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Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls
"Though anxiety has risen among young people overall, studies confirm that it has skyrocketed in girls. Research finds that the number of girls who said that they often felt nervous, worried, or fearful jumped 55% from 2009 to 2014 while the comparable number for adolescent boys has remained unchanged. As a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with girls, Lisa Damour, Ph.D., has witnessed this rising tide of stress and anxiety in her own research, private practice, and in the all-girls' school where she consults, and knew this had to be the topic of her new book. In the same engaging, anecdotal style and reassuring tone that won over thousands of readers of her first book, Untangled, Damour starts by addressing the facts about psychological pressure. Surprisingly, she explains the underappreciated value of stress and anxiety--that stress can helpfully stretch us beyond our comfort zones and anxiety can play a key role in keeping girls safe. When we emphasize the benefits of stress and anxiety we can help our daughters take them in stride. But no one wants their girl to suffer from emotional overload, so Damour then turns to the many facets of their lives where tension takes their interactions at home, pressures at school, social anxiety among other girls and among boys, and on social media. As readers move through the layers of girls' lives, they'll learn about the critical steps that adults can take to shield their daughters from the toxic pressures to which our culture--including we, as parents--subjects girls. Readers who know Damour from Untangled or the New York Times or from her regular appearances on CBS News will be drawn to this important new contribution to understanding and supporting today's girls"--
260 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 12, 2019
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June 20, 2024
To quote my graduate advisor, "This piece is less magical than [her] first." My 13-year-old daughter and I both appreciated Untangled and took many nuggets from it that have informed our behavior and decisions, large and small.
Parts of Under Pressure feel spot-on to me as a teacher in an all-girls private school much like the one where Damour works, including some of the descriptions in early chapters of student and parent anxiety around tests and friend troubles. And I love Damour's approach to female sexuality, which I will use to re-enforce my position with male peers who half-jokingly say they're going to lock up their teen daughters to protect them from boys' lust ("What about your daughter's own lust?" I always ask.)
Other parts of the book don't resonate with me. The extended section on how girls talk and how we advise them to talk, and on girls' difficulty saying no to activities for fear of hurting feelings did not reflect my experience either as a teacher or a mother. None of it was on my radar, and nothing Damour says made me concerned that it should be.
I was more disappointed in her frankly transactional approach to talking with girls who are stressed about grades, focusing on the math of staying in the A range rather than on the content of what the students are learning and the joy (or lack thereof) in learning it. Her approach as a mother and a psychologist seems only to reinforce the anti-intellectual message that one's numerical average is all-important.
Meanwhile, I fear that the parents I know will read no further than Damour's lamentable confession that she believes kids aiming for the Ivies do need to knock themselves out 30 hours a day or they don't stand a chance. That one passage will undermine everything else she has written.
Finally, the section on racial minorities is a lame addendum that adds no insight or useful advice. Nor does Damour touch at all on socioeconomic stressors, and she is only glancingly interested in non-hetero teens. This is a book very much about an upper-middle class, white, straight, high-powered elite and their daughters who buy into that game. If your child doesn't fit that bill you won't find much here for you.
Even if she has few low-income clients on whose experience to draw, I wish Damour at least addressed some of the strains on financial aid students in a high-powered private school, as I see those students and those strains all the time: the kid who can't afford the class trip, the kid who smiles quietly through lively banter about concerts and ski trips and the newest phone and tries not to show her discomfort, the kid who can't be in the play because public transport home late at night is unsafe, the kid who falls asleep in class because she helps her parents with their night shifts, the many kids who don't run for club president because they know the unwritten rule that club presidents will bring the bulk of goods for a bake sale and they can't afford it. The list goes on and on. These stressors don't appear anywhere in this book. My guess is that however well-meaning, Damour bases her book primarily on her practice and therefore on her experience with a clientele that can pay top dollar. And unfortunately, all that most of that stratum will hear is, "Yes, your daughter needs to drive herself mad in high school if you want her to get to Harvard."
Parts of Under Pressure feel spot-on to me as a teacher in an all-girls private school much like the one where Damour works, including some of the descriptions in early chapters of student and parent anxiety around tests and friend troubles. And I love Damour's approach to female sexuality, which I will use to re-enforce my position with male peers who half-jokingly say they're going to lock up their teen daughters to protect them from boys' lust ("What about your daughter's own lust?" I always ask.)
Other parts of the book don't resonate with me. The extended section on how girls talk and how we advise them to talk, and on girls' difficulty saying no to activities for fear of hurting feelings did not reflect my experience either as a teacher or a mother. None of it was on my radar, and nothing Damour says made me concerned that it should be.
I was more disappointed in her frankly transactional approach to talking with girls who are stressed about grades, focusing on the math of staying in the A range rather than on the content of what the students are learning and the joy (or lack thereof) in learning it. Her approach as a mother and a psychologist seems only to reinforce the anti-intellectual message that one's numerical average is all-important.
Meanwhile, I fear that the parents I know will read no further than Damour's lamentable confession that she believes kids aiming for the Ivies do need to knock themselves out 30 hours a day or they don't stand a chance. That one passage will undermine everything else she has written.
Finally, the section on racial minorities is a lame addendum that adds no insight or useful advice. Nor does Damour touch at all on socioeconomic stressors, and she is only glancingly interested in non-hetero teens. This is a book very much about an upper-middle class, white, straight, high-powered elite and their daughters who buy into that game. If your child doesn't fit that bill you won't find much here for you.
