing off, practice sexual restraint, gain more social/dating experience, etc.
--Importance of opposite-sex friendships before dating age–don't just see them sexually
--Forgot to mention that depending on the state, sexting can count as possession and/or distribution of child pornography
--Consequences/impacts vs behaviors
--In chapter 1 they explain why they dislike metaphors and the problems involved, and I couldn’t help thinking that Brad Wilcox’s “Sex is Like an Apple” talk is an example of a good metaphor. It’s great and thorough; it explains why sex is good and why it should only be used within certain bounds, rather than focusing solely on abstinence and fear and sin or else. It also accounts for repentance.
--Chapter 3 is so important, especially the section on proactive vs. reactive parenting. We need more of the former; sheltering backfires and instills trust issues between parent and child, leading the child to seek info and a sense of security elsewhere
--Curiosity is natural and good. Teach, don’t shame or kids will hide, obsess more, develop issues and misunderstandings, etc.
--The book could stand to explicitly encourage parents to talk to girls about masturbation too, as they also have hormones and desires
--Boys pubic hair usually comes before facial/armpit hair
--They mention how the “ideal adolescent” is excited about sex, which I get because they hope kids are curious about a good body function, but I wish they wouldn’t judge like that, as it could make kids who don’t have that desire/interest feel unnecessarily bad. Being asexual or having medical issues that impede drive is okay too, not lesser
--We should explain “arousal” more–it’s what moves you toward a behavior, so limits and boundaries are important, especially for actions with greater consequences
--Don’t indulge or eliminate/deny feelings; Satan wants us to focus on those extremes but we should learn how to deal with, understand, and regulate them instead, which requires acknowledging and validating them, not pretending they don’t exist to our own detriment
I wish the diagram had pointed out that the female external genitalia is collectively called the vulva, as I never learned that as a kid and just called it a “crotch” since I wanted a word for it.
They could also stand to explicitly state that women don’t pee from their vaginas; they imply it, but since men’s pee and semen both exit the penis through the same hole, too many people, regardless of sex, believe the same of women
--Good idea to come up with a way to celebrate or positively acknowledge puberty and the developing ability to become a co-creator with God
--Things should be sacred, but not secret–private, but not hidden. Talk to your kids, and make kids comfortable talking to you. It shouldn’t be any different than any other important, private topic; that is, no awkwardness.
--P. 82-85 has great age charts for how/when to talk about what
--Pay attention to how you as a parent treat and talk about your body and others’ bodies, whether in person or distanced by a screen. How do you act about feeding, exercising, cleaning, photographing, and dressing it? Do you shy away, flaunt, mistreat, obsess, put down, etc.? They are the temples of our spirits, after all, and don’t need to be “perfect” to be valued and included. Kids notice your attitudes and actions. I can think of specific examples from specific relatives about their attitudes to weight, modesty, beauty, etc. and not all are positive, uplifting, or focused on the right thing (if their focus should even be there at all).
Our bodies are instruments, not ornaments (the book More Than a Body delves deeper into this)
Modesty is the opposite of drawing attention, using your body to seek wordly approval, show off, etc. It’s about boundaries, honoring God, having appropriate regard and focus, and respecting privacy
--There is no place for blaming dress for thoughts, but it’s illogical and irresponsible to deny that clothes do influence thoughts and perceptions. In the past, there has been too much victim blaming of the “immodest” one, and now the pendulum is swinging the other way, but both extremes are bad; the onus isn’t entirely on the viewer/ogler either. Both parties have agency and responsibility. It is the viewer’s responsibility to be charitable and avoid judging the dresser by standards they may not have, understand, or agree with. Likewise, it is the dresser’s responsibility to be charitable and consider the effect their choices will have on–and the signals they will send to–others. (Do not willfully misunderstand me; I am not and will never say that the way someone dresses is the reason something bad happened to them. What I am saying is that situation awareness is important, and being clueless/naive or flippant isn’t safe. Regarding rape, if the victim said no, that’s enough. Nothing else matters, be it dress, relationship, situation, etc. If there was no consent, it was rape, and the choice to proceed was the rapist’s alone, and they are the sole one at fault for that specific act, regardless of what came before.)
