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Happy Ever After: Escaping the Myths of the Perfect Life
Get a good education, be successful, get married, have kids and look after your health. This is what we're told will make us happy. But what if these stories are doing more harm than good?
In Happy Ever After, bestselling happiness expert Professor Paul Dolan draws on groundbreaking research and data to bust the common myths about happiness and show that the path to fulfilment is actually far more unexpected than we thought. With straight-talking wisdom, he invites us to reappraise our values, free our minds from the 'narrative traps' of conventional wisdom and write our own version of the good life, based on maximising positive, meaningful experiences that can generate new social benefits - not least greater tolerance for different ways of life.
Happiness isn't what you're told. It's what you do.
In Happy Ever After, bestselling happiness expert Professor Paul Dolan draws on groundbreaking research and data to bust the common myths about happiness and show that the path to fulfilment is actually far more unexpected than we thought. With straight-talking wisdom, he invites us to reappraise our values, free our minds from the 'narrative traps' of conventional wisdom and write our own version of the good life, based on maximising positive, meaningful experiences that can generate new social benefits - not least greater tolerance for different ways of life.
Happiness isn't what you're told. It's what you do.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published January 3, 2019
173 people are currently reading
2306 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 125 reviews
January 30, 2019
Happy Ever After by Paul Dolan is a book about uncovering myths about a perfect life. These myths, also known as the happiness narrative, are what we tend to think what makes us happy, but often we are better off abandoning this narrative.
Dolan is a behavioral scientist and thus has, not surprisingly, a very scientific way of looking at this. However, I liked it that he made it more human and relatable by giving his own interpretations of things at times, whilst still leaving space for readers to disagree. The book consistently worked through several topics on which we are vulnerable to the happiness narrative. Ranging from marriage, kids, health, and education there will probably be chapters to which you can relate more than others, but I found several of them to be real eye-openers!
Furthermore, I really felt that Dolan was his unapologetic self while writing this book. There is some swearing, but he also explains why, and I found it hilarious that somebody actually thought that he should not swear because of his position as an academic. For fuck sake how ridiculous is that! Then there is also this thing with not reading fiction (weird, if you’d ask me but hey, who am I to judge). Besides that this provides for some of the ‘easier’ content of the book, it also taught me another lesson about not falling for the narrative traps that we so easily want to adhere to without realizing if that really is what makes us happy.
This book provided me with some interesting things to think about, it was not filled with jargon and thus a relatively relaxing read. My rating is 3,5 out of 5 stars. I received a digital review copy of this book from Penguin Books (UK) in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are entirely my own.
Dolan is a behavioral scientist and thus has, not surprisingly, a very scientific way of looking at this. However, I liked it that he made it more human and relatable by giving his own interpretations of things at times, whilst still leaving space for readers to disagree. The book consistently worked through several topics on which we are vulnerable to the happiness narrative. Ranging from marriage, kids, health, and education there will probably be chapters to which you can relate more than others, but I found several of them to be real eye-openers!
Furthermore, I really felt that Dolan was his unapologetic self while writing this book. There is some swearing, but he also explains why, and I found it hilarious that somebody actually thought that he should not swear because of his position as an academic. For fuck sake how ridiculous is that! Then there is also this thing with not reading fiction (weird, if you’d ask me but hey, who am I to judge). Besides that this provides for some of the ‘easier’ content of the book, it also taught me another lesson about not falling for the narrative traps that we so easily want to adhere to without realizing if that really is what makes us happy.
This book provided me with some interesting things to think about, it was not filled with jargon and thus a relatively relaxing read. My rating is 3,5 out of 5 stars. I received a digital review copy of this book from Penguin Books (UK) in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are entirely my own.
September 10, 2020
Don't get married, don't have kids, party hard, eat fat and get fat, settle down at $75k per annum. Not that I don't find some of it appealing. But (a) it's one man's vision of happiness and not a recipe, and (b) it misses out on so much (like learning, seeing the world, etc.). I'd give it a negative rating if I could.
December 20, 2019
Dolan writes about how the “dominant social narratives” restrict our idea of what we have to do with our lives, and suggests that sometimes happiness is to be found outside of them. His topics include education, wealth, marriage and children. Some of the statistics he quotes are truly arresting, e.g. “twice as many people in the US compared to the UK are seemingly willing to be miserable in order to be wealthy.”
February 22, 2019
Based on the description for this book I thought I was going to be reading a self-help book. But instead I found it to be more like a text book for academics on the subject of happiness complete with graphs, or in the case of my kindle ARC no graphs, which wasn't helpful. I can only assume if you buy the kindle edition there will be graphs.
I was off to a bad start with this book when the author proclaimed that as an LSE professor he was not expected to swear. He then goes on to say that there is no correlation to swearing being due to poor vocabulary/and or low intelligence. There is however evidence to suggest that students pay more attention to a teacher who swears! That's my exclamation point. The author then says that swearing is only ever harmful when it is aggressive or abusive and proceeds to litter the book with swearing as if to prove his point. This I found unnecessary and crude and felt it didn't help me learn in the slightest.
The book carries this rather sanctimonious attitude throughout and really I felt I was being preached at. Yes, there are studies in the US and UK reported with "x" results - but we all know about statistics! I thought this book was going to be a little bit more real life than quoting research at me.
At the beginning of each chapter you are asked two questions about yourself and then the same two questions thinking about them in relation to a friend - at the end of each chapter the conclusion is then revealed. When I wrote papers my conclusion had to be a paragraph - succinct, sum up what I had written. Unfortunately the conclusions in this book were so long winded and over many pages, that I lost the point of the conclusion.
There were a few glimpses of things that I thought - "now this is interesting" but they passed and in the main I found the book unappealing. If you are going to be writing a thesis I can imagine you will find plenty of material to quote in this book. If you are just someone interested in being happier maybe look up the art of hygge!
I'm giving this book 3 out of 5 stars.
I was off to a bad start with this book when the author proclaimed that as an LSE professor he was not expected to swear. He then goes on to say that there is no correlation to swearing being due to poor vocabulary/and or low intelligence. There is however evidence to suggest that students pay more attention to a teacher who swears! That's my exclamation point. The author then says that swearing is only ever harmful when it is aggressive or abusive and proceeds to litter the book with swearing as if to prove his point. This I found unnecessary and crude and felt it didn't help me learn in the slightest.
The book carries this rather sanctimonious attitude throughout and really I felt I was being preached at. Yes, there are studies in the US and UK reported with "x" results - but we all know about statistics! I thought this book was going to be a little bit more real life than quoting research at me.
At the beginning of each chapter you are asked two questions about yourself and then the same two questions thinking about them in relation to a friend - at the end of each chapter the conclusion is then revealed. When I wrote papers my conclusion had to be a paragraph - succinct, sum up what I had written. Unfortunately the conclusions in this book were so long winded and over many pages, that I lost the point of the conclusion.
There were a few glimpses of things that I thought - "now this is interesting" but they passed and in the main I found the book unappealing. If you are going to be writing a thesis I can imagine you will find plenty of material to quote in this book. If you are just someone interested in being happier maybe look up the art of hygge!
I'm giving this book 3 out of 5 stars.
December 21, 2020
It is a source of immense frustration to many social scientists that people rarely do what those scientists think they should. They have come up with lots of theories as to why people do things they ‘shouldn’t’. The most famous is Karl Marx’s notion of ‘False consciousness‘, which held that “members of the proletariat unwittingly misperceive their real position in society and systematically misunderstand their genuine interests within the social relations of production under capitalism.” In other words, workers would all be Marxists if only they weren’t duped by the bourgeoisie. Thankfully they had Marx to tell them what they really needed.
A more recent attempt comes from Paul Dolan, a Professor of Behavioural Science at the London School of Economics. In his recent book ‘Happy Ever After: A Radical New Approach to Living Well‘, Dolan sets out to explain, like Marx, why people do things he thinks they shouldn’t.
Take the famous Easterlin Paradox, for example. Based on data for incomes over time and surveys of self-reported happiness, this finds that happiness does not trend upward as income continues to grow. If we are poor, more money makes us much happier, but as we get richer the extra happiness brought by each extra dollar declines, eventually becoming negative in some tellings. If this is true, why do people keep on pushing to earn more money when it won’t make them any happier?
Dolan argues that it is because we are slaves to “social narratives” – that is, cultural assumptions and expectations that tell us how we ought to be have. Among these is the idea that money brings happiness. Recognizing these social narratives and their flimsy foundations is the basis of Dolan’s radical new approach to living well.
But, often, Dolan seems to be simply trying to swap one social narrative for another. For example, he argues for higher taxes on the rich with the revenue raised to be redistributed to the poor. But, theoretically, if you are successful in breaking the hold of the social narrative and people stop flogging their guts out to earn more money, there will be no tax revenue to be redistributed. The book falls several times into the same confusion many contemporary advocates of higher taxes on the rich do: are these higher rates supposed to fund greater transfer payments or deter people from becoming rich in the first place? It is either one or the other, but it cannot be both.
And how empirically rigorous is all this? Take the Easterlin Paradox, for example, the origin of this field. Investigating the relationship between subjective wellbeing and income, the economists Daniel W. Sacks, Betsey Stevenson, and Justin Wolfers found that:
…within a given country, rich individuals are more satisfied with their lives than poorer individuals and we find that richer countries have significantly higher levels of average life satisfaction. Studying the time series relationship between satisfaction and income, we find that economic growth is associated with increases in life satisfaction.
If true, trying to earn more money makes sense from a happiness perspective. It is a reasonably logical thing to do. We do not need to concoct the specter of “social narratives” to explain why people do it anymore than Marx needed to invent false consciousness to explain why impoverished workers like consumer goods.
Dolan implies that higher taxes on the rich, used to fund expanded transfer payments, would make society happier. But, looking at the relationship over time between government spending and self-reported happiness, economists Helen Johns and Paul Ormerod find that:
Public expenditure, whether represented by absolute levels or growth rates, is not correlated over time with happiness. After allowing for inflation, between 1973 and 2004 public spending in the USA almost doubled. In Britain, it rose by 60 per cent. Yet in both countries recorded happiness was a mere 2 per cent higher.
Nor do they find any relationship between self-reported happiness and income inequality, as measured by the Gini coefficient.
This is not to suggest that Dolan is simply playing to a ‘progressive’ gallery. One of the narratives he has in his sights is that why people give to charity is more important than that they do. Another is that we should prioritize our health above anything else. Instead, Dolan rightly sees that there are trade offs, that extra health is bought at a cost, say, never pigging out on ice cream ever again. That cost, too, brings benefits (if you like ice cream), so all a fixation on health means is trading one set of benefits for another. In the context of Covid-19 and policy making, this is admirably brave.
There is a lot of value to be had from the book’s summary of various pieces of research: I learned that darker rooms are more conducive to creativity than brighter rooms. Happy Ever After is a rewarding read, if not a convincing one.
A more recent attempt comes from Paul Dolan, a Professor of Behavioural Science at the London School of Economics. In his recent book ‘Happy Ever After: A Radical New Approach to Living Well‘, Dolan sets out to explain, like Marx, why people do things he thinks they shouldn’t.
Take the famous Easterlin Paradox, for example. Based on data for incomes over time and surveys of self-reported happiness, this finds that happiness does not trend upward as income continues to grow. If we are poor, more money makes us much happier, but as we get richer the extra happiness brought by each extra dollar declines, eventually becoming negative in some tellings. If this is true, why do people keep on pushing to earn more money when it won’t make them any happier?
Dolan argues that it is because we are slaves to “social narratives” – that is, cultural assumptions and expectations that tell us how we ought to be have. Among these is the idea that money brings happiness. Recognizing these social narratives and their flimsy foundations is the basis of Dolan’s radical new approach to living well.
But, often, Dolan seems to be simply trying to swap one social narrative for another. For example, he argues for higher taxes on the rich with the revenue raised to be redistributed to the poor. But, theoretically, if you are successful in breaking the hold of the social narrative and people stop flogging their guts out to earn more money, there will be no tax revenue to be redistributed. The book falls several times into the same confusion many contemporary advocates of higher taxes on the rich do: are these higher rates supposed to fund greater transfer payments or deter people from becoming rich in the first place? It is either one or the other, but it cannot be both.
And how empirically rigorous is all this? Take the Easterlin Paradox, for example, the origin of this field. Investigating the relationship between subjective wellbeing and income, the economists Daniel W. Sacks, Betsey Stevenson, and Justin Wolfers found that:
…within a given country, rich individuals are more satisfied with their lives than poorer individuals and we find that richer countries have significantly higher levels of average life satisfaction. Studying the time series relationship between satisfaction and income, we find that economic growth is associated with increases in life satisfaction.
If true, trying to earn more money makes sense from a happiness perspective. It is a reasonably logical thing to do. We do not need to concoct the specter of “social narratives” to explain why people do it anymore than Marx needed to invent false consciousness to explain why impoverished workers like consumer goods.
Dolan implies that higher taxes on the rich, used to fund expanded transfer payments, would make society happier. But, looking at the relationship over time between government spending and self-reported happiness, economists Helen Johns and Paul Ormerod find that:
Public expenditure, whether represented by absolute levels or growth rates, is not correlated over time with happiness. After allowing for inflation, between 1973 and 2004 public spending in the USA almost doubled. In Britain, it rose by 60 per cent. Yet in both countries recorded happiness was a mere 2 per cent higher.
Nor do they find any relationship between self-reported happiness and income inequality, as measured by the Gini coefficient.
This is not to suggest that Dolan is simply playing to a ‘progressive’ gallery. One of the narratives he has in his sights is that why people give to charity is more important than that they do. Another is that we should prioritize our health above anything else. Instead, Dolan rightly sees that there are trade offs, that extra health is bought at a cost, say, never pigging out on ice cream ever again. That cost, too, brings benefits (if you like ice cream), so all a fixation on health means is trading one set of benefits for another. In the context of Covid-19 and policy making, this is admirably brave.
There is a lot of value to be had from the book’s summary of various pieces of research: I learned that darker rooms are more conducive to creativity than brighter rooms. Happy Ever After is a rewarding read, if not a convincing one.
February 2, 2020
An interesting little book discussing whether the social narratives many of us strive for are actually making us happier. Looking at them through a lens of reverse utilitarianism (working towards the least misery), Dolan examines 9 narratives that are usually forced upon us and the data about whether they make us more or less happy. The nine are: wealth, success, education, marriage, monogamy, children, altruism, healthiness and volition. Spoiler alert: generally they don't make us happier. Each one of them struck a cord and made me think of either past me chasing this, or people who I know are striving to complete a narrative regardless of their happiness or mental health; working endlessly in order to get a house to show off, or pushy people assuming childless people can't possibly be as happy as those who procreate. There is also an interesting chapter on volition, about how much of our life's events are really down to our own free will, and how much we assume our successes are our own but not our misfortunes. There's a lot to digest in such a small book, and it really makes me realise how far I have come with all the many hours of therapy, because in his self-assessments throughout, I was in the happy minority. :)
Why have I given it three? Some of the studies cited are ones I know from previous reads and I felt they were handled clumsily (one example is of the women being "aroused" by all manner of sexual activity. Actually, because women have been raped since the dawn of time, vaginas become lubricated to minimise damage: lubrication and arousal are not one and the same - see Emily Nagoski's book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life) which brought me out of the book and left me doubting other interpretations - rightly or wrongly.
Why have I given it three? Some of the studies cited are ones I know from previous reads and I felt they were handled clumsily (one example is of the women being "aroused" by all manner of sexual activity. Actually, because women have been raped since the dawn of time, vaginas become lubricated to minimise damage: lubrication and arousal are not one and the same - see Emily Nagoski's book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life) which brought me out of the book and left me doubting other interpretations - rightly or wrongly.
December 24, 2024
الكاتب هو باحث، يستعرض الدراسات المختلفة المتعلقة بثلاثة أصعدة (التحفيزية و العلائقية و المسؤولية).
الجميل في الكتاب أنه يوسع مفهوم السعادة عندنا، إنها ليست معادلة واحدة يجب على الجميع أن يسعى تجاهها.
الجميل في الكتاب أنه يوسع مفهوم السعادة عندنا، إنها ليست معادلة واحدة يجب على الجميع أن يسعى تجاهها.
November 4, 2024
I’m pretty surprised I never heard of this book or this author because this book is right up my alley. Paul Dolan wrote an excellent book about what does and doesn’t make us happy. If you enjoyed The Sweet Spot by Paul Bloom, you’ll definitely enjoy this book. Dolan debunks a lot of myths about what we think will make us happy by using a ton of research, which includes some of his own.
One thing I really appreciated about this book is that it comes out the gate with chapters on social class, social status, poverty, and other social issues and how they affect our happiness. An excellent book that everyone should check out.
One thing I really appreciated about this book is that it comes out the gate with chapters on social class, social status, poverty, and other social issues and how they affect our happiness. An excellent book that everyone should check out.
November 16, 2025
نقاش شجاع في سرديات اجتماعية وثقافية... تعرض المؤلف -بطريقة ذكية- لسردية الصحة وطول العمر وحقيقة ارتباطها بالسعادة، وشكك في جدوى إنفاق ربع ميزانية الصحة لعلاج أمراض طول العمر في آخر العمر، وفي جدوى الاصرار على استخدام أدوية علاج السرطان في حالات ميؤوس منها قد تطيل عمر الإنسان لبضعة أشهر قد تأتي حساب جودة حياته وتكلف مبالغ مالية طائلة كان من الممكن وضعها في خانات ضرورية أخرى، وتعرض لسردية ارتباط الإنجاب والأطفال بالسعادة... يستحق القراءة والنقاش العميق ويستحق معارضة بعض آراء كاتبه بشدة
January 24, 2022
Interesting. Behavioural scientist Paul Dolan here aims to put together something which takes a utilitarian view of human sociology, especially with regards happiness. He groups his thoughts into three sections (each of three subjects) dealing with the themes of wealth/success, love/family, and self-determination, and asks us to reject the common (Western) narratives for each, which might be making us unhappy.
Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot. The first third of the book - which seemed to be arguing that 'because money/success can't bring you happiness, we should take money from anyone who has more than just enough (for whatever reason) and give it to those who (for whatever reason) does not' - really lost me, and seemed more to be about the author railing about how uncomfortable he was being labelled 'middle class' than about anything to do with happiness. Human nature is like that, we want more (even just 'to be comfortable') as opposed to enough. This seemed to be a manifesto to praise the mediocre.
The latter two thirds were better - making more convincing and coherent arguments about the traditional marriage-monogamy-munchkins (OK, I couldn't think of a word for 'children' that began with M) route not being for anyone, and in the final chapter talking about conspicuous altruism being nothing to look down upon - but I was still left wondering how much of the statistics presented in this book were accurate and backed up the points made. Correlation and causation appear to be confused at points, and I think measuring happiness is always going to be difficult anyhow.
Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot. The first third of the book - which seemed to be arguing that 'because money/success can't bring you happiness, we should take money from anyone who has more than just enough (for whatever reason) and give it to those who (for whatever reason) does not' - really lost me, and seemed more to be about the author railing about how uncomfortable he was being labelled 'middle class' than about anything to do with happiness. Human nature is like that, we want more (even just 'to be comfortable') as opposed to enough. This seemed to be a manifesto to praise the mediocre.
The latter two thirds were better - making more convincing and coherent arguments about the traditional marriage-monogamy-munchkins (OK, I couldn't think of a word for 'children' that began with M) route not being for anyone, and in the final chapter talking about conspicuous altruism being nothing to look down upon - but I was still left wondering how much of the statistics presented in this book were accurate and backed up the points made. Correlation and causation appear to be confused at points, and I think measuring happiness is always going to be difficult anyhow.
March 19, 2019
Namby pamby arguments, the whole point of this book seems to be to promote the author's schtick as "working class professor".
By the way, forget what you knew about class theory. Apparently class is determined by your leisure activities. This guy sure has a chip on his shoulder about being into body building.
However, he has jumped well on the bandwagon by putting 'happiness' in the title, so it will surely sell a lot in our miserable modern societies.
By the way, forget what you knew about class theory. Apparently class is determined by your leisure activities. This guy sure has a chip on his shoulder about being into body building.
However, he has jumped well on the bandwagon by putting 'happiness' in the title, so it will surely sell a lot in our miserable modern societies.
September 8, 2023
This book was a breath of fresh air. Dolan discusses the societal narratives that we often feel pressured to follow and how we could all be happier if we forge our own path, regardless of what the narrative says.
My favourite quote -
“Just because something floats your boat does not mean that it will prevent someone else’s from sinking.”
Let’s move forward as a society with less judgement and be more accepting of those who choose different paths in life.
My favourite quote -
“Just because something floats your boat does not mean that it will prevent someone else’s from sinking.”
Let’s move forward as a society with less judgement and be more accepting of those who choose different paths in life.
Read
March 11, 2019The claims is: Some common beliefs of what leads to happiness held by society just aren’t backed up by data. Duh.
November 27, 2021
Quick to read. Sensible and reasonable. Quite enjoyable to read.
March 10, 2019
4.5 stars
This book is a fascinating read and an excellent chance for self and societal reflection. While I found the introduction very academic (it’s been a long time since I used the word deontological), the rest of the book gave a broad overview of the societal stories we continue to tell ourselves. It doesn’t seek to be an authority on each topic or to cover the field, but force introspection and assessment of how we continue to believe and uphold those narratives.
While the arguments in the book don’t make me think that happiness is achieved by unlocking certain achievements in society, it demonstrates how clearly we are subconsciously swayed by prevailing narratives. I found the chapters about income and self determination pretty eye opening.
This book is a fascinating read and an excellent chance for self and societal reflection. While I found the introduction very academic (it’s been a long time since I used the word deontological), the rest of the book gave a broad overview of the societal stories we continue to tell ourselves. It doesn’t seek to be an authority on each topic or to cover the field, but force introspection and assessment of how we continue to believe and uphold those narratives.
While the arguments in the book don’t make me think that happiness is achieved by unlocking certain achievements in society, it demonstrates how clearly we are subconsciously swayed by prevailing narratives. I found the chapters about income and self determination pretty eye opening.
October 14, 2023
It does not follow that evolution should be used as a social stick with which to beat those who do not want children, or as justification for pitying those who cannot have them. Just because species survival requires new generations, this does not place the burden on every member of society, especially now given the challenges of planetary overpopulation.
In Happy Ever After, Paul Dolan takes a look at the social narratives seen as the right way to live to attain happiness in life, and asks whether or not these stories we try to emulate are actually holding us back in our quest for happiness.
Some of the major questions Dolan discusses are thing such as: should you have children? Is monogamy optimal for happiness? Does wealth make us happier? What about education? And health?
Dolan dives into some excellent discussion of these topics, and his approach is slightly different from what you might expect. His bias is majorly utilitarian - looking at optimizing total happiness over individual happiness. One counterintuitive example is his claim that being overweight does not decrease happiness. Overweight people have no difference in happiness (morbidly obese people do), and they die earlier - sucking fewer resources from the public and saving all the skinny taxpayers money, much like smokers do. I'm not completely convinced by some of these arguments, but they are interesting food for thought. Many of his other arguments follow the same utilitarian mindset, such as pointing out the fact that having more children increases the burden placed on the planet and its scarce natural resources.
Dolan's writing is accessible and thought provoking. The wide range of common and relatable narratives are rich ground for thoughts and discussions to sprout from, and you may just find validation in your own ways of pursuing happiness.
In Happy Ever After, Paul Dolan takes a look at the social narratives seen as the right way to live to attain happiness in life, and asks whether or not these stories we try to emulate are actually holding us back in our quest for happiness.
Some of the major questions Dolan discusses are thing such as: should you have children? Is monogamy optimal for happiness? Does wealth make us happier? What about education? And health?
Dolan dives into some excellent discussion of these topics, and his approach is slightly different from what you might expect. His bias is majorly utilitarian - looking at optimizing total happiness over individual happiness. One counterintuitive example is his claim that being overweight does not decrease happiness. Overweight people have no difference in happiness (morbidly obese people do), and they die earlier - sucking fewer resources from the public and saving all the skinny taxpayers money, much like smokers do. I'm not completely convinced by some of these arguments, but they are interesting food for thought. Many of his other arguments follow the same utilitarian mindset, such as pointing out the fact that having more children increases the burden placed on the planet and its scarce natural resources.
Dolan's writing is accessible and thought provoking. The wide range of common and relatable narratives are rich ground for thoughts and discussions to sprout from, and you may just find validation in your own ways of pursuing happiness.
January 6, 2022
The book is organized into three sections: Reaching, Related, and Responsible. In Reaching, Dolan steps through the associations of happiness with education and career choices. In Related, he examines the correlations with items such as marriage and children.
These sections are primarily well written and well cited, and bring up some fascinating statistics: for example: married people are no happier than unmarried people. Children of parents with non-traditional relationships have many advantages in life.
However, the book largely falls apart in the final section, Responsible. Here, we learn about 3 additional "social narratives": Altruism, Health, and Free will. The psychological studies cited here are all incredibly sketchy and have inconsistent results - as the author freely admits.
This entire section is largely the author pushing his own narrative: for example, he berates us for judging those that choose to give themselves diabetes and lung cancer because, perhaps they've judged the happiness of a cigarette or a pizza outweighs the long-term effects. He fails to consider the option that people struggle to differentiate between immediate satisfaction and long-term happiness.
Additionally, he spends the last chapter of the this section claiming that our life outcomes are entirely pre-determined and therefore we should stop encouraging people to improve their situations, and give them handouts instead because it's not their fault. I, for one, cannot think of a more damaging worldview for society at large.
These sections are primarily well written and well cited, and bring up some fascinating statistics: for example: married people are no happier than unmarried people. Children of parents with non-traditional relationships have many advantages in life.
However, the book largely falls apart in the final section, Responsible. Here, we learn about 3 additional "social narratives": Altruism, Health, and Free will. The psychological studies cited here are all incredibly sketchy and have inconsistent results - as the author freely admits.
This entire section is largely the author pushing his own narrative: for example, he berates us for judging those that choose to give themselves diabetes and lung cancer because, perhaps they've judged the happiness of a cigarette or a pizza outweighs the long-term effects. He fails to consider the option that people struggle to differentiate between immediate satisfaction and long-term happiness.
Additionally, he spends the last chapter of the this section claiming that our life outcomes are entirely pre-determined and therefore we should stop encouraging people to improve their situations, and give them handouts instead because it's not their fault. I, for one, cannot think of a more damaging worldview for society at large.
March 11, 2021
اين كتاب از ٩ فصل تشكيل شده است و هر فصل با سوالي آغاز شده و نويسنده با به چالش كشيدن ذهن ما بحث را شروع ميكند؛
مثلا فصل ثروت با اين سوال آغاز ميشود:
كدام زندگي را انتخاب ميكنيد:
١: شما ثروتمند هستيد اغلب احساس بدبختي ميكنيد
٢: شما ثروتمند نيستيد، به ندرت احساس بدبختي ميكنيد
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نويسنده اين سوال را در مورد مباحث متنوعي از جمله، ثروت،تحصيلات، موفقيت، ازدواج، فرزند، آزادي، سلامتي و غيره پرسيده و نتايج نظر سنجي هاي خود را نيزدر انتهاي هر فصل آورده است.
موضوع اصلي اين كتاب در مورد " به قدر كفايت بودن" برخي چيزهاست و اينكه بسياري از مواردي كه براي حس خوشبختي ضروري ميدانيم، ارتباط چنداني با آن ندارند.
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قسمتي از كتاب:
هر چه مردم با رويكرد به قدر كفايت، بيشتر قانع شوند، بيشتر احتمال دارد موادمصرفي خود را محدود كنند و توزيع مناسب منابع را از سنگيني سمت ثروتمندان به سمت تهيدستان بكشانند. در گذشته سياره زمين پنج بار دستخوش تغيير شده است و تنوع حيات تغيير كرده است. احتمال انقراض انسان خردمند نيز وجود دارد واين احتمال در صورتي كاهش مي يابد كه بتوانيم از افتادن در اين تله دوري كنيم كه ثروت، موفقيت، تحصيل، رشد و مصرف بيشتر به خوشبختي بيشتر مي انجامد.
December 27, 2019
I wanted to love this. I really did. I mean, I enjoy self-help books which are science based, so this seemed like the perfect read.
Unfortunately, it's dull as ditchwater. There's a lot of facts and figures which will be appealing to sociology students, but make it a hard reader to the lay person.
Each chapter opens with pointless questions about whether you'd rather be happy or [fill in blank] and miserable. When you put things into that context, of course most people will choose happiness for themselves and those we care about, but life is never that black and white.
Ultimately the whole thing can be boiled down to "do what makes you happy and forget about societal pressure." So I've just saved you having to wade your way through this boring tome. There's nothing or groundbreaking here.
Thanks to Netgalley for the ARC without obligation.
Unfortunately, it's dull as ditchwater. There's a lot of facts and figures which will be appealing to sociology students, but make it a hard reader to the lay person.
Each chapter opens with pointless questions about whether you'd rather be happy or [fill in blank] and miserable. When you put things into that context, of course most people will choose happiness for themselves and those we care about, but life is never that black and white.
Ultimately the whole thing can be boiled down to "do what makes you happy and forget about societal pressure." So I've just saved you having to wade your way through this boring tome. There's nothing or groundbreaking here.
Thanks to Netgalley for the ARC without obligation.
February 2, 2020
Можливо освіта і здоров*я не корелюють із відчуттям щастя. Але вони точно вносять свій вклад у ��ростання благополуччя і соціального капіталу, хоча автор на це не звернув увагу.
May 3, 2019
Paul Dolan is a psychologist and this is an educated and well researched book but it is for everyone to read as it is truly fascinating. We have a social norm set up for us and we strive to be "happy" by achieving that norm and woe betide you if you deviate in any way. But Mr Dolan suggests that to be really happy "we need to move from a culture of 'more please' to one of 'just enough'". He believes we should have more respect for people who choose to live their lives to a different set of rules and look to them for ways to increase our own happiness.
"There is a stigma associated with trying to conform to a narrative and falling short and there is a separate stigma from not trying to conform in the first place."
This is a book that should be read by all sorts of people but maybe most by those who feel there is more to life than the latest gadgets or trends but don't know where to turn to find purpose.
I was given a copy of this book by Netgalley in return for an honest review.
"There is a stigma associated with trying to conform to a narrative and falling short and there is a separate stigma from not trying to conform in the first place."
This is a book that should be read by all sorts of people but maybe most by those who feel there is more to life than the latest gadgets or trends but don't know where to turn to find purpose.
I was given a copy of this book by Netgalley in return for an honest review.
March 21, 2021
“Social narratives can trap us, and those around us. We will often fail to notice them, and even when we do we will find it really hard to accept that the narratives we’ve heard since childhood can be the source of widespread misery...we need to look past our preconceived ideas about what a good life should like like and consider how these ideas play out in practice”
Paul Dolan breaks down the evidence behind 9 social narratives we’re told will bring us happiness - wealth, success, education, marriage, monogamy, children, altruism, health and free will - and challenges us to question whether we would prefer to obtain the standard set by these narratives or actually be happy. In a lot of cases the evidence doesn’t support these narratives, or is mixed, and this gives us permission to think about creating a life with a little more space from crushing external pressures (as a single 32 year old woman the children narrative is looming large...!).
Paul Dolan breaks down the evidence behind 9 social narratives we’re told will bring us happiness - wealth, success, education, marriage, monogamy, children, altruism, health and free will - and challenges us to question whether we would prefer to obtain the standard set by these narratives or actually be happy. In a lot of cases the evidence doesn’t support these narratives, or is mixed, and this gives us permission to think about creating a life with a little more space from crushing external pressures (as a single 32 year old woman the children narrative is looming large...!).
Want to read
August 9, 2021Dolan allegedly misunderstood the American Time Use Survey. Women reported lower life satisfaction when marked with "spouse absent". This didn't mean that their husband was out of the room, as Dolan thought, it meant the husband was out of the household entirely.
Vox cites further complaints here: https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/20...
Vox cites further complaints here: https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/20...
December 6, 2021
Was sind gängige Narrative für ein perfektes Leben?
Du musst viel Geld verdienen, heiraten, Kinder zeugen usw.
Doch was sagen echte Studien darüber? Sind diese Etappen im Leben eines Menschen wirkliche Glücklich-Macher? Selbstverständlich nicht!
Dieses Buch zeigt vielmehr, dass man sein Leben so führen sollte, wie man es selbst für richtig hält und nicht auf die Art und Weise wie es die Gesellschaft von einem erfordert.
Du musst viel Geld verdienen, heiraten, Kinder zeugen usw.
Doch was sagen echte Studien darüber? Sind diese Etappen im Leben eines Menschen wirkliche Glücklich-Macher? Selbstverständlich nicht!
Dieses Buch zeigt vielmehr, dass man sein Leben so führen sollte, wie man es selbst für richtig hält und nicht auf die Art und Weise wie es die Gesellschaft von einem erfordert.
December 31, 2021
I was interested to hear the author's views on happiness. And, some I agree with - stop listening to societal narratives and pressures and focus on 'just enough' rather than striving for and consuming ever more. There is definitely scope for happiness in here.
His ideas around population growth are in accurate though. It's affluence, not population which is driving climate change. See Julia Steinberger for research looking at this.
His ideas around population growth are in accurate though. It's affluence, not population which is driving climate change. See Julia Steinberger for research looking at this.
August 17, 2021
Cartea prezintă mai mult un studio despre ce înseamnă fericirea și care de fapt sunt miturile vieții perfecte. Toți avem dreptul să fim fericiți aici și acum, în fiecare zi. Fiecare din noi e responsabil să aleagă ce ne face fericiți.
September 10, 2020
Excellent 'self help' book for the: unambitious, mediocre, lazy, irresponsible, unaccountable, ill disciplined, ego-centric, selfish, self indulgent..."I deserve to be happy' and 'life is just about my happiness and the happiness of my off-spring’ individuals!! It is not, ironically, for the 'working class' who according to Nolan have no 'fxxking' chance to succeed due to genetic influences, social environments, decision contexts and of course randomness. Of course to be obsessive about money, career, education, health, and success is not right, and indeed people should not be forced to conform to all social narratives or rules, yet this selfish pursuit of so called happiness to the exclusion of everything else is equally damaging, unhealthy and misleading. The book goes against all that I have learned and experienced, both personally, through study and in observing others about 'success / happiness' across the world and with people from different classes, backgrounds, race etc. Success / happiness is not about short term 'fixes' through self-indulgent, easy route decision making and actions. Indeed it comes over the long term through clear purpose, goals, and actions supported by discipline, determination, drive, delayed gratification, effort (yes hard work..sorry to swear Paul) contribution, positive attitude, belief, standards, persistency, continual growth and development of skills & knowledge, stretch, striving, responsibility, personal accountability, saving, exercise and diet etc etc. In 99% of cases, people in democratic countries in the West, 'just don't suddenly become 'successful' nor do they 'suddenly just fail', it is a process over many months and often years based on behaviours and actions. Contrary to Dolan's views, true happiness comes from feeling in control of one's life, as much as is possible' through having nurtured and developed 'loving relationships', financial independence, transferable and desirable skills and knowledge, good health and well being, a solid reputation of discipline and dependability, and self confidence. These are the attributes which create a sense of worth, fulfilment, accomplishment, strong self esteem, and belief, to be 'The Best You Can Be', ‘maximising one's potential and the vast opportunities available’, and yes Paul....'winning' and 'beating the strong competition' emerging and overtaking us and our children around the world. A focus on 'happiness' and short term gain' with increasingly lower standards will leave us all miserable as we sink, and have more people 'left behind', enabling populist politicians to step in with their hollow promises and disastrous policies eg Trump. Paul, you should be encouraging, inspiring, and leading young people from all classes, backgrounds, and environments to 'aim high', 'challenge themselves to be the best' and set realistic and meaningful stretch goals to attain....not setting out an agenda of 'just about enough', 'don't stress yourself', 'take it easy', 'just be happy-clappy'....you should support and create belief amongst working class boys, not show them that it's not their fault that they will not succeed in the future!! When these young people reach 80 and have their grandchild on their knee, who says 'Gran, what did you do in your life, what did you achieve, experience, overcome....what is your story? What will these disciples of mediocrity have to say....'well not a great deal to be honest...but I think I was 'happy' even though others seemed to do more, achieve more, experience more, have more etc etc... And finally...why oh why, this obsession on 'class', and indeed the demonisation of the middle class....? Get that ' chip of your shoulder' man. So as you can tell, this book is not for me, yes there are some good points such as euthanasia and over investment in extending life, but to be honest I am so grateful that I did not read this book 35 years ago....goodness knows where I might be now??? (Oh, of course, it wouldn't have made any difference, as my future was already determined by my genes, environments, contexts and of course pure luck!! lol :)
June 15, 2021
Книга, яка захопила з самого початку, читалася з перервами. Текст, насичений даними різноманітних досліджень, вимагає зосередженості та сфокусованого сприйняття. Мені імпонує, що вирішальним фактором щодо прийняття чи неприйняття соціальних наративів (загальноприйнятих тверджень) про те, як жити, має бути індивідуальне відчуття щастя.
Перша частина, яка стосується наративу досягнень, зокрема важливості багатства, успіху та освіти в сучасному світі, дуже перегукується з моїм трактуванням цих понять. Впадають у вічі дещо "ліві" погляди автора (різниця за класовою ознакою, поділ на середній та робітничий класи). Хоча тепер, згадуючи роботу в різних компаніях та різних колективах, я схильна повірити автору, що дискримінація за класовою ознакою досі існує.
Розділи про шлюб, моногамію та рішення мати або не мати дітей, подані у другій частині книги, можуть видатися контроверсійними, адже поряд із традиційним підходом до сім'ї пропонують інші варіанти: жити в гомосексуальній парі або залишитись самотнім. Кожна людина може обрати той варіант, який підходить їй і зробить її щасливою.
Найскладнішою і найбільш суперечливою мені видалась третя частина книги - про відповідальність, де автор піддає сумніву користь від альтруїзму, популярного сьогодні "хелсизму" (здорове харчування, відмова від алкоголю та м'яса, біг і т.д.) та думку про свободу вибору і рівні можливості для всіх.
Висновок від автора:
Я хотів би, щоб ті з вас, хто відчуває більшу зобов'язаність вписуватись на роботі або деінде, не зазнавали осуду або критики, коли справді хочеться поводитись не так, як диктують соціальні наративи. Зрештою, якщо у нас є вибір, кожен може вирішити для себе, коли ми хочемо вписатись, а коли вирізнитись. Усі ми можемо жити так, щоб якомога рідше почуватися нещасними і бути відповідальними за вплив наших вчинків на інших людей.
Розуміння наративів та їхньої допомоги й шкоди - це перший крок до вибору, який краще пасуватиме вашій сутності.
Ми справді маємо більше поважати тих, хто нехтує соціальними наративами, які просто їм не підходять.
Перша частина, яка стосується наративу досягнень, зокрема важливості багатства, успіху та освіти в сучасному світі, дуже перегукується з моїм трактуванням цих понять. Впадають у вічі дещо "ліві" погляди автора (різниця за класовою ознакою, поділ на середній та робітничий класи). Хоча тепер, згадуючи роботу в різних компаніях та різних колективах, я схильна повірити автору, що дискримінація за класовою ознакою досі існує.
Розділи про шлюб, моногамію та рішення мати або не мати дітей, подані у другій частині книги, можуть видатися контроверсійними, адже поряд із традиційним підходом до сім'ї пропонують інші варіанти: жити в гомосексуальній парі або залишитись самотнім. Кожна людина може обрати той варіант, який підходить їй і зробить її щасливою.
Найскладнішою і найбільш суперечливою мені видалась третя частина книги - про відповідальність, де автор піддає сумніву користь від альтруїзму, популярного сьогодні "хелсизму" (здорове харчування, відмова від алкоголю та м'яса, біг і т.д.) та думку про свободу вибору і рівні можливості для всіх.
Висновок від автора:
Я хотів би, щоб ті з вас, хто відчуває більшу зобов'язаність вписуватись на роботі або деінде, не зазнавали осуду або критики, коли справді хочеться поводитись не так, як диктують соціальні наративи. Зрештою, якщо у нас є вибір, кожен може вирішити для себе, коли ми хочемо вписатись, а коли вирізнитись. Усі ми можемо жити так, щоб якомога рідше почуватися нещасними і бути відповідальними за вплив наших вчинків на інших людей.
Розуміння наративів та їхньої допомоги й шкоди - це перший крок до вибору, який краще пасуватиме вашій сутності.
Ми справді маємо більше поважати тих, хто нехтує соціальними наративами, які просто їм не підходять.
March 26, 2020
цель книги - освобождение от власти социальных нарративов с целью уменьшения страдания и повышения уровня счастья в обществе. Прекрасный посыл, довольно интересный обзор исследований, но... выводы, которые преподносит автор, честно говоря, обескураживают.
Нарративы следующие: богатство, успех, образование, брак, моногамия, дети, моногамия, альтруизм, здоровье, воля.
Отчасти согласна с выводами автора в нарративах: дохода, успеха, образования, брака, альтруизма и воли.
Не согласна с выводами автора в нарративах: моногамии, детей и здоровья.
Показалось, что автор не соответствовал ожиданию «высшего общества», и в результате этого и создал теорию освобождения от социальных нарративов. Хотя все и так очевидно: мы все разные, и выборы жизненного пути и личного счастья у каждого разные. Поэтому, не осуждайте никого и не считайте свой выбор единственно правильным. К чему автор и призывает.
Итог: книга не понравилась.
Нарративы следующие: богатство, успех, образование, брак, моногамия, дети, моногамия, альтруизм, здоровье, воля.
Отчасти согласна с выводами автора в нарративах: дохода, успеха, образования, брака, альтруизма и воли.
Не согласна с выводами автора в нарративах: моногамии, детей и здоровья.
Показалось, что автор не соответствовал ожиданию «высшего общества», и в результате этого и создал теорию освобождения от социальных нарративов. Хотя все и так очевидно: мы все разные, и выборы жизненного пути и личного счастья у каждого разные. Поэтому, не осуждайте никого и не считайте свой выбор единственно правильным. К чему автор и призывает.
Итог: книга не понравилась.
January 6, 2021
Falters in places, but Dolan does a good job of using available research to show why unquestioning adherence to certain narratives of what will make us happy (he looks at wealth, success, marriage and kids, altruism) undermines our happiness and makes sure we're never satisfied with what we have.
Some surprising challenges in here to received wisdom - higher education doesn't make you any happier, single women without children are the happiest subgroup of the population, and self-interested altruism can be more impactful than selfless giving.
Some surprising challenges in here to received wisdom - higher education doesn't make you any happier, single women without children are the happiest subgroup of the population, and self-interested altruism can be more impactful than selfless giving.
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