Even if she has few low-income clients on whose experience to draw, I wish Damour at least addressed some of the strains on financial aid students in a high-powered private school, as I see those students and those strains all the time: the kid who can't afford the class trip, the kid who smiles quietly through lively banter about concerts and ski trips and the newest phone and tries not to show her discomfort, the kid who can't be in the play because public transport home late at night is unsafe, the kid who falls asleep in class because she helps her parents with their night shifts, the many kids who don't run for club president because they know the unwritten rule that club presidents will bring the bulk of goods for a bake sale and they can't afford it. The list goes on and on. These stressors don't appear anywhere in this book. My guess is that however well-meaning, Damour bases her book primarily on her practice and therefore on her experience with a clientele that can pay top dollar. And unfortunately, all that most of that stratum will hear is, "Yes, your daughter needs to drive herself mad in high school if you want her to get to Harvard."
April 18, 2024
Under Pressure is a book for parents who want to help their daughters survive the tumult of teendom. Some of it is great. For example, in our age of trigger warnings, safe spaces, and classroom comfort objects, I appreciate the author's assertion that age-appropriate stress, when balanced with sufficient rest and recreation, is actually a good thing that helps us grow. I also loved Damour's approach to helping girls navigate our culture's obsession with physical beauty. (She is not in favor of telling girls that everyone is equally beautiful on the outside. How refreshing, since no one actually believes that, especially not teen girls!) Her advice for helping girls realize what matters most about themselves is spot-on. In general, I found Damour a winsome voice with a knack for drawing girls out of themselves in a gentle and open way. I filed away more than a few techniques, for now and for in three years' time when I have a teen girl in the house myself...
Unsurprisingly, there's a lot of talk about the darn smartphone, and I pretty much agreed with all of it. But, I do have to ask: If it's true that smartphones disrupt girls' sleep, interfere with their interpersonal relationships, expose them to harmful pornography and a barrage of unhelpful images of unattainable female perfection, all while keeping them in state of constant anticipation, why have I never once heard any so-called expert recommend what, to me, seems like the perfect solution:
My teenage students always laugh at me when I insist that I'm going the Nokia route with my own future teens. "Your kids are going to be so lame!" I don't really care. My kids are cool, and they can figure out how to live the good life with a smartphone when they are old enough to buy one for themselves. My hope is that, by then, they will have enough good sense to know when it is taking over their lives and enough willpower to do something about it.
Last thing: I found Damour's advice on female teenage sexuality very inadequate. To Damour, a healthy sex life for a teenage girl = the girl doing what she wants and enjoys in the sexual relationship. Hmm. Last time I checked, what feels good in one particular moment is not always a great litmus test for what promotes long-term well-being and deep-seated satisfaction. That's true for adults! How much more for kids. No offense to teens, but I'm not sure they always know what is good for them. What they want is, frankly, sometimes really stupid. The author is understandably uncomfortable with girls "sexting." But, the skeptical reader asks, what if your teenage daughter says she finds it fulfilling? You'll encourage her to go for it? Yeah, right. Girls need better advice than simply, make sure you are happy in the relationship and getting what you want.
Me, presenting my future sixteen year old with his brand new Nokia:
Unsurprisingly, there's a lot of talk about the darn smartphone, and I pretty much agreed with all of it. But, I do have to ask: If it's true that smartphones disrupt girls' sleep, interfere with their interpersonal relationships, expose them to harmful pornography and a barrage of unhelpful images of unattainable female perfection, all while keeping them in state of constant anticipation, why have I never once heard any so-called expert recommend what, to me, seems like the perfect solution:
My teenage students always laugh at me when I insist that I'm going the Nokia route with my own future teens. "Your kids are going to be so lame!" I don't really care. My kids are cool, and they can figure out how to live the good life with a smartphone when they are old enough to buy one for themselves. My hope is that, by then, they will have enough good sense to know when it is taking over their lives and enough willpower to do something about it.
Last thing: I found Damour's advice on female teenage sexuality very inadequate. To Damour, a healthy sex life for a teenage girl = the girl doing what she wants and enjoys in the sexual relationship. Hmm. Last time I checked, what feels good in one particular moment is not always a great litmus test for what promotes long-term well-being and deep-seated satisfaction. That's true for adults! How much more for kids. No offense to teens, but I'm not sure they always know what is good for them. What they want is, frankly, sometimes really stupid. The author is understandably uncomfortable with girls "sexting." But, the skeptical reader asks, what if your teenage daughter says she finds it fulfilling? You'll encourage her to go for it? Yeah, right. Girls need better advice than simply, make sure you are happy in the relationship and getting what you want.
Me, presenting my future sixteen year old with his brand new Nokia:
August 25, 2019
Really helpful tips for parents of girls--but also parents of boys. I read Untangled by Damour and there is some overlap, but both books have really helped me deal with my daughters' problems when they come up.
October 16, 2019
This book had a lot of really good information and proper perspective regarding stress and anxiety. The main theme being stress and anxiety are actually good for us, help us grow, and alert us that something is not right in our life.
Yet how they play out in every day life can be harmful if we don’t acknowledge the problem and deal with it.
The book takes you through the veins in which girls face stress: at home, school, with girls, boys, in the culture, etc.
The chapter on girls with boys was absolutely terrible. Basically whatever girls want to do sexually, let them as long as they feel good because “they deserve it.” 🙄 That type of thinking creates more stress in so many ways!
