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Parenting by God's Promises: How to Raise Children in the Covenant of Grace
Parents are unable to give their children what they need most—new hearts that trust in Christ for forgiveness of sins. All belief is a work of God alone. But parents must not “hinder” their children from coming to Christ, as Jesus’ disciples sought to hinder mothers and fathers from bringing small children to Him (Mark 10:13–16). On the contrary, they must do everything in their power to “bring” their children to the Savior, which means raising their sons and daughters in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). In Parenting by God’s How to Raise Children in the Covenant of Grace , Dr. Joel R. Beeke explores what this nurture and admonition looks like and offers gems of practical wisdom for parents on topics such as instituting and leading family worship, teaching children, modeling faithful Christian living, and exercising discipline. However, he carefully puts parental responsibilities in their proper perspective and guides mothers and fathers to lean not on their own abilities but to trust more fully in the God who knits children together in the first place. Above all, he affirms, parents must look to the one true God, who promises to provide everything His people need and to bless them and their families.
354 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 15, 2011
191 people are currently reading
1396 people want to read
About the author
Joel R. Beeke
446 books349 followersDr. Joel R. Beeke serves as President and Professor of Systematic Theology, Church History, and Homiletics at Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been in the ministry since 1978 and has served as a pastor of his current church, Heritage Reformed Congregation, since 1986. He is also editor of the Banner of Sovereign Grace Truth, editorial director of Reformation Heritage Books, president of Inheritance Publishers, and vice-president of the Dutch Reformed Translation Society. He has written, co-authored, or edited fifty books and contributed over fifteen hundred articles to Reformed books, journals, periodicals, and encyclopedias. His Ph.D. (1988) from Westminster Theological Seminary is in Reformation and Post-Reformation Theology. He is frequently called upon to lecture at Reformed seminaries and to speak at conferences around the world. He and his wife, Mary, have three children: Calvin, Esther, and Lydia.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 124 reviews
January 26, 2021
My favorite parenting book yet. Such needed and helpful advice. When trusting in Christ, parenting doesn't have to be a burden, but can be a sanctifying joy! Without strong Gospel understanding, the book could feel overwhelming and defeating. I however, did love it and will read again!
November 1, 2012
I seldom give five stars here. Except for Calvin, Luther.
That's the caliber of this book. It is on par or better than the other two best parenting books I recommend: Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp, and Standing on the Promises by Doug Wilson.
Beyond a couple quibbles about using KJV, and overusing "must," "should," and ought," this is an outstanding book on parenting.
It is content-rich without being overwhelming.
It is Biblically balanced in resting parenting upon the covenant of grace, and calling out comprehensively our duties in that covenant. Chapter 1 starts strong with application to parenting from Genesis 15, of all places.
Chapter 2 may daunt some readers, with its theological discussion of the covenant, but it's a very important one, and he nails it without getting caught up in contemporary controversy about it.
After this covenantal foundation is laid, Beeke considers parents as prophets (teaching and training), priests (intercession and sympathy) and kings (discipline), then a few practical chapters on training children in piety, listening, speaking and siblings. Last comes a section for teens, and also preparing children for marriage, and parenting adult children and relating to grandchildren.
There is often an optical illusion in parenting books. One sixth of this book addresses the covenant of gospel grace. The rest is our responsibilities as parents. Some assume that that quantity alone makes the book moralistic, but they are sadly mistaken. The exhortation to what we are to do covers a lot of ground, illustrates often, and is soaked with grace and sympathy.
Here are a couple samples, which Beeke goes on to apply to parenting children.
"The Puritans believed a husband and wife had equal authority in the eyes of their children, though a wife was expected to practice biblical submission to her husband (Eph. 5:22; Col 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1-6). They had an orderly protocol for making decisions. If a husband and wife disagreed on a matter, they would talk over the issue until they came to a mutually acceptable solution. In the rare case when agreement could not be reached, it was the wife's duty to submit to her husband's authority in the matter. Of course, at times a Puritan husband might defer to his wife's opinion, especially if he was persuaded by her reasoning or if she felt more strongly about a particular matter than he did... In other words, the fact that the Puritans advocated strong male leadership did not mean a Puritan husband could simply have it his way. A wise husband, out of respect for his wife's intelligence, good sense, and practical experience, frequently deferred to her. Husbands and wives worked together as a team - as they should today." (171-2)
"One of the biggest obstacles to effective listening is self-absorbed pride. Instead of tuning our ears to what others are telling us, we tend to think ahead to our responses. Our own thoughts usually trump what others say. We care too much about our own ideas, opinions, preferences, and problems to take genuine interest in someone else's" (195-196).
"Sometimes we load unnecessary guilt on parents by turning general rules into absolute requirements - this will always happen if you always do that. The verse that is cited most often to support this faulty thinking is Proverbs 22:6... this verse is a proverb, not a magic formula to guarantee successful parenting. Despite the best upbringing, a child may rebel against his parents..." (133).
That's the caliber of this book. It is on par or better than the other two best parenting books I recommend: Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp, and Standing on the Promises by Doug Wilson.
