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Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse
From a leading voice on recovering from toxic relationships, a deeply insightful guide to getting back to your "old self" again--in order to truly heal and move on.Jackson MacKenzie has helped millions of people in their struggle to understand the experience of toxic relationships. His first book, Psychopath Free, explained how to identify and survive the immediate situation. In this highly anticipated new book, he guides readers on what to do next--how to fully heal from abuse in order to find love and acceptance for the self and others.Through his close work with--and deep connection to--thousands of survivors of abusive relationships Jackson discovered that most survivors have symptoms of trauma long after the relationship is over. These range from feelings of numbness and emptiness to depression, perfectionism, substance abuse, and many more. But he’s also found that it is possible to work through these symptoms and find love on the other side, and this book shows how. Through a practice of mindfulness, introspection, and exercises using specific tools, readers learn to identify the protective self they've developed - and uncover the core self, so that they can finally move on to live a full and authentic life--to once again feel light, free, and whole, and ready to love again. This book addresses and provides crucial guidance on topics and conditions complex PTSD, Narcissistic abuse, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Codependency, Core wounding, toxic shame, Borderline Personality Disorder, and so many more. Whole Again offers hope and multiple strategies to anyone who has survived a toxic relationship, as well as anyone suffering the effects of a breakup involving lying, cheating and other forms of abuse--to release old wounds and safely let the love back inside where it belongs.
300 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 8, 2019
1251 people are currently reading
8390 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 348 reviews
October 15, 2020
I think I will get a lot of angry feedback for this review as some will think I must not of had anything tragic to get over if this is my attitude. Not the case, but be as it may, here I go.
This is a good book for anyone who believes in just getting over it; Someone not interested in years of counseling and discussing the past. This book fit my healing and growth style. I understand we all have to go about it in different ways.
This book reinforced in me, the past is meant to be learned from, not repeated or a place to remain. Not saying that is easy, but part of moving on to a healthy life is letting go of the past and teaching yourself to not react to the present as if is the past.
Recognize false beliefs and unhealthy relationships., past and present. Take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions today. View your past hurts or abuse for what it was and forgive your abuser, yourself and hell forgive the world if you need to, but move toward with the good part of yourself and keep moving forward.
This is a good book for anyone who believes in just getting over it; Someone not interested in years of counseling and discussing the past. This book fit my healing and growth style. I understand we all have to go about it in different ways.
This book reinforced in me, the past is meant to be learned from, not repeated or a place to remain. Not saying that is easy, but part of moving on to a healthy life is letting go of the past and teaching yourself to not react to the present as if is the past.
Recognize false beliefs and unhealthy relationships., past and present. Take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions today. View your past hurts or abuse for what it was and forgive your abuser, yourself and hell forgive the world if you need to, but move toward with the good part of yourself and keep moving forward.
March 6, 2019
Aside from lived experience and running a blog the author has zero professional credentials to be publishing on this subject matter....
January 13, 2019
Excellent
Jackson has a relatable way of explaining things. This book will challenge you to do tough work, but offers solutions to move forward. I will definitely re read parts of this book as I attempt to apply his methods. If you're truly ready to give up victim mode and move on, this book is for you.
Jackson has a relatable way of explaining things. This book will challenge you to do tough work, but offers solutions to move forward. I will definitely re read parts of this book as I attempt to apply his methods. If you're truly ready to give up victim mode and move on, this book is for you.
November 26, 2020
Why a 1 star? Let me explain.
When i first read the book i was over the top excited. Finally someone who has been through what i've been through and come out on the other side "whole again". I shared this book with all of my friends and family. Even the ones who actually abused me and suffered from cluster b. Why? Because this book not only claims to make abuse victims whole again but even make cluster b whole again. Ptsd? Borderline? Perfectionism? Eating disorder? Well you're in luck just sit everyday with the feeling in your body and bam after 50 years you'll be whole again. ;)
Empty promises. This book over simplifies the healing process. First of all this area of psychology is under researched. Even professional phd level pyschologist dont have a treatment for any cluster b or abuse victims. This is the prime example of a leyman trying to tackle something beyong his scope.
The only thing good about this book is i can relate to him and feel validated. Other than that there is nothing much to gain.
When i first read the book i was over the top excited. Finally someone who has been through what i've been through and come out on the other side "whole again". I shared this book with all of my friends and family. Even the ones who actually abused me and suffered from cluster b. Why? Because this book not only claims to make abuse victims whole again but even make cluster b whole again. Ptsd? Borderline? Perfectionism? Eating disorder? Well you're in luck just sit everyday with the feeling in your body and bam after 50 years you'll be whole again. ;)
Empty promises. This book over simplifies the healing process. First of all this area of psychology is under researched. Even professional phd level pyschologist dont have a treatment for any cluster b or abuse victims. This is the prime example of a leyman trying to tackle something beyong his scope.
The only thing good about this book is i can relate to him and feel validated. Other than that there is nothing much to gain.
March 29, 2019
So that's why it constantly feels like a vise is squeezing my stomach and why I'm always jumping at loud noises or sudden movements!
The central premise is that people with personality disorders, as well as mental illness that reaches to the core of their being like complex PTSD, suffered from a past incident that convinced them they are bad people; they are, on a fundamental level, not good enough. In order to avoid the extreme pain that such a notion would cause, they engage in a series of unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid that pain--what MacKenzie calls the "protective self." For example, people with BPD fall very quickly in love with someone, thus showing that they are desirable and people will accept them, but since they don't believe this at their core, they eventually abandon that person and move onto someone else, thus making sure they're never in the role of the one who is abandoned (see also I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). The perfectionist always takes on more and more projects, trying to finish something that will prove that their work is worthwhile. But since they don't believe this, they'll never be happy with anything they finish regardless of its quality.
Continuing to engage in that same behavior will never work. Engaging the protective self on its terms never actually solves the "core wound" because there's always another "what if." For people with codependency issues, maybe this person can be saved through their support and energy even if it never previously worked. For people with avoidant personality disorder, maybe this is the time where if they just don't engage with a conflict it will go away. But in no case does this address the reason why this behavior happens, it's just another way of feeding it.