I disagreed with some other minor thoughts and philosophies throughout the book. But I am very thankful I read this book and found it helpful on many levels. Dealing with stress and anxiety must always be rooted in Biblical principles which much of what the author said is without her realizing it. 😁
Yet how they play out in every day life can be harmful if we don’t acknowledge the problem and deal with it.
The book takes you through the veins in which girls face stress: at home, school, with girls, boys, in the culture, etc.
The chapter on girls with boys was absolutely terrible. Basically whatever girls want to do sexually, let them as long as they feel good because “they deserve it.” 🙄 That type of thinking creates more stress in so many ways!
I disagreed with some other minor thoughts and philosophies throughout the book. But I am very thankful I read this book and found it helpful on many levels. Dealing with stress and anxiety must always be rooted in Biblical principles which much of what the author said is without her realizing it. 😁
December 28, 2018
**Received review copy from publisher via Goodreads Giveaways.**
4.5 stars. I was pleasantly surprised by Under Pressure. As a middle-school educator, and an adult woman living with anxiety, I recognized many of the patterns Lisa Damour described. (Like, damn Lisa. Stop telling everyone my life.) I even think it's a good companion read to the highly excellent Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.
This is pretty readable for a parenting/education book. At times, it can sound a little "mom-to-mom," but the tone is generally reassuring and avoids platitudes. It is meant to equip parents with language to address low-to-midlevel stress behaviors, such as "catastrophizing." (For high-level behaviors, consult Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.) Girls fret quietly while boys act out, because we've socialized them this way. Internalized worry is creating thorny mental health problems, resulting in peculiar or dramatic behaviors.
As an educator, I also appreciate that Damour acknowledges that prejudice in the classroom is real and causes girls significant distress. Distress affects performance. Children cannot learn while they are afraid, it's neurologically impossible. Girls work extra because they are afraid. In one chapter, she describes how school is designed to be a confidence factory for boys, because they consistently aim for the lowest amount of input for the highest reward. Girls overwork themselves for the same reward, so they start learning incorrect ideas about lots of work equaling a high reward. It's crazy but true.
Recommended for teachers, parents, women living with anxiety, loved ones wanting to help a femme in their life cope with fear.
4.5 stars. I was pleasantly surprised by Under Pressure. As a middle-school educator, and an adult woman living with anxiety, I recognized many of the patterns Lisa Damour described. (Like, damn Lisa. Stop telling everyone my life.) I even think it's a good companion read to the highly excellent Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.
This is pretty readable for a parenting/education book. At times, it can sound a little "mom-to-mom," but the tone is generally reassuring and avoids platitudes. It is meant to equip parents with language to address low-to-midlevel stress behaviors, such as "catastrophizing." (For high-level behaviors, consult Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls.) Girls fret quietly while boys act out, because we've socialized them this way. Internalized worry is creating thorny mental health problems, resulting in peculiar or dramatic behaviors.
As an educator, I also appreciate that Damour acknowledges that prejudice in the classroom is real and causes girls significant distress. Distress affects performance. Children cannot learn while they are afraid, it's neurologically impossible. Girls work extra because they are afraid. In one chapter, she describes how school is designed to be a confidence factory for boys, because they consistently aim for the lowest amount of input for the highest reward. Girls overwork themselves for the same reward, so they start learning incorrect ideas about lots of work equaling a high reward. It's crazy but true.
Recommended for teachers, parents, women living with anxiety, loved ones wanting to help a femme in their life cope with fear.
June 3, 2019
Here are some good takeaways:
-"Pushing ourselves past familiar limits builds our capacities in the same way that runners prepare for marathons by gradually extending the distances at which they train."
-"Why expend energy fighting an immutable reality?" —> "practice acceptance"
-When a student says she's feeling really nervous about a test, say "good! I'm glad you're worried. That's the ideal reaction, because right now you know you're not ready. As soon as you start studying, your nerves will calm down."
-When girls are in crisis mode, reassuring is NOT what to do. Instead, ask them about how they'll HANDLE the situation.
-"Deliberately underscheduling . . . continues to prove itself a reliable strategy for reducing the strain in our lives, and on many days increasing the joy."
-Sleep deprivation is the FIRST problem to be addressed in anxiety.
-Stress at school: if the perception is that stress can be great and helpful, we're able to deal with stressful situations much better.
-"Thanks to 'slavish overpreparation,' . . . hand-wringing students usually get terrific grades. For students who are motivated by fear, this system is exceedingly effective. Until it becomes unsustainable."
-"worrying itself uses up intellectual bandwidth and undermines academic performance."
-Parents: please emphasize long-term life satisfaction over school success!!!
-One particular study "demonstrated that the students who felt their parents were highly critical and emphasized academic and professional achievement over everything else were the most stressed."
-"Pushing ourselves past familiar limits builds our capacities in the same way that runners prepare for marathons by gradually extending the distances at which they train."
-"Why expend energy fighting an immutable reality?" —> "practice acceptance"
-When a student says she's feeling really nervous about a test, say "good! I'm glad you're worried. That's the ideal reaction, because right now you know you're not ready. As soon as you start studying, your nerves will calm down."
-When girls are in crisis mode, reassuring is NOT what to do. Instead, ask them about how they'll HANDLE the situation.
-"Deliberately underscheduling . . . continues to prove itself a reliable strategy for reducing the strain in our lives, and on many days increasing the joy."
-Sleep deprivation is the FIRST problem to be addressed in anxiety.
-Stress at school: if the perception is that stress can be great and helpful, we're able to deal with stressful situations much better.
