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Counsel for Couples: A Biblical and Practical Guide for Marriage Counseling
Many pastors feel ill-equipped to handle the challenges that arise when a couple is going through marital difficulties. If you are or have been in this situation before, this book shows church leaders how to counsel married couples from both a logical and biblical perspective. Author and pastor Jonathan Holmes offers you a practical guide to get started with the first sessions and then offers specific guidance on nine of the most common topics that come up in marriage counseling. In Counsel for Couples , Holmes provides you In each chapter, you'll meet a new couple dealing with a different issue, much like the people in your church, office, and neighborhood. Whether you're a novice or already knowledgeable, Counsel for Couples provides theologically sound and biblically practical tools to help you as you help couples in need.
288 pages, Hardcover
Published March 5, 2019
53 people are currently reading
187 people want to read
About the author
Jonathan D. Holmes
7 books16 followersJonathan Holmes serves as the pastor of counseling at Parkside Church in Ohio and is the founder and executive director of Fieldstone Counseling. He serves on the council board for the Biblical Counseling Coalition and is a frequent speaker at conferences and retreats. He graduated from The Master’s University with degrees in Biblical Counseling and History and has his M.A. from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. Jonathan is the author of The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship and has also written for The Gospel Coalition, Care Leader, Covenant Eyes, and Journal of Biblical Counseling. He and his wife, Jennifer, have four daughters, Ava, Riley, Ruby, and Emma. In his spare time, Jonathan enjoys traveling, reading, and gardening.
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
February 23, 2023
This book is a must-read for anyone hoping to offer biblical counsel to couples. It provides a solid foundation for counseling from the Scriptures and practical instruction to pastors as well as those involved in lay counseling. I think some counseling books struggle to find a healthy balance between giving too much practical instruction and offering none at all; however, this book walks that line very well. It was edifying, encouraging, and made me excited to continue studying biblical counseling!
June 22, 2022
Great tool for anyone doing counseling.
December 6, 2019
This book has already been extremely valuable to me in some of the pastoral counseling that I'm doing. It functions as a useful handbook on the many issues that arise in counseling married couples. It is built on a solid biblical counseling model, so I am sure that I will have this close at hand for those moments when I need guidance on how to counsel couples in my church.
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May 13, 2024A great introductory book to the challenging-yet-important topic of marriage counseling from a biblical counseling perspective. Highly recommended if you're wanting to start counseling couples.
January 11, 2022
One of the areas of counseling in the church that seems to be fairly well covered is in Marriage and Family issues. Some books that are published are very helpful tools for men and women who are struggling in their marriage and some books are very helpful for people who are doing marriage and family counseling. Perhaps, one of the very best books published today for those who are counseling couples, individuals, or families, is the book, "Counsel for Couples," by Jonathan D. Holmes. This book came as a high recommendation to me from my friend, Pastor Brad Bigney who gave it glowing reviews, stating that "...it is the best book I've read on counseling couples."
With that in mind, I jumped in and began slowly working my way through the book. At first, I struggled to read it. It got off to a slow start for me as I read through Part 1: The Basics of Counseling Couples. In the beginning, Holmes was providing a "lay of the land" perspective which was a review of marriage from Scripture. But, in chapter 2, the book became much more interesting to me as the author wrote about getting to the heart of the issue. Isn't that what we counselors should do? We want to do just that. This chapter was helpful. In chapter 3, Holmes spoke about the practical element of Starting counseling, ending counseling, and referring counseling. I struggled a little with the part about referring, given that is seemed to run contrary to a key principle within the Biblical Counseling movement and our belief that Scripture is totally sufficient for all counseling issues. In fairness to Holmes, he wasn't writing contrary to this belief, but was simply making the point (at least how I understood it) that some counseling cases may be so difficult and convoluted that one may rightly believe that it is outside of his/her domain of counseling experience and could use someone much more experienced and trained in counseling. After this chapter, Holmes talks about the critical role of forgiveness, love, etc., in bringing about reconciliation between a husband and wife. I loved this section, especially the chapter on forgiveness since it celebrates the infinite forgiveness provided to the believer, thus making it possible for anyone who has been forgiven by God, to truly grant forgiveness to a fellow sinner-in this case-a spouse. Holmes ends Part 1 by writing about how to structure the initial counseling session with the couple. This was a very practical and helpful chapter.
Part 2 was absolutely excellent. In this section, Holmes takes a chapter to write about the following topics: 1) My Spouse Cheated on Me!; 2) I Caught My Husband Looking at Porn; 3) My Spouse Is Not a Believer; 4) I Can't Get No Satisfaction; 5) My Spouse Is Abusing Me; 6) We Don't Talk Anymore; 7) The Kids Are Not All Right; 8) Surviving Miscarriage, Infant Loss, or Infertility; 9) Frozen Intimacy; and 10) In-Laws or Outlaws. Just a cursory reading of this list, one can see that Holmes is addressing very specific and critical issues that we face in counseling couplse. In each chapter, the author gives an understanding of (using case studies) the issue that couples deal with and what brings them in for counseling. Yet, the author doesn't just present the problem, he goes on to show how God's Word addresses all of these issues. This part, in my opinion, made this book worth every penny spent to buy it and every minute spent reading it.
Last, Holmes wraps up the book in Part 3 with addressing one specific issue: Caring for the Counselor. Truth be told, counselors find themselves at times, needing counsel. We sin. We suffer. We live with sinners. We work with sinners. As counselors, we also spend hours listening to others talk about the problems of life. We get tired. We have times we don't feel well. We can find ourselves overwhelmed with the various problems in both our own personal lives, as well as, the lives of those we counsel. Holmes provides 10 points in this section that I believe are excellent things for the counselor, pastor, leader, helper to consider: 1) Remember leaders like Moses. When you remember Moses, keep in mind that he, even though a great leader, also battled times of being overwhelmed (Numbers 11:10-15); 2) Remember that the Word of God is sufficient to do the work of God. It's not our skills as counselors that determine the outcome and success of the counseling. It is God's Word, used by the Holy Spirit, that determines outcomes. We often say to ourselves, "My job is to be faithful to God and His Word. What happens with it is up to God." As the author says, "...Our hope is in the efficacious work of the Word of God....never doubt the power of God's Word to transform lives. It is both indispensable inour interpersonal ministry and our greatest hope for true heart change." 3) Remember that even the counselor needs counseling. In this section, the author speaks about "compassion fatigue" the cost of caring for others in emotional and physical pain. It is true that counseling can be exhausting. In that environment, sometime the counselor finds himself/herself in need of input from others; 4) Remember that you are human and need rest. This is self-explanatory and true. 5) Remember that you are not an island unto yourself. The point: Counseling involves not just the counselor and the counselee, but the most important Person in the counseling and that is the Holy Spirit. But also, counseling can and should involve others within the church family. Certainly, there are confidentiality issues that we hold to, but those believers who struggle, need to be presented with a biblical understanding of true Christian living, of true body life for all who are part of the church. 6) Remember that your battle is not against flesh and blood. Scripturally speaking, we know that there is a whole battle going on "behind the scenes" if you will and this is why an understanding of spiritual warfare and the armor of God are so critical for the counselor. 7) Remember that there are times you need to step away. In this section, we are reminded that we are not: a savior, redeemer, miracle worker, lawyer (unless someone happens to be a lawyer), career advisor, psychiatrist, psychologist, divorce attorney, financial advisor (although some Biblical counselors are financial advisors) or a doctor (with some exceptions). There are times when we need to emply assistance from another. For example, we utilize medical doctors. We utilize people trained in finances, etc. We find ourselves, "stepping away" in those situations. 8) Remember that you don't know how God will use your counsel. As counselors, we bring food that we found, to people who are starving. Sometimes people eat the food, other times they reject it. Our role is to faithfully serve the food. God's role is to determine how He wants to use it. 9) Remember to pay attention to your own marriage. This is a great reminder. Biblical counseling is exhausting. We put our heart and soul into situations. People that meet with us are not just one number in a file system of numbers. When counseling believers, we are counseling and helpful a brother and/or sister in Christ. This is family business. When counseling an unbeliever, we are counseling a fellow human, created in the image of God and as an unbeliever, we know they are running a hell-bound race. All of that to say, that we find it hard to just leave the job at the door. That's not how Christian living-done rightly-functions. Yet, in the midst of the counseling endeavor, one must be careful to not let his/her marriage become less important than counseling others. 10) Holmes ends with this point for counselors: Remember that when listening to the full extent of evil and suffering, there is hope in Jesus Christ. That is a phenomenal point to always keep in front of ourselves as counselors and in front of anyone we may counsel. We need hope. And hope is found in Jesus Christ.
As a whole, this book was excellent. I think there are some subjects that could be developed more but overall it is an excellent resource and one I highly recommend to all church leaders and really, all believers.
With that in mind, I jumped in and began slowly working my way through the book. At first, I struggled to read it. It got off to a slow start for me as I read through Part 1: The Basics of Counseling Couples. In the beginning, Holmes was providing a "lay of the land" perspective which was a review of marriage from Scripture. But, in chapter 2, the book became much more interesting to me as the author wrote about getting to the heart of the issue. Isn't that what we counselors should do? We want to do just that. This chapter was helpful. In chapter 3, Holmes spoke about the practical element of Starting counseling, ending counseling, and referring counseling. I struggled a little with the part about referring, given that is seemed to run contrary to a key principle within the Biblical Counseling movement and our belief that Scripture is totally sufficient for all counseling issues. In fairness to Holmes, he wasn't writing contrary to this belief, but was simply making the point (at least how I understood it) that some counseling cases may be so difficult and convoluted that one may rightly believe that it is outside of his/her domain of counseling experience and could use someone much more experienced and trained in counseling. After this chapter, Holmes talks about the critical role of forgiveness, love, etc., in bringing about reconciliation between a husband and wife. I loved this section, especially the chapter on forgiveness since it celebrates the infinite forgiveness provided to the believer, thus making it possible for anyone who has been forgiven by God, to truly grant forgiveness to a fellow sinner-in this case-a spouse. Holmes ends Part 1 by writing about how to structure the initial counseling session with the couple. This was a very practical and helpful chapter.
Part 2 was absolutely excellent. In this section, Holmes takes a chapter to write about the following topics: 1) My Spouse Cheated on Me!; 2) I Caught My Husband Looking at Porn; 3) My Spouse Is Not a Believer; 4) I Can't Get No Satisfaction; 5) My Spouse Is Abusing Me; 6) We Don't Talk Anymore; 7) The Kids Are Not All Right; 8) Surviving Miscarriage, Infant Loss, or Infertility; 9) Frozen Intimacy; and 10) In-Laws or Outlaws. Just a cursory reading of this list, one can see that Holmes is addressing very specific and critical issues that we face in counseling couplse. In each chapter, the author gives an understanding of (using case studies) the issue that couples deal with and what brings them in for counseling. Yet, the author doesn't just present the problem, he goes on to show how God's Word addresses all of these issues. This part, in my opinion, made this book worth every penny spent to buy it and every minute spent reading it.
Last, Holmes wraps up the book in Part 3 with addressing one specific issue: Caring for the Counselor. Truth be told, counselors find themselves at times, needing counsel. We sin. We suffer. We live with sinners. We work with sinners. As counselors, we also spend hours listening to others talk about the problems of life. We get tired. We have times we don't feel well. We can find ourselves overwhelmed with the various problems in both our own personal lives, as well as, the lives of those we counsel. Holmes provides 10 points in this section that I believe are excellent things for the counselor, pastor, leader, helper to consider: 1) Remember leaders like Moses. When you remember Moses, keep in mind that he, even though a great leader, also battled times of being overwhelmed (Numbers 11:10-15); 2) Remember that the Word of God is sufficient to do the work of God. It's not our skills as counselors that determine the outcome and success of the counseling. It is God's Word, used by the Holy Spirit, that determines outcomes. We often say to ourselves, "My job is to be faithful to God and His Word. What happens with it is up to God." As the author says, "...Our hope is in the efficacious work of the Word of God....never doubt the power of God's Word to transform lives. It is both indispensable inour interpersonal ministry and our greatest hope for true heart change." 3) Remember that even the counselor needs counseling. In this section, the author speaks about "compassion fatigue" the cost of caring for others in emotional and physical pain. It is true that counseling can be exhausting. In that environment, sometime the counselor finds himself/herself in need of input from others; 4) Remember that you are human and need rest. This is self-explanatory and true. 5) Remember that you are not an island unto yourself. The point: Counseling involves not just the counselor and the counselee, but the most important Person in the counseling and that is the Holy Spirit. But also, counseling can and should involve others within the church family. Certainly, there are confidentiality issues that we hold to, but those believers who struggle, need to be presented with a biblical understanding of true Christian living, of true body life for all who are part of the church. 6) Remember that your battle is not against flesh and blood. Scripturally speaking, we know that there is a whole battle going on "behind the scenes" if you will and this is why an understanding of spiritual warfare and the armor of God are so critical for the counselor. 7) Remember that there are times you need to step away. In this section, we are reminded that we are not: a savior, redeemer, miracle worker, lawyer (unless someone happens to be a lawyer), career advisor, psychiatrist, psychologist, divorce attorney, financial advisor (although some Biblical counselors are financial advisors) or a doctor (with some exceptions). There are times when we need to emply assistance from another. For example, we utilize medical doctors. We utilize people trained in finances, etc. We find ourselves, "stepping away" in those situations. 8) Remember that you don't know how God will use your counsel. As counselors, we bring food that we found, to people who are starving. Sometimes people eat the food, other times they reject it. Our role is to faithfully serve the food. God's role is to determine how He wants to use it. 9) Remember to pay attention to your own marriage. This is a great reminder. Biblical counseling is exhausting. We put our heart and soul into situations. People that meet with us are not just one number in a file system of numbers. When counseling believers, we are counseling and helpful a brother and/or sister in Christ. This is family business. When counseling an unbeliever, we are counseling a fellow human, created in the image of God and as an unbeliever, we know they are running a hell-bound race. All of that to say, that we find it hard to just leave the job at the door. That's not how Christian living-done rightly-functions. Yet, in the midst of the counseling endeavor, one must be careful to not let his/her marriage become less important than counseling others. 10) Holmes ends with this point for counselors: Remember that when listening to the full extent of evil and suffering, there is hope in Jesus Christ. That is a phenomenal point to always keep in front of ourselves as counselors and in front of anyone we may counsel. We need hope. And hope is found in Jesus Christ.
As a whole, this book was excellent. I think there are some subjects that could be developed more but overall it is an excellent resource and one I highly recommend to all church leaders and really, all believers.
November 1, 2020
This is an absolutely FANTASTIC resource! I’d give it more than 5 stars if I could. Every pastor (especially new ones like myself) need to read it and keep it close for reference. I took multiple counseling courses in seminary including an elective on marital and premarital counseling, but I feel like this book singlehandedly bridges the wide gap between biblical counseling theory and the real world. Again, I can’t recommend this book enough.
July 19, 2022
A really excellent introduction to marriage counseling as well as a variety of common topics in marriage counseling. I’ll come back to this one time and time again.
October 3, 2024
Practical and biblical - proud of my supervisor for writing this! Will come back to it as a counseling resource for common issues Christian couples face.
November 15, 2021
(Full review at SpoiledMilks, 12/31/2020
For those who are new pastors, counselors, or who have little experience counseling, Jonathan Holmes has written a book to help get you on your feet and to begin to wade in the waters of counseling and reconciliation.
In Part 1, Holmes lays down the basics of counseling couples to “leave you with a solid, biblical theology and methodology to help you navigate through the world of marriage counseling” in the sufficiency of God’s Word (18). We can’t “separate preaching the Word from counseling the Word” (25).
Holmes gives tips on how much time pastors should spend counseling, while reminding them that counselees teach their counselors more than counselors teach their counselees. Counselors learn “the hard but good realities of shepherding and overseeing,” as well as seeing that they aren’t much different from their counselees at all (30).
There is a very practical final chapter on structuring the initial sessions you have with a couple.
In Part 2, Holmes provides 10 specific issues you will face in marriage counseling. Holmes provides a theological way forward through these issues with practical tips for the counselor in what homework to give the couple during the week to grow in their relationship together as they work through their problems.
Part 3 provides ten ways to take care of yourself and strengthen your soul.
Recommended?
This is a very helpful book, especially for those who are either new at pastoring or who haven’t had much counseling experience.
For those who are new pastors, counselors, or who have little experience counseling, Jonathan Holmes has written a book to help get you on your feet and to begin to wade in the waters of counseling and reconciliation.
In Part 1, Holmes lays down the basics of counseling couples to “leave you with a solid, biblical theology and methodology to help you navigate through the world of marriage counseling” in the sufficiency of God’s Word (18). We can’t “separate preaching the Word from counseling the Word” (25).
Holmes gives tips on how much time pastors should spend counseling, while reminding them that counselees teach their counselors more than counselors teach their counselees. Counselors learn “the hard but good realities of shepherding and overseeing,” as well as seeing that they aren’t much different from their counselees at all (30).
There is a very practical final chapter on structuring the initial sessions you have with a couple.
In Part 2, Holmes provides 10 specific issues you will face in marriage counseling. Holmes provides a theological way forward through these issues with practical tips for the counselor in what homework to give the couple during the week to grow in their relationship together as they work through their problems.
Part 3 provides ten ways to take care of yourself and strengthen your soul.
Recommended?
This is a very helpful book, especially for those who are either new at pastoring or who haven’t had much counseling experience.
January 3, 2022
In my family and marriage class for biblical counselling, most of my textbooks referenced this book. This is a wonderful resource. It is biblical, practical, and helpful for the health of the counsellor as well.
Easy to read. Clear in its presentation. Helpful immediately. Grounded in Scripture.
Easy to read. Clear in its presentation. Helpful immediately. Grounded in Scripture.
November 21, 2021
An excellent read both for your own marriage and for helping others with their marriages. Based on the Bible, this book has so many things to offer to someone who wants to grow their marriage and is willing to dig to the roots and not just do a surface band-aid.
June 16, 2023
This book is a phenomenal resource for marriage counseling. Great from start to finish. My only critique is that I wish he went deeper on some of the topics. But I’m thankful that he provided so many resources and tools for going deeper.
May 8, 2019
So helpful. I have no doubt I will return to this resource time and time again.
July 8, 2020
A good book for the pastors or counselors shelf. A resource you will reference again and again if you’re involved in marital counseling (many helps for pre-marital counseling too).
May 10, 2022
4.7/5 - a good guide and starting point for biblically thinking about a lot of elements to marriage counseling.
June 13, 2022
Such a helpful book. To love our neighbors and brothers and sisters and our children and our spouses with biblical truth and reconciliation.
May 10, 2023
Very practical advice from an experienced counselor.
June 15, 2023
I’m such an expert on marriage
July 31, 2023
Perhaps the best book I've read on Christian counselling. This book is so helpful and so practical and is great to have as a handbook for the problems you are going to face as a counselor/pastor.
September 6, 2023
One of the most practical and helpful books related to Biblical marriage counseling I've read.
February 28, 2024
Extremely practical and compassionate! Definitely want to read again!
1st Read for Marriage and Family Counseling course with Dr. Robert Jones: 2/18-27/24
5/5 🌟
1st Read for Marriage and Family Counseling course with Dr. Robert Jones: 2/18-27/24
5/5 🌟
February 12, 2025
Practical and wise. Liked this a lot more than I thought would. Will continue to use as a resource.
February 22, 2025
A superb title with solid Gospel foundation and biblical wisdom. Must have for any seeking to walk with couples in their growth and development into being more like Jesus in their marriage.
November 17, 2025
Very accessible, helpful, and pastoral quick reference tool for a variety of common marriage counseling issues
August 29, 2025
I've been reading on and off for awhile.
I had a concern with chapter 14 on grieving on the loss of child from infertility, miscarriage, still birth but didn't include abortion. Some women grieve on this decision too. Christian perspective didn't like to touch on this.
Another chapter did touch on surrogate briefly like Sarah was Sarai.
Decent read
Now that I completed most of the read via eBook from Sac Public library, it is no longer available on Libby or Overdrive (no longer have access to due to budget deficit for the state); only can get electronic version via Link+. I will pass to read the last chapter(s).
I had a concern with chapter 14 on grieving on the loss of child from infertility, miscarriage, still birth but didn't include abortion. Some women grieve on this decision too. Christian perspective didn't like to touch on this.
Another chapter did touch on surrogate briefly like Sarah was Sarai.
Decent read
Now that I completed most of the read via eBook from Sac Public library, it is no longer available on Libby or Overdrive (no longer have access to due to budget deficit for the state); only can get electronic version via Link+. I will pass to read the last chapter(s).
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews