Tranquility Parenting: A Guide to Staying Calm, Mindful, and Engaged

by Brittany B Polat

Parenting is stressful. For many parents, who are always busy, usually tired, and probably not trained in dealing with children, the words “tranquility” and “parenting” do not go together. Don’t you just wish there was some technique out there that could help you become calm, content, and confident parent? Something that you could have on hand all the time to help you through your most challenging situations and stressful days?

Well, there is something, and it comes from a wisdom tradition that has been helping people through difficult situations for about 2300 years. The psychological techniques developed by ancient Stoics have recently been rediscovered, and Stoicism is enjoying a renaissance among people from all walks of life who are looking for fulfillment, tranquility, and yes, the meaning of life. Modern Stoicism has straightforward answers to all these questions, as well as practical techniques for achieving eudaimonia (the Greek word for “human flourishing”). Stoicism encourages everyone to think things through for themselves and use their own capacity for reason and goodness. And once you learn the basic principles of Stoicism, you can apply them all the time, in any situation.

Tranquility Parenting describes how Brittany Polat discovered modern Stoicism and what it can offer to stressed-out parents of the 21st century. As a mother of three young children, Polat used to constantly doubt her parenting abilities. She felt anxious, frustrated, and guilty about her perceived failings as a parent. Now, as a practicing Stoic, she gained the confidence and calm she was craving and has more energy to be fully engaged and happy with them.

What will this book do for you? It will not tell you how to potty train your child, but it will tell you how to enjoy the time you spend potty training your child. It will not tell you how to monitor your teen on social media, but it will show you how to use practical wisdom to make decisions about media consumption. It will not tell you how to make your kids eat vegetables, but it will explain how to be present and engaged while you are teaching your kids to eat vegetables. So if you are willing to invest time and energy in applying Stoic insights, you may find that tranquility parenting is not only possible, but truly the best option for you and your family.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

184 pages, Hardcover

Published March 15, 2019

Reviews

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book applies the ancient philosophy of Stoicism to parenting and modern life. I had never really heard of Stoicism before (except in the sense that a person who doesn't show emotions is referred to as a stoic person - not entirely correctly in relation to the actual philosophy). In some ways, the way I try to parent fits very well in this philosophy already (teach, don't punish; you can't control someone else, only influence them), so I was pleased on reading this to find a resource for developing that more. I definitely do lose my temper when I shouldn't, and having this actual philosophy/guide as a basis of determining how to deal with more difficult situations is hopefully going to be a plus. One thing the book stresses is to determine your core beliefs and your parenting beliefs. If you act in accordance with them at all times (whatever they may be), you shouldn't feel guilty or worry that you are a bad parent, etc. I feel already that I am pretty confident in my parenting beliefs and TRY to act accordingly, so maybe I have less work to do in that aspect, but again, I feel like some of the discussion here could help me stay focused on that when things are more difficult. Hopefully it could help me in situations outside of parenting too, and it was somewhat helpful during a really difficult time recently. Another point in favor of this for me is that it emphasizes realistic expectations over pessimism/optimism: expecting problems to occur and not being shocked when it happens but also not dwelling on the trouble it will cause, just being prepared for problems. That's something that is already important to me, so every little thing that already felt like it was saying, "You're doing things right" made me like this philosophy more! 4.5 stars rounded to 4, but I guess we will see over time how it holds up for me personally and maybe it will end up as a 5. I think it's the kind of thing I'd keep needing to refresh myself on as even taking a break of two days from the book made me less and less inclined to practice the thought processes or whatever (and picking it back up after a week or so off wallowing in self pity during the above mentioned difficult time actually helped refocus some of my energy), but maybe over time it becomes second nature.

[Ellen Francis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was this book written for me?! Whilst the world does not need any more books on how to be a good parent it does need more on how to apply Stoic philosophy to every day life. And I have been thinking as I’ve been getting into Stoicism, this is all very well Marcus Aurelius, but what if the person winding you up is someone you cannot walk away from and is needling you 24/7 and for whom you are responsible ie your child?! How do I actually apply this thinking to the biggest challenge in my life, being a Mum? I didn’t find the author’s catchphrase (think clearly, act wisely, deal with indifferents) particularly catchy or elucidating; I wonder whether non-stoics would find this all rather baffling or overwhelming if it’s their first exposure; and I wonder whether some of the advice is really stoic or just reasonable parenting techniques. But what I did find incredibly useful is the day to day real examples the author gives of how she applies the philosophy in her own parenting. And there are some absolutely game-changing bits of advice here. My favourite is the di(or rather tri)chotomy of control for parents- realising that you do not control your child, only influence them and they are their own person with their own reasons so you have to give them reasons to agree with you. Many other useful techniques too, like zooming out and internalising the goals (which are familiar to Stoics but the author shows how to apply as a parent). I will probably re-read trying to really digest the bits I found useful.

[Agnar Holst · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nice introduction to Stoicism through the lens of parenting. Polat does a great job of explaining the basics of Stoicism and how to apply it to parenting without getting bogged down in the complexities of philosophy. She focuses on the dichotomy of control and the four virtues, distilling Stoic principles into a three-step formula that she applies to a wide range of parenting challenges—from handling temper tantrums to getting kids to wear seatbelts or stop fighting with each other.

1. Thinking Clearly
2. Acting Wisely
3. Dealing with Indifferents

No matter the situation Polat goes through these three steps to deal with the problem. It's kind of nice how simple it is, making it easy to implement in everyday life with out much prior knowledge of Stoicism. That said, I found the book quite introductory—and I felt that there was much more to be said about being a Stoic parent, and if I would have rated the book on what I wanted it to be, it would probably be a 3 star-book. However, I chose to read this book as a springboard to practising Stoic philosophy, and in that regard, it serves its purpose well. Polat seems to have been writing it that way, aiming to keep it approachable for a general audience while still encouraging further exploration. She consistently cites her sources at the end of each chapter, refering the classical Stoic texts. Overall, a nice read that shows how a mother improved her own life as well as her childrens by using ancient philosophy in the 21st-century.

[Maria Salinas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is wonderful! It’s helping me a lot to stay calm when dealing with difficulties as a parent.
It’s full of practical techniques to deal with parenting challenges from a Stoic perspective.

One of the strategies I'm applying is the morning reflection for tranquility parenting. I think of a challenge a might face with my children that day and reflect on how I can address it using the techniques detailed in the book.

I really appreciate to have this kind of ressources and I strongly recommend this book to any parent for a happier, healthier and more Stoic parenting.

[Sarah]

I read this book partially for myself as a parent and partially because it seemed like it would be a good fit in my public library's collection (as both parenting books and books about mindfulness and similar topics are popular here). Unfortunately, it feels too heavy on philosophy to be the kind of book our patrons enjoy, and I admit I felt the same way.

I received an ARC from NetGalley.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book prior to having children. Take time and think about who you are and the parent you want to be. There are some very good ideas hidden among the long text but worth the read.

[Vicki Garlick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely fantastic book that I read often to refresh myself. Comforting and non-patronising, Brittany details all the things I want to be as a parent but can often forget when stressed or tired.

[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF

[Amanda Kristofik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Would be good to read again once Lukas is a bit older (in school)