-"Thanks to 'slavish overpreparation,' . . . hand-wringing students usually get terrific grades. For students who are motivated by fear, this system is exceedingly effective. Until it becomes unsustainable."
-"worrying itself uses up intellectual bandwidth and undermines academic performance."
-Parents: please emphasize long-term life satisfaction over school success!!!
-One particular study "demonstrated that the students who felt their parents were highly critical and emphasized academic and professional achievement over everything else were the most stressed."
December 30, 2019
Our teens, especially girls today, are under way more pressure than we were at that age. People are quick to say girls have "anxiety issues" when it's actually unnecessary pressure put on them at too young of an age. Dr. Damour's expertise in this area as a therapist and school counselor provides us with examples and offers realistic advice to help them overcome some of the things they are facing. I appreciated the fact that she didn't speak down on the behaviors as most parenting books do; instead, she pointed out the benefits of learning how to cope with stress at an early age. I took away many useful nuggets to help my daughter navigate her young adult years. Dr. Damour's perspective on anxiety in young girls is fresh and relatable. This book was more applicable to my 14-15 year old than her last book, Untangled, but I like the way she writes on topics related to young adult girls. (Sadly, I found Untangled after my daughter was past the tween stage.) Highly recommended for parents and others who work with teenage girls.
Thank you to Random House (Ballantine) and Netgalley for the advance copy in exchange for my review.
Thank you to Random House (Ballantine) and Netgalley for the advance copy in exchange for my review.
February 18, 2023
I really enjoyed this author's view on anxiety, she really made me think about it differently. This was a very informative book, especially since my daughter is a teenager.
June 23, 2019
This book is chock-full of calm, practical, doable advice for managing stress. I learned for myself as well as for my children. One big caveat: if you are a fairly conservative Christian as I am, you will not agree with all her advice. But there's so much good stuff here that I'm giving it 4 stars anyway.
March 9, 2019
Nothing earth-shattering. Practical and useful for parents and therapists, but centered around white, cis, straight girls with a few token "diversity" pages at the end. The first 50 pages or so on strategies for approaching conflicts between teen girls are most helpful.
December 2, 2019
Teachers, moms, teenage girls: read this book! Full of helpful strategies and discussions of what our girls experiences are like today. Gave me a lot to think about.
February 5, 2019
Having previously read Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Dr. Lisa D'Amour, when I had the opportunity to read her newest book Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls I knew I needed to do so.
Anyone who has teen girls or is around teen girls on a regular basis will immediately connect with this title. Keep in mind we are not saying that teen boys aren't under pressure but that it is intensified with teen girls. Parents and mentors want to find the right thing to say that will encourage girls and help them as well as teach them how to handle things on their own but too often feel that you are stepping on a land mine. Dr. D'Amour takes parents and other adults under her wing and gently shares what we can say and do that will help teen girls learn to handle situations in a mature, adult way. I really enjoy how D'Amour emphasizes teaching and coaching girls through the thought process and having them take the lead on what to do.
D'Amour brings to the book years of experience in clinical psychology and her role at Laurel School for girls and private psychotherapy. Her experience shines through as she brings numerous examples of specific situations that have come up in her practice. D'Amour does write from a secular perspective and not all readers will agree with everything she writes. However, even when I did not agree with her perspective (ie premarital sex), her discussion of the topic raised issues I had not considered when broaching this topic.
Under Pressure is highly recommended for numerous audiences. Parents need to have a copy handy to reference often. Teachers, youth ministers, and anyone else who works with pre-teens on up will also find this resource very useful. Counselors and therapists who work with teens and parents will also desire to have a copy to loan out to parents. This book and D'Amour's previous title Untangled, also belong in every public library.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received the book Under Pressure from Ballantine via NetGalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.
Anyone who has teen girls or is around teen girls on a regular basis will immediately connect with this title. Keep in mind we are not saying that teen boys aren't under pressure but that it is intensified with teen girls. Parents and mentors want to find the right thing to say that will encourage girls and help them as well as teach them how to handle things on their own but too often feel that you are stepping on a land mine. Dr. D'Amour takes parents and other adults under her wing and gently shares what we can say and do that will help teen girls learn to handle situations in a mature, adult way. I really enjoy how D'Amour emphasizes teaching and coaching girls through the thought process and having them take the lead on what to do.
D'Amour brings to the book years of experience in clinical psychology and her role at Laurel School for girls and private psychotherapy. Her experience shines through as she brings numerous examples of specific situations that have come up in her practice. D'Amour does write from a secular perspective and not all readers will agree with everything she writes. However, even when I did not agree with her perspective (ie premarital sex), her discussion of the topic raised issues I had not considered when broaching this topic.
Under Pressure is highly recommended for numerous audiences. Parents need to have a copy handy to reference often. Teachers, youth ministers, and anyone else who works with pre-teens on up will also find this resource very useful. Counselors and therapists who work with teens and parents will also desire to have a copy to loan out to parents. This book and D'Amour's previous title Untangled, also belong in every public library.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received the book Under Pressure from Ballantine via NetGalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.
November 28, 2023
Dr. Lisa Damour's book Under Pressure has some very helpful advice about guiding girls through their teenage years. She reminds the reader that anxiety is not necessarily bad, as long as it doesn't reach toxic levels. She also reminds us to set a good example in managing minor setbacks with grace. A lot of the insight is specific to teenage girls, but definitely there are some ideas that can apply to anyone.
Also, I really liked her book Untangled. Parenting a teenager can be challenging at times, so I try to absorb some expert advice whenever I can. I like Dr. Damour's tone. She is helpful and kind, and honest about her own flaws.
Also, I really liked her book Untangled. Parenting a teenager can be challenging at times, so I try to absorb some expert advice whenever I can. I like Dr. Damour's tone. She is helpful and kind, and honest about her own flaws.
May 6, 2019
This was a good basic introduction into tween and teen stress and anxiety with anecdotal suggestions on how to help your daughter deal. Nothing too ground breaking but there were definitely some relatable points and a good list of resources in the back of the book.
August 31, 2021
Phenomenal resource - read this book! I was halfway through the audible version (read by the author) when I ordered the hard copy so I can reference this book again and again. I feel so much better equipped to handle both current and future stressors in the lives on my daughters.
September 12, 2020
If you have a daughter, psychotherapist Damour writes the parent manual you never received when they were born. Damour knows girls. In this book, she starts by making the case that stress and anxiety are actually essential to survival, but we must teach young people to manage them better so they don't become toxic and "to help them feel happier, healthier, and more relaxed in the face of the challenges we know will come their way". It is actually harmful to girls to teach them to avoid stress; they become more stressed due to worrying about feeling stressed. Instead, we need to change the message so they realize that stress builds capacity and resilience, just like using muscles, and can "enhance creativity, build relationships, and help people succeed in clutch moments" (139). Each chapter is devoted to a particular relational context: girls at home, at school, with other girls, with boys, in the culture. Girls' online activity is woven throughout each chapter. There are some real gems of advice here I intend to use as a college counselor.
Girls experience a higher level of stress, exhaustion and overwhelm than boys.
They want to please parents and teachers and peers and be accommodating to others. The age of puberty has decreased; "It is now no longer unusual to see a fifth grader sporting an adult woman's body." Hormones affect anxiety disorders. Social media has extensive consequence, not the least of which is the barrage of sexualized images and constant contact with peers. Nevertheless, as adults we must refrain from the tendency "to treat our own sturdy and steady daughters as if they are fragile and reckless."
This is a helpful observation Damour presents: researchers find
"that participating in sports improves how girls feel about their bodies...girls who participated in organized activities, such as team sports, took more pride in the *functional* aspects of their bodies than girls who simply exercised regularly or girls who were sedentary. In other words, structured athletic programs that involve skill building, cooperation and shared goals help girls to take pleasure in what their bodies can accomplish...and that girls who participated in activities that include a heavy emphasis on the physical form, such as dance and gymnastics took LESS pride in what their bodies could do than girls who played sports that focus on speed, strength or skill. This result echoes other research showing that participating in sports with an aesthetic component can actually leave girls feeling worse about their physique" (202 ).
Hence, Damour concludes, if your daughter's choice is between a team sport and ballet, choose team sport!
It's intriguing that the Stanford d-School folks concur with Damour, using different language. There are anchor problems, unsolvable only because of the bias in the way they're framed, often with non-negotiables:
"I have to be accepted to an Ivy League college, rather than I want to be successful in life, which means realizing my potential and working at something that contributes to society and brings me joy"
and gravity problems, which cannot be solved:
"After taking the SAT 3 times, superscored, the total is 1150, or I have not wanted to be involved in after school activities, so I have none to put on my list."
In the case of the gravity problems, acceptance is the most practical and wise response, "fixing what we can and finding a way to live with what remains."
We medicalize far too often. Yes, psychotherapy, mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and medication are all ways of dealing with outsized anxiety, but for ordinary anxiety, and most of it is ordinary anxiety(!), breathing techniques, structuring the day more effectively, ensuring sufficient sleep and a healthy diet can provide considerable relief.
The glitter jar idea is one to adopt. Take a "jar filled with water and a layer of glitter, shake it up: "Right now this is what it's like in your brain. So first, let's settle your glitter" (38) with a walk or a snack or coloring pages, a selection of tea, etc. to get the rational cortex back online. Adults must keep their perspective and not be drawn into the maelstrom. Perhaps refrain from any action for 24 hours and realize that few events are of crisis proportion, teenage emotions notwithstanding.
Teens tend to dump their feelings on their parents, who immediately react. Text messages throughout the day, for example, can be a release for the girl, but the adult can barely carry on due to worry, only to find the girl has already forgotten the issue at the end of the day. What to do? Have her write in a small notebook what she would want to text and at the end of the day, she can share what she wants.
Suniya Luthar found that "teenagers from wealthy families are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and substance abuse than young people raised in lower tax brackets" presumably due to intense achievement pressure (62). Terese Lund and Eric Dearing found that "girls raised in the wealthiest neighborhoods were 2-3 times more likely to report symptoms of anxiety and depression than girls living in middle-income areas." They also feel more constrained about the range of professions to choose and future places to live. The least stressed were kids with wealthy parents who lived in middle class neighborhoods.
In the chapter on Girls among Girls, we learn the more friends, the more drama and some ways of engaging in unhealthy conflict: being a doormat, a doormat with spike (passive-aggressive), or a bulldozer; or choosing to respond with integrity and being a pillar.
In the chapter on Girls among Boys, Damour tells us that boys bully girls more that other girls bully/harass girls. We must empower up-standers to call out bad behavior and avoid shaming the one bullied or harassed as though she were responsible. Sex ed is a minefield. We teach boys so differently from girls. Girls increasingly acquiesce to unwanted sexual activity, as in "Okay, fine, whatever." Instead, Damour urges parents to teach girls only to engage in sexual activity with joyful agreement. "Once you know what you want and what your partner wants, then you can figure out where you enthusiastically agree." (118). There is a dark side, however. Girls tend not to say NO to unwanted sexual activity when they "were worried about hurting a guy's feelings" and when they feared a "hostile response." Although it sounds disempowering, the reality is it may well be wiser to make excuses for not engaging in unwanted activity in order to protect herself than issue "an unadorned no" that could provoke a hostile response.
Damour has no illusions about what it takes to be admitted to one of the most highly selective universities in the chapter on Girls at School. She urges parents to question the goal. What's the point? Plenty of Ivy League university alumni are miserable and plenty of high school graduates lead fulfilling, happy lives. Success is "pursuing well being, not conventional markers of achievement." She does find that many girls engage in "slavish overpreparedness...fear driven, highly uneconomical studying tactics" to quell their anxieties. And girls "develop tons of confidence in their work ethic and none in their talents" (155).
The section on girls' communication styles is tricky. On the one hand, we are told bluntness can backfire and while girls generally have no trouble being "direct, outspoken, and unapologetic," it can hurt them due to cultural norms. This is especially true for Black girls, which Damour doesn't mention, but Monique Morris' book and film Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in Schools does. Venus Evans-Winters says that she would slough off girls' behaviors white middle class teachers would regard as defiant and rageful. Damour says girls should do it anyway and continue to engage in other strategies. That may not work for Black girls... However, regarding appearance woes, Damour has a great deal to say which is interspersed throughout the book. She cites a study that found that 91% of adult American women disliked the shape of their bodies. Why would we expect girls to fare better? Here's a surprise: "African American girls and women report feeling quite a bit better about their appearance than their white, Hispanic, or Asian American counterparts" (200).
I shall recommend this book to parents. Other reviewers have remarked it is mostly relevant to middle to upper class parents, especially Caucasian ones. That is the Damour's milieu; she doesn't work with the disprivileged and doesn't attempt to. I do work with low income youth as well as top quintiles, however, and am confident that most of it is just as relevant to them. Glean from it what is helpful and there will be enough to merit a read.
Girls experience a higher level of stress, exhaustion and overwhelm than boys.
They want to please parents and teachers and peers and be accommodating to others. The age of puberty has decreased; "It is now no longer unusual to see a fifth grader sporting an adult woman's body." Hormones affect anxiety disorders. Social media has extensive consequence, not the least of which is the barrage of sexualized images and constant contact with peers. Nevertheless, as adults we must refrain from the tendency "to treat our own sturdy and steady daughters as if they are fragile and reckless."
This is a helpful observation Damour presents: researchers find
"that participating in sports improves how girls feel about their bodies...girls who participated in organized activities, such as team sports, took more pride in the *functional* aspects of their bodies than girls who simply exercised regularly or girls who were sedentary. In other words, structured athletic programs that involve skill building, cooperation and shared goals help girls to take pleasure in what their bodies can accomplish...and that girls who participated in activities that include a heavy emphasis on the physical form, such as dance and gymnastics took LESS pride in what their bodies could do than girls who played sports that focus on speed, strength or skill. This result echoes other research showing that participating in sports with an aesthetic component can actually leave girls feeling worse about their physique" (202 ).
Hence, Damour concludes, if your daughter's choice is between a team sport and ballet, choose team sport!
It's intriguing that the Stanford d-School folks concur with Damour, using different language. There are anchor problems, unsolvable only because of the bias in the way they're framed, often with non-negotiables:
"I have to be accepted to an Ivy League college, rather than I want to be successful in life, which means realizing my potential and working at something that contributes to society and brings me joy"
and gravity problems, which cannot be solved:
"After taking the SAT 3 times, superscored, the total is 1150, or I have not wanted to be involved in after school activities, so I have none to put on my list."
In the case of the gravity problems, acceptance is the most practical and wise response, "fixing what we can and finding a way to live with what remains."
We medicalize far too often. Yes, psychotherapy, mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and medication are all ways of dealing with outsized anxiety, but for ordinary anxiety, and most of it is ordinary anxiety(!), breathing techniques, structuring the day more effectively, ensuring sufficient sleep and a healthy diet can provide considerable relief.
The glitter jar idea is one to adopt. Take a "jar filled with water and a layer of glitter, shake it up: "Right now this is what it's like in your brain. So first, let's settle your glitter" (38) with a walk or a snack or coloring pages, a selection of tea, etc. to get the rational cortex back online. Adults must keep their perspective and not be drawn into the maelstrom. Perhaps refrain from any action for 24 hours and realize that few events are of crisis proportion, teenage emotions notwithstanding.
Teens tend to dump their feelings on their parents, who immediately react. Text messages throughout the day, for example, can be a release for the girl, but the adult can barely carry on due to worry, only to find the girl has already forgotten the issue at the end of the day. What to do? Have her write in a small notebook what she would want to text and at the end of the day, she can share what she wants.
Suniya Luthar found that "teenagers from wealthy families are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and substance abuse than young people raised in lower tax brackets" presumably due to intense achievement pressure (62). Terese Lund and Eric Dearing found that "girls raised in the wealthiest neighborhoods were 2-3 times more likely to report symptoms of anxiety and depression than girls living in middle-income areas." They also feel more constrained about the range of professions to choose and future places to live. The least stressed were kids with wealthy parents who lived in middle class neighborhoods.
