Finding and Keeping the Love You Want

by Harville Hendrix

Harville Hendrix has become perhaps the leading expert on relationships -- finding and keeping the love in your life. In this transcribed excerpt from his workshop on Finding and Keeping the Love You Want, Hendrix talks about how he came upon what has become his life's work.

"I think that my interest in the subject we’re going to have tonight arises out of that correlation between relationship and frustration. It certainly has been true in my own relationships. I’m in a second marriage now for twelve years, having a first marriage of seventeen years, and I will have to say that when I ended my first marriage, I didn’t know why I was divorcing. I do know that I was in a quandary because at the time I was a professor in a university and was teaching a course, a graduate course, on marriage therapy."


Continue reading the excerpt from "Finding and Keeping the Love You Want"
Harville Hendrix is one of the foremost therapists and authors in the world on the subject of relationships. This presentation explores the role the unconscious plays in choosing a partner and will show you how to avert anguish, stimulate growth, and gain insight to your patterns of attraction and conflict. You will learn to pinpoint unmet childhood needs and replace self-defeating traits with effective skills. Whether you’re in a relationship or are having trouble connecting with the right person, this lecture will show you how to get the love you want!

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., founder and president of The Institute for Relationship Therapy in New York, is a therapist and educator with over 25 years’ experience working with couples. He is the author of the best selling Getting the Love You Want – A Guide for Couples and Keeping the Love You Find – A Guide for Singles.

“I have learned a lot from Harville Hendrix. His work is profoundly insightful.” –Marianne Williamson

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Self Help, Marriage, Audiobook

Audiobook

First published January 1, 1995

About the author

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix is the founder/director of the Imago Institute for Relationship Therapy. He lives in New Jersey and New Mexico.

http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...

Reviews

[Nada | ندى · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books for love and relationship, I love the practical experience, recommend it

[Noor Abu Hassan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good knowledge, and practices. One of the best books you read on relationship.

[Alexandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

A more practical and compact version. All you need is dialogue. Really enjoyed the different stages of stunting that end up together section.

"So we tell [our partner] all the things they are hoping they will not be that anymore. But every time we tell them that they become more that because who wants to be less than that when you've been told that you are that. So what we do is attempt to identify with the descriptions that our partners lay on us and then we do become that and then our partners are sure that we are that because now we have decided to collude with them."

"The discovery of the other is the beginning of love. Love cannot start in a relationship until the person you're in a relationship with has appeared as an absolute other in your consciousness that is no longer an extension of yourself...what we have loved is the extension of the self which we have assumed is identical to the partner."

"Intentionality is a decision to behave in a way that meets your goals....Reactivity...is having a goal and behaving in a way that guarantees that you will not get the outcome that you want."

"Believe yourself absolutely and accept your partner's view as absolute also. Hold onto what you think with all your might and see what your partner's holding onto. That is the beginning of what we call dialogue....the last thing that I've found couples really want and which really connects them after they have validated each other is that they feel that they have been not only heard and their logic seen but their emotions have been felt. That you can imagine how I must feel in my reality."

"Relationship problems cannot be solved. They really require people growing toward each other and growing in such a way that the problem they have they grow out of through the dialogical process."

[Maxine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. I've listened to it once on audible and will be listening to it again, and this time doing ALL the journal exercises and meditations. I listened to it quite a lot while driving, so had to miss out on the meditations, and didn't go back to them on my first reading.

Just finished my second reading of the book. Did all the journalling/meditations. I would love a relationship with someone who gets these processes. Here's hoping he finds me in 2018 :-)

[karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wanted to learn more bout how to

[Josh Dzarir · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finding and Keeping Love by Harville Hendrix brilliantly delves into the uncanny way our potential partners often mirror the very parents with whom we had complexities. What’s revelatory is Hendrix’s assertion that these relationships offer a unique opportunity to confront and heal our childhood issues. More intriguingly, he outlines how these partnerships can serve as a window into what our lives might have been like had we experienced a more complete childhood. This book is a transformative read for anyone willing to face the mirrors of their past in order to build a more fulfilling future.

[Nina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married, I HIGHLY recommend this book. I won’t spoil it for you, but it’ll give you a lot of insight into why and how why you choose to date or marry certain types of people. It is a wonderful resource for couples to strengthen their relationship.

[Salma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful. Thought provoking. Explains why adults choose the partners they choose and what they are really looking for when they do. Explains why people tend to repeat the same patterns in relationships.

[Michael Ramsay · Rating 2 out of 5]

hard to get through as a single person - blames parents for most of your faults

[F · Rating 2 out of 5]

Clichéd, outdated, heteronormative and hard-going, with some useful bits here and there.

[Javier Zoticus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Muy bueno para introspección, entender mejor comportamiento humano, y como aplicarlo en la vida real, con nuestras relaciones. Altamente recomendable.

[Gabriela Kalaf · Rating 3 out of 5]

While there wasn’t a man waiting for me at the end, it was still very interesting.

[Mattila · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fits in part of my reading for something specific (like parenting books). So, not recommended unless you are considering couples counseling, Imagio therapy, or trying to work on your interpersonal skills. If none of those fit you, you should probably ask your significant others (past or present) if they felt you were a perfect partner.

I appreciate the disclosure, but the fact that this author divorced and then married his co-expert in this field was hard for me to stop focusing on. I didn't want to like him, which is fine- the advice is still mostly good. I dislike the whole 'we're all wounded children approach and you only seek in your partner what your parents didn't give you.' In general, I find psychology, therapy, and the mental health field to focused on victimization and issues rather than solutions and growth. I know that's a broad stroke, but this book definitely falls into that camp.

Still, some good pointers and exercises. Basically, just listen. You don't need to agree- just let them know you hear them. Try not to lose your temper. Go do something that brings joy. Something beyond just your hobby or recreation but that causes a belly laugh or an orgasm. I thought that was blunt and interesting. Also, practice your dialogue using something postive- I loved this advice and it was the first time I've encountered it. What a solid idea to associate the skill with something positive firs rather than negative.

Not a fun book, potentially useful. Slighly annoying. Made it to the end and feel I have relearned some good skills. Good intro to what happens in some couples therapy.

[Tarek Omran · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very insightful listen. A must if you want to dive a bit into attraction, then the power struggle between couples and the inevitable loss of that first moment of love!

Many interesting interpretations of our behaviour within intimate relationships and the author makes a solid case to use such hurdles as a motivator to grow into wholeness of oneself.

What a great listen and a nice way to end 2022!

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been listening to audio books on love advice all week. Whoever I date next is so lucky because I will be SO prepared and knowledgeable about how to be the best partner/communicator/conflict manager ever! hahahahaha :-D but maybe?

[Nina · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the book was filled with insights I feel that it many were not properly explained. I was left with more questions than answers. Still, I feel the Author is onto something here.

[Camia Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book taught me about the stages of love and how in intimacy we have sides of ourselves show up that we need to appreciate and work through in order to love fully.