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The Four Noble Truths of Love: Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships
"Susan Piver consistently offers what so many of us A generous, caring, loving teacher, someone with an open heart and a clear mind, eager to help us find our own way forward." --Seth Godin, author of Linchpin. Broken hearts, resentment, affairs, divorce. Why is it so hard to make relationships work? New York Times bestselling author and mindfulness expert Susan Piver applies classic Buddhist wisdom to modern romance, including her own long-term relationship, to show that ancient philosophies have timeless—and unexpected—wisdom on how to love. The Four Noble Truths of Love will challenge the expectations you have about dating, sex, and romance, liberating you from the habits, traumas, and expectations that have been holding back your relationships. This mindful approach toward love will help you open your heart fearlessly, deepen communications with your partner, increase your compassion and resilience, and lead you toward a path of true happiness. You have nothing to lose and everything to expansive, real love for yourself and others. * * * * * * * Susan Piver is the New York Times bestselling author of nine books, including the award-winning "How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life", "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart", and "Start Here An Open-Hearted Guide to the Path and Practice of Meditation". Her new book is "The Four Noble Truths of Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships" (June 2018). Piver has been a practicing Buddhist since 1995 and graduated from a Buddhist seminary in 2004. She is an internationally acclaimed meditation teacher, known for her ability to translate ancient practices into modern life. Her work has been featured on the Oprah show, TODAY, CNN, and in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, MONEY, and others. In 2011, she launched the Open Heart Project, the largest virtual mindfulness community in the world. For more information, visit susanpiver.com. * * * * * * * “Susan Piver brings together decades of wisdom and experience from both her Buddhist practice and her relationships. This book is direct, insightful and honest to its core. Using the lens of the Buddha’s noble truths and the path of liberation, Susan presents a practical roadmap that can be accessed by anyone. I don’t think a book quite like this has been written before. She is definitely a wise guide on what it truly means to love altogether and how compassion and insight can be mined from the ups and downs of everyday life and every connection. Susan presents the biggest view possible on what love can be—it’s quite an invitation.” Josh Baran, author of The Tao of Daily Wisdom from Mystics, Sages, Poets, and Saints “The Four Noble Truths of Love is like the book baby of the Buddha and Oprah Winfrey. It pulls no punches in the best of ways. Chock-full of relationship a-ha moments, it made me reflect not just on my marriage and how to keep deepening into it, but also on every loving relationship in my life. This wisdom may be thousands of years old, but Piver’s ability to convey it with grace, humor, humility, and profound relevance to modern life is a true gift. Get it, read it, live it!” Jonathan Fields, founder of Good Life Project “Susan Piver consistently offers what so many of us A generous, caring, loving teacher, someone with an open heart and a clear mind, eager to help us find our own way forward.
196 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 25, 2019
292 people are currently reading
3280 people want to read
About the author
Susan Piver
41 books187 followersSusan Piver is the New York Times bestselling author of many books, including the award-winning "How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life", "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart", "Start Here Now: An Open-Hearted Guide to the Path and Practice of Meditation", and "The Four Noble Truths of Love: Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships".
Piver has been a practicing Buddhist since 1993 and graduated from a Buddhist seminary in 2004. She is an internationally acclaimed meditation teacher, known for her ability to translate ancient practices into modern life. Her work has been featured on the Oprah show, TODAY, CNN, and in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and others.
In 2013, she launched the Open Heart Project, the largest virtual mindfulness community in the world with 20,000 members.
Piver has been a practicing Buddhist since 1993 and graduated from a Buddhist seminary in 2004. She is an internationally acclaimed meditation teacher, known for her ability to translate ancient practices into modern life. Her work has been featured on the Oprah show, TODAY, CNN, and in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and others.
In 2013, she launched the Open Heart Project, the largest virtual mindfulness community in the world with 20,000 members.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
June 14, 2018
This book has the power to change the conversation around love as we know it. It is not about inaccessible theories. It is not about how to find perfection and get it all right. Instead, what Susan offers is a living, breathing account of real love - what it is and what it isn't. Through the lens of both the Buddhist Four Noble Truths and her own experience in a 20-year marriage, Susan skilfully interlaces the book with wisdom, knowledge, personal anecdotes, humour, and helpful practices that will (quite literally) change how you "do" love. For me, the Four Noble Truths of Love has left me viewing my long-term partnership in a totally new way. For the first time, I feel like I've been given permission to relax into the discomfort instead of trying to "fix" it and see it as wrong. That's not to say the work is done; it is more that Susan has provided alternative (and more productive) ways of where effort needs to be expended. And for that I am eternally grateful. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.
July 10, 2018
Read this. Buy it and read it and then give it to your friends.
September 16, 2019
Absolutely loved this book, and being new to this ‘love’ game, I feel armed with some truly ‘adult’ tools to go into a relationship with open eyes, and a much more ‘open’ and willing heart than ‘modern romance’ has taught us to bring to the table. Mostly, I was deeply moved and inspired by the understanding that love isn’t an end-goal, but rather a call to action. And a choice we make, every single day, regardless of the ‘current state of the weather’. This was a library book but I’ve already ordered my very own copy, and will certainly be referring to it again and sharing it with my future beloved. Funny, enlightening and entirely relatable, this really ought to be handed out to every human at an early age, as a necessary addition to our toolkit for adult relationships. Wonderful.
February 3, 2024
3.5 ⭐
The nicest and sometimes the most annoying thing of this book was how it always told us a thing and then said that it may or may not work for you. I know I know that's exactly how real life is - no formula. But WHAT IF THERE WAS A FORMULA???
Nevertheless I enjoyed it. Some great insights into our human-ness and how to live though each kind of emotion.
And I'm sure once I'm free of exams, I'll make notes of the things I highlighted in this book.
The nicest and sometimes the most annoying thing of this book was how it always told us a thing and then said that it may or may not work for you. I know I know that's exactly how real life is - no formula. But WHAT IF THERE WAS A FORMULA???
Nevertheless I enjoyed it. Some great insights into our human-ness and how to live though each kind of emotion.
And I'm sure once I'm free of exams, I'll make notes of the things I highlighted in this book.
September 26, 2025
A very helpful book - clear and pragmatic, while also deep. Many aspects of “relational dharma” here give me language I’ve never had this kind of clarity for.
Also, inherently limited - by a middle class cis straight white woman in a monogamous marriage. So some of these areas felt lacking - and many not even named. It’s also focused on the 1:1 and not more global influences, which I think could have been woven in, if they were her view.
So why a 4? In anyone else’s hands of her demographic, it’d be a 3. But I respect Piver deeply, so it’s a 4.
Also, inherently limited - by a middle class cis straight white woman in a monogamous marriage. So some of these areas felt lacking - and many not even named. It’s also focused on the 1:1 and not more global influences, which I think could have been woven in, if they were her view.
So why a 4? In anyone else’s hands of her demographic, it’d be a 3. But I respect Piver deeply, so it’s a 4.
November 30, 2020
Loved this book.
Recorded my review in this podcast episode. So many wonderful takeaways
https://questforyou.com/2020/09/09/th...
Recorded my review in this podcast episode. So many wonderful takeaways
https://questforyou.com/2020/09/09/th...
September 19, 2022
THE FOUR TRUTHS ARE :
1 F > L
2 U > O
3 C > V
4 K > E
---
The Four Noble Truths are the foundation of Buddhist philosophy.
The Four Noble Truths were taught by the Buddha more than 2,500 years ago. They were his first teachings after achieving enlightenment, and they form the basis of the Buddhist philosophy.
Siddhartha Gautama – the Buddha’s given name – was born a prince. His upbringing was so sheltered that he didn’t lay eyes on people who were elderly, sick, or dying until he was a grown man.
Dismayed by these revelatory experiences, he renounced his life of luxury in the hope of finding the meaning of existence and an end to suffering. After several years of fasting, begging, and other forms of chastity, Gautama finally resolved to sit beneath a Bodhi tree until the truth revealed itself to him. It’s said he sat beneath that tree for 49 days before achieving enlightenment, at which point he returned to share what he’d learned – the four truths about existence.
The First Noble Truth is: Life is suffering. That’s not to say that everything’s bad. Suffering here refers to a base-level discomfort that we can’t ever quite get rid of. This discomfort stems from the fact that everything in life is transient. We try to hold onto things – good looks, possessions, relationships – but everything ultimately passes through our fingers. As a result, we suffer a great deal of anxiety about what awaits us in the future, and we sorrow for what we’ve left behind in the past.
However, it’s not transience per se that causes suffering. This is where the Second Noble Truth comes in: The cause of suffering is attachment. In other words, we suffer because we can’t bear to let go of the things we’ve become attached to.
Now that we know the cause of suffering, we arrive at the Third Noble Truth: It’s possible to end suffering. In order to do that, we have to accept reality for what it is. Knowing that everything in life comes and goes, we must – as far as possible – relinquish our attachments to things.
But how exactly do we achieve this? Well, the Fourth Noble Truth says that there is a path for transcending suffering. This path is known in Buddhism as the Noble Eightfold Path. It offers the various components of the Buddhist’s moral life; if followed conscientiously, these will lead to enlightenment.
So, that’s it – the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism. These are the basis for the Noble Truths of Love, which, as we’ll see, follow this same structure.
---
We harm relationships when we hold them to unrealistic standards.
This might be obvious, but you shouldn’t be taking relationship advice from movies. When movies tackle the subject of love, they tend to focus on its rudimentary stage. Once the protagonist falls in love, the screen fades to black, and it’s implied they live happily ever after.
Perhaps that’s why we’ve confused relationships with love affairs. As a society, we’ve equated love with the passion and euphoria that comes with the initial blaze of infatuation.
Love affairs and relationships are not the same thing – at all. In love affairs, feelings are everything. We enjoy them because they make us feel great. Love affairs are somewhat self-involved because the emphasis is on how this other person makes me feel. Relationships, by contrast, are more about genuine connection and intimacy with another being, and they don’t always make us feel good.
Because we’ve confused the two, we’ve come to expect that love affairs will make for good relationships and that relationships should remain love affairs. We expect romance, passion, and desire to remain constant. But the truth is, this just doesn’t happen.
Relationships simply can’t live up to this fairy-tale expectation. Consequently, when the romance dies down and the euphoria settles, we think that something’s gone terribly wrong.
But, of course, it hasn’t. This is just what relationships do – they fluctuate. Emotions come and go. Our desires wane, come back, and then wane again. We can absolutely adore our partner one day and be exasperated by them the next.
For some reason, we have a lot of trouble accepting this. That’s why the Second Noble Truth of Love tells us that we make our relationships more unstable by expecting love to be stable. That is to say, we increase dissatisfaction in our relationships by placing impossible pressures on them.
If this sounds like you, do yourself a favor and be a little more measured with your expectations. It’s unreasonable to expect to feel enraptured all the time. In fact, you should expect to feel outright bad sometimes. You’re not always going to look at your partner with love, so try not to feel guilty about it. And don’t think that a fight here and there is a sign of a failing relationship.
When you soften the expectations you place on your relationships, you release a pressure valve and much of your worry and tension evaporates into thin air. By accepting that no relationship is without its struggles, we can ditch the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side mentality and embrace our relationship for what it is – flaws and all.
---
Attachment is the ultimate cause of dissatisfaction in relationships.
We’ve been talking a lot about expectations. Buddhists have another word for this: attachment.
Attachment is the trap we fall into time and time again. For example, we get attached to feelings like euphoria and excitement. We get attached to experiences, especially the sexual kind. And, as we’ve seen already, we get attached to stages in the cycle. It’s why people expend so much energy trying to prolong the infatuation stage of relationships – and why they attempt to resurrect it when it’s gone.
But is attachment really so wrong? Isn’t the whole point of a loving relationship to become attached to someone? If you get rid of attachment, won’t you also get rid of love?
Well, not exactly. Of course we’re attached to the people we love! No one is saying it’s bad to form connections with people; we couldn’t have relationships otherwise. The problem is that we cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain by not being able to let go when people move on, relationships change, or good times eventually come to an end.
To be unattached is not to be emotionless and unloving. It simply means that when it’s time to say goodbye to something, you don’t resist. Instead, you let it go with grace.
Unfortunately, the story doesn’t stop there. There’s another form of attachment that also wreaks havoc on relationships. That is, our attachment to stories – otherwise known as the blame game.
We have a persistent need to look for the causes behind things, and our mental state is no exception. When we feel bad, we look to rationalize the emotion in the hope that we can make ourselves feel better. It never occurs to us that a feeling might just be that: a feeling.
Frequently, it’s our loved ones that get the brunt of this kind of reasoning. We have thoughts like, We’re not working out because he’s not trying hard enough. Or, I’m stagnating in life because she’s holding me back. We’re constantly weaving little stories like these to try and justify why we feel the way we do.
And sure, sometimes our loved ones do cause us to feel bad. But a lot of the time, they’re just an easy target. It’s convenient to blame the person opposite you when the real reason might be a complex combination of past experiences, hormonal chaos, or maybe just being plain hangry.
While probing into your feelings is healthy and useful, becoming too attached to unfounded stories can end up provoking an unnecessary divide. So, here’s some advice: feel the feeling, drop the story. In other words, try not to find meaning in your feelings so much. Instead, just feel.
---
Our modern conception of love simply equates it with positive emotion and passion. This is a very self-absorbed idea of love, where the emphasis is on oneself. And we can actually make relationship problems worse by interpreting the emotional turmoil that love causes as a sign that there’s something wrong.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
Actionable advice:
Initiate a meditation habit today.
Whether you intend to meditate together or alone, make it a habit by doing it at a set time every day. It could be as simple as ten minutes before you eat breakfast in the morning. As we’ve seen, meditation can be a powerful tool for reestablishing connection with your partner on a regular basis. It helps even when you meditate alone. Simply allow your partner’s qualities to rest in your mind – see their smile, hear their laugh, and remember why you love them. If you want further guidance, check out the author’s online meditation community, the Open Heart Project, for free weekly guided meditations.
1 F > L
2 U > O
3 C > V
4 K > E
---
The Four Noble Truths are the foundation of Buddhist philosophy.
The Four Noble Truths were taught by the Buddha more than 2,500 years ago. They were his first teachings after achieving enlightenment, and they form the basis of the Buddhist philosophy.
Siddhartha Gautama – the Buddha’s given name – was born a prince. His upbringing was so sheltered that he didn’t lay eyes on people who were elderly, sick, or dying until he was a grown man.
Dismayed by these revelatory experiences, he renounced his life of luxury in the hope of finding the meaning of existence and an end to suffering. After several years of fasting, begging, and other forms of chastity, Gautama finally resolved to sit beneath a Bodhi tree until the truth revealed itself to him. It’s said he sat beneath that tree for 49 days before achieving enlightenment, at which point he returned to share what he’d learned – the four truths about existence.
The First Noble Truth is: Life is suffering. That’s not to say that everything’s bad. Suffering here refers to a base-level discomfort that we can’t ever quite get rid of. This discomfort stems from the fact that everything in life is transient. We try to hold onto things – good looks, possessions, relationships – but everything ultimately passes through our fingers. As a result, we suffer a great deal of anxiety about what awaits us in the future, and we sorrow for what we’ve left behind in the past.
However, it’s not transience per se that causes suffering. This is where the Second Noble Truth comes in: The cause of suffering is attachment. In other words, we suffer because we can’t bear to let go of the things we’ve become attached to.
Now that we know the cause of suffering, we arrive at the Third Noble Truth: It’s possible to end suffering. In order to do that, we have to accept reality for what it is. Knowing that everything in life comes and goes, we must – as far as possible – relinquish our attachments to things.
But how exactly do we achieve this? Well, the Fourth Noble Truth says that there is a path for transcending suffering. This path is known in Buddhism as the Noble Eightfold Path. It offers the various components of the Buddhist’s moral life; if followed conscientiously, these will lead to enlightenment.
So, that’s it – the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism. These are the basis for the Noble Truths of Love, which, as we’ll see, follow this same structure.
---
We harm relationships when we hold them to unrealistic standards.
This might be obvious, but you shouldn’t be taking relationship advice from movies. When movies tackle the subject of love, they tend to focus on its rudimentary stage. Once the protagonist falls in love, the screen fades to black, and it’s implied they live happily ever after.
Perhaps that’s why we’ve confused relationships with love affairs. As a society, we’ve equated love with the passion and euphoria that comes with the initial blaze of infatuation.
Love affairs and relationships are not the same thing – at all. In love affairs, feelings are everything. We enjoy them because they make us feel great. Love affairs are somewhat self-involved because the emphasis is on how this other person makes me feel. Relationships, by contrast, are more about genuine connection and intimacy with another being, and they don’t always make us feel good.
Because we’ve confused the two, we’ve come to expect that love affairs will make for good relationships and that relationships should remain love affairs. We expect romance, passion, and desire to remain constant. But the truth is, this just doesn’t happen.
Relationships simply can’t live up to this fairy-tale expectation. Consequently, when the romance dies down and the euphoria settles, we think that something’s gone terribly wrong.
But, of course, it hasn’t. This is just what relationships do – they fluctuate. Emotions come and go. Our desires wane, come back, and then wane again. We can absolutely adore our partner one day and be exasperated by them the next.
For some reason, we have a lot of trouble accepting this. That’s why the Second Noble Truth of Love tells us that we make our relationships more unstable by expecting love to be stable. That is to say, we increase dissatisfaction in our relationships by placing impossible pressures on them.
If this sounds like you, do yourself a favor and be a little more measured with your expectations. It’s unreasonable to expect to feel enraptured all the time. In fact, you should expect to feel outright bad sometimes. You’re not always going to look at your partner with love, so try not to feel guilty about it. And don’t think that a fight here and there is a sign of a failing relationship.
When you soften the expectations you place on your relationships, you release a pressure valve and much of your worry and tension evaporates into thin air. By accepting that no relationship is without its struggles, we can ditch the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side mentality and embrace our relationship for what it is – flaws and all.
---
Attachment is the ultimate cause of dissatisfaction in relationships.
We’ve been talking a lot about expectations. Buddhists have another word for this: attachment.
Attachment is the trap we fall into time and time again. For example, we get attached to feelings like euphoria and excitement. We get attached to experiences, especially the sexual kind. And, as we’ve seen already, we get attached to stages in the cycle. It’s why people expend so much energy trying to prolong the infatuation stage of relationships – and why they attempt to resurrect it when it’s gone.
But is attachment really so wrong? Isn’t the whole point of a loving relationship to become attached to someone? If you get rid of attachment, won’t you also get rid of love?
Well, not exactly. Of course we’re attached to the people we love! No one is saying it’s bad to form connections with people; we couldn’t have relationships otherwise. The problem is that we cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain by not being able to let go when people move on, relationships change, or good times eventually come to an end.
To be unattached is not to be emotionless and unloving. It simply means that when it’s time to say goodbye to something, you don’t resist. Instead, you let it go with grace.
Unfortunately, the story doesn’t stop there. There’s another form of attachment that also wreaks havoc on relationships. That is, our attachment to stories – otherwise known as the blame game.
We have a persistent need to look for the causes behind things, and our mental state is no exception. When we feel bad, we look to rationalize the emotion in the hope that we can make ourselves feel better. It never occurs to us that a feeling might just be that: a feeling.
Frequently, it’s our loved ones that get the brunt of this kind of reasoning. We have thoughts like, We’re not working out because he’s not trying hard enough. Or, I’m stagnating in life because she’s holding me back. We’re constantly weaving little stories like these to try and justify why we feel the way we do.
And sure, sometimes our loved ones do cause us to feel bad. But a lot of the time, they’re just an easy target. It’s convenient to blame the person opposite you when the real reason might be a complex combination of past experiences, hormonal chaos, or maybe just being plain hangry.
While probing into your feelings is healthy and useful, becoming too attached to unfounded stories can end up provoking an unnecessary divide. So, here’s some advice: feel the feeling, drop the story. In other words, try not to find meaning in your feelings so much. Instead, just feel.
---
Our modern conception of love simply equates it with positive emotion and passion. This is a very self-absorbed idea of love, where the emphasis is on oneself. And we can actually make relationship problems worse by interpreting the emotional turmoil that love causes as a sign that there’s something wrong.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
Actionable advice:
Initiate a meditation habit today.
Whether you intend to meditate together or alone, make it a habit by doing it at a set time every day. It could be as simple as ten minutes before you eat breakfast in the morning. As we’ve seen, meditation can be a powerful tool for reestablishing connection with your partner on a regular basis. It helps even when you meditate alone. Simply allow your partner’s qualities to rest in your mind – see their smile, hear their laugh, and remember why you love them. If you want further guidance, check out the author’s online meditation community, the Open Heart Project, for free weekly guided meditations.
February 22, 2023
Some really good advice on relationship
Overall the book has some really interesting advice. But author has used difficult vocabulary at some places, so ease of read is compromised. Also the instances from her life were not intense.
Still for someone in relationship, this book is a good read.
Overall the book has some really interesting advice. But author has used difficult vocabulary at some places, so ease of read is compromised. Also the instances from her life were not intense.
Still for someone in relationship, this book is a good read.
June 25, 2019
I'm a skeptic who typically loathes self-help/relationship advice books. But I was asked to read this one and reluctantly agreed. I was quickly pulled in by the author's straightforward, no BS approach to the topic. She flat out admits that everything she mentions won't work for everyone. Her advice is to take what works for you and toss out the rest. This refreshing spin on self-help made it easier to listen to her opinions, and I found a lot of really good stuff to take with me.
You don't need to be a Buddhist or even religious at all (I'm neither) to gain a new perspective from Piver's words. She's humorous at times but also very real. In fact, the problems she shared about her own relationship made any issues within my marriage seem non-existent by comparison. Even if your marriage is on very solid ground - which I've been so fortunate to experience throughout the majority of mine - you can still glean some very important insights about how to communicate more effectively and compassionately with each other.
I particularly enjoyed the concept of each relationship having a container, along with the sections that delved into the different personality traits and how they approach things. No matter how well you know your significant others, recognizing them in these traits can be very eye opening.
My only complaint - and it's super small - is what's with the hate for Star Wars figures? I'm guessing this is something Piver's husband likes that drives her crazy. If so, I hope he still has a space in their home where he's able to proudly display his collection. After all, if both people aren't able to contribute to their home/container in a way that makes them feel good, then the container needs more work. Having said that, Piven's disdain for Star Wars figures proves her own point that she's not perfect either, and we can always learn more about compromise.
My one complaint aside, this is a wonderful book. If you don't like the idea of meditating and being really honest with yourself and your partner, though, it may not be for you.
You don't need to be a Buddhist or even religious at all (I'm neither) to gain a new perspective from Piver's words. She's humorous at times but also very real. In fact, the problems she shared about her own relationship made any issues within my marriage seem non-existent by comparison. Even if your marriage is on very solid ground - which I've been so fortunate to experience throughout the majority of mine - you can still glean some very important insights about how to communicate more effectively and compassionately with each other.
I particularly enjoyed the concept of each relationship having a container, along with the sections that delved into the different personality traits and how they approach things. No matter how well you know your significant others, recognizing them in these traits can be very eye opening.
My only complaint - and it's super small - is what's with the hate for Star Wars figures? I'm guessing this is something Piver's husband likes that drives her crazy. If so, I hope he still has a space in their home where he's able to proudly display his collection. After all, if both people aren't able to contribute to their home/container in a way that makes them feel good, then the container needs more work. Having said that, Piven's disdain for Star Wars figures proves her own point that she's not perfect either, and we can always learn more about compromise.
My one complaint aside, this is a wonderful book. If you don't like the idea of meditating and being really honest with yourself and your partner, though, it may not be for you.
December 20, 2018
I appreciated the adaptation of the four noble truths to romantic relationships and found several helpful points to ponder here. Her incorporation of her own relationship troubles and the q&a in the appendix particularly added to the book’s utility and approachability. Will keep this on hand for reference. But you can borrow if you promise to return it!
May 23, 2020
This in equal measure hit the mark and then missed the mark for me. I took away some real gems though: "I'm no longer in a relationship with a person. I'm in a relationship with a relationship. I'm not creating it. I'm taking care of it."
May 27, 2020
Good, but not life changing. Common sense guidance, well told.
August 4, 2024
Powerful guidance of life's ethics.
August 10, 2021
Relationships and love affairs are not the same thing but our society is an individualistic self-serving one therefore equates the two. The initial blaze of infatuation is an unrealistic standard that ignores that life is suffering, and that suffering is based in the changing nature of reality. We don’t look at a red rose and say what a shame that that rose isn’t blue, but we appreciate it for what it is. Buddhist called us sense of longing “ attachment” We need to let go of the initial phase with grace and pass into the subsequent phases.
The subsequent phases after infatuation which force us into growth, often also cause us to try and rationalize any suffering through blame. That someone that gets blamed is usually our partner. Rather than looking at the complex reasons that we are dissatisfied or feel held back (childhood trauma, financial stress, hunger…) we point at the easiest source to blame, our partner. It is best to let these feelings pass and acknowledge they are only part of the picture. Our brains are very lazy!
Meditative conversation brings couples closer together therefore help them mitigate pain caused by the relationship. 15 minutes start with two minutes of meditation. The first listener up how are you and the person has five minutes to talk. No interrupting, only deep listening. At the end of the five minutes the talker thanks The listener. This is followed by two more minutes of meditation. It is then the other persons time to speak for five minutes. Conclude the session with a two minute meditation. Then mutually close out the session with an act of love. For example you could say may I have love may I give love may everyone receive love and made this relationship to drive through Thanksgiving and receipt of love.
The subsequent phases after infatuation which force us into growth, often also cause us to try and rationalize any suffering through blame. That someone that gets blamed is usually our partner. Rather than looking at the complex reasons that we are dissatisfied or feel held back (childhood trauma, financial stress, hunger…) we point at the easiest source to blame, our partner. It is best to let these feelings pass and acknowledge they are only part of the picture. Our brains are very lazy!
Meditative conversation brings couples closer together therefore help them mitigate pain caused by the relationship. 15 minutes start with two minutes of meditation. The first listener up how are you and the person has five minutes to talk. No interrupting, only deep listening. At the end of the five minutes the talker thanks The listener. This is followed by two more minutes of meditation. It is then the other persons time to speak for five minutes. Conclude the session with a two minute meditation. Then mutually close out the session with an act of love. For example you could say may I have love may I give love may everyone receive love and made this relationship to drive through Thanksgiving and receipt of love.
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September 19, 2022Our modern conception of love simply equates it with positive emotion and passion, euphoria with no downs. This is a very self-absorbed idea of love, where the emphasis is on oneself. And we can actually make relationship problems worse by interpreting the emotional turmoil, and the problems or conflicts or simply an argument in relationship as a sign that there’s something wrong, the relationship is destroying.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. One day you can love your partner, the other day you can hate him and it is perfectly normal. Never blame your partner for your downs sometimes it is just as life is up and down, as mood swings. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
Actionable advice:
Initiate a meditation habit today. Do meditation with the partner. Talk when you are both in mindful state. Spend 2 mins breathing properly then one person share his feelings of their emotions in their relationship these days for 5 mins, the other just listens and then thank the speaker. The other takes the turn and then pray for life long happiness and togetherness together 🥺
Whether you intend to meditate together or alone, make it a habit by doing it at a set time every day. It could be as simple as ten minutes before you eat breakfast in the morning. As we’ve seen, meditation can be a powerful tool for reestablishing connection with your partner on a regular basis. It helps even when you meditate alone. Simply allow your partner’s qualities to rest in your mind – see their smile, hear their laugh, and remember why you love them.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. One day you can love your partner, the other day you can hate him and it is perfectly normal. Never blame your partner for your downs sometimes it is just as life is up and down, as mood swings. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
Actionable advice:
Initiate a meditation habit today. Do meditation with the partner. Talk when you are both in mindful state. Spend 2 mins breathing properly then one person share his feelings of their emotions in their relationship these days for 5 mins, the other just listens and then thank the speaker. The other takes the turn and then pray for life long happiness and togetherness together 🥺
Whether you intend to meditate together or alone, make it a habit by doing it at a set time every day. It could be as simple as ten minutes before you eat breakfast in the morning. As we’ve seen, meditation can be a powerful tool for reestablishing connection with your partner on a regular basis. It helps even when you meditate alone. Simply allow your partner’s qualities to rest in your mind – see their smile, hear their laugh, and remember why you love them.
May 28, 2021
This book is all about ways we can ground modern day relationships in principles of Buddhism. As someone who has a beginners understanding of Buddhism, i found this book extremely welcoming and digestible. It was enjoyable to read while offering simple lessons. Below I’ll share two of my key takeaways from this book!
💠Suffering comes when we grasp for things to last forever. Life is constantly changing and almost never stable. Lots of times suffering in love can come when we grasp for things to be perfect all the time. When we ground in the truth that nothing is perfect or permanent, we can find peace that relationships are inherently flawed and changing. Conflict and uncertainty is normal!
💠When we truly love people in our lives we see them for who they really are, instead of our vision of them. This resonated with me as someone who has had others create ideal visions of ME in THEIR heads, and as someone who also creates visions of others! Piver explains that relationships are a constant balance to come back to seeing people for who they truly are, and choosing them over your perfect ideal vision of them.
I recommend this book for anyone whether you’re in a romantic relationship or just relationships of love in general. The gentle reminders of imperfect love have brought me ease and wisdom entering new relationships at this time in my life.
May 16, 2021
I was curious to observe and learn about other ways to practice self-care and create space for love in my relationships. Not only did this book teach me that it taught me much more. I won't detail here because I cannot capture the true effect of Piver's words. At the same time, reading her book, I never feel as though I am being talked down to or told that I had done anything wrong/evil.
Although a short book, I took my time reading, highlighting, taking notes, and digesting the material presented to me. I was happy to learn there are other ways to express love and that despite the circumstances I grew up in, I can learn to create my version of love with my partner in our own space.
There are no must-do exercises, simply observations on love from Piver's perceptive. How she through her practice, she has observed love in her life and with her partner. Very easy to understand and apply to one's life. 100% easy to relate to as a woman.
Even if, especially if you aren't a Buddhist, read this book to not only better your connection to yourself but others, your partner, and all forms of love in your life.
An easy 5 out of 5 stars for me!
Although a short book, I took my time reading, highlighting, taking notes, and digesting the material presented to me. I was happy to learn there are other ways to express love and that despite the circumstances I grew up in, I can learn to create my version of love with my partner in our own space.
There are no must-do exercises, simply observations on love from Piver's perceptive. How she through her practice, she has observed love in her life and with her partner. Very easy to understand and apply to one's life. 100% easy to relate to as a woman.
Even if, especially if you aren't a Buddhist, read this book to not only better your connection to yourself but others, your partner, and all forms of love in your life.
An easy 5 out of 5 stars for me!
September 18, 2022
The foundation of Buddhist philosophy is the Four Noble Truths which were taught around 2500 years ago by Gautam Buddha: 1. Life is suffering. 2. The cause of suffering is attachment. 3. It is possible to end the suffering. 4. There is a path for transcending suffering called the Noble Eightfold path. These are the basis for the Noble Truths of Love which, as the author explains, follow the same structure. The author says that 1. Problems are an integral part of a relationship. 2. Attachment to past experiences and our unrealistic expectations greatly harm the relationships. 3. It is possible to reduce the discomfort and dissatisfaction caused from the relationships. 4. There are numerous ways of doing it including meditation, direct communication, etc. The author concludes by saying that modern conception of love equates it with only positive emotions and passion but love is dynamic, scary and profound. And only after accepting it in its true form, can we enjoy the adventure a little bit more. Though the author has written in context of a love relationship, the same can be applied to our relationships with our colleagues, seniors, friends, parents, siblings and many more.
December 23, 2020
Our modern conception of love simply equates it with positive emotion and passion. This is a very self-absorbed idea of love, where the emphasis is on oneself. And we can actually make relationship problems worse by interpreting the emotional turmoil that love causes as a sign that there’s something wrong.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
As we’ve seen, meditation can be a powerful tool for reestablishing connection with your partner on a regular basis. It helps even when you meditate alone. Simply allow your partner’s qualities to rest in your mind – see their smile, hear their laugh, and remember why you love them. If you want further guidance, check out the author’s online meditation community, the Open Heart Project, for free weekly guided meditations.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
As we’ve seen, meditation can be a powerful tool for reestablishing connection with your partner on a regular basis. It helps even when you meditate alone. Simply allow your partner’s qualities to rest in your mind – see their smile, hear their laugh, and remember why you love them. If you want further guidance, check out the author’s online meditation community, the Open Heart Project, for free weekly guided meditations.
April 3, 2020
Beautifully written for love seekers who are interested in deepening a relationship.
"Vulnerability is the prerequisite for love. What is the prerequisite for vulnerability? Uncertainty. What is the last thing we want to feel in our relationships? Uncertainty."
This book helped me understand that love is "willing to be as foolish, luminous, chaotic, and brilliant ... without shame, ... to be fully one's self. Then, when love is offered or received, it is true love."
A personal struggle of mine is always needing to know "where is this going" and to learn that the journey is the destination.
"There is nothing less safe than love. Love means opening again and again to your beloved, yourself, and the world, and seeing what happens next."
"Vulnerability is the prerequisite for love. What is the prerequisite for vulnerability? Uncertainty. What is the last thing we want to feel in our relationships? Uncertainty."
This book helped me understand that love is "willing to be as foolish, luminous, chaotic, and brilliant ... without shame, ... to be fully one's self. Then, when love is offered or received, it is true love."
A personal struggle of mine is always needing to know "where is this going" and to learn that the journey is the destination.
"There is nothing less safe than love. Love means opening again and again to your beloved, yourself, and the world, and seeing what happens next."
November 9, 2020
While probing into your feelings is healthy and useful, becoming too attached to unfounded stories can end up provoking an unnecessary divide. So, here’s some advice: feel the feeling, drop the story. In other words, try not to find meaning in your feelings so much. Instead, just feel.
The key message here is: True love is embracing the instability of a relationship together.
In other words, love is knowing full well that the ride is going to be rough but choosing to take it anyway. Love is the willingness to board the rollercoaster of emotion, desire, and confusion with another being, for no other reason than the sheer benefit of companionship.
“May I have love, may my partner have love, may all beings have love, may this relationship thrive.”
The key message here is: True love is embracing the instability of a relationship together.
In other words, love is knowing full well that the ride is going to be rough but choosing to take it anyway. Love is the willingness to board the rollercoaster of emotion, desire, and confusion with another being, for no other reason than the sheer benefit of companionship.
“May I have love, may my partner have love, may all beings have love, may this relationship thrive.”
August 21, 2018
Here is the Path to Reduce Suffering in Relationship
Being in relationship with another person means conflict WILL arise. Fear, loss, loneliness, hurt, upset, expectations and unfulfilled dreams are a part of any relationship.
Learning out how to avoid suffering in relationship while experiencing these discomforts is a specific application of general wisdom on how to reduce suffering in painful/stressful situations and the Buddha dharma is powerful teaching anyone can practice and implement. Piven has a lovely warm and challenging approach to applying Buddhist wisdom and practices in love relationships.
Brilliant and practical.
Being in relationship with another person means conflict WILL arise. Fear, loss, loneliness, hurt, upset, expectations and unfulfilled dreams are a part of any relationship.
Learning out how to avoid suffering in relationship while experiencing these discomforts is a specific application of general wisdom on how to reduce suffering in painful/stressful situations and the Buddha dharma is powerful teaching anyone can practice and implement. Piven has a lovely warm and challenging approach to applying Buddhist wisdom and practices in love relationships.
Brilliant and practical.
March 11, 2019
I like to learn and I often feel like I know absolutely nothing about love. It seems to escape me so I feel like I have to learn about it. I loved this book, because I realized just how much I do know about love and how much I do actually love and I’m not as the messed up, broken toy, I often think I am but I have a much deeper and richer experience in this capacity of love then I ever dreamed. And I learned that I’m imperfect and that is perfectly okay. I get a lot of hope, which is not something I normally subscribe to, from this book, because it doesn’t claim to have all the answers. There are never ending questions. When you can feel comfortable in the unknown, love will enter.
August 18, 2020
Our modern conception of love simply equates it with positive emotion and passion. This is a very self-absorbed idea of love, where the emphasis is on oneself. And we can actually make relationship problems worse by interpreting the emotional turmoil that love causes as a sign that there’s something wrong.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
September 18, 2022
Our modern conception of love simply equates it with positive emotion and passion. This is a very self-absorbed idea of love, where the emphasis is on oneself. And we can actually make relationship problems worse by interpreting the emotional turmoil that love causes as a sign that there’s something wrong.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
But love is more than a feeling; it’s a way of being. And true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life’s journey – all the discomfort, confusion, and pain – hand-in-hand with a fellow traveler. It’s dynamic, scary, and profound. Once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
February 26, 2019
That was good fun!
This book was recommended to me by the host of @thelovedrive. Shaun is good people and he did not let me down. I found the prose to be direct and engaging. I found the subject matter to be hopefully and clearly presented. As a scholar of religious wisdom, I loved the way the author turned the religious tradition to her own use. This is very much what religious traditions are for. There is a balance between bending the tradition and bending ourselves and I believe she found it. You'll need to pick this book up. Get yourself a copy.
This book was recommended to me by the host of @thelovedrive. Shaun is good people and he did not let me down. I found the prose to be direct and engaging. I found the subject matter to be hopefully and clearly presented. As a scholar of religious wisdom, I loved the way the author turned the religious tradition to her own use. This is very much what religious traditions are for. There is a balance between bending the tradition and bending ourselves and I believe she found it. You'll need to pick this book up. Get yourself a copy.
October 4, 2019
You will not regret this read!!
This is a book well mixed with technical instruction and the author's personal integration as well as personal transparency. I have just read her book for the second time with a little over a year in between. My partner of a little over two years and I moved on together this past January and Susan's written words have greater meaning and impact. I will encourage others to take time to read Susan's book. Her honesty and insight will help you look within IF you you allow yourself to be transparent with yourself. Thank you Susan!!!!
This is a book well mixed with technical instruction and the author's personal integration as well as personal transparency. I have just read her book for the second time with a little over a year in between. My partner of a little over two years and I moved on together this past January and Susan's written words have greater meaning and impact. I will encourage others to take time to read Susan's book. Her honesty and insight will help you look within IF you you allow yourself to be transparent with yourself. Thank you Susan!!!!
January 7, 2022
Lately, I’ve felt the desire to learn more about the yoga mindset. This book was recommended by another — “Strong, Calm and Free” by Nicola Jane Hobbs.
While this certainly touches a lot on mindset, it was more about taking a more intentional and Buddhist approach to love, and I found that I needed to hear a lot of what was being said, and I think many others need to hear it as well.
100% glad I read this, and I would recommend to others.
While this certainly touches a lot on mindset, it was more about taking a more intentional and Buddhist approach to love, and I found that I needed to hear a lot of what was being said, and I think many others need to hear it as well.
100% glad I read this, and I would recommend to others.
April 13, 2024
There is excellent content in this book that will offer relationship insights to many. It is however either too long or too short. The author veers off onto parallel topics that take away from how concise the (already short) book could be. Another alternative would be to have a co-author expand on the ideas of attachment styles or personality types making the text longer. Overall a unique book that applies Buddhist thought to relationships which I find very appealing.
August 3, 2025
"Real love, it seems, is a result not of feeling enraptured all the time, but of being with someone who will ride these unpredictable waves with you: Now we love each other, now we don't. Now you love me and I don't love you. Now it's the reverse. Now we feel distant from each other, now we feel close. Now we haven't a clue. And so on. To say yes to love is to say yes to the unfolding, impenetrable arc of uncertainty."
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