Attachment and the Defence Against Intimacy: Understanding and Working with Avoidant Attachment, Self-Hatred, and Shame

by Linda Cundy

This book combines attachment theory and research with clinical experience to provide practitioners with tools for engaging with individuals who are indifferent, avoidant, highly defensive, and who struggle to make and maintain intimate connections with others. Composed of four papers presented at a Wimbledon Guild conference in 2017, this text examines the origins of avoidant attachment patterns in early life, describes research tools that offer a more refined understanding of this insecure attachment pattern, explores the internal object worlds of "dismissing" adults, and considers the impact on couple relationships when one or both partners avoid intimacy or dependency. Each chapter contains case studies with children and families, adolescents, adults and couples that acknowledge the challenges of engaging with these "shut down" individuals, with authors sharing what they have learned from their patients about what is needed for effective psychotherapy. It is an accessible book full of clinical richness and insight and will be invaluable to practitioners who are interested in deepening their understanding and clinical skills from an attachment perspective.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships

114 pages, Paperback

Published August 29, 2018

Reviews

[Atiyeh · Rating 4 out of 5]

What the book does well

Deep, clinically informed exploration of avoidant attachment — The book offers a rich synthesis of attachment theory, empirical research, and real‑world clinical work. It maps how early emotional neglect or dismissive caregiving can lead to a “defense against intimacy,” where individuals suppress their needs for closeness and learn to cope via self‑reliance and detachment.

Examines “silent suffering” & inner worlds — Rather than focusing only on obvious trauma, the book considers what doesn’t happen (lack of emotional attunement, empathy, nurturing) and how that shapes inner object worlds and self‑perception. It shows how avoidant people may outwardly seem composed yet inwardly struggle with shame, self‑criticism, self‑hatred — often feeling fundamentally “not good enough” or undeserving of intimacy or affection.

Case studies across lifespan and relationships — There are examples ranging from children through adulthood and couples therapy, helping readers see how avoidant attachment can manifest differently across life stages and relationships.

Helpful for therapists and thoughtful readers — While clinical, the book remains accessible enough that non‑professionals interested in psychology, self‑understanding, or relationship dynamics can get meaningful insight. Many readers appreciate its nuanced, empathetic lens.

Challenges stigma around “just doesn’t reach out” people — By avoidance not as “coldness” or “lack of love” but as a protective adaptation — a defense built to survive early emotional wounds — the book fosters compassion. It helps normalize avoidant attachment as a painful survival strategy rather than willful cruelty.

Some people report that reading it helped them reposition painful experiences — not as personal failures or moral flaws, but as outcomes of relational history. For example, in community discussions:

“This book helped me make sense of things … I was able to understand more of his behaviors through new eyes of compassion.”
Reddit

And as another reader commented:

“It may overwhelm … but it gives a much more nuanced, complex, and non‑judgmental way of understanding … instead of harsh static statements.”
Reddit

What the book might feel like — Limitations or Challenges

Not a “quick self‑help” guide — Several readers and therapists note that the book is written more for a professional or semi-informed audience rather than casual self‑help seekers.

One reviewer described it as “dense” and likely overwhelming for someone new to these ideas.
Reddit

Limited direct prescriptions or “fixes” — The book spends more time exploring and understanding avoidant attachment and internal defenses than giving step-by-step instructions for healing. As one review put it: the author “doesn’t give a solution, just shows what it looks like in therapy.”

For readers seeking concrete strategies to change behavior or repair intimacy, the book may feel more diagnostic than prescriptive.

Can be painful or triggering emotionally — Because the work digs deeply into shame, self‑hatred, suppressed emotional needs and childhood neglect (including sometimes subtle or invisible neglect), reading it can stir difficult feelings. Some readers noted it was “hard to read on some level” but also “necessary introspection.”

Complex psychological/psychoanalytic language — The book sometimes uses psychoanalytic or technical language (defences, internal object worlds, dismissing states of mind), which might feel abstract or difficult without psychology background. Several reviews mention feeling that certain chapters or theories are “arcane” or require patience.

