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Wasted Calories and Ruined Nights: A Journey Deeper into Dining Hell
Jay Rayner isn't just a trifle irritated. He is eye-gougingly, bone-crunchingly, teeth-grindingly angry. And admit it, that's why you picked up this book, isn't it?
Because you aren't really interested in glorious prose poems celebrating the finest dining experiences known to humanity, are you? You want him to suffer abysmal cooking, preferably at eye-watering prices, so you can gorge on the details and luxuriate in vicarious displeasure.
You're in luck. Revel in Jay's misfortune as he is subjected to dreadful meat cookery with animals that died in vain, gravies full of casual violence and service that redefines the word 'incompetent'. He hopes you enjoy reading his reviews of these twenty miserable meals a damn sight more than he didn't enjoy experiencing them.
Includes Le Cinq, Beast and Farm Girl Cafe, and a new introduction by the author.
Because you aren't really interested in glorious prose poems celebrating the finest dining experiences known to humanity, are you? You want him to suffer abysmal cooking, preferably at eye-watering prices, so you can gorge on the details and luxuriate in vicarious displeasure.
You're in luck. Revel in Jay's misfortune as he is subjected to dreadful meat cookery with animals that died in vain, gravies full of casual violence and service that redefines the word 'incompetent'. He hopes you enjoy reading his reviews of these twenty miserable meals a damn sight more than he didn't enjoy experiencing them.
Includes Le Cinq, Beast and Farm Girl Cafe, and a new introduction by the author.
Kindle Edition
First published October 2, 2018
21 people are currently reading
295 people want to read
About the author
Jay Rayner
21 books86 followersJay Rayner is a British journalist, writer and broadcaster born in 1966.
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Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews
August 30, 2023
Rereading Aug 2023 This time round I'm finding the bad restaurant reviews much funnier than first time. This made me laugh
__________
This is the ultimate in schadenfreude. Very negative, often quite nasty, but always entertaining reviews of the sort of restaurants most of us cannot afford, showing off their rich clientele as having no taste and being cynically scammed by the restaurateurs.
There was only one issue, I didn't find them funny.
Despite having had some bfs who order custom Ferraris and race Porsches (I'm nearly over him, the present and hopefully forever guy is lovely but sadly I'm not sure if he thinks I am none of them were foodies, so although I have eaten in some really great (and expensive) (and pretentious) restaurants, they weren't quite as lauded as some of those in the book.
I had a really great restaurant experience in a really cheap one in Key West. It was called La Trattoria, was beautifully decorated and we had gnocchi with cream sauce and some fish dish, then a chocolate dessert. It was so good we had the same meal exactly two nights running. The second night we both had the runs. We didn't go back.
updated 28 Nov 2021 owing to large no. of typos.
There are dry-stone walls and glass-fronted wine cabinets bulging with Montrachet and Pomerol, priced in four figures for men with teeny-weeny penises. I order one of the very cheapest options, a Bordeaux by the glass.Hopefully it will be more than 3 star this time round - so far, it's promising.
__________
This is the ultimate in schadenfreude. Very negative, often quite nasty, but always entertaining reviews of the sort of restaurants most of us cannot afford, showing off their rich clientele as having no taste and being cynically scammed by the restaurateurs.
There was only one issue, I didn't find them funny.
Despite having had some bfs who order custom Ferraris and race Porsches (I'm nearly over him, the present and hopefully forever guy is lovely but sadly I'm not sure if he thinks I am none of them were foodies, so although I have eaten in some really great (and expensive) (and pretentious) restaurants, they weren't quite as lauded as some of those in the book.
I had a really great restaurant experience in a really cheap one in Key West. It was called La Trattoria, was beautifully decorated and we had gnocchi with cream sauce and some fish dish, then a chocolate dessert. It was so good we had the same meal exactly two nights running. The second night we both had the runs. We didn't go back.
updated 28 Nov 2021 owing to large no. of typos.
May 14, 2020
I want Jay Rayner to suffer horrible dining experiences for years to come so he can continue to write about the worst of the worst.
January 26, 2020
Damn, this man can write. I'm not a foodie, but I don't have to be to enjoy negative restaurant reviews, I just have to be a horrible human being - which apparently I am. I've spent a few hours being absolutely delighted by the horrendous couple of hours another human being has spent in terrible establishments being served "a grainy, deathly 'carrot hummus' thickly smeared up the side, like someone had an intimate accident and decided to close the loo door and run away.." with "a 'cashew aioli', which is the kind of discharge you get when you torture nuts".
