Love between Equals: Relationship as a Spiritual Path

by Polly Young-Eisendrath

Learn how to successfully negotiate conflicts and deepen our most intimate relationships in this practical and thoughtful guide by an experienced Buddhist teacher, psychotherapist, and couples counselor. 
 
A committed relationship, as most people see it today, is a partnership of equals who share values and goals, a team united by love and dedicated to each other’s growth on every level. This contemporary model for coupledom requires real intention and work, and, more often than not, the traditional archetypes of relationships experienced by our parents and grandparents fail us or seem irrelevant. Utilizing the wisdom of her years of personal and professional practice, Young-Eisendrath dismantles our idealized projections about love, while revealing how mindfulness and communication can help us identify and honor the differences with our partners and strengthen our bonds. These practical and time-tested guidelines are rooted in sound understanding of modern psychology and offer concrete ideas and the necessary tools to reinforce and reinvigorate our deepest relationships.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Love, Spirituality

240 pages, Paperback

Published January 15, 2019

About the author

Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., is a Jungian analyst, psychologist, and psychotherapist in private practice. She is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Vermont and the founder and director of the Institute for Dialogue Therapy. She is past president of the Vermont Association for Psychoanalytic Studies and a founding member of the Vermont Institute for the Psychotherapies. Polly is also the chairperson of Enlightening Conversations, a series of conversational conferences which bring together participants from the front lines of Buddhism and psychoanalysis. Polly has published sixteen books, as well as many chapters and articles, that have been translated into more than twenty languages, including The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance> and Love Between Equals: Relationship as a Spiritual Path>.

Reviews

[Lindsey Longendyke · Rating 4 out of 5]

The concepts and advice in this book are invaluable. I feel much more empowered to be party to a fulfilling and loving relationship thanks to its wisdom. My only complaint is that I wish the author had used more examples to illustrate some of the concepts she describes, as her language is often academic and can at times be difficult to follow for those of us outside of her field.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best relationship book I’ve ever read. Most people seem to have a distorted understanding of what a relationship should feel like, which leads people in the 21st century to end relationships the moment the “in love” stage is over and the REAL relationship begins. Developing “true love” with a partner is about patience, mindfulness, communication, curiosity, compassion, and an acceptance that no one will ever be “perfect,” and that long-lasting intimacy and partnership comes from this realization. True love is not only an invitation to grow as a a person, but to embrace the understanding that our partners are growing, too, and to find ways to make space in the relationship to grow together.

[- Andrew · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was recommended to read to Polly, because the manger of a jungian school that I learned a lot from. Being interested in Buddhism and Jungian, is what makes this book stands for providing a slightly variant approach to how psychologists are covering such area like human bounding, in respect of attachment style, whither a person is secure, dismissive, avoidance or anxious. How early family dynamics effects lots of aspects on this area.

Beside the psychological approach of how we tend to self project on the people we see our reflection on them, and the effect of over self stimulation, and the differences between desires, romance, or merely physical appearance, compared the great measure was made to differentiate between that all, and the mature, static, stable act of personal love, as Polly name it, and spend a great length of defining the demands of this responsibility, that carries with it such roles and responsibilities. The important of communicating our needs, and not withdrawing, or act on passive or active aggrieve, that too is a form of handling our inner unconscious takes and concers that needs to be pulled into the surface to be better handled.

It’s sure seems like challenging object; and once never learned lessons without undertaking the hardest path, as Jung says.


“As Carl Jung said in his 1925 essay “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship,” “Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crises. There is no birth of consciousness without pain”




The book kinda reminds me of the course of love, the novel written by Alan De Botton. Interaction with others also requires great maturity and self awareness from both parties, yet ones must remain in remembrance of once individuation, and how we are more than the sum of our bound with others.


While reading this book, I couldn’t just to remmber the same exact teaching in Islam and Quran, which describes the dynamic of soild marrieg, not as instant spark that will soon vanishes, but rather a sort of mercy, compassion and empathy. And by having such teleological intentions, it becomes an act of spirituality indeed.



And of His signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you might reside with them, and has put kindness and mercy between you. Surely, there are signs in this for those who think. (21)
Sura 30: AL-ROOM (THE ROMANS) - Juz' 21

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book to savor, a book to come back to again and again, and a book to hold close no matter where you are in terms of a loving relationship. I read it somewhat quickly to write a review for Psych Central, but I really can't wait to read it slowly, to linger and let the material process and sink in, to let it integrate as I go, and to develop a practice around the ideas she presents. The author is a psychologist and psychoanalyst with a couples therapy practice, a woman with life experience, and a long-time practicing Buddhist, and she brings all this to bear in a well-integrated exploration of relationship as a spiritual practice. It's also well-written, which is not always the case.

This would make a great gift for just about everyone, including yourself.

[Rennie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book in terms of both my own relational development and providing couples therapy. The Buddhist concept—discussed frequently in this book—that we are born the way we are for unique reasons, including limitations, feels very important and freeing to me. At the same time, I don’t agree with or appreciate the way this is clearly used to promote gender essentialism.

[Lizz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Many passages to love, but overall ruined by strange and irrelevant commentary, especially on trans youth.

I listened to the audiobook version and was initially very impressed. This is the first audiobook that I've stopped multiple times to take notes on the text, with so many insightful points. I noticed early on that the author made some gender-essentialist points and described living a certain gender role as "learning to live within external constraints", as though that's universally a positive spiritual growth process. She also relied on stereotypes to describe some less-common relationship models, for example confusing polyamory with swinging and stating that non-monogamy always undermines trust in a relationship. (As though there is no way to work through the challenges?) Nevertheless, with some of the beautiful points in the early chapters, I stuck with it, hoping that I could just ignore the pieces that didn't resonate with me.

In the last chapter, "Friends, Family, and Marriage in the 21st Century", things go off the rails. The author dives into a long, irrelevant, oppressive commentary about how young people cannot understand gender expression and should not be allowed to make "life altering decisions" until they are ~25. She makes the argument that showing love for one's child who is questioning their gender is about insisting they learn to live within the constraints set by -- I suppose -- adults who know better. This section repeats many common points of hand-wringing about transness, without touching on any actual research or lived experience of trans youth. The author is out of her depth. Moreover, the section is totally unnecessary to the central thesis of the book. Why include it at all?

For me, these themes evidenced the author's blind spots in an uncomfortable way. I stopped listening with only about 30 minutes remaining. I don't plan to go back.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want to move through the three stages of romantic relationships and experience true love, this book is for you. Full of Buddhist wisdom and proven psychological strategies, Love Between Equals challenges us to move out of falling in love and move through creating an intimate enemy (where most romantic relationships fail) and move into true love--the ability of two individuals to love and accept each other as they are.

Do not attempt to practice the principles in this book if you are looking for something easy. The skills needed for true love require dedication and devotion and a ton of hard, and often, painful work. But the rewards are priceless!

[Taylor Ellwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

At times this book is preachy and the author makes clear from the beginning that she doesn’t think polyamorous relationships are viable. Nonetheless there are a lot of gems in this book about building conscious relationship with your partner. I read this book and applied it to my relationship to consider and recognize how I could show up with more conscious awareness and consideration about accepting my partners as they show up. It’s a dense read but there’s a lot worth considering in this book about building a spiritual and conscious relationship with your love.

[Danny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Among an ocean of relationship books out there, this should be at the top of one's list. It reshaped the way i thought of dialogue and communication. Though dense at times, the tools are immensely helpful and practical as she walks her readers through what deep, rewarding relationships look like and ...more importantly, the hard work involved in how to achieve this. I see myself referring back to her ideas again and again.

[Charly Hrnndz · Rating 3 out of 5]

De mucho a poco

El libro comienza con mucha fuerza y con una belleza en las palabras y una carga de imágenes que no logra sostener, a la mitad del libro tr das cuenta que éste parece dar vueltas, que ws repetitivo, carece de rumbo y no aterriza las ideas. Al final me quedo preguntándome, qué es true love y como sugiere la escritora que se alcanza?

[Madison Weaver · Rating 2 out of 5]

Found the first 4/5 of book insightful, useful, and touching. I overlooked some of the gender-essentialist and stereotyping language early on because I found so many of the author’s other insights salient. The clear anti-trans comments in the final chapter really threw me off and made me question the perspective and validity of her work.

[Elior Elkayam · Rating 4 out of 5]

That is a great book. It helped my internalize what love between equals mean as well as what a healthy relationship looks like between friends and parents. I just wish there were more concrete examples for these good ideas.

[Kira Nerys]

Begun September 2020. Found some concepts very influential to my thought, but it dropped off my radar--I'm not great at finishing nonfiction at the best of times. Hoping to go back to it eventually, I believe I would find more to value.

[William · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended by a friend for my upcoming marriage. Holding anything that will make it successful and happy dear. This, included. I have an open and curious mind to any good counsel, and this is a good faith effort here.

[Nat · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some incredibly horrifying statements like “suicide is the ultimate passive aggression” ruin a book that otherwise has some interesting explorations of love and romance. Can’t recommend this one, because the nasty stuff makes it hard to trust any of the so-called “research.”

[Stefan Kruk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful book

[LemontreeLime · Rating 5 out of 5]

So spot on I’m elevating it to my favorites now. Will have to reread this many times and will still get it wrong I’m certain. But this shows there’s hope. It could be better. But not easy.

[Dianne Ludwig · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very valuable information and guidance

[Kelli O'Keefe · Rating 4 out of 5]

A guide to peer marriages/relationships. Some gems in this book about building a conscious relationship with your partner & active ways to put them into practice.

[EIJANDOLUM · Rating 3 out of 5]

Knowing & accepting in-depth that *insert your favorite term of endearment.*

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Young-Eisendrath infuses her Buddhist faith into her clinical work as a therapist. As human beings, we are always operating under the conditions of interdependence, impermanence, and imperfection. We are all connected, despite our denial and our cultural pinnacle of independence. Everything, including our very bodies, will someday be no more. And despite our best efforts for control and perfection, nothing will ever be so. Newly in love, we see our lover through rose-colored glasses and our own glowing possibility. Once the infatuation passes, what we have idealized and overlooked in the relationship now is front and center to make peace with. While this stage often disappoints people, and the most dejected may constantly shuffle from relationship to relationship, the dissolving of that high allows for a truly intimate and loving connection that allows for conflict and disappointment and repair(imperfection), peace with relying on another person (interdependence), and cherishing the time we have together (impermanence). This is a great work that opens up love relationships to study in a Buddhist perspective.

* Please see my other suggested relationship resources on my website, www.thecouplessyllabus.com *

[Kevin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Took me well over a year to be emotionally ready to read this. While there are some good nuggets in here, unfortunately my long wait was rewarded with a lot of repetition, jargon, and a general feeling that I was wasting my time. I wanted to enjoy this book and grow with it, but I couldn't - I hope others find it more meaningful!