Happy Never After: why the happiness fairytale is driving us mad

by Jill Stark

Jill Stark was living the dream. She had a coveted job as a senior journalist, she was dating a sports star, and her first book had just become a bestseller. After years of chasing the fairytale ending, she’d finally found it. And then it all fell apart.

Getting her happy-ever-after plunged Jill into the darkest period of her life, forcing her to ask if she’d been sold a lie. What if all the things that she’d been told would make her happy were red herrings? Could it be that the relentless pursuit of happiness was making her miserable?

From the ashes of Jill’s epic breakdown comes this raw, funny, and uplifting exploration of our age of anxiety. Charting her own life-long battles with mental health, Jill asks why, in a western world with more opportunity, choice, and wealth than ever before, so many of us are depressed, anxious, and medicated. When we’ve never had more ways to connect, why do we feel so profoundly disconnected?

Happy Never After is a soul-searching journey from despair to clarity and a forensic examination of our troubled times. Road-testing neuroscience’s latest psychological frontiers in compassion, acceptance, gratitude, play, hope and solitude, Jill turns the happiness fairytale on its head, and swaps the ‘quick fix’ approach to mental health for the long road back to herself.

In the end, Jill has a hard-earned question for us. We’re all looking for answers. We all want the happy-ever-after. What would happen if we stopped chasing, stayed still, and found calm and meaning in places we least expected?

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Psychology, Audiobook, Self Help, Personal Development, Biography

352 pages, Paperback

Published July 30, 2018

About the author

Jill Stark was born in Edinburgh, Scotland and now calls Melbourne, Australia home.
She is the author of two books, and is an award-winning journalist with a career spanning two decades.
Happy Never After: Why The Happiness Fairytale Is Driving Us Mad (And How I Flipped The Script) is a forensic examination of our relentless pursuit of happiness in an age of anxiety.
Her first book, High Sobriety: My Year without Booze is a best-selling memoir about her journey through a year off the grog, and a forensic exploration of Australia’s binge drinking culture. It was shortlisted for the Kibble Literary Awards and was a finalist in the Walkley Book of the Year.

Reviews

[Michael Livingston · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a bit disappointing to be honest - I loved High Sobriety and am generally a big fan of Stark. This is a brave and clear book about her struggles with anxiety and depression, but it felt like a slightly mix of shallow research and memoir - having just read Fiona Wright's superbly thoughtful book about her struggles this just felt a bit underwhelming in comparison.

[Keen Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rogues, charlatans, chancers and inadvertent comedy acts posing as experts charging professional fees. These are just some of the people Stark encounters as she tries to make sense of the racing thoughts inside her head. There is no shortage of these types of books out there on the market, and I have read and mostly enjoyed many of them, though this did put me particularly in mind of Matt Haig’s “Reasons To Stay Alive” and Johann Hari’s “Lost Connections”. This is a frank, open and confessional memoir that induces plenty of funny, heartfelt and cringe worthy moments which will speak to many people.

We hear all about her long-term battles with anxiety and depression and the crippling panic attacks which plagued her. Stark discusses the constant struggle with digital distraction in its myriad forms. Then there is the FOMO and paralysis that comes from having too much choice from online dating platforms to supermarket shelves, where more is always less and the only guaranteed thing you will get is buyer’s remorse.

She digs deep into the fairytale filter, and the internet’s obsession with being popular, perfect, connected and happy and if you don’t meet the strict criteria it paves the way for a whole number of anxieties and insecurities to take hold. This is problem for all ages, but it particularly harms youngsters and teenagers. She covers the idea of developmental compression and how in many ways the 11 year old child of today was the 15 year old of before. She reveals just how appallingly inadequate Australia’s health service is to deal with the increasing rates of suicides and mental illness that continue to get worse.

There were many great philosophies and ideas in here, like the RULER program which was developed at Yale University’s Center for Emotional Intelligence and has been adapted by an independent school in Victoria with some very promising results. Elsewhere she explores the growing problem with over diagnosis of mental illness by many GPs and the highly controversial “DSM-5” which has begun to medicalise more people with the stigma of mental illness, one US psychiatrist Allen Frances labelled the "DSM-5" as a “Dangerous public health experiment that will inappropriately inflict the mental disorder label on millions of people previously considered normal.” This of course is a dream scenario for Big Pharma. But then it is worth remembering that the DSM listed homosexuality as a form of mental illness right up until the 1970s.

After discussing the cynical and manipulative ways in which the vast majority of news and media outlets around the world peddle the idea of fear, hate, violence and doom for clicks and commercial revenue, she counters this with some encouraging alternatives with the likes of the website “Positive News” and Oxford University’s Our World in Data, which make the effort to choose a different approach to viewing the world, showing progress and improvements, such as in 1850 92% of the world’s population lived in extreme poverty, compared to just under 10% in 2015.

I enjoyed this book, Stark’s level of honesty and openness could not have been easy to get down onto the page for an audience, but hopefully it was cathartic and beneficial to her mental health. I also got a good few recommendations to follow up on too, which is always a nice bonus.

[Sharondblk · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like Jill Stark. She sounds like someone I could be friends with. She sounds like she could live in my apartment building. I've read some of her writting in The Age. I like memoirs. I love a redemption memoir more than anything - except one read by the author on audio book. So why was this book dissapointing? Rather than feeling like I was following Jill's journey, it felt like a collection of "things I've tried". Some chapters felt like newspaper columns, rather than parts of a narative structure. Some were just annoying - yes, motorbikes are loud and horribe and scare my cat too, but what am I meant to do about it?
She makes some good points, but the book wavers between a memoir and a journalistic exploration of the wellness industry. if she has chosen one or the other, the results could have been outstanding.

[Rosamund · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was surprised — like, astonished — at how many of my lifelong issues are rooted in the same things as Jill's. This book came at a time when I really needed it. Okay, our backgrounds are very similar (white, raised in a middle-class UK household, voluntarily settled in another prosperous Western country in adulthood) but some of the things were so specific, it honestly made me feel less alone.

At the same time, though, it was a bit of a slog overall, reading through some the chapters that felt more like online articles, such as the farce of social media. I think I was more interested in hearing about her life than the analysis of factors that contribute to our mass dissatisfaction, but that's something explored in High Sobriety, perhaps?

Most of the bits I highlighted feel way too personal to quote on here ;) but here's a few:

'I am learning what drives my emotional suffering, tracing its history all the way back to a time before I could give it a name.'

'On an unconscious level, my work as a journalist and writer has become so tied up in my identity — a way to be seen and get that love and approval — that when my book came out and it still wasn't enough, things inevitably fell apart. My sense of self was entirely focused on the external.'

'While mindfulness may help me slow down and alleviate some of the more debilitating symptoms of anxiety, it will not "cure" it. I will have to continue to address the underlying emotional drivers of my distress if I want to live a calmer, more meaningful life.'

'Solitude is a description of fact, while loneliness is an emotional response to it.'

[Rachael (shereadsshenoms) · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone with personal experience living with Anxiety, I was anticipating feeling a lot of feels reading this. I laughed as often as I cried, and I did a lot of both. Must read for anyone who has either lived with mental health issues or knows someone who has or does - So, basically everyone.

Read. It.

[Leonie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was either crying, laughing or learning. And often all three.
I loved it. Just loved it.

[Scribe Publications]

A moving, insightful analysis of our collective pain and how we can heal. Australia needs this book.
Johan Hari, Author of Lost Connections

Funny, wise, poignant and compelling, Happy Never After is a brilliant intersection between searing personal experience and the wisdom of the elders: nothing brings us closer to despair than the relentless pursuit of our own happiness.
Hugh Mackay, Author of The Good Life

Faced with the crippling paralysis that comes with anxiety and depression, Jill Stark doesn’t completely crumple. Instead, she does what a good journalist does: looks it directly in the face in order to explain, investigate, and reveal. Anyone who reads this book who lives with anxiety will be a beneficiary of its courage and clarity.
Benjamin Law, Author of Gaysia and The Family Law

By looking back on her childhood, interviewing experts and amassing anecdotal data, Stark expertly links her lifelong struggle with anxiety with a collective social malaise that is exacerbated by our constant connectivity, underfunded mental healthcare systems and the pervasive ‘happiness myth’ … The book’s resounding takeaway that there are multiple ‘happy-in-betweens’ instead of one ‘happy-ever-after’ is an uplifting and liberating one. 
Books+Publishing

Extraordinary … Stark address[es] this vexed question of what effect our over-stimulated, almost constantly wired brains are having on our sense of well-being.
theage.com.au

This is a book we need. Highly, highly recommended. Puts a deft finger on many things that I guarantee have been quietly troubling you for a while. A book for our times.
Susan Carland, author of Fighting Hislam: Women, Faith and Sexism

Exploratory and explanatory.
Miriam Cosic, The Saturday Age

[Fiona · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jill picks up where Johann Hari left off with Lost Connections. A very personal story of anxiety and depression, that illuminates how it it takes a village to keep an individual emotionally and mentally well; that in fact, it is all about connection, and the impacts of what happens when we are disconnected in the modern world.

[Kathryn · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Jill · Rating 3 out of 5]

Part misery memoir, part self-help book this didn't gel for me as well as High Sobriety although I admire the author's honesty in describing her anxiety and depression so openly.

[Wendy Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my first review and I have been prompted by the transforming force of wisdom in this book for those amongst us who seek connection and the courage to live with our imperfections.

Jill Stark is an Australian journalist living and working in Melbourne - in my 'hood in fact which was an enjoyable bonus to recognise local landmarks and places - this is her second memoir and deals with a crisis in her life when she ostensibly 'had it all', a fantastic job, the AFL footballer boyfriend and the dream come true of having her first book published. But all this abundance didn't lead to 'happy ever after' in fact she became very unwell and the book is about how that myth doesn't serve those of us that buy into it.

Stark records her experience with mental health issues (primarily severe anxiety), her struggle with maintaining a healthy relationship with alcohol and the trouble her negative inner critic causes her on top of this. The book on one level, is about how she came out the other side of the crisis and 'flipped the script'. So far, it might sound like a particular genre of memoir about anxiety
and other forms of mental illness and addiction. What sets this book apart for me from others like it that I have read, is that it didn't invoke my tendency to put on my armchair shrink hat and form my own view on the life of the story teller. This is because, Stark leads an examined life and achieves what I think is an extraordinary feat of synthesising a massive amount of insights she has gained throughout her long journalistic career, her work with a caring therapist, conversations with dearly loved and loving friends (and cat!), wide reading and research and finding what works for her (e.g. lying in a patch of sun on the rug with said cat).

From decluttering to the latest in neuroscience, from the joys of solo travel to the grief around the death of a child, this book about a particular woman at a particular time who fully acknowledges her privilege, yet tells a universal story about the havoc a loss of connection to ourselves and each other can cause is magnificent. I can't praise it more highly.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a powerful memoir that explores the author's experiences as she works towards healing and recovery following a breakdown and a lifetime of depression and anxiety. The author's journalistic background is apparent as she weaves her own narrative with research and interviews about how modern life sells an unrealistic picture of 'happiness' which is rarely achievable and instead creates disillusionment and disconnection.

The author gives a frank and raw account of her breakdown and her illness, and how she began to rebuild herself with the support of therapy and close family and friends. There is a great deal in the book that felt very familiar to me.

While the author shares many of the strategies that worked for her, she's quick to emphasise that these might not work for others. I was expecting this to have more of a self-help tone, so was pleasantly surprised to instead read something so brave, considered and well-written.

[Robert · Rating 2 out of 5]

A C-Tier entry to the mental health memoir/self help genre.

At 25 chapters over 300 pages the result is an unfocused mess that is a mile wide and an inch deep.

It's a shame because there's clearly a good memoir somewhere in here if the more traditional non fiction parts were cut out and a more logical structure was imposed.

If you're after something in this vein The Noonday Demon and Lost Connections are both much better places to start.

[Romany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook and it was narrated by the author. Her voice is lovely. I think she may have been preaching to the converted here. The only thing I wasn’t crazy about was all the journalistic crap. I wanted to hear her voice, not ANOTHER rehashing of the Jam Study.

[Peter Geyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jill Stark is someone who lives more or less locally (if greater Melbourne can be called a locality) and whose byline I've read and enjoyed and so this book was something to consider, particularly given a theme about happiness.

This was something I was asked yesterday in a research survey about my age group (not Stark's) and something what I've never understood. I've heard parents saying "we just want you to be happy" – which seems to be pretty meaningless without knowing what 'happy' means, to them and the child concerned. Pascal Bruckner has written how happiness appears compulsory these days, certainly, heaps of people ask you "how's your day been so far?" to which I never have a straight answer because I don't think that way.

My own experience is irrelevant here, of course, to the extent that this is a personal story about psychological struggle, where a particular event triggers an individual's past experiences and anxieties and self-worth – "I've achieved 'A' but why am I not happy when I should be?"

Stark makes it clear that this isn't a self-help book, notwithstanding that she uses her skills as a journalist to investigate various ideas and options. It doesn't work if you can't write or tell a story, and it demonstrates that one of the best ways of working through an issue or even beginning to understand it is to do what you're good at, or what you like doing. So the methods that work for her are simply that.

I particularly liked the couple of pages on Allen Frances in this regard, and there are others. Some of the methods mentioned were quite dubious as far as I was concerned, and for her part she acknowledges this herself in a couple of spots. To me this is also part of the reporting aspect of the book, which mixes the personal angst and trauma experienced in the past and present, searching for information and presenting it for consideration, and searching for help.

I liked reading about the world of a newspapers, and in some respects the world of social media, which I don't inhabit for a number of reasons, including a few outlined in her text.

The author is fortunate, I think, to have a number of supportive friends and colleagues, who she thanks profusely at the end, and for good reason. Psychological distress is all too easily swept under the carpet by individuals and society.

I greatly enjoyed reading this book, notwithstanding the tears involved, and got the idea of an ongoing struggle being successfully waged by an interesting person with a range of different experiences in a world different to my own.

[Jennifer Withers · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not given to exaggeration when I review books, but this one felt very much like it was written for me, I connected to it on such a personal level. A review published along with her book said it perfectly - 'We need this book'. I'm generally not a fan of psychology or self help books, but this one I identified with on so many levels. Her writing on emotions & how we've been taught, subconsciously or otherwise, to be unable to deal with them in ourselves and others, helped me make sense of my reactions in so many situations, as a child and as an adult. She talks of the effect of social media on us and how we've perfected portraying the perfect life, & trying our utmost to outdo each other, while secretly many of us are ridden with anxiety and burdened with the weight of our 'perfect' lives. She talks about how all the bad news that constantly seems to bombard us only adds to our emotional load, adding weight we can't afford to carry, and turning the lives of those already so anxiety-ridden into a daily emotional warfare of trying to manage with everything we see, hear & read every day.
She quotes many experts in the field, many of which are also writers, and leads us on a fascinating journey illustrating how, despite the many conveniences of modern life, we are the most stressed generation to have ever been born.
There are many ways this book opened up old wounds in me, and healed them, with just the acknowledgement that I've suffered, that we all suffer, & that suffering is part of the deal when it comes to being human. That there's no need to hide, or be ashamed, or feel we are abnormal because we experience 'negative' emotions.
If I could meet Stark personally, I would thank her for writing this book. During a very dark period of my own life, it was the light, and the anchor, I needed.

[A.M. · Rating 3 out of 5]

A journalist who wrote the definitive aussie book on drinking, gives up alcohol and realises that her problems started way before she used alcohol to cope with them.

Childhood trauma, even trauma that you do not remember experiencing, can cause major mental health challenges in later life IF IT IS NOT dealt with well. It changes your brain. And as the author says, if you are an odd kid who is then bullied at school because you are odd, the problem compounds.

This was a bit of a mix up of memoir and brain science.

I agree with her on the ‘too much choice’ thing. I reckon Aldi wins the supermarket competition because it has less options, and often it’s a choice between buy it now or miss out with their weekly specials. I can remember when we moved back to Australia and I had a very similar freakout to hers in the supermarket over the number of options - she was buying tuna - I wanted olives. Why are there olives stuffed with other olives? For god’s sake...

3 stars

So far this year my library has saved me A$989.39

[Ellen McMahon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love Stark's writing and am a big fan of her work, however this wasn't my favourite. The format is the same as High Sobriety (which I loved), investigative research seamlessly entwined with personal anecdotes/memoir of Stark's own experiences with anxiety. From a research perspective, the book offers a really great, introductory overview of many of the issues surrounding anxiety in today's society, it just unfortunately didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. If you follow the news and popular current events closely, you may feel the same way. The memoir components were powerfully written and they certainly evoke empathy, however reading about others' anxiety always makes me feel anxious. There's certainly comfort in the solidarity and familiarity of them; knowing someone out there is having similar experiences to you. But for me, that's pretty fleeting and it seems to eventually exacerbate any lingering helplessness.

[Naomi Raison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have found this book very useful so I will probably read it again.I think readers would benefit by there being an index.Ms Stark discussed people and ideas that I found very interesting ,thought provoking and helpful.eg Norman Doidge’s work on the brain ,Maslow and the hierarchy of needs ,Marie Kondo and “decluttering” and places like the Girton school with the RULER program .However without an index it is a bit of a hunt to find them again. Another thing:quite early in the book she mentioned two characters from modern culture which I guess are very negative and critical.
Regina George from “Mean Girls” meant nothing to me and I could only guess about Nurse Rachett from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a warts and all tale of modern life, wrestling inner demons and ultimately learning how to be compassionate to oneself. Jill's memoir is courageous, thought-provoking, honest and accessible. She has thoroughly researched her subject, interviewing world-leading experts as well as regular people to help her understand and navigate her own state of mind. I thoroughly enjoyed this compelling and realistic personal take on anxiety and the uplifting journey to acceptance, connection and self love. It definitely taps into the zeitgeist and will be an important book for many suffering through their own mental health struggles, and their loved ones.

[Mrs Lisa Proctor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great loved this book!

Loved this book because as a mother of a teenage daughter it just seemed to echo challenges that young people are increasingly facing. Jill Stark talks with a refreshing honesty about feelings that i suspect are being bottled up around the western world in their millions. A great opportunity to observe somebody else's challenges in grappling with shame, angst, feelings of inadequacy and the challenges that accompany living in the first world in the 21st century whilst reflecting on your own way of life and whether the things you do serve you well. Really interesting and very thoughtfully written.

[PrettyFlamingo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Though I thought this book was positive, it wasn't what I thought it was. From the cover, I expected it to be about how to stop obsession with "having it all", competing on social media for the best lives, stopping using those annoying and over-competitive hashtags #bliss #lovemyjob #blessed - aarrgghh!!! It wasn't this at all. It is about a personal struggle with anxiety, and for that reason I think it's misadvertised.

All this said, it is well worth a read because it goes to show that those people you see in the public eye who you think have it all, often don't, and this shows how one person dealt with anxiety issues.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I started this book I was expecting something fairly different to what it was. Now that I look back I'm not entirely sure why. Nevertheless what I got was a book exploring the author's experience with anxiety in a world seemingly designed to exacerbate the issue rather than soothe.

There were ups and downs with reading however a number of things that really resonated with me in quite a timely fashion. A key one being getting comfortable with your own company and, while not entirely disregarding the contributions of those around you, fostering self-reliance with managing your own mental health.

[Jenna Vidal · Rating 3 out of 5]

So this book contained some interesting insights into mental health. Probably too interesting. Rather than the book helping me take a good hard look at myself, it made me over think and analyse everything. Also, now that COVID has been and gone, the internet is more intertwined in our human expereince than ever before and the change in our mental healthcare system, I think this book is a little outdated.

I decided that since I have anxiety and am coping pretty well, I didn't also want to read about anxiety, so I abandoned the book after 200 pages.

I don't think this book offers anything that can't be found elsewhere.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

First thoughts that came to mind reading this book were “highly sensitive” (eg to sound, comments, environments), and “autistic”. No mention is made of either of these but knowing a person with similar levels of anxiety depression and suicidal tendencies who is on the spectrum made me draw the correlation.

Good on her managing to develop coping mechanisms to control her mind rather than having her mind control her. Probably wise to choose to be alone and not have children as relationships and children add an enormous amount of pressure (both mental and financial), anxiety and even possibly depression in some instances to life and not a good environment to bring another life into.

[Sherry Mackay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave me a fair bit to chew on. Funny how I’ve been reading a few books lately that all go on about the terrors of the net and social media. I do agree with a lot of it tho. I felt the author kept the reader away by giving few details of her own breakdown and situation. It was a much more impersonal book than I thought it would be. I guess I expected a more personal journey. I think many readers would be put off by its journalistic and somewhat academic approach. I did get some worth out of it and was chewing on it days later.

[Sonia Nair · Rating 3 out of 5]

Picking up where her debut bestseller High Sobriety left off, journalist and author Jill Stark’s Happy Never After charts the period from her breakdown in October 2014 to her ensuing road to recovery.

Read the rest of my review on Books+Publishing here: https://www.booksandpublishing.com.au...

[Mary Laffner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved every illuminating page of this inspiring insight moving deeply helpful relevant memoir!
Could not put it down and devoured it in 2 days!

What a gift to us all!

Everyone needs to read this book! Now more than ever! And that’s what I’ve been telling all my friends!

But my daughter is reading it next so get your own copy!

[Lindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Trying to read a little wider than I usually do, and this was a good way to do so.

I enjoyed reading this, and it gave me lots of things to think about. Even if you don't suffer from anxiety, it has a lot to say about living life in this day and age, and promotes general self-care, mental wellbeing. A good mix of personal story and evidence based discussion.

[Nat · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book. From one leftie loony to another really. All the stories i read about mental illness just give me greater understanding of the effects of mental illness on individuals and communities but also some great preventative tips. Lots of takeaways, especially loved the chapter about building children and how better to nurture their needs.