Yes, I really do want him to "suffer abysmal cooking, preferably at eye-watering prices", because it is tremendous fun.
Yes, I really do want him to "suffer abysmal cooking, preferably at eye-watering prices", because it is tremendous fun.
June 3, 2019
“The Mariotts haven’t just missed the point. They’ve studied the point, taken a few notes, turned away from it, gone on a long country walk, ended up in a pub, got drunk and woken up in their clothes the next morning with scribbles on scraps of paper from which they’ve cobbled together a menu.”
August 5, 2022
Reflections and lessons learned:
“…market veggies arrive in a bowl, with a grainy, deathly carrot hummus' thickly smeared up the side, like someone had an intimate accident and decided to close the loo door and run away. At the bottom is a cashew aioli, which is the kind of dis-charge you get when you torture nuts”
You usually know when you’ve had a nice cafe or restaurant meal as you don’t mind paying - you look at the bill and think “ok, that’s worth it - lovely treat”. Restaurant critics may be judged as harsh people, but they’re hopefully there to point out the good and the bad, and to guide people, and the providers away from the disappointing experiences. Of course the critics are prone to exaggeration, but the use of language in good reviews can be like no other - painting pictures of taste, smell and visuals - a deep life pleasure or disgust emoted in 500-1000 word pieces - marvellous, and Rayner is one of my favourites and a standout in the field. A great collection of items previously published in newspapers which made me simultaneously hungry and angry at the thought of over oiled, over cooked and over priced ingredients
“…market veggies arrive in a bowl, with a grainy, deathly carrot hummus' thickly smeared up the side, like someone had an intimate accident and decided to close the loo door and run away. At the bottom is a cashew aioli, which is the kind of dis-charge you get when you torture nuts”
You usually know when you’ve had a nice cafe or restaurant meal as you don’t mind paying - you look at the bill and think “ok, that’s worth it - lovely treat”. Restaurant critics may be judged as harsh people, but they’re hopefully there to point out the good and the bad, and to guide people, and the providers away from the disappointing experiences. Of course the critics are prone to exaggeration, but the use of language in good reviews can be like no other - painting pictures of taste, smell and visuals - a deep life pleasure or disgust emoted in 500-1000 word pieces - marvellous, and Rayner is one of my favourites and a standout in the field. A great collection of items previously published in newspapers which made me simultaneously hungry and angry at the thought of over oiled, over cooked and over priced ingredients
January 23, 2019
'How dare they charge €70 for a starter and €140 for a main course and serve up such a travesty of modern gastronomy...' and there begins a delightful array of bad experiences, wittily described. Continuing with my aim of alternating between fiction and nonfiction, I thought I'd find this an enjoyable read and was not disappointed. This is a superb collection of restaurant reviews - focusing exclusively on the ones where there wasn't much positive to say and price tag added insult to injury. A must read for anyone with a love of food and a hatred of anything 'style over substance'
August 7, 2019
Never has schadenfreude been so delicious!
April 26, 2021
This book is outright fun, if you love Jay Rayner as much as I do, it's a complete treat. I enjoy good reviews and this is Jay showing us how it's done.
December 30, 2019
Hilarious.
Favourite lines:
"...a low stage with two baby grand-shaped pianos, attended by two young chaps fondly murdering Adele's back catalogue." p.15
"It's the kind of thing you'd get at a Harvester, only with less subtlety and more cynicism." p.20
"The jackfruit is described as being barbecued. This means it has been smeared with a blunt barbecue sauce of the kind they serve at pubs with a flat roof." p.41
"Our waiter almost sounds convincing when he declares that their beer cocktails to be 'very special'. The thing is, special ain't the same as good. I knew a chap who could do something 'special' with a lighter and his bodily methane. I wasn't paying for that either." p.54
"That's what your money gets you at Quattro Passi: clumsy cooking, trying to make itself look grown up and clever, generally by the application of flaky precious metals, like King Midas has suffered psoriasis all over your dinner. Yes, really. We'll get there." p.81
Favourite lines:
"...a low stage with two baby grand-shaped pianos, attended by two young chaps fondly murdering Adele's back catalogue." p.15
"It's the kind of thing you'd get at a Harvester, only with less subtlety and more cynicism." p.20
"The jackfruit is described as being barbecued. This means it has been smeared with a blunt barbecue sauce of the kind they serve at pubs with a flat roof." p.41
"Our waiter almost sounds convincing when he declares that their beer cocktails to be 'very special'. The thing is, special ain't the same as good. I knew a chap who could do something 'special' with a lighter and his bodily methane. I wasn't paying for that either." p.54
"That's what your money gets you at Quattro Passi: clumsy cooking, trying to make itself look grown up and clever, generally by the application of flaky precious metals, like King Midas has suffered psoriasis all over your dinner. Yes, really. We'll get there." p.81
July 26, 2020
Jay Rayner's prose can be quite savage but it is so wittily done that it's very amusing (unless you're the restaurant being reviewed that is). He has a clear and understandable bias against pomposity.