The solution thus involves actually feeling the pain that the protective self was developed to avoid. This will almost certainly be horrible and screw up your life for a while, but it's the only way to break through the protective self. Then, forgive yourself.
This is where Whole Again kind of lost me. There's a lot of talk about unconditional love, above the need to not judge yourself, about toxic shame dissolving in the light of love. And, I understand that the book is right that external factors cannot solve a problem that comes not just from within, but from the fundamental parts of one's self. No matter how many people tell you that they love you, that you're a good person, that your effort is good and that your work is worthwhile, if you don't believe it you'll always find some reason why those people were lying, or they weren't lying but that was then and this is now, or--perhaps the most insidious--that you've fooled them into thinking you're good even though you're actually terrible.
It is, of course, silly for someone to think that they're worthless but also a master manipulator capable of fooling their close friends and colleagues, but it's not like emotions are subject to logic.
I don't really see how to get from "I am terrible" to "I feel that I am terrible, which is just one feeling I have among many." It seems like an unbridgeable gap to me, and while there's certain behaviors that are worth eliminating on the path like negative self-talk or ruminating on the past, I don't see how that leads to forgiveness. There's even a part of the book that talks about how the people reading it might be thinking, "Ah, but you're wrong. See, I actually am that bad," but didn't really answer how to escape that trap.
I mean, it's right that you have to, and I assume the way to cross that gap is "years of therapy."
Despite that disconnect, I found a lot of the book extremely valuable. While some of it is directed towards people who suffer from personality disorders, CPTSD, extreme perfectionism, etc., some of it is also directed at people in relationships with those people. There are quotes like:
Regardless of the ease of implementing the core premise, Whole Again gave me a lot to think about.
The central premise is that people with personality disorders, as well as mental illness that reaches to the core of their being like complex PTSD, suffered from a past incident that convinced them they are bad people; they are, on a fundamental level, not good enough. In order to avoid the extreme pain that such a notion would cause, they engage in a series of unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid that pain--what MacKenzie calls the "protective self." For example, people with BPD fall very quickly in love with someone, thus showing that they are desirable and people will accept them, but since they don't believe this at their core, they eventually abandon that person and move onto someone else, thus making sure they're never in the role of the one who is abandoned (see also I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). The perfectionist always takes on more and more projects, trying to finish something that will prove that their work is worthwhile. But since they don't believe this, they'll never be happy with anything they finish regardless of its quality.
Continuing to engage in that same behavior will never work. Engaging the protective self on its terms never actually solves the "core wound" because there's always another "what if." For people with codependency issues, maybe this person can be saved through their support and energy even if it never previously worked. For people with avoidant personality disorder, maybe this is the time where if they just don't engage with a conflict it will go away. But in no case does this address the reason why this behavior happens, it's just another way of feeding it.
The solution thus involves actually feeling the pain that the protective self was developed to avoid. This will almost certainly be horrible and screw up your life for a while, but it's the only way to break through the protective self. Then, forgive yourself.
This is where Whole Again kind of lost me. There's a lot of talk about unconditional love, above the need to not judge yourself, about toxic shame dissolving in the light of love. And, I understand that the book is right that external factors cannot solve a problem that comes not just from within, but from the fundamental parts of one's self. No matter how many people tell you that they love you, that you're a good person, that your effort is good and that your work is worthwhile, if you don't believe it you'll always find some reason why those people were lying, or they weren't lying but that was then and this is now, or--perhaps the most insidious--that you've fooled them into thinking you're good even though you're actually terrible.
It is, of course, silly for someone to think that they're worthless but also a master manipulator capable of fooling their close friends and colleagues, but it's not like emotions are subject to logic.
I don't really see how to get from "I am terrible" to "I feel that I am terrible, which is just one feeling I have among many." It seems like an unbridgeable gap to me, and while there's certain behaviors that are worth eliminating on the path like negative self-talk or ruminating on the past, I don't see how that leads to forgiveness. There's even a part of the book that talks about how the people reading it might be thinking, "Ah, but you're wrong. See, I actually am that bad," but didn't really answer how to escape that trap.
I mean, it's right that you have to, and I assume the way to cross that gap is "years of therapy."
Despite that disconnect, I found a lot of the book extremely valuable. While some of it is directed towards people who suffer from personality disorders, CPTSD, extreme perfectionism, etc., some of it is also directed at people in relationships with those people. There are quotes like:
1) A disordered individual provokes you....about how it's easy to come away from such relationships thinking that the fundamental problem is with you, that you are bad, when really "who is the bad one?" isn't a question that's worth asking. It's just playing into the protective self. "I can't be bad because you are bad," no matter which direction it's aimed at, doesn't actually resolve the core wound.
2) You deal with the issue calmly, thinking the conflict is resolved.
3) Repeat steps 1 and 2 many, many times.
4) Eventually you react less calmly, sick of the provocations.
5) The disordered individual victimizes themselves from your reaction: "Oh wow, you're so [crazy/sensitive/impatient/mean/bitter]!"
Regardless of the ease of implementing the core premise, Whole Again gave me a lot to think about.
January 25, 2023
A lot of hefty shame/blame on people who suffer from cluster b personality disorders. A lot of sweeping blanket statements not back up by any research (no footnotes) or professional clinical experience. Making the argument that only people with personality disorders are “abusers” and does not take into account peoples attachment difficulties or any developmental trauma.
Some good ideas about the “protective self” but no tools to implement the advice.
I would have preferred to hear about his own reflective journey instead of being heavily focused on shaming people with personality disorders, as if they are immune to emotional abuse.
Some good ideas about the “protective self” but no tools to implement the advice.
I would have preferred to hear about his own reflective journey instead of being heavily focused on shaming people with personality disorders, as if they are immune to emotional abuse.
January 12, 2020
Possible spoilers...
I am glad I read this book, it did give me the push I needed to change my perspective. He says to stop living life by your "stories" and stop telling them, and while I understand what he is saying, it's our stories that make us who we are. Even in this book, he shares parts of his own stories. No, I don't want my stories to define who I am, anymore. They are in the past, and I am living in the present. However, if telling my story will help someone, I am going to tell my story.
