The Sister Knot: Why We Fight, Why We're Jealous, and Why We'll Love Each Other No Matter What

by Terri Apter

“The best book on sisters, very important and beautifully written.”―Carol Gilligan, author of In a Different Voice This “substantial contribution to the literature on sibling relationships” ( Library Journal ) explores the intricacy, friction, and love in bonds between sisters. Relationships between women are often freighted with a rocky mix of emotions―devotion and disregard, affection and loathing, admiration and envy―leading to anguish and confusion on the playground, in the home, and in the boardroom. Negotiating her layered feelings toward a sister shapes a woman’s psychology as forcefully as do her relationships with her parents. Drawing on compelling interviews and new research, Terri Apter considers the many aspects of the sister relationship from birth through adulthood. The need to fight to differentiate oneself from a sister, as well the protectiveness one feels for that same person, is explained by reference to extensive psychological and biological evidence.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology

304 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2007

Reviews

[Nicola]

The sister knot isn't actually defined in this book, but my understanding is that it's the conflicting pulls of sisterly love and sibling rivalry, particular for sisters, brought up to the expectation that females care for and nurture others. So brothers don't have the same knot -- they are expected to be competitive -- and Apter makes the very good point that research into siblings often fails to reflect this crucial difference in brotherly and sisterly experience (at least if we assume traditional gender roles). The book expresses well the huge emotional power in sisterhood, a relationship usually more lasting than that with parents or children. I thought the source material is very strong, using some quite compelling quotes from her interviews of a dozen or so varied sets of sisters and drawing on her own sisterly experiences. I am unsure though exactly who this book is aimed at. It's written in a popular science style, sometimes with highly melodramatic language, but it has a bibliography, a detailed (if inconsistent) index and chapter notes. Psychological terms are often brought in without real explanation. Researchers are sometimes named, maybe without any introduction, and sometimes not. Who is Fleur Adcock, for example, who pops up with no explanation, then disappears? Why am I expected to be familiar with details of Jacqueline du Pre`s love triangle? I'm pretty familiar with sibling research but not that well up on psychoanalysis, and I simply didn't understand some references: there's usually an unstated assumption that the reader will just know and take as gospel truth whatever terms are introduced. I think some ideas are based on Melanie Klein's ideas, but her name isn't in the index. These flaws are a shame, because the source material is great, and has much resonance for me, being one of 4 sisters. Apter raises really interesting questions about different life stages, sisters' views on their siblings' boyfriends, relations between multiple sisters, how sisters deal with ageing and death of their parents. If this book had a really careful editor, more on the source material and toned down a bit on the melodrama, it would be a high rating from me. It got me thinking about other books, fiction and non-fiction, on sisters (Jane Smiley's A Thousand Acres? Lynn Reid Banks's Bronte biographies?) but a quick search yielded plenty of mawkishness and sensationalism. Maybe that bears out Apter's idea that sisters are deeply loving but ready to kill!

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was looking for more from this book than I felt it ended up offering. Apter used lots of psychology jargon but mostly it didn't feel like it said a whole lot. Most frustrating was that I never found a place where she actually defined "the sister knot" -- she kept referring to it, but it seemed like she should have laid out a clear definition of the term, and I never found one, not even in the chapter CALLED "The Sister Knot." I think she assumed that the reader would have a certain familiarity with psych jargon used to talk about sibling relationships, and with the previous scholarly literature on the topic, and I don't have that background. It did pick up a bit in the 2nd half of the book, where she had more real-life examples from interviews with pairs or groups of sisters, but in the end I'm not sure I got much out of this book. Hopefully Deborah Tannen's You Were Always Mom's Favorite will be a better read on this topic.

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

The psychology of sister relationships. Read after a particularly nasty fight with one of my sisters. Don't be deterred by the title ("...why we'll love each other no matter what"), it's actually an interesting book.

Juno & Juliet deals with twins/sisters much better though.

[Susan Katz · Rating 1 out of 5]

BORING!!!

[Cindy Whiteaker · Rating 1 out of 5]

Terrible. Couldn’t even finish it. Reads like a thesis paper.

[Ali · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wasn't a fan of this book, unfortunately. I found little substance other than sorry little retellings of sibling conflicts. I didn't feel like there was any conclusion or depth to the book.

[Skillgannona · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did enjoy this, though not as much as the Difficult Mothers book she also wrote. I think this is due in part to the fact that in the latter she mentions the effects on sisters with a narcissist mother, who often can be pitted against each other as me and my sister were. However nothing like that was really delved into in The Sister Knot. Nonetheless it read almost as easy as the one on Mothers and was just as informative if not that applicable to me in most respects.
I did get some great insight onto the sisterly bond I have shared with female friends and how envy can creep into these which can make you feel awful about yourself. I had no idea that there was this deep sister psychology behind female friendships, even after reading 'I know how you feel' which I thought was such a beautiful manifesto about just that. This gave me even more richness, and personal insight about the sister bonds I have been trying to make with female friends in lieu of my own. It's also given me further context to female competitiveness beyond any internalised misogyny I would have put it down to before.

[Suzanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

A book to come back to perhaps. It is a little academic, yet doesn't ever really seem to get to the point of what the author is trying to say. There was some interesting parts, explaining the psychology of the relationship.
As I have a younger sister it was very relevant to me. But I suppose the sisters, as shown by the great many case studies provided in the book, are the expert on the subject.
Readers I imagine, like me want to know the why, why, why, why! Not the how, we've been there and done that. And I think the emphasis was a little too much on the how and not enough on the why.
But for a sister, it is an interesting read all the same, and I think it's a book I will definitely come back to again in the future.

[stephanie]

fascinating study of sisters - in a way that hasn't been done before, looking at it from a very feminist perspective - and definitely ruling out the oedipus/elektra complexes, and deals more with how siblings create existential crises for each other - in that you suddenly realize you have someone else in your life that could replace you, that your "self" as you've defined it has changed, and will continue to change - but it's a very small study done in the UK, so i am interested to see her conclusions.

[Alisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointing. I picked this up hoping for examples of real sister relationships, anecdotes, snippets from interviews, etc. According to the introduction, the author did interview a lot of siblings, but rather than use these interviews to illustrate her theories, she keeps the details to herself and merely reiterates her theories, repeatedly. Also, the author seems always to be arguing with some invisible 'other', as if she is defending a deprecated viewpoint - but since I went into this w/o a viewpoint, looking for information and insight, felt a bit like I was being pummeled unfairly.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

SWE Book Club Dec 2011

This book was okay; it did not meet my expectations. Although some of the anecdotes were interesting, I found myself scratching my head after finishing the book, thinking, "Okay, now what?" The author describes all these various sibling scenarios (sisters or otherwise), but doesn't give suggestions or insight about how to improve those relationhips as children or adults. Also, there are clearly no prototypical relationships amongst siblings, as evidenced in her book and our book club discussion. So, some thought-provoking a-ha moments, but that's about it.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a very interesting book about relationships between sisters and a little about siblings in general. I really got into it more in the last few chapters as it seemed to dig more into some of the questions/thoughts I had regarding sisters. There was some interesting thoughts on the dynamics between two sisters and also between families that had more than two and/or a brother mixed in as well.

[Karen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eeh...yeah we fight, yeah we still count on each other, I didn't see anything fresh or new here.

I'm not a huge fan of self help style books, but they should at least amuse me or surprise me or something to keep me reading. This was like a rehash of every Redbook article you have read in the doctors office about how to make it work with your sister. But much l o n g e r . . . .

[Charlotte · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very detailed examination of the bonds and disagreements inevitable to close sisterhood, with some forays into female friendships as well. A bit dry and more academic than the title chosen to sell books indicates. A Shakespeare quote early in the book does remind me I really need to read him some time. Woefully ignorant. Iago says, "He hath a daily beauty in his life that makes me ugly."

[Janie · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good book about sibling relationships, especially between girls -- something we could use more literature on, but not executed at top notch.

[Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting but a bit too academic...

[Hayley.yule · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wanted to read it but was disappointed only a few pages in

[Kayla Anderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, especially as someone who has 4 sisters. I related with a lot of the information shared.

[Dina Guardado · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book for sisters to read together.

[Kelly Salasin]

I was hoping for something transformative but instead found "what is."
That in itself is a gift.
I'm learning.
#sistering