Beyond a couple quibbles about using KJV, and overusing "must," "should," and ought," this is an outstanding book on parenting.
It is content-rich without being overwhelming.
It is Biblically balanced in resting parenting upon the covenant of grace, and calling out comprehensively our duties in that covenant. Chapter 1 starts strong with application to parenting from Genesis 15, of all places.
Chapter 2 may daunt some readers, with its theological discussion of the covenant, but it's a very important one, and he nails it without getting caught up in contemporary controversy about it.
After this covenantal foundation is laid, Beeke considers parents as prophets (teaching and training), priests (intercession and sympathy) and kings (discipline), then a few practical chapters on training children in piety, listening, speaking and siblings. Last comes a section for teens, and also preparing children for marriage, and parenting adult children and relating to grandchildren.
There is often an optical illusion in parenting books. One sixth of this book addresses the covenant of gospel grace. The rest is our responsibilities as parents. Some assume that that quantity alone makes the book moralistic, but they are sadly mistaken. The exhortation to what we are to do covers a lot of ground, illustrates often, and is soaked with grace and sympathy.
Here are a couple samples, which Beeke goes on to apply to parenting children.
"The Puritans believed a husband and wife had equal authority in the eyes of their children, though a wife was expected to practice biblical submission to her husband (Eph. 5:22; Col 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1-6). They had an orderly protocol for making decisions. If a husband and wife disagreed on a matter, they would talk over the issue until they came to a mutually acceptable solution. In the rare case when agreement could not be reached, it was the wife's duty to submit to her husband's authority in the matter. Of course, at times a Puritan husband might defer to his wife's opinion, especially if he was persuaded by her reasoning or if she felt more strongly about a particular matter than he did... In other words, the fact that the Puritans advocated strong male leadership did not mean a Puritan husband could simply have it his way. A wise husband, out of respect for his wife's intelligence, good sense, and practical experience, frequently deferred to her. Husbands and wives worked together as a team - as they should today." (171-2)
"One of the biggest obstacles to effective listening is self-absorbed pride. Instead of tuning our ears to what others are telling us, we tend to think ahead to our responses. Our own thoughts usually trump what others say. We care too much about our own ideas, opinions, preferences, and problems to take genuine interest in someone else's" (195-196).
"Sometimes we load unnecessary guilt on parents by turning general rules into absolute requirements - this will always happen if you always do that. The verse that is cited most often to support this faulty thinking is Proverbs 22:6... this verse is a proverb, not a magic formula to guarantee successful parenting. Despite the best upbringing, a child may rebel against his parents..." (133).
April 21, 2024
Absolutely excellent. This is a book I will definitely go back and read again throughout my life and as my children grow up. I’d highly recommend this book to anyone who already has children or has a child on the way.
I did not read the 3-4 chapters on parenting teenagers since I won’t have a teenager for quite a while but when that time approaches I will go back and read those chapters.
I did not read the 3-4 chapters on parenting teenagers since I won’t have a teenager for quite a while but when that time approaches I will go back and read those chapters.
November 2, 2019
Lots of insights into parenting one's children from a confessional, Reformed standpoint. If you can get past Beeke's wordy writing style and some comically unrealistic "dialogue" scenarios, the content of this book is Biblical, convicting, and helpful. Part 3 on practical steps for child-rearing was particularly beneficial for me.
February 24, 2023
Easily the best Christian parenting book I’ve read. A clear explanation and defense of covenant theology combined with deeply Biblical parenting principles and practical wisdom. I’ll definitely be coming back to this one in the future!
May 27, 2022
Not even done with this book but four stars. Five if I were Presbyterian. It’s great.
January 25, 2019
This is by far the best book on parenting (and practical Christian living) that I’ve ever read. My only regret is that I didn’t read this earlier in my parenting journey. While deeply theological, this book is also incredibly practical. I would recommend it to all parents and will refer back to it regularly.
May 10, 2021
Tripp is good, but Beeke is way better. This is what I will hand to friends and future congregants who would like a gateway to Gouge, Palmer, Alexander, and Angell James.
October 25, 2025
Will revisit over and over. Concise, relevant and Scripture saturated.
July 3, 2022
This was a very helpful book. I recommend it to parents, pastors, and counselors. Convicting and encouraging for sure.
August 4, 2022
A good big-picture Christian parenting book, giving parents a biblical view of their responsibilities as parents. It touches on discipline, but that's not the focus; it has a larger perspective of parenting in the sense of raising children biblically. Beeke says the book is about how to raise God-fearing, well-instructed, mature humans who will make good spouses. It discusses three roles of parents: prophets (teaching, training), priests (serving, sympathizing) and kings (ruling, disciplining).
I didn't learn much new (I've read many Christian parenting books), but it was still valuable in reminding me of things I know, making me realize I need to do a better job parenting according to that knowledge, and encouraging me to persevere in parenting.
It's replete with Bible verses, and quotes from the Reformed Confessions (Westminster Standards and Three Forms of Unity).
Beeke is a parent and pastoral counselor to parents.
I read this at the recommendation of one of my pastors, when I told him I've been struggling with parenting our 4- and 2-year-olds.
Notes
Part 1: Covenantal Foundations for Parenting
Children of the Covenant
Children are sinners, as we are. That should make us more understanding, compassionate, gracious, while still treating sin seriously.
Our children are our most cherished mission field.
The Covenant Promise
3,000 souls baptized on Pentecost must have included children along with their parents, since children were part of covenant during OT, and their exclusion would've sparked comment or riot.
NT takes for granted that children are included in covenant as they were in OT; if this was meant to change, Bible would make that clearer.
Baptism replaces circumcision which was instituted in Gen 17 (Col 2:11).
Bringing Children to Christ
We must teach children whole counsel of God; law and gospel. Law to convict of sin, show need for Savior, offer guidelines for living. Must also share fulness of gospel.
Let law and gospel inform how you discipline.
God allows us to fail to keep us humble, but provides what we need at proper time. We can't give our kids new hearts, but God can.
Part 2: Parenting as Prophets, Priests, and Kings
Teaching our Children as Prophets
Tell children how Bible passages have helped you in your life. This helps them get used to freely conversing about God.
Don't grow weary if you don't see immediate progress in spiritual maturity. Plant the seed (Prov 22:6); result belongs to God.
What Should We Teach Our Children?
Teach children that outward obedience isn't sufficient for God; He looks at the heart (1 Sam 16:7).
When children sin, teach them about sinfulness of sin (1 John 1:8, 10) and need to be renovated from within and receive new hearts (Ps 51:6).
Training in Godly Living
When child does well, don't only commend child; praise God in front of child for giving child ability and results.
Sympathizing with Our Children
Don't expect children to be adults. Don't expect them to be better than you are, or conform to higher standards than God expects you to uphold.
Genuine, unconditional love is powerful. Christlike love, compassion, sympathy, tears are far more effective at correcting than threats, scolding.
Exercising Loving Rule as Kings
Proverbs says corporal punishment ("the rod") is part of discipline, but greater emphasis is what we say in reproof, correction, instruction in righteousness (2 Tim 3:16; Ecc 12:11).
Bible says we must discipline with corporal punishment when offense warrants, and words alone won't make point.
Begin with verbal reproof, not corporal punishment. God verbally reproves His people before physically disciplining.
Always follow up corporal punishment with praying with child.
We must discipline with words of rebuke and correction, and with "rod of correction" when words alone won't make necessary point.
Preventive Discipline
When children come home, talk about where they were, who they were with, what they did, their experiences. Don't interrogate; act like older friend who asks appropriate, caring, open-ended questions to hold child accountable.
Corrective Discipline
Don't discipline in anger. Pray before disciplining, "Quench my anger and fill me with love and compassion."
End discipline with praying in front of child for child's repentance, forgiveness, obedience, love. Don't use prayer as sermon or verbal abuse.
Discipline must include child's confession and, when possible, restitution for their wrongs. Let child have a "do-over" in the same situation, and help them choose the right action this time.
Distinguish between sin and inconveniences. "Since spilling milk is not upsetting to God, it need not be upsetting to me."
We must keep in mind our own weaknesses and sinful nature when disciplining children (Ps 103:8-9, 13-14).
Part 3: Practical Steps for Child-Rearing
Teaching Children Piety
Let children know that you're concerned about their lives, and you pray for them daily. When children share struggles with you, say, "Let's pray about that right now."
It takes years to see fruit of efforts (Ecc 11:1).
Teaching Children to Listen
Don't pretend to listen to child when you're not. You can't rebuke them for not listening to you when you don't listen to them.
Taming Children's Tongues
Tell children of experiences when we learned not to complain.
Set a zero-tolerance policy for disrespect. If child disrespects your wife, say, "You must never disrespect your mother, even in your tone of voice. You owe more to her than you can ever repay." Give some examples of what mother has done for them.
Model a good tongue. Go out of your way to compliment others. Compliment children. Tell them you love them. Mention their good qualities. Thank them for obedience. Affirm children when they do right. Discipline does more good if you've been affirming them for doing right.
In critiquing what children say, don't make mountains out of molehills. "Have one blind eye and one deaf ear" when correcting.
Part 4: Practical Helps for Teenagers
Helping Teenagers Discern God's Will
God guides us by Bible, providence, gifts and desires He's given us, counsel of others, prayer.
When considering a job, ask, "Which will do the most good to others? Where's the greatest need?" See Gal 5:13.
Bible calls us to make honest assessment of our gifts (Rom 12:3). Ask, "In what areas has God given me gifts that I can use to serve others? Also consider desires and delights. Though they're corrupted by sin, over time they're sanctified to line up with God's (Ps 37:4).
Questions for seeking God's will
• Are you trusting Christ as Savior and serving Him as Lord?
• Are you obeying biblical standards?
• Will this choice aid your spiritual life?
• Will this choice impact other people for their good?
• Will this choice waste time?
• Are you patiently waiting on God?
Helping Teenagers Manage Anger
Major in the majors (e.g., blatant disobedience) and minor in the minors (e.g., messy rooms). This can help you be calm in moments of frustration.
Only in Christ will you find a peace that passes understanding and be able to cope with frustrations of life and parenting. Only in Christ can angry self-exultation, self-idolatry, and seeking your own kingdom be replaced with Christ-exultation and seeking His Kingdom. Meditate on how God poured out His anger on His own Son so that He could pour out His love on you; how then can you be angry with others, when you're the recipient of so much love?
Say yes whenever possible, unless there's a solid reason to say no. Cultivate an attitude of affirmation.
Appendix 2: Children in the Church
Don't give up. Don't be weary in well-doing (Gal 6:9). Persevere in paths of righteousness, and trust God. With God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).
I didn't learn much new (I've read many Christian parenting books), but it was still valuable in reminding me of things I know, making me realize I need to do a better job parenting according to that knowledge, and encouraging me to persevere in parenting.
It's replete with Bible verses, and quotes from the Reformed Confessions (Westminster Standards and Three Forms of Unity).
Beeke is a parent and pastoral counselor to parents.
I read this at the recommendation of one of my pastors, when I told him I've been struggling with parenting our 4- and 2-year-olds.
Notes
Part 1: Covenantal Foundations for Parenting
Children of the Covenant
Children are sinners, as we are. That should make us more understanding, compassionate, gracious, while still treating sin seriously.
Our children are our most cherished mission field.
The Covenant Promise
3,000 souls baptized on Pentecost must have included children along with their parents, since children were part of covenant during OT, and their exclusion would've sparked comment or riot.
NT takes for granted that children are included in covenant as they were in OT; if this was meant to change, Bible would make that clearer.
Baptism replaces circumcision which was instituted in Gen 17 (Col 2:11).
Bringing Children to Christ
We must teach children whole counsel of God; law and gospel. Law to convict of sin, show need for Savior, offer guidelines for living. Must also share fulness of gospel.
Let law and gospel inform how you discipline.
God allows us to fail to keep us humble, but provides what we need at proper time. We can't give our kids new hearts, but God can.
Part 2: Parenting as Prophets, Priests, and Kings
Teaching our Children as Prophets
Tell children how Bible passages have helped you in your life. This helps them get used to freely conversing about God.
Don't grow weary if you don't see immediate progress in spiritual maturity. Plant the seed (Prov 22:6); result belongs to God.
What Should We Teach Our Children?
Teach children that outward obedience isn't sufficient for God; He looks at the heart (1 Sam 16:7).
When children sin, teach them about sinfulness of sin (1 John 1:8, 10) and need to be renovated from within and receive new hearts (Ps 51:6).
Training in Godly Living
When child does well, don't only commend child; praise God in front of child for giving child ability and results.
Sympathizing with Our Children
Don't expect children to be adults. Don't expect them to be better than you are, or conform to higher standards than God expects you to uphold.
Genuine, unconditional love is powerful. Christlike love, compassion, sympathy, tears are far more effective at correcting than threats, scolding.
Exercising Loving Rule as Kings
Proverbs says corporal punishment ("the rod") is part of discipline, but greater emphasis is what we say in reproof, correction, instruction in righteousness (2 Tim 3:16; Ecc 12:11).
Bible says we must discipline with corporal punishment when offense warrants, and words alone won't make point.
Begin with verbal reproof, not corporal punishment. God verbally reproves His people before physically disciplining.
Always follow up corporal punishment with praying with child.
We must discipline with words of rebuke and correction, and with "rod of correction" when words alone won't make necessary point.
Preventive Discipline
When children come home, talk about where they were, who they were with, what they did, their experiences. Don't interrogate; act like older friend who asks appropriate, caring, open-ended questions to hold child accountable.
Corrective Discipline
Don't discipline in anger. Pray before disciplining, "Quench my anger and fill me with love and compassion."
End discipline with praying in front of child for child's repentance, forgiveness, obedience, love. Don't use prayer as sermon or verbal abuse.
Discipline must include child's confession and, when possible, restitution for their wrongs. Let child have a "do-over" in the same situation, and help them choose the right action this time.
Distinguish between sin and inconveniences. "Since spilling milk is not upsetting to God, it need not be upsetting to me."
We must keep in mind our own weaknesses and sinful nature when disciplining children (Ps 103:8-9, 13-14).
Part 3: Practical Steps for Child-Rearing
Teaching Children Piety
Let children know that you're concerned about their lives, and you pray for them daily. When children share struggles with you, say, "Let's pray about that right now."
It takes years to see fruit of efforts (Ecc 11:1).
Teaching Children to Listen
Don't pretend to listen to child when you're not. You can't rebuke them for not listening to you when you don't listen to them.
Taming Children's Tongues
Tell children of experiences when we learned not to complain.
Set a zero-tolerance policy for disrespect. If child disrespects your wife, say, "You must never disrespect your mother, even in your tone of voice. You owe more to her than you can ever repay." Give some examples of what mother has done for them.
Model a good tongue. Go out of your way to compliment others. Compliment children. Tell them you love them. Mention their good qualities. Thank them for obedience. Affirm children when they do right. Discipline does more good if you've been affirming them for doing right.
In critiquing what children say, don't make mountains out of molehills. "Have one blind eye and one deaf ear" when correcting.
Part 4: Practical Helps for Teenagers
Helping Teenagers Discern God's Will
God guides us by Bible, providence, gifts and desires He's given us, counsel of others, prayer.
When considering a job, ask, "Which will do the most good to others? Where's the greatest need?" See Gal 5:13.
Bible calls us to make honest assessment of our gifts (Rom 12:3). Ask, "In what areas has God given me gifts that I can use to serve others? Also consider desires and delights. Though they're corrupted by sin, over time they're sanctified to line up with God's (Ps 37:4).
Questions for seeking God's will
• Are you trusting Christ as Savior and serving Him as Lord?
• Are you obeying biblical standards?
• Will this choice aid your spiritual life?
• Will this choice impact other people for their good?
• Will this choice waste time?
• Are you patiently waiting on God?
Helping Teenagers Manage Anger
Major in the majors (e.g., blatant disobedience) and minor in the minors (e.g., messy rooms). This can help you be calm in moments of frustration.
Only in Christ will you find a peace that passes understanding and be able to cope with frustrations of life and parenting. Only in Christ can angry self-exultation, self-idolatry, and seeking your own kingdom be replaced with Christ-exultation and seeking His Kingdom. Meditate on how God poured out His anger on His own Son so that He could pour out His love on you; how then can you be angry with others, when you're the recipient of so much love?
Say yes whenever possible, unless there's a solid reason to say no. Cultivate an attitude of affirmation.
Appendix 2: Children in the Church
Don't give up. Don't be weary in well-doing (Gal 6:9). Persevere in paths of righteousness, and trust God. With God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).
July 15, 2020
This seems like the manual for Christian Parents that they need to read 5 years before having kids. The Scripture and application portions are excellent and exhaustive. However, I feel like a total failure as a human being after reading this book...5 out of 5 stars, would recommend.
January 11, 2021
2021 Reading Challenge - A book about Christian living
January 14, 2021
This was absolutely life changing for me! It was clear, concise and easy to understand. I will always recommend this to my fellow christian parents!
July 16, 2022
Warmly practical and encouraging, Beeke leads the reader through all stages of parenting. Probably the best parenting book I’ve read.
September 16, 2020
Helpful
I use the word helpful carefully. I knew going into this book that there would be much to wade through in the issues I have with Calvinism. The author places much emphasis on catechisms and confessions, to a level that appears as high as God’s Word. This truly bothers me. There is the usually large amounts of quoting from Calvin and the Puritans, as well as the covenant theology they carry. The helpful part for me was the last few chapters on raising teenagers. Chapter 22 was my favorite, specializing in dealing with anger. This chapter alone brought my review from 2 to 3 stars.
I use the word helpful carefully. I knew going into this book that there would be much to wade through in the issues I have with Calvinism. The author places much emphasis on catechisms and confessions, to a level that appears as high as God’s Word. This truly bothers me. There is the usually large amounts of quoting from Calvin and the Puritans, as well as the covenant theology they carry. The helpful part for me was the last few chapters on raising teenagers. Chapter 22 was my favorite, specializing in dealing with anger. This chapter alone brought my review from 2 to 3 stars.
January 12, 2019
Convicting and practical. One I will return to over and over again throughout my child raising years. Loved it.
September 14, 2021
A reread from ten years ago, still one of the best parenting books in my opinion.
April 3, 2012
Head and Shoulders
Joel Beeke draws from the deep well of covenant theology and provides us with a glass of cold water for parents seeking to honor the Lord. Christ and his cross-work are the central theme of this book. Beeke leans hard on the finished work of Christ and the promise made by God to those of us in Christ through the covenant of grace.
Beeke starts off in Part One (“Covenantal Foundations for Parenting”) unpacking the truths found in Scripture surrounding Christ, the covenant of grace, and the gospel. He provides some well-needed, helpful encouragement for parents who take too much responsibility:
God teaches us that the success of happy, well-adjusted, spiritually minded, Christ-honoring, God-glorifying, Scripture-grounded children growing into adulthood is never because of us. Sometimes the Lord makes us realize our own insufficiency so that we learn to rest completely on the trustworthiness of His covenant and on the character of God Himself as the Author of it. (5)
He also warns about those within the stream of reformed theology who have wrongly presumed their children were converted and so failed to consistently call their children to belief and repentance (27-28).
In Part Two (“Parenting as Prophets, Priests, & Kings”), Beeke looks at the different roles parents must play in the home. Using Scriptural themes from the ministry of Jesus, we are to be prophets, priests, and kings. His section on being priests who are sensitive and sympathetic to their needs and weakness for our children was superb (Chapter 11 “Sympathizing with our Children”). He wisely reminds parents (Chapter 12 “Exercising Loving Rule as King”),
In matters involving nonessentials or “things indifferent,” we can and should accommodate the wishes of our children. We should not get into needless contests of wills. We should never put ourselves into a bind where we say, “That’s my word; I will never go back on anything I have said.” In such situations, we just come across as stubborn and unreasonable. But where God’s Word speaks, we cannot negotiate. In such matters, we must be absolutely consistent, not answering one way this time and another way the next. We must not convey to our children that the laws of our homes are negotiable and that our decisions are based on the whims of the moment rather than the God-given, unchanging principles of Scripture. Since we are the leaders in our homes, we are in charge, and we must command our households in a way that honors God (Gen. 18:19). (132)
I find myself too often saying no with no good reason except that I feel like saying no instead of delighting to say to yes to our children like God delights in saying yes to us in Christ.
In Part Three (“Practical Steps for Child-Rearing”), Beeke starts by tracing his steps back to our Puritan forefathers. He dispels the notion that the Puritans were heavy-handed legalists showing rather that their parenting was Christ-centered and practical. Beeke also offers some amazing insights into the marriages of Puritans. For those wanting to know what a loving Biblical marriages look like Beeke offers some wonderful insights into the husband/wife relationship from the Puritans (see 171-72). He then moves on to discuss the importance of piety (holiness), listening, controlling the tongue, and how we must manage sibling relationships.
In Part Four (“Practical Helps for Teenagers”), Beeke specifically targets teenagers. He notes this stage is particularly important because teenagers are transitioning from grown children to young adults. He provides practical wisdom like Solomon speaking to his own son about discerning God’s will, conquering peer pressure, and managing anger. He concludes that the covenant blessing often are passed from one generation to the next (although not always) and so we must rear our children in a way that prepares them to love the Lord and raise a godly family within the covenant as well. He says,
In a certain sense, this entire book is about preparing children for marriage, but I want to go a bit deeper here. As parents, we are deeply concerned about whom our children will marry, but are we sufficiently concerned that our children become men and women who will make excellent husbands and wives for their future spouses? Too often we forget that it takes two to build a great marriage. (273)
God’s Covenant Promise
The main difference between Beeke’s Parenting by God’s Promises and myriad of other parenting books currently available is the explicit covenant connection. Parenting by God’s Promises is robustly reformed in its theology and application therein. He says,
The covenant of grace is like a wedding vow that God will never break. The sacrament of baptism is the wedding ring, the outward sign of our union with Him. People broken by sin who have been taught by the Spirit to trust in the gospel are the bride. And Christ is the groom—indeed, the heart of the covenant. (xvi)
I found his covenantal perspective refreshingly biblical and in stark contrast to most pragmatism offered to Christian parents. He attempts to moor all his parenting advice to directives of Scriptures or commands which “by good and necessary consequence may be deduced from Scripture” (WCF I. VI). Hand in hand with that praise, Beeke also mentions many applications of his reformed faith which I respect but many might disagree with. For instance, he recommends a strict sabbath-keeping.
One of the strengths of the reformed church has been the intentional instruction of children particularly through catechizing them. Beeke strongly encourages parents to read through all of Scripture with their children once a year; he also recommends the use of question and answers (catechisms). These kinds of intentional parenting methods are all but absent from wider evangelicalism. I recently conducted an informal survey of about a dozen people ranging from active and sedentary Christians, seminary students, and pastors and out of a dozen people only two had an intentional method for growing themselves in Christ and spent regular time in the word. This lack of intentionality trickles down to the care of our families and has had deadly results. His practical, intentional advice on teaching our children was a rebuke for me and an encouragement to move forward.
The Greatest of These is Love
Finally, I found his emphasis on loving our children by being gracious and respectful refreshing. Christians often respond to the lack of discipline in our culture by only focusing on spanking and forms of corporal punishment. Beeke touches on these valuable truths but he balances them so well with the equally important manner in which we flood our children’s lives with grace and love. He recommends a level of gentleness through out which many parents would do well to heed. I fear too often parents make two mistakes--failing to offer any discipline and, when it’s offered, reacting out of frustration and not out of love and grace. I could sense that this book flowed out years of parental and pastoral experience founded in a genuine love for Jesus.
Parenting by God’s Promises is extremely readable and could be consumed with out problems by any level of reader. Even for those who may not agree 100% with all of his covenant theology (i.e., infant baptism) or with some of his application (“gosh” as a breaking of the second commandment), this book is an invaluable resource. It’s gospel-saturated, rich with wisdom, and values holiness.
Joel Beeke draws from the deep well of covenant theology and provides us with a glass of cold water for parents seeking to honor the Lord. Christ and his cross-work are the central theme of this book. Beeke leans hard on the finished work of Christ and the promise made by God to those of us in Christ through the covenant of grace.
Beeke starts off in Part One (“Covenantal Foundations for Parenting”) unpacking the truths found in Scripture surrounding Christ, the covenant of grace, and the gospel. He provides some well-needed, helpful encouragement for parents who take too much responsibility:
God teaches us that the success of happy, well-adjusted, spiritually minded, Christ-honoring, God-glorifying, Scripture-grounded children growing into adulthood is never because of us. Sometimes the Lord makes us realize our own insufficiency so that we learn to rest completely on the trustworthiness of His covenant and on the character of God Himself as the Author of it. (5)
He also warns about those within the stream of reformed theology who have wrongly presumed their children were converted and so failed to consistently call their children to belief and repentance (27-28).
In Part Two (“Parenting as Prophets, Priests, & Kings”), Beeke looks at the different roles parents must play in the home. Using Scriptural themes from the ministry of Jesus, we are to be prophets, priests, and kings. His section on being priests who are sensitive and sympathetic to their needs and weakness for our children was superb (Chapter 11 “Sympathizing with our Children”). He wisely reminds parents (Chapter 12 “Exercising Loving Rule as King”),
In matters involving nonessentials or “things indifferent,” we can and should accommodate the wishes of our children. We should not get into needless contests of wills. We should never put ourselves into a bind where we say, “That’s my word; I will never go back on anything I have said.” In such situations, we just come across as stubborn and unreasonable. But where God’s Word speaks, we cannot negotiate. In such matters, we must be absolutely consistent, not answering one way this time and another way the next. We must not convey to our children that the laws of our homes are negotiable and that our decisions are based on the whims of the moment rather than the God-given, unchanging principles of Scripture. Since we are the leaders in our homes, we are in charge, and we must command our households in a way that honors God (Gen. 18:19). (132)
I find myself too often saying no with no good reason except that I feel like saying no instead of delighting to say to yes to our children like God delights in saying yes to us in Christ.
In Part Three (“Practical Steps for Child-Rearing”), Beeke starts by tracing his steps back to our Puritan forefathers. He dispels the notion that the Puritans were heavy-handed legalists showing rather that their parenting was Christ-centered and practical. Beeke also offers some amazing insights into the marriages of Puritans. For those wanting to know what a loving Biblical marriages look like Beeke offers some wonderful insights into the husband/wife relationship from the Puritans (see 171-72). He then moves on to discuss the importance of piety (holiness), listening, controlling the tongue, and how we must manage sibling relationships.
In Part Four (“Practical Helps for Teenagers”), Beeke specifically targets teenagers. He notes this stage is particularly important because teenagers are transitioning from grown children to young adults. He provides practical wisdom like Solomon speaking to his own son about discerning God’s will, conquering peer pressure, and managing anger. He concludes that the covenant blessing often are passed from one generation to the next (although not always) and so we must rear our children in a way that prepares them to love the Lord and raise a godly family within the covenant as well. He says,
In a certain sense, this entire book is about preparing children for marriage, but I want to go a bit deeper here. As parents, we are deeply concerned about whom our children will marry, but are we sufficiently concerned that our children become men and women who will make excellent husbands and wives for their future spouses? Too often we forget that it takes two to build a great marriage. (273)
God’s Covenant Promise
The main difference between Beeke’s Parenting by God’s Promises and myriad of other parenting books currently available is the explicit covenant connection. Parenting by God’s Promises is robustly reformed in its theology and application therein. He says,
The covenant of grace is like a wedding vow that God will never break. The sacrament of baptism is the wedding ring, the outward sign of our union with Him. People broken by sin who have been taught by the Spirit to trust in the gospel are the bride. And Christ is the groom—indeed, the heart of the covenant. (xvi)
I found his covenantal perspective refreshingly biblical and in stark contrast to most pragmatism offered to Christian parents. He attempts to moor all his parenting advice to directives of Scriptures or commands which “by good and necessary consequence may be deduced from Scripture” (WCF I. VI). Hand in hand with that praise, Beeke also mentions many applications of his reformed faith which I respect but many might disagree with. For instance, he recommends a strict sabbath-keeping.
One of the strengths of the reformed church has been the intentional instruction of children particularly through catechizing them. Beeke strongly encourages parents to read through all of Scripture with their children once a year; he also recommends the use of question and answers (catechisms). These kinds of intentional parenting methods are all but absent from wider evangelicalism. I recently conducted an informal survey of about a dozen people ranging from active and sedentary Christians, seminary students, and pastors and out of a dozen people only two had an intentional method for growing themselves in Christ and spent regular time in the word. This lack of intentionality trickles down to the care of our families and has had deadly results. His practical, intentional advice on teaching our children was a rebuke for me and an encouragement to move forward.
The Greatest of These is Love
Finally, I found his emphasis on loving our children by being gracious and respectful refreshing. Christians often respond to the lack of discipline in our culture by only focusing on spanking and forms of corporal punishment. Beeke touches on these valuable truths but he balances them so well with the equally important manner in which we flood our children’s lives with grace and love. He recommends a level of gentleness through out which many parents would do well to heed. I fear too often parents make two mistakes--failing to offer any discipline and, when it’s offered, reacting out of frustration and not out of love and grace. I could sense that this book flowed out years of parental and pastoral experience founded in a genuine love for Jesus.
Parenting by God’s Promises is extremely readable and could be consumed with out problems by any level of reader. Even for those who may not agree 100% with all of his covenant theology (i.e., infant baptism) or with some of his application (“gosh” as a breaking of the second commandment), this book is an invaluable resource. It’s gospel-saturated, rich with wisdom, and values holiness.
March 18, 2019
A helpful guide to parenting, packed with biblical and practical insights.
The greatest strength of the book is its chapters on a model for parenting. Beeke persuasively argues for a prophet, priest and king model.
As prophets we are to proclaim the gospel, teach them the doctrines of the faith and live a life that portrays transformation by the gospel.
As priests we are to set our children apart from the world, we are to intercede for them in prayer and we are to sympathize with their weaknesses.
As kings we are to rule them in sacrificial love, our application of discipline and our affirmation of love should never be separated. We should be clear in communicating principles, be consistent in applying punishment, pray with and for our children when they transgress and not use discipline as an instrument for public humiliation.
Beeke grounds his approach in Covenant Theology. Fortunately, the wealth of insight in this book does not require a particular system. Biblical principles have a way of transcending principles. The opening chapters combine a dangerous cocktail of infant baptism, covenant theology and reading promises made to Israel as applying to the church. At least Beeke is honest in assessing that his system does entail that God's covenant promises are not a guarantee of salvation.
I would implore the reader who disagrees with this point-of-view to either persevere, read these chapters charitably or skip them if there is a threat of confusion. The pay-off will be worthwhile, as this book provides excellent material to reflect on your own parenting, it is littered with Puritan insights and meditations from a pastor who is concerned for the raising of children to God's glory.
The greatest strength of the book is its chapters on a model for parenting. Beeke persuasively argues for a prophet, priest and king model.
As prophets we are to proclaim the gospel, teach them the doctrines of the faith and live a life that portrays transformation by the gospel.
As priests we are to set our children apart from the world, we are to intercede for them in prayer and we are to sympathize with their weaknesses.
As kings we are to rule them in sacrificial love, our application of discipline and our affirmation of love should never be separated. We should be clear in communicating principles, be consistent in applying punishment, pray with and for our children when they transgress and not use discipline as an instrument for public humiliation.
Beeke grounds his approach in Covenant Theology. Fortunately, the wealth of insight in this book does not require a particular system. Biblical principles have a way of transcending principles. The opening chapters combine a dangerous cocktail of infant baptism, covenant theology and reading promises made to Israel as applying to the church. At least Beeke is honest in assessing that his system does entail that God's covenant promises are not a guarantee of salvation.
I would implore the reader who disagrees with this point-of-view to either persevere, read these chapters charitably or skip them if there is a threat of confusion. The pay-off will be worthwhile, as this book provides excellent material to reflect on your own parenting, it is littered with Puritan insights and meditations from a pastor who is concerned for the raising of children to God's glory.
February 16, 2025
I heard Beeke teach on family worship and was really encouraged by what he shared in his message, so I bought this book. In the first part, he explains the paedobaptism view. I finished that section convinced that it is not the biblical view. However, he has some helpful insights outside of this. At times, the book dragged a bit.
He mentions that he wanted this to be a book that overflows from his time in the Bible, so he doesn’t include many references. This is interesting, but at times, the book felt disconnected and somewhat random in its thoughts.
Chapters 11 and 18 were especially helpful, and surprisingly, the appendix at the end was also good. I would give this book 3.8 stars.
He mentions that he wanted this to be a book that overflows from his time in the Bible, so he doesn’t include many references. This is interesting, but at times, the book felt disconnected and somewhat random in its thoughts.
Chapters 11 and 18 were especially helpful, and surprisingly, the appendix at the end was also good. I would give this book 3.8 stars.
April 25, 2020
Definitely the best parenting book I've ever read. It's very convicting, encouraging, and a bit overwhelming. I'll be referring back to several of the chapters in this book as I continue along this parenting journey.
May 22, 2021
Best parenting book I’ve ever read! Managed to finish it one week before the birth of my second child. Which means, I am an expert and ready to go. Just kidding...
It was humbling, encouraging, convicting to read... Beeke is an amazing man of God. So thankful for God’s work through him.
It was humbling, encouraging, convicting to read... Beeke is an amazing man of God. So thankful for God’s work through him.
December 9, 2021
This book has some helpful lists towards the back that are good general reminders for parents and grandparents and are very encouraging. The beginning also has a good overview of paedobaptist theology from a covenantal perspective.
August 28, 2022
Love this book ! I listened on audio while I cooked and cleaned, I don’t disagree with anything he said, I learned a lot from this book , it refers to scripture for almost every advice given and I would read it and will read it again many times! I think this all constitutes for 5 stars !!!
May 6, 2024
Truly, a well of refreshing, Biblical instruction for younger and older parents. Dr Beeke does an excellent job treating a host of subjects ranging from hot button to hushed, I am sure I will be returning to this work again and again to draw out as much water as I can.
January 1, 2021
A very thorough Biblical look at the subject. I also appreciate how that didn't stop him from giving some good practical advice.
March 30, 2021
A must-read for Christians parents. I disagree with the author on baptism, but with that caveat, this books gets my full endorsement.
May 25, 2022
This was an excellent theological and practical guide to parenting from the Reformed tradition. Being a Particular Baptist, I disagreed with some of Dr. Beeke's assertions regarding the status of infants in the covenant, but nonetheless, I deeply appreciate his warm and pastoral exposition and application. The section on the Puritan home life was particularly helpful.
July 22, 2022
Excelente livro de paternidade sob a perspectiva aliancista. Esperando alguma boa editora traduzir. 😬
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