I am noticing my protective self now. It takes me a bit to realize why I am acting how I am, but at least I am in the stage of realization now.
I still need to learn and understand unconditional love. That still eludes me.
All in all, this did help me. I am okay sitting in my uncomfortable and my pain. I know I will live through it.
I am glad I read this book, it did give me the push I needed to change my perspective. He says to stop living life by your "stories" and stop telling them, and while I understand what he is saying, it's our stories that make us who we are. Even in this book, he shares parts of his own stories. No, I don't want my stories to define who I am, anymore. They are in the past, and I am living in the present. However, if telling my story will help someone, I am going to tell my story.
I am noticing my protective self now. It takes me a bit to realize why I am acting how I am, but at least I am in the stage of realization now.
I still need to learn and understand unconditional love. That still eludes me.
All in all, this did help me. I am okay sitting in my uncomfortable and my pain. I know I will live through it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 1, 2022
This was a painful read, not bad, but painful. And according to the author, that’s a good thing. I think it’s a good thing because it helps me work through my own thoughts and feelings, giving me words to describe similar feelings and sensations and maybe find meaning in my own pain and grief. Catharsis was something I learned about in a college class - either TMA 114 or Greek and Roman Mythology, and it really stuck with me. Feeling something so deeply that it releases and heals the hurts. So in many ways, this book was a cathartic read. I can appreciate that. An EMDR phrase that has served me over the last year of therapy is “feel it so you can release it.” That feels like catharsis to me.
I often find myself in the books that I read, reflected in the characters, in their motivations and struggles. I think it’s one of the reasons I read - and simultaneously one of the reasons I don’t! I don’t want to relate TOO much to real life tragedies and travesties. So after reading something very real like this, I ran away and read two “fluffier” books. “My Plain Jane” and “The Left-handed Book Sellers of London,” in case you’re interested. Highly entertaining. Much less real-world trauma work.
The author describes a weight in his heart, on his chest, and that observing that sensation and working through the protective self to understand those sensations helps to heal the heart and self. It is HARD work. And I have been doing it for what feels like a million years. What does my protective self feel like it needs to protect me from? I should probably read this book again, more slowly, and with a pen and paper at hand, to be sure to take in the lesions it’s trying to teach me.
Another phrase that is serving me really well in therapy right now is in relation to my emotions. “Ask them not to overwhelm you.” I have always been a crier, a tender soul, and that tenderness leaks out my eyeballs and a comfortable-only-to-me rate and frequency, it seems. So acknowledging my emotions and tears, and asking the emotions to give me some space so that the tears aren’t so omnipresent, has helped. Does it stop the tears? Not a chance! 😅Nor do I want to. I think they’re a beautiful part of me, and I am grateful for the gift of being able to cry.
There is a lot that I still need and want to learn from books like this. But I appreciated the style of this book and the reminders of self-compassion in books I have also enjoyed in the last year - like “Radical Compassion” by Tara Brach, and “The Gifts of Imperfection,” by Brené Brown. I liked the examples the author gave and felt like it was a good read- engaging, but not overwhelming. It was organized and helpful, often feeling like a manual or guidebook through sessions of facing emotional abuse and toxicity. I recommend it. And thank you, for reading through this rough, raw, journal-entry style review.
I often find myself in the books that I read, reflected in the characters, in their motivations and struggles. I think it’s one of the reasons I read - and simultaneously one of the reasons I don’t! I don’t want to relate TOO much to real life tragedies and travesties. So after reading something very real like this, I ran away and read two “fluffier” books. “My Plain Jane” and “The Left-handed Book Sellers of London,” in case you’re interested. Highly entertaining. Much less real-world trauma work.
The author describes a weight in his heart, on his chest, and that observing that sensation and working through the protective self to understand those sensations helps to heal the heart and self. It is HARD work. And I have been doing it for what feels like a million years. What does my protective self feel like it needs to protect me from? I should probably read this book again, more slowly, and with a pen and paper at hand, to be sure to take in the lesions it’s trying to teach me.
Another phrase that is serving me really well in therapy right now is in relation to my emotions. “Ask them not to overwhelm you.” I have always been a crier, a tender soul, and that tenderness leaks out my eyeballs and a comfortable-only-to-me rate and frequency, it seems. So acknowledging my emotions and tears, and asking the emotions to give me some space so that the tears aren’t so omnipresent, has helped. Does it stop the tears? Not a chance! 😅Nor do I want to. I think they’re a beautiful part of me, and I am grateful for the gift of being able to cry.
There is a lot that I still need and want to learn from books like this. But I appreciated the style of this book and the reminders of self-compassion in books I have also enjoyed in the last year - like “Radical Compassion” by Tara Brach, and “The Gifts of Imperfection,” by Brené Brown. I liked the examples the author gave and felt like it was a good read- engaging, but not overwhelming. It was organized and helpful, often feeling like a manual or guidebook through sessions of facing emotional abuse and toxicity. I recommend it. And thank you, for reading through this rough, raw, journal-entry style review.
December 4, 2022
This is the perfect book to read once you have inundated yourself on information about cluster-B personality disorders. Anyone who has been abused by someone like tends to go through a period of time where you are obsessively learning about the twisted mind of the person who hurt you. You really want to make sure you are never hurt like that again. This book helps you put the focus back on yourself. This is the only book I have ever read that actually helped me understand why I feel/felt a numbness after entering my personal healing journey. It’s the only book that helped me learn how to truly address toxic shame. This is a must read!
June 11, 2020
This book gave me the validation I needed in order to start the healing process after a toxic relationship and gave a guide how to implement boundaries in an ongoing toxic relationship that is not so easy to let go of (a parent). Emotional abuse is oftentimes hidden behind gaslighting and being accused of "hypersensitivity", this book exposes all the tools of an emotional abuser and helps you break through the wall of their abuse. It's not an overnight solution but it definitely gives hope and a guide to recovery.
I highly recommend reading it, even if you don't think you are or have been in a toxic relationship, it will show you all the warning signs in order to avoid one!