It's interesting that he shows that very little alters as a result of the reviews though
It's interesting that he shows that very little alters as a result of the reviews though
November 27, 2020
I can so relate to this way of thinking. Some hilariously scathing reviews here. So many of the restaurants at fault either closed or completely changed straight after these reviews. Did Jay see into the future, or was it because of him? Excellent read!
September 25, 2020
Classis Jay, but essentially a collection of his columns
July 31, 2020
Wasted Calories and Ruined Nights er en humoristisk (og dybt alvorlig) samling af Jay Rayners allerdårligste oplevelser som mad og restaurant anmelder.
Jeg ved intet om hverken finere madlavning eller restauranterne i London, men det skal ikke afholde mig fra at være pænt underholdt af Rayners knap så beskedne udmeldelser til sin anmelderklumme på The Observer, som er en del af den anerkendte britiske avis The Guardian.
Rayner skriver i sit forord, at denne bog kun er blevet til, fordi vi læsere er forfærdelige personer, som kun vil læse om de dårlige oplevelser. Og han har jo fuldstændig ret. Ingen gider læse stolpe op og stolpe ned om fremragende smagsnuancer og eminent service. Jeg er altså en af disse forfærdelige personer, for Jay Rayners dårlige anmeldelser er vildt sjove at læse😆
Jeg havde ikke hørt om Jay Rayner før, men han er ret så kendt for sine anmeldelser, har vundet en del kritiker priser og er tilknyttet det britiske Master Chef tv-program, som dommer.
Bogen udkom i 2013 som e-bog og kom først som fysisk bog i 2015.
Wasted Calories and Ruined Nights er en samling af 20 dårlige anmeldelser af restauranter, som jeg aldrig har hørt om. Pånær Pret a Manger! Der kan jeg da være med!
Det er altså ikke kun de dyre og fancy restauranter, som Rayner besøger. Og nogle gange har han også (få) gode ting at sige😊
Efter hver anmeldelse er der en opfølgning til stedet om, hvordan de tog anmeldelsen til sig/ hvor restauranten er i dag. Det kunne jeg rigtig godt lide👍
Det er ikke et emne jeg er vant til at læse om, men det var ret morsomt - og til tider foragteligt. For det er for det meste nogle dyre retter, han skal igennem. Det er vist meget godt, at der findes madanmeldere som Jay Rayner til at sørge for at folk får, hvad de betaler for. Er du i tvivl, så google ordene Jay Rayner, le Cinq, photos og se forskellen på, hvad le Cinq mente de serverede og dét Rayner fik stillet foran sig!
Jeg kunne dog ikke holde min begejstring for dårlige anmeldelser af restauranter jeg ikke kender gennem hele bogen. Men med sine 98 sider er den ret overkommelig at komme igennem.
Alt i alt, så tror jeg man vil blive godt underholdt, hvis man kan lide restaurantbesøg, god mad (der bliver til dårlig mad) og humor😃👍
Jeg ved intet om hverken finere madlavning eller restauranterne i London, men det skal ikke afholde mig fra at være pænt underholdt af Rayners knap så beskedne udmeldelser til sin anmelderklumme på The Observer, som er en del af den anerkendte britiske avis The Guardian.
Rayner skriver i sit forord, at denne bog kun er blevet til, fordi vi læsere er forfærdelige personer, som kun vil læse om de dårlige oplevelser. Og han har jo fuldstændig ret. Ingen gider læse stolpe op og stolpe ned om fremragende smagsnuancer og eminent service. Jeg er altså en af disse forfærdelige personer, for Jay Rayners dårlige anmeldelser er vildt sjove at læse😆
Jeg havde ikke hørt om Jay Rayner før, men han er ret så kendt for sine anmeldelser, har vundet en del kritiker priser og er tilknyttet det britiske Master Chef tv-program, som dommer.
Bogen udkom i 2013 som e-bog og kom først som fysisk bog i 2015.
Wasted Calories and Ruined Nights er en samling af 20 dårlige anmeldelser af restauranter, som jeg aldrig har hørt om. Pånær Pret a Manger! Der kan jeg da være med!