Who This Book Is Best For

Therapists, counselors, or mental‑health professionals — If you are a clinician or studying therapy/psychology, the book’s clinical richness, case studies, and theory‑to‑practice orientation provide valuable insight into avoidant attachment and how to work with clients with such defenses.

People seeking deeper understanding of relational patterns, shame, and self‑criticism — If you suspect either in yourself or in someone close to you a pattern of emotional avoidance, detachment, distance — this book helps frame these not as mere “coldness” but as protective strategies rooted in past neglect.

Those prepared for some emotional excavation — The book is not light reading; it requires openness to reflect on early experiences, emotional avoidance, and internalized shame. For readers willing to sit with discomfort, it can be illuminating and potentially healing.

Anyone curious about how attachment — or lack of attunement — shapes adult relationships and intimacy defenses — Even if you're not “avoidant,” understanding these dynamics helps with empathy, self-awareness, and relational understanding.

My Verdict

“Attachment and the Defence Against Intimacy” is a powerful, thoughtful, and compassionate exploration of avoidant attachment, shame, and self‑hatred — both as lived experience and as clinical challenge. It offers a rare, non-judgmental, and psychologically informed look at emotional avoidance — a subject too often mislabeled as indifference or ego strength. For readers ready to confront uncomfortable truths about early emotional neglect, inner self‑criticism, or relational distance, this book can shed light and foster understanding.

That said — it is not a light self-help book, and readers hoping for quick fixes or simple advice may find it unsatisfying. Its strength lies in insight and comprehension, rather than prescriptions. In short: a valuable book for deeper work, emotional awareness, and (for some) the beginning of healing.

[peepo · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little repetitive at some points.

But overall, there’s a lot of useful information in this book to give a deeper understanding towards people with avoidant tendencies in their insecure attachment style.

I enjoyed the several examples used and the very specific details regarding avoidant clients’ relationships with their therapist, along with the difficulties that can appear during treatment.

[شایسته]

من ترجمه کتابو خوندم از انتشارات کتاب‌سرای نیک که توی گودریدز نیست. این‌که تا حد خوبی به مثال‌هایی از آدمایی می‌پرداخت که دچار بودن به دل‌بستگی اجتنابی و کمتر کلی‌گویی می‌کرد رو دوست داشتم. توی روایت‌های فردی و شخصی آدم راحت‌تر و با وضوح بیشتری می‌تونه خودش رو بیابه.
من روشن نشدم البته درباره کل موضوع با خوندن کتاب. آورده‌ش بیشتر برام این بود که احساسات/ رفتارهایی که در خودم طبیعی میافتمشون رو حالا می‌تونم از چشم‌انداز "اجتناب" ببینم. که خب همین به اندازه کافی برام ارزشمند بود.

[Andrej Zacharenkov · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fairly decent information about the avoidant attachment style, although written with therapists in mind as the book audience, it is well versed for a curious human being. Quite helpful if you had/have some sort of relation with an avoidant and are unsure of why they sometimes behave certain ways (and won't always open up about their behaviour choices). It is a bit emotional as well, as it delves into potential conflicting emotions avoidants may be going through, which can be difficult to read if you have avoidants in your life who you care about, and may not be aware of their internal feelings.

[V · Rating 4 out of 5]

Feels needlessly drawn out in parts, page count is misleading, feels like half of it is references(I'm not complaining about the references themselves, but why pad the book?)

Some concepts seem arcane and out of date (focus on ego superego id for instance)

But the good in this heavily outweighs the bad, would rate it 5 stars for the last chapters regarding practical application.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed reading as part of multiple books on avoidant attachment style. It was hard to read on some level because going back to past experiences as a kid was difficult for me, but it was a necessary introspection to fully understand the meaning of the book.

[Sophia Graham · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful closing chapter, but otherwise pretty mediocre.

[Liriope · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent work on the Avoidant attachment style in attachment theory.

[Elyse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nuanced analyses

I appreciate the deep and nuanced analyses presented in this book of avoidant attachment dynamics, and the honest commentary regarding therapists’ struggles with avoidant clients.