--Use your agency to help others through your dress and actions
--Important to learn to accept compliments and value yourself. Humility is not self-deprecation or denying true positive traits; that’s a form of pride
--Just because something is natural doesn’t mean it’s appropriate in any time/setting
--Sexual arousal (masturbation, getting too physically passionate) and other sexual actions are appropriate only within the bounds the Lord has set: marriage
--Stopping masturbation is important, but understanding why is more so
--P. 117 has a good script for talking with kids about masturbation
--A lack of understanding combined with bad habits leads to feelings of unworthiness, and a downward spiral follows, which is what Satan wants – p. 121 has a good script
--Habits and hobbies that involve discipline help with practice and provide other outlets for tension
--Consider WOOP(S): Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan(, Savior)
--Ether 12:27 weak → humble → faith → grace → strength
--Not enough talking about healthy/good sexuality vs evil of porn
--You can’t avoid porn. Prep your kids to know how to deal with it before kindergarten
--Talking about stuff without shame and building that rapport is especially important for kids who discover they're attached to the same sex or otherwise have challenges beyond the average cis/hetero/etc. scope
--Teach *why* age 16: brain development, reducing opportunities for serious mistakes, delay pairing off, practice sexual restraint, gain more social/dating experience, etc.
--Importance of opposite-sex friendships before dating age–don't just see them sexually
--Forgot to mention that depending on the state, sexting can count as possession and/or distribution of child pornography
--Consequences/impacts vs behaviors
June 2, 2021
A very good book on parenting and sexual education from an LDS Christian perspective that is very inclusive and respectful. Highly, highly recommend. I found this book very healing.
March 19, 2021
Great addition to other resources I've used to talk to my kids. I really appreciate the open minded direction and the attention to more recent issues.
September 6, 2021
Profoundly empowering and practical
As a parent, I aspire to cultivate the quality of relationship with my children (encouraged repeatedly here) which allows for sexual wholeness to guide discernment and development. The authors articulate and integrate exceptionally well the compelling cosmic context of this topic and invite meaningful reflection on immediate implications. Celebrate sacred sexual wholeness in sensitive and sincere ways with this well-researched, faith-affirming and generously curated book / experience!
As a parent, I aspire to cultivate the quality of relationship with my children (encouraged repeatedly here) which allows for sexual wholeness to guide discernment and development. The authors articulate and integrate exceptionally well the compelling cosmic context of this topic and invite meaningful reflection on immediate implications. Celebrate sacred sexual wholeness in sensitive and sincere ways with this well-researched, faith-affirming and generously curated book / experience!
November 12, 2021
This book is a shallow look at far too many topics. The basic premise is "Don't be afraid to talk to your kid about sex." Everything else is obvious, and a bit insulting to an adult reader. The authors hand-pick the research they want to believe and pass it off as fact, instead of presenting an objective perspective of the issues. There are lots of books on this topic that are far better than this one.
October 20, 2019
It was great! An easy read that eases readers into a commonly uncomfortable and awkward topic. A beautiful tapestry of research and gospel truths woven together.
December 24, 2019
This will contain spoilers!
I started and finished this in under an hour, and highlighted so many things.
My biggest takeaway is that sex is HEALTHY. Talking to kids about sex is HEALTHY.
This is different than most books I’ve read about teaching kids about sex, simply because it is LDS based but it teaches that sex isn’t something to run from, to be shamed from. This book talks about how we should be open and honest, listen and hold space.
I loved the same sex attraction chapter. I loved the scripts in it, how they both talked about how nothing is wrong with them, that they shouldn’t feel guilt, and that there is no reason to repent.
I could have done without the emphasis on cishet marriage in the book, but it is an LDS book based on man/woman temple marriage so it makes sense.
I also really enjoyed the last chapter on honeymoon sex and why both people matter, that it isn’t just a finish line.
Overall, wonderful book. I may start giving this one out to people that don’t talk to their kids about sex. It’s so important, and so often swept under the rug or taught incorrectly, and so many people deal with the shame brought on by normal and natural situations because they don’t have any other idea about what is happening.
I started and finished this in under an hour, and highlighted so many things.
My biggest takeaway is that sex is HEALTHY. Talking to kids about sex is HEALTHY.
This is different than most books I’ve read about teaching kids about sex, simply because it is LDS based but it teaches that sex isn’t something to run from, to be shamed from. This book talks about how we should be open and honest, listen and hold space.
I loved the same sex attraction chapter. I loved the scripts in it, how they both talked about how nothing is wrong with them, that they shouldn’t feel guilt, and that there is no reason to repent.
I could have done without the emphasis on cishet marriage in the book, but it is an LDS book based on man/woman temple marriage so it makes sense.
I also really enjoyed the last chapter on honeymoon sex and why both people matter, that it isn’t just a finish line.
Overall, wonderful book. I may start giving this one out to people that don’t talk to their kids about sex. It’s so important, and so often swept under the rug or taught incorrectly, and so many people deal with the shame brought on by normal and natural situations because they don’t have any other idea about what is happening.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 22, 2019
Excellent resource for Latter-day Saint families and others who want to give kids accurate, sex-positive information and background while also recognizing that sex is for marriage. Discussions about sexual wholeness (emotional, spiritual, and physical) and arousal in its various forms were spot-on. I appreciated the chapters on personality types and the recognition by the authors that different children need different instruction based on how over- or under-regulated they are. Chapter 6 (Discussing and Celebrating Puberty) was the most helpful for me in how to bring up all these things in normal, not-too-serious way. The charts on pages 83-85 about what information is developmentally appropriate and important for each age range was especially helpful. I also appreciated the anatomical pictures. The later chapters on modestly, dating, and marriage were excellent too.
I will probably end up buying this book for later reference, but just having it for a few weeks has been helpful as I've started to discuss changing bodies with my oldest child.
I will probably end up buying this book for later reference, but just having it for a few weeks has been helpful as I've started to discuss changing bodies with my oldest child.
September 14, 2022
Highly recommend this read! It is written by 4 LDS scholars and brought to light so many things to consider and how to implement the topics they discuss. I particularly liked the chapter about a child's temperament and how that affects the way they approach sexual behavior and the guidelines we teach them. I realized my son is very different than I was as a teenager in this regard and was very eye opening for me on how I need to go about teaching him. Focusing on sexual wholeness and how that can be achieved stage by stage throughout development is exactly what I needed to be explained to me so that I can explain sexuality to him. It incorporates the standards of the church and why they are put into place as one works toward sexual wholeness in marriage. It has questions at the end of a few chapters that help you determine where you stand on a subject or where your child stands. Each chapter has a recap at the end for quick reference in the future. Highly highly recommend. 5 stars
January 22, 2025
I started this book a long time ago. I read a couple chapters then put it down and didn’t pick it up again until a few weeks ago. My kids are at that age where we really need to have these conversations with them. I’m so awkward, so I need all the help I can get. I liked their no-nonsense approach, just open and honest communication. I liked the LDS aspect of it too, it was helpful to have that perspective. Although even though this book was published in 2018, it is already a little outdated. They quoted a lot from The Strength of the Youth which has been replaced, or just updated I guess. They really encouraged a very honesty and open communication with your children about everything - which I thought to be a little much. The pictures were a little much too. So while I agreed with a lot of it and it had some great ideas, I definitely won’t be implementing or even talking about everything they suggested. But I also definitely will be taking some of their ideas and using them!
February 25, 2021
This book helped me to focus my careful conversation goals with my kids more thoroughly. I loved that it focused on wholeness in sexuality and remembering there are three parts: the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual components. I appreciated how it delved into these linked concepts and it helped me address all my concerns.
I loved the extensive conversations on modesty and how it related not only to clothing, but to behavior, to attitudes, and of course, speech. I appreciated the many church quotes, and the stories of challenges helping the reader gain understanding and to learn how to be supportive. I didn't agree with every teaching style presented, but I know this book helped me greatly in my parenting and my own insights.
I loved the extensive conversations on modesty and how it related not only to clothing, but to behavior, to attitudes, and of course, speech. I appreciated the many church quotes, and the stories of challenges helping the reader gain understanding and to learn how to be supportive. I didn't agree with every teaching style presented, but I know this book helped me greatly in my parenting and my own insights.
October 17, 2022
I grew up in a home where we never talked about anything related to sex etc. Mom gave me a crash course on menstrual periods after my first period started. That was about it. So now I have three teenagers. This book is a great book to help those of us who are not sure how to talk to our kids about these things. I particularly like the chapter on modesty. It gave me a new perspective on what modesty really is. The LGBTQ and pornography chapters were good too. It’s hard to know how to talk about those things with kids sometimes. I know we need to though. It’s such a different world from when I grew up. I wish I had read this book five years ago when my kids started asking questions. I would have had much better answers.
Great book. I think I am going to buy it.
Great book. I think I am going to buy it.
March 20, 2019
Geared to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, with quotes from apostles and other church leaders. Loved the open communication approach and making sexuality the norm, but with the added component of spirituality. I was surprised and thrilled to also have chapters discussing modesty, dating, same-sex attraction, and more. It was great to have examples, scenarios, and highlights - sometimes missing in how-to books. I'll be referencing this book for reminders in the future.
March 13, 2021
I think this book is great for Latter-day Saint parents looking for positive ways to teach their children about healthy, positive sexuality in a faith-promoting way. The book approaches the subject both topically (self-touching, sexual development, sexual attraction, same-sex attraction, etc.) and by age (with suggestions of how to approach these subjects with different age ranges). The book does this all with an attitude of positivity, treating sexuality as a wonderful thing instead of a thing to be shamed or shut down.
April 27, 2020
This book is written for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). The authors clearly understand church culture and integrate gospel teaching with science flawlessly. I particularly appreciated the chapter on modesty due to the messages I received at church growing up. I think this is a great resource for any LDS parent trying to tackle this topic (especially with the likelihood that there was very little modeling from their own parents.)
July 1, 2020
I feel like this is an excellent resource for parents/guardians. This book has helped me to feel more confident in discussing these less than comfortable topics with my children. It even includes chapters on pornography and same sex attraction. There were so many things I hadn't even thought about needing to discuss with my kids, but this book brought them to my attention. I feel more prepared now to have formal, as well as informal, discussions with my kids on this topic.
March 23, 2022
great (well-researched) perspectives and easy to use conversational examples, especially on keeping things POSITIVE instead of so negative and shaming around sexuality. I thought it was a good balance of being open and positive with children, while still teaching respect and privacy. Very matter of fact and down to earth, and informative in a way that isn't overwhelming, but still left wondering quite how to balance it all!
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October 16, 2023I read this for one of my classes. I go to BYU, so it would make sense that this book is targeted more towards lds/religious parents. It lays out a good foundation for parents to teach their children about sexual wholeness and creating boundaries. while I don’t agree with everything I read, I think that the way this book talks about sex and sexuality is a better way of teaching than a lot of lds kids got growing up from their parents, church leaders, etc.
January 11, 2019
I work closely with many of these authors and I highly recommend this book. This book is like a parenting book that teaches people how to have strong marriages and discuss difficult things with kids. I think latter-day saint culture has missed the mark on how we take about sex, but these BYU professors know their stuff and can help anyone get in the right track!
June 30, 2019
This is a very useful book to teach your children about sex from a Christian perspective. It comes at the subject that "Sexual wholeness" is the goal. It is a non-shaming approach to helping your children embrace healthy sexuality within marriage, and tackles challenging subjects very frankly and lovingly.
August 10, 2021
This is a great resource for parents to teaching children about sex. I love how the authors give all the reasons why! Growing up I was told to be modest, but why? The answers were always lame and never really got to the core issues. I loved the ideas for working through pornography and masturbation habits as well. Great resource. I recommend you learn something.
June 9, 2023
I'm not a parent but I took a child guidance class and we had to read this book for it. I wish every kid had the privilege of such honest and open communication about sexuality as is displayed in this book instead of all the harmful metaphors that we were fed. If/when I have kids someday, I'll be taking the things I picked up from this book with me.
June 26, 2025
I highly recommend this book for anyone who is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that wants to raise their kids with a healthy view of sex and sexuality. There is also a great section in the back that directly addresses popular difficult topics and how to safely navigate them.
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