Det er altså ikke kun de dyre og fancy restauranter, som Rayner besøger. Og nogle gange har han også (få) gode ting at sige😊
Efter hver anmeldelse er der en opfølgning til stedet om, hvordan de tog anmeldelsen til sig/ hvor restauranten er i dag. Det kunne jeg rigtig godt lide👍
Det er ikke et emne jeg er vant til at læse om, men det var ret morsomt - og til tider foragteligt. For det er for det meste nogle dyre retter, han skal igennem. Det er vist meget godt, at der findes madanmeldere som Jay Rayner til at sørge for at folk får, hvad de betaler for. Er du i tvivl, så google ordene Jay Rayner, le Cinq, photos og se forskellen på, hvad le Cinq mente de serverede og dét Rayner fik stillet foran sig!
Jeg kunne dog ikke holde min begejstring for dårlige anmeldelser af restauranter jeg ikke kender gennem hele bogen. Men med sine 98 sider er den ret overkommelig at komme igennem.
Alt i alt, så tror jeg man vil blive godt underholdt, hvis man kan lide restaurantbesøg, god mad (der bliver til dårlig mad) og humor😃👍
December 18, 2021
(1.5★) I like reading books about food and I was particularly craving something lighthearted so I picked up this book by Jay Rayner, a British restaurant critic and writer. Rayner's vivid descriptions, coupled with choice phrases in which he rants about the horrible food he ate at horrible restaurants, makes for an acerbic, if not mildly entertaining read, sort of like a literary version of Kitchen Nightmares. I get what he means—I too, can sympathise with, and understand the pain of wasting my calories on bad food. The book was not terrible, but not good either. Sort of makes me feel as though it was a case of Wasted Time and Ruined Nights reading it. Though I do agree with Rayner that:
Lastly, I learned that you shouldn't always trust the ratings and reviews.
"Money like that should buy you the sublime not the stupid. Spending money on the good stuff is fine. Throwing it away on the substandard is a particular kind of obscenity."
Lastly, I learned that you shouldn't always trust the ratings and reviews.
January 12, 2019
Jay Rayner is always a joy. I regularly search for his reviews online on the Guardian website for pure entertainment.
Rayner is a true lover of food. He is not pretentious, snobbish or on the other extreme measly. In his own admission he'll send over £200 on truly excellent meal and not feel one ounce of guilt. However he also will tuck into a fast and nasty treat from a food truck. Rayner indulges in quality food and it is clear he loves it to his core. It is the kind of love that ignores Michelin stars and illusions of grandeur. If anything Rayner outright detests being pandered and coddled by overly fancy, for the sake of fancy.
As a cook myself (not professional, but reasonably ok at it) I can appreciate through Rayner's reviews that he truly, deeply cares about his meals. His savours the good experiences and recalls them in memory. He also clearly is extremely knowledgeable about the restaurant business, production and distribution of ingredients and the pathetic limp wristed pandering of fancy restaurants to people with gold-plated toilets.
Rayner pulls no punches. The reviews collected in this book are amongst his most scathing. However you can forgive his negativity, because it is clearly expressed that hes complaining because he wants the restaurant to pull its socks up and improve. Rayner doesn't complain for the sake of it. If its a bad review, then its justified.
This little book is hilarious and wonderfully written. Rayner never fails to make me laugh, which is a rare feat for a book.
Recommended for anyone who loves eating, cooking and going out to eat.
Rayner is a true lover of food. He is not pretentious, snobbish or on the other extreme measly. In his own admission he'll send over £200 on truly excellent meal and not feel one ounce of guilt. However he also will tuck into a fast and nasty treat from a food truck. Rayner indulges in quality food and it is clear he loves it to his core. It is the kind of love that ignores Michelin stars and illusions of grandeur. If anything Rayner outright detests being pandered and coddled by overly fancy, for the sake of fancy.
As a cook myself (not professional, but reasonably ok at it) I can appreciate through Rayner's reviews that he truly, deeply cares about his meals. His savours the good experiences and recalls them in memory. He also clearly is extremely knowledgeable about the restaurant business, production and distribution of ingredients and the pathetic limp wristed pandering of fancy restaurants to people with gold-plated toilets.
Rayner pulls no punches. The reviews collected in this book are amongst his most scathing. However you can forgive his negativity, because it is clearly expressed that hes complaining because he wants the restaurant to pull its socks up and improve. Rayner doesn't complain for the sake of it. If its a bad review, then its justified.
This little book is hilarious and wonderfully written. Rayner never fails to make me laugh, which is a rare feat for a book.
