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Caring for the Dying: The Doula Approach to a Meaningful Death
A gentle guide for end of life care aimed at families and caregivers. Caring for the Dying describes a whole new way to approach death and dying. It explores how the dying and their families can bring deep meaning and great comfort to the care given at the end of a life. Created by Henry Fersko-Weiss, the end-of-life doula model is adapted from the work of birth doulas and helps the dying to find meaning in their life, express that meaning in powerful and beautiful legacies, and plan for the final days. The approach calls for around-the-clock vigil care, so the dying person and their family have the emotional and spiritual support they need along with guidance on signs and symptoms of dying. It also covers the work of reprocessing a death with the family afterward and the early work of grieving. Emphasis is placed on the space around the dying person and encourages the use of touch, guided imagery, and ritual during the dying process. Throughout the book Fersko-Weiss tells amazing and encouraging stories of the people he has cared for, as well as stories that come from doulas he has trained and worked with over the years. The guidance provided can help a dying person, their family, and caregivers to transform the dying experience from one of fear and despair into one that is uplifting and even life affirming. You will see death in a new light and gain a different perspective on how to help the dying. It may even change the way you live your life right now.
240 pages, Paperback
Published July 6, 2017
124 people are currently reading
1134 people want to read
About the author
Henry Fersko-Weiss
4 books18 followersHenry Fersko-Weiss is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, who in 2003, created the first end of life doula program in the United States at a hospice in New York City. That program, which adapted approaches from the work of birth doulas, focused on helping a dying person and family prepare for the end of life, working alongside them in the last days, and supporting them in their early grief.
Following the publication of an extensive front-page article on Henry’s work in the New York Times in 2006, he began teaching the end of life doula approach publicly. In 2015, along with Meredith Lawida and Janie Rakow, Henry cofounded the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA) to bring his model of end-of-life doula care to organizations, communities, and private practitioners that serve the dying. After helping guide the early development of INELDA, Meredith left the organization to focus her life elsewhere; Janie became INELDA’S President.
Since 2003, Henry has directly guided and supported hundreds of people through the dying process and taught thousands of people how to do doula work. He has been interviewed for many publications, including the San Francisco Chronicle, the Washington Post, the Hospice Foundation of America e-magazine, the American Funeral Director magazine, as well as for BBC radio and New Jersey Caucus, a PBS television program. His book, Caring for the Dying, The Doula Approach to a Meaningful Death, was published in early 2017. Henry can be reached at henry@inelda.org.
Following the publication of an extensive front-page article on Henry’s work in the New York Times in 2006, he began teaching the end of life doula approach publicly. In 2015, along with Meredith Lawida and Janie Rakow, Henry cofounded the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA) to bring his model of end-of-life doula care to organizations, communities, and private practitioners that serve the dying. After helping guide the early development of INELDA, Meredith left the organization to focus her life elsewhere; Janie became INELDA’S President.
Since 2003, Henry has directly guided and supported hundreds of people through the dying process and taught thousands of people how to do doula work. He has been interviewed for many publications, including the San Francisco Chronicle, the Washington Post, the Hospice Foundation of America e-magazine, the American Funeral Director magazine, as well as for BBC radio and New Jersey Caucus, a PBS television program. His book, Caring for the Dying, The Doula Approach to a Meaningful Death, was published in early 2017. Henry can be reached at henry@inelda.org.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews
March 14, 2018
4.75 stars. Really phenomenal. The only thing I was disappointed by was the lack of engagement with dementia and other cognitive deficiencies at the end of life. How does the doula approach work with Alzheimer's and similarly afflicted patients? But otherwise, absolutely amazing book.
March 8, 2017
In 2003, social worker Fersko-Weiss created America’s first hospice-based end-of-life doula program in New York City. Just as doulas aid in childbirth, he believes they can assist the dying by fostering a nonclinical environment and encouraging people to face feelings of regret, engage in guided imagery, and leave a legacy project, like a quilt or scroll, behind. In the last days, doulas keep vigil alongside loved ones and lead rituals to inaugurate grieving. This brave, reassuring book succeeds at eliminating the negativity surrounding death.