I highly recommend reading it, even if you don't think you are or have been in a toxic relationship, it will show you all the warning signs in order to avoid one!
March 14, 2022
This book is good and has a lot of good points however, it focuses a lot on different personality disorders in sections so you read a lot that may not apply to you (or you thought didn’t) and then you find yourself wondering ummm do I have BPD? Am I narcissistic?? When you were looking for help in the first place and then you get anxious all over again :)
November 2, 2024
I normally shy away from psychology-type books that aren’t written by licensed professionals. I’m fairly certain the author of this book is not one, but he does seem psychologically informed, and I found the book both compelling and helpful.
The concept of the protective self was one that resonated with me, and I found the practice of envisioning a connection to a source of endless, unconditional love transformative and healing.
I think this book would be helpful for anyone who has endured emotional abuse or been in a relationship with someone who has a cluster-B personality disorder. It can help you work through how such relationships can affect you and what you can do to both protect yourself from harm and heal if you have suffered.
I also think it could be helpful for people who have come out of high control religious environments and are rethinking some of the things they were taught to believe. Some of the things I found thought-provoking about the book were the author’s descriptions of toxic shame, dualistic thinking, and codependency. Though he wasn’t speaking about them in the context of religion, it was interesting to connect what he was saying about each of them with what I know about the language that is used in high control religious environments to control and manipulate people. Seeing how abusive that kind of dynamic is in religious and relational contexts had me thinking about how any theologies that rely on them can be neither healthy or authentic.
There are a couple of things in the book that I didn’t agree with or think were sound, but overall, I would recommend it for most readers with the caution that his approach can be a bit reductionistic or overly prescriptive for those who deal with clinical depression or anxiety and for those who are walking through grief. Seek additional support if you are dealing with any of those things.
The concept of the protective self was one that resonated with me, and I found the practice of envisioning a connection to a source of endless, unconditional love transformative and healing.
I think this book would be helpful for anyone who has endured emotional abuse or been in a relationship with someone who has a cluster-B personality disorder. It can help you work through how such relationships can affect you and what you can do to both protect yourself from harm and heal if you have suffered.
I also think it could be helpful for people who have come out of high control religious environments and are rethinking some of the things they were taught to believe. Some of the things I found thought-provoking about the book were the author’s descriptions of toxic shame, dualistic thinking, and codependency. Though he wasn’t speaking about them in the context of religion, it was interesting to connect what he was saying about each of them with what I know about the language that is used in high control religious environments to control and manipulate people. Seeing how abusive that kind of dynamic is in religious and relational contexts had me thinking about how any theologies that rely on them can be neither healthy or authentic.
There are a couple of things in the book that I didn’t agree with or think were sound, but overall, I would recommend it for most readers with the caution that his approach can be a bit reductionistic or overly prescriptive for those who deal with clinical depression or anxiety and for those who are walking through grief. Seek additional support if you are dealing with any of those things.
September 26, 2021
This is an amazing book. Jackson MacKenzie is one of the most compassionate and non-judgmental writers and never makes you feel pathetic or silly or judged for being in the situation that you are in. He is such a comforting presence, such a lovely genuine person who humbly shares his struggles and the steps that helped him to recover. There is no sense of him trying to make himself seem strong or authoritative or credible, he is so genuine and transparent and honest about his story, and his humility makes him feel like a gentle and wise friend guiding you back home.
I could relate to so much of what Jackson said and it is so comforting and reassuring to encounter someone who finally gets it, who knows what it’s like and how it feels. Jackson writes in such a kind and understanding way and I would recommend this to anyone who has experienced a relevant situation.
The main message of the book is that when we are wounded, our protective self seeks to distract and numb us from the pain, seeking external rewards to make us feel worthy. The way to healing is to get in touch with the body, with that tight feeling in your chest, with that sensation of numbness or dull flatness, and focus on that for a while, and let the bad feelings be felt and pass their time. That's the way that we will be able to release them and let go.
I am so grateful to Jackson for writing this book and for his love and compassion and kindness in the way he delivered his message.
I could relate to so much of what Jackson said and it is so comforting and reassuring to encounter someone who finally gets it, who knows what it’s like and how it feels. Jackson writes in such a kind and understanding way and I would recommend this to anyone who has experienced a relevant situation.
The main message of the book is that when we are wounded, our protective self seeks to distract and numb us from the pain, seeking external rewards to make us feel worthy. The way to healing is to get in touch with the body, with that tight feeling in your chest, with that sensation of numbness or dull flatness, and focus on that for a while, and let the bad feelings be felt and pass their time. That's the way that we will be able to release them and let go.
I am so grateful to Jackson for writing this book and for his love and compassion and kindness in the way he delivered his message.
February 8, 2023
4 🌟
I went through a pretty rough breakup a few years back and this book helped me understand some things about it.
I found solace in knowing that the actions of others not necessarily have something to do with me but with their internal struggle. As someone who left a very toxic, manipulative and abusive relationship, knowing that I wasn't at fault in some things that happened really helped me move past it.
This book felt like having a conversation with a therapist or a friend. The writing style is smooth, easy to go through the pages. It is indeed a self-book but it doesn't bore you, it didn't felt repetitive. I also learned how to evaluate my own actions and how these actions could've also impacted my relationship with my ex and others.
The only thing I struggled with was learning that the author didn't have the credentials to talk about this topic only his own previous experience -- not that I am invalidating. It's just important to note this person is not a doctor or a psychologist. Still, I did enjoy the book and I think that, along with therapy from an actual therapist, activities and this book, I truly healed some areas of my life that were affected with the breakup. I learned a lot.
I went through a pretty rough breakup a few years back and this book helped me understand some things about it.
I found solace in knowing that the actions of others not necessarily have something to do with me but with their internal struggle. As someone who left a very toxic, manipulative and abusive relationship, knowing that I wasn't at fault in some things that happened really helped me move past it.
This book felt like having a conversation with a therapist or a friend. The writing style is smooth, easy to go through the pages. It is indeed a self-book but it doesn't bore you, it didn't felt repetitive. I also learned how to evaluate my own actions and how these actions could've also impacted my relationship with my ex and others.
The only thing I struggled with was learning that the author didn't have the credentials to talk about this topic only his own previous experience -- not that I am invalidating. It's just important to note this person is not a doctor or a psychologist. Still, I did enjoy the book and I think that, along with therapy from an actual therapist, activities and this book, I truly healed some areas of my life that were affected with the breakup. I learned a lot.
January 3, 2021
Really one of the best books about recovery from abuse and trauma I’ve read. It puts things into perspective and makes key practices and ideas accessible. If someone is stuck in their emotional recovery process I’d definitely recommend this book.
October 26, 2021
I have very conflicting thoughts about this book.
On the one hand, the way it was able to describe what it is like to date someone with a cluster b personality disorder was mind boggling. I honestly never felt more connected to something in my life than I did while reading the chapter about how horrible it can be to date someone with a cluster b personality disorder. I found quotes throughout the whole book that REALLY stood out to me and spoke to me: descriptions about love, about what goes through your head when you're dealing with all the things that are happening to you, about how hard it is to break the cycle, about the cycle itself, and about trying to heal from these things.
Now here's where it goes downhill. As good as it is with describing these problems, thoughts, and feelings, it fails to actually teach you how to properly heal these traumatic wounds and become "whole again." It over simplifies the process by repeatedly telling you that you just need to meditate and really just sit with your horrible feelings, accept them, accept that its not your fault, and it just goes away and you're whole again after years of doing this.
I don't know about anyone else who has survived a traumatic and abusive relationship, but I already know that it isn't a quick process to heal, and I know that I need to process it. But the way Jackson describes it in this book was not helpful in any way. The last several chapters I constantly found myself disconnecting from what I was reading and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. Then it finally hit me that it really wasn't actually telling me anything useful. It's just like, eventually you have an "ah-ha moment!".
Okay cool.
On the one hand, the way it was able to describe what it is like to date someone with a cluster b personality disorder was mind boggling. I honestly never felt more connected to something in my life than I did while reading the chapter about how horrible it can be to date someone with a cluster b personality disorder. I found quotes throughout the whole book that REALLY stood out to me and spoke to me: descriptions about love, about what goes through your head when you're dealing with all the things that are happening to you, about how hard it is to break the cycle, about the cycle itself, and about trying to heal from these things.
Now here's where it goes downhill. As good as it is with describing these problems, thoughts, and feelings, it fails to actually teach you how to properly heal these traumatic wounds and become "whole again." It over simplifies the process by repeatedly telling you that you just need to meditate and really just sit with your horrible feelings, accept them, accept that its not your fault, and it just goes away and you're whole again after years of doing this.
I don't know about anyone else who has survived a traumatic and abusive relationship, but I already know that it isn't a quick process to heal, and I know that I need to process it. But the way Jackson describes it in this book was not helpful in any way. The last several chapters I constantly found myself disconnecting from what I was reading and I couldn't figure out why for the longest time. Then it finally hit me that it really wasn't actually telling me anything useful. It's just like, eventually you have an "ah-ha moment!".
Okay cool.
September 14, 2020
This book felt like the equivalent of chicken noodle soup. Basically, he applies the principles of mindfulness to healing from abusive relationships. It’s something that I’ve tried before and it never quite clicked, but using the concepts of a protective self and a core wound really sent the message home. I have such a different perspective on how to think about myself and my experiences, and this is the first book on the topic that left me feeling hopeful and excited about the emotional work ahead.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think this book is limited to being useful for only those who have been in a toxic relationship. It’s a great idea for anybody to examine their own thought patterns and it’s useful just for understanding the people around you better. 10000/10 stars!
For what it’s worth, I don’t think this book is limited to being useful for only those who have been in a toxic relationship. It’s a great idea for anybody to examine their own thought patterns and it’s useful just for understanding the people around you better. 10000/10 stars!
January 15, 2019
I read this book in 2-3 days just because I couldn’t put it down and likely will read it again. Very inspiring trip through the recover of the self after abuse. Very relatable and offers hope to those who feel they have none. McKenzie has the pulse of the people who read his work and if these are issues to you, do yourself a favor and read his books. He is wonderful.
August 13, 2025
I was surprised and dismayed to read people with BPD reduced to being called "borderlines." There are several interesting insights, but his recommendations for how to heal are vague and lack adequate justification. The book relies more on his personal experiences than in psychological expertise.
Read
May 7, 2025I do not rate Non-Fiction anymore. I do think it’s important to share my thoughts though.
I was about 28% through when I kept getting the feeling of red flags. 🚩 If you ever had the feeling you know what I mean. I couldn’t put my figure on it, but I started to wonder about the author's credentials and credibility. I then discovered that not only does he have no credentials to be able to offer professional advice, he tragically committed suicide in 2023. The book is called whole again. The author was indeed NOT whole again.
Please be aware of these things going into it.
I was about 28% through when I kept getting the feeling of red flags. 🚩 If you ever had the feeling you know what I mean. I couldn’t put my figure on it, but I started to wonder about the author's credentials and credibility. I then discovered that not only does he have no credentials to be able to offer professional advice, he tragically committed suicide in 2023. The book is called whole again. The author was indeed NOT whole again.
Please be aware of these things going into it.
September 13, 2023
So, I read this two years ago but didn’t get to write a review at the time due to being extremely sick. I still own the book so went back to it for a skim read to remind myself of what’s what. That resulted in me reading it again. It impacted me then as it did now.
As a Survivor of more than one toxic lethal relationship this book really spoke to me. There are many books on this topic but I find they are either badly written memoirs or a load of psychological babble from someone with two degrees who has never been through it.
With clear writing it covers everything you’d need. Outlines on what constitutes a toxic relationship, what defines it? You might be surprised at some things. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, sibling, partner it still does the same damage to your body and mind. Science has proven the dangerous impact on health, mental health and actual brain changes that occur.
One of the few books I’ve read that digs into the fact that the trauma continues for years after the toxic person is out of your life. Sometimes for a lifetime. That PTSD is not just from being in an actual war but this personal war you were in. It talks about how that level of trauma changes you. I know that far too intimately.
If you read this and are still in relationship with a toxic person or persons please run like hell. Please know they won’t change with your love and patience. Your begging and hoping is wasting your life and taking so much away from you. Don’t run, in fact sprint. As far away as you can get.
Along with the harsh realities the book covers ways to start healing, the importance of understanding so you can clearly see for the first time. How you will grieve loss and how to get good help for yourself and how you can feel better. I know that healing can be a long journey, often feeling too long but this book will give you hope and clarity.
Buy this book even if you just think a connection you have is toxic. Buy it if it’s over and you are broken and feel so alone. Buy it for someone who can’t see what is really happening to them as often when we read things instead of being told it sinks in better. I cannot recommend this book highly enough, even if the trauma was a long time ago. Five stars!
Thanks so much for reading my review of this book. Join me as a friend or follower and feel free to browse my shelves for your next great book! I love to connect with other readers.
As a Survivor of more than one toxic lethal relationship this book really spoke to me. There are many books on this topic but I find they are either badly written memoirs or a load of psychological babble from someone with two degrees who has never been through it.
With clear writing it covers everything you’d need. Outlines on what constitutes a toxic relationship, what defines it? You might be surprised at some things. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, sibling, partner it still does the same damage to your body and mind. Science has proven the dangerous impact on health, mental health and actual brain changes that occur.
One of the few books I’ve read that digs into the fact that the trauma continues for years after the toxic person is out of your life. Sometimes for a lifetime. That PTSD is not just from being in an actual war but this personal war you were in. It talks about how that level of trauma changes you. I know that far too intimately.
If you read this and are still in relationship with a toxic person or persons please run like hell. Please know they won’t change with your love and patience. Your begging and hoping is wasting your life and taking so much away from you. Don’t run, in fact sprint. As far away as you can get.
Along with the harsh realities the book covers ways to start healing, the importance of understanding so you can clearly see for the first time. How you will grieve loss and how to get good help for yourself and how you can feel better. I know that healing can be a long journey, often feeling too long but this book will give you hope and clarity.
Buy this book even if you just think a connection you have is toxic. Buy it if it’s over and you are broken and feel so alone. Buy it for someone who can’t see what is really happening to them as often when we read things instead of being told it sinks in better. I cannot recommend this book highly enough, even if the trauma was a long time ago. Five stars!
Thanks so much for reading my review of this book. Join me as a friend or follower and feel free to browse my shelves for your next great book! I love to connect with other readers.
September 3, 2023
Interesting in parts. Some of the portraits were well done. Thesis was unconvincing. "Wholeness" does not mean "happiness" and healing does not mean you have to achieve any particular feeling state. Jackson has had one bad relationship and has built his entire adult life and career off of it. For those who have come from severe lifelong abuse or significant trauma this comes across as patronizing. Okay, kiddo, I'm glad you have a 'light tingling feeling' in your heart again -- truly -- but that is not everyone's goal, does not need to be everyone's goal, and is not the meaning of life. The meaning of life is just living and no one needs to meet your feeling criterion to be 'healed.'
It's not even about my own history. It's just ... ugh. Imagine telling someone who has lost their entire family in an accident, or whose children were killed by an abusive ex, or who watched a parent die at the hands of another parent, that the point of their 'healing journey' should be a 'light tingling feeling' in their hearts or they're wasting their lives. (Which he issues as a blanket proclamation early in the book.) It's just self-absorbed and heartless.
Parts of it are fine, but I rolled my eyes a lot.
It's not even about my own history. It's just ... ugh. Imagine telling someone who has lost their entire family in an accident, or whose children were killed by an abusive ex, or who watched a parent die at the hands of another parent, that the point of their 'healing journey' should be a 'light tingling feeling' in their hearts or they're wasting their lives. (Which he issues as a blanket proclamation early in the book.) It's just self-absorbed and heartless.
Parts of it are fine, but I rolled my eyes a lot.
January 17, 2019
This really isn't a sequel, as much as it goes in an entirely different direction. Some of the sympathy he presents in explaining the behavior of Cluster B abusers was a little disheartening. I know they have issues; however, the people they hurt are scarred too.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 18, 2023
4.5/5
really liked this book! i think it’s a good read for anyone who might need some healing when it comes to relationships or therapists !!
i felt like the key to this book was about the importance of mindfulness and unconditional love. also that the hard work is sitting with your feelings and releasing them.
only thing i would have liked to see was a section for bpd/ narcissists. it talked about healing from dating people like that but i think it would have helped to get some perspective on how those two can heal as well but maybe that’s not the authors intention 🤷🏻♀️
really liked this book! i think it’s a good read for anyone who might need some healing when it comes to relationships or therapists !!
i felt like the key to this book was about the importance of mindfulness and unconditional love. also that the hard work is sitting with your feelings and releasing them.
only thing i would have liked to see was a section for bpd/ narcissists. it talked about healing from dating people like that but i think it would have helped to get some perspective on how those two can heal as well but maybe that’s not the authors intention 🤷🏻♀️
November 5, 2024
The author has zero academic/professional credentials, so take this book entirely with a grain of salt.
May 29, 2025
Underlined so much my pen ran out of ink. There are aspects of this book I found almost frustrating - the idea of "spirituality" for one, coupled with much talk about an internal "unconditional love" that I felt was not fully explained how to reach (though this is probably a unique journey for everyone), but for the most part I found much of its ideas helpful and illuminating. It's interesting to pick up in the middle of a healing journey (I'd like the say I'm farther than the middle, but realistically healing is a job that is never done, and as long as you have begun, you will likely be in the middle for the rest of your life), as it is written as a step-by-step when I found that some parts of the conclusion I have already accepted while other parts at the beginning were brand new to me.
Unfortunately, as the text says, people who are victims of someone with an undiagnosed and untreated Cluster-B personality disorder tend to obsess. If I can understand why this person thinks the way they do, if I can see why they committed their actions, then I can understand what happened to me and begin to heal from it. This book forces you to accept the hard truth - it doesn't matter what happened to you. It doesn't matter why they treated you the way that they did. All that matters now, once you have done the hard part of removing the triggers from your life, is what you internalized from what they did to you, and how you begin to heal that wound.
