Together: A Memoir of a Marriage and a Medical Mishap

by Judy Goldman

A routine procedure left novelist, memoirist, and poet Judy Goldman's husband paralyzed. Together is her unforgettable account of the struggle to regain their "normal" life and a nuanced portrait of a marriage tested.

When Judy Goldman's husband of almost four decades reads a newspaper ad for an injection to alleviate back pain, the outpatient procedure sounds like the answer to his longtime backaches. But rather than restoring his tennis game, the procedure leaves him paralyzed from the waist down--a phenomenon none of the doctors the family consults can explain. Overnight, Goldman's world is turned upside down. Though she has always thought of herself as the polite, demure wife opposite her strong, brave husband, Goldman finds herself thrown into a new role as his advocate, navigating byzantine hospital policies, demanding and refusing treatments, seeking solutions to help him win back his independence.
Along the way, Goldman flashes back to her memories of their life together. As she tries envision her family's future, she discovers a new, more resilient version of herself. Together is a story of the life we imagine versus the life we lead--an elegant and empathetic meditation on partnership, aging, and, of course, love.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Medical, Health, Biography Memoir, Relationships

288 pages, Hardcover

Published February 12, 2019

About the author

I’m the author of 8 books — 4 memoirs, 2 novels, and 2 collections of poetry My new memoir, The Rest of Our Lives, will be published May 2025. It's on a subject I'm an expert in -- aging! But I want it to be a guide for 40-year-olds, 80-year-olds, and everyone in between!

My recent memoir, Child: A Memoir (University of South Carolina Press), was named a “Must-Read Book in 2022” by Katie Couric Media and was a finalist for the Southern Book Award in Nonfiction..

My memoir,  Together : Memoir of a Marriage and a Medical Mishap , was published in 2019 (Nan A. Talese/Doubleday), and in paperback in 2020 (Anchor Books. Named one of best books of 2019 by Real Simple magazine. Starred review in Library Journal. Order today!

My first memoir, Losing My Sister, was a finalist for both SIBA’s Memoir of the Year and ForeWord Review’s Memoir of the Year. My first novel, The Slow Way Back, was a finalist for SIBA’s Novel of the Year, winner of the Sir Walter Raleigh Fiction Award and the Mary Ruffin Poole Award for First Fiction. My second book of poetry, Wanting To Know the End, won the Gerald Cable Poetry Prize, as well as the top three prizes for a book of poetry by a North Carolinian.

My work has appeared in The Southern Review, Kenyon Review, Gettysburg Review, Ohio Review, Prairie Schooner, Shenandoah, Crazyhorse, Real Simple magazine, and Our State magazine; my book reviews in The Washington Post and The Charlotte Observer; my commentaries on public radio in Chapel Hill and Charlotte. I received the Hobson Award for Distinguished Achievement in Arts and Letters, the Fortner Writer and Community Award for “outstanding generosity to other writers and the larger community,” and the Beverly D. Clark Author Award from Queens University. I live with my husband in Charlotte, NC. We have two married children and four grandchildren.

Reviews

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a magnificent story of love and resilience when the unthinkable happens.

Judy Goldman’s husband, Henry, has his second spinal epidural injection in an attempt to ease his back pain - pain he has from spinal stenosis. As I read this, waves of terror rolled over me, as I have had several similar injections in and around my hypermobile sacroiliac joint, done by a physiatrist, the same kind of specialist who injected Henry Goldman. Luckily, my doctor is extremely skilled and I have never experienced the disaster that followed Henry’s injection, but nonetheless, this story’s beginning struck very close to home for me.

Henry’s doctor gleefully tells him he’s given him, in essence, a massive dose of steroids. Unfortunately, rather than walking out of the office just stinging a little, Henry is paralyzed from the waist down, with many complications to follow.

Judy and Henry Goldman seem like great people, the kind i would love to meet and would likely befriend. They worked hard on their marriage, raised two good kids, and are blessed with grandchildren from whom they derive great joy. The reader learns about their courtship, their life experiences, and their entire family in chapters about their lives before and after injection. And what rings so true is this book is that these are real people. People who love each other.

What happened to Henry is a shonda, as we say in Yiddish - a terrible thing. Not only was the paralysis a terrible thing, the aftermath of rehabilitation and setbacks is shocking. I kept hoping they would sue the injecting doctor, who I think made several serious errors in the procedure and aftercare.

While Judy is careful to not use her book as an opportunity to erupt in rage all over the page, they were, in my opinion, treated very badly by the medical and rehabilitation community in Charlotte, NC. The injecting doctor disappears for six months. When he finally appears on the scene, he writes a letter that gets him off the hook by explaining what he thought happened without taking any responsibility.

Less gifted writers than Judy Goldman would have written about this experience from the perspective of a tragic disaster, but she does not go there. Every word in this outstanding book illustrates the deep love she has for Henry, and her tireless (although without any inkling of martyrdom) dedication to getting the best treatment for her husband.

I loved this book. Judy Goldman is an outstanding writer who took a terrible life experience and shared it with the world with her words. I will long remember this book, and will recommend it to all my friends.

I received this book as an ARC from the publisher and NetGalley.

[Christina Kline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part love story, part medical mystery, TOGETHER explores the rich terrain of a marriage during a period fraught with uncertainty and stress. Ultimately, this memoir is a celebration of what truly matters in life: the power of love, the importance of forgiveness, and the necessity of accepting that some things remain unknowable.

[Darnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read Judy Goldman's latest memoir, Together: A Memoir of a Marriage and a Medical Mishap, before it was accepted for publication, and I knew then what a lot of readers are about to learn: it is brilliant. I have seen George Singleton's wonderful blurb. I agree with him. If you are going to read one memoir, this should be the one. If you are young and in love, if you are older and thinking of assisted living, if you just love a good, well-told story, read this story. This is the recounting of a medical mishap, as the title indicates, but it is also the story of the roles we take on willingly in a relationship, and how those roles change in the blink of an eye, without our consent and without warning. It's a story of how we can find more strength that we imagine we can muster, and it's about how we reinvent ways of loving again and again over the course of a long-term commitment to another human being. I cannot say enough good things about this book, and I cannot say enough good things about what you can learn from vicariously living through this tale with its real-life characters as the narrative unfolds.

[Rhonda Lomazow · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heart wrenching memoir a happy marriage life& suddenly a simple medical procedure goes wrong& their world turns upside down,Judy Goldman shares with us memories of their lives before& now a peek into their decades long marriage & nowcoping with a life they never expected.Thanks to Doubleday edelweiss for advance copy,

[Pam Kelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured this book in two evenings, propelled by Goldman's braided stories of her long marriage to her husband and of a medical screw-up that upended their lives. Goldman's writing is concise and poetic: "One minute you’re complaining that the zinc-based sunscreen you’re supposed to wear in the Caribbean goes on like Elmer’s Glue. The next, you’re Googling paralysis. Everything is okay. Then nothing is." The two stories are equally well-told. This is an excavation of a marriage -- why and how it has worked, which is fascinating. And though Goldman goes out of her way to be fair to the doctor who made the mistake and health care workers who, at various times, were neglectful, I found this a powerful indictment of flaws -- particularly communication flaws -- in our health care system. I highly recommend this book.

[Abigail DeWitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This exquisite memoir will break your heart and restore it in a single sentence; it will make you weep and it will make you laugh out loud. Judy Goldman was a poet before she became a novelist and memoirist and it shows: every sentence is gorgeous and true, a revelation not just of her heart, but of the depth and honesty and courage that is available to each of us when we pay attention to life. This story of a long, rich marriage and of the terrifying "mishap" that occurred during a routine medical procedure is as riveting and moving a story as I've ever read. Goldman and her husband navigated their losses together, staying connected and finding a measure of peace--a measure of humor, even. I could read this book over and over--for the sheer pleasure of it, for what it reveals about how to live fearlessly.

[Kristin Ogburn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written love story of Henry and Judy Goldman (my daughter's good friend Tess's grandparents!). The chapters alternate between wonderful anecdotes about their marriage and the events following the scary medical "mishap" in 2006 that left Henry paralyzed in his legs. I was fortunate to hear the author read from her book in a crowded local bookstore last week (her biggest fan Henry was there too). The book was a quick read and I highly recommend it. If you are from Charlotte, you will especially enjoy the local references such as eating Price's fried chicken or sitting outside with ice cream at Ben & Jerry's in Myers Park.

[Cynthia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very moving, and somewhat mercifully short. To be published February 2019. Very appreciative to Doubleday and Edelweiss for an early copy.

[Hallie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Self-indulgent and lacking the honesty and depth of reflection I thought I'd find. The foundation is there but it seemed half-baked, wedged between old-school, cookie-cutter ideas about marriage (dad works, I have the babies) and middle/upper-crust white folk musings (catch me dead before I go to Cracker Barrel, look at our neurosurgeon and lawyer friends). I could almost hear her shrill outbursts towards whatever minimum-wage CNAs happened to cross her path. Yes, this is an extreme tragedy and the anger reads (understandably) fresh, but it clouds the finer points of the memoir, which should have been highlighted. Yes, medical mistakes are real. Hospital bureaucracy is real. The seemingly small mistakes that happen after the bigger one (a late order of Lovenox, lack of follow-up by the physiatrist) interested me most. Her advocacy was, at points like those, commendable, and these details pointed at a large systemic failure. Regrettably, her reconciliation of her husband's "accident", the physiatrist's lack of accountability, and her kids' (pretty helpful) analysis of her approach to the system is rushed and squeezed into one page. I don't want to reduce her to the angry, demanding patient-wife that medical staff cringe about -- she's not, this is a serious situation!-- but anybody who has ever worked a service position or anything remotely resembling it will feel the familiar, bitter throes of Karen asking for a Manager (or Judy, asking for a Supervisor).

[Page · Rating 5 out of 5]

Judy Goldman's story of how life can change in an instant is essential reading if:

1) You're in a long-term marriage
2) You've ever seriously considered the "in sickness" part of "in sickness and in health"
3) You HAVEN'T considered the "in sickness" part of "in sickness and in health"
4) You're either fed up with, or afraid of, what passes for healthcare in this country
5) You appreciate a good story that's masterfully told
6) You like medical dramas
7) You like love stories
8) You like memoirs
9) You think you'd like a hybrid love story/medical drama/memoir
10) You're human

[Belle · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Marriage. And trauma. They both have a way of introducing us to our most extreme selves. “

“We must scrap the illusion that marrying that one perfect person will end our suffering, bring endless bliss, fix everything. “

Yes, ma’am. Amen.

[Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful memoir that weaves two stories of compromises, reversed expectations, and mortality together. On one level it is about the expectations we have as we enter what we believe will be the perfect marriage and the right solution to a medical problem; on a much deeper level it is about the realities we encounter, in marriage, in our our physical journeys through life, and in our adjustments. This is a story about being together through all, even when we don't like it, but especially because we must. It is a story of commitment and all that word implies. We commit to our lives the moment we are born. Judy Goldman helps us see how to sustain that commitment all the way through.

[Dave · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most beautiful and moving memoirs I have read in a long time. Goldman is unsparingly honest in describing herself, her family, and her marriage. Her writing style is wonderfully descriptive, warm, and engaging.

Goldman weaves together two primary threads: an analysis of her fifty-plus-year marriage and a heartbreaking depiction of her husband's suffering from a "medical mishap" that left him temporarily paralyzed from the waist down. It is these moments of stress and challenge and pain that shape who we are and tell us so much about ourselves, and Goldman has taken diligent notes for decades and has much to report in impressive detail.

The two narrative threads weave together, bit by bit, in alternate chapters, until they meet together at the end of the book in a gorgeous and intimate final scene. Goldman has written a book that inspires me, and I am ever grateful to her for it.

[Laurel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Judy Goldman’s *Together* gracefully interweaves the past and present of a heartbreaking medical mishap and the marriage it challenges.

With large-hearted openness and honesty, Goldman shares the avalanche of stressors that is the modern hospital experience and, more importantly, the tumult within, of memories, fears, regrets, hopes, and, ultimately, love that carries her—and us—to a place of acceptance.

Read this memoir! And be sure to have tissues nearby, because it will move you.

[Lynsley Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Judy weaves a gorgeous tapestry from her marriage. She uses her husband's medical crisis as a means of examining the thick knots that tie a couple together. Judy hooks the reader with a story about her husband's sudden physical fragility. As those events unfold, we peek through windows into the life they have built and shared over decades. I love the way this book reflects on how we inhabit certain personas within our most intimate family relationships.

[Roben]

I found this memoir to be an honest and riveting story of a long and loving marriage. Having experienced similar uncertain and stunning turns in the medical world with my own husband, the telling gave relief from pent up anger and brought me around to peace. Thank you, Judy Goldman.

[linda Baral · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truthfull, humerous, sad and

Excellent use of humor And frustrAtion in a unique situation. Would of liked a more descript ending but reaLity was : who knows what the future and life wIll throw us. Obviously a medicAl error 😣

[Brian · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a very quick read. In this memoir, a man gets a procedure to help take away his back pain but it leaves
him paralyzed. His wife and family have to deal with this horrific event. The book was 50 percent compelling for me; I was intrigued by the medical portions but I felt that the flashbacks were not terribly interesting for me.

[Joe Palmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Judy Goldman tackles the stuff of our nightmares in her recounting of the minor medical procedure gone awry that left her beloved husband, Henry, partially paralyzed. From her initial fury as she’s scribbling out her rage on a hospital room paper towel, to her calm acceptance that this is their new reality, Judy employs wit, introspection, knee slapping humor, righteous indignation, charm, gracious Southern manners and the discerning eye and laser focus of an investigative reporter to recount a harrowing saga that would leave most of us a trembling mess. Using a calamity as her platform, Judy Goldman has written a love story for the ages. I’m a voracious reader, albeit a dawdling one. But once I started reading this book, I couldn’t stop. Beautifully written and artfully executed, this is one book that’ll keep its place in my library.

[Karon Luddy · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took guts, stamina and marvelous literary skills for Judy Goldman to write this full-throttled memoir. Reading this book gave me the opportunity weep, giggle, guffaw and to contemplate the many mysteries of marriage and of life itself. The tenderness and intimacy of this particular marriage overwhelmed me with feelings of love for my own marriage. The first person present tense point of view brought out the immediacy of the pain, suffering and confusion regarding the medical mishap. Judy Goldman might have been called little bird when she was a child, but her grownup author's voice is mighty. The wisdom I gathered from this wonderful memoir is to treasure my treasures.

[Diane McPhail · Rating 5 out of 5]

In clean, spare, evocative prose, Judy Goldman takes the reader to the heart of the kind of misfortune that can change our life in a matter of minutes, the kind of misfortune to which as human beings we are all susceptible simply by living our lives. Goldman's simplicity of approach, her straightforward honesty, and her economy of words remind us on every page that not only are we involved in a highly inspiring story, but that we are in the competent hands of a magnificent writer.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book, read it in about a week (and it only took that long because I was traveling). It's a swift, intense read, though I particularly appreciated the tense story of the paralysis being broken up with lighter chapters on courtship, family, grandchildren, friends. Goldman's deft prose and her amazing sense of humor make for a fine read. I highly recommend this book.

[Susan Crawford · Rating 4 out of 5]

A poignant, heart-wrenching account of a routine procedure gone terribly wrong, Together is an honest portrayal of a long marriage, of the delicate balance between care-taking and role-reversal, between love and anger, hope and disappointment. A spellbinding look at the chiseling out of two unlikely and unwitting heroes. Loved it!

[Geraldine Mungin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written memoir. Judy Goldman's marriage was not perfect but it was beautiful. It made me take stock of my 40 year marriage, looking for ways I could have done it better. This book will stay with me because it was brutally honest and told the story of a relationship and what happens when, because of a medical mishap, the tables are turned and roles are reversed.

[Candy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a reminder of how quickly life can change and how important it is to have the love and support of friends and family. Goldman is very honest about the stress of caregiving.

[Jane Shuman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a subject that could be depressing, but I found it written with some humor. Her memories are interwoven into the present. Fast read. Made me grateful for everyday.

[Kristen Mcknight · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a relatively easy read, yet with some serious and personal reflections by the author.
The true story is a good reminder to not take health and relationships for granted.

[BOOKLOVER EB · Rating 4 out of 5]

Henry (an optometrist) and Judy Goldman (a poet and novelist), live in Charlotte, North Carolina. Because Henry suffered for years from debilitating back pain, in 2006, he visited a doctor who gave him two epidural injections of steroids and an anesthetic to help alleviate his discomfort. He was supposed to go home the same day. Instead, Henry developed alarming symptoms—numbness, then paralysis. One day, Henry was functioning, and the next, he was unable to perform routine tasks by himself. This was the start of a torturous journey for both of them. Judy wrote everything down as it occurred, hoping that having the facts at hand would be of help going forward. In her memoir "Together," Goldman describes how this "medical mishap" changed their lives.

Interspersed with Judy's account of Henry's ordeal are flashbacks to earlier times. We meet the pair when they were dating, newlyweds, proud parents and, eventually, doting grandparents. They expected that, after retirement, they would have time to take lovely vacations and enjoy leisurely visits with their children and grandchildren. They did not anticipate having to cope with a chronic condition that would rob Henry of his independence and thrust Judy into the role of caregiver and patient advocate.

"Together" is a heartfelt and sobering work of non-fiction that teaches us to take nothing for granted. Even routine procedures can have unanticipated consequences. Judy and Henry's experiences illustrate that, while there are many compassionate and capable doctors and nurses who do fine work, some practitioners are too exhausted, irritable, and/or unskilled to provide top-quality care. Judy had to be patient and emotionally and physically resilient to deal with the challenges that she and Henry faced. Although it wasn't easy, the Goldmans remained united in their determination to carry on as normally as possible. This memoir is a lyrical, intimate, touching, and ultimately hopeful look at the evolution of a marriage. After everything that they endured, Judy and Henry still feel lucky to have one another.

[Gilda Syverson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Right from the beginning, I could not put Together down. Each chapter leads into the next, once Judy Goldman’s husband Henry has fallen into a paralysis from a medical mishap. I was riveted between the medical experiences and then every other chapter of how Judy and Henry met, their marriage, their grown children, the weaving back to what procedure or hospitalization or medical trial they were continually up against. The chapters are short and tight and even though natural breaks were there for me, I kept reading. The anxiety of what a spouse or families can go through moved me quickly into the story appreciating Judy’s appealing writing style—the language, words, metaphors, willingness to be so honest about herself, her feelings, this new life experience. Together is a must read. Marriage and medical mishaps—what a powerful juxtaposition Judy Goldman presents us with and leads us through.

[Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's funny how I found this book. About a year ago I found a few book ideas I should read according to my astrological sign. I finally found it on audio. Even though I knew nothing about these people, I quite enjoyed it. Had some great life advice in it!