Recommended for anyone who loves eating, cooking and going out to eat.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 3, 2018
I always enjoy Jay Rayner's fury when a meal and/or experience doesn't meet his (reasonable) expectations. I mean I don't wish him too many rubbish, pretentious dining experiences BUT they do make excellent bite sized reads.
I also appreciate the fact that even though so many of these reviews are of places in London, Rayner still expects decent, enjoyable food if the starter is £13. Up north that can get you a very decent meal in some places after all.
I also appreciate the fact that even though so many of these reviews are of places in London, Rayner still expects decent, enjoyable food if the starter is £13. Up north that can get you a very decent meal in some places after all.
February 18, 2019
Why are some restaurant critics such good writers? I guess the same question can be asked about authors in general. AA Gill and Jay Rayner are at the top of my list. I must reread Gill’s account of writing and directing a porn movie.
Rayner’s review of Le Cinq is a classic, he was not impressed with the food “Not that the older gentlemen with their nieces on the few other occupied tables seem to care.”
A wonderful collection of reviews.
Rayner’s review of Le Cinq is a classic, he was not impressed with the food “Not that the older gentlemen with their nieces on the few other occupied tables seem to care.”
A wonderful collection of reviews.
October 5, 2024
3.8
This little book is exactly what it promises, Jay Rayner is such a great writer - very descriptive (tonnes of funny synonyms) and very down to earth.
As this book is a collection of only his negative reviews, it does get a bit repetitive. To summarise most of these: the food is bad, especially for the price, but dessert is okay. Service may or may not be good.
This little book is exactly what it promises, Jay Rayner is such a great writer - very descriptive (tonnes of funny synonyms) and very down to earth.
As this book is a collection of only his negative reviews, it does get a bit repetitive. To summarise most of these: the food is bad, especially for the price, but dessert is okay. Service may or may not be good.
October 9, 2018
Funny, biting, and fun
A collection of Jay Rayner’s reviews of bad restaurants is always going to be good. This admirably short collection had me laughing out loud on a crowded train, and you will too.
A collection of Jay Rayner’s reviews of bad restaurants is always going to be good. This admirably short collection had me laughing out loud on a crowded train, and you will too.
October 12, 2018
I'm a huge fan of Jay's columns, and it's just as he says - part of the joy is "gorg(ing) on the details and luxuriat(ing) in vicarious displeasure."
The man has a way with words. He's a master craftsman. I laughed out loud countless times while reading this. I highly recommend it.
The man has a way with words. He's a master craftsman. I laughed out loud countless times while reading this. I highly recommend it.
September 21, 2019
Another collection of Rayner’s bad restaurant reviews (well - reviews of bad restaurants. The reviews themselves are very good).
He’s on his usual grumpy / snarky form here. There are only a couple of dozen reviews but it did fill a short plane journey at the end of long week perfectly.
He’s on his usual grumpy / snarky form here. There are only a couple of dozen reviews but it did fill a short plane journey at the end of long week perfectly.
March 3, 2020
I read most of these reviews when they were first published. But it's only reading them one after the other like this that i realised just how good Rayner's writing is.
And a few touching mentions of his lovely mum, too.
And a few touching mentions of his lovely mum, too.
May 6, 2020
Mr. Rayner provides another collection of gems. Not the restaurants of course, they are all dreadful. But that is the point, the gems being examples of the authors vivid and entertaining prose. Well worth an hour of your time, also good to read out loud in company.
October 7, 2018
I love restaurant reviews and i snorted with laughter throughout this
November 6, 2018
He's very upfront about what you're getting - the chance to relive his worst restaurant experiences, getting a sort of pleasure out of how bad (and expensive) they are.
December 23, 2018
Brilliantly funny, a bad meal for Jay Rayner is pure delight for anyone reading about it!
December 26, 2018
A nice comforting little snark fest that distills the best of the sarkiest.
As usual Jay Rayner's excellent wit shines through. It's a short book but an evil giggly one.
As usual Jay Rayner's excellent wit shines through. It's a short book but an evil giggly one.
December 28, 2018
I always enjoy reading Jay’s columns & books. At heart, he’s just a man who wants good food & is skin-blisteringly pissed off when he doesn’t get it. Bring on the next book please!
January 15, 2019
Not as good as the first collection but that is probably because I remember reading so many more of these review 1st time round so but as many surprises.
January 14, 2019
Jay Rayner has a way with words. Hilarious accounts of overpriced awful offal and such like. Job not as glamorous as it sounds eh Jay?
Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews