Secrets, Lies, and Shoelaces: A story of hardship and healing

by Caitlin Rother

When I first met Rich Rose, I could see in his eyes that he had secrets. I just had no idea how twisted and deep they were—or that he was a closet alcoholic—until after we were married. As I got to know him, he proved to be a very kind, generous, and ambitious man, with a huge heart that was quick to love. I was drawn to his love for me and his passion for passion. But tying the knot did not help my feelings grow, resolve any of our fears, or fulfill our hopes and dreams of a life together. It only made things worse. Alcohol-fueled conflict drove us into counseling shortly into the marriage, where the therapist privately diagnosed Rich with borderline personality disorder, but made me promise to keep that a secret from him. That is just one of the difficult chapters in my marriage to this troubled man, who took me on a roller coaster ride of self-doubt, crisis management, and constant chaos, 911 calls, suicidal threats, a trip to the psych hospital, and a life-threatening bout of domestic violence. Years later, I’ve managed to learn and heal from this tragic series of events, to achieve a healthy, happy balance in my life, and to apply my insights and experiences to my career as a true crime author. This is yet another type of #Metoo tale, which I hope will be eye-opening for many women—and men as well—underscoring the message that even strong, accomplished women can find ourselves in these crazy-making situations. And how we can—and must—find the strength to leave before it’s too late. I'm grateful for the first reviews of the "Caitlin Rother brings the same unsparing honesty and journalistic integrity that make her meticulously researched true-crime novels intriguingly readable. The story is harrowing (shudder). I think literally every woman will see bits of herself in it." -- Janie Hickock Siess, Colloquium

Genres: True Crime

56 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 21, 2018

About the author

New York Times bestselling author Caitlin Rother has written or co-authored 14 books, ranging from narrative non-fiction crime to mystery and memoir. Her newest book is DEATH ON OCEAN BOULEVARD: Inside the Coronado Mansion Case (April 27, 2021). Her backlist includes HUNTING CHARLES MANSON; SECRETS, LIES, AND SHOELACES; LOVE GONE WRONG; DEAD RECKONING; THEN NO ONE CAN HAVE HER; I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU; NAKED ADDICTION; POISONED LOVE; BODY PARTS; TWISTED TRIANGLE; LOST GIRLS; WHERE HOPE BEGINS and MY LIFE, DELETED. A Pulitzer Prize nominee, Rother worked as an investigative reporter at daily newspapers for 19 years before quitting the news biz in 2006 to write books full-time. Her journalism has been published in Cosmopolitan, the Los Angeles Times, The San Diego Union-Tribune, the Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe and The Daily Beast. She has done more than 200 appearances as a crime commentator on TV, radio and podcasts, ranging from "20/20," "People Magazine Investigates," "Nancy Grace," and "Crime Watch Daily," to shows on HLN, Oxygen Network, Investigation Discovery, C-SPAN, XM Radio and PBS affiliates. She also works as a writing-research-promotions coach and consultant.

Reviews

[John Kowalczyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are men in this world who have a natural ability to charm and dote on a woman in ways no other man has while hiding deeply disabling and self-destructive problems like alcoholism, depression and other forms of mental illness. If they are also able to achieve a level of career success, and some do, they can be all the more alluring. They are outliers, and I honestly don’t know statistically how prevalent they are in our culture, but I know or know of some in my personal life and they are continually present in true crime books (some of which Caitlin has written), TV shows and movies, enough to suspect that virtually any woman could be subjected to their charms and then live to regret it, one disturbing way or another. Women also fit this personality type as well. I know. I married one. It didn’t end well. Caitlin, a smart, grounded, focused, emotionally healthy person whose career depends on careful, rational thought and the clear-eyed awareness to be able to separate the truth from a lie, also fell in love with this type of person. If Caitlin Rother, of all people, can fall in love with this type of man, any woman can. Her story shows how easily and innocently that can happen, and how emotionally difficult, gut-wrenching even, it is to endure and survive, with your sense of self and your self-esteem intact. It also proves that it is possible to move ahead after an experience like that to a happy and fulfilling relationship. It is instructive to those who may be in one of those toxic, dangerous relationships as well as to anyone who might be single and looking for the love of her, or his, life. It took courage for Caitlin to endure the hardship. It may have taken even more courage for her to relive it, write about it and release it to the public. But I think it’s invaluable if it helps only one person survive a toxic relationship or, better still, diverts them from getting into one in the first place.

[Lee Husemann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Caitlin Rother had a great career in journalism in progress when she met Rich Rose. After they met and worked together, they fell in love. Although Ms. Rother had reservations about him and saw red flags, like most women in love, she rationalized them. Once they were married, she discovered his drinking problem and his other demons. This is a very honest, candid account of her attempts to keep her marriage together and to help her husband with his alcoholism and mental health issues. I have been a fan of Caitlin Rother since I first picked up one of her very early books and I enjoyed this very poignant memoir of hers.

[Shelia Dolan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Made me be even more thankful for my husband.

This book is about tragedy and triumph. I am truly sad she had to endure so much heartbreak during her marriage. She proved how strong she truly is by overcoming the heartbreak , and eventually putting her heart out again in pursuit of love. The one thing that I found saddest of all, was she feared for her own safety. I have been married 39 years, and I have never once thought my husband would harm me. May God bless and watch over Caitlin for the rest of her life.

[Lynn Donahue · Rating 5 out of 5]

For someone in the public eye, writing about personal things takes a lot of courage. This story is told in a very straightforward way and although it can and will evoke emotions in you, she does not rely on that in telling her story. There is no "poor me" in this lady but rather you sense her struggle to fix what's broken. After reading her story you will have a new appreciation for her not just as an author but as a woman who has found her way. I follow Caitlin on Facebook and I'm happy to see how far she's come from those very dark days of her past!#ChapterChatterPub

[Tabitha Rohm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whew, it was really hard to read this book. I have often thought about writing my memoir due to the drug abuse and the abusive relationship that I was once in. There were so many similarities. Only difference was, I was contributing to the problem by being an addict also. However, this book was awesome. I read it in one night. It will keep you on the edge of your seat. Domestic violence is explained so well in this book.

[Kim Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Harrowing

Having lived with an alcoholic for 16 years, I can empathize with the idea of marriage vows trumping personal growth and safety. When my husband attempted suicide by alcohol poisoning, I knew it was time to get my daughter and myself out. We always try and minimize the danger. It takes time and strength to recover. I'm glad to read this story of courage.

[Jerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hope and Healing

Thank you Caitlin for writing what I imagine is the hardest book you ever wrote. It shows how domestic violence can occur in any household. I am thankful that has never been a problem for me but I have been affected by alcholism in my immediate and extended family. You have given hope and insight to others who needed it.

[Elisabeth Brookshire · Rating 4 out of 5]

Raw and open

Caitlin Rother is a highly acclaimed writer in the true crime genre but now she has turned the tables and written about her own personal story. It is a short read but well worth it especially if you are interested in learning about domestic violence and substance abuse.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great insight on being with someone with a personality disorder

Caitlin has some amazing insights on dealing with someone with a personality disorder + alcoholism.
I like how she now chooses to be a survivor of domestic violence.
My heart goes out to her and other people who are survivors of domestic violence.

[Heather Charleston · Rating 5 out of 5]

Always a fan of Caitlin Rother

This one hit different. I wasn't even sure the story I was about to read because it just popped up in my suggestions. I always love Caitlins writing style, but this one was so personal, really made you feel for her and even for him. I look forward to the next one!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great insight

A brutally honest and breathtaking story, told with sadness and compassion. Gives a perspective on mental health issues not generally written about. It's a must read book.

[Sarah Beth Breck · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s like shedding my own skin..

[Bobbi Wylezik · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suicide

This was a awesome book! I have to say. When I started to read it it was a flash back to me. My husband was a alcoholic and had schizophrenia. I spent 30 years with him. Of course He didn't have a drinking problem either. His name was rich also so this book really connected with me. He committed suicide 3 months after our divorce. it is still a haunting for me.

[Andrea · Rating 2 out of 5]

It takes courage to share your story. For that reason I liked this short story but would have loved more details on the psychology etc..addiction…