See my full review at Foreword.
See my full review at Foreword.
April 4, 2017
"Caring for the Dying" was a wonderful introduction to the Doula approach to death. Not only did it confirm my own interest in using the Doula method when I eventually die, it sparked an interest in me to become an end-of-life doula myself.
May 8, 2025
Caring for the Dying was a poignant, practical and sometimes beautiful book that had me in tears several times. Henry Fersko-Weiss originated the doula approach to dying. The idea behind it is that someone trained to work with the dying and their families will come alongside to help them deal with questions about the meaning of their lives, taking care of unfinished business, such as family problems, and designing a legacy project and a ritual for what the dying person wants at his death. The book is full of anecdotes and principles which explain the process. It is not a to-do list approach but a gentle guidance.
Henry writes that some people are quite troubled at the end of their lives by something that happened earlier in life. One patient he worked with had a poor relationship with his daughter because her mother had taken her away when they divorced. After a while, he had become discouraged at the hurdles to being part of her life and busy with his new family. As he prepared for his death, trying to see his daughter and improve their relationship brought him emotional peace.
When you think of a legacy project, you may think, "Oh, something else to add to my to-do list before i die." However, the legacy project may be something simple, such as letters to the important people in your list, a recipe book, a photo album, a collage or a number of other things that match you and the people you love. For instance, a legacy project for me might be a photo album with books and summaries of them that I had shared with certain people. My younger son loved The Mitten by Alvin Tressalt when he was little. I might put a picture of him with a picture of the book and a summary. The project is a project of love and remembrance, often bringing the dying person and those he's loved closer and helping him evaluate what the meaning of his life was. One woman put together a recipe book of the favorite recipes that she had prepared for friends and family, along with pictures. Her loved ones added their thoughts and remembrances of her to the project.
Planning the vigil and the death ritual allows the dying person to let his wishes be known. Does he want to be at home, a hospital, a nursing home? Does he want certain music played, certain scripture or poetry read, to be touched? Does he want his wife and the doula to wash his body and dress it before it is taken to the funeral home?
Finally, the doula helps the family reprocess the death and grief a few weeks later.
I had not heard of doulas for weddings before a couple decades ago. This doula approach to dying seems a gentle, kind way to ease the fears and discomforts of death. A few of the author's ideas drawn from his Buddhist beliefs, such as the visualization bothered me. I'm all for easing pain by thinking of whatever place, music, or events relax you and bring you happiness. Visualizing conversations with a dead religious leader from your past makes me uncomfortable. However, over all, I thought this was a moving and helpful book and would recommend it to most people.
Henry writes that some people are quite troubled at the end of their lives by something that happened earlier in life. One patient he worked with had a poor relationship with his daughter because her mother had taken her away when they divorced. After a while, he had become discouraged at the hurdles to being part of her life and busy with his new family. As he prepared for his death, trying to see his daughter and improve their relationship brought him emotional peace.
When you think of a legacy project, you may think, "Oh, something else to add to my to-do list before i die." However, the legacy project may be something simple, such as letters to the important people in your list, a recipe book, a photo album, a collage or a number of other things that match you and the people you love. For instance, a legacy project for me might be a photo album with books and summaries of them that I had shared with certain people. My younger son loved The Mitten by Alvin Tressalt when he was little. I might put a picture of him with a picture of the book and a summary. The project is a project of love and remembrance, often bringing the dying person and those he's loved closer and helping him evaluate what the meaning of his life was. One woman put together a recipe book of the favorite recipes that she had prepared for friends and family, along with pictures. Her loved ones added their thoughts and remembrances of her to the project.
Planning the vigil and the death ritual allows the dying person to let his wishes be known. Does he want to be at home, a hospital, a nursing home? Does he want certain music played, certain scripture or poetry read, to be touched? Does he want his wife and the doula to wash his body and dress it before it is taken to the funeral home?
Finally, the doula helps the family reprocess the death and grief a few weeks later.
I had not heard of doulas for weddings before a couple decades ago. This doula approach to dying seems a gentle, kind way to ease the fears and discomforts of death. A few of the author's ideas drawn from his Buddhist beliefs, such as the visualization bothered me. I'm all for easing pain by thinking of whatever place, music, or events relax you and bring you happiness. Visualizing conversations with a dead religious leader from your past makes me uncomfortable. However, over all, I thought this was a moving and helpful book and would recommend it to most people.
July 24, 2023
This book was incredibly helpful to me. My dad was under hospice care and while the staff was informative and supportive, the supplemental information from Caring for the Dying helped me both guide the rest of my family and assisted me personally in feeling at peace and confident with the dying process.
Highly recommend.
Highly recommend.
January 10, 2021
I lost this book for two years, but just found it again. I trained under the author and can attest to his commitment, dedication and true calling to the work of an end of life doula. This book is heartfelt, simple in its accessibility, but thorough. I say simple because you aren't required to have a strong understanding of spirituality- anyone can connect with its message and wisdom. What this book does require is a little courage and the openness of mind and heart to realize and put to practice the elements and aspects that clear and set the path for a meaningful and peaceful departure from this world. How we keep the room of the dying with colors, scents, objects and intention is important for the comfort of the dying and living as these treatments (informed and guided by the dying as much as possible) allow a firmer, healing connection with death and a healthier connection with dying and each other as well as restoring a healthy sense of control for all, especially the dying. This is an excellent source for people who work with the dying and could ease and aid anyone who has a particular fear of death. Henry and INELDA, his international organization, are performing great works in the service of Love and dying and this reader is truly grateful to be a part this work.
September 8, 2017
One man’s self-discovery of what he believes is a new approach to meaningful death. And that’s where it breaks down. It’s just one person’s anecdotal thoughts and experience.
June 23, 2019
How do you want to die?
No, really. You should think about it.
Think about what will happen if you don't think about it. The Medical Establishment will Try To Save You all the way to the bitter end, which sometimes means dying in a alone in a hospital hallway in a frantic bid to stuff a few last breaths into you.
Wouldn't you rather take the time to think about how you want to be remembered? To leave your family something-- not just money, but something that was yours uniquely, something that can carry forward an idea you want the people who mattered to you to know?
Wouldn't you rather train your mind to use visualization techniques to help with physical, mental, or spiritual pain?
This is a book about an emerging movement in hospice care-- the concept of death doulas. People who are trying to raise awareness in our culture about trying to get the death most people want. At home. Surrounded by family and friends. Leaving behind denial, and anger, into acceptance of a life that was.
Using techniques used by midwives, the death doulas seek to ease an individual and family in the time of loss.
No, really. You should think about it.
Think about what will happen if you don't think about it. The Medical Establishment will Try To Save You all the way to the bitter end, which sometimes means dying in a alone in a hospital hallway in a frantic bid to stuff a few last breaths into you.
Wouldn't you rather take the time to think about how you want to be remembered? To leave your family something-- not just money, but something that was yours uniquely, something that can carry forward an idea you want the people who mattered to you to know?
Wouldn't you rather train your mind to use visualization techniques to help with physical, mental, or spiritual pain?
This is a book about an emerging movement in hospice care-- the concept of death doulas. People who are trying to raise awareness in our culture about trying to get the death most people want. At home. Surrounded by family and friends. Leaving behind denial, and anger, into acceptance of a life that was.
Using techniques used by midwives, the death doulas seek to ease an individual and family in the time of loss.
April 20, 2017
This book was extremely helpful in that it gave a name to the job I've had for almost 2 years now. Although not specifically trained (yet), I am an End-of-Life Doula for a man with ALS. The book itself is tagged as "A Gentle Guide for Families and Caregivers" on the cover and it's an excellent companion for anyone who is struggling to find meaning when faced with the inevitability of death. There are many helpful tools here including life review, legacy projects, rituals, guided meditations, and vigil plans. It is well worth your time if you or someone you love is navigating a terminal illness, although the thoughtfulness represented by this approach could be used by everyone. May we all care so well for one another.
January 13, 2020
Amazing book! I loved and related to a lot of things said in the book. I have instinctively seen death similarly all my life! This quote sums it all up for me:
I came to see how we can hold pain and love in equal measure and look unflinchingly into the heart of death. That is where we can find what makes us most human and most holy.
I came to see how we can hold pain and love in equal measure and look unflinchingly into the heart of death. That is where we can find what makes us most human and most holy.
July 3, 2017
Wonderful insight into how to support someone you care about in the process of death and dying. Life examples and suggestions for the end of life journey.
December 5, 2018
Very clear and inspiring
November 22, 2022
This is a lovely, peaceful, instructive book. Fersko-Weiss has been a death doula for many years and has established a school to teach people to be death doulas. A doula is just someone who helps. Most of us are aware of birth doulas - they help deliver the baby, give advice, suggest ways to help the mother (maybe the father and the grandparents, too). When I first became aware of this position, death doula, I wanted to learn more. I critize the author for his lengthy insistance on developing Legacy Projects. They are a good idea but many of us have experienced the death of a loved one and treasured their life without a legacy project. But I praise the author for listing ways the death doula can help. Help with medication, teach guided imagery, listen to the dying person and suggest, if applicable, ways that the dying person could be less troubled. For example, he was assisting an elderly woman who was depressed. He gained her confidence and found out that she regretted the poor way she had parented. She realized that she had not been a good parent and was depressed about that. He suggest that she write letters to her children and edited, suggested things to be in the letters. She wrote them, mailed them, the children were so happy that she finally realized and acknowledged that she had not been a good parent. They visited her, and were with her when she died, as a much more peaceful woman.
He gives many examples and discusses rituals and written materials that the dying person and family may want to carry out. The book was really nothing new, not surpising, but reassuring to me that I can continue to help my friends die. He argues that a peaceful death is preferred to an unpeaceful one. I agree. If the death is sudden, the death doula may help the family with grieving. The book is easy to read and only for those of us who are facing death ourselves in the near future (maybe the next decade or so for me?) or want to help out dear friends and relatives to a peaceful death.
He gives many examples and discusses rituals and written materials that the dying person and family may want to carry out. The book was really nothing new, not surpising, but reassuring to me that I can continue to help my friends die. He argues that a peaceful death is preferred to an unpeaceful one. I agree. If the death is sudden, the death doula may help the family with grieving. The book is easy to read and only for those of us who are facing death ourselves in the near future (maybe the next decade or so for me?) or want to help out dear friends and relatives to a peaceful death.
July 29, 2023
Real issue is the way of dying (vigil) than death itself.
We can't recover without story. It gives structure and form to our experiences.
3 areas:
1. Dying person reflecting on her life and envision the last days of her life.
2. Holding the space for last days
3. After the person dies. Grief.
Ego integrity vs. Despair: Has my life had meaning? Has my life had been satisfying.
Legacy project (before or after)
Guided imagery (healing pond)
Silence
Allowing a person to struggle gives them the opportunity to find their own answers which are meaningful and satisfying.
Discuss anger.
Discuss emotional exhaustion (watching loved one die)
Crucial decision points in life, and the reasons reveal meaning.
We can't recover without story. It gives structure and form to our experiences.
3 areas:
1. Dying person reflecting on her life and envision the last days of her life.
2. Holding the space for last days
3. After the person dies. Grief.
Ego integrity vs. Despair: Has my life had meaning? Has my life had been satisfying.
Legacy project (before or after)
Guided imagery (healing pond)
Silence
Allowing a person to struggle gives them the opportunity to find their own answers which are meaningful and satisfying.
Discuss anger.
Discuss emotional exhaustion (watching loved one die)
Crucial decision points in life, and the reasons reveal meaning.
May 21, 2017
I don't care who you are, you NEED to read this book. Not that everyone needs to become a death doula, although I am interested in doing so, but because at some point--spoiler alert!--you're going to die. This book provides valuable tools for thinking about that, and how you could make those last days, hours, and minutes beautiful and meaningful. If you believe in Heaven, you can plan to make your death the gateway to that. If you believe in no afterlife at all, you can plan to make death a celebration of your life, full of purpose even if you are unresponsive.
Read this book.
Read this book.
August 28, 2017
A combined memoir and guidebook for caring for the dying, this book is a great read. True, I'm becoming an end-of-life doula, and Henry Fersko-Weiss was the instructor, but the book reflects who he is and how he shows up in kindness for those who are dying.
There are stories, suggestions, and real-life examples that anyone can use to make dying easier for the family, the person dying, and even the caretakers.
A fast read, but one that should be on your shelf if you work in hospice or in end-of-life doula profession.
There are stories, suggestions, and real-life examples that anyone can use to make dying easier for the family, the person dying, and even the caretakers.
A fast read, but one that should be on your shelf if you work in hospice or in end-of-life doula profession.
February 20, 2019
As a newbie death doula this book was incredibly helpful and informative, offering tips, techniques, ideas, inspiration, and support for those who choose to walk this path. It offered a slightly different perspective and information than was presented in my death doula training, which served to expand my knowledge base and help me feel more prepared to pursue and perform this service as I go forward.
October 18, 2023
"Death challenges us to find the best of who we are."
Solid primer on end-of-life work. Ideally, reading it in advance of taking an Inelda training would be helpful. However, I still appreciated the content after the training. I think families curious about hiring an end-of-life doula would find this book helpful too; a comprehensive look at legacy work and rituals and holding vigil in the final days.
Solid primer on end-of-life work. Ideally, reading it in advance of taking an Inelda training would be helpful. However, I still appreciated the content after the training. I think families curious about hiring an end-of-life doula would find this book helpful too; a comprehensive look at legacy work and rituals and holding vigil in the final days.
May 6, 2017
A lot of practical information, peppered with real life (or death!) examples. Definitely worth reading if you would like to learn more about end-of-life. Even if you don't want to become a doula, the ideas might be useful in your own death or others you are present for, and reading it helped me process somewhat what I had experienced sitting vigil with my mother as she died.
May 6, 2019
Excellent mix of the process for doula care for end of life and stories from the authors personal experience indicating how to put the process into real life actions. Definitely a lot of great info about not only caring for the dying, but about the dying process, what to expect, and how to help others (and yourself) relate.
September 23, 2020
As someone who has just come into training for doula work, this book was an excellent starting point. Full of useful information drawn from lived experience. Easy to read, thoughtful and engaging. I know I’ll refer back to it many times and that it will be invaluable to the formulation of my own practice.
November 5, 2021
A lovely approach to death and dying into which ideally will start to gain popularity. I’d love to abandon the over medicalization of the dying process and Focus on dying as a natural part of life for which our bodies are designed - the human body has processes that it undergoes ie) not eating at end of life releases natural analgesic molecules. So amazing!! Some of the stories in the book were very touching. I loved learning more about different ways people engage in legacy work. Picked up a few tips and ideas for my palliative care practice.
January 17, 2022
A great introduction to the end of life doula practice. I’m glad to have read it before taking my classes with the International End of Life Doula Association. I’ll revisit for sure. I recommend to anyone looking for ideas on how to support people who are dying, as well as the loved ones surrounding them.
July 24, 2018
This book was an amazing introduction to the end-of-life doula model. It is the first book I have read (or listened to) on this subject and I can't wait to learn more about this field of work and the things I can do to help myself and others accept the meaningful death of a loved one.
November 5, 2019
I LOVED this book. Not only does it contain real stories shared from his experience as a death doula, but also inspires with a lot of ideas to incorporate into your own practices in death midwifery. This is a staple for anyone going into this field.
January 14, 2020
I would encourage every human being to pick up this book. Regardless of your walk in life, these situations come to us all in personal ways. Whether you need it now, needed it in the past or just need to stow some of it away for the future- something in here will benefit you.
June 26, 2017
Informational and excellent stories of how doulas make death a beautiful journey for the patient and family members
November 1, 2018
I read selected chapters. This is an interesting introduction to facing death with a doula. It gave me many things to think about and consider. I’d like to revisit this.
November 3, 2018
Good advice. Nice stories. Not a manual, but gives one things to think about.
March 28, 2019
An excellent guide.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews