Well, I really enjoyed this. A very personal, uncensored account deep inside the introverted thinking of the protagonist. It is understated, but moving and endearing.
My biggest thought about this book that was it read, and seemed like basically a pretty faithful unembellished and un-doctored account of the author's own experience. Which fascinated me partly because of my own very autobiographical writing ideas, but also because - if so - the writer is exposing so much of him/herself - including the most unedifying moments. For example, p32, the narrator has a one night stand with someone and the morning after has sex with the woman whilst she is still asleep.
"She who is not her does not wake up and as I slip on the condom I am reminded of a picture I saw at a restaurant once of Indians with buffalo heads sneaking up on a grazing herd. She who is not her still does not wake up . He who really doesn't do this kind of thing carries on."
I cannot shake the belief that this is the author's own experience. On the one hand it is brave of him to include it, in 2014. I wonder if it would still make the final edit 10 years on...
The publisher's blurb in the inside cover says: "Alone in New York, separated from his girlfriend by the Atlantic Ocean, the nameless narrator of Heinz Helle's electric debut novel is sinking slowly into crisis." - almost as if partly to give Helle plausible deniability of the actions described in the book.
Other than this, especially for anyone of a philosophical/existentialist/introverted bent, this book is a pleasure to read, and ultimately a beautiful poetic, perhaps quietly tragic, account of the isolation and disconnectedness so many face in our current age.
8/10
Quotes
p1 "They're coming out, they're running up the basement steps in their blue-and-yellow and their green-and-white jerseys, the boys, they're eight or nine years old, and you watch them because you like it when members of a species have something that matters to them, when there is something in their lives to fight for, without weapons or violence."
"He is still just a boy. He is in goal. It's the first time he has been in goal, and he is thinking, all right, if you want me to be in goal, I'll be in goal, I don't mind."
p13 "And then I think that sooner or later it had to come to this, that here I am once again thinking about whether the fact that I am thinking about a random women means that she and I no longer have a chance, that I don't really want her any more, without knowing it, or can't want her, or don't want to be able to want her, and it seems to me that wanting isn't something you can control, no matter how hard you try."
p30 "My problem is the fact that it sounds cool to say I'm a philosopher so I study philosophy. My problem is that I'm drunk and I want to fuck, but I'm a philosopher and so really problems like consciousness and experience should be more important to me than women. My problem is that I love a woman but I think that I will at some point stop loving her and I renounce a world in which that is possible."
p32 "She who is not her does not wake up and as I slip on the condom I am reminded of a picture I saw at a restaurant once of Indians with buffalo heads sneaking up on a grazing herd. She who is not her still does not wake up . He who really doesn't do this kind of thing carries on."
p35 "...I realise that I am only here to see past her acne and to prove to her that it is possible for someone to find her beautiful and to prove to myself that someone wants to be found beautiful by me."
p69" As the doors close I keep looking in her direction because I assume she will turn around and I don't want her to turn around and see that I am no longer looking. And so I look. She doesn't turn around."
p71 "Later that evening, we're lying on the sofa watching TV, and taking turns nodding off. When at last we're both awake at the same time, we decide to go to bed."
p74 "We're at her mother's, and we decide to terminate the pregnancy. Her mother decides this. Her father stays out of it, and I'm too proud and numbed to do anything at all, too proud and numbed by the unconditional commitment I made to her a few days earlier, by my solemn oath to stand by her, no matter what she decides. We'll get through this, together, we'll raise a child together or pull a child out of your body and throw it away, whatever you want, darling."
p86
p87
p89 "We're waiting for our friends from Munich, they used to be her friends, now they are our friends, friends with whom she once shared a great many experiences and with whom we now never experience anything....
p94"I refuse to apologise for being a man, in the biological sense. I will not go on denying that I want to fuck every - and I mean every -woman under the age of fifty who weighs under eighty kilos and has a halfway attractive face. I object to the implication that my love for her is less real just because of this boring, unalterable fact.
The fact that I want to fuck other women does not mean that we have to break up. The fact that I want to fuck other women does not mean that the society we live in is hypersexualised, manipulated by advertising, or dumbed-down and debauched. The fact that I want to fuck other women does not mean she is ugly, or that I am sick, or that we couldn't live happily ever after and die arm in arm. The fact that I want to fuck other women doesn't even mean that I really want to fuck other women, but more likely just that something in me wants to fuck something else, and since I don't know anything else, I fill in the blanks with I and women. The fact that I want to fuck other women means absolutely nothing. It's completely normal. Hormones. Carbon. Water."
p97 "She let's go of my hand and puts her other arm around my hips, she holds me tightly, and I hug her back. I'm taller, and I am careful to hold her tightly enough to communicate love, but not so tightly that she feels trapped. In response, she squeezes me even more tightly. I feel trapped."
p98 "But what purpose do you see in what you do, besides the desire to prove to yourself that you can do it? You don't care about philosophy. You don't care about me, either. You basically don't care about anything.
I don't not care about anything."
p99 "I feel her nodding. She nods slowly and breathes carefully, as if something might break, and she nods and breathes and nods and breathes, and suddenly her head on my chest feels very small and wet."
p111 "I don't think you even know what love is, she says, running her fingernail across the fitted sheet and looking at the books on the floor beside the bed, and I look at her fingernail, then at the books, and I think, of course I don't know what love is, and I say: Of course I know what love is. Love is what we feel for each other."