In the chapter on Girls among Girls, we learn the more friends, the more drama and some ways of engaging in unhealthy conflict: being a doormat, a doormat with spike (passive-aggressive), or a bulldozer; or choosing to respond with integrity and being a pillar.
In the chapter on Girls among Boys, Damour tells us that boys bully girls more that other girls bully/harass girls. We must empower up-standers to call out bad behavior and avoid shaming the one bullied or harassed as though she were responsible. Sex ed is a minefield. We teach boys so differently from girls. Girls increasingly acquiesce to unwanted sexual activity, as in "Okay, fine, whatever." Instead, Damour urges parents to teach girls only to engage in sexual activity with joyful agreement. "Once you know what you want and what your partner wants, then you can figure out where you enthusiastically agree." (118). There is a dark side, however. Girls tend not to say NO to unwanted sexual activity when they "were worried about hurting a guy's feelings" and when they feared a "hostile response." Although it sounds disempowering, the reality is it may well be wiser to make excuses for not engaging in unwanted activity in order to protect herself than issue "an unadorned no" that could provoke a hostile response.
Damour has no illusions about what it takes to be admitted to one of the most highly selective universities in the chapter on Girls at School. She urges parents to question the goal. What's the point? Plenty of Ivy League university alumni are miserable and plenty of high school graduates lead fulfilling, happy lives. Success is "pursuing well being, not conventional markers of achievement." She does find that many girls engage in "slavish overpreparedness...fear driven, highly uneconomical studying tactics" to quell their anxieties. And girls "develop tons of confidence in their work ethic and none in their talents" (155).
The section on girls' communication styles is tricky. On the one hand, we are told bluntness can backfire and while girls generally have no trouble being "direct, outspoken, and unapologetic," it can hurt them due to cultural norms. This is especially true for Black girls, which Damour doesn't mention, but Monique Morris' book and film Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in Schools does. Venus Evans-Winters says that she would slough off girls' behaviors white middle class teachers would regard as defiant and rageful. Damour says girls should do it anyway and continue to engage in other strategies. That may not work for Black girls... However, regarding appearance woes, Damour has a great deal to say which is interspersed throughout the book. She cites a study that found that 91% of adult American women disliked the shape of their bodies. Why would we expect girls to fare better? Here's a surprise: "African American girls and women report feeling quite a bit better about their appearance than their white, Hispanic, or Asian American counterparts" (200).
I shall recommend this book to parents. Other reviewers have remarked it is mostly relevant to middle to upper class parents, especially Caucasian ones. That is the Damour's milieu; she doesn't work with the disprivileged and doesn't attempt to. I do work with low income youth as well as top quintiles, however, and am confident that most of it is just as relevant to them. Glean from it what is helpful and there will be enough to merit a read.
October 19, 2022
3.3 stars
There were bits that were helpful and bits that weren't. There were many chapters she put in that felt not related to stress and anxiety in the way a parent picking this up would be looking for. Like there were whole chapters discussing how people perceive the speech of girls and how it's sexist, and while I wholeheartedly agree, I don't think that's particularly helpful to a parent wanting to know how to confront stress and anxiety in their girl. Like, yes, I won't judge her speech patterns, but what do I do when she's worried about school? There are actually great sections on dealing with school stress and I took away a lot from the part discussing how phones give your stressed and anxious daughter an immediate lifeline to a security blanket in you. So when they reach out every time something worries them, it is not as helpful as you think to immediately reply soothing the worries, and it's not helping your daughter learn skills to deal with the issues on her own and having some worry and anxiety is ok, we all have it, and we work through it. Anyway, it was helpful in parts and not in others. Just skim it for what you need for you and your girl.
There were bits that were helpful and bits that weren't. There were many chapters she put in that felt not related to stress and anxiety in the way a parent picking this up would be looking for. Like there were whole chapters discussing how people perceive the speech of girls and how it's sexist, and while I wholeheartedly agree, I don't think that's particularly helpful to a parent wanting to know how to confront stress and anxiety in their girl. Like, yes, I won't judge her speech patterns, but what do I do when she's worried about school? There are actually great sections on dealing with school stress and I took away a lot from the part discussing how phones give your stressed and anxious daughter an immediate lifeline to a security blanket in you. So when they reach out every time something worries them, it is not as helpful as you think to immediately reply soothing the worries, and it's not helping your daughter learn skills to deal with the issues on her own and having some worry and anxiety is ok, we all have it, and we work through it. Anyway, it was helpful in parts and not in others. Just skim it for what you need for you and your girl.
September 8, 2025
4.5 ⭐️ Very interesting read. I work with teenage girls and have for many years now and I feel like this book really helped me understand them as well as myself better. It brought back the very emotional stresses of high school for me and gave wonderful practical advise to help teens deal with it. I thought that the section about girls and how they physically view themselves was particularly eye opening. It made me rethink about how I am raising my own young daughter. Great read for anyone in touch with girls of any age.
March 9, 2024
I really love Damour’s books and enjoyed this one as well. I think she approaches different pressures that girls face (social, academic, sexual, appearance, etc) with thoughtfulness and wisdom pulled from her many years of counseling girls. I really like the specific dialogue examples that she gives. I could definitely see returning to this book closer to when my daughter is a teen.
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March 28, 2021Very helpful scripts for parenting. Accessible and practical. Also helped me think better about my own emotions, anxiety, and conflict 😆
March 16, 2022
Great book for parents of girls. Highly recommend
March 28, 2024
Really important topic and highly surprised that I learned so much from this!!
August 4, 2025
Parenting books are hit or miss for me, but this one was really helpful. It's not guilt-inducing, it's both to the point and fairly engaging, and the specific examples and conversations from her therapy practice are relevant. I'll probably revisit in a few years.
October 3, 2023
Amazing book. Highly recommend for parents of daughters, if you are a daughter, and anyone who works with or has any girls in their life.
Wish I would have read this 4 years ago to help me understand my child's struggles and also some of my own. Excellent examples of how to approach and handle situations. Great, easy to understand explanations for any reader.
Wish I would have read this 4 years ago to help me understand my child's struggles and also some of my own. Excellent examples of how to approach and handle situations. Great, easy to understand explanations for any reader.
October 31, 2023
Outstanding! Dr. Damour is clear-eyed about the realities that girls face. Her recommendations are practical + based on empirical research. Goddamn, I love digging into a Notes section with this much verifiable data.
Highly recommend, even though I told myself I'd stop reading parenting books because so many of them are silly... Not this one. Every page is a treasure.
Highly recommend, even though I told myself I'd stop reading parenting books because so many of them are silly... Not this one. Every page is a treasure.
February 21, 2020
Halfway through my library's copy, I ended up purchasing my own. This book as so helpful! Not only did I find great tips for raising my daughter ( I found some things could also be applied to my son) I also learned a lot about myself! This was such a great book and I highly recommend it!
February 5, 2019
The importance of this book cannot be overstated. Whether you're a parent, grandparent, teacher, or caretaker of a girl, the information contained within the pages of Under Pressure is invaluable. Dr. Damour wrote an engaging book with excellent insight into the workings of young ladies' minds. She provides real-world examples and accessible guidance to assist our girls in managing stress and anxiety. This book couldn't have come at a better time, as I just recently realized what a large percentage of my friends' daughters have mild to severe anxiety. I was glad to not feel alone in this situation, and this book helped to allay my concerns even further. As alarming as this epidemic may seem, I am grateful to Dr. Damour for giving solid suggestions as to how to deal with specific situations.
What made it most relevant is how the reader is informed about what normal/healthy behavior looks like as a gauge by which to measure your own girls' situation. What may seem like abnormal anxiety, may in fact be quite typic.
So, if you're looking for a book with sage advice in dealing with girls' anxiety in this day and age, look no further.
Many thanks to Net Galley and Random House for gifting me with a copy of this eBook in exchange for an honest review. This title will be released on Feb. 12!
https://mamasgottaread.blogspot.com
What made it most relevant is how the reader is informed about what normal/healthy behavior looks like as a gauge by which to measure your own girls' situation. What may seem like abnormal anxiety, may in fact be quite typic.
So, if you're looking for a book with sage advice in dealing with girls' anxiety in this day and age, look no further.
Many thanks to Net Galley and Random House for gifting me with a copy of this eBook in exchange for an honest review. This title will be released on Feb. 12!
https://mamasgottaread.blogspot.com
February 24, 2019
This is a fabulous book and should be required reading for all parents of girls, teachers of girls, youth pastors, counselors, and anyone who works with girls. Lisa Damour does a wonderful job of breaking it down, illustrating her points with real-life examples, and giving practical advice for dealing with anxiety and stress. Damour points out that stress and anxiety can be helpful in certain circumstances, helping us to watch out for danger and to learn to deal with life’s challenges. However today’s pressure cooker of schools, sports, extracurriculars, social challenges, and lots of expectations combine to create unprecedented levels of anxiety and stress in girls. Boys experience plenty of anxiety on their own, but the problem has been shown to be epidemic in girls, who seem to internalize it more. So Damour breaks down the various sources of anxiety, and provides guidance and tips for helping girls get through it. As a teacher and a grandmother of girls, I found it invaluable.
Thanks to Netgalley and Random House/Ballantine for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Thanks to Netgalley and Random House/Ballantine for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
March 21, 2019
Love this author/psychologist. Her premise this book - anxiety and stress in teens isn't always a bad thing. It can be put to good use. It's a "sophisticated warning system".
*A helpful strategy when a teen is feeling anxious about say, bombing the piano recital, play Whats-the-worst-case-scenario.. They can explore their fears and find a solution to what they can do if indeed it's as bad as they thought, they they are less fearful going in.
*There are 3 categories: things we like, things we can handle, things that are a crisis. Young people usually forget about the middle one. Adults need to help them see that isn't true.
* When a teen brings you a crisis: First commiserate: "That stinks." Then empower - "I think this is something you can handle".
Lots of good stories - wish there were more. Would love to have her come speak to groups of girls.
*A helpful strategy when a teen is feeling anxious about say, bombing the piano recital, play Whats-the-worst-case-scenario.. They can explore their fears and find a solution to what they can do if indeed it's as bad as they thought, they they are less fearful going in.
*There are 3 categories: things we like, things we can handle, things that are a crisis. Young people usually forget about the middle one. Adults need to help them see that isn't true.
* When a teen brings you a crisis: First commiserate: "That stinks." Then empower - "I think this is something you can handle".
Lots of good stories - wish there were more. Would love to have her come speak to groups of girls.
March 28, 2019
This is a really good book about anxiety/stress and girls. While it doesn't discuss boys there are definitely some things you can apply to both sexes. If you have a girl anywhere from upper elementary on to their late teens this is a useful book about how to help girls navigate the world and when stress is good and when it is overwhelming our girls. It also gives tips about how to react to them and how to help them.
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