Ultimately this probably breaks down to a simple statement - "I am reject-able", "I am unworthy of love", "I am bad and wrong." The healing isn't in the opposite of these statements - the healing is in recognizing the falsity. It is not that I am not reject-able, it is that my reject-ability does not define me in any way. Just because I have previously been rejected does not mean I will continue to be rejected, or that I must seek out experiences where I will be accepted. Life means sometimes we will be rejected and sometimes we will be accepted. Reality lives in the nuance.
Another concept that was wildly illuminating for me was that people who have experienced toxic relationships or emotional abuse to an extreme where it can develop into C-PTSD is that instead of feeling their emotions, they think them: "They use the protective tools they learned from their trauma (analysis, judgement, obsession) in order to label the sensations that they cannot feel: 'I do X because of Y, so this feeling must be Z.'" This is something I have done frequently - I tend to over-analyze everything all of the time. Lately I have been working through some things that have led to some bad feelings, and I have tried to intellectualize them, similar to the obsession: if I can understand why I have this feeling, I can fix it. But sometimes, a feeling is a feeling. Sometimes the answer is not to beat the feeling to death, to try and understand exactly which of your problems and issues has caused this feeling to arise, but instead to accept the feeling, and if it is negative or unhelpful, leave it behind. I do not need to feel guilt or shame. Its not helpful to assign the guilt to my Catholic upbringing or desire to make everyone happy all of the time. What is helpful is to feel the guilt, acknowledge its irrationality, and let it go.
For much of my healing journey I have allowed myself to focus on my own faults - I allowed the abuse to happen to me. I had started to forgive myself for this, but my growth had been mostly focused on what I could do to ensure that I was changed, so this would not happen to me again. And this is part of the healing journey - I did (do) need better boundaries, I do have co-dependent tendencies (don't worry, I'm reading that book next). But it is not my fault that someone did not treat me right. It is not a character flaw that I developed such a close relationship with someone who consistently hurt me. It is just something that I experienced. I must let go of the idea that my flaws (or even hers) caused this. The simple truth is hurt people hurt people. All I can do now is heal myself, and ensure this hurt is not further perpetuated. I cannot fix her, or you, or anyone else - the only person who can save you is you.
Ultimately I am very thankful for this text and for Jackson MacKenzie's vulnerability in writing it. I probably would have read it in one sitting if I hadn't stopped in the middle to go purchase another book he recommended within the text. I especially appreciated the acknowledgement that personal relationships beyond parental and romantic partners can cause this kind of damage to a person.
I picked up this book with perfect timeliness. Victims of Cluster-B personalities often harbor a lot of resentment, and find it very hard to forgive. In my relationship with a Cluster-B personality type, I was constantly pitted in competition, and now that it has ended, I still find myself wanting to "win." This is the kind of thing that can send you spiraling - maybe I'm really the problem - and it also posses no real benefit. Sure, sometimes there is a feeling of instant gratification when you learn of them making a misstep, or when you do something that you think would appear as win to them. But that just means you're still playing their game. As MacKenzie writes: "Just because someone claims victory doesn't mean there was a game worth playing. So often, we get stuck in this rut of trying to prove who cares the least, who moved on the fastest, but again this is all based on 'not letting them win.' It is a waste of our time."
Last night, I learned of something relating to my former abuser (a word/concept that has been difficult for me to accept - I had come to terms with being a "victim", but both felt guilty for identifying her as an abuser and felt the term gave her an outsized amount of power. I use it now to simply acknowledge what was reality) that would certainly be categorized in the "loss" column for her. At first I did feel the rush of victory, but then I forced myself to go beyond that feeling, and push to what the real feeling at my core was. Mostly, it was a profound sadness - not that this specific person would do so much to avoid their problems and issues, but that a person in general would be so out-of-touch with themselves that they would make these choices. I realized I don't really want to intellectualize it, and in all honesty, I don't care what happens in her life next, and even more importantly than that, I don't care what she thinks about what happens in mine. Forgiveness is hard, and I'm not sure how long it will take me to find it. But I think I am ready to start to let go.
Unfortunately, as the text says, people who are victims of someone with an undiagnosed and untreated Cluster-B personality disorder tend to obsess. If I can understand why this person thinks the way they do, if I can see why they committed their actions, then I can understand what happened to me and begin to heal from it. This book forces you to accept the hard truth - it doesn't matter what happened to you. It doesn't matter why they treated you the way that they did. All that matters now, once you have done the hard part of removing the triggers from your life, is what you internalized from what they did to you, and how you begin to heal that wound.
Ultimately this probably breaks down to a simple statement - "I am reject-able", "I am unworthy of love", "I am bad and wrong." The healing isn't in the opposite of these statements - the healing is in recognizing the falsity. It is not that I am not reject-able, it is that my reject-ability does not define me in any way. Just because I have previously been rejected does not mean I will continue to be rejected, or that I must seek out experiences where I will be accepted. Life means sometimes we will be rejected and sometimes we will be accepted. Reality lives in the nuance.
Another concept that was wildly illuminating for me was that people who have experienced toxic relationships or emotional abuse to an extreme where it can develop into C-PTSD is that instead of feeling their emotions, they think them: "They use the protective tools they learned from their trauma (analysis, judgement, obsession) in order to label the sensations that they cannot feel: 'I do X because of Y, so this feeling must be Z.'" This is something I have done frequently - I tend to over-analyze everything all of the time. Lately I have been working through some things that have led to some bad feelings, and I have tried to intellectualize them, similar to the obsession: if I can understand why I have this feeling, I can fix it. But sometimes, a feeling is a feeling. Sometimes the answer is not to beat the feeling to death, to try and understand exactly which of your problems and issues has caused this feeling to arise, but instead to accept the feeling, and if it is negative or unhelpful, leave it behind. I do not need to feel guilt or shame. Its not helpful to assign the guilt to my Catholic upbringing or desire to make everyone happy all of the time. What is helpful is to feel the guilt, acknowledge its irrationality, and let it go.
For much of my healing journey I have allowed myself to focus on my own faults - I allowed the abuse to happen to me. I had started to forgive myself for this, but my growth had been mostly focused on what I could do to ensure that I was changed, so this would not happen to me again. And this is part of the healing journey - I did (do) need better boundaries, I do have co-dependent tendencies (don't worry, I'm reading that book next). But it is not my fault that someone did not treat me right. It is not a character flaw that I developed such a close relationship with someone who consistently hurt me. It is just something that I experienced. I must let go of the idea that my flaws (or even hers) caused this. The simple truth is hurt people hurt people. All I can do now is heal myself, and ensure this hurt is not further perpetuated. I cannot fix her, or you, or anyone else - the only person who can save you is you.
Ultimately I am very thankful for this text and for Jackson MacKenzie's vulnerability in writing it. I probably would have read it in one sitting if I hadn't stopped in the middle to go purchase another book he recommended within the text. I especially appreciated the acknowledgement that personal relationships beyond parental and romantic partners can cause this kind of damage to a person.
I picked up this book with perfect timeliness. Victims of Cluster-B personalities often harbor a lot of resentment, and find it very hard to forgive. In my relationship with a Cluster-B personality type, I was constantly pitted in competition, and now that it has ended, I still find myself wanting to "win." This is the kind of thing that can send you spiraling - maybe I'm really the problem - and it also posses no real benefit. Sure, sometimes there is a feeling of instant gratification when you learn of them making a misstep, or when you do something that you think would appear as win to them. But that just means you're still playing their game. As MacKenzie writes: "Just because someone claims victory doesn't mean there was a game worth playing. So often, we get stuck in this rut of trying to prove who cares the least, who moved on the fastest, but again this is all based on 'not letting them win.' It is a waste of our time."
Last night, I learned of something relating to my former abuser (a word/concept that has been difficult for me to accept - I had come to terms with being a "victim", but both felt guilty for identifying her as an abuser and felt the term gave her an outsized amount of power. I use it now to simply acknowledge what was reality) that would certainly be categorized in the "loss" column for her. At first I did feel the rush of victory, but then I forced myself to go beyond that feeling, and push to what the real feeling at my core was. Mostly, it was a profound sadness - not that this specific person would do so much to avoid their problems and issues, but that a person in general would be so out-of-touch with themselves that they would make these choices. I realized I don't really want to intellectualize it, and in all honesty, I don't care what happens in her life next, and even more importantly than that, I don't care what she thinks about what happens in mine. Forgiveness is hard, and I'm not sure how long it will take me to find it. But I think I am ready to start to let go.
June 19, 2021
Jackson MacKenzie's first book, Psychopath Free, transformed my life because it helped me see my abuser for what he was, to identify my own behaviors, and to begin to heal from that toxic relationship. It was healing. He spoke my story in that first book.
Now years later, he touches on the struggle to feel whole again by abuse survivors. It's a long term journey, but he shows that we get stuck with a protective self that actually prevents full healing.
Walking the reader through tools to use, how to identify your protective self, how to deconstructe that protective self, the author leads us to identifying and healing the core wound that has kept us tied to false beliefs about ourselves.
He says more about unconditional love that makes more sense than all my years in faith based communities. This is an excellent read for suffering people to begin moving toward being whole again.
Now years later, he touches on the struggle to feel whole again by abuse survivors. It's a long term journey, but he shows that we get stuck with a protective self that actually prevents full healing.
Walking the reader through tools to use, how to identify your protective self, how to deconstructe that protective self, the author leads us to identifying and healing the core wound that has kept us tied to false beliefs about ourselves.
He says more about unconditional love that makes more sense than all my years in faith based communities. This is an excellent read for suffering people to begin moving toward being whole again.
December 3, 2021
Extremely helpful in terms of providing an understanding and extremely relatable to take to the clusterfucked knot of emotions and gaping void left in my heart after an extremely disheartening relationship. The most helpful aspects were the points on shame, dis-identifying with your “story” and learning to feel and trust emotions again. The tie-ins of anecdotal psychological abuse from cluster b personalities provided useful validation, as did the codependent prospective.
In short, this book validated ones feelings and experience, then works to vanquish the lingering internal feelings of shame/doubt/guilt that linger after a traumatic relationship. Reading this book won’t magically solve your issues, but it will put you or add another stepping stone on your path towards becoming “whole” again.
In short, this book validated ones feelings and experience, then works to vanquish the lingering internal feelings of shame/doubt/guilt that linger after a traumatic relationship. Reading this book won’t magically solve your issues, but it will put you or add another stepping stone on your path towards becoming “whole” again.
February 21, 2025
“that is who you truly are: your spirit. the thing you lost long ago, when it locked away the pain in your body to protect you. by forgiving it for this action, you allow it back home in your body and the reunion is complete. even when you were disconnected, it stayed with you always. waiting for you to find it. banging on the doors of consciousness, maybe even showering you with fear and pain so that you could finally find it again. now all you need to do is let it back inside”. a great read if you have experienced toxic relationships of any kind- romantic, friendship, co-worker, etc. unconditional love towards self can heal all wounds. ♥️
November 23, 2019
When you can’t get rid of that heaviness in your chest
“Toxic shame is equally as untrue and goofy. The problem is that toxic shame is much more sneaky and parasitic than accusations of being a llama. It sneaks into you and hangs on for dear life, tricking you and scaring you, convincing you that it is the “ultimate truth.” It clings on to the old rejection to give itself some semblance of control over preventing the shame from ever happening again. It is the body’s attempt to function in a harsh world where your own love was once rejected and unwanted.”
“Toxic shame is equally as untrue and goofy. The problem is that toxic shame is much more sneaky and parasitic than accusations of being a llama. It sneaks into you and hangs on for dear life, tricking you and scaring you, convincing you that it is the “ultimate truth.” It clings on to the old rejection to give itself some semblance of control over preventing the shame from ever happening again. It is the body’s attempt to function in a harsh world where your own love was once rejected and unwanted.”
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